the jackass’s guide to internetiquette

I’ve been a member of various internet message boards for 15 years now. The best thing about the internet is that anybody can say anything they want to for the world to read.

The worst thing about the internet is that anybody can say anything they want to for the world to read.

Hence, I created A Jackass’s Guide to InterNetiquette

1. Don’t namedrop. Why? Unless you have something unique and interesting to say about a celebrity, No.One.Cares.

Nobody really cares if you saw Mario Lopez at the gym, or Dean Cain at Venice Beach, or Elliot Gould at the post office (all of which happened to me by the way. See? See how annoying that is?) I’m all for hearing great stories about great people, though, so if you’re going to say something, make it worth reading.

Here’s an example from one of my internet friends Sam from Mayberry:

I actually got to meet Paul Stanley with my wife and kid at Wentworth Galleries a couple of years ago.

We bought a print of “Green Planet” and Paul was extra cool to my little girl, Kenzie.

She told him that she was just starting to play bass and he asked how old she was and she told him 11. He then said he had a son that was around the same age and that the two of them should get together and jam.

Without missing a beat Kenzie looks him dead in the eye and says, “Hey, sounds good. I’m always looking for people.” To which he laughed heartily.

2. Think up comebacks quickly. You look like a loser if you wait more than 24 hours to say whatEVER to someone who typed an emoticon with rolling eyes.

3. Never say anything you wouldn’t mind getting beat up for in public.

4. Don’t make fun of what anybody does for a living, or what someone doesn’t do for a living. Stay-at-home moms work harder than you ever will. So don’t try to intimidate us with your nasty remarks from your big scary keyboard.

5. Never tell anyone they’re wasting time on the internet and they should spend more time with real people. Because look around you. You aren’t exactly the social butterfly yourself.

Follow these 5 simple rules and you’ll be a well-rounded person in virtual AND real-time.

 

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