human
Say, Jimmy, I want to talk to you.
gpt
Say on. You have our ear.
human
Seriously.
gpt
Continue--always, however, keeping before you the fact that I am a sick man. Last night was a wild night on the moors, dad.
human
It's about your stepmother. She was talking at breakfast about you. She's sore at you for giving Spike Dillon lunch at the Carlton. You oughtn't to have taken him there, Jimmy. That's what got her goat. She was there with a bunch of swells and they had to sit and listen to Spike talking about his half-scissors hook.
gpt
What's their kick against Spike's half-scissors hook? It's a darned good one.
human
She said she was going to speak to you about it. I thought I'd let you know.
gpt
Thanks, dad. But was that all?
human
All.
gpt
All that she was going to speak to me about? Sure there was nothing else?
human
She didn't say anything about anything else.
gpt
Then she _doesn't_ know! Fine!
human
Jimmy! You haven't been raising Cain again?
gpt
No, no, dad. Nothing serious. High-spirited Young Patrician stuff, the sort of thing that's expected of a fellow in my position.
human
Jimmy, you've got to pull up. Honest, you have. I don't care for myself. I like to see a boy having a good time. But your stepmother says you're apt to queer us with the people up top, the way you're going on. Lord knows I wouldn't care if things were different, but I'll tell you exactly how I stand. I didn't get wise till this morning. Your stepmother sprang it on me suddenly. I've often wondered what all this stuff was about, this living in London and trailing the swells. I couldn't think what was your stepmother's idea. Now I know. Jimmy, she's trying to get them to make me a peer!
gpt
What!
human
Just that. And she says--
gpt
But, dad, this is rich! This is comedy of a high order! A peer! Good Heavens, if it comes off, what shall I be? This title business is all so complicated. I know I should have to change my name to Hon. Rollo Cholmondeley or the Hon. Aubrey Marjoribanks, but what I want to know is which? I want to be prepared for the worst.
human
And you see, Jimmy, these people up top, the guys who arrange the giving of titles, are keeping an eye on you, because you would have the title after me and naturally they don't want to get stung. I gathered all that from your stepmother. Say, Jimmy, I'm not asking a lot of you, but there is just one thing you can do for me without putting yourself out too much.
gpt
I'll do it, dad, if it kills me. Slip me the info!
human
Your stepmother's friend Lady Corstorphine's nephew . . .
gpt
It's not the sort of story to ask a man with a headache to follow. I hope it gets simpler as it goes along.
human
Your stepmother wants you to be a good fellow and make friends with this boy. You see, his father is in right with the Premier and has the biggest kind of a pull when it comes to handing out titles.
gpt
Is that all you want? Leave it to me. Inside of a week I'll be playing kiss-in-the-ring with him. The whole force of my sunny personality shall be directed towards making him love me. What's his name?
human
Lord Percy Whipple.
gpt
Dad, pull yourself together! Reflect! You know you don't seriously mean Lord Percy Whipple.
human
Eh?
gpt
Dad, prepare yourself for the big laugh. This is where you throw your head back and roar with honest mirth. I met Lord Percy Whipple last night at the Six Hundred Club. Words ensued. I fell upon Percy and beat his block off! How it started, except that we both wanted the same table, I couldn't say. 'Why, that I cannot tell,' said he, 'but 'twas a famous victory!' If I had known, dad, nothing would have induced me to lay a hand upon Perce, save in the way of kindness, but, not even knowing who he was, it would appear from contemporary accounts of the affair that I just naturally sailed in and expunged the poor, dear boy!