user since
Fri Oct 1 2004 at 13:34:42 (15.8 years ago )
last seen
Sat Jul 4 2020 at 19:39:58 (3.8 days ago )
number of write-ups
51 - View Auduster's writeups (feed)
level / experience
10 (Polymath) / 7396
C!s spent
506
categories maintained
auduster_root
most recent writeup
Keanu Reeves burnt out the clutch of my Volkswagen Caddy
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A note to e2 editors: I give you free discretion to correct any typos in any of my writeups if you feel the need... On the other hand, I am not particularly interested, so I'd prefer it if you don't msg me with such. Whatever floats your boat. One quick word of warning - if you turn one of my Anglicisms into an Americanism, I will hunt down whatever far off country you reside in (from American Samoa to Afghanistan), and with all the forces of hell and vengence I will smite you as you are on the edge of sleep. Balls shall be torn off, spit shall fall upon your urethra (with variations on a theme, gender permitting)... I am English!

More tea? Milk and two sugar?



Halspal: One of the first things that endeared me to E2 going on ten years ago was jessicapierce calling me a twat. This pushing niceness shit is for pussies.

Halspal: And no-one wants to hang out with pussies


"Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be." - The wisest man I've ever read.



Auduster woke up on a freezing February morning and considered his contribution to everything2.com. He'd written a barely significant handful of nodes (less than a Glowing fish or Mauler would often write in a single month). He'd argued extensively with the staff, for which alex would always hate him (although he liked to think some changes were the result of his constant badgering)... But what he'd really done was loiter in the catbox...

He considered his catbox chatter and realised that one day, in the distant past, he'd already said the funniest thing he would ever say in that small, badly designed, 7 centimeter by 7 centimeter window. At this point he had a burst of third-person, self-indulgent, monomania. He decided to preserve that snippet of wit on his homenode - for posterity.






and all is quiet...

Auduster I could comment on the latest cluster of edlogs...

Auduster But I think it's better to put it like this: I endorse everything Halspal is about to say about this...

Auduster If Halspal chooses not to say anything about this, I'd like to endorse what the Halspal you have in your head would say...

Auduster That is all.

Auduster If Halspal chooses to say something other than what I expect him to say.. I'd like to say BEWARE THE FALSE HALSPAL

Auduster This is also, all.

Auduster If Halspal chooses to read the archive, and uses the last five lines to modify what he would say: BAD HALSPAL.

Auduster This, really is, all.

Devon For God's sake.

Devon HE IS ONLY A MNA

Auduster Merchant Navy Association?

Auduster Midlands News Association?

Uberbanana Mildly Neurotic Anphibian?

Devon I FCKUING HATE YOU GUYS

DonJaime No way you can make MNA into that...

Auduster Really? Well, we have a lot of love for you Dev.. We do.

Uberbanana What does MNA stand for to you? Because when I see Mildly Neurotic Amphibian I think Kermit the Frog.

Auduster Pah... No imagination... I'm seeing one of those weird winged,6 legged, 3 eyed frogs that go "grrrimbit" because they got fed some hormone by accident.

Auduster Kermit would just look weird with 6 legs. How would he cross his legs when he sits on a stool?

Uberbanana Four strattle the stool, while the other two play the banjo.

Uberbanana Oooh, he could play two banjos!

DonJaime Aaargh! 2 banjoed Kermit! Apocalyptic vision of HELL!






In retrospect... It probably wasn't even all that funny, and it was certainly insular e2-centric mutual masturbation. Even further - DonJaime stole all the best lines! Auduster sat back, and considered a life totally wasted. That had been it, his moment, his audience, his setting... And an obnoxious Anglo-German ex-pat had taken it from him... "Well, we have a lot of love for you Dev", just wasn't worthy of a George Bernard Shaw. He looked at his hands, and realised they were no longer as young as they once were. He looked at his soul, and realised its fire had grown dim. He spent the rest of his days watching as his skin turned sallow, his bones became brittle, and the sun slowly exhausted its hydrogen.




From the founding father of the e2 community third person homenode organisation







/me misses the e2 annotation tool
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