The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, July 13, 2020
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Coalition Soldiers Key Saddam’s Storm

Iraq denies “key maneuver” successful, says farmers “sent U.S. packing.”

In a daring pre-dawn raid, U.S. soldiers from the 42nd halftrack and grave-digging battalion stormed one of President Saddam Hussein’s underground garages on the edges of Baghdad Monday. The soldiers scratched Hussein’s Geo Storm and then proceeded back to Baghdad International Airport.

Neighborhood residents complained about the excess noise. “They set off his car alarm,” said one resident. Hussein apparently never returned to turn the alarm off, severely inconveniencing neighbors.

According to General Tommy Franks, the raid was meant as a show of force. “We can go where we want, when we want,” he said. He added that “we have no evidence,” that coalition forces were responsible for Hussein’s car alarm going off. “It’s possible the noise was caused by Iraqi return fire.” Coalition planners said that while “we are doing our best to avoid inconveniencing Hussein’s neighbors, Coalition forces are determined to bring this war to him--in the most personal way possible.”

Franks said that only one coalition soldier was unaccounted for in the attack, and that they were reviewing procedure to determine the soldier’s fate.

Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf denied that U.S. forces were within Baghdad, or that they had keyed Saddam’s car. “The criminals are beatles clawing at the tombs of Kings”, said al-Sahaf. “Iraqi farmers turned back the criminals with pitchforks like the chaff they are. We killed them by the thousands. Mr. Hussein’s car is safe from the infidel criminals.”

According to al-Sahaf, the farmers were part of Iraq’s feared “Farmer Dean Saddam” unit, led by date farmer and fifth cousin on his mother’s side “Sugardate” Dean Saddam.

Coalition forces countered that “Sugardate Saddam has not been seen since coalition forces bombed his farmhouse. Credible forces say Farmer Saddam is dead.” Tommy Franks added that “it doesn’t really matter if he’s dead or not, we still control the garages of Iraq.”

Asked about Farmer Dean’s possible death, al-Sahaf said to “let them [bask] in their illusions. We will slaughter them, all those invaders. Their tombs shall be here in Iraq. The soldiers of Saddam will give them a lesson in [fertilizer] they will never forget.”

To prove that the supposedly keyed vehicle remained intact, al-Sahaf offered to let female journalists drive the vehicle after it had been cleaned up, “as long as you know how to drive a stick.”

  1. <- Bowling for Fiction
  2. Sliding Pregnancy ->
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