human
And I shall be alone with Jack,
gpt
Yes, said the other. Then, after a pause:
human
You must have things to say to each other, Kit. Jack told Toby yesterday he had hardly had a word with you since you were ill.
gpt
I dread it, she said,
human
Ah, it's no use thinking over what you are going to say, said Lily.
gpt
You will say what you must, what you feel.
human
I don't know what I feel, said Kit.
gpt
Let us sit down; it is warm. And I want to talk to you.
human
I don't know what I feel,
gpt
Try to tell me as best you can,
human
Well, I won't be dishonest with myself, I am sure of that, said Kit.
gpt
Just now I have a horror of what--of what is past. But how can I know from what it springs? It may be only because the terrible consequences are still vivid to me. I have been wicked all my life--it is no use pretending otherwise. I have never tried to do good or to be good. Well, I get paid out for a bad thing I have done. Is it not most probable that I have a horror of it only because the punishment is very fresh to me?
human
That is something, said Lily.
gpt
If punishment makes you detest what you did, it is doing its work.
human
Ah, but the burglar who is caught doesn't detest burglary, really. He may not commit it again, but that is a very different matter. You beat a dog for chasing a cat; when it sees a cat next time, it probably will put its tail down, but you have not eradicated its tendencies, or changed its nature.
gpt
You are a good woman, Lily, she said.
human
You don't and you can't understand a person like me. Oh, my dear, I should never have got through it but for you! I want to be good--before God, I believe I want to be good, but I don't know what it means. I can only say that I will not do certain things again. But how feeble is that! I want to see Ted again--oh, how I want to!--but I believe that I want not to. Is that any good? I want to love Jack again. I did once, indeed I did, and I want him to love me. That is hopeless: he never will.