document: [PREVIOUSLY_ON]
  Simone: If you can't be in sync with us, then I think it's probably best if you go home.
  Tad: I owe you an apology for that kiss.
  Liza: Yeah, I'm still trying to figure it out.
  Mia: He had an affair?
  Alison: I'm looking for Jake?
  Chris: Jackson was just telling me why we shouldn't get married.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Chris: Erica?
  Erica: How could you, Jackson?
  Jack: Erica, calm down.
  Erica: Don't you tell me to calm down.
  Jack: It's not what you think it is.
  Erica: Then what is it, Jack? What did you tell Chris?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Waitress: Can I get you anything?
  Alison: Excuse me.
  Waitress: Yeah?
  Alison: I'm meeting Dr. Martin -- Jake. Has he been seated?
  Waitress: I'm sorry, he isn't here yet.
  Alison: I'm a few minutes early. I'll just wait.
  Mia: Oh, there's no need. You're right on time.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Mover: Is here good?
  Lysistrata: Yeah, that's perfect. You know, sweetie, you need to lift with your legs more, and you -- you need to wear tighter pants.
  Mover: Yes, ma'am.
  Lysistrata: Here. Thank you, fellas. Ah. Ok.
  Tad: Hola?
  Lysistrata: You're early. I like that. Shows initiative, a desire to confront things head-on. That's good. Unless it's a compulsion. Then that's not so good.
  Tad: Punctuality's a compulsion?
  Lysistrata: Can be in certain people. Now, why don't you lie down, make yourself comfortable.
  Tad: No. No, thanks, I'm not here --
  Lysistrata: Listen, this is never going to work if you don't listen to me. Lie down!
  Tad: Ok. Fine. Have it your way.
  Lysistrata: Excellent. We're off to a good start.
  Tad: Glad to hear it.
  Lysistrata: Ok, why don't you tell me why you're here.
  Tad: I'm here to ask you out.
  Lysistrata: Oedipus issue.
  Tad: No, I'm asking you out, not my mother.
  Lysistrata: Denial.
  Tad: What denial? You told me to call you. I figured you wanted me to ask you out.
  Lysistrata: What? You.
  Tad: Yeah, me.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Jamie: That was a great practice, guys. I'll catch you guys later. Hey, Laurie.
  [Laurie sighs]
  Jamie: What is it?
  Laurie: Nothing. Really, it's nothing.
  Jamie: You can tell me.
  Laurie: You'll think I'm stupid.
  Jamie: No, I won't, I swear.
  Laurie: I just want to run away and never come back.
  Jamie: Hey, you don't mean that.
  Laurie: Yes, I do.
  Jamie: Is it ok if I -- can I?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Adam: That was JR's principal.
  Liza: Is he in trouble?
  Adam: Well, to actually be in trouble, you have to show up. He hasn't been in school for a week.
  Liza: Well, how's that possible? I mean, I see him every morning as I'm going to work.
  Adam: Obviously, that's for our benefit.
  Liza: Where is he now?
  Adam: I don't know. No one has seen him since last night.
  Liza: Ok, uh, maybe he's with Jamie, or Laurie. We can call Tad's.
  Adam: No, I'm calling the police.
  Liza: No, don't do that.
  Adam: My son is missing.
  Liza: You don't know that.
  Adam: Can you tell me where he is?
  Liza: Adam, I'm just asking you not to jump until we can give this a chance. Are you listening? Please don't. Just stay out of this.
  Adam: No, if either of us should stay out of this, Liza, it's you.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Jack: You want to know what I said to Chris? I simply suggested that if he felt he couldn't trust you, then maybe he shouldn't marry you.
  Erica: I beg your pardon. Just who do you think you are, Jackson?
  Chris: Erica, Erica, it is not his fault. I asked him the question and you walked in on his answer.
  Erica: You asked him if you should marry me? This is just so unbelievably humiliating. You are having doubts about marrying me, but you don't come to me? Do -- how do you think that makes me feel?
  Chris: Well, forgive me for being human, Erica. I needed somebody to talk to for a change, and I thought Jackson might give me some insight to the situation.
  Erica: Into whether you should marry me? Oh, my God. Chris, what's happened to us? How could you stop trusting me?
  Jack: Maybe he thinks he has reason not to.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Alison: I don't think this is a good idea. Look, I have better things to do with my time than connect the dots for you. Why don't you tell Jake I said Hi.
  Mia: Unless those better things have to do with explaining to the hospital administration board what you did with the chief of staff to improve your bedside manner, I think it would be wise for you to sit down and answer my questions. Could we get some menus over here? Think I'm working up an appetite.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Simone: Ah, thank you.
  Joni: Please, just let me help you.
  Simone: Oh, you just did, thanks. Now you can go.
  Joni: You know what I mean. I can get the school into Fusion if you just let me.
  Simone: You need a boyfriend, seriously, someone else other than myself that you can bug.
  Joni: I had one, Ok?
  Simone: Yeah, and where'd he go, crazy?
  Joni: No, my best friend stole him away from me.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Jamie: Did JR do something to upset you?
  Laurie: No. I haven't seen him since the Fusion party, before Joni told him that we --
  Jamie: Yeah.
  Laurie: You know. I call him, but he won't call me back, and he hasn't been in class all week. He's totally avoiding me.
  Jamie: JR shouldn't treat you like that. You don't deserve it.
  Laurie: Maybe I do after what I did.
  Jamie: Laurie, we kissed. That's it. Period.
  Laurie: Thanks.
  Jamie: Hey, at least you don't have to deal with Mr. Chandler anymore.
  Laurie: Harvard. God, I can't believe I actually thought that was going to solve anything.
  Jamie: You're smart enough to go on your own. You just don't need Mr. Chandler's money.
  Laurie: Jamie, if I don't qualify for financial aid, I can't even go to P.V.U.
  Jamie: You'll get financial aid, and I'm sure you'll get a bunch of academic scholarships, too.
  Laurie: I hope so. Without JR, college is, like, all I have left now.
  Jamie: That's not true. You still have me.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Liza: So now you're going to blame me for what's happened to JR? He doesn't want you solving his problems for him.
  Adam: Yeah, well, it's too late now. He's gone, and I don't know where he is, and I don't know how to find him, short of calling the police.
  Liza: Which is exactly what you shouldn't do. Adam, you should let him learn these lessons on his own. He needs you to be his father. He needs you to be there. When he's ready, he will come to you.
  Adam: It's the same damn thing!
  Liza: No, it's not! Are you listening to me?
  Adam: Oh, ok. All right, I think I'm getting it now. I am too controlling and too domineering and too overbearing, and why don't I just lie down and roll over and play dead like any other lap dog.
  Liza: So that's what you really think I'm asking you to do?
  Adam: Well, with all those ridiculous therapy sessions you had me going to, I don't know. I don't know, but you certainly don't seem to be addressing any of your faults.
  Liza: And trying to fix our marriage is a fault of mine?
  Adam: No, you're not trying to fix our marriage, you're trying to end it, and like with everything else that you fail at, you blame me for it!
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Lysistrata: Uh, I thought you were a patient.
  Tad: Yeah, I get that a lot.
  Lysistrata: Oh.
  Tad: Must be the slightly lost look around my eyes. I'm not sure.
  Lysistrata: You feel lost?
  Tad: No, it's just a look. My eyebrows grow like this. I mean, not that I couldn't use a little couch time these days.
  Lysistrata: Hmm. So what do you want, a date or a session?
  Tad: A date? What, you mean, like, now?
  Lysistrata: Yeah, I've got some time. I thought you were my 5:00 an hour early. New patient, they're always early.
  Tad: No, no, no, seriously, thank you, but no. I'm just -- I just came here to ask you about dinner.
  Lysistrata: When?
  Tad: Now. Oh, uh -- I don't know, I figured sometime, you know, around dinnertime.
  Lysistrata: What's wrong with right now?
  Tad: You got a patient in an hour.
  Lysistrata: Um, actually, 55 minutes.
  Tad: Well, how much can you really get out of that?
  Lysistrata: Sweetie, the hour is for the patient, not for me, and you'd be surprised how much I can get out of that 55-minute session.
  Tad: I'll bet. Are you getting something out of me right now?
  Lysistrata: Uh-huh.
  Tad: Ok. I'll play. Fine. Just out of, you know, professional curiosity, what are you drawing so far?
  Lysistrata: Why are you so nervous?
  Tad: You're good.
  Lysistrata: I know.
  [Tad sighs]
  Tad: Well -- fine, you know, when in Rome -- uh, I guess I just never figured that I would be here again, you know? Not here in your office here, but here asking you, a woman, out on a date.
  Lysistrata: Don't you like women?
  Tad: Like you read about.
  Lysistrata: And when you look at me, do you -- well, do you see a woman?
  Tad: Why? Is there something under the dress I should know about?
  Lysistrata: Nope, but there's something you're hiding.
  Tad: Well, I don't want to brag.
  Lysistrata: Ha! Cute, using humor as a defense tactic. I've never seen that before.
  Tad: I pride myself on originality.
  Lysistrata: I want to know what you're not telling me, Tad, and until you do, this isn't a date, it's a session, and, incidentally, I'm on the clock.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Simone: Your best friend stole your boyfriend? Laurie? Um, Ok. Ok, so I can understand why you'd want to throw yourself into work as a distraction.
  Joni: So does that mean I can help?
  Simone: No.
  Joni: Why not?
  Simone: Oh, honey, I have already made a ton of stupid mistakes trying to get the public to notice Fusion, and involving you in a plan to break into the school is by far the worst.
  Joni: Well, we wouldn't breaking in, though.
  Simone: Oh, I can't think of anything more stupid than -- what is she doing here?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Alison: Shouldn't you be asking your fiancé these questions?
  Mia: If I had one I would, but I don't.
  Alison: You guys broke up?
  Mia: No, Jake left. There was no official breakup.
  Alison: He moved out of the apartment, just like that?
  Mia: No, he left town, just like that. Right after the party.
  Alison: What?
  Mia: Yeah. As my friend Kendall would say, he flat left me, you, his family, his friends.
  Alison: I thought I didn't see him around the hospital because we had conflicting schedules.
  Mia: All right, well, no such luck with that, huh?
  Alison: Why is this little meeting taking place?
  Mia: Jake can't answer the questions that I have. So that leaves you.
  Simone: Mia. Hi, honey. Are you out of your mind?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Laurie: Look, Jamie, you know I like you, I do, but as a friend, and until I talk to JR --
  Jamie: Yeah, I know.
  Laurie: Because if there's even, like, the slightest chance --
  Jamie: He doesn't deserve you.
  Laurie: Look, I have to go. I've got to talk to my dad about filling out those financial aid forms.
  Jamie: Sounds like a fun night. Do you want me to walk you home?
  Laurie: No, it's ok.
  Jamie: Ok. Well -- yeah. Sorry. I keep doing that.
  Laurie: It's ok. Really, it's all right. Bye.
  Jamie: See you.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Tad: I'm telling you, I'm looking you square in the face and saying I am fine, you know? I am -- I am perfectly fine. I am somewhere around normal, even.
  Lysistrata: You know that saying, "there's no such thing as normal"?
  Tad: Sure.
  Lysistrata: Yeah, it's true. You yourself said you could use a little couch time.
  Tad: I was -- I was just being funny, you know, like trying to break the ice?
  Lysistrata: Yeah, yeah, again using humor as a defensive tactic.
  Tad: I'm not being defensive. Well, I am now, but, you know, I wasn't then, before.
  Lysistrata: Uh-huh. Before you were what?
  Tad: Being charming.
  Lysistrata: You like yourself.
  Tad: I'm a likeable guy.
  Lysistrata: You believe other people are just naturally drawn to you.
  Tad: Yeah, it's a blessing and a curse.
  Lysistrata: And the women in your life -- which do they think it is?
  Tad: What? Oh. Oh, I got it. I got it. Oh, my God, she told you about it, didn't she?
  Lysistrata: Uh --
  Tad: Yeah, no, no, no, she came into this office, she laid down on your little Sigmund Freud knockoff here, and she -- would you stop writing for a second? She told you.
  Lysistrata: I'm sorry, I don't follow.
  Tad: Yes, you do. Liza told you about our kiss, didn't she?
  Tad: No, no, no, wait. You're not my doctor, you're my date.
  Lysistrata: You pay all of your dates?
  Tad: During a dry spell, and don't change the subject. You're busting me about Liza. That's what's going on here.
  Lysistrata: Tad, even if I wanted to --
  Tad: Ok, fine, fine, if you don't want to talk about it, I will. Did she also happen to mention that she tracked me down and kissed me again?
  Lysistrata: She did what?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Liza: Let's just get one thing straight -- I don't want to be married to a yes man, but I will not be bullied. If this marriage fails, it will be both our faults.
  Adam: Liza, Liza -- I'm sorry. I -- you hit a nerve. Ok? I -- I know that I haven't been much of a father or a husband, not as I should have been, and you and JR are having to pay the price for it. It's -- it's a hard thing to live with.
  Liza: It could just be that JR needed some space. He's down at the carriage house, playing with Colby. I just think we should check before we jump to conclusions.
  Adam: Thank you.
  [Phone rings]
  Adam: Hello?
  Laurie: Mr. Chandler? It's Laurie Lewis.
  Adam: What do you want?
  Laurie: I just wanted to thank you, but I can't accept your offer to pay for me to go to Harvard.
  Adam: Is JR with you?
  Laurie: No, he's -- I don't know where he is.
  Adam: You don't know where JR is?
  Laurie: No.
  Adam: Put my son on the phone. I want to talk to him.
  Laurie: Mr. Chandler, I swear, JR's not here. I haven't seen him all week.
  Doug: Give me this.
  Adam: Laurie?
  [Phone disconnects]
  Adam: Hello? Damn.
  [Doorbell rings]
  Adam: Winifred! Why isn't anyone ever where they're supposed to be in this house? Oh, it's you.
  Jamie: Is JR home?
  Adam: Is JR home? Just how stupid do you kids think I am?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Erica: Look, Jackson is hardly objective about me.
  Chris: What are you talking about? He's one of your oldest friends.
  Erica: He's also one of my toughest critics.
  Jack: Well, no, I've also been known to praise you from time to time.
  Erica: Chris, the best one to talk to about me is me. You shouldn't be talking to Jackson about us.
  Chris: Well, he's the only one who's been willing to listen lately.
  Erica: What?
  Chris: Wait. Erica, look, what you two have I want for us. I mean, you don't have to ask one another questions because you instinctually know the answer. You're both on the same page.
  Jack: Well, I couldn't agree more.
  Chris: All I want is to make you happy.
  Erica: And you do. You do, Chris. Look, if I have some sort of an unspoken language with Jackson, it's just some historical thing. It doesn't mean anything anymore at all.
  Chris: Maybe I just love you too much.
  Erica: No.
  Chris: Yes. Because my kind of love can make a man crazy.
  Erica: What do you mean, crazy?
  Chris: I thought that there might have been a chance you were cheating on me.
  Erica: Look, Chris, you've got to stop this, ok? You got to stop talking to me like this because I just can't take it anymore. Because the truth is you're right.
  Chris: What are you saying to me, Erica?
  Erica: I have been cheating on you. With Enchantment.
  Chris: Go on.
  Erica: Ever since this nightmare with Fusion, my priorities, my -- I let myself get distracted by that and I just wasn't thinking anymore about what is most important to me -- you, us, our marriage.
  Chris: You --
  Erica: I haven't been putting you first.
  Chris: You -- you feel unfaithful not putting me first?
  Erica: Yes. Of course I do. I know I come first with you. Why would I expect you to settle for anything less from me?
  Chris: I -- I don't know what to say.
  Erica: You don't have to say anything. Just please, just please promise me that if anything is bothering you about me that I'm the first person, that I'm the only person that you'll turn to.
  Chris: Ok, but only -- only if you do the same.
  Erica: Absolutely. Absolutely. Please, let's not fight.
  Chris: Ok. Look, I -- I have some things that I need to take care of, but I want to talk to you more about this -- in private.
  Erica: Absolutely, yes. Soon, please?
  Chris: Uh-huh. I'll meet you back at the penthouse.
  Erica: All right. I'll be waiting.
  Chris: Good. Uh -- thanks for listening.
  Jack: Boy, I got to hand it to you, Erica, you've still got your moves.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Adam: No one has seen JR since last night.
  Jamie: Really?
  Adam: Really. His little girlfriend called, says she doesn't know where he is, and then you show up at the front door looking for him.
  Jamie: So?
  Adam: "So"? I should accept that as a coincidence?
  Jamie: I don't know.
  Adam: You don't know? Well, you are a familiar sight around here. You're welcome to come and go as you please. No one's going to question seeing you come out of JR's room with a few of his things.
  Jamie: You think I'm hiding JR? I haven't even seen him since the party. Laurie hasn't, either. He's been avoiding us.
  Adam: Oh, really? Avoiding his best friend and his girlfriend? Now, why do you think that would be?
  Jamie: I don't know.
  Adam: Really? Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think it's because you kissed his girlfriend, because you betrayed him.
  Jamie: Who told you -- who told you that?
  Adam: I heard them talking about it at the party.
  Jamie: Who?
  Adam: JR and the little girl, the blonde one.
  Jamie: Joni?
  Adam: Joni. Yes, that's her. You've always been jealous of JR. You've always wanted what he has, and JR, being the kind of man he is, has always been very sharing with you, and how did you repay his generosity? You made moves after his girlfriend.
  Jamie: JR doesn't deserve Laurie, not with the way he treats her. I told her not to blame him, because he doesn't know any better. How could he with a father like you?
  Adam: You snide little punk.
  Jamie: You know, forget it.
  Adam: How dare you!
  Jamie: Forget it!
  Adam: No, no, you're not going anywhere until you tell me where my son is!
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Doug: What are those?
  Laurie: My financial aid forms, for college.
  Doug: Oh. I thought big man Chandler was paying your way.
  Laurie: Dad, I turned him down. I told him I couldn't accept his offer.
  Doug: You mean his charity.
  Laurie: Look, I can fill out all the information. You just need to sign here. That's all I need you to do.
  Doug: Uh-huh. Well, what if I don't want to sign these stupid papers, huh?
  Laurie: That -- that would keep me from going to college.
  Doug: Well, you could go to school a lot of places that don't cost a ton of money to say you're smart enough and good enough.
  Laurie: You're the one who doesn't think I'm good enough.
  Doug: I think you're plenty good! I just don't think I need to fork over all of my money to prove it!
  Laurie: Dad, I can't stay here my whole life. I'll die!
  Doug: Oh, come on, Laurie, you're not going to die. This is your home!
  Laurie: I don't want to be here anymore!
  Doug: What, are you ashamed of me? Huh? You don't respect your father, but you'll sell it to Junior Chandler? Well, let me tell you something, sweetheart -- money does not buy happiness!
  Laurie: No! It just buys you all the beer you can drink, which I guess to you is happiness!
  Doug: Huh? What are you talking about?
  Laurie: Dad --
  Doug: What are you saying?
  Laurie: Dad, you're hurting me!
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Tad: [German accent] So, the patient failed to mention the second encounter. Interesting.
  Lysistrata: But you enjoyed it.
  Tad: [Normal voice] Why not? It's hard not to enjoy something you're good at.
  Lysistrata: Doesn't it bother you that Liza's a married woman?
  Tad: I don't know, does it bother you? I mean, are you asking me as a therapist or as a woman, you know, a potential date?
  Lysistrata: Well, the therapist route doesn't seem to be working, so what the hell, I'm your date.
  Tad: Thank you. In all honesty, I wasn't looking to get something started with Liza.
  Lysistrata: What are you looking for?
  Tad: You know what -- it's your turn.
  Lysistrata: My turn?
  Tad: Yep.
  Lysistrata: What are you talking about?
  Tad: I'm tired of talking about me. We're going to talk about you. This is a date. Let's get going. Now, you give me that and lie down on that thing.
  Lysistrata: Oh, no, no, no, I hate that thing.
  Tad: Yeah, let's go.
  Lysistrata: It's very suffocating.
  Tad: Now you know how I feel. Down. Go on, down. Good. Ok. Comfy?
  Lysistrata: No. I -- I can't cross my legs.
  Tad: And how does that make you feel?
  Lysistrata: Vulnerable.
  Tad: Excellent. We're off to a good start.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Simone: Jake's a jerk, Alison's a ho. What more do you need to know?
  Mia: I need to know why.
  Simone: Do you really think you're really going to feel better, hmm?
  Mia: Maybe. Maybe not.
  Simone: Ok. Fine. If you really think that's what you want. You have my cell.
  Mia: Yeah, and the police station on speed dial. Well, you never know with you.
  Simone: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I am so going to kill her.
  [Simone sighs]
  Alison: My shift starts in 15 minutes.
  Mia: Yeah, well, that's all this is going to take.
  Alison: Look, Mia, things happen. Right, wrong, indifferent -- they just do. I'm sorry you got hurt. Now I have to go.
  Mia: Sit down, now. I am not finished with you yet.
   Men laughing 
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Jamie: I don't know where JR is! And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.
  Adam: Get out!
  Jamie: If JR's smart, he'll never come back home.
  Adam: You'd like that, wouldn't you? Without him here, it'd be a lot easier for you to move in on his girlfriend. You can't compete with JR -- not now, not ever. No Martin ever bested a Chandler!
  Jamie: Yeah. You might want to ask your wife about that. Bet she doesn't agree with you.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Laurie: Dad, you're hurting me.
  Doug: What -- get -- you know, Laurie, I don't know where this attitude comes from. You know, I think you got it pretty good around here. I provide for you, right? Don't I? Pay for your food, pay for these clothes that you parade around in, that car you borrow. Who pays for the gas?
  Laurie: Dad, you're supposed to do stuff like that! That's what dads do.
  Doug: Well, you know, it'd be nice if you showed a little gratitude!
  Laurie: I help out around -- I do everything. I work two jobs, and now, if I want to go to college, I'm going to have to get a third one!
  Doug: Oh. You know, you had Chandler's free ride in your pocket for five minutes and now nothing's good enough for you!
  Laurie: I wish I had accepted Mr. Chandler's offer. Anything is better than staying here.
  Doug: Well, you're not paying -- he's not paying anything!
  Laurie: It's not your decision to make!
  Doug: You want to bet? You're going to stay here where you belong, and that's the end of it!
  Laurie: Why? Why don't I get to go to college? Everybody else gets to graduate, everybody else gets to be happy, but not me! You won't let me, and I don't know why! What did I do?
  Doug: Laurie, listen, you could be just as happy here as anywhere else!
  Laurie: Just like you are. You're miserable and you want me to be miserable, too! And I hate you for it!
  Doug: What did you say?
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Tad: All right, considering this is costing me more than dinner would have, I'll play. What exactly do you think I am hiding behind?
  Lysistrata: The man you used to be.
  Tad: The man I used to be was a mess. I'm very grateful for evolution.
  Lysistrata: I'm not talking about who you were in the past. I'm talking about who you are inside, the man who's buried deep down in there, the man who's dying to break out and live again.
  Tad: Oh, him. He wants to break out and do what again?
  Lysistrata: Come on! He wants to live again! He wants to jump out of an airplane!
  Tad: Wrong! I've already done that! Huh? I've also gone off a bridge, I've fallen into bed with a woman and her mother, I have been bound and gagged, poured into a dress, and made love in the green grass behind the stadium.
  Lysistrata: Wow. You've got some heavy baggage.
  Tad: I like to think of it as character.
  Lysistrata: Aren't you tired of covering with the quick one-liners?
  Tad: Only when they fall flat.
  Lysistrata: I'm serious.
  Tad: So am I. Aren't you tired?
  Lysistrata: Of what, you? No.
  Tad: Uh-uh, of what you're hiding behind.
  Lysistrata: And what's that?
  Tad: You know, this whole wacky, crazy, zany, Goldie Hawn thing, right, with a 1960s hairstyle and this office and that -- that voice.
  Lysistrata: Oh, this is my natural voice.
  Tad: Really?
  Lysistrata: Mm-hmm.
  Tad: Well, um -- I'm sure that underneath all that stuff is a very interesting woman.
  Lysistrata: Hmm. Damn interesting.
  Tad: You think she wants to come out and play with the guy hidden in me?
  Lysistrata: Absolutely. What do you have in mind?
  Tad: I don't know yet. Want to get drunk?
  Lysistrata: Juvenile. I've got something better in mind. You into leather?
  Singers: The Cad.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Jack: All right, now, what the hell was that for?
  Erica: Oh, you are so smug, standing there, leading Chris from accusation to accusation without one concern for what that does to me!
  Jack: Hey, he came to me, sweetheart, I didn't go to him, and any ideas that Chris has gotten in his head he hasn't gotten from me!
  Erica: Are you saying that I'm giving him reason to doubt me?
  Jack: Oh, like the way you came running into that door? Come on, that wasn't the least bit suspicious?
  Erica: You told Chris that he shouldn't marry me!
  Jack: That's because he shouldn't marry you!
  Erica: That's because you want me for yourself!
  Jack: That is only part of it!
  Erica: That's the biggest part of it! Jackson, you have got to let this go! Please. Please, you cannot ruin my life because of one little mistake.
  Jack: The only mistake you made was saying yes to Chris' proposal.
  Erica: No, that is the only thing I did right! When we made love, if I thought that this one act of kindness was going to haunt me for the rest of my life --
  Jack: "Act of kindness"? And you don't know what a haunting is until you marry that guy. Then you will know, then you will know. You'll be haunted like Rosemary's baby!
  Erica: Chris loves me and I love him!
  Jack: He is not the man you think he is, Erica, and he is not near as worried about you deceiving him as he is you finding out that he's already deceiving you.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Chris: Let me have another one, all right?
  Bartender: Coming right up.
  Michael: Ahem.
  Chris: Damn the devil. As I live and breathe, there he is.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Mia: So, where'd you guys do it, huh?
  Alison: You know, I was willing to indulge you, but now you're just being insulting.
  Mia: How would you like me to be really insulting, you pathetic little whore?
  Alison: We did it in his office. He practically ripped the buttons right off of my sweater and made me blush telling me all the things he wanted to do to me. We did it on his desk, twice.
  Mia: Oh, very classy. So who came on to who, huh? Was it Jake? Was he feeling misunderstood? Was he feeling like less of a man because I wanted my own career? What was it? I mean, was I just not -- was I just not doing it for him in that way? Is that what he told you to get you on his desk?
  Alison: You didn't come up.
  Mia: Oh, ok. So, what, you guys just didn't talk? You didn't talk? You just --
  Alison: We just -- we didn't talk.
  Mia: Oh. So, how was the sex? Was it good?
  Alison: Look, I'm sorry he left you, I'm sorry he cheated on you. I hope you have a nice life. Why don't you pick up a spine on your way out.
  Mia: I said was the sex good?
  Alison: It was the best I ever had. I can't even look at a mahogany desk without getting hot. Happy?
  Mia: Not yet, no.
  Alison: Ok. What do you want to know now?
  Mia: When it was all over, when you two were finished, did he brush the hair out of your face and tell you how beautiful you looked? Did he tell you how good your skin felt against his skin or how much he loved you? Did he promise you that it would always be like that? Hmm?
  Alison: No.
  Mia: No. Do you know what that makes you, Alison?
  Alison: A slut?
  Mia: No. It makes you lucky, because he didn't play you for a fool.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Simone: What did I tell you not to do? What?
  Joni: Uh, you told me not to help you. I know, but -- but you didn't say anything about me doing it myself.
  Simone: Oh! Are you kidding?
  Joni: Come on, Simone, look, look, even you can admit this is good.
  Simone: Uh -- yeah, you know, when I did this, I was arrested.
  Joni: What?
  Simone: Yes, so let's go before you really get into trouble. Grab your stuff. Come on.
  Guard: Oh, it's just a little too late for that, ladies.
  Simone: Officer.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Doug: You hate me?
  Laurie: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Daddy.
  Doug: Oh, now it's, "I'm sorry, Daddy," huh, Laurie? Do I need to remind you how it works around here, huh?
  Laurie: Dad! No, Daddy!
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Liza: Well, JR wasn't at the carriage house.
  Adam: What did Jamie mean when he said you wouldn't agree with me?
  Liza: I don't know. What did you say to him?
  Adam: I said that no Martin could Everest a Chandler.
  Liza: How Shakespearean of you.
  Adam: Liza?
  Liza: I think he might be referring to something that he heard about.
  Adam: And what would that be?
  Liza: I kissed Tad.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Lysistrata: Whoo! Was that fun or what?
  Tad: Oh! My God! I can't catch my breath!
  Lysistrata: Feels good, doesn't it?
  Tad: It feels amazing! That last thing you did --
  Lysistrata: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
  Tad: My legs still hurt from hanging on.
  Lysistrata: Hmm.
  Tad: You are one wild woman.
  Lysistrata: Well, practice and you'll get used to it.
  Tad: You think?
  Lysistrata: Mm-hmm. Once you get into it, it's like an addiction. You want to do it all the time, every day, and you'll never be satisfied until you climb back on.
  Tad: Sweet.
  Lysistrata: Ever think a motorcycle --
  Tad: No, no, no, no, credit where credit is due. That thing you got is not a motorcycle, it is a hog.
  Lysistrata: Yeah. Ever think my hog could make you feel this way?
  Tad: Not in a million years.
  [SCENE_BREAK]
  Erica: Chris may be rough around the edges, but he is decent and he is honorable!
  Jack: Yeah, you sure about that?
  Erica: Yes, I am sure about that! I know my fiancé!
  Jack: You don't even know yourself these days, Erica. You don't know what you want, and you know what you're going to end up with? A broken heart.
  Erica: I want Chris.
  Jack: He's not the man you think he is, Erica. I'm telling you like a friend, he's not the man you think he is, he is not the man you want him to be!
  Erica: You mean he's not you. He's not arrogant, he's not egotistical --
  Jack: Oh, you know what, you fracture me! You just kill me! You come running in here, pretending to be so afraid that I'm going to tell Chris about us, but I know why you're here. That's just a convenient excuse. The real reason you're here is because you can't stop thinking about me.
  Erica: Oh, that is not true. That is not true at all. I'm going home.
  Jack: Yeah, well, you tell me what's going to happen next time Chris kisses you, next time he touches you, undresses you, and all you can do is think of me.
  Erica: I don't think of you, Jack.
  Jack: Liar.
  Erica: You don't know a damn thing about what I want, and you never have.
  Jack: I know you want this.
  [NEXT_ON]
  Adam: Go make Tad your lover again.
  Michael: You don't trust your fiancée, do you?
  Chris: You're courting some serious trouble here.
  Erica: What do you think you saw, Reggie?
  Reggie: Oh, two horny people about to go get nasty.
  Greenlee: I'm not here to bail you out, Simone, I'm here to fire you.
summary: Tad stops by Lysistrata's office to ask her out. She mistakes him for a patient. Tad finds out that Liza told Lysistrata about their kiss and tells her she kissed him a second time. She tells him he is looking for adventure. They go for a spin on her motorcycle. Adam finds out that J.R. hasn't been in school all week. Neither Liza nor Adam knows where he is, and they argue about how to handle the situation. Adam interrogates Laurie when she calls looking for him. When Jamie stops by, Adam rakes him over the coals. He accuses Jamie of hiding J.R., and then he says Jamie stabbed J.R. in the back. Liza tells Adam she kissed Tad. Jackson tells Erica he told Chris he should call off the wedding if he doesn't trust her. Erica is angry with Chris for talking to Jackson about their relationship. She tells him to come to her with problems. Chris tells Erica he wishes their relationship were as close as her and Jackson's. He admits he thought she was cheating on him. She admits she has been working too much. They kiss and make up and Chris leaves. Erica gets angry with Jackson and asks him why he is trying to ruin things for her. He insinuates that Chris is not telling the truth about himself. Erica defends Chris. She tries to leave, but Jackson pins her against the door and kisses her. Mia arranges a meeting with Alison by pretending Jake has summoned her. Alison is surprised and gets up to leave. Mia stops her by threatening to go to the hospital board. Mia tells her Jake is gone, so she is the only one who can answer her questions. Alison tells her some of the explicit details of her encounters with Jake, and Mia calls her a whore. Joni decides to plaster the school with Fusion posters, even after Simone tells her not to. Simone tries to stop her, but a security guard catches them before they can take them down. Laurie turns down Adam's offer to pay for Harvard. Her father overhears the conversation. They argue about college and why he should have to pay for it. He thinks she should stay in Pine Valley. Laurie doesn't understand why he is holding her back.