human
I know--I know! I ought to feel differently! Sometimes in the night-- oh, the long, long nights, Jim!--the pain is so bad, and it seems as if light would never come, and I lie awake staring into the darkness, and a fear comes over me... I feel all alone in a new world that is strange and terrible, where the things I cared for most don't matter at all, and the things I neglected take up all the room. And I'm frightened, Jim! I'm frightened! I've lost my footing, and it's all blackness and confusion. Is it because I am so wicked that I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts? I was so well and strong before this. I slept so soundly that I never seemed to have time to think.
gpt
Perhaps that's the reason of it, sweetheart. You needed the time, and it has been given to you this way, and when you have found yourself the need will be over, and you will be well again.
human
Found myself! she repeated musingly.
gpt
Is there a real self that I know nothing of hidden away somewhere? That must be the self you care for, Jim. Tell me! I want to know--what is there in me which made you care so much? You acknowledge that I am vain?
human
Y-es!
gpt
And selfish?
human
Yes,
gpt
And a flirt?
human
Yes.
gpt
And very cruel to you sometimes, Jim?
human
You didn't mean it, darling. It was only thoughtlessness.
gpt
No, no! I did mean it! It was dreadful of me, but I liked to experiment and feel my power. You had better know the truth once for all; it will help you to forget all about such a wretched girl.
human
Nothing can make me forget. You could tell me what you like about yourself, it would make no difference; I am past all that. You are the one woman in the world for me. At first it was your beauty which attracted me, but that stage was over long ago. It makes no difference to me now how you look. Nothing makes any difference. If you were never to leave that couch--
gpt
Don't say it! Don't suggest for a moment that it is possible! Oh, Jim, you don't believe it! You don't really think I could be like this all my life? I will be very good, and do all they say, and keep quiet and not excite myself. I will do anything--anything--but I must get better in the end! I could not bear a life like this!
human
The doctors all tell us you will recover in time, darling, but it's a terribly hard waiting. I wish I could bear the pain for you; but you will let me do what I can, won't you, Vere? I am a dull stick. No one knows it better than I do myself, but make use of me just now; let me fetch and carry for you; let me run down every few weeks to see you, and give you the news. It will bind you to nothing in the future. Whatever happens, I should be grateful to you all my life for giving me so much happiness.
gpt
Dear old Jim! You are too good for me. How could I possibly say `No' to such a request?