human
Halloo, Dodichet! he cried.
gpt
To what chance do I owe the pleasure of seeing you at my quarters? I assure you that I wasn't expecting you!
human
I am sure of that. But I am very fond of going where I am not expected. Is this where you live?
gpt
Yes, my friend.
human
And there's only this one room; is this all?
gpt
Absolutely all. It's quite enough for a single man.
human
Quite enough! You're not hard to suit. Where am I to sit down, pray?
gpt
Where you please.
human
Where I please? But I don't see any chair.
gpt
Why, yes, I have two. Wait a moment; the other one is covered with my clothes; I used it as a commode; I'll clear it for you.
human
Now, sit down and tell me what brings you here. I must go on working, because I am in a hurry.
gpt
Oh! don't mind me! It's infernally cramped here, all the same! What the devil are you doing there?
human
As you see, I am putting these pins in boxes. I have to arrange them carefully and see that there's the same number in every box.
gpt
How does this business of yours come on?
human
Not so badly; it rather looks as if it were going to take. I tell you, my fortune would be made, if I had been able to discover, as Rozière of Romainville did, all that can be done with Panama!
gpt
With Panama! why, they make straw hats with it, I thought.
human
But Rozière made soap with it that cleanses perfectly, and many other things too.
gpt
First of all, before I tell you what brings me here, just lend me your _bouffarde_, will you; I want to have a puff.
human
My _bouffarde_?
gpt
Yes; or your pipe, if you like that better.
human
But I haven't any pipe.
gpt
No pipe? you surprise me! It's less expensive than cigars. Well, then, give me a cigar--as dry a one as you can.
human
I haven't any cigars either.
gpt
The devil! I seem to have caught you at low tide. In that case, pass me your tobacco pouch and I'll make a cigarette.
human
I am distressed, my dear Dodichet, to be obliged to refuse you again; but I haven't a particle of tobacco here.
gpt
No tobacco! you haven't any tobacco! That is a good one! Do you smoke straw, then? For, of course, you must smoke something?
human
Why so? as a matter of fact, I don't smoke at all. I have neither the time nor the inclination; and, frankly, I don't see the necessity.
gpt
You don't smoke--at your age! You poor devil! you must be horribly bored!
human
That's where you are mistaken; I am never bored, for I am always at work. Why do so many men smoke? Because they have nothing to do, and don't know how to employ their time, which seems to them murderously long; so they smoke and imagine that they're doing something, that they are busy. That is a wretched occupation which serves only to encourage indolence!
gpt
I say, Lucien, do you know that you tire me with your moral reflections about smokers?
human
Well, my dear friend, you shouldn't call me a poor devil because I don't smoke; I just answered you, that's all; I will add that I should apply the same term to those young men who smoke all the time, who always have a pipe or cigar in their mouths. In the first place, they smell detestable; secondly, they ruin their lungs; and, lastly, they spend a great deal of money; it doesn't seem much, because it's only a little at a time; but the smallest sum, when you keep putting it out every minute or two, amounts to a good round sum at the end of a year. To workingmen especially, this habit of smoking is disastrous, and it has impoverished more than one family.
gpt
Do you expect with your sermons to cure smokers of smoking? If you do, you're devilishly mistaken!
human
Oh! I have no idea of curing anybody. I simply tell you my opinion--opinions are free.
gpt
But you see, Lucien, when you have once acquired the habit of smoking, that's the end of it; you can't give it up.
human
I beg your pardon, my dear friend, but a man can break himself of any habit; all you need is a firm will; if you could make me believe otherwise, it would amount to convincing me that all men are maniacs, machines, automata which are obliged to do the same things over and over again; and that would make me grieve for mankind! I haven't mentioned all the fires and accidents caused by the carelessness of smokers. Why, Mademoiselle Juliette Mirotaine has a friend who had her dress all burned on the boulevard by a match which someone had thrown on the sidewalk without taking the trouble to step on it.
gpt
I always step on mine!--But let's drop the subject. You're sure that you haven't so much as a pinch of tobacco in your pouch?
human
I haven't a pouch even. What the devil should I do with one?
gpt
He has no pouch! you hear him, great God, and you don't blast him!--Well, when I leave you, I am going to see some ladies--ladies, do you hear?--and I am very sure that they'll have some tobacco for me.
human
That is possible, as there are some ladies who smoke nowadays.
gpt
Yes, my dear friend. Oh! you needn't shrug your shoulders! The fair sex is for tobacco.
human
There are ladies and ladies!
gpt
Well, let's drop it.--I will be brief: my dear friend, I have just done you a very great service.
human
You have! how so?
gpt
I have just come from Monsieur Mirotaine's, where I dined.
human
Mon Dieu! you make me shudder!
gpt
Nay, rather rejoice! I had seen the wardrobe dealer, and told her that I had a very rich count who wanted to marry and who would not ask for any dowry.
human
I asked you not to play any wretched practical joke.
gpt
True; but I didn't listen to you, and it's well I didn't; for everything went off as if it was on wheels.
human
Whom did you present as the man who wanted a wife?
gpt
Someone who can't refuse me anything, who plays whatever part I assign to him, because I know a certain secret. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Miflorès-Seringat! or Seringat-Miflorès!--There's a pigeon whom Providence placed in my hand most opportunely!
human
Go on! what happened at Monsieur Mirotaine's?
gpt
We had a fairly good dinner, except for the vin ordinaire, which was only too plentiful, the champagne, which tasted like Rogé's purgative lemonade, and the _crême à la vanille_, which was sweetened with camphor. My false count didn't say a word, but confined himself to eating; as I had said, however, that he wanted a chance to study the young lady before he proposed, everything went well; but, after dinner, while we were in the salon, picking up radishes and pickles which Mirotaine had in reserve in his pocket, lo and behold! Dubotté arrived with his wife--a pretty little blonde, on my word!--Would you believe that Dubotté recognized my pseudo-count, and said to him: 'How are you, Seringat? how's your good wife?'--You can imagine the sensation!--Papa Mirotaine was furious, the wardrobe woman confused, the guests stared at one another in amazement,--and my soi-disant marrying man took his legs in his hand, after consigning to the devil the man who had asked him about his wife. In the midst of all that confusion, I had great difficulty in keeping from roaring with laughter.--Monsieur Mirotaine questioned me; he undertook to be wrathful, but I mounted a higher horse than he; I declared that Miflorès had fooled and deceived me, and that I was going to demand satisfaction from him. I came away, and here I am!--Well, what do you say to that?
human
I say that you did wrong to play this farce, and I am afraid that it will do me more harm than good.
gpt
Why, no, it won't; the old miser, disgusted with the idea of prospective husbands he doesn't know, will refuse to receive any more of them, and will consent to give you his daughter.
human
I have no hope that things will turn out so.
gpt
You're an ungrateful wretch!--Try to oblige your friends, and this is the reward you get! And he can't even give me a bit of tobacco!
human
You intended to be useful to me, my dear Dodichet, and I thank you for it; but, I say again, I am not at all at ease as to the results of your ill-timed jest.
gpt
If you smoked, you wouldn't be so timid! Adieu, virtuous man, prudent man, indefatigable worker! Adieu, O most extraordinary man--who doesn't smoke! You are not of your epoch!
human
That may be! but I am perfectly sure that a time will come when Frenchmen will have become courteous and refined once more, and will be unable to understand how their ancestors could have smoked so much!
gpt
Adieu! I fly now in quest of my treasurer; I must see him, for the waters are low, and I want to buy a gorgeous costume for my début in the rôle of Joconde.
human
At the Opéra-Comique?
gpt
No; at Quimper-Corentin.
human
As a matter of prudence, he thought,
gpt
I shall do well to wait a few days before appearing at Monsieur Mirotaine's; he must be very angry at having been made a dupe; I will give his anger time to subside; I will wait until he has partly forgotten to-day's occurrences, so that he cannot guess that I know anything about them.