You are “what if-ing”. You are testing your fear with a “what if I want to kill myself” and getting a return of adrenaline, fear and panic! You hoped for NO reaction. But that’s what your nervous system is suppose to do - protect you from a threat! But because you reacted terribly to the “idea” of suicide that proves that you abhor it and couldn’t ever do it! It was a “test”, but your body’s reaction doesn’t mean you’ll do it! No. It means that you reacted to your test thought as would anyone whose nervous system is currently on high alert for any perceived threat. So YES your subconscious is afraid of the “fear of suicide” but not suicide itself. Like we all are.