human
Then you believe in travel, do you?
gpt
I believe there is nothing broadens the mind so much,
human
But do you believe it will develop a mind where there isn't one? asked the School-master, unpleasantly.
gpt
Or, to put it more favorably, don't you think there would be danger in taking the germ of a mind in a small head and broadening it until it runs the risk of finding itself confined to cramped quarters?
human
That is a question for a physician to answer, said the Idiot.
gpt
But, if I were you, I wouldn't travel if I thought there was any such danger.
human
retorted the School-master,
gpt
I shall have to take your word for that, returned the Idiot,
human
You'd get over that in a very few days, said the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibed.
gpt
I have crossed the ocean a dozen times, and I'm never sea-sick after the third day out.
human
Ah, but those three days! said the Idiot.
gpt
They must resemble the three days of grace on a note that you know you couldn't pay if you had three years of grace. I couldn't stand them, I am afraid. Why, only last summer I took a drive off in the country, and the motion of the wagon going over the thank-ye-marms in the road made me so sea-sick before I'd gone a mile that I wanted to lie down and die. I think I should have done so if the horse hadn't run away and forced me to ride back home whether I wanted to or not.
human
You ought to fight that, said the Doctor.
gpt
By-and-by, if you give way to a weakness of that sort, the creases in your morning newspaper will affect you similarly as you read it. If you ever have a birthday, let us know, and we'll help you to overcome the tendency by buying you a baby-jumper for you to swing around in every morning until you get used to the motion.
human
It would be more to the purpose, replied the Idiot,
gpt
There is such a nostrum,
human
There is, indeed, put in the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibes.
gpt
I've tried it.
human
And were you sea-sick?
gpt
I never knew, replied the Genial Old Gentleman.
human
It made me so ill that I never thought to inquire what was the matter with me. But one thing is certain, I'll take my sea-voyages straight after this.
gpt
I'd like to go by rail,
human
That is a desire quite characteristic of you, said the School-master.
gpt
It is so probable that you could. Why not say that you'd like to cross the Atlantic on a tight-rope?
human
Because I have no such ambition, replied the Idiot.
gpt
Though it might be fun if the tight-rope were a trolley-wire, and one could sit comfortably in a spacious cab while speeding over the water. I should think that would be exhilarating enough. Just imagine how fine it would be on a stormy day to sit looking out of your cab-window far above the surface of the raging and impotent sea, skipping along at electric speed, and daring the waves to do their worst--that would be bliss.
human
And so practical,
gpt
Bliss rarely is practical, said the Idiot.
human
Bliss is a sort of mugwump blessing--too full of the ideal and too barren in practicability.
gpt
Well, said Mr. Whitechoker.
human
I don't know why we should say that trolley-cars between New York and London never can be. If we had told our grandfathers a hundred years ago that a cable for the transmission of news could be laid under the sea, they would have laughed us to scorn.
gpt
That's true, said the School-master.
human
But we know more than our grandfathers did.
gpt
Well, rather, interrupted the Idiot.
human
My great-grandfather, who died in 1799, had never even heard of Andrew Jackson, and if you had asked him what he thought of Darwin, he'd have thought you were guying him.
gpt
Respect for age, sir, retorted Mr. Pedagog,
human
Through his hat is the idiom you are trying to recall, I think, Mr. Pedagog, said the Idiot.
gpt
Mr. Whitechoker is talking through his hat is what you mean to say?
human
I beg your pardon, Mr. Idiot, said the School-master;
gpt
No doubt you are correct, said Mr. Whitechoker, meekly.
human
I did not mean that I expected ever to see a trolley-road across the sea, but I did mean to say that man has made such wonderful advances in the past hundred years that we cannot really state the limit of his possibilities. It is manifest that no one to-day can devise a plan by means of which such a wire could be carried, but--
gpt
I fear you gentlemen would starve as inventors, said the Idiot.
human
What's the matter with balloons?
gpt
Balloons for what?
human
For holding up the trolley-wires, replied the Idiot.
gpt
It is perfectly feasible. Fasten the ends of your wire in London and New York, and from coast to coast station two lines of sufficient strength to keep the wire raised as far above the level of the sea as you require. That's simple enough.
human
And what, pray, in this frenzy of the elements, this raging storm of which you have spoken, said Mr. Pedagog, impatiently--
gpt
The trolley-wire, of course,
human
Well, I sincerely hope your plan is adopted, and that the promoters will make you superintendent, with an office in the mid-ocean balloon.
gpt
Thanks for your good wishes, Mr. Pedagog, the Idiot answered.
human
If they are realized I shall remember them, and show my gratitude to you by using my influence to have you put in charge of the gas service. Meantime, however, it seems to me that our ocean steamships could be developed along logical lines so that the trip from New York to Liverpool could be made in a very much shorter period of time than is now required.
gpt
We are getting back to the common-sense again, said the Bibliomaniac.
human
That is a proposition to which I agree. Ten years ago eight days was considered a good trip. With the development of the twin-screw steamer the time has been reduced to approximately six days.
gpt
Or a saving, really, of two days because of the extra screw,
human
Precisely,
gpt
So that, provided there are extra screws enough, there isn't any reason why the trip should not be made in two or three hours.
human
Ah--what was that? said the Bibliomaniac.
gpt
I don't exactly follow you.
human
One extra screw, you say, has saved two days?
gpt
Yes.
human
Then two extra screws would save four days, three would save six days, and five extra screws would send the boat over in approximately no time, said the Idiot.
gpt
So, if it takes a man two hours to succumb to sea-sickness, a boat going over in less than that time would eliminate sea-sickness; more people would go; boats could run every hour, and Mr. Whitechoker could have a European trip every week without deserting his congregation.
human
Inestimable boon!
gpt
Wouldn't it be! said the Idiot.
human
Unless I change my mind, I think I shall stay in this country until this style of greyhound is perfected. Then, gentlemen, I shall tear myself away from you, and seek knowledge in foreign pastures.
gpt
Well, I am sure, said Mr. Pedagog--
human
I am sure that we all hope you will change your mind.
gpt
Then you want me to go abroad?
human
No, said Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
No--not so much that as that we feel if you were to change your mind the change could not fail to be for the better. A mind like yours ought to be changed.
human
Well, I don't know, said the Idiot.
gpt
I suppose it would be a good thing if I broke it up into smaller denominations, but I've had it so long that I have become attached to it; but there is one thing about it, there is plenty of it, so that in case any of you gentlemen find your own insufficient I shall be only too happy to give you a piece of it without charge. Meanwhile, if Mrs. Pedagog will kindly let me have my bill for last week, I'll be obliged.
human
It won't be ready until to-morrow, Mr. Idiot,
gpt
I'm sorry, said the Idiot, rising.
human
My scribbling-paper has run out. I wanted to put in this morning writing a poem on the back of it.
gpt
A poem? What about?
human
It was to be a triolet on Omniscience, said the Idiot.
gpt
And, strange to say, sir, you were to be the hero, if by any possibility I could squeeze you into a French form.
human
How is business these days, Mr. Idiot? asked the Poet, as the one addressed laid down the morning paper with a careworn expression on his face.
gpt
Good, I hope?
human
Fair, only, replied the Idiot.
gpt
My honored employer was quite blue about things yesterday, and if I hadn't staved him off I think he'd have proposed swapping places with me. He has said quite often of late that I had the best of it, because all I had to earn was my salary, whereas he had to earn my salary and his own living besides. I offered to give him ten per cent. of my salary for ten per cent. of his living, but he said he guessed he wouldn't, adding that I seemed to be as great an Idiot as ever.
human
I fancy he was right there, said Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
I should really like to know how a man of your peculiar mental construction can be of the slightest practical value to a banker. I ask the question in all kindness, too, meaning to cast no reflections whatever upon either you or your employer. You are a roaring success in your own line, which is all any one could ask of you.
human
There's hominy for you, as the darky said to the hotel guest, returned the Idiot.
gpt
Any person who says that discord exists at this table doesn't know what he is talking about. Even the oil and the vinegar mix in the caster--that is, I judge they do from the oleaginous appearance of the vinegar. But I am very useful to my employer, Mr. Pedagog. He says frequently that he wouldn't know what not to do if it were not for me.
human
Aren't you losing control of your tongue? queried the Bibliomaniac, looking at the Idiot in wonderment.
gpt
Don't you mean that he says he wouldn't know what to do if it were not for you?
human
No, I don't, said the Idiot.
gpt
I never lose control of my tongue. I meant exactly what I said. Mr. Barlow told me, in so many words, that if it were not for me he wouldn't know what _not_ to do. He calls me his Back Action Patent Reversible Counsellor. If he is puzzled over an intricate point he sends for me and says: 'Such and such a thing being the case, Mr. Idiot, what would you do? Don't think about it, but tell me on impulse. Your thoughtless opinions are worth more to me than I can tell you.' So I tell him on impulse just what I should do, whereupon he does the other thing, and comes out ahead in nine cases out of ten.
human
And you confess it, eh?
gpt
I certainly do, said the Idiot.
human
The world must take me for what I am. I'm not going to be one thing for myself, and build up a fictitious Idiot for the world. The world calls you men of pretence conceited, whereas, by pretending to be something that you are not, you give to the world what I should call convincing evidence that you are not at all conceited, but rather somewhat ashamed of what you know yourselves to be. Now, I rather believe in conceit--real honest pride in yourself as you know yourself to be. I am an Idiot, and it is my ambition to be a perfect Idiot. If I had been born a jackass, I should have endeavored to be a perfect jackass.
gpt
You'd have found it easy,
human
Would I? said the Idiot.
gpt
I'll have to take your word for it, sir, for _I_ have never been a jackass, and so cannot form an opinion on the subject.
human
Pride goeth before a fall,
gpt
Exactly, said the Idiot.
human
Wherefore I admire pride. It is a danger-signal that enables man to avoid the fall. If Adam had had any pride he'd never have fallen--but speaking about my controlling my tongue, it is not entirely out of the range of possibilities that I shall lose control of myself.
gpt
I expected that, sooner or later, said the Doctor.
human
Is it to be Bloomingdale or a private mad-house you are going to?
gpt
Ho! jeered the Poet.
human
I must confess, my dear Idiot, that I do not think you are a success in quotation. Hamlet spoke those lines differently.
gpt
Shakespeare's Hamlet did. My little personal Shakespeare makes his Hamlet an entirely different, less stilted sort of person,
human
You have a personal Shakespeare, have you?
gpt
Of course I have, the Idiot answered.
human
Haven't you?
gpt
I have not,
human
Well, I'm sorry for you then, sighed the Idiot, putting a fried potato in his mouth.
gpt
Very sorry. I wouldn't give a cent for another man's ideals. I want my own ideals, and I have my own ideal of Shakespeare. In fancy, Shakespeare and I have roamed over the fields of Warwickshire together, and I've had more fun imagining the kind of things he and I would have said to each other than I ever got out of his published plays, few of which have escaped the ungentle hands of the devastators.
human
You mean commentators, I imagine,
gpt
I do, said the Idiot.
human
It's all the same, whether you call them commentors or devastators. The result is the same. New editions of Shakespeare are issued every year, and people buy them to see not what Shakespeare has written, but what new quip some opinionated devastator has tried to fasten on his memory. In a hundred years from now the works of Shakespeare will differ as much from what they are to-day as to-day's versions differ from what they were when Shakespeare wrote them. It's mighty discouraging to one like myself who would like to write works.
gpt
You are convicted out of your own mouth, said the Bibliomaniac.
human
A moment since you wasted your pity on me because I didn't mutilate Shakespeare so as to make him my own, and now you attack the commentators for doing precisely the same thing. They're as much entitled to their opinions as you are to yours.
gpt
Did you ever learn to draw parallels when you were in school?
human
I did, and I think I've made a perfect parallel in this case. You attack people in one breath for what you commiserate me for not doing in another,
gpt
Not exactly, said the Idiot.
human
I don't object to the commentators for commentating, but I do object to their putting out their versions of Shakespeare as Shakespeare. I might as well have my edition published. It certainly would be popular, especially where, in 'Julius C犘ar,' I introduce five Cassiuses and have them all fall on their swords together with military precision, like a 'Florodora' sextette, for instance.
gpt
Well, I hope you'll never print such an atrocity as that, cried the Bibliomaniac, hotly.
human
If there's one thing in literature without excuse and utterly contemptible it is the comic version, the parody of a masterpiece.
gpt
You need have no fear on that score, returned the Idiot.
human
I haven't time to rewrite Shakespeare, and, since I try never to stop short of absolute completeness, I shall not embark on the enterprise. If I do, however, I shall not do as the commentators do, and put on my title-page 'Shakespeare. Edited by Willie Wilkins,' but 'Shakespeare As He Might Have Been, Had His Plays Been Written By An Idiot.'
gpt
I have no doubt that you could do great work with 'Hamlet,'
human
I think so myself, said the Idiot.
gpt
But I shall never write 'Hamlet.' I don't want to have my fair fame exposed to the merciless hands of the devastators.
human
I shall never cease to regret, said Mr. Pedagog, after a moment's thought,
gpt
Very well, answered the Idiot.
human
I shall put your name down as a subscriber to the _Idiot Monthly Magazine_, which some of my friends contemplate publishing. That is what I mean when I say I may shortly lose control of myself. These friends of mine profess to have been so impressed by my dicta that they have asked me if I would allow myself to be incorporated into a stock company, the object of which should be to transform my personality into printed pages. Hardly a day goes by but I devote a portion of my time to a poem in which the thought is conspicuous either by its absence or its presence. My schemes for the amelioration of the condition of the civilized are notorious among those who know me; my views on current topics are eagerly sought for; my business instinct, as I have already told you, is invaluable to my employer, and my fiction is unsurpassed in its fictitiousness. What more is needed for a magazine? You have the poetry, the philanthropy, the man of to-day, the fictitiousness, and the business instinct necessary for the successful modern magazine all concentrated in one person. Why not publish that person, say my friends, and I, feeling as I do that no man has a right to the selfish enjoyment of the great gifts nature has bestowed upon him, of course can only agree. I am to be incorporated with a capital stock of five hundred thousand dollars. One hundred thousand dollars' worth of myself I am to be permitted to retain; the rest my friends will subscribe for at fifty cents on the dollar. If any of you want shares in the enterprise I have no doubt you can be accommodated.
gpt
I'm obliged to you for the opportunity, said the Doctor.
human
But I have to be very careful about things I take stock in, and in general I regard you as a thing in which I should prefer not to take stock.
gpt
And I, observed Mr. Pedagog--
human
I have never up to this time taken any stock in you, and I make it a rule to be guided in life by precedent. Therefore I must be counted out.
gpt
I'll wait until you are listed at the Stock Exchange, put in the Bibliomaniac,
human
You can put me down for one share, to be paid for in poetry,
gpt
You'll never make good,
human
And I, said the Genial Old Gentleman who occasionally imbibes,
gpt
Oh, as for that, said the Idiot,
human
I have plenty of good-will. Even Mr. Pedagog supplies me with more of it than I deserve, though by no means with all that I desire.
gpt
That good-will is yours as an individual, Mr. Idiot, returned the School-master.
human
As a corporation, however, I cannot permit you to trade upon me even for that. Your value is, in my eyes, entirely too fluctuating.
gpt
And it is in the fluctuating stock that the great fortunes are made, Mr. Pedagog, said the Idiot.
human
As an individual I appreciate your good-will. As a corporation I am soulless, without emotions, and so cherish no disappointments over your refusal. I think if the scheme goes through it will be successful, and I fully expect to see the day when Idiot Preferred will be selling as high, if not higher, than Steel, and leaving utterly behind any other industrial that ever was known, copper or rope.
gpt
If, like the railways, you could issue betterment bonds you might do very well, said the Doctor.
human
I think ten million dollars spent in bettering you might bring you up to par.
gpt
Or a consolidated first-mortgage bond, remarked the Bibliomaniac.
human
Consolidate the Idiot with a man like Chamberlain or the German Emperor, and issue a five-million-dollar mortgage on the result, and you might find people who'd take those bonds at seventy-five.
gpt
You might if they were a dollar bond printed on cartridge-paper, said Mr. Pedagog.
human
Then purchasers could paper their walls with them.
gpt
Rail on, said the Idiot.
human
I can stand it. When I begin paying quarterly dividends at a ten-per-cent. rate you'll wish you had come in.
gpt
I don't know about that, said Mr. Pedagog.
human
It would entirely depend.
gpt
On what?
human
On whether that ten per cent. was declared upon your own estimate of your value or upon ours. On yours it would be fabulous; on ours--oh, well, what is the use of saying anything more about it. We are not going in it, and that's an end to it.
gpt
Well, I'll go in it if you change your scheme, said the Doctor.
human
If instead of an Idiot Publishing Company you will try to float yourself as a Consolidated Gas Company you may count on me to take a controlling interest.
gpt
I will submit the proposition to my friends, said the Idiot, calmly.
human
It would be something to turn out an honest gas company, which I should, of course, try to be, but I am afraid the public will not accept it. There is little demand for laughing-gas, and, besides, they would fear to intrust you with a controlling interest for fear that you might blow the product out and the bills up--coining millions by mere inflation. They've heard of you, Doctor, and they know that is the sort of thing you'd be likely to do.
gpt
I was surprised and gratified last evening, Mr. Idiot, observed the School-master as breakfast was served,
human
I don't know that I do admit the necessity, returned the Idiot.
gpt
Sometimes when I take an inventory of the contents of my mind it seems to me that about everything I need is there.
human
There you go again! said the Bibliomaniac.
gpt
Why do you persist in your refusal to allow any one to get a favorable impression concerning you? Mr. Pedagog unbends sufficiently to tell you that you have at last done something which he can commend, and you greet him with an Idiotism which is practically a rebuff.
human
Very well said, observed the School-master, with an acquiescent nod.
gpt
I came to this table this morning encouraged to believe that this young man was beginning to see the error of his ways, and I must confess to a great enough interest in him to say that I was pleased at that encouragement. I saw him at a lecture on literature at the Lyceum Hall last evening, and he appeared to be interested, and yet this morning he seems to show that he is utterly incorrigible. May I ask, sir, why you attended that lecture if, as you say, your mind is already sufficiently well furnished?
human
Certainly you may ask that question, replied the Idiot.
gpt
I went to that lecture to have my impressions confirmed, that is all. I have certain well-defined notions concerning University Extension, and I wished to see if they were correct. I found that they were.
human
The lecture was not upon University Extension, but upon Romanticism, and it was a most able discourse,
gpt
Very likely, said the Idiot.
human
I did not hear it. I did not want to hear it. I have my own ideas concerning Romanticism, which do not need confirmation or correction. I have already confirmed and corrected them. I went to see the audience and not to hear Professor Peterkin exploding theories.
gpt
It is a pity the chair you occupied was wasted upon you,
human
I agree with you, said the Idiot.
gpt
I could have got a much better view of the audience if I had been permitted to sit on the stage, but Professor Peterkin needed all that for his gestures. However, I saw enough from where I sat to confirm my impression that University Extension is not so much of a public benefit as a social fad. There was hardly a soul in the audience who could not have got all that Professor Peterkin had to tell him out of his books; there was hardly a soul in the audience who could not have afforded to pay one dollar at least for the seat he occupied; there was not a soul in the audience who had paid more than ten cents for his seat or her seat, and those for whose benefit the lecture was presumably given, the ten-cent people, were crowded out. The lectures themselves are not instructive--Professor Peterkin's particularly--except in so far as it is instructive to hear what Professor Peterkin thinks on this or that subject, and his desire to be original forces him to cook up views which no one else ever held, with the result that what he says is most interesting and proper to be presented to the attention of a discriminating audience, but not proper to be presented to an audience that is supposed to come there to receive instruction.
human
You have just said that you did not listen to the lecture. How do you know that what you say is true?
gpt
I know Professor Peterkin,
human
Does he know you?
gpt
I don't think he would remember me if you should speak my name in his presence, observed the Idiot, calmly.
human
But that is easily accounted for. The Professor never remembers anybody but himself.
gpt
Well, I admit, said Mr. Pedagog,
human
You speak a sad truth, said the Idiot.
gpt
Social fads are impervious to fulmination, as Solomon might have said had he thought of it. As long as a thing is a social fad it will thrive, and, on the whole, perhaps it ought to thrive. Anything which gives society something to think about has its value, and the mere fact that it makes society _think_ is proof of that value.
human
We seem to be in a philosophic frame of mind this morning,
gpt
We are, returned the Idiot.
human
That's one thing about University Extension. It makes us philosophic. It has made a stoic of my dear old daddy.
gpt
Oh yes! cried Mr. Pedagog.
human
You _have_ a father, haven't you? I had forgotten that.
gpt
Wherein, said the Idiot,
human
You flatter me,
gpt
No, returned the Idiot.
human
If you knew how little the ignorant gain from Peterkin you would not necessarily call it flattery if one should say he learned more from your conversation over a griddle-cake.
gpt
You misconceive the whole situation, I think, nevertheless, said Mr. Whitechoker.
human
As I understand it, supplementary lectures, and examinations based on them, are held after the lectures, when the practical instruction is given with great thoroughness.
gpt
I'm glad you spoke of that, said the Idiot.
human
I had forgotten that part of it. Professor Peterkin received pay for his lectures, which dealt in theories only; plain Mr. Barton, who delivered the supplementary lectures, got nothing. Professor Peterkin taught nothing, but he represented University Extension. Plain Mr. Barton did the work and represented nothing. Both reached society. Neither reached the masses. In my native town plain Mr. Barton's supplementary lectures, which were simply an effort to unravel the Peterkin complications, were attended by the same people in smaller crowds--people of social standing who were curious enough to devote an hour a week to an endeavor to find out the meaning of what Professor Peterkin had told them at the function the week before. The students examined were mostly ladies, and I happen to know that in a large proportion they were ladies whose husbands could have afforded to pay Professor Peterkin his salary ten times over as a private tutor.
gpt
As I look at it, said Mr. Pedagog, gravely,
human
I don't condemn a system which sets out to improve minds irrespective of conditions, replied the Idiot.
gpt
But I should most assuredly condemn a man, or a set of men, who induced me to subscribe to a bread fund for the poor and who afterwards expended that money on cream-cakes for the Czar of Russia. The fact that the Czar of Russia wanted the cream-cakes and was willing to accept them would not affect my feelings in the matter, though I have no doubt the people in charge of the fund would find themselves far more conspicuous for having departed from the original idea. Some of them might be knighted for it if the Czar happened to be passionately fond of cream-cakes.
human
Then, having attacked this system, what would you have? Would you have University Extension stop?
gpt
Not at all, returned the Idiot.
human
Anything which can educate society is a good thing, but I should change the name of it from University Extension to Social Expansion, and I should compel those whose minds were broadened by it to pay the bills.
gpt
But as yet you have failed to hit the nail on the head, persisted the Bibliomaniac.
human
The masses can attend these lectures if they wish to, and on your own statement they don't. You don't seem to consider that point, or, if you do, you don't meet it.
gpt
I don't think it necessary to meet it, said the Idiot.
human
Though I will say that if you were one of the masses--a girl, say, with one dress, threadbare, poor, and ill-fitting, and possessed of a natural bit of pride--you would find little pleasure in attending a lecture your previous education does not permit of your comprehending, and sitting through an evening with a lot of finely dressed, smart folk, with their backs turned towards you. The plebeians have _some_ pride, my dear Bibliomaniac, and they are decidedly averse to mixing with the swells. They would like to be educated, but they don't care to be snubbed for the privilege of being mystified by a man like Professor Peterkin, even for so small a sum as ten cents an evening.
gpt
We were talking about University Extension the other day, Mr. Pedagog, said the Idiot, as the School-master folded up the newspaper and put it in his pocket,
human
Did you? said Mr. Pedagog, coldly.
gpt
I don't remember much about it. I rarely make a note of anything you may say.
human
Well, I did suggest the change of name, whether your memory is retentive or not, and I have been thinking the matter over a good deal since, and I think I've got hold of an idea,
gpt
In that case, said the Bibliomaniac,
human
No danger of that, said the Idiot, with a smile.
gpt
I have it securely locked up here,
human
It must be lonesome,
gpt
And rather uncomfortable--if it is a real idea, observed the Doctor.
human
An idea in the Idiot's mind must feel somewhat as a tall, stout Irish maid feels when she goes to her bedroom in one of those Harlem flat-houses.
gpt
You men are losing a great opportunity, said the Idiot, with a scornful glance at the three professional gentlemen.
human
The idea of your following the professions of pedagogy, medicine, and literature, when the three of you combined could make a fortune as an incarnate comic paper. I don't see why you don't make a combination like those German bands that play on the street corners, and go about from door to door, and crack your jokes just as they crack their music. I am sure you'd take, particularly in front of barber-shops.
gpt
It would be hard on the comic papers, said the Poet, who was getting a little unpopular with his fellow-boarders because of his tendency, recently developed, to take the Idiot's part in the breakfast-table discussions.
human
They might be so successful that the barber-shops, instead of taking the comic papers for their customers to read, would employ one or more of them to sit in the middle of the room and crack jokes aloud.
gpt
We couldn't rival the comic papers though, said the Doctor, wishing to save his dignity by taking the bull by the horns.
human
We might do the jokes well enough, but the comic papers are chiefly pictorial.
gpt
You'd be pictorial enough, said the Idiot.
human
Wasn't it you, Mr. Pedagog, that said the Doctor here looked like one of Cruikshank's physicians, or as if he had stepped out of Dickens's pages, or something like it?
gpt
I never said anything of the sort! cried the School-master, wrathfully;
human
Who was it said that? asked the Idiot, innocently, looking about the table.
gpt
It couldn't have been Mr. Whitechoker, and I know it wasn't the Poet or my Genial Friend who occasionally imbibes. Mr. Pedagog denies it; I didn't say it; Mrs. Pedagog wouldn't say it. That leaves only two of us--the Bibliomaniac and the Doctor himself. I don't think the Doctor would make a personal remark of that kind, and--well, there is but one conclusion. Mr. Bibliomaniac, I am surprised.
human
What? roared the Bibliomaniac, glaring at the Idiot.
gpt
Do you mean to fasten the impertinence on me?
human
Far from it, returned the Idiot, meekly.
gpt
Very far from it. It is fate, sir, that has done that--the circumstantial evidence against you is strong; but then, mercifully enough, circumstantial evidence is not permitted to hang a man.
human
Now see here, Mr. Idiot, said the Bibliomaniac, firmly and impressively,
gpt
I want you to distinctly understand that I am not going to have you put words into my mouth that I never uttered. I--
human
Pray, don't attack me, said the Idiot.
gpt
I haven't made any charge against you. I only asked who could have said that the Doctor looked like a creation of Cruikshank. I couldn't have said it, because I don't think it. Mr. Pedagog denies it. In fact, every one here has a clear case of innocence excepting yourself, and I don't believe _you_ said it, only the chain of circumstance--
human
Oh, hang your chain of circumstance!
gpt
It is hung, said the Idiot,
human
Heigho! sighed Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
I sometimes think that if I had not the honor to be the husband of our landlady I'd move away from here. Your views, sir, are undermining my constitution.
human
You only think so, Mr. Pedagog, replied the Idiot.
gpt
You are simply going through a process of intellectual reconstruction at my hands. You feel exactly as a man feels who has been shut up in the dark for years and suddenly finds himself in a flood of sunlight. I am doing with you as an individual what I would have society do for mankind at large--in other words, while I am working for individual expansion upon the raw material I find here, I would have society buckle down to the enlargement of itself by the improvement of those outside of itself.
human
If you swim in water as well as you do in verbiage, said the Bibliomaniac,
gpt
Oh, as for that, I can swim like a duck, said the Idiot.
human
You can't sink me.
gpt
I fancied not, observed Mr. Pedagog, with a smile at his own joke.
human
You are so light I wonder, indeed, that you don't rise up into space, anyhow.
gpt
And when I would return to sup, To breakfast, or perchance to dine, I haul myself once more to earth By tugging on a piece of twine.
human
You aren't entirely without your good points, he said.
gpt
If we ever accept your comic-paper idea we'll have to rely on you for the nonsense poetry.
human
Thank you, said the Idiot.
gpt
I'll help. If I had a man like you to give me the suggestions I could make a fortune out of poetry. The only trouble is I have to quarrel with you before I can get you to give me a suggestion, and I despise bickering.
human
So do I, returned Mr. Pedagog.
gpt
Let's give up bickering and turn our attention to--er--Social Extension, is it?
human
Yes--or Social Expansion, said the Idiot.
gpt
Some years ago the world was startled to hear that in the city of New York there were not more than four hundred people who were entitled to social position, and, as I understand it, as time has progressed the number has still further diminished. Last year the number was only one hundred and fifty, and, as I read the social news of to-day, not more than twenty-five people are now beyond all question in the swim. At dinners, balls, functions of all sorts, you read the names of these same twenty-five over and over again as having been present. Apparently no others attended--or, if they did, they were not so indisputably entitled to be present that their names could be printed in the published accounts. Now all of this shows that society is dying out, and that if things keep on as they are now going it will not be many years before we shall become a people without society, a nation of plebeians.
human
Your statement so far is lucid and logical,