human
The trials of the barbarian are really nothing as compared with the tribulations of civilized man, he said, as the waitress passed him a piece of steak that had been burned to a crisp.
gpt
In the Cannibal Islands a cook who would send a piece of broiled missionary to her employer's table in this condition would herself be roasted before another day had dawned. We, however, must grin and bear it, because our esteemed landlady cannot find anywhere in this town a woman better suited for the labors of the kitchen than the blank she has had the misfortune to draw in the culinary lottery, familiarly known to us, her victims, as Bridget.
human
This is an exceptional case, said Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
We haven't had a steak like this before in several weeks.
human
True, returned the Idiot.
gpt
This is a sirloin, I believe. The last steak we had was a rump steak, and it was not burned to a crisp, I admit. It was only boiled, if I remember rightly, by mistake; Bridget having lost her fifth consecutive cousin in ten days the night before, and being in consequence so prostrated that she could not tell a gridiron from a lawn-mower.
human
Well, you know the popular superstition, Mr. Idiot, said the Poet.
gpt
The devil sends the cooks.
human
I don't believe it, retorted the Idiot.
gpt
That's one of those proverbs that haven't a particle of truth in 'em--nor a foundation in reason either, like 'Never look a gift horse in the mouth.' Of all absurd advice ever given to man by a thoughtless thinker, that, I think, bears the palm. I know a man who didn't look a gift horse in the mouth, and the consequence was that he accepted a horse that was twenty-eight years old. The beast died in his stables three days later, and the beneficiary had to pay five dollars to have him carted away. As for the devil sending the cooks, I haven't any faith in the theory. Any person who had come from the devil would know how to manage a fire better than ninety-nine per cent. of the cooks ever born. It would be a good thing if every one of 'em were forced to serve an apprenticeship with the Prince of Darkness. However, steak like this serves a good purpose. It serves to bind our little circle more firmly together. There's nothing like mutual suffering to increase the sympathy that should exist between men situated as we are; and as for Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog, I wish her to understand distinctly that I am criticising the cook and not herself. If this particular dainty had been prepared by her own fair hand, I doubt not I should want more of it.
human
I thank you, returned the landlady, somewhat mollified by this remark.
gpt
If I had more time I should occasionally do the cooking myself, but, as it is, I am overwhelmed with work.
human
I can bear witness to that, observed Mr. Whitechoker.
gpt
Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog is one of the most useful ladies in my congregation. If it were not for her, many a heathen would be going without garments to-day.
human
Well, I don't like to criticise, said the Idiot,
gpt
What would you have such a guild do?
human
Do? There'd be so much for it to do that the members could hardly find time to rest, returned the Idiot.
gpt
Do? Why, my dear sir, take this house, for instance, and see what it could do here. What a boon it would be for me if some kind-hearted person would come here once a week and sew buttons on my clothes, darn my socks--in short, keep me mended. What better work for one who desires to make the world brighter, happier, and less sinful!
human
I fail to see how the world would be brighter, happier, or less sinful if your suspender-buttons were kept firm, and your stockings darned, and your wardrobe generally mended, said Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
I grant that such a guild would be doing a noble work if it would take you in hand and correct many of your impressions, revise your well-known facts so as to bring them more in accord with indubitable truths, and impart to your customs some of that polish which you so earnestly strive for in your dress.
human
Thank you, said the Idiot, suavely.
gpt
But I don't wish to overburden the kind ladies to whom I refer. If my costumes could be looked after I might find time to look after my customs, and, I assure you, Mr. Pedagog, if at any time you will undertake to deliver a course of lectures on Etiquette, I will gladly subscribe for two orchestra-chairs and endeavor to occupy both of them. At any rate, to return to the main point, I claim that the world would be happier and brighter and less sinful if the domestic heathen were kept mended by such a guild, and I challenge any one here to deny, even on so slight a basis as the loose suspender-button, the truth of what I say. When I arise in the morning and find a button gone, do I make genial remarks about the joys of life? I do not. I use words. Sometimes one word, which need not be repeated here. I am unhappy, and, being unhappy, the world seems dark and dreary, and in speaking impatiently, though very much to the point, as I do, I am guilty of an offence that is sinful. With such a start in the morning, I come here to the table. Mr. Pedagog sees that I am not quite myself. He asks me if I am not feeling well, an irritating question at any time, but particularly so to a man with a suspender-button gone. I retort. He re-retorts, until our converse is warmer than the coffee, and our relations colder than the waffles. Finally I leave the house, slamming the door behind me, structurally weakening the house, and go to business, where I wreak my vengeance upon the second clerk, who takes it out of the office-boy, who goes home and vents his wrath on his little sister, who, goaded into recklessness, teases the baby until he yells and gets spanked by his mother for being noisy. Now, why should a loose suspender-button be allowed to subject that baby to such humiliation, and who can deny that, if it had been properly sewed on by a guild, such as I have mentioned, the baby never would have been spanked for the causes mentioned? What is _your_ answer, Mr. Whitechoker?
human
Truly, I am so breathless at your logic that I cannot reason, said the Minister.
gpt
But haven't we digressed a little? We were speaking of cooks, and we conclude with a pathetic little allegory about a suspender-button and a baby that is not only teased but spanked.
human
The baby could get the same spanking for reasons based on the shortcomings of the cooks, said the Idiot.
gpt
I am irritated when I am served with green pease hard enough to batter down Gibraltar if properly aimed; when my coffee is a warmed-over reminiscence of last night's demi-tasse, I leave the house in a frame of mind that bodes ill for the junior clerk, and the effect on the baby is ultimately the same.
human
And--er--you'd have the ladies whose energies are now devoted towards the clothing of the heathen come here and do the cooking?
gpt
I leave if they do, said the Doctor.
human
I have seen too much of the effects of amateur cookery in my profession to want any of it. They are good cooks in theory, but not in practice.
gpt
There you have it! said the Idiot, triumphantly.
human
Right in a nutshell. That's where the cooks are always weak. They have none of the theory and all of the practice. If they based practice on theory, they'd cook better. Wherefore let your theoretical cooks seek out the practical and instruct them in the principles of the culinary art. Think of what twelve ladies could do; twelve ladies trained in the sewing-circle to talk rapidly, working five hours a day apiece, could devote an hour a week to three hundred and sixty cooks, and tell them practically all they themselves know in that time; and if, in addition to this, twelve other ladies, forming an auxiliary guild, would make dresses and bonnets and things for the same cooks, instead of for the cannibals, it would keep them good-natured.
gpt
Splendid scheme! said the Doctor.
human
So practical. Your brain must weigh half an ounce.
gpt
I've never had it weighed, said the Idiot,
human
I think possibly you are right when you say that, said the Doctor.
gpt
I have myself observed that the people who sing at their work do the best work.
human
But the worst singing,
gpt
That may be true, put in the Idiot;
human
I think your scheme is certainly a picturesque one and novel, said Mr. Whitechoker.
gpt
There seems to be a good deal in it. Don't you think so, Mr. Pedagog?
human
Yes--I do, said Mr. Pedagog, wearily.
gpt
A great deal--of language.
human
Heigh-ho! sighed the Idiot, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
gpt
This is a weary world.
human
What? This from you? smiled the Poet.
gpt
I never expected to hear that plaint from a man of your cheerful disposition.
human
Humph! said the Idiot, with difficulty repressing a yawn.
gpt
Humph! and I may add, likewise, tut! What do you take me for--an insulated sun-beam? I can't help it if shadows camp across my horizon occasionally. I wouldn't give a cent for the man who never had his moments of misery. It takes night to enable us to appreciate daytime. Misery is a foil necessary to the full appreciation of joy. I'm glad I am sort of down in the mouth to-day. I'll be all right to-morrow, and I'll enjoy to-morrow all the more for to-day's megrim. But for the present, I repeat, this is a weary world.
human
Oh, I don't think so, observed the School-master.
gpt
The world doesn't seem to me to betray any signs of weariness. It got to work at the usual hour this morning, and, as far as I can judge, has been revolving at the usual rate of speed ever since.
human
The Idiot's mistake is a common one, put in the Doctor.
gpt
I find it frequently in my practice.
human
That's a confession, retorted the Idiot.
gpt
Do you find out these mistakes in your practice before or after the death of the patient?
human
That mistake, continued the Doctor, paying apparently little heed to the Idiot's remark--
gpt
It isn't a fatal disease, is it? queried the Idiot, anxiously.
human
I am not likely to become so impressed with that idea, for instance, that I shall have to be put in a padded cell and manacled so that I may not turn perpetual handsprings under the hallucination that, being the world, it is my duty to revolve?
gpt
No, replied the Doctor, with a laugh.
human
No, indeed. That is not at all likely to happen, but I think it would be a good idea if you were to carry the hallucination out far enough to put a cake of ice on your head, assuming that to be the north pole, and cool off that brain of yours.
gpt
That is a good idea, returned the Idiot;
human
Then why under the canopy don't you leave it and go to some other world? snapped Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
You are under no obligation to remain here. With a river on either side of the city, and a New York Juggernaut Company, Unlimited, running trolley-cars up and down two of our more prominent highways, suicide is within the reach of all. Of course, we should be sorry to lose you, in a way, but I have known men to recover from even greater afflictions than that.
human
Thank you for the suggestion, replied the Idiot, transferring four large, porous buckwheat-cakes to his plate.
gpt
Thank you very much, but I have a pleasanter and more lingering method of suicide right here. Death by buckwheat-cakes is like being pierced by a Toledo blade. You do not realize the terrors of your situation until you cease to be susceptible to them. Furthermore, I do not believe in suicide. It is, in my judgment, the worst crime a man can commit, and I cannot but admire the remarkable discernment evinced by the Fates in making of it its own inevitable capital punishment. A man may commit murder and escape death, but in the commission of suicide he is sure of execution. Just as Virtue is its own reward, so is Suicide its own amercement.
human
Been reading the dictionary again?
gpt
No, not exactly, said the Idiot, with a smile,
human
I am interested to know how _you_ ever came to be the owner of a _Thesaurus_, said the School-master, with a grim smile at the idea of the Idiot having such a book in his possession.
gpt
Except on the score of affinities. You are both very wordy.
human
Meaning pleonastic, I presume,
gpt
I beg your pardon?
human
Never mind, said the Idiot.
gpt
I won't press the analogy, but I will say that those who are themselves periphrastic should avoid criticising others for being ambaginous.
human
I think you mean ambiguous,
gpt
I thought you'd think that, retorted the Idiot.
human
That's why I used the word 'ambaginous.' I'll lend you my dictionary to freshen up your phraseology. Meanwhile, I'll tell you how I happened to get a _Thesaurus_. I thought it was an animal, and when I saw that a New York bookseller had a lot of them marked down from two dollars to one, I sent and got one. I thought it was strange for a bookseller to be selling rare animals, but that was his business, not mine; and as I was anxious to see what kind of a creature a _Thesaurus_ was, I invested. When I found out it was a book and not a tame relic of the antediluvian animal kingdom, I thought I wouldn't say anything about it, but you people here are so inquisitive you've learned my secret.
gpt
And wasn't it an animal?
human
My dear--my _dear_! ejaculated Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
Pray--ah--I beg of you, do not enter into this discussion.
human
No, Mrs. Pedagog, observed the Idiot,
gpt
I am beginning to understand the causes of your weariness, observed Mr. Pedagog, acridly.
human
You have been memorizing syllables. Really, I should think you were in danger of phonetic prostration.
gpt
Not a bit of it, said the Idiot.
human
Those words are stimulating, not depressing. I begin to feel better already, now that I have spoken them. I am not half so weary as I was, but for my weariness I had good cause. I suffered all night from a most frightful nightmare. It utterly destroyed my rest.
gpt
Welsh-rarebit? queried the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibed, with a tone of reproach.
human
If so, why was I not with you?
gpt
That question should be its own answer, replied the Idiot.
human
A man who will eat a Welsh-rarebit alone is not only a person of a sullen disposition, but of reckless mould as well. I would no sooner think of braving a Welsh-rarebit unaccompanied than I would think of trying to swim across the British Channel without a lifesaving boat following in my wake.
gpt
I question if so light a body as you could have a wake!
human
I am sorry, but I can't agree with you, Mr. Pedagog, said the Bibliomaniac.
gpt
A tugboat, most insignificant of crafts, roils up the surface of the sea more than an ocean steamer does. Fuss goes with feathers more than with large bodies.
human
Well, they're neither of 'em in it with a cake of soap for real, bona-fide suds, said the Idiot, complacently, as he helped himself to his thirteenth buckwheat-cake.
gpt
However, wakes have nothing to do with the case. I had a most frightful dream, and it was not due to Welsh-rarebits, but to my fatal weakness, which, not having my _Thesaurus_ at hand, I must identify by the commonplace term of courtesy. You may not have noticed it, but courtesy is my strong point.
human
We haven't observed the fact, said Mr. Pedagog;
gpt
I have, replied the Idiot,
human
I don't see why more than one of them should thank you, sniffed the landlady.
gpt
If a man gives up a trolley-car seat to sixteen ladies, only one of them can occupy it.
human
I stand corrected, said the Idiot.
gpt
I gave up a seat to ladies sixteen times between City Hall and Twenty-third Street. I can't bring myself to sit down while a woman stands, and every time I'd get a seat some woman would get on the car. Hence it was that I gave up my seat to sixteen ladies. Why two of them should thank me, considering the rules, I do not know. It certainly is not the custom. At any rate, if I had walked up-town, I should not have had more exercise than I got on that car, bobbing up and down so many times, and lurching here and lurching there every time the car stopped, started, or turned a corner. Whether it was the thanks or the lurching I got, I don't know, but the incidents of the ride were so strongly impressed upon me that I dreamed all night, only in my dreams I was not giving up car seats. The first seat I gave up to a woman in the dream was an eighty-thousand-dollar seat in the Stock Exchange. It was expensive courtesy, but I did it, and mourned so over the result that I waked up and discovered that it was but a dream. Then I went to sleep again. This time I was at the opera. I had the best seat in the house, when in came a woman who hadn't a chair. Same result. I got up. She sat down, and I had to stand behind a pillar where I could neither see nor hear. More grief; waked up again, more tired than when I went to bed. In ten minutes I dozed off. Found myself an ambitious statesman running for the Presidency. Was elected and inaugurated. Up comes a Woman's Rights candidate. More courtesy. Gave up the Presidential chair to her and went home to obscurity, when again I awoke tireder than ever. Clock struck four. Fell asleep again. This time I was prepared for anything that might happen. I found myself in a trolley-car, but with me I had a perforated chair-bottom, such as the street peddlers sell. Lady got aboard. I put the perforated chair-bottom on my lap and invited her to sit down. She thanked me and did so. Then another lady got on. The lady on my lap moved up and made room for the second lady. She sat down. Between them they must have weighed three hundred pounds. I could have stood that, but as time went on more ladies got aboard, and every time that happened these first-comers would move up and make room for them. How they did it I can't say, any more than I can say how in real life three women can find room in a car-seat vacated by a little child. They did the former just as they do the latter, until finally I found myself flattened into the original bench like the pattern figure of a carpet. I felt like an entaglio; thirty women by actual count were pressing me to remain, as it were, but the worst of it all was they none of them seemed to live anywhere. We rode on and on and on, but nobody got off. I tried to move--and couldn't. We passed my corner, but there I was fixed. I couldn't breathe, and so couldn't call out, and I verily believe that if I hadn't finally waked up I should by this time have reached Hong-Kong, for I have a distinct recollection of passing through Chicago, Denver, San Francisco, and Honolulu. Finally, I did wake, however, simply worn out with my night's rest, which, gentlemen, is why I say, as I have already said, this is a weary world.
human
Well, I don't blame you, said Mr. Whitechoker, kindly.
gpt
That was a most remarkable dream.
human
Yes, assented Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
But quite in line with his waking thoughts.
human
Very likely, said the Idiot, rising and preparing to depart.
gpt
It was absurd in most of its features, but in one of them it was excellent. I am going to see the president of the Electric Juggernaut Company, as you call it, in regard to it to-day. I think there is money in that idea of having an extra chair-seat for every passenger to hold in his lap. In that way twice as many seated passengers can be accommodated, and countless people with tender feet will be spared the pain of having other wayfarers standing upon them.
human
If I were a millionaire, began the Idiot one Sunday morning, as he and his friends took their accustomed seats at the breakfast-table,
gpt
I would devote a tenth of my income to the poor, a tenth to children's fresh-air funds, and the balance to the education through travel of a dear and intimate friend of mine.
human
That would be a generous distribution of your wealth, said Mr. Whitechoker, graciously.
gpt
But upon what would you live yourself?
human
I should stipulate in the bargain with my dear and intimate friend that we should be inseparable; that wherever he should go I should go, and that, of the funds devoted to his education through travel, one-half should be paid to me as my commission for letting him into a good thing.
gpt
You certainly have good business sense, put in the Bibliomaniac.
human
I wish I had had when I was collecting rare editions.
gpt
Collecting rare books and a good business sense seldom go together, I fancy, said the Idiot.
human
I began collecting books once, but I gave it up and took to collecting coins. I chose my coin and devoted my time to getting in that variety alone, and it has paid me.
gpt
I don't exactly gather your meaning, said Mr. Whitechoker.
human
You chose your coin?
gpt
Precisely. I said, 'Here! Most coin collectors spend their time looking for one or two rare coins, for which, when they are found, they pay fabulous prices. The result is oftentimes penury. I, on the other hand, will look for coins of a common sort which do not command fabulous prices.' So I chose United States five-dollar gold pieces, irrespective of dates, for my collection, and the result is moderate affluence. I have between sixty and a hundred of them at my savings-bank, and when I have found it necessary to realize on them I have not experienced the slightest difficulty in forcing them back into circulation at cost.
human
You are a wise Idiot,