human
Why do you take a pleasure in making me unhappy? he asked.
gpt
Why do you try to make me look ridiculous, and feel as if I'd done something ungentlemanly? I'm not ridiculous, and I'm not aware of having done anything ungentlemanly. The subject is a very difficult one for me even to touch on with you; but I'm acting from honest motives and on an honest conviction.
human
Whenever I've acted from honest motives and on honest convictions, people have all combined to make me unhappy, Major Merriam.
gpt
I'm sincerely, deeply sorry for that, and I don't defend it. Still, the cases are not the same.
human
Why aren't they?
gpt
Because you wanted to do what you did. No doubt you were convinced you had the right, but you wanted to, besides. Now I don't want to do what I'm doing. That's the difference. I want it less and less every hour I spend with you--in spite of your being so disagreeable.
human
You're not consistent. You say you like people to act up to their convictions; you feel wronged when people blame you for acting up to your convictions. Yet you punish me for acting up to mine. Will you let me put the thing before you frankly--since we're to part, probably for good, to-morrow?
gpt
Yes, you can say what you like--since we're to part to-morrow.
human
Mine isn't the absurd idea you think it is, and I'm not the grandmother you try to make me out. I'm going to be called on to serve the King in a position of great responsibility, where my example and my standards will affect many lives. I must be true to my responsibilities as I see them. If I did what my feelings incline me to do--pray believe that I assume nothing as to yours--I shouldn't be true to them. Because in the regiment you wouldn't be understood--neither your position nor your convictions. What do most officers' wives, and what do most young men in the army, know about the sort of society or the sort of speculations which produce convictions like yours? They would neither understand nor appreciate them. And if they didn't--well, what opinion must they hold about you? And what effect would that opinion have? I don't speak of your position--that would be for you to consider--but what effect would it have on my position and my influence?
gpt
They'd just put me down as an ordinary--an ordinary bad woman?
human
Let's say the ordinary case of a woman who has made a scandal. Because I agree with you in thinking that such a woman needn't be a bad woman. But even when she's not bad, she may in certain positions be injurious to the commonwealth--and a regiment's a commonwealth. I'm not clever, as my brother is. I'm not likely ever to get a bigger job than this. It'll be the most important trust I shall get, I expect. I want to be loyal to it. I'm being loyal to it at a great cost to me--yes, a great cost now. And you try to make me look ridiculous! Well, let that pass. Only, feeling as I do, I want to put myself right in your eyes, before we say good-bye.
gpt
I'm sorry I tried to make you look ridiculous. Is that enough, Major Merriam?
human
It's something, he smiled.
gpt
But couldn't you go so far as not to think me ridiculous?
human
Have I got to think the officers' wives and the subalterns not ridiculous too?
gpt
I can leave that to your later reflections. They're not going to part from you to-morrow, and they don't care so much about your good opinion.
human
No, I don't think you ridiculous any more. She spoke now slowly and thoughtfully.
gpt
I didn't understand. I see better what you mean and feel now. Only understanding other people doesn't make the world seem any easier! But I think I do understand. The King pays you for your life, and you're bound to give it, not only in war, if that's required of you, but in peace too--is it something like that?
human
Yes, that's the sort of thing it is. Thank you.
gpt
And you mustn't do anything that makes the life he's bought less valuable to him either in war or peace?
human
Yes, that's it too.
gpt
In fact, you've sold yourself right out and quite irrevocably?
human
Ah, well, that's not quite the way I should put it. We Merriams have always done it.
gpt
Hereditary slaves! smiled Winnie.
human
It's really rather like marriage, as Cyril conceived it. You mustn't have another wife. The regiment's yours. It would be bigamy!
gpt
Charming people can talk great nonsense,
human
We're veering round in this discussion. Now you're making out that I'm ridiculous!
gpt
Six days ago I didn't care particularly about you, but I should have married you if you'd asked me.
human
So you told me why I'd better not ask you? Yes?
gpt
Now I like you very particularly, but nothing on earth would induce me to marry you, said Winnie. She shot a quick glance of raillery at him.
human
So, if you're struggling, you needn't struggle.
gpt
I am struggling rather, Winnie.
human
To-morrow ends it.
gpt
Yes, but what's going to happen to you?
human
That's become rather more difficult to answer than it used to be. She rose from her chair.
gpt
But now I'm going in, to beg the General's pardon for having been so naughty.
human
I'm half sorry it's so utterly impossible all round,
gpt
Now I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself,
human
Oh, my dear, you needn't be. Here we are, two small puzzled things, together on this beautiful night for just a little while, and then a long way from one another for ever! And we've done nothing very dreadful. Just what you like in me has kissed me, and just what I like in you has kissed you, and wished you God-speed, and been sorry for the trouble I've made, and told you how much I hope for you and your dear regiment. I'm glad you did it, and I'm glad I did it. Surely it makes us friends for always that our lips have met like that?
gpt
I'll give it all up if you ask me, Winnie.
human
No, no. I've been learning to think how one will feel about things to-morrow. Forget you said that. You don't really mean it.
gpt
No, I didn't really mean it. I beg your pardon.
human
I bear you no malice. I liked you to think it for just a minute. It's all over. She smiled reassuringly.
gpt
But I shall remember--and like to remember. Everything of me won't leave you, nor everything of you leave me now, to-morrow--not absolutely everything. Well, it never does, with people you've met intimately, I think. But what you leave to me is all good. I was getting hard. This glimpse of you as you really are has stopped it. Dear friend, kiss me once again, and so good-bye.
human
Let's go in now,