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Sunday 18 February 2018

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Netiquette

Tim Satchell's alternative guide to email etiquette

Is there a socially acceptable way of apologising by email?

  • It depends on what you've done. The internet is an essentially impersonal medium so it is ideal for some apologies.

    If you didn't go to a party (but you never liked the host anyway), send them an email. If a friend called you demanding an apology, always be a coward and reply by email. You may never see this friend again but perhaps that's not a problem.

    The big apologies (that's lovers and mothers) won't go down well via email. They need a face-to-face meeting, or a letter at the very least.

    The internet has, of course, even come up with online confessions if you need to send an apology to a higher being. One search engine came up with 61,483 mentions of online confessions, so it's obviously a popular area.

    My husband spends all day playing on his computer. One name appears rather too regularly in his email queue. Is he having an affair?

  • Possibly, but I think you're probably just being paranoid. He may enjoy a double life as a Quake player (that is a first person shoot-'em-up computer game that involves killing people in horrible ways). Alternatively, he could have discovered internet chat rooms where people spend hours, er, "chatting".

    By my standards, you should only start worrying when one name occupies more than 20pc of his entire email queue.

    My email queue is constantly getting clogged up by unwanted, unsolicited, uninteresting messages. How do I springclean my email queue?

  • It is possible to impose rules that can stop any message with pictures and other irritating attachments getting through your system. For all those other emails, there is another useful rule - delete all emails unless you recognise the name of the sender.

    Sadly, there is nothing you can do to stop people sending long emails. I find that more than 10 lines is too long in the email world but that doesn't stop lawyers sending emails that begin with an 8,000-word disclaimer.

    I've heard that the Data Protection Act means that employers can read employees' emails with impunity. Should I adjust my email behaviour?

  • You shouldn't. You have known all along that emails are like postcards, which means that anybody is entitled to read them. If it is secret, send a letter. If you are concerned about your more outrageous/flirtatious job applications/personal emails, fix yourself up with an email address at home.

    Then again, are you really worried that your boss sees your job applications? It could lead to a sudden pay rise to make you stay in your current job.

    Also, do bear in mind that emails should now be particularly witty, snappy, short and funny. You never know who you've got to impress with your clever turn of phrase. Would you like your boss to see a particularly dull email about an evening at the local pub quiz?

    If you just can't do witty, you could always resort to text message language to show how you move with the times. Personally, I find them annoying, rather like signing a letter with something like Ciao! or See ya later!

    8-) I'm wearing sunglasses

    :-)-8 I'm a big girl

    [:-) I'm wearing a toupee

    :-[ I'm a vampire

    :-* I just ate something sour

    :-) I'm so happy, I'm crying

    :-@ I'm screaming

    :-# I wear braces on my teeth

    I-O I'm yawning/snoring

    :-Q I'm a smoker

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