human
He is compassed about, Ben said, knowing Clarity shared his anxiety.
gpt
He may be obliged to sell a tetradrachm of the time of Dyckman. Clarity nodded, moving their crow's-nest back and forth with her little brown hands, so that he could see her body arch and sway, arch and sway, bending and straightening as the wind blew her hair back to him and hid her face from time to time--still he could look down and see Faith walking out through the stockade walls into the woods. The parasol was the only thing the gray dogs were likely to desire, and Clarity had that now, under her arm; therefore the dogs were not likely to attack Faith, but Ben nevertheless felt a certain gloom, because she was too far away, too far down for him to shout a warning. No real danger of course. He said to Clarity:
human
Mind that thing, Mistress Coronal--I must be going.
gpt
Rest, John! All evening you was like a cat on a hot stove, la, and all Sunday too. Can't you sleep? Can't I help you sleep?
human
I'd have been lost long ago but for your kindness, Kate.
gpt
Oh, now! Something hot to drink? I could get it easy.
human
I had enough in the evening, or too much. Besides, dear, I'm not certain the boys are asleep. Heard some stirring. One of them opening the window or the like. I don't think Ru's been sleeping well--red-eyed in the morning, and d'you know I can't ask? Don't know how.
gpt
Don't fret so--'tis only their time of life. Both brave boys, and will be grand men. In a few years you'll have no cause for anything but pride in 'em, the both of 'em.
human
That's true.... Kate, it would not much amaze me if the boys--Reuben at least--were quite aware that sometimes I come up here to thy room at night. They'd never speak, never show the knowledge by so much as a look; I think they'd never even discuss it with each other alone; and neither would have any unkind thought about it.
gpt
Oh.... All the same----
human
I know. Best to remain discreet. Still, if we were wed----
gpt
It's not fitting, John. The gossip that's gone on about us, all these years, it's become a--a--what's the word I want?
human
A commonplace?
gpt
Yes, of course--that, with a pox. But don't you see?--if we was to wed now there'd be talk of another kind, and then--then I must be Madam Kenny and bear it like a lady, which I am _not_, John, and cannot be. Oh, let be as it is! I'd be most wretched, John--truly.... As you say, the boys would never speak of it. I know them too. I love them too, John.
human
Well.... If it were spoken I suppose Ben would be--embarrassed, let us say, because he's much aware of social opinion. And Reuben--who looketh down upon social opinion from his own mountaintop like a puzzled angel--Reuben would hold some thought about it which I could never understand, never interpret--Kate, I don't _know_ them!... I can't see my own youth, Kate. I think of it. A thousand things keep coming back to me now that never did so in my fifties, or sixties--my father's sniff, my Aunt Jessica's passion for setting the furniture exactly parallel to the walls and washing her hands a hundred times a day--damme, the very shape of a knot in the ash stick my father used for correcting me, and didn't I count it a great thing won if I was hit with the plain part of the stick and not with the knob! How Ru would have loathed him! I did too, but a long time after he was dead I suppose I acquired a certain comprehension, even gratitude in some matters. Well, those things come back, but only like little pictures, Kate. I can't _feel_ how it was, to be a youth of Ben's age. I only know that once I was, and that in a world nothing like the one they live in, nothing like.... Mr. Welland stopped by at my office today.
gpt
Mr. Welland!
human
Nay, nothing to do with illness. I now learn, Kate, that our Reuben hath suddenly decided he wishes to study medicine.
gpt
Marry come up!
human
Ye-es. Well, I wish he might have discussed it with me first, but from what Mr. Welland told me, I believe the thought came suddenly, and I suppose Ru felt unready to speak to me about it, and Mr. Welland being in town anyway on some other errand--mph, anyway, so it is. Maybe a passing thing--but Welland seemed to think not, and was earnest, nay almost impassioned in telling me he thought the boy had a true call to it. I like Welland of course--honest man, courteous too, said he would be pleased to take Reuben as apprentice, by whatever arrangement suited my own plans for him. Man of learning too--I found we share many interests.... Damn the thing, I could have wished better for Reuben than--oh, pills, syrups, the whining of sick people, exposing himself to dangerous ills, but....
gpt
That's what troubled you today?
human
Uh--well, no. Of course I must have some talk with Reuben about this in--well, in a day or two....
gpt
Tell Kate.
human
Kate, I have done a thing, the which seemed right to me at the time, and still does, but....
gpt
Tell Kate.
human
Oh?
gpt
Ay--Barbados. And Ben does not know it, Kate, and will not know it until she is gone.
human
Oh, John!
gpt
I know. Now let me try to tell thee: Ben was most desirous to sail--you knew that--and I--I can't have it, Kate. Not now, and he so young--the hardships, and his study disrupted, all that. A while ago--a week ago Saturday, I think--he spoke to me of this. He had the thought that _Artemis_ might make a quick passage to New York. It was reasonable. He'd given it much thought evidently, and spoke up every inch a man, I was obliged to consider it, though I still think my own judgment is best, and so--so she's for Barbados, and will surely bring enough on her return to clear away--certain debts, and put us in good posture for some time to come.... Well, let it be I'm simply a coward, Kate: I could not face him, and tell him he was not to go--that is, not now, when I--I tell thee, Kate, I can't quite seem to recover from what happened to _Iris_. Not as I used to recover from such misfortune. Why, when _Hera_ was lost--oh, I'm getting old. I simply could not bear to see the light go out of him, as I knew it would.
human
But later, when he's bound to know----
gpt
Kate--dear--don't you think it may be better for him to meet it as a thing already done, no room for discussion?
human
Oh, I don't know, John. He--it's not for me to say.
gpt
But you know I wish to hear whatever you think.
human
I--don't know. Some-way, it don't seem....
gpt
You think he may be angry with me?
human
I never saw Ben angry. Could be, I vow, if he was hurt.
gpt
And you think this may hurt him, too much?
human
I--don't _know_, John. It seemed right to you, and--oh dearie me----
gpt
Well, there, never mind. It's done. I sha'n't tell him till tomorrow. Nor Reuben of course, seeing I can't burden him with the obligation to keep a secret from his brother.... I was obliged to cross Ben in one other particular--maybe it a'n't important. He put in a good word once or twice for Mr. Shawn, you see, to replace poor Jan. I considered it. I like Shawn well enough--I suppose. But then yesterday--ay, Sunday it was--Reuben said something, to me alone, that gave me pause.
human
Reuben did! John, I--did not like that Mr. Shawn.
gpt
You too?
human
I only glimpsed him the once, that evening he came here. I felt a coldness in him. I a'n't wise in the head, John, but my heart knows a little sometimes. I did feel a coldness.
gpt
Not so far from what Reuben said. We were speaking of Jan's death, and Reuben said--blurted it, not his natural way at all, and I could see it cost him pain--Ru said: 'Ha'n't they even questioned him?' I was obliged to ask whom he meant. He said: 'Shawn, that devil Shawn.' He said: 'Will they not ask him concerning ends and means? Will they not ask him how far he would go to secure a vessel so to be another Francis Drake?' Well, I--I chided him, Kate--it shocked me, not only because he lacks a man's years. He apologized and said no more. But then today, it so happened another man applied--Will Hanson, New Haven man, a good sailor that Jenks knew from years past. Jenks wished to sign him on. I had meant to suggest Mr. Shawn, but I remembered what Reuben said and held my peace, and so--so Hanson will be mate when she sails tomorrow.... I'm getting old--fret and fume over decisions I'd've made a few years ago with a snap of the fingers--and been right too. Usually. Oh, my foot! God damn that bloody thing!
human
Lie still. You know it alway stops hurting if you lie still.
gpt
Ah, you're kind.
human
Why, John, you're mine in the sight of God. And you not even able to believe!--well, there, I made my peace with that too, long ago, for a'n't it what makes the world go 'round, a'n't I alway said so? Nay, love, never mind how I chatter. Try now if you can't get some sleep.