Vol. 102,  No. 2
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Mar. 10,  2002

  PUBLISHER ARNETT PUTNEY, III
  SHOOTS EXECUTIVE EDITOR WIDEN
  LUNDALE, JR. IN SECRET DUEL!
“NOT
JUST
FOR
MONKEYS”

       In a secret duel held last Saturday out by the Used Tire Reclaiming Yards on the outskirts of Hellmouth, New Primate Nooz publisher Arnett Putney, III fired a bolt from an antique French crossbow, striking executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. on the left knee. The wounded Lundale dropped his weapon and collapsed on the ground, whimpering in apparent discomfort, according to the account given by Barney Breedglove, his new second.  Publisher Putney turned his back on the man who had heretofore been his closest confidante and most-trusted associate and stalked rapidly off, saying only “Don't be late on Monday.”
        Although Mr. Putney declared a news blackout on information about the duel, the Nooz has been informed that the two men had experienced a serious disagreement about advertising policies, and that Mr. Lundale had called the publisher a fathead, a name the senior executive has always taken exception to.  Mr. Putney was frequently referred to as a fathead when he attended sixth grade at Mt. Sydney Middle School, and he has developed quite a sensitivity about the name.  He was called other things too, like 'four-eyes' and 'dumpy' and 'peabrain,' but for some reason it was 'fathead' that really set him off.  Once he pushed a bullying kid who used the term into a zazu bush at the Hellmouth Botanic Gardens, and one time he stuffed some dermititus-causing leaves down the shirt of a fellow field-tripper on a school visit to Mt. Cheese- quake County Park.  His interest in botany was then already developing.
        When a challenge was issued for a duel to settle the matter, the two checked their leather-bound appointment books and discovered that they both had Saturday free from 3pm to 4pm, following a tennis match at the Hellmouth Tennis Club and preceding a social engagement at the Antlered Animals Lodge Hall.  Their drivers delivered them to the agreed-on place and carried their crossbows and bags of bolts.  The sun was just going behind a cloud when the two old friends stood back to back and paced off the correct distance, then turned and, raising the heavy crossbows, fired.
        And thus we have come to an uncertain crossroad in the life journey of these two publishing giants, an intersection of principle and disloyalty with no street signs around, between these two men who have blazed across the skies of primatology like Halley's Comet, lighting up the darkness in towns from Hummingbird Junction to Mary's Wells, and leaving only a slight smell of ozone in its wake.  It remains to be seen to what extent this formerly-brotherly pair can repair the damage of this falling-out and learn to work together again.  The rest of us here at the New Primate Nooz sincerely hope that they can, and we wish them good luck.
 
    BOUÉ NOT DEAD AFTER
    ALL, JUST PRACTICING
 
  RUSH-HOUR MOLASSES SPILL
  SNARLS TRAFFIC IN HELLMOUTH
(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  A giant two trailer combina-
tion truck carrying 500,000 gallons of prime West
Bahamian molasses, en route to Phoenix, became
trapped by a peculiar traffic circle in the center of
Hellmouth, and in the highly congested driving
conditions of rush-hour Friday the operator of the
truck panicked, overturning it in the process and
releasing its cargo of the black, sticky substance all
over the main streets surrounding the town square.
      Several cars immediately became stuck in the
thick streams of molasses as they inched their way
down the gentle slope of Vine St. in front of Joe's
Not So Bad Cafe, Win's Chinese Laundry and the
Hellmouth Hotel.  A state of emergency was de-
clared which was lifted only eight hours later.     
 
   SHAW ANNOUNCES
   NEW BOOK TOUR
(UPI)  Los Angeles, CA.  A spokesman for Potts,
Packer and Polthammer this week announced that
Mr. Christopher Shaw will be embarking on a book
tour that will include the following appearances:
May 2, Barnes and Goble, Little Pines, Arkansas;
May 3, Books'n'Things, Cuttersville, Texas;  May 4,
Discount Books, Great Goat, Ohio;  May 6, Simon's
Book Loft, Bear Claw, Alaska;  May 7, The Itty Bitty
Bookstore, Pangutch Junction, Utah;  May 10,
Nick's Nature Books, Coldwater, Kansas;  May 11,
The Book Emporium, Pickles, North Dakota; and
May 12, Book Depot, Stottlesboro, Vermont.  All of
Mr. Shaw's appearances will be at 7:30pm, except for
the one in Bear Claw, which will be at 6:30pm.
 
  The New Primate Nooz is published whenever the Iron Chef goes on vacation by those wily people down at the Takeshitahara Corporation, Kashihara Takeshitahara, CEO and General Manager. Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and Japan, and e-mailed to much of Africa, Asia and South America (except Costa Rica).  We are over-flowing with back issues and would like to get rid of them.  Please contact:  Back Issues, The New Primate Nooz, c/o The Hellmouth-
Nagasaki Friendship Association, 220 Pine St., Hellmouth, AZ or www.webnooz/backissues.
 
(Africa News)  Libreville, Gabon.  Nine years after a
major volcanic eruption apparently buried the Mako-
kou Bluetail Guenon Study Site in the cloudy, fault-
ridden Makanza Mountains region of Gabon, the
scratchy yet still strong voice of Dr. Professor Oon-
dóué M. Boué came unexpectedly last week over an
intermittently-working phone line from Libreville.  It
turns out that the words that were thought at the time
to be his last, and evidence that Makokou was being
bombarded by lava bombs, were just some lines to a
play he was practicing with his six children.  The play,
written by playwright Demba Lusangi and called
“Disaster in Djimbala,” involves a small research
center in a town near a volcano which erupts one day
and buries the entire area in hot lava while many of its
residents are practicing for a play they are putting on
about a volcanic catastrophe in an unsuspecting
town.
      Apparently, Dr. Boué was not aware that his words
and those of his excitable children were going out over
an open radio link and were being horribly misinter-
preted.  It further appears that Dr. Boué has spent the
past nine years wondering why his mail hasn't come
and his electricity has been turned off, and he finally
grew tired of waiting for an answer and has taken
direct steps to find out.  Of course, he has also been
working, and has developed some fascinating new
theories about bluetail burrowing proclivities, but we
do not have the time or space to go into much detail
about that.  Suffice it to say that we are glad that Dr.
Boué was not turned into a cinder, and we expect that
he will be visiting Hellmouth sometime soon now that
he has resurfaced.
 
  RAINFOREST RESEARCH CENTER
  DECLARES NEW ICE AGE COMING
(SW News)  Hellmouth, AZ.  The weather guru at the
Hellmouth Tropical Rainforest Research Center has
put his reputation on the line with his latest prediction,
based on variables too complex to go into here, that a
new ice age is coming, and may begin as soon as next
week.  At least two dozen families have already
announced that they will be moving south to avoid
the rigors of the cold that will soon engulf the muddy
Horntoad River Valley.  The last prediction of a new
ice age was made by the Flekkesund College Global
Climate Studies Department two years ago, and that
one was eventually proven to be false.
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