human
Hetta, he said,
gpt
She gave him her arm.
human
I was a little annoyed last night by that priest. I want to be civil to him, and now he is always turning against me.
gpt
He doesn't do any harm, I suppose?
human
He does do harm if he teaches you and me to think lightly of those things which we have been brought up to revere. So, thought Henrietta, it isn't about love this time; it's only about the Church.
gpt
He ought not to say things before my guests as to our way of believing, which I wouldn't under any circumstances say as to his. I didn't quite like your hearing it.
human
I don't think he'll do me any harm. I'm not at all that way given. I suppose they all do it. It's their business.
gpt
Poor fellow! I brought him here just because I thought it was a pity that a man born and bred like a gentleman should never see the inside of a comfortable house.
human
I liked him;--only I didn't like his saying stupid things about the bishop.
gpt
And I like him. Then there was a pause.
human
I suppose your brother does not talk to you much about his own affairs.
gpt
His own affairs, Roger? Do you mean money? He never says a word to me about money.
human
I meant about the Melmottes.
gpt
No; not to me. Felix hardly ever speaks to me about anything.
human
I wonder whether she has accepted him.
gpt
I think she very nearly did accept him in London.
human
I can't quite sympathise with your mother in all her feelings about this marriage, because I do not think that I recognise as she does the necessity of money.
gpt
Felix is so disposed to be extravagant.
human
Well; yes. But I was going to say that though I cannot bring myself to say anything to encourage her about this heiress, I quite recognise her unselfish devotion to his interests.
gpt
Mamma thinks more of him than of anything,
human
I know it; and though I happen to think myself that her other child would better repay her devotion, --this he said, looking up to Hetta and smiling,--
gpt
I quite feel how good a mother she is to Felix. You know, when she first came the other day we almost had a quarrel.
human
I felt that there was something unpleasant.
gpt
And then Felix coming after his time put me out. I am getting old and cross, or I should not mind such things.
human
I think you are so good,--and so kind.
gpt
I have been angry with myself, he said,
human
I do understand you; but don't think there is any fault to confess.
gpt
You will not exact any penance? She only looked at him and smiled.
human
I am going to put a penance on myself all the same. I can't congratulate your brother on his wooing over at Caversham, as I know nothing about it, but I will express some civil wish to him about things in general.
gpt
Will that be a penance?
human
If you could look into my mind you'd find that it would. I'm full of fretful anger against him for half-a-dozen little frivolous things. Didn't he throw his cigar on the path? Didn't he lie in bed on Sunday instead of going to church?
gpt
But then he was travelling all the Saturday night.
human
Whose fault was that? But don't you see it is the triviality of the offence which makes the penance necessary. Had he knocked me over the head with a pickaxe, or burned the house down, I should have had a right to be angry. But I was angry because he wanted a horse on Sunday;--and therefore I must do penance.
gpt
And now, said he, altering his tone altogether,
human
I must speak about myself. Immediately the weight of her hand upon his arm was lessened. Thereupon he put his left hand round and pressed her arm to his.
gpt
No, he said;
human
Always friends!
gpt
Yes;--always friends. And now listen to me for I have much to say. I will not tell you again that I love you. You know it, or else you must think me the vainest and falsest of men. It is not only that I love you, but I am so accustomed to concern myself with one thing only, so constrained by the habits and nature of my life to confine myself to single interests, that I cannot as it were escape from my love. I am thinking of it always, often despising myself because I think of it so much. For, after all, let a woman be ever so good,--and you to me are all that is good,--a man should not allow his love to dominate his intellect.
human
Oh, no!
gpt
I do. I calculate my chances within my own bosom almost as a man might calculate his chances of heaven. I should like you to know me just as I am, the weak and the strong together. I would not win you by a lie if I could. I think of you more than I ought to do. I am sure,--quite sure that you are the only possible mistress of this house during my tenure of it. If I am ever to live as other men do, and to care about the things which other men care for, it must be as your husband.
human
Pray,--pray do not say that.
gpt
Yes; I think that I have a right to say it,--and a right to expect that you should believe me. I will not ask you to be my wife if you do not love me. Not that I should fear aught for myself, but that you should not be pressed to make a sacrifice of yourself because I am your friend and cousin. But I think it is quite possible you might come to love me,--unless your heart be absolutely given away elsewhere.
human
What am I to say?
gpt
We each of us know of what the other is thinking. If Paul Montague has robbed me of my love--?
human
Mr. Montague has never said a word.
gpt
If he had, I think he would have wronged me. He met you in my house, and I think must have known what my feelings were towards you.
human
But he never has.
gpt
We have been like brothers together,--one brother being very much older than the other, indeed; or like father and son. I think he should place his hopes elsewhere.
human
What am I to say? If he have such hope he has not told me. I think it almost cruel that a girl should be asked in that way.
gpt
Hetta, I should not wish to be cruel to you. Of course I know the way of the world in such matters. I have no right to ask you about Paul Montague,--no right to expect an answer. But it is all the world to me. You can understand that I should think you might learn to love even me, if you loved no one else. The tone of his voice was manly, and at the same time full of entreaty. His eyes as he looked at her were bright with love and anxiety. She not only believed him as to the tale which he now told her; but she believed in him altogether. She knew that he was a staff on which a woman might safely lean, trusting to it for comfort and protection in life. In that moment she all but yielded to him. Had he seized her in his arms and kissed her then, I think she would have yielded. She did all but love him. She so regarded him that had it been some other woman that he craved, she would have used every art she knew to have backed his suit, and would have been ready to swear that any woman was a fool who refused him. She almost hated herself because she was unkind to one who so thoroughly deserved kindness. As it was she made him no answer, but continued to walk beside him trembling.
human
I thought I would tell it you all, because I wish you to know exactly the state of my mind. I would show you if I could all my heart and all my thoughts about yourself as in a glass case. Do not coy your love for me if you can feel it. When you know, dear, that a man's heart is set upon a woman as mine is set on you, so that it is for you to make his life bright or dark, for you to open or to shut the gates of his earthly Paradise, I think you will be above keeping him in darkness for the sake of a girlish scruple.
gpt
Oh, Roger!
human
If ever there should come a time in which you can say it truly, remember my truth to you and say it boldly. I at least shall never change. Of course if you love another man and give yourself to him, it will be all over. Tell me that boldly also. I have said it all now. God bless you, my own heart's darling. I hope,--I hope I may be strong enough through it all to think more of your happiness than of my own.