human
What's this, Reuben?
gpt
It was something to do, sir. I couldn't bring my mind properly to the study, some-way. Besides, if this mud stays here too long it'll spoil the leather.
human
Ay, but--thou, scrubbing _my_ shoes? It's kind, Reuben, but I don't find it fitting.
gpt
Sir, _I_ do.
human
Eh? Reuben could not answer, nor look up when after a silence the doctor drew a chair to the hearth and sat there spreading his hands to the warmth. Yet he was not disturbed, nor worried--if Mr. Welland was annoyed, that would pass. It occurred to Reuben as his fingers (remembering Deerfield) worked the oil into the leather, that he had in fact never felt less troubled about his own behavior and how it might appear to another. It was simple, satisfying and natural that you should scrub mud from the shoes of someone you loved, taking it for granted that if the occasion ever happened to suggest it he would do the same for you.
gpt
Each time you have come here, said Mr. Welland at last,
human
You remarked that living is a journey.
gpt
Oh, said Welland, and sighed,
human
I fear that was little better than a simile after all, for what is the thing that travels and cannot itself remain wholly constant? All is change; all things flow; and what's more, I'd no idea those dem'd shoes had so much virtue left in 'em. Reuben could look up then and smile.
gpt
Well, Reuben, being in Boston yesterday, I called at thy great-uncle's office and spoke to him concerning thine apprenticeship. He is not averse to it, not at all, but would have thee continue for Harvard, and perhaps not be formally bound immediate, but later, if it is still thy wish in a year or so.... Pleased, my dear?
human
I--am. I would--I would....
gpt
What, Reuben?
human
I would study, and--serve, if I may, whether formally bound or not. I think that is what I was trying to say. It won't fade, Mr. Welland. I was never so certain of any other thing.... I ought to have spoken of it to Uncle John, but rather feared to because he hath had so much to distress him lately, the death of Mr. Dyckman, the loss of the _Iris_.
gpt
The _Iris_? I heard about Mr. Dyckman of course, everyone has.
human
A ship, that should have brought him a great return, taken by pirates off Virginia. Ben is worried about his affairs, knowing more of them than I do. That's one reason why he hath so set his heart on sailing and earning his own way.
gpt
So?
human
Yes. Mr. Welland, you and Uncle John--you are both very kind. I will not disappoint you. I can work.
gpt
Not exactly kindness. On my part at least, let us call it--mm-yas--recognition, and no more of it for the present, because--well, because the subject is complex and I must presently be off again, almost to Dorchester, damn the luck. There was a message for me at the ordinary. I've only time to snatch a bit of rest for me and Meg, and a quick meal, and a--I think, a change of shoes.... He never spoke of the _Iris_--well, he and I are not well acquainted. Certainly he hath a marvel in that ketch _Artemis_. He was good enough to take me aboard for a few minutes. I'm no sailor, but even I can see she's no common sort.
human
Was Shawn there? A black-haired Irishman with a green coat?
gpt
Why, no, I noticed no such man, but there were many about.
human
You would have noticed and remembered him.
gpt
Mm? Mr. Kenny introduced me to two or three there at the wharf--Captain Jenks, and the mate, who was here, there and everywhere with scant time for landsmen.
human
The mate? What was his name?
gpt
Why, Hanson, I think--don't you know him? We exchanged some little talk about New Haven, where he comes from, seeing I lived a year there once. Everyone was in a whirl of last-minute business. I felt in the way. Never knew there were so many different ropes to trip over.
human
Last-minute business?
gpt
Why, yes. The doctor glanced down, puzzled.
human
What's the matter, Reuben? What did I say to disturb thee?
gpt
Did Uncle John say when _Artemis_ was to sail?
human
Why, today. You didn't know?
gpt
No, I--pray tell me about it.
human
Well--he said she ought to have sailed that day, yesterday, but they were waiting on some cargo from Gloucester, salt fish I believe, that hadn't come, and Captain Jenks all of a growl about it. They left it that they would wait till today, and if it still had not come she'd sail and--let me think--put in at Sherburne on Nantucket, and find what the islanders might offer to fill her hold. To my ignorant eye she already looked low in the water, but Captain Jenks was swearing she'd ride sweeter for another twenty ton, and a dirty shame--not his exact words--she should sail light.
gpt
And then New York, from Sherburne?
human
Why, no, Reuben--Barbados, thy great-uncle said.
gpt
Ah!... Thunder!--she may be gone before he's at the office. Ben hoped to sail, Mr. Welland. His heart was set on it. He was all one ache for it. He left for Boston only an hour ago, with no notion that _Artemis_ was to sail today, only hoping to persuade Uncle John to let him sign on. I felt, sir, as if I was saying good-bye. He felt it too.
human
I'm confused. Isn't he for Harvard in the autumn, with thee?
gpt
Yes, but he hoped to make a quick voyage to New York and return. It was his idea she should go there, and damn it, the proposal was most sensible. Uncle John might at least have considered it. Now he'll be heartbroken. Maybe I _was_ saying good-bye to him, and not in the way I thought. He won't be the same when he comes home, not after this.
human
Surely, Reuben, you're making too much of it.
gpt
I know him, Mr. Welland. Certainly Uncle John meant it for the best, but it won't do. You can cross Ben, disappoint him, be harsh with him, but damnation, you can't deceive him, never mind if it may be for his own good--he won't bear it.
human
Mm-yas, I begin to see.... Reuben, why do you speak as if he were somehow your charge? He's the older. He must find his own way.
gpt
That's true, sir. I even tried to tell him so this afternoon. To tell him that I had been--oh, too much my brother's keeper, and was sorry for it. I think he understood.
human
Then let it be. If he's hurt and angry about this, it will pass. You've only to stand by and be a friend to him until it does. Don't make it more important than it is. I'm sure that after the first day or so, Ben will not.
gpt
I hope so. Reuben hugged his knees, watching the fire.
human
I hope so, and I'll do as you say. And still I feel as if I had said good-bye to him.
gpt
I suggest that much of living consists of saying good-bye. I suggest that a man says good-bye to his wife when they fall asleep in the same bed, the morrow's morn being a new region in the journey that can't be known till they meet there together. If they do. At certain times we are more aware of saying good-bye, that's all. As presently I must h'ist my creaky bones out of this comfort, change to those good shoes, and say good-bye to thee for a while. By the way, if study should come hard this evening, let it go. Thou dost look, as a matter of fact, very tired.
human
Nay, I--maybe I am.... Dorchester, you said? Might I not go with you? You said a while ago that soon I could go with you on your rounds.
gpt
Not this one! As often in bothered moments, Mr. Welland took snuff.
human
The message at the ordinary was--fi-_choo_-shoo!--garbled as usual, but having dissected out the fleck or two of not-so-golden truth from the rubbish, I have some reason to fear smallpox. That's in confidence, Doctor. He poked Reuben's shoulder, smiling a little but also stern.
gpt
Not a word to anyone. If it's true we'll all know it shortly, but if not there's no reason to set people's hearts a-squirming. Lord God, it comes, and comes again, and again, and we live like sheep on the side of Vesuvius, never knowing. Reuben, I sometimes think--and you'll have bad moments of thinking it too--that all we doctors do is no whit better than what the Inj'ans do, howling and screaming and beating drums around a sick man's hut to scare away the demons. Do you know that in all history no epidemic hath ever been overcome, nor even much lightened? It strikes, runs its course, and we stand helpless, making motions in the air. And yet one would think that if contagion could somehow be prevented--but where doth it breed? We don't know. What _is_ contagion? We don't know. Why should a thing like the black plague have struck at England as it did some thirty years ago, and then after blazing and slaying for a time, simply fade away, for no reason men can see? Don't know, don't know. Sir Thomas Sydenham, a great venerator of Hippocrates by the way, was much concerned with epidemiology; I remain skeptical as to his conclusions. Galen, the great Galen to whom they say we must all bow down--Galen evades; I would have thee most cautious, Reuben, with regard to all the doctrines of Galen. If at Harvard they give you Galen as a final authority, be polite, but read in private the works of Sydenham--and even Paracelsus for that matter.... I'll tell thee an almost comical thing: I have lived fifty-three years, have read much and pondered, have spoke with a goodly number of learned and thoughtful men, and I have never, never satisfied myself as to a proper definition of good health.
human
May it be, that state wherein flesh and spirit (the two indivisible, I think) are free to act as fully as the condition of a social being will allow?
gpt
Reuben.... The doctor was leaning forward in his chair, frowning intently, hands clasped before him.
human
Reuben, you did not give me that on the spur of the moment.
gpt
Why, no, sir. I was fretting at that question the other night--only I came to it from the other side, wondering, what is disease? I wished a broader definition than any I found in the books, and so searched a little, but I don't know that it satisfies me altogether.
human
I think--mm-yas--I think I will accept it until such time as you give me a better.... It takes no account of theology of course. But then, I cannot entertain the thought of a punishing God. Nor even a personal God perhaps. If personal, then in some way well beyond man's imagination. It often amazes me, that others can find such great comfort in the notion of a punishing God. Yet they do.
gpt
It saves them from thought.
human
Eh? How's that?
gpt
I think it saves them, sir, from the pains and trials of thought.
human
Keep thy sharpness, Reuben. Thou hast already a summer heart and will not lose it. Keep that thorn in the tongue. Hide it almost always, but use it at need, never mind if others wince or even hate thee for it. Sir William Harvey was an angry man, too much perhaps, yet without the thorn in his tongue I dare say no one would ever have heeded him. I have none myself. Mr. Welland bent down, short of breath, to fumble at his shoes.
gpt
In anger I am--mm-yas--most ineffectual, a poor thing. I flush and mumble, lose all command of my thoughts. Anger requires a coolness I do not possess. He groped for the shoes Reuben had cleaned, and slipped his feet into them, and sighed.
human
Ah, that's better--my most comfortable pair. Thou art both cool and warm. Mr. Welland's fingers fussed awkwardly at the shoelaces; Reuben would have helped him, but had been unreasonably shaken by the words and did not trust his face.
gpt
I suppose that is one reason why I love thee.
human
Mr. Welland, if I'm to be a doctor, some time I shall be obliged to attend smallpox cases, whether or not I have the disease and the immunity it brings.
gpt
But not now! said Mr. Welland sharply.
human
Well--they say it's worse for the young--and mine own observation--thou art still growing. I will not see--I will not allow--no, not now! he said, and having laced the shoes after a fashion, he rose and went to the door.
gpt
I must go.
human
Sir, may I detain you for one question more?
gpt
Of course.
human
Mr. Welland, I am fifteen. I have a man's body--came to the change two years ago, nor am I ignorant of its meaning. Why have I never desired women?
gpt
Never ask that of anyone else. I am glad, I suppose, that you asked me. Never ask it of anyone else.
human
I never could, said Reuben to the fire.
gpt
It would never occur to me.
human
Especially not of a priest.
gpt
I have no need for any sort of priest,
human
I know. I say that because a priest is commonly the most earnest in nourishing and supporting men's hate for whatever is unlike themselves. I have never understood why it should be so--Jesus, if I rightly remember, did not assert that there was only one path of virtue. Well--the desire of women may come to thee at a later time.
gpt
It came to Ben before he was fourteen.
human
And in France, I believe, they still burn at the stake the ones who--never mind--my wits are wandering. Thou may'st have wondered too, why I live so like a monk? Why I have never married?
gpt
Mr. Welland, I don't think I've ever wondered much, about your life, because--oh, because you're as you are, because I don't seem to have any wish that you should be in any way different.
human
What art thou saying now?
gpt
Is that strange? Reuben was able then to rise and go to him, seeing his crinkled hands hanging motionless, his face that most would have found supremely ugly, lowered, eyes downcast, hidden.
human
Is it strange?
gpt
To me, yes. Since no one ever said the like to me. Reuben, thou art still growing--many more changes--let them come to pass--heavens, what else can anyone do? But remember: whatever thou art, that is good. I have no fantastic heart's image of thee, Reuben. I love thy self, whatever it is and will become. Now let me only kiss thy forehead, once, and I must go.