Unbelievably Bad ... Even by the standard of Brian Herbert & Kevin Anderson
930054
I won't expand on what others have already stated so well - the insipid writing, the assumption that the readers are idiots who need to be beat over the head with backstory and foreshadowing, the 1-dimensional cartoonish characters, the ridiculous idea of bringing all the characters from the original series and the prequels back, etc.

It's bad enough that the enemy that the Honoured Matres are running away from is Omnius (that's not a spoiler, anybody who read either the House series or the Legends series would know that).  But the old couple from the end of Chapterhouse are ... Omnius and Erasmus?!  Are they kidding.

We are constantly reminded that BH and KJA have access to Frank Herbert's notes.  Well, that may be true, but I am 100% certain that those notes have nothing to do with this book.  There is no way on Earth that Frank Herbert's notes indicated that Omnius was the unknown enemy because in Frank Herbert's universe there was no Omnius.  When he was talking about domination by thinking machines he clearly had something more subtle in mind that the simplistic interpretation of BH and KJA.  And he certainly didn't intend the old couple (who represented him and his wife) to be machines.
2530528
Forget "Christian propaganda".  Asylum films is simply trying to make a buck by making cheap knock-offs of popular movies by producing similar themes and near identical titles.  I bought this for $5 at Walmart, and I am sorely tempted to soak in in gasoline and toss it in the air so I can shoot it with a shotgun and get some satsifaction out of this abomination.

First off, let me say that the sound and audio mixing in the movie are TERRIBLE. I was constantly having to crank the volume up to hear what was being said in one part, only to have to turn it down when sound effects or music suddenly started blasting.  Conversations are recorded at different levels throughout the film, and apparently little or no effort was spent on equalizing it.

Next, the acting. I HAVE seen worse - far worse. I will be generous and say that the acting was B-movie grade. Honestly, I blame more of the disappointment on bad editting: some scenes dragged on painfully longer than they should have, while other seemingly important points were skipped or rushed past. It was extremely hard to sit through the whole thing - thankfully I was helping cook dinner while I watched, and could easily spare most of my attention in the kitchen without missing a single plot point.

Special effects: well, whomever did the special effects for this dog must have ridden the "short bus". Bright sunny lighting while straw blows through the air? Snow falling in scene after scene, again on bright sunny days with absolutely no build up on the ground, or even wetness? Dark gloomy sky with a huge tornado - people running away in terror - camera pans down to a nice sunny street - what the??? There was a scene with the station wagon careening wildly down the highway trying to dodge hailstones (really?) smashing off the pavement everywhere; suddenly the driver is killed by a hailstone through the windshield and apparently God (or the Director) was satisfied because the car comes to a halt and no more hailstones - even on the ground outside. The altar room scene done in CGI was about the only special effect I won't complain about.

Timeline - an AMAZING amount takes place in a should 28 hour period. Perhaps the "slowing down of the Earth's rotation" can account for it all, but I sure can't. 5 hour flights and 12 hour drives compressed into 1 or 2 hours? I ... never mind.

Just take my (and everyone else's) word for it - this movie is sheer torture to watch. If you want a good Apocalypse movie, try the real 2012, or Apocalypse, or Deep Impact, The day after tomorrow, or even Tycus.  If you want a good Revelations movie, try Left Behind or Omega Code, or Tribulation Force.
1545732
I ordered this movie because I mistakenly thought it was the one based on John Fowles novel about an ESL teacher who runs into some weird adventures on a small Greek island.

No such luck.

It's a B-movie about a modern-day wizard, a renegade from his order called "the Magus."

Lordy Lord!  Terrible acting, inept directing, cack-handed editing, laughable special effects, and a script that seems like it was written by a 12-year-old.

One can only hope that these filmmakers (and actors) never return to the business.
2404144
I have seen some bad films in my lifetime, but this film literally takes the cake.  Right after watching this film I went over to my wife and asked her if she knew what the film I just watched was all about.  She told me that she didn't see it, and I proceeded with a "Well, you probably know more than I."  What a horrible film!!

I had no idea what was happening for any of this film.  What was the relationship between Holm and Richardson all about?  I thought that he was the father of her child, but then he isn't, but then maybe he is ... WE NEED SOME SORT OF CONSISTENCY HERE PEOPLE!!!  I understand that this film has some respect to it because it was directed by Mike Newell (of Four Weddings and a Funeral fame), but this film really didn't make any sense to me.  Now I watch movies very closely because I don't want to miss anything elaborate, but even if I watched this film for a second time I still think that I wouldn't catch half of it.

This was Richardson's worst role ever.  She screamed most of her lines urging me to almost want to use the subtitles.  Everett tries too hard to be the clichd "uncatchable" male figure in this film, but I just didn't see him as the part.  Holm, well, if I knew what Holm's role in this film was I would be a better person.  It was almost as if he stumbled onto the set by accident and just started acting in some scenes with Richardson and Newell didn't want to take it out.

Nothing was coherent in this film.  The acting was horrible, the story was boring, and there was no string tying this film together.  Instead what you got was a 1000 piece puzzle where the pieces were all from other puzzles.  Nothing seemed to match up.  I understand that sometimes it is good to put into film some major events in our world's history, but I am not sure that the last few months of Ruth Ellis (the last woman hung in England) life was exactly what I needed to get through my life.  This film was so bad that whenever my cat walked by the television his eyes would water and he would have to claw at his ears to make the vision and sound try to disappear.

I have never ... I mean never experienced a film like this.  I am going to end this review now because it is giving me a headache just thinking about it.  This film should definitely have a Mr. Yuck sticker on it prior to renting.  Also, if you get a petition in the mail shortly, it is going to be from me asking to eliminate weapons of mass destruction and replace them with Dance with a Stranger.  It would cause the same amount of damage ... PEEE-EW!!  In the words of Jay Sherman ... the God, the man, the myth ... "IT STINKS".

Grade:  * out of *****
2203824
As a reader/watcher of all things Manson over the past 10 years or so, I was so looking forward to this film. Sorry I bothered!

The actual murders are reproduced in incredible detail, but the rest of the film is trash! I wanted to give up after a short while and go and watch day time tv! Yes, that's how bad this mixed up load of old nonsense really is. The only bonus is the second dvd with its' lengthy excerpt from a real Manson interview.

Avoid this like the plague if you want to know what really happened. If you just like grizzly horror, make sure you skip to the murder chapters. The rest is just a film makers ego trip!...and not a very good one either!
400279
The lead figure in this film, Mark Olly, tries far too hard to appear like some mystery figure; an old fashioned "highway man" of old Britain.  In truth, you would expect to see exactly such characters in this costume making the rounds at all the renaissance faires, or as an unpaid extra on the set of The Fellowship of the Ring, lurking around the Prancing Pony Inn, spying on Frodo.  Such a pathetically, quasi-comical appearance does little but distract from the meager content this film contains.  It is also a (much deserved) invitation to all those rabid debunkers who like to point to the entire subject of UFO research as the domain of nuts, kooks, and those who live in the twilight zone between the real world and the world of their runaway imaginations.  Truly, Mark, if you want your opinions and the information you wish to convey to be taken as anything other than a joke, drop the Dennis Moore attire (Monty Python fans will know exactly what that means!)  Good grief, man, your viewers are all afraid you're going to rob them of their Lupins.  Put on some clothing that is at least circa twentieth century, and maybe, just maybe, someone watching will take you seriously.

As to content, there is precious little of interest here.  Nevertheless, there is the tiniest smidgen, so I rated this one at 3 stars.  Production values are close to non-existent.  Anyone with a modern, digital video recorder could do a much better job with very little effort.  If this had been a project for a junior high class in cinematography, Mr. Olly would be fortunate if his instructor did not fail him for the class.  It's exceptionally amateurish.  I rated it at 3 stars, and someone could make a case with very little effort that this is far too generous a rating.  It is definitely not a $20 DVD.  One sometimes runs across videos at the bargain bin at Walmart for $2.99 or $4.99.  Maybe it would be worth it at that price, but certainly it isn't worth any more.

Would I buy it again, knowing what I know of it now?  For the comedic value...  Hmmmmm... Tough call.  But, no, I have to say I would pass on this one if I had it to do again.  It certainly isn't a video I'm going to pull out and show to anyone who comes calling on me at home.
4604946
I bought this with another in the series, which I've also reviewed. I have to say I didn't make it all the way through this one, reading more out of the morbid curiosity of "how bad can this get" than any actual interest in the characters or story.

There are passages in the book which are so overblown and schlock sci-fi sounding - "With a swirl of fog that just screamed of mysteriousness and enigmatic happenings..." - that you almost suspect he's going for a "so bad it's good" parody. The complete absense of humor elsewhere in the book would seem to speak against this theory however. And don't get me started at his attempts at (presumably) "British" style dialog, which come straight from the "cor blimey guvner" Dick Van Dyke school of language.

The use of grammar and punctuation is, again, appalling throughout, with interminable run-on sentences, devoid of any punctuation, being a regular occurance. The author is also seemingly unaware of the existence of title case, given the title and subtitles of his books. In retrospect this should have been the tip-off that these books weren't what they seemed to be, screaming amateur from the very first time you see them in the Amazon search results. In the biog the author claims to be a teacher. I can only hope this is of Maths, or perhaps P.E. or some other practical subject, as the alternative is too terrible to contemplate.

I had initially thought that these books were the honest attempts of an amateur author, that, although poorly written, it was the work of someone trying their best. The more I think about it though, the more they seem like a cynical attempt to make money for as little effort as possible, using the popular "Sherlock Holmes" & "Doctor Who" brands to hoodwink people into thinking they're buying something of quality.

Though described as novels, the can scarcely be more than 20,000 words, amounting to approximately 100 pages, so would more accurately fall into the short story/ novella category, though this strangely doesn't seem to be reflected in the price. The complete works of Conan Doyle and Edgar Rice Burroughs are available on here for free - don't waste your time and money on this.
1128866
I'm in disbelief at the shotty production and performances that is Border Break.  All involved should find a new line of work, clearly you've made a wrong turn down the highway of life.

This movie was utterly painful to watch and even harder to hear.  Actors should be able to articulate and deliver their lines so that the viewer can understand what is being said, they missed the mark dreadfully.

I rented this film based in large part on the IMBd rating which must be a typo or a kick back between those that own this junk & the publication reviewer because this is just, dare I say, garbage.  Shame on you IMBd, the publication should be forced to watch this crap again as punishment for the high rating which misled me into renting this atrociousness.  The 5-star reviews:  One reviewer has the same last name as a supporting actor the other has reviewed only one film - BB.

Fair warning friends - avoid at all costs. Less than zero.
3140231
This is a really, really bad movie. So bad, I didn't finish the last 30 or so minutes, out of a migraine only a movie like this could bring. Out of all my reviews, I've only rated two movies. One because I loved it, and this one because I had high hopes for it...but ended up hating it. I mean, come on. God is ticked off at humanity (as if he/she/it didn't already know the depths of stupidity we're all capable of), so he (just to make it simple) decides to send his angels down to inhabit people who drive up in old muscle cars and will quickly remind you of the apocalyptic anarchist types from the 80's films. Unfortunately, God is handicapped by the excruciatingly slow zombie-like humans, where you can just imagine the all-powerful upstairs screaming, "go man, GO!!!" This pile of nonsense utilizes the same dumb effects you'll see in any post-2000 B-horror film and the dialogue makes you want to poke both eardrums out. The only scary part to this film is the one you've already seen in the commercials, and even then you wish the old lady would keep her mouth shut, since the only frightening part comes from her sporadic movements around the cafe. There is an enormous, and I mean ENORMOUS problem with this scene when you finally find out what the purpose of her (the old lady) being there was, but I won't "spoil" it for you, if that's even possible. I'm one of those people who believes no on on earth has a single clue about what God is and believe we're incapable of trying to understand something like that with our puny brains, but I've got to believe that a God would never allow any physical being to do anything he/she/it would not want it to do. That makes making any movie where a physical being attempt to rise up against such a powerful force,a little ridiculous. I hope someone finds a clever way to do this. This is a straight-to-dvd that accidentally got sent to the theaters. I'm sorry to everyone who lost their money. And if God is up there speed-reading this review, I just want to apologize. We can do better.
4044803
This movie has to be one of the worst pictures of all time. I knew after seeing the original I'd probobly be dissappointed, but I was in for a shock. This movie is truly horrid. First of all, in a crime caper YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE TO ROBBERS.
In this stinker, I find myself actually rooting for the Casino!. None of the characters are likeable, these guys are just a bunch of jerks out to steal money. How could the director forget this simple idea?
If you've ever been to vegas, there are enough holes in the plot to drive a truck through. In fact , the original oceans's eleven plot was more believable than this movie. The only thing is that in the original movie, everyone knew that the caper was a gag. The movie never pretended to be serious. Plus, you were actually rooting for the robbers in the original. The sequel, in which the plot is supposed to be serious, is so laughable that it's not funny.
What made the original movie so great was the ending. (I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it). In this movie they have to do the stupid Hollywood movie cliche of the last 20 years, that the bad guys get away with the caper. Everything is resolved in the end. Everyone is happy. Make me puke.
If anyone saw "The Big Chill.", they will know what I'm trying to say. In that dog, the characters have these tremendous unresolved emotional conflicts.  They conviently settle these complex emotional conflicts by fornicating with each other before they have to go home. Everyone is happy. What vapid film making.
At least the Big Chill had some good performances. I especially liked Kevin Costner's.
If you really want to see a good movie, get the DVD version of the original.
Sadly there is going to be a sequel to this movie. As one famous wag commented, "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."
0 stars, 4 lemons, 10 toilets, whatever you want to say, have your maalox ready if you've bought this movie.
932102
This speaks of the abject depravity and ravenous greed of one Sharon Osbourne. These "REMASTERED" albums are an act of Orwellian nonsense that would only appeal to people working for The Osbourne's or someone who simply likes watching great pieces of art burn. They are attempting to rewrite history because heaven forbid they have to credit or pay the people who helped Ozzy fulfill his vision.(Please refer to any interview with Jake E. Lee. in regards to how he was treated by Sharon. Then you will understand what Daisley and Kerslake had to deal with in the courts.)  These records have been totally changed. And all for the worse.  Let's break it down shall we? Terrible mixes? Check. Poor Performances done by people who had nothing to do with the songs creation? Check. Weird feel that ruins your past memories about the songs? Check. Its all here for you. One giant turd sandwich.

I sold this album at Amoeba records in L.A. and the guy behind the counter laughed and said "You know how many people have sold these back pissed off like yourself? TOO MANY TO COUNT." great.......(sigh). The drumming sounds really off and I love Bordin's work with Faith No More. Listen, it's your money. But if you are looking for the version of the songs everyone grew up with better sound quality all I can say is stay away from this huge embarrassment. Find a used "ORIGINAL" copy and embrace some truly brilliant song writing. This is a fairly terrible facsimile. It's Fugazi! And I don't mean Ian MacKaye variety.
1798670
Clerks II is stupendously profane, dangerously sacrilegious, cheerfully racist, aggressively puerile, and peopled wall to wall with morons. There truly is, in the words of one cast member, something here to offend every taste. And that's before the donkey scene.

I can't wait to buy it on DVD.

How can a film with such unrelenting bad taste be, well, endearing? Ask writer/director Kevin Smith, who has made a career out of elevating cretinism to critically-appreciated cinematic art. Beginning with his $27,000 breakout feature, the original Clerks, Smith has used his films to immortalize a succession of suburban New Jersey losers, in all their defiant (and deviant) glory.

In Clerks, he chronicled a day in the life of Dante Hicks and Randal Graves, twenty-something slacker buddies who work in two different sections of a cheesy convenience store called the Quick Stop. Ten years later, in the prologue of Clerks II, Randall and Dante are still showing up to work at the Quick Stop - but this morning they find that it's burned down overnight. "Terrorists?" Randal asks, and Dante doesn't answer. Then, realization dawns. "I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?" Dante nods.

A year later, the guys are employed at a fast food restaurant called Mooby's, where Randal delights in tormenting Elias, a young born-again Christian and Lord of the Rings fanatic. But Dante, after ten years of drifting, has set his sights higher. Soon he will marry Emma, a kind, attractive, and success-oriented woman. In just one more day, they will be moving to Florida, where Dante will manage a car wash owned by Emma's father. Finally he has someone who really loves him, finally he's moving forward like he has always wanted to do. He should be happy, right?

But as the movie meanders along between abusive (and abuse of) customers, rooftop dance lessons, movie trilogy comparisons and other distractions, Dante comes to realize that there are things about his crappy strip-mall existence that he doesn't want to lose. As the day moves toward it's rollicking climax, it becomes more and more apparent that, for a guy who has always hated making decisions, Dante has a very big one to make.

I liked this movie a lot. I think Kevin Smith has a great ear for the way real people interact - with boasts, circumventions, half-admissions, casual cruelties, and random whimsical weirdness. Brian O'Halloran, as the fastidious Dante, and Jeff Anderson as his feckless sidekick, are brilliant in a totally nimrod kind of way. They are ably backed up by supporting players Rosario Dawson and Jennifer Schwalbach, as well as the dynamic duo of Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and director Smith), who appear as the knucklehead chorus in most of Smith's films. Trevor Fehrman is especially savory as the earnest and oft-victimzed Elias.

That being said, I think this movie is probably not as good as its prequel. Clerks was such an oddball sensation that it jump started the indie film movement of the 90s almost by itself. It's not fair to expect the follow-up to have the same kind of fresh impact, and it doesn't. Moreover, the familiar advisory "this is not a movie for everyone" goes double (maybe triple) for Clerks II. If you're uncomfortable with profanity, easily offended when fundamentalism is mocked, or more-than-usually queasy on the subject of what one of the characters terms "inter-species erotica" - well, you probably shouldn't even be in the same zip code as this movie.

But having a fairly strong stomach for such things, I guess, I found the movie to be all in all a worthy sequel to Clerks. While the characters and the banter aren't new, they have a bit more heft and a pleasant familiarity; and this time the story arcs to a resolution more satisfying than that of the original.

In another decade, I wouldn't mind checking in on Randal and Dante again.
2887728
Call me foolish for expecting an even half-quality film which centers around a demonic leprechaun killing for his gold, but this film was so awful it didn't even supply laughs. How this has a cult following -- or ANY following, for that matter -- is beyond me. How this utter trash spawned five sequels is even crazier. There's no way this brought in enough dough to supply the writer and the director for the sixth installment: "Leprechaun - Back 2 Tha Hood". The title enough is a red flag.

Speaking of the writer, this has to have been written by a seven-year old. It's probably some of the most tiring writing I've ever heard in a movie of ANY genre. Dora the Explorer has better dialogue. Hell, silent movies from the 1920's have better dialogue. How someone would sign for this movie is unbelievable. The chavs in my English class could form better sentences.

All four of the main characters are terrible, terrible actors--although it's Aniston at her finest. The worst is undisputablely Ken Olandt as the clich&eacute;d macho, wise-cracking hero. Robert Hy Gorman's role was very infuriating. I'm not sure if the director wanted him to be so obnoxious viewers wanted nothing more than to punch him repeatedly, but if that was his goal it's probably the only successful thing throughout the movie he accomplishes.

Something I can always count on when watching these older slasher (I guess that's what you would call this???) flicks are the awesome kills. They're always great. They usually make me chuckle at how ridiculous they are. Killing someone by jumping on them with a pogo stick was the only enjoyable kill of the movie. Come to think of it, I think this only had three kills in total. Even the body-count is miserable. Not even any of the four main characters died. That was basically what kept me watching--the prospect of one of them getting sliced `n' diced.

Basically every aspect of this film is a failure. How they could make a movie about a murderous leprechaun any worse than it sounds is astonishing. My brother even fell asleep while watching this. And it was eight in the evening.

I'm probably coming off as up-tight, but I'm really not. I know this movie wasn't supposed to be taken seriously--how could it be if the people making it weren't even taking it seriously?--but I can enjoy the campy, cheesiness of Friday the 13th. Hell, I love those movies! But this... this is just pitiful. Let me say that I know now why I managed to snag the first three in the series for a measly $12. Needless to say I think part II and III of this series may remain unwatched for a long, long time to come.

The oodles of negative things aside, "Leprechaun" did have one saving grace: Jennifer Aniston's legs.

1/10
3078869
What trash and what a real waste of time this DVD proved to be! I bought REPO! to see Sarah Brightman - and her footage does not disappoint. I find Sarah charming and strange and ethereal and here she all but chews the scenery - it's a great performance from a performer who rarely (if ever) does film roles. She understood her role and the material and had a point-of-view - would that all the film could have reached that mark. Stupid, witless, poor, amateur lyrics and an even more egregious script makes this thing a monumental waste of time and a complete bore. Comparisons to ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW do a GREAT disservice to ROCKY HORROR. This cannot even be compared to SHOCK TREATMENT - which now looks like CITIZEN KANE when compared to REPO! Anthony Head wasted his time - why? - did you see his OTHERWISE ENGAGED in London? The man can captivate a theatre of 1000 individuals - hold them rapt - here he is simply slumming - and don't get me started about Paul Sorvino. He should have known better! Period! The images are horrible and excessive - witless and idiotic - displaying no craft, no intelligence. It's all DARK with no HUMOR! Even the make-up is wrong-headed and poorly wrought. Please don't waste your money here or better yet spend it on DR. HORRIBLE'S SING-ALONG BLOG - that one at least warrants a second viewing!
1382999
There are heaps of bad movies out there, but there are only a few that are in the "stupendously dismal, I can't believe how bad this is" category. This is one of those movies where the poor quality is literally shocking. It would be like picking up a newspaper that contains misspellings throughout. You'd think: Somebody released this for public consumption?

Nobody disputes that Robert Downey Jr. is an excellent actor, but he had nothing to work with here. I'm very surprised James Toback allowed his name to be associated with this monstrosity. He ripped off a lot of people who paid good money to see this.
2510790
Having heard about this movie, I had a vague idea that it was going to be highy lacking in plot and dialogue, but hopefully somewhat entertaining in a Seinfeldian fashion-so still worth viewing. I could never have imagined, in my most wildly confused dreams, that ANY movie could be so entirely TURGID!!! The poor acting only served to accentuate the poorly written scrpit and complete lack of direction in this pathetic excuse for a film.

In a few scenes we start to see a rather homoerotic sort of lust or attraction between the main character (who is, by the way, chosen to be the body into which the evil fraternity brother will transport himself when the main character is stretching shirtless and glistening outside of a gazebo...) and the evil frat brother of doom. Once the main character, Chris, is good and drunk the evil characer proceeds to initiate him as a pledge of the ATO fraternity. He takes a small needle from his large and pretty necklace of doom and sticks the obtrusively handsome and naive main characer in the hand and proceeds to suck his blood in the most boring blood sucking vampire of doom scene I have ever seen on film. When Chris wakes up the next morning he is greeted by his equally uninterestingly written roomate, Dan, and a suitacase of clothes from his new frat brothers sitting on the kitchen table. Strangely, though, the top outfit in the suitacase is a silky white shirt and pleather pants--clubbing attire perhaps? Or just a friendly fashion tip from your new brothers?

Ignoring the fact that most important aspects of this film reeked of ham left out in the sun for days, the least the director could have done was added some non confusing/disturbing sex scenes. In the one overtly sexual scene in the movie the evil frat brother decides to show Chris the ropes of boring blood sucking. He chooses the most intoxicated looking forty year old at the party and proceeds to lead her into the chamber. Chris undresses and goes at it...he pricks her arm and starts sucking her blood. The evil character, watching, becomes intrigued and decides to strip down to his designer underwear and join in. The scene climax is a pathetic fake orgasm (assumably induced by the sucking of the vampire frat brothers) by the intoxicated forty year old--hardly an arousing scene to say the least.

In any case the movie ends anticlimatcially (suprise suprise) with several of the frat brothers, the evil character, and the main character engaging in the body swapping ritual that, of course, must be performed in the designer underwear and nothing else. How else would one possibly achieve a proper body swap?!?

Overall, this movie was an atrocity not only to horror films but also to goth/vampire/fantasy films as well as homoerotic thrillers. This movie is so not worth your time and is good, for lack of clever cinematic design or plot or dialogue or good acting, only as a joke for you and your friends to view time and time again in order to revel in the glory of its unintended comical nature. Perhaps the director's intent was not to make an eloquently done vampire/fantasy film but merely to produce a film  whose intent was to showcase young male verility at its finest. If this indeed was the case then DeCouteau did a splendid job. However I'm not sure how many film makers would make the sort of film this is their goal style.

If you like well done vampire flicks with homoerotic undertones and--dare I say it?!?--a plot, I would highly recommend Interview with the Vampire as well as the rest of the films based on the Vampire Chronicles of Anne Rice.
4071174
"Firehead" is a so bad it's a true guilty pleasure for a B-movie fan. It deserves a no star review as a quality movie, but for laugh out loud cheesy badness I gave it four stars as it's utterly impossible to take seriously. The film stars Chris Lemmon as the nerdy science good guy and Brett Porter as Ivan, the Russian cyborg killing machine with laser eyes and a heart of gold, versus Christopher Plummer who plans to start a world war and kill the President among other things. I am not even willing to speculate what on earth led Plummer and Martin Landau to be in this atrocity. Produced by David "Space Mutiny" Winters, this film is confusing at times and unintentionally hilarious at others; none of the humor, however, is due to the witticisms that Lemmon hammily delivers to the camera with as much conviction as if he were actually made of balsa.

In short, the film starts in Estonia in 1988 at a protest when Soviet thugs are trying to quell democracy; after a courageous decision involving right and wrong that (somehow) sets the plot in motion, Firehead is there. Fast forward to 1991 and Firehead is now blowing up military factories with his brain pyrotechnics which are so cheesy they must be seen to be fully appreciated. Over the next hour and a half there are sundry subplots involving a high powered military woman (Gretchen Becker, who seems competent in nothing in particular,) bratty kids, terrible props and even worse special effects, and just unbelievably, unbelievably bad acting from everyone involved, particularly good guys Lemmon and Porter who alternate mugging for the camera and grunting in monosyllables. A word of caution: the romance subplot between Lemmon and Becker is so hackneyed, cloying, and utterly predictable that it may result in catatonia.

The crux of the film concerns a conspiracy where Plummer heads "The Upper Order" which echoes a would-be Trilateral Commission of evil (their symbol is even a red triangle!) This is assuming that the offices of the Trilateral Commission look like the administration wing of a middle school, of course. There are an incredible number of ponderous implausibilities that will make your brain scream for mercy and wonder what the producers actually thought they were getting for their money. Among the most egregious elements are an airplane theft that boggles the mind, a heartening discussion about "the land of moose and squirrel" (I swear,) hilarious dialogue like "The time of ascension is at hand!" and Ivan versus the "parabolic phase shifter" (don't ask.)

Before it's over there's a last-minute subplot about biological warfare that's wholly unnecessary but pads the running time, lots of scenery chewing from Plummer and Porter in particular, some unbelievably silly and amateurish gunplay, all of which leads to an absolutely awful conclusion that serves only to frustrate and infuriate.

As the film careens towards its annoying conclusion the President (Ed Kearney) actually utters the line "Well, I've seen enough of this twaddle." Me too.