Episode 30: “Dude, Where’s My Starship?”

Written by Swordtail

Published May 7, 2007

Scene 1 - Camera watches the USS Celestial fly past at warp speed.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435988.6 or whatever. We’re back to exploring again, after several episodes of nothing but explosions and repairs. Starfleet has sent us to explore a region of space just outside the Federation, which hasn’t been explored before now because of some kind of stupid energy barrier which apparently bears some resemblance to the one surrounding our galaxy which was encountered in the first episode of The Original Series and never mentioned again. End log.

Camera goes to the bridge. All the senior staff are looking at Righteous and clapping.

Senseless - Congratulations sir, you’ve recorded your first log entry. Command will be pleased.

Righteous - Wow, I didn’t know it was as easy as talking into a microphone!

Baque - So this energy barrier that surrounds our galaxy... what’s up with that?

Bios - Starfleet has only encountered it twice, and since it’s so far from the Federation, it’s not like we’re going to have to deal with it for a while. Anyway, most scientists say it’s just a myth Kirk made up to impress everyone back home and get more women to like him, but some think it’s actually due to the magnetic field produced by the black hole in the centre of the galaxy.

Center - I thought there was a planet in the centre of the galaxy, something called Shakaree or Eden or something?

Bios - Actually that was about 30 thousand lightyears closer to the Federation... no one had the heart to tell Sybok he was in the wrong place... and no one really cared. That movie was so terrible people just kind of shut off their brains during it.

Garell - Well, how thick is this barrier we’re going to be passing through?

Genocide - And would blowing it up help us any?

Senseless - HQ thinks it’s only a few thousand kilometres thick, but it extends from the top of the galactic plane to the bottom.

Baque - I guess we’ll find out in a few seconds. Approaching the barrier.

Righteous - Turn on the flashing red lights, please.

Garell - All damage teams standing by.

Genocide - Aren’t you on one of those teams?

Garell - Well, um, I’ll fix the bridge then.

Genocide - Whatever... Shields are at maximum. Weapons too.

Senseless - Why do we need weapons to be at maximum?

Genocide - Because “Weapons at maximum” sounds cool.

Baque - Warp field is destabilizing. Dropping to impulse power. Here we go...

The ship starts to shake as the ship enters the barrier.

Genocide - Shields at 99% and holding.

BOOM, ship rocks. A bolt of lightning implausibly strikes the ship.

Genocide - Make that 80% and holding.

Baque - We’re entering the bad part. Everyone hang on.

The shaking gets worse. Righteous’s coffee mug falls to the floor and shatters. He gets really mad and stands up.

Righteous - Okay, that’s it! Lieutenant-Commander Garell, first thing you do when we get out of here is install a cup holder in the captain’s chair! Got it?

Senseless - Sir, sit down before–

Boom, ship rocks, sparks. Righteous gets thrown across the bridge.

Senseless - (sigh) Never mind...

Genocide - Shields at 74%.

Baque - We’re passing through the thermobaric layer.

Bios - Sensors are down!

Garell - Inertial dampeners are failing.

Ship shakes some more.

Center - Causalities being reported. Nothing serious so far. Just some dead no-names.

Boom, lights flicker, ship rocks, consoles spark.

Baque - Almost through.

The viewscreen goes all fuzzy and looks like someone pulled the cable out of the wall.

Righteous (getting to his chair) - Ah man, it was just getting interesting.

Senseless - Lieutenants!

BOOM! Master Systems Display panel at the back of the bridge starts spazing out and red blobs appear all over it indicating failing systems.

Garell - Warp drive is offline!

Baque - Hang on, I think we’re through!

Sure enough the shaking stops.

Bios - Sensors are coming back online.

Center - Sir, there’s someone out there. We’re being hailed. Audio only.

Senseless - Let’s hear it.

Alien Voice - Identify yourselves!

Senseless - This is the starship Celestial, we’re here representing the United Federation of Planets.

Bios - Three ships. Off our port bow.

Alien Voice - Federation scum! Prepare to be destroyed!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks!

Genocide - They’ve opened fire!

Righteous - Prophets damn it, how come every one in the galaxy hates us!?!?!


Opening credits, and pie. Don’t forget the pie.


Scene 2 - Camera watches as the three unidentified ships continue to besiege the Celestial. On the bridge...

Senseless - Ensign, hail them again!

Center - No response, sir.

Genocide - Commander, our shields are failing.

Senseless - Alright, target the lead ship’s weapons array. Only their weapons! I want them disabled, not destroyed!

Genocide - Fine... firing phasers.

Center - Their weapons are offline.

Righteous - Try hailing them again.

Center - They’re responding. The other two ships are holding position and still targeting us.

A being that looks like a cross between a Tellarite and a Klingon appears on screen.

Alien Captain - What do you want?!

Senseless - We want to know why you’re firing on us.

Alien Captain - Because you said you were from the Federation! The last time you invaded our space, you killed thousands of our people!

Righteous - I think there’s been a misunderstanding. We just got here.

Alien Captain - Lies! The only reason we’ve stopped firing is because it furthers the plot... and we have nothing to fire with...

Senseless - Why don’t we all power down our weapons and talk this over?

Alien Captain - That’s what your last ship said! Then, as soon as we lowered our shields to beam our diplomatic party aboard, you destroyed our ships!

Righteous - Nope, that doesn’t sound like us. You must have heard them wrong. Federation starships are always the ones getting tricked and fired upon, not the other way around.

Senseless - Why don’t we talk this over? We’ll lower our shields and you can keep yours up if you want.

Alien Captain - How do I know this isn’t another trick?

Senseless - The other option is we keep shooting at each other. If you didn’t notice, we took out your weapons with a single shot.

Alien Captain - Fine! But my other two ships will maintain their weapons lock. If I’m captured or killed, you’ll be destroyed.

Righteous - Sounds fair.

Senseless - Genocide, lower shields.

Genocide - Alright... shields down.

Alien Captain - I’m sending transport coordinates. You may beam us aboard.

Senseless - Okay. Celestial out.

The viewscreen goes back to looking at the three ships.

Senseless - All senior staff report to the briefing room in 15 minutes. (Looks at bridge crew) Let’s get to the bottom of this before we have to spend a week repairing ourselves... again.


Scene 3 - All the senior staff are in the briefing room when two security guards lead in the alien captain and an alien No-Name.

Alien Captain - I am Captain Crell of the Barenian starship Alcohol.

The no-name yellow-shirts snicker.

Senseless - You two, get out!

The snickering No-Names leave the room and the doors close.

Crell - This is my nameless assistant. We’ve brought the proof you wanted.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, if you please?

Bios gets up and uploads the “proof” onto the wall monitor. An image of an Excelsior-class starship firing phasers and torpedoes appears on the screen. After a few seconds, the screen goes blank.

Crell - That’s the last transmission we got from our greeting party.

Righteous - Did the ship say who they were?

Crell - The only thing they said was that they were from the United Federation of Planets.

Baque - When did this take place?

Nameless Assistant - Almost a month ago. Ever since, we’ve had ships go missing and then turn up in a cloud of debris. The latest attack happened only a few days ago. Since the first encounter, we haven’t been able to even get within visual range of the ship. Your engines are far superior to ours.

Senseless - This doesn’t make sense. We haven’t sent a ship out this far before. It was considered too dangerous to cross the barrier. That’s why Starfleet sent us, because no one really cares if we get destroyed.

Crell - Well, one of your ships obviously did get through.

Senseless - We recently came out of a war with the Breen. We lost hundreds of ships, and some vanished without a trace.

Genocide - Think maybe this could have been one of those unknown disappearances? Like the Valiant?

Righteous - The what?

Puker - Even so, I doubt the crew would try to start another war. Besides, a month ago the war was well over. This barrier is also quite a way from Breen space.

Blavik - Perhaps it is another ship simply masquerading as one of ours.

Bios is studying the sensor data with Garell.

Bios - Nope. It’s ours. The power signature matches perfectly. So do the weapons signatures. Everything says it’s an Excelsior-class ship, probably a fairly new one.

Garell - And these life sign readings are Human, Vulcan, Bolian, you name it. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Tener - So one of our ships is giving the Federation a bad name and doesn’t care?

Crell - Worse than that. Our government is considering this an act of war. Even though you say you have nothing to do with this, our people want revenge. We’ve been gaining allies and are preparing to invade Federation space.

Baque - Just what we need, another war...

Senseless - Not if we can help it. Captain Crell, with your permission, we’d like to track down this rogue ship of ours and stop it from causing any more harm. If you’d like, you can come with us.

Crell - I’ll have to contact my superiors, but I think they’ll agree. Either that, or they’ll send a task force to destroy you. But either way, you’ll have time to chase down this ship or yours. I’ll volunteer to remain aboard your ship so the network doesn’t have to pay more actors.

Senseles - Agreed. Ensign Center will arrange some quarters for you. We’ll be in the seldom-used Astrometrics Lab mapping the area in an attempt to find our ship. Dismissed.

Everyone gets up and starts to leave.

Baque - I wonder if we’re actually going to do anything this episode or just spend our time setting stuff up?

Garell - Meh.


Scene 4 - Astrometrics lab. Senseless walks in to find Bios and Center playing Mortal Combat on the big screen.

Computer - Fatality!!!!!

Bios - Ha! In your face!

Center - No fair, you broke my controller!

Bios - You were doing fine there for a good three seconds at the start, so don’t blame it on the controller!

Senseless - Report!

Both lower-ranking officers jump in their seats and toss the Sega Genesis across the room.

Bios - We found their warp trail, but it’s really old...ish.

Center - The entire crew probably went crazy. We didn’t because the Celestial is outfitted with multiphasic shields. Frankly, that’s the only explanation I bothered to think of. Most modern ships are outfitted with such shields, but who knows.

Senseless - Do you have proof?

Center - No sir, but I’m working on it.

Senseless - Well let me know when you’re–

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrb! The red alert klaxons go off and everyone jumps.

Senseless - Jesus! Why are those so loud?

No-Name #1 - All senior staff report to the bridge.


Scene 5 - All the bridge officers run onto the bridge.

Righteous - What’s the emergency?

No-Name #1 - There isn’t one. I just wanted to turn on the flashing red lights.

Senseless - Crewman, unless there’s a real emergency, don’t use the red alert lights and klaxons to piss everyone off!

Genocide - Permission to kill him, sir?

Senseless - Later. Right now, someone tell me why this moron over here wanted us to come to the bridge.

Bios - Ooh, sensors have located a Federation warp signature.

Senseless - Set a course, warp 9!

Camera watches as the Celestial does a 180-degree turn, flips over, does a complete barrel roll in the opposite direction, and jumps to warp. Camera goes to the bridge, where half the no-names are puking their guts up all over the carpet.

Senseless - (ick) That manoeuver was a little excessive, don’t you think, Lieutenant?

Baque - Nowhere in the manual does it say I can’t do that.

Bios - The ship is in range of our short-range sensors.

Righteous - Put it up on the viewey thingy, please.

An Excelsior-class ship appears on screen.

Baque - They’ve seen us and are heading this way.

Senseless - Hail them, ensign.

Center - Aye, sir... I’m getting a response.

Righteous - Let’s see it.

Beep! The viewscreen turns a light shade of blue, and happy faces appear in the corners. The words “Please hold, your hail is important to us!” scroll around the screen and jazzy music can be heard playing. Puker enters the bridge just in time to see the words before they change to “All of our communications officers are currently busy, but will help you as soon as they are able. Please stay on the line.”

Senseless - Why aren’t you in Sickbay?

Puker - Because this episode has absolutely no point to it! It’s a waste of my time! What kind of plot are we dealing with here? We’re chasing a ship that’s attacking a bunch of aliens we’ve just met, after crossing through a dumb energy barrier into an uncharted part of the galaxy? No offense to anyone here but we’re ripping off about five different episodes of TOS, TNG, and probably DS9! I’m getting sick of these dumb filler episodes that the writer makes just to keep himself from going crazy with boredom! I refuse to do any work until we get a plot!

Genocide - Doctor, you spent the last episode unconscious, and you haven’t done any medical work in a good month. I’ll say what we’re all thinking here: Get your ass back down to Sickbay and stop complaining about things!

Puker - ...Damn it, people, I’m a doctor, not a stage prop!

Bios - What does that have to do with anything?

Before he can answer, the screen changes to showing a Starfleet ensign who looks like he’s either really drunk or really stoned. Probably both.

Ensign - (in stereotypical hippy-like voice) Yo, dude, like how’s it going, and stuff?

Senseless - Ensign, I want to talk to your commanding officer.

Ensign (looking around) - Sorry man, she’s like, not here, or something...

Senseless - Well, could you go get her for us, please?

Ensign - Well, alright, but it’s gonna like take a while. This ship is reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy big, you know? Just stay right there I’ll be back in a jiffy!

Senseless - Wait–!

Beep! The hold screen comes back on and the jazzy music starts to play again.

Righteous - He seemed really nice. I hope they promote him soon.

Center - (muttering) I wouldn’t doubt it...

Puker - Judging by the bloodshot eyes and apparent inability to comprehend his surroundings, I’d have to say our contact was high as a kite.

Baque - That’s your expert medical opinion?

Puker - Just fly the damn ship.

Baque - Ooh, pissy mood today...

Senseless - Doctor, find Lieutenant Tener and Ensign Blavik and meet me in transporter room 2 in five minutes.

Righteous - Are you going on an away mission?

Senseless - Someone has to figure out what’s going on, and I doubt talking to them will tell us anything.

Righteous - I want to go! I’m the captain, so–

Senseless - Starfleet regulations say you have to stay here. Look it up if you want.

Righteous - I will! Girl who breaks stuff a lot, bring me the Starfleet manual!

Bios (finding manual on computer) - I wonder, does he spend time to figure out names for us all or do they just pop into his demented head?


Scene 6 - Senseless, Tener, Puker, Blavik, and two no-name yellow shirts, all wearing environmental suits, materialize in the Excelsior’s transporter room.

Senseless - Alright, Blavik, No-Names #2 and 3, go to Engineering and try to reroute systems to the Bridge, in case we need to. Tener, Puker, and I will try to find the captain.

Blavik - Understood, sir.

The two no-names look at each other.

No-Name #2 - We’re dead, aren’t we?

No-Name #3 - Death is part of the job, buddy.

Blavik - Come on, you two. Stop being illogical and hurry up. We don’t have all day.

The three low-ranking officers leave down one corridor. The higher-ranking officers leave down another. Camera goes with them.

Senseless - Doctor, anything in the air we shouldn’t be breathing?

Puker - You mean besides the artificially-produced oxygen and nitrogen molecules?

Senseless - Yes, besides those.

Puker - I’m picking up large amounts of an airborne form of tetra-9-hydro-cannabinol.

Tener - In English, please?

Puker - Incinerated marijuana. It explains the weird behaviour of the crew. Simply put, they’re higher than Ozzy Osborne on a bad day.

Senseless - Send these scans to Lieutenant Bios, maybe she can figure out a cure.

Tener - Shouldn’t we just try curing it with Canadian beer?

Puker - Nah, we don’t have enough, and frankly I don’t feel like sharing it with these bozos. We should try to find the source of the highness and shut it down.

Senseless - That would probably be in their environmental control section, wherever that is. I’m not familiar with the layout of Excelsior class ships.

Tener - Didn’t you work on the USS Citadel for a while, sir?

Senseless - I also worked in a Starfleet-run insane asylum for a few months, but you don’t see anyone remembering that, now, do you?

They walk over to a wall monitor.

Tener - We can use this to find out the name of the ship.

Senseless - Good, because for some reason no one thought of just looking at the hull lettering or identifying the transponder signals.

Tener turns on the flickering monitor and presses a few buttons.

Tener - No, that’s impossible...

Senseless - USS Citadel? But she was destroyed! It crashed into the Lunar colony over a year ago! How could it be out here?

Puker - Would anyone have actually told us if that ship had been repaired?

Senseless - I doubt it... Wait... did the USS Citadel even have a captain? I don’t remember ever seeing him or her around.

A goofy-acting woman in her mid-thirties bounces past, joints in hand, wearing the rank pins indicating she’s a captain.

Citadel’s Captain - Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! This is fun!!!!

SMACK! She runs into a wall and falls down.

Puker, Senseless, Tener (at each other) - Found her.

Puker goes over and pulls a can of Alexander Keith’s out of his toolkit. He opens it and gives it to the captain, who is stoned out of her mind.

Senseless - Doctor, is that can of beer standard issue now in medical kits?

Puker - Ever since the Enterprise first shoved weed into a warp core, cans such as these are kept on hand for just such emergencies.

Tener - You were right, this episode has pretty much no plot to it.

Puker - You think? Okay, she’s coming around.

Senseless - Hi. I’m Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial. Do you know where you are?

Citadel’s Captain - Yes... I’m on the Citadel. I think.

Puker starts scanning her.

Puker - The super-weed is still in her system. It could take some time to purge, but I expect she’ll make a full recovery.

Senseless - What’s your name, captain?

Citadel’s Captain - I don’t have a name...

Puker’s tricorder starts frantically beeping. He lowers it and a sombre expression crosses his face.

Puker - I’m sorry sir, there’s nothing I can do. Injured no-names just can’t be saved...

Senseless - Damn it doctor, we need answers and this woman is the only person who can give them to us! Senseless to Celestial.

Center (over comm) - Ensign Center here, sir.

Senseless - We’ve found the captain of the USS Citadel, that’s the ship by the way, but she has no name. I want you all to get on finding out what her name is before she dies and we lose all hope for finding out what happened here. And before you ask the obvious question, the main computer seems damaged. Come on guys, hurry, the doctor’s tricorder is saying she’s about to flatline!!!

Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge. All the no-names, recognizing a kindred spirit, start frantically accessing the main computer and trying to find out what the screwed no-name captain’s name actually is. Camera goes back to the Citadel, where the captain of the Excelsior-class ship is quickly slipping into a coma.

Puker - Commander, we don’t have much time!

Center (over comm) - Got it! Starfleet records that the USS Citadel is commanded by a Captain Amy Castanea!

Puker’s tricorder stops frantically beeping and Captain Castanea opens her eyes.

Puker - She’s stabilizing. Good work, Ensign.

Center (still over the goddamned comm system) - Glad to help, sir. Celestial out.

Senseless - Alright, now, Amy is it? Who cares. Captain, could you tell us what happened here? Why is the Citadel attacking ships in this region of space. Better yet, why are you even in this region of space?

Castanea - First, do you have any more of that beer...?


Scene 7 - Briefing room of the USS Celestial. Righteous, Genocide, Baque, Garell, Center, Blavik, and Bios are sitting around looking bored as Senseless, Puker, and Tener come in.

Blavik - No-Names 2 and 3 are dead, for your information. But I don’t remember how or why they died.

Righteous - Now, who ordered a briefing and didn’t tell me why!

Baque - Say, isn’t it prayer time, sir?

Righteous - Har, har, for your information I’ve been attending RFA, or Religious Fanatics Anonymous and I’m now able to go more than an hour without praying to the Prophets... slightly more than an hour... Okay, I prayed before I came here, happy now?

Senseless - Well... remember those nice people we met when we first got here?

Genocide - Vaguely. What about them?

Senseless - Well, according to the good Captain Castanea, the Citadel was sent in here by Admiral Nelix a month ago, mainly because Admiral Nelix hates them almost as much as he hates us.

Tener - Typical.

Senseless - So anyway, I guess the paperwork just didn’t get through to me and we all continued to think the Citadel was still a pile of scrap metal on the face of the moon.

Righteous - I helped with the paperwork!

Senseless - Right... So they came in here, and were greeted by our friends, who quickly discovered the Federation had far superior weaponry and they wanted it. They offered the Citadel a token of their “good will” and gave them super-weed, which incapacitated the entire crew. Unfortunately, the plan backfired and they ended up being attacked by the high Citadel.

Garell - It also increased their warp core efficiency by about 30%, thus ensuring the Barenians never caught them.

Senseless - What the Barenians didn’t count on was our ability to counter the super-weed. We’ve shut down the Citadel’s primary environmental systems and have stopped the influx of new cannabis sativa vapour, now it’s just a matter of curing the entire crew.

Puker - We don’t have enough Canadian beer, and it’s too volatile to replicate en mass! We’ll have to send them to the nearest Starbase and let someone else deal with them.

Senseless - True, and the Barenians have gone to Plan B, which is gain political support for a war on the Federation. With the outside help they have they could easily conquer several planets and have plenty of technology at their disposal to really eff up the Prime Directive.

Blavik - But how can we stop the Barenians from seizing the Citadel if we disable it and tow it home?

Righteous - Well, my naive Vulcan underling, it just so happens that I have a plan...

Baque - Does it involve us not going to live with the Prophets?

Righteous - Oh right, you guys fear death... I forget these things.

Center - Isn’t super-weed fatal in long-term doses?

Puker - Check the life sign count on the Citadel. You’ll find it’s down 75%.

Senseless - Alright, think people, we need a good plan...


Scene 8 - San Francisco, Starfleet HQ. Admiral Nelix is moving some papers around on his desk, singing various tunes.

Nelix - It’s a lovely day in the neighbourhood, a lovely day in the something something, something something, something something...

Beep! His laptop starts telling him there’s an incoming transmission.

Nelix - Computer, display message.

Fleet Admiral Spot appears on the screen. And she doesn’t look happy.

Spot - Admiral! Did you order the USS Celestial into that area of space bordered by a high-discharge thermobaric cloud?

Nelix - Um... yes...

Spot - After you sent the USS Citadel in there a month ago and it hasn’t been heard from since?

Nelix - Uh...

Spot - I owe you a glass of milk! Spot out!

Beep! Screen goes off.

Nelix - ...Cool!


Scene 9 - Camera is on some random planet in a random building. A Barenian guy who looks important is addressing a bunch of other people who look like a bunch of humanoid Star Wars rejects.

Barenian - ...And not only has the Federation ship failed to destroy the marauder, it is now actively helping to repair it! This is an outrage and proves once and for all that the Federation means to conquer us, like they have with over 150 other worlds! I have no choice but to order a preemptive strike on the Federation. Our forces are ready to cross the energy barrier and destroy all that oppose us on the other side! You have seen the evidence for yourself, now who’s with us??

Everyone in the room starts cheering “Death to the Federation” and stuff like that.

Barenian - Excellent...

The Linux penguin waddles by. Everyone stops cheering and sort of looks at it until it goes out of sight.

Barenian - Uh... Death to the Federation!


Scene 10 - “Gothic Power” by X-Ray Dog plays as a massive alien armada of thousands of ships drops out of warp (yeah, the flash would probably be blinding) and approaches the energy barrier. Camera zooms toward the barrier and sees the USS Celestial and Citadel parked right in front of the hostile fleet. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge. All senior staff except Garell and Puker are present.

Senseless - Celestial to Captain Castanea...

Baque - Try saying that three times fast.

Castanea (over comm) - Citadel here. Go ahead, Commander.

Senseless - Are you ready?

Castanea (comm) - The probes are in place. I doubt they’ll last more than a few seconds though. You won’t be able to use them.

Senseless - Just get your part of the plan done, and we’ll do our part.

Castanea (comm) - My part would be a lot easier if someone would send over some more Canadian beer... hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

Righteous - Will Bajoran Springwine work?

Blavik - No, sir. Stop suggesting it please.

Castanea - It was worth a try. Citadel out. God, I can’t believe I have to deal with these bastards...

Camera goes to the bridge of the Citadel.

Castanea - Helm, prepare to jump to warp 9 as soon as the hole opens.

No-Name #4 - Hey ma’am, like chill out. You need a little something to calm down. I think I have one somewhere around here.

No-Name #4 starts looking for a joint when the angry captain comes over and swats him out of his chair.

Castanea - I have to do everything myself... Thankfully, the Celestial routed all ship’s functions to the bridge.

No-Name #4 - Whatever you say, cap’n... Oh god, this is good shit... duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

BZZZT!! Castanea gets fed up and stuns the annoying helmsman with a phaser. She then pushes some buttons, and five probes placed at the energy barrier light up like a Christmas tree and fire some kind of energy beam into the barrier, forcing open a hole of clear space. The Citadel quickly jumps to high warp, and the probes burn out and the hole closes. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge.

Righteous - So go over this plan again? Don’t we need the Citadel to help us destroy these sinners? And didn’t we need that hole to get through? Didn’t you say those were our only multiphasic probes? I don’t get it!

Genocide - We went over the plan like five times! Do we have to go over it again?

Senseless - Sir, just think of it as a TV show. Sit back, eat some popcorn, and don’t do anything to interfere with us.

Center - Sir, the ships are closing on our position. Looks like they’re trying to trap us.

Bios - Just as we planned. Just a few more seconds and they’ll all be in visual range.

Tener - Let’s just hope this works.

Bios - Trust me, I can hack a few communications systems no problem. The hardest part will be convincing them we’re telling the truth.

Genocide - If they don’t believe us, this will be a short battle - The worst kind. I personally prefer long bloody battles with lots of explosions.

Senseless - Personally, I prefer not getting the crap kicked out of us like we always do.

Center - Five seconds to weapons range.

Senseless - Lieutenant, open channel.

Bios - Channel open sir, all ships are hearing us whether they like it or not.

Senseless - This is Commander Senseless of the Federation starship Celestial. We have reason to believe that the Barenians are misleading you all into a war with us. I should inform you this is a war you can not win. Moments ago, the USS Citadel returned to Federation space and has informed Starfleet, our military body, of your plans. By the time you reach our nearest world, you will be met with a massive Federation armada, which you can’t hope to defeat. This is a needless war brought on by greed. Stand down or be embarrassed.

Genocide - Well, I’ll be. They’re holding fire.

Senseless (continuing) - The Barenians are attempting to goad you all into helping them to acquire advanced Federation technology. This technology could possibly be used to attack you all. The USS Citadel’s crew were poisoned by a compound that we have banned for centuries: super-weed. It resulted in the crew getting high and thinking they saw Borg everywhere, thus resulting in the destruction of all your ships. Side effects include death.

Center - We’re being hailed. I’m also detecting a flurry of comm activity between all ships.

Senseless - On screen.

Captain Crell appears on the screen and he looks pissed off.

Crell - How dare you spout these lies to our allies! For this you should be destroyed! Stand down and prepare to be boarded!

Senseless - Um... no. Bios, reopen that channel to all ships.

Bios - You’re on.

Senseless - We’re transmitting sensor and communications logs from the Citadel which show the Barenians giving the Citadel the super-weed. Of course you have no reason to trust that they’re real, but ask yourself one question: Knowing the Barenians, is this kinda like something they’d do? And if you say yes to that, ask yourself another question: Do you feel lucky?

Genocide - All ships are powering down their weapons... wait... the Barenians aren’t. They’re closing in. 230 ships!

Senseless - Close channel. Shields to maximum. Ready all weapons!

Genocide - Way ahead of you, sir.

Baque - Taking evasive action.

Center - All the other ships are powering their weapons up too.

Righteous - I thought this was over! I’m out of popcorn!

Senseless - Doesn’t look like they bought it.

Genocide - The Barenians are opening fire.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Shields at 95%. Wait... all the other ships are opening fire!

Senseless - Brace yourselves!

Center - They’re not firing at us!

Camera watches as the Barenian ships get the crap kicked out of them by all the other ships. The Barenians quickly jump to warp, and half the other ships go in pursuit. Camera goes back to the Celestial’s bridge, where everyone is cheering.

Senseless - That went well!

Center - Incoming transmission from one of the ships, they say they’re sorry to have caused us any inconvenience and they wish us well.

Righteous - I like this movie!


Scene 11 - The Celestial pulls up to a Starbase somewhere.  The Citadel can be seen nearby.

Righteous - Captains log, stardate 435997.3. Someone said today was Canada Day, whatever that means. Anyway, we’ve pulled into Starbase 115 for reassignment, and to check up on the Citadel. Admiral Nelix apparently nearly fainted when we both emerged from that energy barrier. The crew decided to have a small get-together in the observation lounge at the rear end of the ship. I’m doing this log entry to kill time since it takes so long to get back there... stupid observation lounge...

Righteous walks into the Celestial’s observation lounge, out of breath, at the very back of the stardrive section. All senior staff, some no-names, and Captain Castanea are inside drinking and having fun.

Puker - Well, I must say, for an episode that started out with absolutely no plot or storyline to think of, we did pretty well this week, and all’s well that ends well, as I commonly say.

Tener - And I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.

Center - What would that be, sir?

Baque - Ooh, I know this, it’s don’t trust goofy forehead aliens?

Garell - Don’t accept gifts from strangers?

Genocide - Don’t cross energy barriers?

Blavik - All of the above?

Tener - I was going to say “Don’t follow Admiral Nelix’s orders,” but those are all valid points.

Righteous - How about “Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong?”

Castanea - Shut up, Righteous, no one likes you.

Righteous - Get off my ship!

Castanea - I can’t, mine’s being cleaned and most of my crew is dead.

Righteous - Well... don’t be mean.

Baque - I like this woman, I wanna transfer now. Anyone who openly mocks our idiotic captain and gets away with it is gold, as far as I’m concerned.

Senseless - So... where is the Citadel off to next?

Castanea - Beats me. I just usually pick a random direction and fly off until an adventure finds us.

Baque - Same here.

Garell - Why don’t we try standing still for a while?

Senseless - Because that’s not what we get paid for.

Garell - We don’t get paid, commander, and I’m not letting it go until that changes.

Pause...

Righteous - Doesn’t normally something bad happen that causes someone to yell out, “god damn it?”

Pause...

Righteous - This episode sucked.


Scene 12 - Earth, San Francisco. Admiral Nelix is walking along a hallway at Starfleet Headquarters.

Nelix - ...This better be good, fucking fleet redeployment? What’s that all about...

He enters an office where Admiral Ross is holding a PADD.

Ross - Guess which two ships magically reappeared after being sent through an energy barrier never to be seen again?

He throws the PADD at the floor and Admiral Nelix reads it.

Nelix - Great, there goes my afternoon. Damn it! God damn it!

The End
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