human
Barkeep, you're the defendant, an' for the purposes of the forthcomin' action your name's John Doe. You four other characters are the jury, an' that don't leave nothin' for me to be except plaintiff, prosecutin' attorney, judge, an' court bailiff. Jerking his gun from its holster the cowboy grasped it by the barrel and rapped loudly upon the bar:
gpt
O yes! O yes! You bet! Court is now open! The first case on the docket is Horatio Benton, alias Tex, _vs._ John Doe, John Doe's brother, an' the Red Front saloon _et al._
human
Hey, what's all this here damn nonsense about?
gpt
Silence in the court! he roared.
human
An' what's more, you're fined one round of drinks for contempt of court. Taking a match from his pocket he laid it carefully upon the bar, and continued:
gpt
The plaintiff will take the stand in his own behalf. Gentlemen of the jury, the facts are these: One year ago today, along about 3:30 P.M., I walked up to this bar an' had five drinks, one of which was on the house an' four on me at two bits a throw. I was packin' a couple of black eyes, the particulars of which is extramundane to this case, an' the barkeep, defendant here's alleged brother, asked certain pertinent an' unmitigated questions concernin' the aforesaid black eyes. In explainin' to him how they were come by, I had occasion to take a shot at a mouse--the bullet hole, an' doubtless his dried-up remains can be seen yonder against the base-board an' constitutes Exhibit A----
human
Well, I'll be damned! exclaimed Shorty, his china blue eyes round with excitement,
gpt
I know'd I'd saw you before!
human
Me, too, we was settin' there playin'----
gpt
You, Green Vest, you're fined a round of drinks for contempt of court. An' Shorty, you're fined two rounds. Not that there's any doubt about your first statement, but this here _profanus vulgus_ business has got to be cut out. Depositing three more matches beside the first upon the bar, the Texan proceeded:
human
Shortly thereafter, an' right in the middle of my remarks the said barkeep disembarked in tumultuous haste, like he'd be'n sent for an' had to go. I waited around a spell an' not favorin' this spot for a permanent abode, I laid a five dollar gold piece on the bar, an' rode off. Therefore, gentlemen of the jury, it's plain to see that I've got four dollars comin', as an offset to which the present specimen, here, has got a just an' valid claim fer two rounds of drinks to the total value of two dollars an' four bits, leavin' a dollar an' four bits still owin' to me. The case is now closed, owin' to any testimony the defendant, here, might introduce, would be mere hearsay an' therefore irrelevant an' immaterial, he havin' admitted he wasn't here at the time. Now, gentlemen of the jury, what's your verdict?