human
Are you the great Academician, Perfessor Smith?
gpt
Yes, I said condescendingly.
human
Your description of me precludes further doubt. What can I do for you, my good man?
gpt
Are you this here Perfessor Smith of the Department of Anthropology in the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society?
human
What do you desire of me?
gpt
Prof, old sport, he said cordially,
human
I took a slant at the papers yesterday, an' I seen all about the big time these guys had when you rode the goat--
gpt
Rode--_what_?
human
When you was elected. Get me?
gpt
The privacy of those solemn proceedings should remain sacred. It were unfit to discuss such matters with the world at large,
human
I get you,
gpt
What do you desire of me? I repeated.
human
Why this unseemly apropos?
gpt
I was comin' to it. Perfessor, I'll be frank. I need money--
human
You need brains!
gpt
No, he said good-humouredly,
human
I've got 'em; plenty of 'em; I'm overstocked with idees. What I want to do is to sell _you_ a few--
gpt
Do you know you are impudent!
human
Listen, friend. I seen a piece in the papers as how you was to make the speech of your life when you ride the goat for these here guys on April first--
gpt
I decline to listen--
human
That's the question, he nodded with unimpaired cheerfulness,
gpt
Why are you concerned as to what may be the subject of my approaching address?
human
There you are, Prof! he exclaimed delightedly;
gpt
I want to do business with you. That's me! I'm frank about it. Say, there ought to be a wad of the joyful in it for us both--
human
What?
gpt
Sure. We can work it any old way. Take Tyng, Tyng and Company, the typewriter people. I'd be ashamed to tell you what I can get out o' them if you'll mention the Tyng-Tyng typewriter in your speech--
human
What you suggest is infamous!
gpt
Believe _me_ there's enough in it to make it a financial coup, and I ask you, Prof, isn't a financial coup respectable?
human
You seem to be morally unfitted to comprehend--
gpt
Pardon _me_! I'm fitted up regardless with all kinds of fixtures. I'm fixed to undertake anything. Now if you'd prefer the Bunsen Baby Biscuit bunch--why old man Bunsen would come across--
human
I won't do such things!
gpt
Very well, very well. Don't get riled, sir. That's only one way to build on Fifth Avenoo. I've got one hundred thousand other ways--
human
I don't want to talk to you--
gpt
They're honest--some of them. Say, if you want a stric'ly honest deal I've got the goods. Only it ain't as easy and the money ain't as big--
human
I don't want to talk to you--
gpt
Yes you do. You don't reelize it but you do. Why you're fixin' to make the holler of your life, ain't you? What are you goin' to say? Hey? What you aimin' to say to make those guys set up? What's the use of up-stagin'? Ain't you willin' to pay me a few plunks if I _dy_-vulge to you the most startlin' phenomena that has ever electrified civilization sense the era of P.T. Barnum!