human
I have been thinking, these long, long days, of all the wrong I have ever done you. Nay, do not interrupt me--let me condemn myself as I deserve. When I first went to Aston, I well remember how kindly you tried to make me happy, even while I was turning you into ridicule, in order that I might prevent Captain Clair admiring you. With the wish to shew my superior nerve, and spirit for fun, I persisted in being one great cause of poor Amy's accident, while I called you prudish and old maidish. When I was in despair, you turned from your own grief to comfort mine; and yet so selfish was I still, that when I refused to leave you to nurse alone, it was only because I loved Captain Clair. When I found he loved you, I left you without remorse--and, oh! when she was dying--the poor child I had helped to murder--I was acting a part at a fancy ball, without one thought but of the admiration I excited. You came here. I felt, at first, that I could have done anything to please you; but I soon forgot you again--for I was once more infatuated, and could see nothing, think of nothing, but Beauclerc. I left you alone, to contend with my sisters, who were prejudiced against you--and when you interfered, for my good, I met you with peevishness and ill-humour. And how have I been punished--that very ball was the beginning of my unhappiness. When I went to the fancy ball, I deserved to meet Beauclerc, and to be deceived in him as I have been. And now, mother and sisters all desert me--none can bear to witness the workings of such a frivolous mind as mine--none stand by me--none care for me--but you, you whom I have most injured--no one but you thinks my spirit worth preserving from its sin and worldliness. Oh, Mabel, you have entirely conquered me--but I dare not promise anything--I am so very, very weak.
gpt
It is for such a moment as this, replied Mabel,
human
And if I do not try, said Lucy, tears gathering in her eyes,
gpt
I can tell you, then, said Mabel,
human
But, do you think he would care for my company? and, besides, you are always with him.
gpt
He would indeed care, if you would but try to please him--and I shall give up my place, when you are ready to take it. Indeed, my duty lies elsewhere, and I must soon obey its call. I would not have any one ignorant of their real talents through false modesty, she continued,
human
I will try, cried Lucy, smiling,
gpt
But one thing more, said Mabel--
human
I meant to have forgotten him, replied Lucy, shrinkingly;
gpt
He has written to me--and, if you will let me, I should like you to hear his letter.
human
Very well then,
gpt
Well, she said,
human
I forgive him, he can ask no more.
gpt
Nor does he, replied Mabel,
human
I will try, said she, very slowly, as if with difficulty,
gpt
She had cause for irritation, if she believed that you were flirting with her husband; and I am sure you can allow for any thing she may have said under that impression; for, without intending it, how greatly you must have pained her.
human
Yes, Mabel, yes, I have pained every body and lost my own peace as well. Oh, what would I give to be conscience free--free from all the petty wickedness of which I have been guilty. Believe me, all the time that Beauclerc seemed flirting, he was only talking seriously, and he never would have been so much with me had I not attracted him by a thousand artifices--pleading my own ignorance and great admiration for his talent, which I really felt, but ought not to have spoken. But you will not reproach me, for I am bitterly punished, and even your contempt is disarmed. I will go to Millie, yes, I will do every thing so that I may win peace at last. Oh that to-morrow were come; but, that it may be blessed, I will pray to-night. Now, dearest Mabel, do go to bed, you look so pale and ill, and I have been talking and keeping you up, and how your poor neck must pain you--I shall ring for that good tempered cook to come and dress it for you.
gpt
Good night love.