human
I shall require supper,
gpt
By all means, sir, replied his dragoman;
human
he added.
gpt
Consider these lilies of the town, they toil not, neither do they spin----
human
Yet Solomon in all his glory, chipped in the Angel eagerly,
gpt
Indeed they are an insouciant crowd, mused his dragoman.
human
How tinkling is their laughter! The habit dates from the days of the Great Skirmish, when nothing but laughter would meet the case.
gpt
Tell me, said the Angel,
human
Satisfied? Oh dear, no, sir! But you know what it is: They are obliged to wait for each fresh development before they can see what they have to counteract; and, since that great creative force, 'the good of trade,' is always a little stronger than the forces of criticism and reform, each development carries them a little further on the road to----
gpt
Hell! How hungry I am again! exclaimed the Angel.
human
Let us sup!
gpt
Laughter, said the Angel Æthereal, applying his wineglass to his nose,
human
I would go further, sir, returned his dragoman,
gpt
See! he said, indicating the other supper-takers with a circular movement of his beard,
human
he wheezed, as they resumed their seats,
gpt
he added,
human
I do not comprehend, he said at last,
gpt
To cause amusement, sir, replied his dragoman.
human
Look at the laughing faces around you.
gpt
But it is not funny,
human
No, indeed, returned his dragoman.
gpt
Be so good as to carry your eyes now to the stage on the right, but not for long. What do you see?
human
I see a very red-nosed man beating a very white-nosed man about the body.
gpt
It is a real scream, is it not?
human
No, said the Angel drily.
gpt
Does nothing else ever happen on these stages?
human
Nothing. Stay! _Revues_ happen!
gpt
What are _revues_?
human
Criticisms of life, sir, as it would be seen by persons inebriated on various intoxicants.
gpt
They should be joyous.
human
They are accounted so, his dragoman replied;
gpt
Are there no plays, no operas?
human
Not in the old and proper sense of these words. They disappeared towards the end of the Great Skirmish.
gpt
What food for the mind is there, then?
human
None in public, sir, for it is well recognised, and has been ever since those days, that laughter alone promotes business and removes the thought of death. You cannot recall, as I can, sir, the continual stream which used to issue from theatres, music-halls, and picture-palaces in the days of the Great Skirmish, nor the joviality of the Strand and the more expensive restaurants. I have often thought, he added with a touch of philosophy,
gpt
Is that really what the English did at the time of the Great Skirmish?
human
It is,
gpt
Then they are a very fine people, and I can put up with much about them which seems to me distressing.
human
Ah! sir, though, being an Englishman, I am sometimes inclined to disparage the English, I am yet convinced that you could not fly a week's journey and come across another race with such a peculiar nobility, or such an unconquerable soul, if you will forgive my using a word whose meaning is much disputed. May I tempt you with a clam? he added, more lightly.
gpt
We now have them from America--in fair preservation, and very nasty they are, in my opinion.
human
My Lord!
gpt
Quite so! replied his dragoman.
human
But kindly glance at the right-hand stage again. There is a _revue_ on now. What do you see?
gpt
Tut, tut! he said;
human
I see some attractive young females with very few clothes on, walking up and down in front of what seem to me, indeed, to be two grown-up men in collars and jackets as of little boys. What precise criticism of life is this conveying?
gpt
Do you not feel, sir, from your own sensations, how marvellously this informs one of the secret passions of mankind? Is there not in it a striking revelation of the natural tendencies of the male population? Remark how the whole audience, including your august self, is leaning forward and looking through their thumb-holes?
human
True, he said,
gpt
I was carried away. But that is not the criticism of life which art demands. If it had been, the audience, myself included, would have been sitting back with their lips curled dry, instead of watering.
human
For all that, replied his dragoman,
gpt
Pity! said the Angel, imperceptibly edging forward;
human
It is plain, sir, said his dragoman,
gpt
Does taste, then, no longer exist?
human
It is not wholly, as yet, extinct, but lingers in the communal kitchens and canteens, as introduced by the Young Men's Christian Association in the days of the Great Skirmish. While there is appetite there is hope, nor is it wholly discouraging that taste should now centre in the stomach; for is not that the real centre of man's activity? Who dare affirm that from so universal a foundation the fair structure of æstheticism shall not be rebuilt? The eye, accustomed to the look of dainty dishes and pleasant cookery, may once more demand the architecture of Wren, the sculpture of Rodin, the paintings of--dear me--whom? Why, sir, even before the days of the Great Skirmish, when you were last on earth, we had already begun to put the future of æstheticism on a more real basis, and were converting the concert-halls of London into hotels. Few at the time saw the far-reaching significance of that movement, or realised that æstheticism was to be levelled down to the stomach, in order that it might be levelled up again to the head, on true democratic principles.
gpt
But what, said the Angel, with one of his preternatural flashes of acumen,
human
That indeed, sighed his dragoman, placing his hand on his heart,
gpt
he murmured to the waiter.
human
But the stout heart refuses to despair. Besides, advertisements show decided traces of æsthetic advance. All the great painters, poets, and fiction writers are working on them; the movement had its origin in the propaganda demanded by the Great Skirmish. You will not recollect the war poetry of that period, the patriotic films, the death cartoons, and other remarkable achievements. We have just as great talents now, though their object has not perhaps the religious singleness of those stirring times. Not a food, corset, or collar which has not its artist working for it! Toothbrushes, nutcrackers, babies' baths--the whole caboodle of manufacture--are now set to music. Such themes are considered subliminal if not sublime. No, sir, I will not despair; it is only at moments when I have dined poorly that the horizon seems dark. Listen--they have turned on the 'Kalophone,' for you must know that all music now is beautifully made by machine--so much easier for every one.
gpt
The tune, he said,
human
Yes, sir, answered his dragoman,
gpt
That I refuse to do,
human
And you are wise, sir, for it is a puzzler, and many have cracked their heads over it. But have we not been here long enough? We can pursue our researches into the higher realms of art to-morrow.
gpt
Yes, perhaps we had better go,
human
And so it is through the fields of true art that we shall walk this morning?
gpt
Such as they are in this year of Peace 1947, responded his dragoman, arresting him before a statue;
human
Whom does this represent?
gpt
A celebrated publicist, recently deceased at a great age. You see him unfolded by this work of multiform genius, in every aspect known to art, religion, nature, and the population. From his knees downwards he is clearly devoted to nature, and is portrayed as about to enter his bath. From his waist to his knees he is devoted to religion--mark the complete disappearance of the human aspect. From his neck to his waist he is devoted to public affairs; observe the tweed coat, the watch chain, and other signs of practical sobriety. But the head is, after all, the crown of the human being, and is devoted to art. This is why you cannot make out that it is a head. Note its pyramidal severity, its cunning little ears, its box-built, water-tightal structure. The hair you note to be in flames. Here we have the touch of beauty--the burning shrub. In the whole you will observe that aversion from natural form and the single point of view, characteristic of all twentieth-century æsthetics. The whole thing is a very great masterpiece of childlike contortionism. To do things as irresponsibly as children and contortionists--what a happy discovery of the line of least resistance in art that was! Mark, by the way, this exquisite touch about the left hand.
human
It appears to be deformed,
gpt
Look closer still, returned his dragoman,
human
How?
gpt
Why, sir, somersault is its mainspring. Did you never observe the great Russian's method? Prepare your characters to do one thing, and make them very swiftly do the opposite. Thus did that terrific novelist demonstrate his overmastering range of vision and knowledge of the depths of human nature. Since his characters never varied this routine in the course of some eight thousand pages, people have lightly said that he repeated himself. But what of that? Consider what perfect dissociation he thereby attained between character and action; what nebulosity of fact; what a truly childlike and mystic mix-up of all human values hitherto known! And here, sir, at the risk of tickling you, I must whisper. The dragoman made a trumpet of his hand:
human
Fiction can only be written by those who have exceptionally little knowledge of ordinary human nature, and great fiction only by such as have none at all.
gpt
How is that?
human
Surprise, sir, is the very kernel of all effects in art, and in real life people _will_ act as their characters and temperaments determine that they shall. This dreadful and unmalleable trait would have upset all the great mystic masters from generation to generation if they had only noticed it. But did they? Fortunately not. These greater men naturally put into their books the greater confusion and flux in which their extraordinary selves exist! The nature they portray is not human, but super- or subter-human, which you will. Who would have it otherwise?
gpt
Not I, said the Angel.
human
For I confess to a liking for what is called the 'tuppence coloured.' But Russians are not as other men, are they?
gpt
They are not, said his dragoman,
human
Very piquant, said the Angel, turning from the masterpiece before him.
gpt
Are there no undraped statues to be seen?
human
In no recognisable form. For, not being educated to the detached contemplation which still prevailed to a limited extent even as late as the days of the Great Skirmish, the populace can no longer be trusted with such works of art; they are liable to rush at them, for embrace, or demolition, as their temperaments may dictate.
gpt
The Greeks are dead, then,
human
As door-nails, sir. They regarded life as a thing to be enjoyed--a vice you will not have noticed in the British. The Greeks were an outdoor people, who lived in the sun and the fresh air, and had none of the niceness bred by the life of our towns. We have long been renowned for our delicacy about the body; nor has the tendency been decreased by constituting Watch Committees of young persons in every borough. These are now the arbiters of art, and nothing unsuitable to the child of seven passes their censorship.
gpt
How careful!
human
The result has been wonderful, remarked his dragoman.
gpt
Wonderful! he repeated, dreamily.
human
I suppose there is more smouldering sexual desire and disease in this country than in any other.
gpt
Was that the intention?
human
Oh! no, sir! That is but the natural effect of so remarkably pure a surface. All is within instead of without. Nature has now wholly disappeared. The process was sped up by the Great Skirmish. For, since then, we have had little leisure and income to spare on the gratification of anything but laughter; this and the 'unco-guid' have made our art-surface glare in the eyes of the nations, thin and spotless as if made of tin.
gpt
I had hoped for better things,
human
You must not suppose, sir, pursued his dragoman,
gpt
It would appear, said the Angel,
human
Except for a more external purity, and a higher internal corruption,
gpt
Are artists still noted for their jealousies?
human
They are, sir; for that is inherent in the artistic temperament, which is extremely touchy about fame.
gpt
And do they still get angry when those gentlemen--the----
human
Critics, his dragoman suggested.
gpt
They get angry, sir; but critics are usually anonymous, and from excellent reasons; for not only are the passions of an angry artist very high, but the knowledge of an angry critic is not infrequently very low, especially of art. It is kinder to save life, where possible.
human
For my part, said the Angel,
gpt
I have little regard for human life, and consider that many persons would be better buried.
human
That may be, his dragoman retorted with some irritation;
gpt
Well, said the Angel genially,
human
They have taken to declining that honour. We could see one in real life if we went to Cornwall.
gpt
Why Cornwall?
human
I cannot tell you, sir. There is something in the air which affects their passions.
gpt
I am hungry, and would rather go to the Savoy,
human
You are in luck, whispered his dragoman, when they had seated themselves at a table covered with prawns;
gpt
Then here goes! replied the Angel. And, turning to his neighbour, he asked pleasantly:
human
How do you do, sir? What is your income?
gpt
Ask my agent. He may conceivably possess the knowledge you require.
human
Answer me this, at all events, said the Angel, with more dignity, if possible:
gpt
How do you write your books? For it must be wonderful to summon around you every day the creatures of your imagination. Do you wait for afflatus?
human
No, said the author;
gpt
he added weightily,
human
He sits down every morning! My Lord, how good for trade!
gpt
A glass of sherry, dry, and ham sandwich, stale, can be obtained here, sir, said the dragoman;
human
Can it really be that the Law has changed? I had thought it immutable, said the Angel, causing his teeth to meet with difficulty:
gpt
What will be the nature of the suit to which we shall listen?
human
I have thought it best, sir, to select a divorce case, lest you should sleep, overcome by the ozone and eloquence in these places.
gpt
Ah! said the Angel:
human
I am ready.
gpt
The public _will_ frequent this class of case, whispered his dragoman.
human
How different when you were here in 1910!
gpt
Tell me, he murmured,
human
He in the bag-wig, sir, returned his dragoman;
gpt
What is their private life?
human
No better than it should be, perhaps, responded his dragoman facetiously;
gpt
he added,
human
They have wise faces, said the Angel.
gpt
Which is the prosecutor?
human
No, no! his dragoman answered, vividly:
gpt
This is a civil case. That is the plaintiff with a little mourning about her eyes and a touch of red about her lips, in the black hat with the aigrette, the pearls, and the fashionably sober clothes.
human
I see her, said the Angel:
gpt
We do not call it winning, sir; for this, as you must know, is a sad matter, and implies the breaking-up of a home. She will most unwillingly receive a decree, at least, I think so, he added;
human
King's Proctor? said the Angel.
gpt
What is that?
human
A celestial Die-hard, sir, paid to join together again those whom man have put asunder.
gpt
I do not follow,
human
I perceive, whispered his dragoman,
gpt
Oh! said the Angel.
human
And where is the guilty party?
gpt
Probably in the south of France, returned his dragoman,
human
Dear me! said the Angel.
gpt
Does she prefer that?
human
There are ladies, his dragoman replied,
gpt
The face of this one is most agreeable to me; I should not wish her to sink,
human
Agreeable or not, resumed his dragoman,
gpt
And how will he be penalised?
human
By receiving his freedom, returned his dragoman,
gpt
This is mysterious to me, murmured the Angel.
human
Is not the boot on the wrong leg?
gpt
Oh! sir, the law would not make a mistake like that. You are bringing a single mind to the consideration of this matter, but that will never do. This lady is a true and much-wronged wife; that is--let us hope so!--to whom our law has given its protection and remedy; but she is also, in its eyes, somewhat reprehensible for desiring to avail herself of that protection and remedy. For, though the law is now purely the affair of the State and has nothing to do with the Appointed, it still secretly believes in the religious maxim: 'Once married, always married,' and feels that however much a married person is neglected or ill-treated, she should not desire to be free.
human
She? said the Angel.
gpt
Does a man never desire to be free?
human
Oh, yes! sir, and not infrequently.
gpt
Does your law, then, not consider him reprehensible in that desire?
human
In theory, perhaps; but there is a subtle distinction. For, sir, as you observe from the countenances before you, the law is administered entirely by males, and males cannot but believe in the divine right of males to have a better time than females; and, though they do not say so, they naturally feel that a husband wronged by a wife is more injured than a wife wronged by a husband.
gpt
There is much in that, said the Angel.
human
But tell me how the oracle is worked--for it may come in handy!
gpt
You allude, sir, to the necessary procedure? I will make this clear. There are two kinds of cases: what I may call the 'O.K.' and what I may call the 'rig.' Now in the 'O.K.' it is only necessary for the plaintiff, if it be a woman, to receive a black eye from her husband and to pay detectives to find out that he has been too closely in the company of another; if it be a man, he need not receive a black eye from his wife, and has merely to pay the detectives to obtain the same necessary information.
human
Why this difference between the sexes?
gpt
Because, answered his dragoman,
human
But, said the Angel,
gpt
They have, sir.
human
Well----
gpt
When these conditions are complied with, interrupted his dragoman,
human
About that evidence? said the Angel.
gpt
What must the man do?
human
He will require to go to an hotel with a lady friend, replied his dragoman;
gpt
H'm! said the Angel.
human
This, indeed, seems to me to be all around about the bush. Could there not be some simple method which would not necessitate the perversion of the truth?
gpt
Ah, no! responded his dragoman.
human
You forget what I told you, sir. However unhappy people may be together, our law grudges their separation; it requires them therefore to be immoral, or to lie, or both, before they can part.
gpt
Curious!
human
You must understand, sir, that when a man says he will take a woman, and a woman says she will take a man, for the rest of their natural existence, they are assumed to know all about each other, though not permitted, of course, by the laws of morality to know anything of real importance. Since it is almost impossible from a modest acquaintanceship to make sure whether they will continue to desire each other's company after a completed knowledge, they are naturally disposed to go it 'blind,' if I may be pardoned the expression, and will take each other for ever on the smallest provocations. For the human being, sir, makes nothing of the words 'for ever,' when it sees immediate happiness before it. You can well understand, therefore, how necessary it is to make it very hard for them to get untied again.
gpt
I should dislike living with a wife if I were tired of her,
human
Sir, returned his dragoman confidentially,
gpt
That!
human
Ah! yes, sir; but does not this convince you of the necessity to force people who are tired of each other to go on living together?
gpt
No,
human
Well, his dragoman replied soberly,
gpt
I must admit that some have thought our marriage laws should be in a museum, for they are unique; and, though a source of amusement to the public, and emolument to the profession, they pass the comprehension of men and angels who have not the key of the mystery.
human
What key?
gpt
I will give it you, sir, said his dragoman:
human
The English have a genius for taking the shadow of a thing for its substance. 'So long,' they say, 'as our marriages, our virtue, our honesty, and happiness _seem_ to be, they _are_.' So long, therefore, as we do not dissolve a marriage it remains virtuous, honest and happy though the parties to it may be unfaithful, untruthful, and in misery. It would be regarded as awful, sir, for marriage to depend on mutual liking. We English cannot bear the thought of defeat. To dissolve an unhappy marriage is to recognise defeat by life, and we would rather that other people lived in wretchedness all their days than admit that members of our race had come up against something too hard to overcome. The English do not care about making the best out of this life in reality so long as they can do it in appearance.
gpt
Then they believe in a future life?
human
They did to some considerable extent up to the 'eighties of the last century, and their laws and customs were no doubt settled in accordance therewith, and have not yet had time to adapt themselves. We are a somewhat slow-moving people, always a generation or two behind our real beliefs.
gpt
They have lost their belief, then?
human
It is difficult to arrive at figures, sir, on such a question. But it has been estimated that perhaps one in ten adults now has some semblance of what may be called active belief in a future existence.
gpt
And the rest are prepared to let their lives be arranged in accordance with the belief of that tenth? asked the Angel, surprised.
human
Tell me, do they think their matrimonial differences will be adjusted over there, or what?
gpt
As to that, all is cloudy; and certain matters would be difficult to adjust without bigamy; for general opinion and the law permit the remarriage of persons whose first has gone before.
human
How about children? said the Angel;
gpt
Yes, sir, they are a difficulty. But here, again, my key will fit. So long as the marriage _seems_ real, it does not matter that the children know it isn't and suffer from the disharmony of their parents.
human
I think, said the Angel acutely,
gpt
Sir, said his dragoman, seemingly much struck,
human
I should not be surprised if you were right. There is little interest in divorce where no money is involved, and our poor are considered able to do without it. But I will never admit that this is the reason for the state of our divorce laws. No, no; I am an Englishman.
gpt
Well, said the Angel,
human
It is impossible to inform you, for judges are very deep and know all that is to be known on these matters. But of this you may be certain: if anything is fishy to the average apprehension, he will not suffer it to pass his nose.
gpt
Where is the average apprehension?
human
There, sir, said his dragoman, pointing to the jury with his chin,
gpt
And these others with grey heads who are calling each other friend, though they appear to be inimical?
human
Little can be hid from them, returned his dragoman;
gpt
Cease! said the Angel;
human
I wish to hear this evidence, and so does the lady on my left wing.
gpt
Tell me, remarked the Angel, when he had listened,
human
Fie, sir! responded his dragoman;
gpt
The whole matter, said the Angel with a frown,
human
It would be otherwise if the case were defended, sir, returned his dragoman;
gpt
If my wife were a wrong one, said the Angel,
human
I suppose that, according to your law, I could not sew her up in a sack and place it in the water?
gpt
We are not now in the days of the Great Skirmish, replied his dragoman somewhat coldly.
human
At that time any soldier who found his wife unfaithful, as we call it, could shoot her with impunity and receive the plaudits and possibly a presentation from the populace, though he himself may not have been impeccable while away--a masterly method of securing a divorce. But, as I told you, our procedure has changed since then; and even soldiers now have to go to work in this roundabout fashion.
gpt
Can he not shoot the paramour?
human
Not even that, answered his dragoman.
gpt
So soft and degenerate are the days. Though, if he can invent for the paramour a German name, he will still receive but a nominal sentence. Our law is renowned for never being swayed by sentimental reasons. I well recollect a case in the days of the Great Skirmish, when a jury found contrary to the plainest facts sooner than allow that reputation for impartiality to be tarnished.
human
Ah! said the Angel absently;
gpt
The jury are considering their verdict. The conclusion is, however, foregone, for they are not retiring. The plaintiff is now using her smelling salts.
human
She is a fine woman,
gpt
Hush, sir! The judge might hear you.
human
What if he does?
gpt
He would then eject you for contempt of Court.
human
Does he not think her a fine woman, too?
gpt
For the love of justice, sir, be silent, entreated his dragoman.
human
This concerns the happiness of three, if not of five lives. Look! She is lifting her veil; she is going to use her handkerchief.
gpt
I cannot bear to see a woman cry, said the Angel, trying to rise;
human
Kindly sit tight! murmured his dragoman to the lady, leaning across behind the Angel's back.
gpt
Listen, sir! he added to the Angel:
human
The jury are satisfied that what is necessary has taken place. All is well; she will get her decree.
gpt
Hurrah!
human
If that noise is repeated, I will have the Court cleared.
gpt
I am going to repeat it, said the Angel firmly;
human
Oh, sir! he said soothingly,
gpt
I am going to walk out with her,
human
I beseech you, said his dragoman, hurrying beside him,
gpt
Bring him to me; I will give it him!