human
Your word! exclaimed the tenant,
gpt
This is really necessary, said the poet in apology;
human
O she's fine, I hae ta'en her to Banchory ; and on it being innocently remarked that the change of air would do her good, he looked up and with a half-smile said,
gpt
Hoot, she's i' the kirkyard.
human
Terms--'Cash Down'
gpt
Look at my face, sir, and say if you think I am likely to cheat you? The man looked as he was desired, but answered, with a shake of his head,
human
I'll thank you for the twapence, sir.
gpt
What, sirrah, cries his lordship,
human
gpt
I dinna care, replied the man,
human
Nothing,
gpt
Nothing at all, please your riverence, was the reply of one of them.
human
Nothing? said the priest;
gpt
Shut your eyes, your riverence, retorted the girl,
human
What is inheritance?
gpt
Patrimony.
human
What is patrimony?
gpt
Something left by a father.
human
What would you call it if left by a mother?
gpt
Matrimony.
human
When do your girls marry?
gpt
But what will you leave to me, Mr. K.----? said a lady, who felt impatient to know what was to be her lot.
human
I leave you _out_,
gpt
Noo, sir, ye may braik when ye like.
human
Mr. J---- sees no obscurity here, except such as arises from the quantity of commas, which Mr. W----n seems to keep in a pepper-box beside him, for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with.
gpt
Friend, said he,
human
I am surprised to find you display such a pointed aversion to me; I would wish to be upon good terms with you here, as, upon your own system, it seems very probable we shall be doomed to the same place hereafter. You think I shall be dammed for want of faith, and I fear you will have the same fate for want of charity.
gpt
human
And in the name of wonder, answered the sculptor,
gpt
Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither. (Job 1: v. 21.)
human
In discoursing from these words, said the preacher,
gpt
I shall observe the three following things: (1) Man's ingress into the world; (2) His progress through the world; and (3) His egress out of the world. First, man's ingress into the world is naked and bare; secondly, his progress through the world is trouble and care; thirdly, his egress out of the world is nobody knows where. To conclude: If we do well here, we shall do well there. And I could tell you no more were I to preach a whole year.
human
Who was the first Presbyterian? The answer is
gpt
Jonah.
human
How do ye make Jonah out to be the first Presbyterian? is again asked.
gpt
Why, answers the other,
human
Thirdly
gpt
Thirdly, he cried looking around him with great anxiety. After a little pause,
human
Thirdly, again he exclaimed; but still no thirdly appeared.
gpt
Thirdly, I say, my brethren, pursued the bewildered clergyman; but not another word could he utter. At this point, while the congregation were partly sympathizing, and partly rejoicing at this decisive instance of the impropriety of using notes in preaching--which has always been an unpopular thing in Scotland, an old woman rose up and thus addressed the preacher:
human
If I'm no' mista'en, sir, I saw thirdly flee out at the east window, a quarter of an hour syne.
gpt
How can you speak this way, Forrat, since you are just as guilty as ony o' us?
human
That am I no', said Forrat, with a triumphant air of innocence and waggery;
gpt
Only the breadth of the table.
human
Short Commons
gpt
Oh, never mind, sir, said the boy;
human
Gudewife, said the farmer,
gpt
Jock says he has ower little milk.
human
There's milk enough for a' my bread,
gpt
Why, Mr. S----, these boots you last made for me are much too big; I really can't understand how you always make that mistake. Can you not make small boots?
human
Ou, ay, quickly responded the man;
gpt
I can mak' sma' buits, but I'm sorry I canna mak' sma' feet.
human
And they all fell upon Paul's neck and kissed him. Another time, when he was called on to preach before a military company in green uniforms, he preached from the words,
gpt
And I beheld men like trees walking. Paul was always ready to have a gibe at the damsels. Near Portobello, there is a sea-bathing place named Joppa, and Paul's congregation was once thinned by the number of his female votaries who went thither. On the Sabbath after their wending he preached from the text,
human
Send men to Joppa. In a similar manner he improved the occasion of the mysterious disappearance of one of his parishioners, Moses Marshall, by selecting for his text the passage from Exodus xxii,
gpt
As for this Moses, we wot not what is become of him. He once made serious proposals to a young lady whose Christian name was Lydia. On this occasion the clerical wit took for his text:
human
And a certain woman, named Lydia, heard us; whose heart the Lord opened, that she attended unto the things which were spoken of Paul.
gpt
Sen' for that preaching man frae Livingstone, for fayther aye sleeps in the kirk. One of the doctors thought the hint worth attending to, and the experiment of
human
I know not, was the reply,
gpt
Is that the same horse you had last year?
human
Na, said the man, brandishing his whip in the interrogator's face in so emphatic a manner as to preclude further questioning;
gpt
Ay, mony a ane has complained o' _that_ hole.
human
Tarmes
gpt
He had been employing for some time, as workman, a stranger from the south, on some house repairs. The workman rejoiced in the not uncommon name in England of
human
Christmas. The laird's servant, early one morning, called out at his bedroom door, in great excitement, that
gpt
Christmas had run away, and nobody knew where he had gone. He turned in his bed with the earnest ejaculation,
human
I only wish he had taken Whitsunday and Martinmas along with him.
gpt
Self-Interpreting Bible, was a man of singular bashfulness. In proof of the truth of this statement I need only state that his courtship lasted seven years. Six years and a half had passed away, and the reverend gentleman had got no further than he had been the first six days. This state of things became intolerable, a step in advance must be made, and Mr. Brown summoned all his courage for the deed.
human
Janet, said he one day, as they sat in solemn silence,
gpt
human
Just as you like, John; only be becoming and proper wi' it.
gpt
Surely, Janet; we'll ask a blessing. The blessing was asked, the kiss was taken, and the worthy divine, perfectly overpowered with the blissful sensation, most rapturously exclaimed,
human
Heigh! lass, but it is _gude_. We'll return thanks. Six months after, the pious pair were made one flesh, and, added his descendant, who humorously told the tale,