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Turn 13 News

Mysterious Plague Cured!

Thanks to the efforts of many doctors and researchers, the mysterious plague that was started two months ago has finally been cured and subsequently eliminated. All infected persons have been cured, and the disease should trouble us no more.

Rampaging Monsters Calm The Fuck Down

This month, no cities have been destroyed by falling mountains or megatsunamis. It is understood that the creatures responsible have been restrained. For now, at least, life goes on as normal.

Amazon Rainforest Recovers from Desertification

Following an unexpected reversal of soil degradation in the Amazon basin, the rainforest appears to have recovered from a sudden decline and desertification it experienced earlier this month. Conservationists are hailing this latest development as a victory for total inexplicability.

New New York (Re)Built After Valiant Sacrifice

After a concerted and incredibly effective humanitarian effort masterminded by noted researcher Richard Munroe, New York - now Christened New New York - has been completely rebuilt. However, reports indicate that Richard Munroe himself died during the apex of construction efforts during a freak magical accident. He will be mourned.

Flowers Grow on Dragon Hill

A number of meadow flowers, notably yellow trefoil and devil's bit scabious, have been found growing on a previously bare patch of chalk at the summit of Dragon Hill near Uffington. The hilltop is famously barren - a local legend holds that St George slew the dragon atop this very hill; its spilt blood was believed to have poisoned the ground there forever. It is speculated that the sudden appearance of the flowers may be related to the new stone circle built on the site three months ago.

Magic 'Not Cool Anymore' According to Latest Trendsetters

The latest fad for 'magic' seems to have gone the way of the spacehopper and the onesie, as international cultural gurus proclaim magic 'yesterday's news'. When asked for clarification, the aforementioned gurus were clear that, as far as they understood, it was impossible to go back in time to change the news using magic, as was previously feared, and they simply meant that 'magic was boring'.

Policymakers and politicians may be breathing a sigh of relief, but it seems that a dedicated few still have an appetite for magic…

Witches Embark on Pyramiducation Campaign

The witches Violet Hale and Nicholas Queensbury achieved temporary fame during a tour of 'pyramiducational' events across the world, attending radio shows and daytime TV to explain 'magic', the purpose of the mysterious pyramids that appeared recently, and something called the 'Boring Field' which needs to be reset to save the planet. The content of the pyramiducational 'info-zines', written by Nicholas and distributed by Violet who supposedly 'literally flew' to deliver them, are all available on Nicholas' blog.

Unpyramids Take A Turn For The Sensible

In related pyramid news, 'unpyramids' throughout the world have become….regular pyramids? People seem to have flipped them over so that they actually look kind of normal. For urban pyramids.

Whether this has some connection to the festival of magical culture is unclear.

Skara Brae Claimed by the Sea

The Neolithic settlement of Skara Brae, a UNESCO World Heritage Site located in the Orkney Islands has unexpectedly collapsed into the sea; the cause of this calamity is presently unknown. The 5000-year-old site was until recently considered remarkable for its excellent state of preservation.

The Unhappiest Place On Earth

Disneyland has issued an apology to its customers after the recent murder that took place on Splash Mountain. The rides photography caught the culprits in the act, and the authorities are currently on the lookout for a teenage girl and her scruffy male accomplice, last seen wearing a Sebastian the Crab suit and Captain the Hook outfit respectively.

When asked for comment, one bystander, clinging tightly to an Emperor Kuzco Llama stuffed toy could only say that those who had carried out this heinous crime would get what was coming to them.

#deathmountain
#skarabye
#magicisfornerds
#walloflight
#pyramiducation
#newnewyork

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