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Fri, Jan. 18th, 2008, 02:33 am
How to Keep Your Military Teammates Alive, Relatively Sane, and Not Evil Overlords... (Text Version)

Title: How to Keep Your Military Teammates Alive, Relatively Sane, and Not Evil Overlords Living In Luxury Ruling Over a Subservient Indigenous Population
Characters: Jackson, McKay
Summary: An email from Daniel Jackson to the departing Atlantis science contingent, written as a response to the "What Happened Next" meme for myystic who wanted "The Care and Feeding of Geeks. How about the reverse? Daniel makes something for the non-military scientists to read at 6 weeks in?"
Rating: We'll call this T for teen.


Normally, this email would go out about six weeks into any civilian's assignment to an off-world gate team, but since you'll be in another galaxy then, here it is now. Trust me when I say these aren't as crazy as they sound and forward them to your people at the appropriate time.

How to Keep Your Military Teammates Alive, Relatively Sane, and Not Evil Overlords Living In Luxury Ruling Over a Subservient Indigenous Population

Rule 1: Do not die. Even temporarily, although this is mostly my problem. Do not offer yourself up for sacrifice, do not get kidnapped and presumed dead. They are supposed to protect you and failing to do so really messes with their heads. If you cannot avoid capture and presumed death, upon your return be as annoying as possible. This helps them re-compartmentalize their feelings for you.

Rule 2: You need to take weapons training. No matter how well they protect you, there will come a day when someone has a gun to your CO's head and you are the only one with a clear shot on the person holding it. Be able to make the shot.

Rule 3: That being said, don't become a soldier yourself. Love your military teammates, keep them alive, don't be a burden, but don't become them. You are there as a scientist, but also to provide a civilian POV your military teammates may not be able to see. There is a big gray area however, between the pale geek and the black ops soldier. Find your middle ground.

Rule 4: There will come a time when aliens will make you have sex with the military team member you are closest to. Earth humans perceived as the prudes of the galaxy, and many alien chieftains and priests will make you participate in 'trading rituals' designed to see how true the rumors are. Leave it alone for a while.

Rule 5: If you are asked to participate in more than one of these rituals and the aliens are very insistent on you and a certain teammate participating, this is not a coincidence. You are sending out waves of sexual tension, and the aliens think they're helping. Then, you have to talk about it.

And while this isn't a rule, if number five comes to pass... Look, the death rate is ridiculously high in this program and we've yet to kick anyone out for fraternization that didn't make out in the General's presence. If you have to have sex on Earth to keep from having it in front of an audience off world and you want to have sex, please, for the sake of the planet have it. If you love them and they love you, no one is going to lose their jobs over it. The fate of the galaxy does not rest on you being celibate.

Fri, Jan. 18th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
myystic

Ha! Love it!

"The fate of the galaxy does not rest on you being celibate." WIN!

Fri, Jan. 18th, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC)
rogue_planet

I take it you liked it. *smiles*
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