human
O, but the law, thou criest,
gpt
Good! and for those, Wilt thou the turtle and the turbot lose, 50 And all the dainties, which the flatterer, still Heaps on the childless, to secure his Will? But what will hence impossible be held, If thou, old friend, to wedlock art impelled? If thou, the veriest debauchee in town, 55 With whom wives, widows, every thing went down, Shouldst stretch the unsuspecting neck, and poke Thy foolish nose into the marriage yoke? Thou, famed for scapes, and, by the trembling wife, Thrust in a chest so oft, to save thy life!-- 60 But what! Ursidius hopes a mate to gain, Frugal, and chaste, and of the good old strain: Alas, he's frantic! ope a vein with speed, And bleed him copiously, good doctor, bleed. Jewel of men! thy knees to Jove incline, 65 And let a heifer fall at Juno's shrine, If thy researches for a wife be blest, With one, who is not--need I speak the rest? Ah! few the matrons Ceres now can find, Her hallowed fillets, with chaste hands, to bind; 70 Few whom their fathers with their lips can trust, So strong their filial kisses smack of lust! Go then, prepare to bring your mistress home, And crown your doors with garlands, ere she come.-- But will one man suffice, methinks, you cry, 75 For all her wants and wishes? Will one eye! And yet there runs, 'tis said, a wondrous tale, Of some pure maid, who lives--in some lone vale. There she MAY live; but let the phœnix, placed At Gabii or Fidenæ, prove as chaste 80 As at her father's farm!--Yet who will swear, That naught is done in night and silence there? Time was, when Jupiter and Mars, we're told, } With many a nymph in woods and caves made bold; } And still, perhaps, they may not be too old. } 85 Survey our public places; see you there One woman worthy of your serious care? See you, through all the crowded benches, one Whom you might take securely for your own?-- Lo! while Bathyllus, with his flexile limbs, 90 Acts Leda, and through every posture swims, Tuccia delights to realize the play, And in lascivious trances melts away; While rustic Thymele, with curious eye, Marks the quick pant, the lingering, deep-drawn sigh, 95 And while her cheeks with burning blushes glow, Learns this--learns all the city matrons know. Others, when of the theatres bereft, When nothing but the wrangling bar is left, In the long tedious months which interpose 100 'Twixt the Cybelian and Plebeian shows, Sicken for action, and assume the airs, The mask and thyrsus, of their favorite players. --Midst peals of mirth, see Urbicus advance (Poor Ælia's choice), and, in a wanton dance, 105 Burlesque Autonoë's woes! the rich engage In higher frolics, and defraud the stage; Take from Chrysogonus the power to sing, Loose, at vast prices, the comedian's ring, Tempt the tragedian--but I see you moved-- 110 Heavens! dreamed you that QUINTILIAN would be loved! Then hie thee, Lentulus, and boldly wed, That the chaste partner of thy fruitful bed May kindly single from this motley race Some sturdy Glaphyrus, thy brows to grace: 115 Haste; in the narrow streets long scaffolds raise, And deck thy portals with triumphant bays; That in thy heir, as swathed in state he lies, The guests may trace Mirmillo's nose and eyes! Hippia, who shared a rich patrician's bed, 120 To Egypt with a gladiator fled, While rank Canopus eyed, with strong disgust, This ranker specimen of Roman lust. Without one pang, the profligate resigned Her husband, sister, sire; gave to the wind 125 Her children's tears; yea, tore herself away (To strike you more)--from PARIS and the PLAY! And though, in affluence born, her infant head Had pressed the down of an embroidered bed, She braved the deep (she long had braved her fame; 130 But this is little--to the courtly dame), And, with undaunted breast, the changes bore, Of many a sea, the swelling and the roar. Have they an honest call, such ills to bear? Cold shiverings seize them, and they shrink with fear; 135 But set illicit pleasure in their eye, Onward they rush, and every toil defy! Summoned by duty, to attend her lord, How, cries the lady, can I get on board? How bear the dizzy motion? how the smell? 140 But--when the adulterer calls her, all is well! She roams the deck, with pleasure ever new, Tugs at the ropes, and messes with the crew; But with her husband--O, how changed the case! Sick! sick! she cries, and vomits in his face. 145 But by what youthful charms, what shape, what air, Was Hippia won, the opprobrious name to bear Of FENCER'S TRULL? The wanton well might dote! For the sweet Sergius long had scraped his throat, Long looked for leave to quit the public stage, 150 Maimed in his limbs, and verging now to age. Add, that his face was battered and decayed; The helmet on his brow huge galls had made, A wen deformed his nose, of monstrous size, And sharp rheum trickled from his bloodshot eyes: 155 But then he was a SWORDSMAN! that alone Made every charm and every grace his own; That made him dearer than her nuptial vows, Dearer than country, sister, children, spouse.-- 'TIS BLOOD THEY LOVE: Let Sergius quit the sword, 160 And he'll appear, at once--so like her lord! Start you at wrongs that touch a private name, At Hippia's lewdness, and Veiento's shame? Turn to the rivals of the immortal Powers, And mark how like their fortunes are to ours! 165 Claudius had scarce begun his eyes to close, Ere from his pillow Messalina rose (Accustomed long the bed of state to slight For the coarse mattress, and the hood of night); And with one maid, and her dark hair concealed 170 Beneath a yellow tire, a strumpet veiled! She slipt into the stews, unseen, unknown, And hired a cell, yet reeking, for her own. There, flinging off her dress, the imperial whore Stood, with bare breasts and gilded, at the door, 175 And showed, Britannicus, to all who came, The womb that bore thee, in Lycisca's name! Allured the passers by with many a wile, And asked her price, and took it, with a smile. And when the hour of business now was spent, 180 And all the trulls dismissed, repining went; Yet what she could, she did; slowly she past, And saw her man, and shut her cell, the last, --Still raging with the fever of desire, Her veins all turgid, and her blood all fire, 185 With joyless pace, the imperial couch she sought, And to her happy spouse (yet slumbering) brought Cheeks rank with sweat, limbs drenched with poisonous dews, The steam of lamps, and odor of the stews! 'Twere long to tell what philters they provide, 190 What drugs, to set a son-in-law aside. Women, in judgment weak, in feeling strong, By every, gust of passion borne along, Act, in their fits, such crimes, that, to be just, The least pernicious of their sins is lust. 195 But why's Cesennia then, you say, adored, And styled the first of women, by her lord? Because she brought him thousands: such the price It cost the lady to be free from vice!-- Not for her charms the wounded lover pined, 200 Nor felt the flame which fires the ardent mind, Plutus, not Cupid, touched his sordid heart; And 'twas her dower that winged the unerring dart. She brought enough her liberty to buy, And tip the wink before her husband's eye. 205 A wealthy wanton, to a miser wed, Has all the license of a widowed bed. But yet, Sertorius what I say disproves, For though his Bibula is poor, he loves. True! but examine him; and, on my life, 210 You'll find he loves the beauty, not the wife. Let but a wrinkle on her forehead rise, And time obscure the lustre of her eyes; Let but the moisture leave her flaccid skin, And her teeth blacken, and her cheeks grow thin; 215 And you shall hear the insulting freedman say,
human
Pack up your trumpery, madam, and away! Nay, bustle, bustle; here you give offense, With sniveling night and day;--take your nose hence! -- But, ere that hour arrives, she reigns indeed! 220 Shepherds, and sheep of Canusinian breed, Falernian vineyards (trifles these), she craves, And store of boys, and troops of country slaves; Briefly, for all her neighbor has, she sighs, And plagues her doting husband, till he buys. 225 In winter, when the merchant fears to roam, And snow confines the shivering crew at home; She ransacks every shop for precious ware, Here cheapens myrrh and crystal vases; there, That far-famed gem which Berenice wore, 230 The hire of incest, and thence valued more; A brother's present, in that barbarous State, Where kings the sabbath, barefoot, celebrate; And old indulgence grants a length of life To hogs, that fatten fearless of the knife. 235 What! and is none of all this numerous herd Worthy your choice? not one, to be preferred? Suppose her nobly born, young, rich, and fair, And (though a coal-black swan be far less rare) Chaste as the Sabine wives, who rushed between 240 The kindred hosts, and closed the unnatural scene; Yet who could bear to lead an humbled life, Cursed with that veriest plague, a faultless wife!-- Some simple rustic at Venusium bred, O let me, rather than Cornelia, wed, 245 If, to great virtues, greater pride she join, And count her ancestors as current coin. Take back, for mercy's sake, thy Hannibal! Away with vanquished Syphax, camp and all! Troop, with the whole of Carthage! I'd be free 250 From all this pageantry of worth--and thee.
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O let, Apollo, let my children live, And thou, Diana, pity, and forgive; Amphion cries;
human
255 In vain he cries; Apollo bends his bow, And, with the children, lays the father low? They fell; while Niobe aspired to place Her birth and blood above Latona's race; And boast her womb--too fruitful, to be named 260 With that WHITE SOW, for thirty sucklings famed. Beauty and worth are purchased much too dear, If a wife force them hourly on your ear; For, say, what pleasure can you hope to find, Even in this boast, this phœnix of her kind, 265 If, warped by pride, on all around she lour, And in your cup more gall than honey pour? Ah! who so blindly wedded to the state, As not to shrink from such a perfect mate, Of every virtue feel the oppressive weight, 270 And curse the worth he loves, seven hours in eight? Some faults, though small, no husband yet can bear: 'Tis now the nauseous cant, that none is fair, Unless her thoughts in Attic terms she dress; A mere Cecropian of a Sulmoness! 275 All now is Greek: in Greek their souls they pour, In Greek their fears, hopes, joys;--what would you more? In Greek they clasp their lovers. We allow These fooleries to girls: but thou, O thou, Who tremblest on the verge of eighty-eight, 280 To Greek it still!--'tis, now, a day too late. Foh! how it savors of the dregs of lust, When an old hag, whose blandishments disgust, Affects the infant lisp, the girlish squeak, And mumbles out,
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My life!
human
My soul! in Greek! 285 Words, which the secret sheets alone should hear, But which she trumpets in the public ear. And words, indeed, have power--But though she woo In softer strains than e'er Carpophorus knew, Her wrinkles still employ her favorite's cares; 290 And while she murmurs love, he counts her years! But tell me;--if thou CANST NOT love a wife, Made thine by every tie, and thine for life, Why wed at all? why waste the wine and cakes, The queasy-stomached guest, at parting, takes? 295 And the rich present, which the bridal right Claims for the favors of the happy night? The charger, where, triumphantly inscrolled, The Dacian Hero shines in current gold! If thou CANST love, and thy besotted mind 300 Is, so uxoriously, to one inclined, Then bow thy neck, and with submissive air Receive the yoke--thou must forever wear. To a fond spouse a wife no mercy shows:-- Though warmed with equal fires, she mocks his woes, 305 And triumphs in his spoils: her wayward will Defeats his bliss, and turns his good to ill! Naught must be given, if she opposes; naught, If she opposes, must be sold or bought; She tells him where to love, and where to hate, } 310 Shuts out the ancient friend, whose beard his gate } Knew, from its downy to its hoary state: } And when pimps, parasites, of all degrees Have power to will their fortunes as they please, She dictates his; and impudently dares 315 To name his very rivals for his heirs!
gpt
Go, crucify that slave. For what offense? Who the accuser? Where the evidence? For when the life of MAN is in debate, No time can be too long, no care too great; 320 Hear all, weigh all with caution, I advise--
human
Thou sniveler! is a slave a MAN? she cries.
gpt
He's innocent! be't so:--'tis my command, My will; let that, sir, for a reason stand. Thus the virago triumphs, thus she reigns: 325 Anon she sickens of her first domains, And seeks for new; husband on husband takes, Till of her bridal veil one rent she makes. Again she tires, again for change she burns, And to the bed she lately left returns, 330 While the fresh garlands, and unfaded boughs, Yet deck the portal of her wondering spouse. Thus swells the list; EIGHT HUSBANDS IN FIVE YEARS: A rare inscription for their sepulchres! While your wife's mother lives, expect no peace. 335 She teaches her, with savage joy, to fleece A bankrupt spouse: kind creature! she befriends The lover's hopes, and, when her daughter sends An answer to his prayer, the style inspects, Softens the cruel, and the wrong corrects: 340 Experienced bawd! she blinds, or bribes all eyes, And brings the adulterer, in despite of spies. And now the farce begins; the lady falls
human
Sick, sick, oh! sick; and for the doctor calls: Sweltering she lies, till the dull visit's o'er, 345 While the rank lecher, at the closet door Lurking in silence, maddens with delay, And in his own impatience melts away. Nor count it strange: What mother e'er was known To teach severer morals than her own?-- 350 No;--with their daughters' lusts they swell their stores, And thrive as bawds when out of date as whores! Women support the BAR; they love the law, And raise litigious questions for a straw; They meet in private, and prepare the Bill, 355 Draw up the Instructions with a lawyer's skill, Suggest to Celsus where the merits lie, And dictate points for statement or reply. Nay, more, they FENCE! who has not marked their oil, Their purple rugs, for this preposterous toil? 360 Room for the lady--lo! she seeks the list, And fiercely tilts at her antagonist, A post! which, with her buckler, she provokes, And bores and batters with repeated strokes; Till all the fencer's art can do she shows, 365 And the glad master interrupts her blows. O worthy, sure, to head those wanton dames, Who foot it naked at the Floral games; Unless, with nobler daring, she aspire, And tempt the arena's bloody field--for hire! 370 What sense of shame is to that female known, Who envies our pursuits, and hates her own? Yet would she not, though proud in arms to shine (True woman still), her sex for ours resign; For there's a thing she loves beyond compare, 375 And we, alas! have no advantage there.-- Heavens! with what glee a husband must behold His wife's accoutrements, in public, sold; And auctioneers displaying to the throng Her crest, her belt, her gauntlet, and her thong! 380 Or, if in wilder frolics she engage, And take her private lessons for the stage, Then three-fold rapture must expand his breast, To see her greaves
gpt
with the rest. Yet these are they, the tender souls! who sweat 385 In muslin, and in silk expire with heat.-- Mark, with what force, as the full blow descends, She thunders
human
again, how low she bends Beneath the opposer's stroke; how firm she rests, Poised on her hams, and every step contests: 390 How close tucked up for fight, behind, before, Then laugh--to see her squat, when all is o'er! Daughters of Lepidus, and Gurges old, And blind Metellus, did ye e'er behold Asylla (though a fencer's trull confess'd) 395 Tilt at a stake, thus impudently dress'd! 'Tis night; yet hope no slumbers with your wife; The nuptial bed is still the scene of strife: There lives the keen debate, the clamorous brawl, And quiet
gpt
400 Fierce as a tigress plundered of her young, Rage fires her breast, and loosens all her tongue, When, conscious of her guilt, she feigns to groan, And chides your loose amours, to hide her own; Storms at the scandal of your baser flames, 405 And weeps her injuries from imagined names, With tears that, marshaled, at their station stand, And flow impassioned, as she gives command. You think those showers her true affection prove, And deem yourself--so happy in her love! 410 With fond caresses strive her heart to cheer, And from her eyelids suck the starting tear: --But could you now examine the scrutore Of this most loving, this most jealous whore, What amorous lays, what letters would you see, 415 Proofs, damning proofs, of her sincerity! But these are doubtful--Put a clearer case: Suppose her taken in a loose embrace, A slave's or knight's. Now, my Quintilian, come, And fashion an excuse. What! are you dumb? 420 Then, let the lady speak.
human
Was't not agreed The MAN might please himself? It was; proceed.
gpt
Then, so may I --O, Jupiter!
human
No oath: MAN is a general term, and takes in both. When once surprised, the sex all shame forego; 425 And more audacious, as more guilty, grow. Whence shall these prodigies of vice be traced? From wealth, my friend. Our matrons then were chaste, When days of labor, nights of short repose, Hands still employed the Tuscan wool to tose, 430 Their husbands armed, and anxious for the State, And Carthage hovering near the Colline gate, Conspired to keep all thoughts of ill aloof, And banished vice far from their lowly roof. Now, all the evils of long peace are ours; 435 Luxury, more terrible than hostile powers, Her baleful influence wide around has hurled, And well avenged the subjugated world! --Since Poverty, our better Genius, fled, Vice, like a deluge, o'er the State has spread. 440 Now, shame to Rome! in every street are found The essenced Sybarite, with roses crowned, The gay Miletan, and the Tarentine, Lewd, petulant, and reeling ripe with wine! Wealth first, the ready pander to all sin, 445 Brought foreign manners, foreign vices in; Enervate wealth, and with seductive art, Sapped every homebred virtue of the heart; Yes, every:--for what cares the drunken dame (Take head or tail, to her 'tis just the same), 450 Who, at deep midnight, on fat oysters sups, And froths with unguents her Falernian cups; Who swallows oceans, till the tables rise, And double lustres dance before her eyes! Thus flushed, conceive, as Tullia homeward goes, 455 With what contempt she tosses up her nose At Chastity's hoar fane! what impious jeers Collatia pours in Maura's tingling ears! Here stop their litters, here they all alight, And squat together in the goddess' sight:-- 460 You pass, aroused at dawn your court to pay, The loathsome scene of their licentious play. Who knows not now, my friend, the secret rites Of the GOOD GODDESS; when the dance excites The boiling blood; when, to distraction wound, 465 By wine, and music's stimulating sound, The mænads of Priapus, with wild air, Howl horrible, and toss their flowing hair! Then, how the wine at every pore o'erflows! How the eye sparkles! how the bosom glows! 470 How the cheek burns! and, as the passions rise, How the strong feeling bursts in eager cries!-- Saufeia now springs forth, and tries a fall With the town prostitutes, and throws them all; But yields, herself, to Medullina, known 475 For parts, and powers, superior to her own. Maids, mistresses, alike the contest share, And 'tis not always birth that triumphs there. Nothing is feigned in this accursed game: 'Tis genuine all; and such as would inflame 480 The frozen age of Priam, and inspire The ruptured, bedrid Nestor with desire. Stung with their mimic feats, a hollow groan Of lust breaks forth; the sex, the sex is shown! And one loud yell re-echoes through the den, 485
gpt
Now, now, 'tis lawful! now admit the men! There's none arrived.
human
Not yet! then scour the street, And bring us quickly, here, the first you meet. There's none abroad.
gpt
Then fetch our slaves. They're gone.
human
Then hire a waterman. There's none.
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Not one! -- 490 Nature's strong barrier scarcely now restrains The baffled fury in their boiling veins! And would to heaven our ancient rites were free!-- But Africa and India, earth and sea, Have heard, what singing-wench produced his ware, 495 Vast as two Anti Catos, there, even there, Where the he-mouse, in reverence, lies concealed, And every picture of a male is veiled. And who was THEN a scoffer? who despised The simple rites by infant Rome devised, 500 The wooden bowl of pious Numa's day, The coarse brown dish, and pot of homely clay? Now, woe the while! religion's in its wane; And daring Clodii swarm in every fane. I hear, old friends, I hear you:
human
Make all sure: 505 Let spies surround her, and let bolts secure. But who shall KEEP THE KEEPERS? Wives contemn Our poor precautions, and begin with THEM. Lust is the master passion; it inflames, Alike, both high and low; alike, the dames, 510 Who, on tall Syrians' necks, their pomp display, And those who pick, on foot, their miry way. Whene'er Ogulnia to the Circus goes, To emulate the rich, she hires her clothes, Hires followers, friends, and cushions; hires a chair, 515 A nurse, and a trim girl, with golden hair, To slip her billets:--prodigal and poor, She wastes the wreck of her paternal store On smooth-faced wrestlers; wastes her little all, And strips her shivering mansion to the wall! 520 There's many a woman knows distress at home; Not one who feels it, and, ere ruin come, To her small means conforms. Taught by the ant, Men sometimes guard against the extreme of want, And stretch, though late, their providential fears, 525 To food and raiment for their future years: But women never see their wealth decay; With lavish hands they scatter night and day, As if the gold, with vegetative power, Would spring afresh, and bloom from hour to hour; 530 As if the mass its present size would keep, And no expense reduce the eternal heap. Others there are, who centre all their bliss In the soft eunuch, and the beardless kiss: They need not from his chin avert their face, 535 Nor use abortive drugs, for his embrace. But oh! their joys run high, if he be formed, When his full veins the fire of love has warmed; When every part's to full perfection reared, And naught of manhood wanting, but the beard. 540 But should the dame in music take delight, The public singer is disabled quite: In vain the prætor guards him all he can; She slips the buckle, and enjoys her man. Still in her hand his instrument is found, 545 Thick set with gems, that shed a lustre round; Still o'er his lyre the ivory quill she flings, Still runs divisions on the trembling strings, The trembling strings, which the loved Hedymel Was wont to strike--so sweetly, and so well! 550 These still she holds, with these she soothes her woes, And kisses on the dear, dear wire bestows. A noble matron of the Lamian line Inquired of Janus (offering meal and wine) If Pollio, at the Harmonic Games, would speed, 555 And wear the oaken crown, the victor's meed! What could she for a husband, more, have done, What for an only, an expiring son? Yes; for a harper, the besotted dame Approached the altar, reckless of her fame, 560 And veiled her head, and, with a pious air, Followed the Aruspex through the form of prayer; And trembled, and turned pale, as he explored The entrails, breathless for the fatal word! But, tell me, father Janus, if you please, 565 Tell me, most ancient of the deities, Is your attention to such suppliants given? If so--there is not much to do in heaven! For a comedian, this consults your will, For a tragedian, that; kept standing, still, 570 By this eternal route, the wretched priest Feels his legs swell, and dies to be releas'd. But let her rather sing, than roam the streets, And thrust herself in every crowd she meets; Chat with great generals, though her lord be there, 575 With lawless eye, bold front, and bosom bare. She, too, with curiosity o'erflows, And all the news of all the world she knows; Knows what in Scythia, what in Thrace is done; The secrets of the step-dame and the son; 580 Who speeds, and who is jilted: and can swear, } Who made the widow pregnant, when and where, } And what she said, and how she frolicked there.-- } She first espied the star, whose baleful ray, O'er Parthia, and Armenia, shed dismay: 585 She watches at the gates, for news to come, And intercepts it, as it enters Rome; Then, fraught with full intelligence, she flies Through every street, and, mingling truth with lies, Tells how Niphates bore down every mound, 590 And poured his desolating flood around; How earth, convulsed, disclosed its caverns hoar, And cities trembled, and--were seen no more! And yet this itch, though never to be cured, Is easier, than her cruelty, endured. 595 Should a poor neighbor's dog but discompose Her rest a moment, wild with rage she grows;
gpt
Ho! whips, she cries,
human
gpt
But flay that rascal there, who owns him, first. Dangerous to meet while in these frantic airs, 600 And terrible to look at, she prepares To bathe at night; she issues her commands, And in long ranks forth poor the obedient bands, With tubs, cloths, oils:--for 'tis her dear delight To sweat in clamor, tumult, and affright. 605 When her tired arms refuse the balls to ply, And the lewd bath-keeper has rubbed her dry, She calls to mind each miserable guest, Long since with hunger, and with sleep oppress'd, And hurries home; all glowing, all athirst, 610 For wine, whole flasks of wine! and swallows, first, Two quarts, to clear her stomach, and excite A ravenous, an unbounded appetite! Huisch! up it comes, good heavens! meat, drink, and all, And flows in purple torrents round the hall; 615 Or a gilt ewer receives the foul contents, And poisons all the house with vinous scents. So, dropp'd into a vat, a snake is said To drink and spew:--the husband turns his head, Sick to the soul, from this disgusting scene, 620 And struggles to suppress his rising spleen. But she is more intolerable yet, Who plays the critic when at table set; Calls Virgil charming, and attempts to prove Poor Dido right, in venturing all for love. 625 From Maro, and Mæonides, she quotes The striking passages, and, while she notes Their beauties and defects, adjusts her scales, And accurately weighs which bard prevails. The astonished guests sit mute: grammarians yield, 630 Loud rhetoricians, baffled, quit the field; Even auctioneers and lawyers stand aghast, And not a woman speaks!--So thick, and fast, The wordy shower descends, that you would swear A thousand bells were jangling in your ear, 635 A thousand basins clattering. Vex no more Your trumpets and your timbrels, as of yore, To ease the laboring moon; her single yell Can drown their clangor, and dissolve the spell. She lectures too in Ethics, and declaims 640 On the CHIEF GOOD!--but, surely, she who aims To seem too learn'd, should take the male array; A hog, due offering, to Sylvanus slay, And, with the Stoic's privilege, repair To farthing baths, and strip in public there! 645 Oh, never may the partner of my bed With subtleties of logic stuff her head; Nor whirl her rapid syllogisms around, Nor with imperfect enthymemes confound! Enough for me, if common things she know, 650 And boast the little learning schools bestow. I hate the female pedagogue, who pores O'er her Palæmon hourly; who explores All modes of speech, regardless of the sense, But tremblingly alive to mood and tense: 655 Who puzzles me with many an uncouth phrase, From some old canticle of Numa's days; Corrects her country friends, and can not hear Her husband solecize without a sneer! A woman stops at nothing, when she wears 660 Rich emeralds round her neck, and in her ears Pearls of enormous size; these justify Her faults, and make all lawful in her eye. Sure, of all ills with which mankind are curs'd, A wife who brings you money is the worst. 665 Behold! her face a spectacle appears, Bloated, and foul, and plastered to the ears With viscous paste:--the husband looks askew, And sticks his lips in this detested glue. She meets the adulterer bathed, perfumed, and dress'd, 670 But rots in filth at home, a very pest! For him she breathes of nard; for him alone She makes the sweets of Araby her own; For him, at length, she ventures to uncase, Scales the first layer of roughcast from her face, 675 And, while the maids to know her now begin, Clears, with that precious milk, her frouzy skin, For which, though exiled to the frozen main, She'd lead a drove of asses in her train! But tell me yet; this thing, thus daubed and oiled, 680 Thus poulticed, plastered, baked by turns and boiled, Thus with pomatums, ointments, lackered o'er, Is it a FACE, Ursidius, or a SORE? 'Tis worth a little labor to survey Our wives more near and trace 'em through the day. 685 If, dreadful to relate! the night foregone, The husband turned his back, or lay alone, All, all is lost; the housekeeper is stripped, The tiremaid chidden, and the chairman whipped: Rods, cords, and thongs avenge the master's sleep, 690 And force the guiltless house to wake and weep. There are, who hire a beadle by the year, To lash their servants round; who, pleased to hear The eternal thong, bid him lay on, while they, At perfect ease, the silkman's stores survey, 695 Chat with their female gossips, or replace The cracked enamel on their treacherous face. No respite yet:--they leisurely hum o'er The countless _items_ of the day before, And bid him still lay on; till, faint with toil, 700 He drops the scourge; when, with a rancorous smile,
human
Begone! they thunder in a horrid tone,
gpt
Now your accounts are settled, rogues, begone! But should she wish with nicer care to dress, And now the hour of assignation press 705 (Whether the adulterer for her coming wait In Isis' fane, to bawdry consecrate, Or in Lucullus' walks), the house appears A true Sicilian court, all gloom and tears. The wretched Psecas, for the whip prepared, 710 With locks disheveled, and with shoulders bared, Attempts her hair: fire flashes from her eyes, And,
human
Strumpet! why this curl so high? she cries. Instant the lash, without remorse, is plied, And the blood stains her bosom, back, and side. 715 But why this fury?--Is the girl to blame, If your air shocks you, or your features shame? Another, trembling, on the left prepares To open and arrange the straggling hairs In ringlets trim: meanwhile, the council meet: 720 And first the nurse, a personage discreet, Late from the toilet to the wheel removed (The effect of time), yet still of taste approved, Gives her opinion: then the rest, in course, As age, or practice, lends their judgment force. 725 So warm they grow, and so much pains they take, You'd think her honor or her life at stake! So high they build her head, such tiers on tiers, With wary hands, they pile, that she appears, Andromache, before:--and what behind? 730 A dwarf, a creature of a different kind.-- Meanwhile, engrossed by these important cares, She thinks not on her lord's distress'd affairs, Scarce on himself; but leads a separate life, As if she were his neighbor, not his wife? 735 Or, but in this--that all control she braves; Hates where he loves, and squanders where he saves. Room for Bellona's frantic votaries! room For Cybele's mad enthusiasts! lo, they come! A lusty semivir, whose part obscene, 740 A broken shell has severed smooth and clean, A raw-boned, mitred priest, whom the whole choir Of curtailed priestlings reverence and admire, Enters, with his wild rout; and bids the fair Of autumn, and its sultry blasts, beware, 745 Unless she lustrate, with an hundred eggs, Her household straight:--then, impudently begs Her cast-off clothes, that every plague they fear May enter them, and expiate all the year! But lo! another tribe! at whose command, 750 See her, in winter, near the Tiber stand, Break the thick ice, and, ere the sun appears, Plunge in the crashing eddy to the ears; Then, shivering from the keen and eager breeze, Crawl round the banks, on bare and bleeding knees. 755 Should milkwhite Iö bid, from Meroë's isle She'd fetch the sunburnt waters of the Nile, To sprinkle in her fane; for she, it seems, Has heavenly visitations in her dreams-- Mark the pure soul, with whom the gods delight 760 To hold high converse at the noon of night! For this she cherishes, above the rest, Her Iö's favorite priest, a knave profess'd, A holy hypocrite, who strolls abroad, With his Anubis, his dog-headed god! 765 Girt by a linen-clad, a bald-pate crew Of howling vagrants, who their cries renew In every street, as up and down they run, To find OSIRE, fit father to fit son! He sues for pardon, when the liquorish dame 770 Abstains not from the interdicted game On high and solemn days; for great the crime, To stain the nuptial couch at such a time, And great the atonement due;--the silver snake, Abhorrent of the deed, was seen to quake! 775 Yet he prevails:--Osiris hears his prayers, And, softened by a goose, the culprit spares. Without her badge, a Jewess now draws near, And, trembling, begs a trifle in her ear. No common personage! she knows full well 780 The laws of Solyma, and she can tell The dark decrees of heaven; a priestess she, An hierarch of the consecrated tree! Moved by these claims thus modestly set forth, She gives her a few coins of little worth; 785 For Jews are moderate, and, for farthing fees, Will sell what fortune, or what dreams you please. The prophetess dismissed, a Syrian sage Now enters, and explores the future page, In a dove's entrails: there he sees express'd 790 A youthful lover: there, a rich bequest, From some kind dotard: then a chick he takes, And in its breast, and in a puppy's, rakes, And sometimes in--an infant's: he will teach The art to others, and, when taught, impeach! 795 But chiefly in Chaldeans she believes: Whate'er they say, with reverence she receives, As if from Hammon's secret fount it came; Since Delphi now, if we may credit fame, Gives no responses, and a long dark night 800 Conceals the future hour from mortal sight. Of these, the chief (such credit guilt obtains!) Is he, who, banished oft, and oft in chains, Stands forth the veriest knave; he who foretold The death of Galba--to his rival sold! 805 No juggler must for fame or profit hope, Who has not narrowly escaped the rope; Begged hard for exile, and, by special grace, Obtained confinement in some desert place.-- To him your Tanaquil applies, in doubt 810 How long her jaundiced mother may hold out; But first, how long her husband: next, inquires, When she shall follow, to their funeral pyres, Her sisters, and her uncles; last, if fate Will kindly lengthen out the adulterer's date 815 Beyond her own;--content, if he but live, And sure that heaven has nothing more to give! Yet she may still be suffered; for, what woes The louring aspect of old Saturn shows; Or in what sign bright Venus ought to rise, 820 To shed her mildest influence from the skies; Or what fore-fated month to gain is given, And what to loss (the mysteries of heaven), She knows not, nor pretends to know: but flee The dame, whose Manual of Astrology 825 Still dangles at her side, smooth as chafed gum, And fretted by her everlasting thumb!-- Deep in the science now, she leaves her mate To go, or stay; but will not share his fate, Withheld by trines and sextiles; she will look, 830 Before her chair be ordered, in the book, For the fit hour; an itching eye endure, Nor, till her scheme be raised, attempt the cure; Nay, languishing in bed, receive no meat, Till Petosyris bid her rise and eat. 835 The curse is universal: high and low Are mad alike the future hour to know. The rich consult a Babylonian seer, Skilled in the mysteries of either sphere; Or a gray-headed priest, hired by the state, 840 To watch the lightning, and to expiate. The middle sort, a quack, at whose command They lift the forehead, and make bare the hand; While the sly lecher in the table pries, And claps it wantonly, with gloating eyes. 845 The poor apply to humbler cheats, still found Beside the Circus wall, or city mound; While she, whose neck no golden trinket bears, To the dry ditch, or dolphin's tower, repairs, And anxiously inquires which she shall choose, 850 The tapster, or old-clothes man? which refuse? Yet these the pangs of childbirth undergo, And all the yearnings of a mother know; These, urged by want, assume the nurse's care, And learn to breed the children which they bear. 855 Those shun both toil and danger; for, though sped, The wealthy dame is seldom brought to bed: Such the dire power of drugs, and such the skill They boast, to cause miscarriages at will! Weep'st thou? O fool! the blest invention hail, 860 And give the potion, if the gossips fail; For, should thy wife her nine months' burden bear, An Æthiop's offspring might thy fortunes heir; A sooty thing, fit only to affray, And, seen at morn, to poison all the day! 865 Supposititious breeds, the hope and joy Of fond, believing husbands, I pass by; The beggars' bantlings, spawned in open air, And left by some pond side, to perish there.-- From hence your Flamens, hence your Salians come; 870 Your Scauri, chiefs and magistrates of Rome! Fortune stands tittering by, in playful mood, And smiles, complacent, on the sprawling brood; Takes them all naked to her fostering arms, Feeds from her mouth, and in her bosom warms: 875 Then, to the mansions of the great she bears The precious brats, and, for herself, prepares A secret farce; adopts them for her own: And, when her nurslings are to manhood grown, She brings them forth, rejoiced to see them sped, 880 And wealth and honors dropping on their head! Some purchase charms, some, more pernicious still, Thessalian philters, to subdue the will Of an uxorious spouse, and make him bear Blows, insults, all a saucy wife can dare. 885 Hence that swift lapse to second childhood; hence Those vapors which envelop every sense; This strange forgetfulness from hour to hour; And well, if this be all:--more fatal power, More terrible effects, the dose may have, 890 And force you, like Caligula, to rave, When his Cæsonia squeezed into the bowl The dire excrescence of a new-dropp'd foal.-- Then Uproar rose; the universal chain Of Order snapped, and Anarchy's wild reign 895 Came on apace, as if the queen of heaven Had fired the Thunderer, and to madness driven. Thy mushroom, Agrippine! was innocent, To this accursed draught; that only sent One palsied, bedrid sot, with gummy eyes, 900 And slavering lips, heels foremost to the skies: This, to wild fury roused a bloody mind, And called for fire and sword; this potion joined In one promiscuous slaughter high and low, And leveled half the nation at a blow. 905 Such is the power of philters! such the ill, One sorceress can effect by wicked skill! They hate their husband's spurious issue:--this, If this were all, were not, perhaps, amiss: But they go farther; and 'tis now some time 910 Since poisoning sons-in-law scarce seemed a crime. Mark then, ye fatherless! what I advise, And trust, O, trust no dainties, if you're wise: Ye heirs to large estates! touch not that fare, Your mother's fingers have been busy there; 915 See! it looks livid, swollen:--O check your haste, And let your wary fosterfather taste, Whate'er she sets before you: fear her meat, And be the first to look, the last to eat. But this is fiction all! I pass the bound 920 Of Satire, and encroach on Tragic ground! Deserting truth, I choose a fabled theme, And, like the buskined bards of Greece, declaim, In deep-mouthed tones, in swelling strains, on crimes As yet unknown to our Rutulian climes! 925 Would it were so! but Pontia cries aloud,
gpt
No, I performed it. See! the fact's avowed--
human
I mingled poison for my children, I; 'Twas found upon me, wherefore then deny? What, two at once, most barbarous viper! two! 930
gpt
Nay, seven, had seven been mine: believe it true!