human
No; I must not listen; it is too dangerous. If it were not for my mother, I should not care for anything, but as it is, I must risk nothing. I have already risked too much.
gpt
There would be no danger, he argued.
human
Trust to me. I have something to lose too. It is of no use to bring the whole dead stupid weight of the world on our heads. There is no sense in lying down under a heap of rubbish, to be crushed. Let us go our way and leave other people to go theirs.
gpt
Easier said than done.
human
Oh no; the world must be treated as one would treat a maniac who brandished a razor in one's face. Direct defiance argues folly worse than his.
gpt
Of course, but all this subterfuge and deceit is hateful.
human
Not if one considers the facts of the case. The maniac-world insists upon uniformity and obedience, especially in that department of life where uniformity is impossible. You don't suppose that it is ever _really_ attained by any human being who deserves the name? Never! We all wear the livery of our master and live our own lives not the less.
gpt
Ah, I doubt that, said Hadria.
human
I think the livery affects us all, right through to the bones and marrow. What young clergyman was it who told me that as soon as he put on his canonicals, he felt a different man, mind, heart, and personality?
gpt
Well, _your_ livery has never made you, Hadria, and that is all I care for.
human
Indeed, I am not so sure.
gpt
It has not turned you out a Mrs. Jordan or a Mrs. Walker, for instance.
human
To the great regret of my well-wishers.
gpt
To the great regret of your inferiors. There is nothing that people regret so bitterly as superiority to themselves.
human
I am always afraid of the gratifying argument based on the assumption of superiority; one is apt to be brought down a peg, if ever one indulges in it.
gpt
I can't see that much vanity is implied in claiming superiority to the common idiot of commerce,
human
He is in the family,
gpt
The human family; yes, confound him!
human
It only needs a little courage, Hadria. My love, my dear one, don't shake your head.
gpt
Promise me to come to town on Friday, Hadria--promise me, dearest.
human
But if--oh, how I hate all the duplicity that this involves! It creates wretched situations, whichever way one turns. I never realized into what a labyrinth it would lead one. I should like to speak out and be honest about it.
gpt
And your mother?
human
Oh, I know of course---- Hadria set her teeth.
gpt
It drives me mad, all this!
human
Oh, Hadria! And you don't count _me_ then?
gpt
Obviously I count you. But one's whole life becomes a lie.
human
That is surely schoolgirl's reasoning. Strange that you should be guilty of it! Is one's life a lie because one makes so bold as to keep one's own counsel? Must one take the world into one's confidence, or stand condemned as a liar? Oh, Hadria, this is childish!
gpt
Yes, I am getting weak-minded, I know, she said feverishly.
human
I resent being forced to resort to this sort of thing when I am doing nothing wrong, according to my own belief. Why should I be forced to behave as if I _were_ sinning against my conscience?
gpt
So you may say; that is your grievance, not your fault. But, after all, compromise is necessary in _everything_, and the best way is to make the compromise lightly and with a shrug of the shoulders, and then you find that life becomes fairly manageable and often extremely pleasant.
human
Yes, I suppose you are right.
gpt
Fate _is_ ironical! she exclaimed.
human
Never in my life did I feel more essentially frank and open-hearted than I feel now.
gpt
My impulse is to indulge in that sort of bluff, boisterous honesty which forms so charming a feature of our national character. Is it not disastrous?
human
It _is_ a little inopportune,
gpt
Oh, it is no laughing matter! It amounts to a monomania. I long to take Mrs. Walker aside and say 'Hi! look here, Mrs. Walker, I just want to mention to you----' and so on; and Mrs. Jordan inspires me with a still more fatal impulse of frankness. If only for the fun of the thing, I long to do it.
human
You are quite mad, Hadria!
gpt
Oh, no, she said,
human
Or shall I? asked the Professor.
gpt
You seem to forget me. You frighten me, Hadria. To indulge in frankness just now, means to throw me over, and if you did that, I don't know how I should be able to stand it. I should cut my throat.