Chicago - Dec. 8, 2017
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Army Of Darkness
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5 p.m.
A discount-store employee is time-warped to a medieval castle, where he is the foretold savior who can dispel the evil there. Unfortunately, he screws up and releases an army of skeletons. (tvguide.com)
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The Weekend Desk Report

Weekend Desk guru Natasha Julius is on assignment in the Ozarks looking for daredevils. The "B" team will keep watch on these important stories for you.

Math Test
Kentucky Derby favorite Big Brown will attempt to do today what no horse has done since 1929: win from the 20th post. The other horses have urged Big Brown to withdraw, saying "the math just isn't there, and we need to unify this field."

Old Kentucky Home
With Kentucky holding its primary in three weeks, Chelsea Clinton returns to the state to attend the Derby today. She reportedly will call on suspending the jockey tax for the summer.

Beachwood at the Derby
Cowboy Cal is the key.

Audio version.

Post Position
Twenty-eight percent of Americans actually approve of the job George W. Bush is doing, proving the country will never be "unified."

Remedial Education
The president is expected to sign a student loan bill sent to him on Friday. On Monday, he'll decide which school he'll be going to.

Jockey Shorts
* Wouldn't it be cool if Danica Patrick raced in the Kentucky Derby too?
* You might not know this, but the losing jockeys in the Derby become plantation slaves. The winner gets to work in the house.
* While at the Derby, Chelsea Clinton will reportedly call for suspending the fertilizer tax for the summer.

Mail Pail
On the occasion of the 30th birthday of spam, I'd like to thank Nigeria for making it all possible.

Primary Colors
Dear Guam: I found you through contacts in the United States and was told you are a reputable, trustworthy person. Due to volatile political circumstances in my home country, I've come into 2,025 electoral votes. But I can't retrieve them unless I find an investor to guarantee a down payment on notes that will mature in the fall. If you could just send me four electoral votes of your own, I can unlock my frozen account and become the leader of the free world. In return, I promise to ignore you for four years.

PC Wars
Cuba approved the sale of home computers today, apparently impressed with Microsoft's ability to dictate the market with a crappy product.

Stick Picks
Now that Mars has bought Wrigley and Arby's has bought Wendy's, we'll turn our attention back to United, which is still trying to merge. One more beer and it will ask the CTA to come home with it.

Children's Museum
* Miley Cyrus punished by politician.
* Lindsay Lohan falsely portrayed as favoring ignition locks for drunk drivers.
* Madonna's adolescence enters fifth decade.

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Catch up with the week's Papers!

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Visit Division Street!

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Behold the Internet.



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Posted on May 3, 2008


MUSIC - The Weekend In Chicago Rock.
TV - Time For Royal Scroungers To Earn Their Keep.
POLITICS - More College Aid Going To The Rich.
SPORTS - Bears At Peak McCaskey.

BOOKS - Before Breitbart.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: New Fucking Frying Pan.


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