human
Mr. Beck? I thought so. I wrote to you yesterday, Mr. Beck. And I am come in person--in person, sir--for your reply.
gpt
You air the gentleman, sir, interested in the orphan children of a colonial bishop?
human
No, sir, I am not. Nothing of the kind.
gpt
Then you air perhaps the gentleman who wrote to say that unless I sent him a ten-pound note by return of post he would blow out his brains?
human
I am Major Borington. I wrote to you, sir, on behalf of the Grand National Movement for erecting International Statues.
gpt
What is that movement, sir?
human
A series of monuments to all our great men, Mr. Beck. America and England, have ancestors in common. We have our Shakespeare, sir, our Milton.
gpt
Yes, sir, so I have heard. I did not know those ancestors myself, having been born too late, and therefore I do not take that interest in their stone figures you do.
human
Positively, Mr. Beck, you must join us.
gpt
It is your idea, Colonel, is it?
human
Mine, Mr. Beck. I am proud to say it is my own.
gpt
I knew a man once, Colonel, in my country, who wanted to be a great man. He had that ambition, sir. He wasn't particular how he got his greatness. But he scorned to die and be forgotten, and he yearned to go down to posterity. His name, sir, was Hiram Turtle. First of all, he ambitioned military greatness. We went into Bull's Run together. And we came out of it together. We came away from that field side by side. We left our guns there, too. If we had had shields, we should have left them as well. Hiram concluded, sir, after that experience, to leave military greatness to others.
human
One moment, Brigadier. The connection is coming. Hiram Turtle thought the ministry opened up a field. So he became a preacher. Yes; he preached once. But he forgot that a preacher must have something to say, and so the elders concluded not to ask Hiram Turtle any more. Then he became clerk in a store while he looked about him. For a year or two he wrote poetry. But the papers in America, he found, were in a league against genius. So he gave up that lay. Politics was his next move; and he went for stump-orating with the Presidency in his eye. Stumpin' offers amusement as well as gentle exercise, but it doesn't pay unless you get more than one brace of niggers and a bubbly-jock to listen. Wal, sir, how do you think Hiram Turtle made his greatness? He figured around, sir, with a List, and his own name a-top, for a Grand National Monument to the memory of the great men who fell in the Civil War. They air still subscribing, and Hiram Turtle is the great Patriot. Now, General, you see the connection.
gpt
If you mean, sir, cried Major Borington,
human
Not at all, sir, said Mr. Beck;
gpt
I have told you a little story. Hiram Turtle's was a remarkable case. Perhaps you might ponder on it.
human
Your language is insulting, sir!
gpt
Colonel, this is not a country where men have to take care what they say. But if you should ever pay a visit out West, and if you should happen to be about where tar and feathers are cheap, you would really be astonished at the consideration you would receive. No, sir, I shall not subscribe to your Grand National Association. But go on, Captain, go on. This is a charitable country, and the people haven't all heard the story of Hiram Turtle. And what'll you take, Major?