Picture this. I’m walking and talking with a friend on a trail through the forest. We meet a group of three or four people and a young dog. Me being me I bait the dog with eye contact and head movement. Being a young dog it wiggles and squirms over to me. I pat it for a few seconds, say something vacuous about genetic programming, and carry on.
All well and good except my companion asks, “Was that aimed at us?” She’d heard one of the other party saying something about social distancing, and seen the speaker’s sour facial expression. We were left wondering whether I’d crossed over a boundary. If I did cross a line I didn’t know what line, and the aggrieved one was left with a festering, unheard resentment.
Passive aggressive communication uses words, actions, or inaction, to indirectly express negative feelings rather than plainly naming the feeling or need. In some cases it is characterized by words and actions that don’t match. I may do what I’m asked while making sarcastic comments about the nature of the task; or agree to a plan and then show up late without having completed my part of the preparation; or I go along while being the brooding sourpuss off to the side. People who habitually behave in passive aggressive fashion often have a bitter attitude and complain of being unappreciated in an unfair world.
A passive aggressive style will have been learned, and as with an assertive style it will reflect and reinforce an attitude and beliefs about one’s self and the world.
We learn communication styles in our families of origin through the modelling of others in the family, our own experience, and according to how safe we feel expressing our emotions. If emotional literacy isn’t coached in a child and expressed needs are not met, while drama and manipulation do get rewarded, communicating in a passive aggressive style becomes a habit.
We also refine our communication style as adults. Some workplaces are characterized by passive aggressive communication. Passive aggressive behaviour allows for some sense of resistance without the risk of putting oneself out there. It isn’t just vague and non-committal, which can be annoying enough, it causes discomfort for another person – while maintaining a buffer of deniability.
When dealing with passive aggressive behaviour it is important to stay on point. Avoid getting caught in the drama of the style, don’t try to change the other, or engage in an argument or debate. It is important to be clearly and respectfully assertive and stay focused on one point. That should be a single incident or action, not a generalization, attack, criticism, or description of a long historical pattern. Some good counsel can be found here: https://greatist.com/grow/respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior#quick-recap
The front line work on passive aggressive behaviour is work on ourselves. Here is a great list from Healthline
- Be aware of your behaviour
- Consider what unexpressed emotion cold be at play
- Think before you speak or act
- Calm yourself before engaging; practice self-regulation
- Stay optimistic
- Be honest, be assertive
The viral part of passive aggressive behaviour is that it can provoke more of the same in return. Exactly as it is confusing and unclear, it is annoying. Reactions out of confusion and annoyance are not my best self. Self calming, reflection, self awareness, and respect are like hand washing to passive aggressivity.
We humans are driven to connect; with dogs and with people. I don’t know whether or not I upset someone by patting their dog, or lingering for a moment on the trail. If so it would helpful to me to know a line was there, and that needed to be clearly communicated. “Excuse me, when you pat my dog I worry about.......... Please..........”. That would have been a point of contact without contamination.
Here is the challenge: If you know something about dogs as vectors for Corona viruses you have a choice. You can mutter about it to yourself and grumble away, cursing and condemning people, or you can pass on the info in a respectfully stated comment.