What was the funniest line of the week on Twitter?

Help us pick the funniest lines on Twitter this week

I hope by now you know the drill. Every week I curate the best lines I find on Twitter and you, the readers, nominate your favorites in comments by number with a brief description to refresh folks' memory  (try to limit your nominations to three). I then place the most nominated tweets into a click-poll runoff, and publish the winner in the Sunday paper. What a lot of fun we have!

1. How cool are you, on a scale of 1 to teacher sitting backwards on a chair?...Michael Dawson

2. The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys....Cole Is Laser Bear

3.  So liberating - just threw car keys into ocean. Glad they weren’t my car keys....Conan O'Brien 

 4. Before you decide whether or not to have children ask yourself if you're ready, but more importantly, if it will improve your brand....Ibid

5. I'd rather die penniless in a Dickensian debtors' prison than be the nightmare human who argues over a split check…. Julieanne Smolinski

6.  Some people will believe anything if you start with 'This is just between you and me'. …Ham on Wry

7.  Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin…… Fred

8.  Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!.... The Cat Whisperer

9. Once again someone with my face and no shame has eaten all the donuts….. crappystuffforjerks

10. Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry…. Dan Cronin

11.  I'm going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me…. Lucious McSoulglo

12. A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks: "Well I'm bored,let's go brush our teeth" in mid convo… Stash

13. Life tip: If you're curious if you've gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture….. Sass Mouth

14.  "Doctor Who Survived Ebola: 'God Saved My Life'." Yep. And I killed the hundreds of Africans who died of it, because screw them…. The Tweet Of God

15. This New York Times article about Citigroup ending its Japanese retail banking operations is such obvious clickbait….. Justin Shanes

16. When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me…. Jay X

17. “Someone peed here. Someone peed here. Someone peed here. Someone peed here. Someone peed here. Someone peed here.” --My dog when we go for a walk… The Robfather

18. Complaining about the Ice Bucket Challenge is doing a great job of raising awareness of how big of a (jerk)  you are. ….Damien Fahey

 

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