So much practice, so much pain, all for me to give up.

I just failed my second test within the first 2 minutes of the test. I was all calm and confident, I was so excited I had a female tester, since my first test I had a really scary, big, rude and intimidating male cop who yelled at me and would throw his hands up  and roll his eyes which is uncalled for and added so much stress. The lady was kind and really just a decent human being. I was feeling prepared, confident, all until the parking break wouldn’t release, which threw me off and got super nervous that that was a fail or deduction for something so stupid. But I kept going, Began driving and all was fine until at the infamous parallel parking, I went too far and onto the grass, began to panic more, then couldn’t remember which way to turn the wheel for what movement  and couldn’t correct myself. I asked did I fail, the lady said she couldn’t tell me until the end, then I just gave up right then and there, and I was right I did an auto-fail (no pun intended). My excuse is the curb was grass and crumbled so I didn’t know where it started but I know that’s a bad excuse. As always making excuses to not make myself feel like a piece of crap, so now I’m being honest to myself. Now I’m suicidal. I’m SHing again for the first time in years. I feel like a total failure in both regards. Relapsing on that and failing at everything. I’m tired. I’m never going to get better. I’m going to be home bound the rest of my fucking life because of my disability and inability to drive. I just give up. I don’t know why I try.

I already have driving anxiety, but the anxiety was compounded by my condition. I have pelvic floor pain which makes sitting excruciatingly painful. I can’t sit because it causes all the muscles to tense leading to pain and other symptoms, like not being able to use the restroom for hours after I get the urge, and feeling like I have to pee 24/7. I worked with a PT for MONTHS just to get some improvement, and was starting to feel well, but after just 3 days of practice driving, my progress after MONTHS OF WORK went back to square 1. But it was “worth” the sacrifice I thought. “I’ll suck up the pain now so that I can just get my license to have it for emergencies, then just not use it until I’m better”. Kept practicing as my pain and symptoms worsened. All for just this. All just to fail. Now I have to wait a minimum of 2 weeks to try again, and that means 2 more weeks of suffering to practice and probably fail again!!!! I’m done. I’m in too much pain. I try and try and try to not let my condition to define me and limit me, and every time I try this happens. I can maybe accept that my condition limits me, but to be failed by my own stupidity which I do have control over was too much for me. I fucking hate myself and deserve to be tortured. And no, this is not for sympathy, I’m not looking for people to say “noooo you don’t, you’re great how you are” i genuinely feel in my heart I deserve to be physically punished, so I’d rather comments like “ooh you’re so strong and brave” to a minimum.

I’m just so tired trying. Every time I try to improve my life I fail. Every time I try to act normal I fail. Every fucking time.

And warning, **do not tell me to call any numbers or talk to any “professionals” or I WILL block you**. I am looking for support, not a generic lying “confidential”(unless you say something they don’t like) therapist. I’m not stupid, I know they exist, yet I still chose to come to reddit for a reason. Respect my decision to post here and not there, by not telling me to just go off somewhere else.