Written by Inhopeless
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Saturday, 11 December 2010

(Published 2083) - SAN FRANSISCO, EARTH - After the United Federation of Planets' science arm perfected stem cell technology for reviving dead animals, it was decided to bring a hero of Earth's Old Age past back to life.

Sadly, the wrong sample was used in an experiment and a man called Simon Cowell was reanimated, instead of revered Earth leader, Abe Lincoln.

"Some idiot," said Grand High Prof. George Glaxagoo, "obviously poured the wrong DNA sample into the machine." He shot an angry look at a young Deliran, "so now we have this no-name loser running round commenting on everything."

According to records stored on the United Federation of Planets' Earth History Archives, Simon Cowell was a preacher of the religion known as X-Factor, which was seen as illogical by many of his time.

"Yeah," said Glaxagoo, "we could've got a leader of one of the world's greatest former tribal democracies, but no, we got some... STOP TOUCHING THAT!" he shouted at a stunned Cowell, who was prodding a prototype level 10 warp-jump device.

"Where's Cheryl?" Cowell said, "Is <X-factor winner> still number one?"

"He died," said Glaxagoo, "due to the United Earth's policy of killing useless celebrities. They were detrimental to Earth's discovery of Warp-Jump, so eh."

Cowell then dropped the L10 Warp-Jump device. Starfleet crewmembers boarded the ship to execute Cowell. Apparently, he still has parking violations from 2007.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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