Hey all

So my mom has been tight-lipped about my transition. She said she supports me, uses chosen name and occasionally even not degendering me. But. 

Early on she asked if it was okay to still think of me as the old me, not wanting to get into how hurtful that is, I said she could think whatever she wants of me, saying I can't change your mind but please use the right words for me. 

In subsequent months she seemed to try and just not think about it. Whenever I or someone else would bring it up she'd get quiet, and wouldn't want to keep talking. She even teared up and went outside once. All without telling me what she was thinking. 

Now, I am a woman. If not for my voice and remaining beard hairs I in nearly every way physically appear to be a woman. I pass v frequently without much effort. Since I've been like this, my mom is again treating me different.

Now, as my transness is plain to see, she has become colder, angrier, more hostile, more distant. I haven't brought this up yet but I will soon as its impossible to ignore and that plus dad being a fuck make it hard for me to want to go and let them "get used to me" or whatever the fuck they want from me. 

She won't talk. She thinks somehow by avoiding conflict forever you can just stuff it all down hard enough that eventually it either dies with you or it disappears leaving you cold and remote. 

Dad got into a fight with me last time I saw him a few months ago. I love my family, I have siblings, I'd like to go home, I'd like to have a good relationship with them, but what in the hell am I supposed to do? I miss my mom. 