human
There is but one thing, said the professor of medicine, gravely,
gpt
And that is, sir?
human
It is always fatal.
gpt
Did you hear about Miss Jones?
human
No. What's up?
gpt
Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel.
human
Oh, that was only a roomer!
gpt
When was money first invented?
human
I don't know. When was it?
gpt
When the dove brought the greenback to Noah.
human
What a distinguished looking man.
gpt
Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench.
human
What, a judge?
gpt
No; a substitute ball-player.
human
Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?
gpt
Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised.
human
I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved.
gpt
I court the cook.
human
Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?
gpt
Because it is never felt.
human
Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday.
gpt
You don't say so? Boy or girl?
human
Neither. It's my wife's mother.
gpt
Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?
human
Coming, sir--half a minute.
gpt
Confound you! How slow you are.
human
Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind.
gpt
You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?
human
No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes.
gpt
How many men is down in that hole?
human
Three, sorr.
gpt
Then lave half of yez cum up.
human
Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work.
gpt
Where was you shot?
human
In the spinal column, mum.
gpt
Go 'way! There was no such battle.
human
I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?
gpt
Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth.
human
Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?
gpt
Give it up.
human
Because that's the only place Toronto.
gpt
Were you attached to the place?
human
I don't know what you'd call it, she rejoined.
gpt
The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard.
human
If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?