Fantastic escapist trash
937487
This book is from the literary equivalent of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer genre. Think humourous and light-hearted and you won't go far wrong. I expect this will appeal to lots of teens and twenty-somethings and anyone else who doesn't want to be bogged down by any book that takes itself too seriously. This series is a perfect read for those times when you don't have the stamina required for a Booker prize nominee.
4622031
TL;DR - this series sucks, don't read it.

This is it, kids, the thrilling end to the gripping story that's been built up with twists, turns, board room meetings, long-winded conversations which ultimately go in concentric circles and end up nowhere.  Clearly, "Tyrant's Test" is the best of "Black Fleet Crisis" trilogy for two reasons.  The first of which I'll go into detail later, the second of which is the relishing fact that this book spells the end of this narcoleptic trilogy - and, oh, what a welcome conclusion it is!  Not because it's done well, but because it's finally over!  YEAH!  SHOOT OFF THE FIREWORKS IN IMPERIAL CITY!  BRING DOWN THE GIANT EMPEROR STATUE LIKE AT THE END OF "RETURN OF THE JEDI: SPECIAL EDITION."
LET'S BREAK IT DOWN:
Leia's doing some crap with politics, who knows, nothing happened in the last two books anyways.
MEANWHILE, Lando, Lobot, R2D2, and Threepio are stuck on the Qella vagabond.  It's sentient, it's a museum-I guess? But wait for the most thrilling twist of all, remember the research team on that ice planet that they kept cutting to in the last two books?  No?  Oh, well, anyways, IT'S THE QELLA HOMEWORLD.  ERRRGHHH.  THE TWISTS.  THE TURNS.  THE CHAPTERS AND CHAPTERS OF EXCRUCIATING DETAIL DESCRIBING SAID TWISTS AND TURNS OF THE VAGABOND.  Lobot unplugs his robot headband and plugs into the ship...that's it.  Turns out the ice planet was an ice planet that was designed to be melted by the vagabond.  In conclusion, the Qella were frozen in ice and the vagabond was set to thaw them.  Why?  Who knows.  What was the point of drawing this out over the course of three books or even including it to being with?  There is no point.  NEXT.
MEANWHILE MEANWHILE; Luke goes to some planet with these Force witches or something-I don't know.  I would normally be inclined to say that this whole plot point was entirely pointless, but that would not be correct, because it took us three books so that these Force witches could come in and do a fake puppet show with Star Destroyers to scare the Yevetha away.  WHAT!?
MEANWHILE MEANWHILE MEANWHILE; Han is being held captive by the Yevetha, also he meets one of Akanah's kin who uses her magical powers to do a fake puppet show of a bunch of prisoners for some reason so Han could escape-ESCAPE, YOU SAY!?
That's right.  All of three books was leading up to one single moment; the apex to this boring triumvirate of boredom.  Remember how they shuffled Chewbacca off in the first book to go be with Lumpy in his rite of passage on Kashyyyk?  That's right, you did!  Because this seemingly insignificant and stupid little side plot ended up being the most interesting part of this whole d@mn book series!
Chewie gets word that Han's been captured by the Yevetha, so he's all like "Nuh-UH!" so he grabs his bowcaster, primes the Falcon and gets ready to break his old buddy out!  Then his cousins are like "Chewie, we're gonna come with you" and Lumpy's like "Me too." Begrudgingly, Chewbacca allows them to accompany him in the most awesome prison break/escape/action sequence ever printed in a Michael P. Kube-McDowell novel.  The Wookie crew manage to pry some stolen Yevethan Star Destroyer plans from an old smuggler friend, then fly the Falcon right into the thick of the fighting, shooting down a bunch of Yevethan tri-fighters before latching on to the ship holding Han.  They blow open the hull and just start going literally @pe$h!+ blowing away any and everyone that gets in their way.  Chewie goes around, he's p!$$ed, he keeps blowing up these gross Yevethan egg sacks, Nil Spaar's like "Aw, man!" Chewie and crew break out Han and fly away!  Wow!  Now THAT'S what I call action!  That would make for a pretty thrilling conclusion to the trilogy, right?  Right!  Of course they have to ruin it by having that occur 2/3rds of the way through the book and have the rest be, what else?  Boring tactical meetings and board room conversations.  In conclusion; this series sucks, don't read it.
4569223
Melanie Vincz plays a leather-clad cop out to get the guy who killed her brother (Phantasm's Angus Scrimm). Being a recluse on his own private island, the only way to get to him is via a martial arts contest. (Sound familiar yet?) She recruits the ample Raven De La Croix and convict Angela Aames to help. Some laughable fights and an almost complete collapse into farce are compensated for by the quasi-occult overtones, camp, bad one-liners, and high T&A value. Welcome appearances by Angelique Pettyjohn and Bob Tessier. Very bad, but hilarious B-movie.
4919855
I got this game in expectation of reading the worst RPG ever written. The bad reviews were a form of entertainment in and of themselves, the loathing poured out on this game and its author were immense. What I am finding out is--I have seen worse games. The complexity of character generation is greater than most versions of D&D but far simpler than old chestnuts like Chivalry and Sorcery or Space Opera. The closest comparison that I can come up with are the works of Kevin Simbieda, although McCracken is far stranger. And that's where the charm of this game lies. If you are looking for White Wolf-esque seriousness, of course you will hate it. This is to D&D and the more established and popular games what The Beastmaster was to The Godfather.

If you don't intend to take things too seriously, this game looks like it could be a blast.
1525041
The only plot in this book comes from people being idiots. Like one of those teeny horror movies where they make they have to make the stupidest possible decisions at each point in time or there could be no movie. This is the book version.

I like the authors voice, it is gender neutral unlike much of the other Urban Fantasy rubbish. The problem is she is serving up the wimpiest Vampire you have ever met as some hard boiled noir detective. It is an insult to Mike Hammer and Phillip Marlowe (either whom can kick this guys ass without supernatural powers). All he does is whine and whimper through the whole book, that is when he is not making the dumbest move imaginable under the circumstances. It is agonizing.

Given this guys supernatural abilities, which he conveniently forgets to use every time the author requires the bad guys to get the drop on him, each book should be about 10 minutes long. She created this very powerful character and now seems unable to create a natural situation where he would be challenged. Hence, his own stupidity is the real nemesis. In general, men are going to find this book very frustrating. Fleming is definitely a woman's idea of a man and men will find him neutered.

Her sex scenes and relationship dialog are pretty restrained which I appreciate. She is just not a very good writer. Not the worst in this genre by any means. I would stay away for women authors who use their first initials in the pen name. I am not saying they are hiding their gender, there just seems to be an excellent correlation between that and bad writing.

No plot, no twist, no crime, remove the Vampire gimmick and all you are left with is whining and whimpering, and sheer idiocy.
671093
In a world that's filled with Z-grade, bottom-rung movies Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is one of the most fascinating. I heard of it only because of the legendary "Garbage Day!" youtube meme and I went ahead and watched the first one. I didn't particularly like it and found many scenes hilarious due to poor acting and idiotic dialogue, but all the bad from that movie truly can not hold a candle to how atrocious everything in this movie is. Oddly enough, while this movie by no means falls into the so-bad-it's-good category of movies; it's so horrible, I actually enjoyed watching it more than the first one.

The plot is essentially the entire first movie with new scenes to actually make this film it's own movie. While the scenes are slightly abridged you will feel like you just watched the first movie.

Eric Freeman plays Ricky, the deranged brother of the equally deranged Billy from the first movie. Ricky is incarcerated and as the movie opens he (attempts to) stare(s) menacingly into the camera. Freeman is incapable of looking natural while doing something and even holding a cigarette seems like a challenge. A psychiatrist named Bloom interviews Ricky about his view of the events leading up to his incarceration, including the events of the first movie, of course and his first meeting/courtship with Jennifer (Elizabeth Cayton).

Is a plot description necessary? No, not at all, but I thought I'd fill you in. As the film is essentially one long flashback, it seems pointless to even mention the hilarious attempt at continuity, specifically when Ricky narrates events he couldn't know about. And the plotting is ridiculous (obviously) such as a scene where Ricky and Jennifer go to see a movie...Which ends up being the first movie.

The dialogue in this movie is beyond any definition of idiotic. It's so poor, in fact, I had trouble believing it could be made worse by it's delivery...But it is. Besides "garbage day" and Jennifer's line to an ex-boyfriend ("...you cheated on me, you ruined my best sweater), there's also this Oscar-worthy exchange:

Mother Superior-"You're being naughty!"

Ricky-"Naughty this!"

Finally, Ricky's walk through suburbia (where the "garbage day" scene occurs) is one of the funniest, most poorly executed sequences committed to celluloid. Even worse is that we're to assume the filmmakers intended to frighten the audience.

Is there anything good about this movie? No, not technically. However, I found Cayton gorgeous and there is an Oscar-worthy uncredited performance in this movie...Eric Freeman's eyebrows. You'll know what I mean moments after this movie begins. They're absolutely fascinating.

This is a hard movie critique, because quite frankly it's one of the worst films ever made. This movie features the very definition of bad acting, bad writing, and bad filmmaking. However, if you're bored and have 88 minutes to waste you'll likely be entertained as it is entertaining because of how bad it is. So, I give it 2 stars because it really can't be awarded 3 and a 1-star rating simply brands it unwatchable.
1767853
A perfect symphony of cliche and stereotype that Michael Bay's been trying like hell to recreate ever since. Literally every single shot dips liberally from the well of overuse, culminating in an early car chase with a little old lady, a roving gang of bicyclists and a dozen diving pedestrians in the road, no less than five instantly-combustible parked cars and a Lamborghini that leaps through a plate glass window. Nic Cage and Sean Connery, no strangers to this type of picture, freely toss away their inhibitions and embrace the cheese from word one and, along with a straight-laced performance from Ed Harris, somehow validate the whole thing. The dialog would have been deemed too unrealistic for a Hanna-Barbara cartoon, but through sheer force of will (plus a few blatant winks at the audience) it works too. Top of the mountain for the 'insanely stupid action flick' boom of the mid '90s, it's wildly fast-paced and thoroughly enjoyable in spite of itself.
3690862
Despite the unceasing fairy tale wonderfulness and serendipity that abounds Stone, Peter, Hattie, Herb, et al,  the drivel machine called Stuart Woods manages to turn it into an easy to read adventures that have some charm.  It is vacuous escape fiction at its finest.  The plots are consistently preposterous -- the literary quality is very low -- perfect for the audience who might otherwise be watching ChopMagic infomercials on TV, or picking lint from their roommate's navel.
430212
Part of the joy of this game is wandering through the ruins of Ayn Rand's selfish delusions. A society build on her 'every man for himself' philosophy would tear itself apart as surely as The underwater city of Rapture has done in this game.  Adding psychotics with psychic powers, little girls harvesting people's life force, and murderous deep sea divers is just icing on the crazy cake!
970612
In just the first two minutes of the awesomely awful Street Trash, we are treated to instances of bad acting, shaky editing, implausible plot, garish title credits, and horribly hokey, electronic music.  And none of it matters, because Street Trash is the most unapologetically glorious and ghoulish film the good folks at Troma never made (but probably wish they did).

With a diabolical sense of humor and hilariously hard-boiled (and highly quotable) dialog, Street Trash is also quite possibly the dirtiest movie ever made - and I'm talking about dirt in the "dug out of the earth" sense, not dirty in a sexual sense (although there is a bunch of nudity, a dash of necrophilia, and a touch of wiener-tossing for good (or bad) measure (the last of which brings a more literal meaning to the word "dismemberment")).

Featuring fantastic sets (including quite possibly the greatest junkyard hideout in cinematic history) and authentic Skid Row New York locations, the grime is so gratuitously applied and supplied to places and faces that some of the actors' lips seem glow-in-the-dark bright by comparison.  The grossout effects are also surprisingly good for such a low budget filth fest (they were realistic enough to make me cringe, anyway).  For sure, a lot of this film's fun comes from watching each person having their, shall we say, colorful meltdowns...

Street Trash features the first work of such eventual cinematic luminaries as Jim Muro, the cinematographer of Crash (as well as The Last Mimzy!) and X-Men and Usual Suspects director Bryan Singer.  Equally notable is James Lorinz' hysterical first acting outing as the outrageously disrespectful doorman.  Plus one of the greatest end credits songs of all time, performed by Sopranos' stalwart Tony Darrow.

Stay away from this film if you're weak of stomach, but definitely feel free to use this delightful piece of cinematic grotesquery as a dieting aid, as this movie will do such a good job of making you lose your appetite that you'll be looking for it for days!  Ultimately, I think the best indication of the raunchy, sleazy ride you're in for with this flick is expressed by one of the last acknowledgements in the end credits, which reads: "Thanks, Anita, for taking me to see 'I Drink Your Blood' when I was six."

Yup, that about sums it up.  Thanks, Anita!
3513488
Chicken Chicken is another entry I actively avoided as a kid. The name and the cover gave no suggestion of quality. The farm setting is exactly the place no city bumpkin like myself wanted to visit. The plot -- transforming into a chicken -- sounds awful. It is awful. It's also disgusting and silly and really, really fun.

Like How I Learned to Fly, this one was a complete surprise, particularly given its reputation as a series lowpoint. One thing it has going for it is how focused the plot and characterization are: Siblings Crystal and Cole cause accidental mischief against a young goth woman who lives alone with only her cat for company. Vanessa -- a witch -- casts a spell on them for their poor manners, leaving the two heroes with the words 'chicken chicken.'

Pretty soon -- and this is where it gets disgusting and uncomfortable and fantastic -- both Crystal and Cole find themselves transforming into chickens. The process takes days, dragging out the grotesqueness of the situation. Crystal's lips slowly harden to a bone-like consistency, pushing forward on her face (and making for an alarming amount of clicking whenever she tries to speak); Cole's having trouble talking without a cascade of clucking interrupting his sentences; they're both having to slowly and painfully remove feathers that are sprouting by the hour. And, of course, no one believes them despite the physicality of it all.

The entire story is focused around the horrors of their transformations, and the attempts to overcome it. In some ways, it's a rehash of the earlier My Hairiest Adventure in exploring the horrible changes of puberty and how that can wreck kids' social lives -- just in a much more interesting way. Many of the lesser series entries have trouble staying so focused before inserting unrelated happenstance and random events, so this one sticking so close to the two heroes and their woes is a 'pleasant' surprise.

Also, it's incredibly, disgustingly gross. Blegh.
1015170
I struggled to figure out how many stars to award this.  The book/story is awful, the characters are completely unlikeable (everyone is drunk or angry, or both, except for the kid, who's just confused), and much the music is forgettable, with the title track being among the most uninspired stuff I've heard in a while.  Normally, I'd give this production one star.

But.

The way this production came together, it was SO bad, it was fabulous, and for that, I'd give it five stars. So, averaging the one and five, you get the three.

Anyway, PatsFan's review from April 3rd is spot-on with all that is wrong with this production, but I choose to laugh rather than cry.  In fact, it was a struggle for me to contain myself when I saw it in the theater this past February.  As absurdly hilarious as I found many parts, I couldn't assume the few other patrons felt the same way, so I stifled my laughter, only to burst out in fits of it as I shopped in a supermarket after the show.  Good thing it was late at night with few other shoppers around.  (Apparently, a bunch of folks at a screening in NYC didn't restrain themselves and things got heated after the movie.  Go to the blog The Craptacular, do a search using the words Love Never Dies Crazy, and enjoy the post.)

The death scene was absolutely priceless and an excellent example of the horrible writing.

**SPOILER ALERT**

So, after the Phantom, apparently a better composer than psychologist,  fails in his attempt at hostage negotiation with Meg, Christine is shot by Meg.  Gustave, already traumatized by his mother being shot, finds out that the Phantom, of whom he is frightened and from whom he ran away screaming previously, is his real father.  Fabulous timing!

Then, Gustave runs off to find his "father" Raoul, who supposedly has taken off for Europe.  Did Gustave even know that Raoul had left and where he was going?  Come on, now.  Miraculously, Gustave finds Raoul and brings him back, just in time, to Christine's side, where, when Christine gasps her last breath, the Phantom cries, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" eerily similar to that of Darth Vader in "Revenge of the Sith" when Padme dies.

Oh, I almost forgot - there was NO blood on Christine.  So she was lying there in her death throes, and there was no wound from the gunshot.

I did like Ben Lewis' voice, though.  It's deeper, darker and older in sound than Ramin Karimloo's and much more as I'd expect the Phantom's voice to sound.  I'd like to see Mr. Lewis in another production with a good plot and better direction.  I do like Ramin Karimloo and his Phantom interpretation from what I've seen of it, but the Phantom is not supposed to be a hot young dude; it takes away from the tragedy of the Phantom's life.  As fantastic as Ramin's voice is, its youth came through so clearly in anniversary performance and was a bit jarring for me, and as the Phantom in LND, he's supposed to be 10 years older than he was in the original show.

Bottom line, watch this without taking it too seriously and you might enjoy it, even if not in the way ALW would have wanted you to do so.
4897281
A real piece of trash planned from the beginning to be a shameful rip off of SEX AND THE CITY with nymphomaniac man-eater SAMANTHA JONES taking on fourth rate tango dancers in the fringes of Buenos Aires tango halls.

A clever idea that obviously is paying off as the publishers boast of translations to many languages, and Hollywood is rewriting it to dumb it down to the acting skills of Sandra Bullock.

After facing the reality of her alter ego lacking talent, good manners and moral virtues, the author returns to her habitat and conveniently marries well outside the tango.

It is a brilliant marketing plot, a disgusting fictitious chronicle of a world the author never cares to learn about and respect, and a sure flop at the box office, destined to the discounted DVD shelves of WalMarts all over.
782032
I saw the Amazon 2 star rating, but had heard a reveiw on NPR that made it sound interesting. I fell victim and bought the book.  Why doesn't the author just call the main character Bruce Willis and get it over with.  The  movie can only be better.  This book never delivers on any level.  For the  pure escapist the violence and sex fall WAY short. For the imagination just  go to sleep and whatever you dream is sure to beat this.  I'm sure that my  nine year old nephew will love it, and want to buy the life like plastic  action characters.
1425546
Remember when your cousins would stay over at your house, and when you all went to bed you played a game where the bedroom carpet was poison and you couldn't touch it? You had to jump from bed to chair to cushion, or climb on top of the dresser and toy box, and if you touched the carpet at all, you died. Well, that's this book.

The whole city is flooded by three feet of strawberry slime that consumes anything organic. Our slacker heroes have to get from their apartment building to a distant office building that looks like it may be a place of refuge.

We have an overwhelmed, under motivated hero, a heroine, a burned out anti-hero, a snarky businessman, and a devious CIA type who knows more than she'll say. As we follow their adventures we get two things in abundance - some very funny dialogue and some really abrupt and shocking violent death. So we are deeply into the comedy/horror genre, and how you feel about that particular style will probably determine how you react to this book.

For what it's worth, I probably would have liked this less, but for some very sly and high concept characters and adventures. Especially appealing was an extended stay at a shopping arcade run by a dystopian group motivated entirely by irony, and a long segment involving an office building and a classically corporate response to apocalypse. These two stand out and stand-alone bits put the book over the top for me.

So, a successful entertainment with some low humor and some sly humor. Not a bad combination, and all very skillfully constructed.

Please note that I received a free electronic copy of this book in exchange for a candid review.
3401840
I have somehow gone 35 years of my life without seeing this movie, deprioritizing it, assuming it's no big deal, sticking to the classics and new releasesboy was that a mistake!!!  After just 7 minutes (yes, I paused and checked) of this B-movie madness I already know two things: 1) this movie is garbage, and 2) this is exactly the kind of garbage I LOVE!

We meet Jeffrey Franken (James Lorinz; Street Trash, RoboCop 3), a man who has somehow been kicked out of three medical schools, and his reanimated Cyclops brain creature experiment that he is working on in the kitchenand everyone simply thinks he's just a little weird for working on a REANIMATED BRAIN with one eye on the kitchen table!!!!  But his whole life is about to change when his fiance Elizabeth (Patty Mullen; Penthouse Pet, Zombinatrix) is killed in a freak accident with a supercharged lawnmower he invented.  The news coverage of the massacre is hilarious!  Oh, yeah, this flick is something special for sure!

Jeffrey Franken is no Victor Frankenstein (2015).  He over-explains his downward spiral into mad scientist mania to his mother as if reading a list of symptoms from a psychiatric manual.  While comically narrating his own insanity he draws elaborate blueprints of electrodes over a body's framework (and it has boobs LOL), power drills his skull to alleviate headaches, and has dates with his fiance's disembodied head.  Needless to say the acting and writing are terrible (but maybe "good" for the bad horror genre), but this movie remains a delight.

So since Jeff needs perfect female body parts to bring life back to his fiance, naturally he goes to the city and arranges a prostitute crack-whore party, plays doctor, measures nipples, wrestles hookers and watches them literally explode as they overdose on drugs--and we overdose on cheesiness.  Nudity and disembodied limbs abound.  Jeff superglues and welds his perfect Elizabeth back together from sacks of spare hooker parts, a pile of severed breasts, and a trash can of severed legs with bunyans from extensive streetwalking.

Once Elizabeth is back on her feet after a deliciously B-movied-up Frankenstein's laboratory scene, she stumbles about with all the twitchy grace of a newborn foal and sports a Sylvester Stallone lip sneer.  Assembled from mostly hooker parts, she behaves likewella frankenhooker--all the way down to the undead sex scene during which she sex-electrocutes her first John to death.

Written and directed by Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case 1-3, Brain Damage, Bad Biology), this relatively goreless exploitation cult classic deviates from his violent normal pedigree, having not a scary nor brutal moment--it's pure slapstick comedy shown through a campy horror filter.  A few steps above the raunchier Full Moon releases (Head of the Family, The Killer Eye) or anything from Troma studios, this goofy flick boasts severed heads, abundant bare breasts, mutant monsters made of spare hooker parts and rubber limbs galore!  It's awkwardly weird, strangely funny and classically so-bad-it's-good.  The final twist is quirky campiness at its inappropriate best (think Sleepaway Camp).
1953202
This book sucks you into its world and then spits you out, covered in a reptilian slime. You wonder what happened and why you want more. It's sleazy from the start and takes you deeper and deeper into the sleaze.

The author maintains the credibility of Charlie Wesley - the narrator - as he descends into a world growing steadily darker and violent. It's a skilfully crafted, well-written piece of psycho-noir.