human
Now let's go up into my room, and we will chat while I wash my hands.
gpt
Now this is what my wife calls fashionable. One might as well be steering through an ice-floe as try to come to an anchor here without running foul of something. It's _hard-a-port_ or _hard-a-starboard_ every minute; and if your coat-tail _jibes_, away goes something, and whatever it is that smashes, Mrs T always swears it was the _most valuable_ thing in the room. I'm like a bull in a china-shop. One comfort is, that I never come in here except when there's company. Indeed, I'm not allowed, thank God. Sit on a chair, Jacob, one of those spider-like French things, for my wife won't allow _blacks_, as she calls them, to come to an anchor upon her sky-blue silk sofas. How stupid to have furniture that one's not to make use of! Give me comfort but it appears that's not to be bought for money.
human
Now, Mr Turnbull, said she,
gpt
I wish to _h_explain to you that there are certain _h_improprieties in your behaviour which I cannot put _h_up with, particularly that _h_of talking about when you were before the mast.
human
Well, my dear, is that anything to be ashamed of?
gpt
Yes, Mr Turnbull, that _h_is--one _h_always sinks them ere particulars in fashionable society. To wirtuperate in company a'n't pleasant, and _H_i've thought of a plan which may _h_act as an _h_impediment to your vulgarity. Recollect, Mr T, when_h_ever I say that _H_i've an 'eadache, it's to be a sign for you to 'old your tongue; and, Mr T, _h_oblige me by wearing kid gloves all the evening.
human
What! at dinner time, my dear?
gpt
Yes, Mr T, at dinner time; your 'ands are not fit to be touched.
human
Well, I recollect when you thought otherwise.
gpt
When, Mr T? 'ave I not often told you so?
human
Yes, lately; but I referred to the time when one Poll Bacon of Wapping took my hand for better or for worse.
gpt
Really, Mr T, you quite shock me. My name was Mary, and the Bacons are a good old _H_inglish name. You 'ave their _h_arms quartered on the carriage in right o' me. That's something, I can tell you.
human
Something I had to pay for pretty smartly, at all events.
gpt
The payment, Mr T, was on account of granting _h_arms to you, who never _'ad_ any.
human
And never wished for them. What do I care for such stuff?
gpt
And when you did choose, Mr Turnbull, you might have consulted me, instead of making yourself the laughing-stock of Sir George Naylor and all the 'eralds. Who but a madman would have chosen three harpoons _saluims_, and three barrels _couchants_, with a spouting whale for a crest? Just to point out to everybody what should _h_ever be buried in _h_oblivion; and then your beastly motto--which I _would have_ changed--_`Blubber for ever_!' Blubber indeed! _h_enough to make _h_any one _blubber_ for ever.
human
Well, the heralds told me they were just what I ought to have chosen, and very apposite, as they termed it.
gpt
They took your money and laughed at you. Two pair of griffins, a lion, half-a-dozen leopards, and a hand with a dagger, wouldn't 'ave cost a farthing more. But what can you _h_expect from an _'og_?
human
But if I was _cured_, I should be what you _were--Bacon_.
gpt
I won't _demean_ myself, Mr Turnbull.
human
That's right, my dear, don't; there's no curing you. Recollect the motto you chose in preference to mine.
gpt
Well, and a very proper one--`_Too much familiarity breeds contempt_'-- is it not so, Master Faithful?
human
Yes, madam, it was one of our copies at school.
gpt
I beg your pardon, sir, it was my _h_own _h_invention.
human
Mr and Mrs Peters, of Petercumb Hall,