Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 175,300,946 Issue: 363 | 10th day of Collecting, Y10
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What Not to Believe When Reading About the Pound


by honshusan

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We all know the Neopian pound, a place where Neopians can find the perfect pet and where cruel owners can be rid of the ones they already have. Oh, and where not-so-cruel owners can now give their pets directly to good new owners with the transfer feature! Cool, right?

Anyway, many Neopians have written stories about the pound, but none have been too accurate. There have been stories told of awful food and cruel treatment, of harsh guards and drafty cages. I am Leven (a beautifully gorgeous Christmas Pteri) and I’m here today to open your eyes to the fiction in most stories about the pound. Today, you’ll see just how it really is in the pound, directly from someone who’s been in the place!

So, we begin here, with one of the most widespread rumors.

Myth 1: Dr. Death is/Guards are cruel to you.

I can tell you that this isn’t true from personal experience. He may be neglectful, but Dr. Death is not around enough to be cruel. He leads you to your cage and is gone. Where anyone got the idea that this guy is cruel is beyond me! The worst you have to worry about in the pound is those nasty pets that like bullying others. They’re the cruel ones, flicking your beak and pulling your tail feathers... Really, just try to walk without them tripping you up!

And contrary to popular belief, there are no guards. Believe me, Dr. Death is more than enough to get you to your cage. If you haven’t accepted your fate, you’d be too weak from sobbing to struggle out of his iron grip. Even if you haven’t been sobbing, man, that is one strong Techo!

And with that cleared, let’s move on to another common myth.

Myth 2: The cages are small/uncomfortable/unclean/drafty.

The cages aren’t particularly small, actually. It really depends upon your own size. As a Lenny (which I was while in the pound, though now I’m a glorious, wonderful, beautiful Pteri), the cages seemed kind of short, and my head bumped against the ceiling regularly, but there was plenty of room to walk around. Now for the many Skeiths in the pound, the cages may be cramped. And since they’re so common in the pound, a lot of them are stuck with little room to breathe. You can’t expect much comfort on a budget, but at least you’ll have a bed to sleep on while in there. Again, your size determines how comfortable the bed is. The place is pretty clean for having few volunteer to clean up. When I was in there, there wasn’t grime on the floor or anything.

Now, the part about draftiness is very true. In winter, you don’t want a cell with a window. However, on hot summer days, the place is like an oven with only the drafts to cool you. Don’t get the wrong idea, though; the walls may be drafty and seem weak, but they are strong enough to hold the most powerful of pets. This brings me to the next myth.

Myth 3: You can escape from the pound.

Sorry, no. The pound is an impenetrable fortress of pixels that no pet can pass through. Besides, how many neopets d’you suppose would be in there if you could escape? None, that’s how many. You can ask anyone and they’ll tell you that the pound is overcrowded. This wouldn’t be true if you could escape. And how many Neopets are on the streets nowadays? There’d be more if you could escape, I tell you!

The next myth is on an unrelated topic. What, do you think I can magically link them all together? I’m only a Pteri! I can only do so much! ...So to the next myth!

Myth 4: The food is terrible.

Read any story, look up any article, they’ll say the food is awful in the pound. This is not true! The truth is, there is no food in the pound! How many pets are adopted with full tummies? None, I tell you! You pretty much starve in there until you’re adopted! Of course the Grarrls and Skeiths get by with daily bites of mattress, but the rest of us, we’re on our own! Now, granted, the food described in most stories is quite within the buyable range for the Neopian pound’s budget, but why would they bother? Why should they bother? This is what I meant when I said Dr. Death was neglectful.

Myth 5: You’re allowed free time/any time at all out of your cage.

Uh, no! Why would we be let out of the cages? It’s not like the Neopians running the place care! Besides, that might make it easier to escape, right? And no one can escape from the pound. Didn’t you read Myth 3? That one says it. It’s in the Neopian Times, it must be true! Unless it’s something that this article is proving wrong! So instead of slowly convincing you that this article is inaccurate, let’s move on to the next myth!

Myth 6: Painted or limited edition pets can stay in the pound for more than a week/a day/an hour/5 minutes.

Yeah. Right. How many Neopian owners could resist that wonderful Draik, or that adorable baby Neopet? None at all! Really, when you see a painted pet in the pound, how long is it around? A millisecond or two, to answer that question. And a limited edition pet? Maybe a little longer if it’s a basic color or a pet that the common Poundsurfer doesn’t recognize as rare, but still not very long! If you try to get these Neopets, how often do you succeed? Rarely, unless you’re very fast and very lucky.

To conclude this article, I must ask that you never believe any of those rumors about the pound. When reading stories about it, remember that it’s pure fiction, that none of it is true. When following the story about the poor little Kiko rotting in the pound, say ‘Yeah right!’ and toss it aside. And that poor pet subjected to Dr. Death’s cruelty every waking hour? Don’t fall for that! In fact, you might as well not bother with reading any stories about the pound! They’re all LIES! NO, I WAS NOT PAID BY THEM! I'M--

Disclaimer: The above may contain pure opinion, obnoxious immature ranting, and complete nonsense. It may also contain little to no truth. Please do not hold the above against the owner of a misguided and selfish Pteri. Reading of the above may have caused severe confusion or mass boredom. This also can’t be held against the owner of the misguided and selfish Pteri. Trying to take up space? Who made you think that? I’m just making sure you’re informed of the dangers of reading this article. Is that a crime? Should I be sent to jail? Should I pass go? ... Er-hem... I think you understand...

 
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