Written by Matt Brown
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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Confusion surrounded the small market town of Ashby-de-la-douche last week as two men in blue overcoats attempted, and failed to deliver a 100 tonne blue whale to a Mr. Nobody.

All seemed well up until the point where they had to physically place the giant mammal through the letterbox. 'Just stuff it through so we can get out of here' said one to the other, but that plan proved futile. Why they hadn't foreseen this great problem beforehand is anyone's guess, and as usual, anyone is right, for a great problem it was indeed.

The two men arrived early at around 5:00am so as to cause minimum fuss to the unknown recipient's sleeping neighbours. However, there being a 110 foot-long magic whale in very close proximity to their bedrooms they quite obviously woke up and went outside. It wasn't long before all hell had broken loose and great rows erupted. Children started bickering over who had seen the whale first, elderly residents were left glued to the spout, barely being able to believe what they were seeing and people who were on their way to work swore incessantly at the fact they couldn't find a way of manoeuvring their cars around this great big nuisance. Also, their cars had been crushed.

The whale was quite upset at all the commotion, not to mention the rocks being thrown into its blowhole and thus became increasingly perturbed, before eventually swinging its massive tail and knocking an old lady into next Tuesday. After that Moby Dick was restrained and told to shut-up and stop blubbering.

Who actually ordered this thing and why? What a good question, thank you. Blue whales can live for more than 80 years and this has left citizens with a problem the size of a cow (or more specifically a big, angry whale). Arguments about what to do with the whale have been rumbling on all week. The top three were: Turn it into some sort of information point for travellers passing through the village, let it be town mayor for a week, see what happens, or paint it pink and do a little dance around it to celebrate their ignorance. Unsurprisingly none of these dim-witted ideas were chosen.

This giant Octowhale now stands as a great attraction to the people of Ashby-de-la-who? People and things come from ten towns over to marvel at this magnificent beast. It will read to any brave passers-by and occasionally helps out down at the local library. It is kept alive with doses of krill and fish which is all washed down by 100 gallons of milk a day. The whale does not need to be kept in water, as previously mentioned, it is magic and in fact recoils at the sight of the stuff.

In brief intervals of lucidity the whale becomes greatly resentful of his situation and the people who surround him and will mutter unkindly things under its smelly breath. It has been known to sucker in passers-by with offers of discount holidays to Finland (where all the whales are), which he deviously terms 'funland'.

So in light of their increased stupidity and the sheer bitterness shamu's cousin was beginning to feel, town officials have seen fit to draw up a list of rules which inhabitants must adhere to at least one hour a day. The list is as follows:-

• Children Can
• Tourists Can't
• Parents Won't
• Dog-Walkers Shouldn't

Willy (don't call him free willy) the whale does wake local residents up at night with his laughing, which at times can border on sounding maniacal . This is not a problem to all and a survey done by the very whale in question shows that exactly 50% find his laugh-snore soothing.

Gradually the townsfolk began to see how brainless and moronic they had been and they devised a plan. The town drunk arrived from out of town and brought with her the biggest letter box they had never seen and it was declared the saviour of the day. Fillet-o-Fish was gladly slipped through the holy letter box and everything returned to normal and the people regained some modicum of their own sanity.

On an ordinary day this whale story would have made national news, but this was not an ordinary day as a giant whale was being delivered to someone's home, so it didn't.

By - Worrying Waldo Sprout - A News Reporter (honest)

Make Matt Brown's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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