human
Can a bailiff, or whatever you call him, force his way into a house?
gpt
Well now, that’s queer, danged if it bain’t, said the constable.
human
I’ve been axed that very same question a’ready this morning. It do seem there’s debts and executions in the wind, and folks come to me, as stands for law and justice, to know their true rights.
gpt
They couldn’t come to a better man, I’m sure, said Eves.
human
Was it old Noakes who asked you?
gpt
Now, sir, if you axe me to tell state secrets, I couldn’t do it—no, not for a judge or royal highness. I name no names; but I’ll tell ’ee what I said to them as axed me, that being law for rich and poor. ’Force yer way in,’ says I, ’and you would be imprisoned without the auction o’ fine, ’cos the judge med bring it in housebreaking, or burglary if by night. But there be other roads to market,’ says I. ’If so be you comes up quiet and finds some out-o’-the-way door as bain’t the high road, so to speak it, into the house, and gets yer foot inside—well, there ’tis; if those inside tries to get yer foot out ’tis assault and battery, and the fine forty shilling.’ That’s what I said, and I make no boast, but I defy any man to give ’ee better law nor that, I don’t care who the man is.
human
By Jove! you’re Solomon and Daniel rolled up together, said Eves.
gpt
You’re a treasure, constable. By the way, don’t say I asked about it. I’m rather hard up myself, but Mr. Templeton——
human
Not a word, sir, not a word. Maybe I’ll meet yer friend up along one o’ these days; he’s a gentleman and will behave as such.
gpt
Haylock’s a priceless old ass, Bob, he said.
human
Noakes has been at him, and he’s given him a tip.
gpt
Who’s given who? Your pronouns are mixed up,
human
Well, you don’t suppose Noakes would tip Haylock; that’s for you to do. What I meant was that Haylock has given Noakes a tip how to get into the house without breaking the law, and you may bet your boots we shall have Smail up again to-night. You know that narrow lane leading up to Trenchard’s coal-shed? It’s hardly ever used. Any one might come up there at night, and get in by the window of the shed. There’s a door between the shed and the scullery, never locked, and Smail can easily get into the house that way.
gpt
You don’t mean to say that Haylock put ’em up to that?
human
Of course not; but he told Noakes that if he can manage to get into the house secretly when the inmates are off their guard they can’t legally turn him out. Whether he’s right or wrong I don’t know, but you may be sure it was enough for Noakes.
gpt
Haylock ought to have warned Mrs. Trenchard.
human
But Noakes wasn’t such a fool as to say what house he wanted to get into. He asked a general question, just as I did. Well, on the way up I had a ripping idea. Your tar entanglement—just the very thing.
gpt
What do you mean?
human
Why, if it’s good enough to stump the Huns in Flanders it’s good enough to spoil old Noakes’s game. Noakes is sure to think of the lane. We’ll cover the ground with a layer of good runny tar some inches deep and a few feet square, and stretch a few wires across, and Messrs. Noakes and Smail will find themselves properly held up. I know the very place—just where the lane runs under the wall of the barn on one side and a prickly hedge on the other. They couldn’t go round. Imagine old Noakes stuck fast in the tar, like a fly in treacle.
gpt
Where’s the tar to come from?
human
There’s a barrel in the outhouse; Trenchard uses it, no doubt, for tarring his fences. We could melt that down, and it would keep sticky a long time this hot weather.
gpt
But I don’t see why we need take all that trouble. All we’ve got to do is to lock the door between the scullery and the coal-shed.
human
Hang it all, where’s your enterprise? Don’t you see, you owl, we’d kill two birds with one stone? We’d teach old Noakes a lesson and test your idea at the same time. Imagine Noakes is a prowling Hun, coming at dead of night to surprise our unsuspecting Tommies, stealing along, all quiet—and slap he goes into the tar. Come, man, it’s splendid.