human
What is it? Bears, William? he asked fearfully.
gpt
D-d-don't be f-f-frightened; I'll stand by you.
human
It isn't bears, you simp! I've just unearthed the most colossal conspiracy of the century! Curtis, things are happening in these woods that are incredible, abominable, horrible----
gpt
faltered Langdon, turning paler.
human
Murder?
gpt
Worse! They've got Willett and the others! She admitted it to me----
human
Hey?
gpt
Willett and Carrick and the others! shouted Sayre, gesticulating.
human
They've caught 'em all! She said so! I----
gpt
They? She? Who's caught what? Who's 'they'? What it is? Who's 'she'? What are you talking about, anyway?
human
Amourette told me----
gpt
Amourette? Who the deuce is Amourette?
human
I don't know. Shut up! My head's spinning like a gyroscope. All I know is that I want to marry her and she won't let me--and I believe she would if I had a reliable hair-restorer and wasn't near-sighted--but she ran away and got inside the fence and locked the gate.
gpt
Are you drunk? demanded Langdon,
human
I tell you it's an outrageous social condition which tolerates such doings! shouted Sayre.
gpt
It's a perfectly monstrous state of things! Nine handsome men out of ten are fatheads! I told her so! I tried to point out to her--but she wouldn't listen--she wouldn't listen!
human
Quit that ghost-dancing and talk sense,
gpt
Do you think that men are going to stand for it? yelled Sayre, waving his hands,
human
Come back here, he said.
gpt
I want to picture to you the horrors that are going on in your native land! You ought to know. You've got to know!
human
Certainly, old man, quavered Langdon, keeping a tree between them.
gpt
But don't come any closer or I'll scream.
human
Do you think I'm nutty?
gpt
Oh, not at all--not _at_ all, said Langdon soothingly.
human
Probably the wafers disagreed with you.
gpt
Curtis, wouldn't it rock any man's equilibrium to fall head over heels in love with a girl inside of ten minutes? I merely ask you, man to man.
human
It sure would, dear friend----
gpt
And then to see that divine girl almost ready to love you in return--see it perfectly, plainly? And have her tell you that she could learn to care for you if your hair wasn't so thin and you didn't wear eye-glasses? By Jinks! That was _too_ much! I'll leave it to you--_wasn't_ it?
human
And then, continued Sayre, grinding his teeth,
gpt
Hey?
human
Oh, the whole thing is knocked in the head from a newspaper standpoint. They've all written home. They're married--or on the point of it----
gpt
What!
human
But that isn't what bothers me. What do I care about this job, or any other job, since I've seen the only girl on earth that I could ever stay home nights for! And to think that she ran away from me and I'm never to see her again because I'm near-sighted and partly bald!
gpt
But, by the gods and demons! he cried,
human
I'm not going to stand for her going hunting with that man-net! If she catches any insufferable pup in it I'll go insane!
gpt
Old man, he ventured, kindly,
human
Curt, he said savagely,
gpt
What people? said the other warily.
human
You needn't answer till you get your wits back.
gpt
They're back, Curt; that twelve-foot fence of heavy elephant-proof wire which we noticed in the forest day before yesterday isn't the fencing to a game park. It encloses a thousand acres belonging to the New Race University. Did you know that?
human
What's The New Race University?
gpt
You won't believe it--but, Curtis, it's a reservation for the--the p-p-propagation of a new and s-s-symmetrically p-p-proportioned race of g-g-god-like human beings! It's a deliberate attempt at cold-blooded scientific selection--an insult to every bald-headed, near-sighted, thin-shanked young man in the United States!
human
William, said the other, coaxingly,
gpt
You listen to me. I'm getting calmer now. I want to tell you about these New Race women and their University and Amourette and Reginald Willett and the whole devilish business.
human
Is there--is there really such a thing, William? You would not tell me a bind like that just to make a goat of me, would you?
gpt
No, I wouldn't. There _is_ such a thing.
human
Did you see it?
gpt
No, I----
human
How do you know?
gpt
Amourette told me--shamelessly, defiantly, adorably! It was organised in secret out of the most advanced and determined as well as the most healthy, vigorous, and physically beautiful of all the suffragettes in North America. One of their number happened to own a thousand acres here before the State took the rest for its park. And here they have come, dozens and dozens of them--to attend the first summer session of the New Race University.
human
Is--is there actually a University in these woods?
gpt
There is.
human
Buildings?
gpt
No, burrows. Isn't that the limit? Curt, believe me, they live in caves. It's their idea of being vigorous and simple and primitive. Their cult is the cave woman. They have classes; they study and recite and exercise and cook and play auction bridge. Their object is to hasten not only political enfranchisement, but the era of a physical and intellectual equality which will permit them to mate as they choose and people this republic with perfect progeny. Every girl there is pledged to mate only with the very pick of physical masculine perfection. Their pledge is to build up a new, god-like race on earth, which ultimately will dominate, crush out, survive, and replace all humanity which has become degenerate. Nothing mentally or physically or politically imperfect is permitted inside that wire fence. My eye-glasses bar me out; your shanks exclude you--also your politics, because you're a democrat.
human
That's monstrous!
gpt
More monstrous still, these disciples of the New Race movement are militant! Their audacity is unbelievable! Certain ones among them, adepts in woodcraft, have now begun to range this forest with nets. What do you think of that! And when they encounter a young fellow who agrees with the remorseless standard of perfection set up by the University, they stalk him and net him! They've got four so far. And now it's Amourette's turn to go out!
human
W-w-what are they g-going to do with their captures?
gpt
Marry them!
human
Willett? And Carrick and----
gpt
Yes. Isn't it awful, Curt?
human
Was she the girl with the net in the photo? I mean, was that her hand?
gpt
No; that was a friend of her's who bagged Willett. Amourette started out yesterday for the first time after--well, I suppose you'd call it 'big game.' She saw me, stalked me, got near enough to see my glasses, and let me go. And to-day, thinking that she might have been mistaken and that perhaps I only wore sun-glasses, she came back. But I was ass enough to take off my cap to her, and she saw my hair--saw where it wasn't--and that settled it.
human
What a mortifying thing to happen to you, William.
gpt
I should think so. There's nothing unusual the matter with me. Cæsar was bald. It's idiotic to bar a man out because he has fewer hairs than the next man. And the exasperating part of it is that I believe I could win her if I had half a chance.
human
Of course you could. If she's any good as a sport, she'd rather have you, hairless myopiac that you are, than a tailor's dummy.
gpt
Isn't it a terrible thing, Curtis, to think of that sweet, lovely young girl pledged to a scientific life like that? P-pledged to p-p-propagate p-p-perfection?
human
What a mean-spirited creature that fellow Willett must be, observed Langdon in disgust;
gpt
Why?
human
To tamely submit to being kidnapped and woo'd and wed that way--endure the degradation of a captivity among all those young girls----
gpt
Would _you_ call for help if kidnapped?
human
I wonder,
gpt
I don't believe you'd make the welkin ring with your yelps. It's probably the same with those four men.
human
Probably.
gpt
I don't suppose those suffragettes of the New Race University really require any fence there to keep those men in.
human
No; only to keep the rest of us out.
gpt
The chances are that Willett and that poet Carrick and De Lancy Smith and Alphonso W. Green couldn't be chased out of that University.
human
Those _are_ the chances. How I hate those four men. It's curious, William, that no man can ever tolerate the idea of any other man ever getting solid with any looker. I always did dislike to see another man with a pretty girl. . . . William?
gpt
What?
human
Think of the concentrated beauty in that University! Think of that rich round-up of creamy dreams! Consider that mellifluous marmalade! And--we can't have any--because _you_ are slightly bald and near-sighted and _I_ am thin and scholarly!
gpt
Don't laugh, but _is_ there any known substance which will bring in hair?
human
You mean bring it out?
gpt
Well, dammit, grow it! Is there?
human
There are too many bald monarchs and millionaires to prove the contrary. Nor is there anything that can make my thin shanks fatter.
gpt
said Sayre humbly.
human
I told her so.
gpt
Couldn't you deceive her with a wig? It wouldn't matter afterward. After you're once married let her shriek.
human
Amourette _saw_ my head.
gpt
Come on, said Langdon cheerily.
human
Let's peek through their fence and see what happens. Much has been done with a merry eye in this world of haughty ladies.
gpt
I'd like to knock the collective blocks off those four young men inside that fence. And--to think--to _think_ of Amourette going out again to-morrow, man hunting, with her net! I can't endure it, Curt--I simply can't.
human
I wish I could help you, William--but I don't see--I--don't--exactly--see---- He hesitated.
gpt
Of course I _could_ go to Utica and pay a wig-maker and costumer to make me up into the kind of Charlie-Gussie they're looking for at that University. . . . And when your best girl goes out hunting, she'll see me and net me, and you can be in hiding near by, and rush out and net her.
human
Why not? exclaimed Langdon.
gpt
Shall I try? Trust me to come back a specimen of sickening symmetry--the kind of man women write about and draw pictures of--pink and white and silky-whiskered! Shall I? And I'll bring you a net to catch her in! Is it a go, William?
human
Heaven bless you, friend, he sobbed.
gpt
And if ever I get that girl inside a net she'll learn something about natural selection that they p-p-probably forgot to teach in their accursed New Race University!