Learning to avoid the wrong relationship
350797
Very informative. Useful I'm making better life choices in relationships. I highly recommend this book for all women. Especially the young ones. It will help you to avoid heartache later.
2985153
This book educates me about Jealousy and hot it can destroy a person when being practice constantly. There are so many things that can hinder a perfect relationship and one of these is jealousy which can grow into insecurity and trust issues. Having to read this and learn things really helped me to improved my understanding and helped me to grow maturely with this kind of issues just to save the relationship rather than having my pride.
97597
If you really want to improve your personal relationships this book is worth reading. Through an easy to understand formula called "the A.R.T. of vital relationships: be AWARE... take RESPONSIBILITY... tell the unarguable TRUTH" Andrew Seubert takes the mystery out of healthy relationship building.

In the book he clearly explains that telling the truth to each other is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Although it might sound simple we often avoid telling the truth under an assortment of pretenses, most of which have the common theme of sparing ourselves or the other person some form of pain or hurt. Unfortunately, this avoidance usually proves toxic.

The author teaches the reader how to tell the truth in a very straight forward, caring manner. His own self-disclosures and those of the clients he writes about, exude a disarming, inviting quality. Instead of avoiding the truth the reader is gently coaxed into embracing it. I believe this is Andrew Seuberts greatest gift to the reader.
254873
Meyer and Kunrether synthesize years of experience to develop a model for why individuals and organizations consistently fail in the face of crisis, and offer some brief policy recommendations. Their work is anchored in cognitive psychology, particularly Kahneman's Thinking Fast, and Slow. System 1 is fast and intuitive, but prone to serious cognitive biases. System 2 is deliberative, but requires good information lacking in a crisis. Six cognitive biases in particular, prevent preparedness for disasters.

To quote:
1) Myopia: A tendency to focus on overly short future time horizons when appraising immediate costs and the potential benefits of protective investments--especially the hyperbolic discounting of upfront costs now vs harms years in the future.
2) Amnesia: a tendency to forget too quickly the lessons of past disasters.
3) Optimism: a tendency to underestimate the likelihood that losses will occur from future hazards.
4) Inertia: a tendency to maintain the status quo or adopt a default option when there is uncertainty about the benefits of investing in alternative protective measures.
5) Simplification: a tendency to selective attend to only a subset of relevant factors when making choices involving risk.
6) Herding: a tendency to base choices on the observed actions of others.

In this short volume (125 pages, including notes), they run through the biases and case studies, with a light breezy tone reminiscent of top level journalism rather than the bludgeoning of an academic paper. They suggest a process they deem a Behavioral Risk Audit to meet each of the biases head on. For example, low probability risks can be compared to driving in sunny and snowy conditions, or risk of a disaster can be stated over 25 years rather than annual. The Ostrich Paradox is a little light, but a great introduction to a new angle on risk assessment and management.
2106959
In short, the book is a good primer on how to play petty games that won't land a quality man.  Still, there are some good points that one can take away, suchas one should value one's self and not be over-eager to jump into the sack until you really know someone.

As a male, I enjoyed reading the rules, because I thought it was hilarious, although it was not intended to be.  My biigest source of amusement was picking out which rules made me LESS likely to want to date someone.  Then again, I'm the kind of guy who enjoys open, honest communication and am self-aware and confident.  My guess is many of these rules will work wonders with guys who have self-esteem issues, rigid expectations of gender roles and are willing to chase someone, because they don't have a lot of options in their dating life.  Me?  I prefer a woman who doesn't play games, is an equal in a relationship and seems to like me as much as I like her, but I guess there are all kinds of men out there who will respond well to these sorts of things.  I'm just not one of them.

It send up a red flag anytime a book says to not discuss it with your therapist.  Let's see, should one talk to someone who is an expert in interpersonal communication, or listen to a book about dating and marriage written by a divorced woman and her single friend?  Talking with one's therapist about relationship issues seems like a good idea. By the way, there's a whole chapter devoted to why you shouldn't listen to your friends and family if they tell you the book is nuts. Anytime someone tells you not to trust your friends, family and therapist, follow that advice at your own risk.

I'm a guy, so perhaps this advice won't fly--but I'd say the best way to find someone you like is to be yourself, love yourself and don't be afraid to take some risks.  Games like "The Rules" probably won't lead you to a relationship with true emotional intimacy, but if you enjoy playing catty games and screwing with people's heads, this book is for you.
595753
In the few weeks since I finished reading this book, I've had several marvelous, thought-provoking discussions with friends on the ideas presented here.

This book reminds me of one of the most important lessons:  I make mistakes.  I overestimate how often events which receive big media coverage actually happen. I magically find patterns in random data.  I believe things I want to believe while sharply questioning contradictory information. "How We Know What Isn't So" explains why, and gives me tools to improve.  Very useful in our times where every idea gets a convincing web site.

Short, readable, worthwhile.
1191388
This book was very helpful in understanding the interaction of family, friends, casual friends, coworkers, and people we deal with in all other capacities. For those who've read the Cloud/Townsend book Boundaries, this book reinforces the concept and reasons for setting safe boundaries in our lives.

It's apparent to me that we give our trust too easily - as I've heard Dr. Cloud say more than one (in his videos) "We lock our doors to our homes and require identity when a stranger wants to enter, but we often open our hearts to people and give them our trust without finding out who they are." (paraphrased) This is true. I have learned not to automatically open the door to trust in relationships without developing a sense of who the person is on the inside.

I would highly recommend this book to young people so they can avoid learning about people through difficult experience. Decades of the media message to people (especially in music) appears to feed on highly dependent relationships.

We'll probably always be disappointed in people we thought we could trust, but this information in Safe People will help us make better choices and increase our odds of finding real and safe relationships.
1079755
This book gives valuable insight in how we take decisions. By carrying this insight with us, we may manage to be more rational in our choices. Key learning points:
1. System 1 (our fast but somewhat shallow thinking capacity) constructs stories and system 2 (our deeper but somewhat slow and lazy thinking capacity) believes in them.
2. A general limitation of our mental capacity is our underdeveloped ability to reconstruct earlier knowledge and opinions that we have left behind.
3. An outside view based on a representative case, may provide us with a ballpark indication that is far more valuable than a plan based on a theoretical scenario we think is likely.
4. Complacency or stubbornness may be the result when we build a story around information we believe in and neglect information we do not have.
5. Letting a group run idea generation about what could go wrong (premortem), may inhibit groupthink.
6. In a choice between two bad outcomes of which one is a certain loss and the other a possibility of losing even more, diminishing sensitivity makes us more risk seeking.
7. We put exaggerated emphasis on the distance between 0-5% likelihood (possibility effect) and likewise between 95-100% likelihood (certainty effect). If we consistently put too much weight on unlikely outcomes, which is very common, we will be worse off than if we managed to consider the risk more cynical.
8. The implementation of a plan is easy to imagine. Thus, it stands in contrast to all the vague possibilities of other outcomes (planning fallacy).
9. Consider a game with low risk and positive expected value as one of many through life. By using this perspective, we may accept a higher risk, which in return gives us a higher total outcome.
10. Memories are all we have from our experiences in life, and the only perspective we can use on our life is our remembering self. Our experiencing self has no voice. Our remembering self speaks about we have learnt from our experiences.
2213688
This book may represent the most "teachable moment" yet from this best-selling author, who is also known for her teachings on "Addicted to Being Right."  Her knowledge of brain science illuminates how the most seemingly innocent phrase can trigger disastrous amounts of distrust and fear in the brain.  These reactions can cause just a few wrong turns of conversation into actions that can derail relationships, job prospects and ultimately even the success of large companies.  The good news is, Glaser shows us how even some small adjustments to the way we approach our conversations and interactions with family, employees or prospective employers can make a world of difference and truly change our lives in a profound way that does not require years of therapy or coaching.
343087
You'll enjoy reading about 2 seemingly incompatible people learning to reach for what they want. They see each other for who they are, flaws and all and do not try to change the other. Quick read.
1363774
This is a great book about people with previous relationships getting into another and trying, and succeeding, in their new relationship by assessing where they've gone wrong (not necesarily ther previous partner) in their previous relationship and in that context assessing their current relationship and the person with whom the now relationship is and working towards building something better and stronger--for both parties rather than just for one. Motor biking is just a background to the development and acceptance of two people in a relationship, especially one that starts after 40! Excellent read, excellent lessons for all partners, be thei in an existing relationship or are currently starting one or intend to get into one soon....
3257470
I found this book fascinating enough to read twice, because it shows how our psychology and biology determine who we choose to have a relationships with.  Wonder why your relationships always seem to turn out the same way or why you seem to always date the same person over and over again?  The answer is in this book.

Two concepts from the book that hit home with me were that we are always attracted to the person whose key fits our lock.  Put us in a room with 500 people and we will find the one whose dysfunction matches our need.  The second concept is that our needs are formed by the combination of both our biology...human nature, and our environment, the lessons and examples we learned from our parents.  We all have holes, or gaps as Rocky would say, and we need someone else to fill these holes.  The sad thing is that sometimes these holes we need filled require a dysfunctional and destructive relationship.  Our subconscious tells us this is normal.

If you've been involved in one bad or unsatisfying relationship after another this book will help you understand why.  That in itself is comforting.  The unfortunate part is that our biology and upbringing tends to doom us into these patterns as they are hardwired into our brains.  We sometimes need that dysfunctional person and relationship in our lives to feel whole.

Everyone should read this book.  We all want healthy and fulfilling relationships but most of us look for them armed with the wrong information and a misunderstanding of how to achieve one.  I highly recommend this book.
4077611
New from New Growth Press, publisher for CCEF, is "We're Just Friends" and Other Dating Lies: Practical Wisdom for Healthy Relationships. Here is what the publisher says about it: "As a pastor of a large congregation and former singles pastor, author Chuck Milian has seen firsthand the broken relationships that occur when men and women don't move with proactive care in and through their dating relationships. With pastoral wisdom and insight, Milian educates readers about defining expectations before they start dating, and he outlines a specific five-step dating plan that will help limit relational damage as they look for someone to share their lives with. The author encourages, challenges, and instructs believers in this comprehensive how-to-date handbook. He gives practical advice on wisely forming relationships with the opposite sex while still having fun, avoiding unnecessary hurts, making lifelong friends, and knowing `where they are' each step of the way." This book seems to go beyond what I have seen in most titles about dating to help make sense of the progressive nature of relationships; I think that is a helpful addition to the field.
283087
I was directed to this book by a friend whose husband recently had an affair on her. My fiancee and I had been having trouble and, though no one was having an affair, we were having trouble that finally resulted in us postponing the wedding.

I can't say for certain whether or not the book will help, but it did resonate with me -- and with my fiancee, although she's still in the process of reading it.

Harley's basic thesis is that to make marriage work, each partner has to do things that continue building love. In his terminology, you have to keep getting "positive deposits of love units in your Love Bank."

Now, as cheesy as the "Love Bank" analogy is, I think it is useful, although he relies on it extremely heavily and I'm not sure that is so productive. It seems like it runs a danger of creating a constant state of paranoia about screwing up and making the other person unhappy.

Of course, in my own relationship, that's exactly the state I've been in for months...

He breaks down human needs to ten areas, five of which are (generally) most important to men and five of which are (generally) most important to women -- although every couple is unique, he points out regularly.

The needs are:

Affection

Sexual Fulfillment

Conversation

Recreational Companionship

Honesty & Openness

Physical Attractiveness

Financial Support

Domestic Support

Family Commitment

Admiration

So maybe there is something to thinking about the Love Bank. Maybe there is merit to the idea that you focus yourself on fulfilling your partner's needs. Perhaps it is useful to constantly think about what actions you can perform that will get you deposits instead of withdrawals from the Love Bank.

The one piece of advice that I think is most outrageous is when he says, as part of "Recreational Companionship," that couples should begin eliminating recreational activities that both partners don't enjoy or take part in. So I have to completely purge myself of video games, writing reviews on Epinions, and other assorted activities while my fiancee must completely purge herself of sewing. Cooking we can keep because, while I don't care to cook, I avidly enjoy the eating phase, so it's still a joint activity.

I do understand his rationale on this -- it is more helpful to the relationship to do activities that we both enjoy together than to do individual activities separately. But he's recommending giving up things that you love to do, and even activities that may not bother your spouse, just as a preventative measure because such activities might, in the future, cause some sort of discord between you. While I can't fault his logic, it seems unreasonable and extreme. In his defense, Harley makes it clear that this is one of the most controversial aspects of his program -- but he sticks with it.

Aside from that, I found few problems with Harley's thinking. Basically, he's saying that to stay married you have to stay in love and in order to stay in love you must continue trying to please your spouse. If it has any fault, it's probably that it's too simple for today's complex world.

This, I think, is part of the problem with society instead of with this book: the world is so complex that people aren't taking the time to actually devote themselves to their spouse.
2393071
The biggest mistake investors make consistently is to chase what has done well recently and shun what has done poorly. Dalbar quantifies how this results in much poorer performance than a buy-and-hold asset allocation approach. John Train does a really good job describing how the bad timing approach can be reversed. Recommend.
2424955
Our romantic relationships have a huge impact on our general quality of life.  Bad relationships can and do affect our lives in many ways.  If our personal relationships are unsatisfactory, it is difficult to achieve our full potential, career goals or other personal goals.

With so much at stake, it would seem reasonable that people would seek out expert guidance on how to develop, build and maintain good romantic relationships.  In addition, we should seek to understand the underlying problems of poor relationships, signs to watch for, and know when and how to end a bad relationship.  Yet too often we are ruled by our emotions and romantic fantasies which result in much emotional pain.

Aubrey Burton, Jr., author of A Divorce Lawyers Guide to  Relationships, has written a complete guide designed to bring more practical wisdom into our decisions around romantic relationships. According to Burton, Problems occur when people enter into relationships without establishing clear roles and rules, which naturally results in conflict, unrealized expectations, and unnecessary stress.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is some magic around falling in love and trying to establish clear roles and rules will kill that magic. But Mr. Burton makes a very strong case that entering into romantic relationships without establishing clear roles, rules and expectations is setting yourself up for significant emotional distress.

Mr. Burton takes a very logical, well thought out approach to romantic relationships.  He examines all phases of romantic relationships and discusses in great detail the most successful ways to deal with the various issues that come up in personal relationships.  The book is based on his extensive experience as a divorce attorney.  He gives plenty of actual examples from his work dealing with couples in broken or badly damaged relationships.

Mr. Burton discusses the underlying foundation of a relationship that will last: honesty, satisfaction and companionship.  If both partners do not have compatible goals for the relationship, it is doomed to fail. That does not mean the people must think alike, but it does mean that their goals must be compatible.

Mr. Burton writes in a conversational style with a tint of legalize scattered throughout the book.  Mr. Burton is a lawyer and as such sees the world through the lens of his legal training.  He adequately explains all legal terms and concepts he uses.  There are a few type/formatting glitches but they are not excessive and do not really detract from the substance of the book.

This book will be helpful for anyone involved in or likely to be in a romantic relationship.  The approach is based on Mr. Burtons observations of thousands of couples he has worked with  so there is some common recurring themes that seem to show up in relationships that don't work.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  It is easy to think that your love is so strong it will overcome all problems.  Unfortunately, the love often fades and you will find yourself needing the services of someone like Mr. Burton.

I was provided a review copy of this bool.
566695
The main audience of this book seems to be people with insecure style of attachment. For those of you who are not familiar with the theory, attachment theory basically observes and predicts that people with secure attachment (parents were loving, attentive, relatively stress-free) often grow up to have more satisfying relationships. Those with insecure style of attachment, preoccupied (often perceived as needy and temperamental) and dismissive (emotionally distant and aloof), generally face problems in this area. By implementing the meditation practices she introduces in the book, Lucas argues, insecure attachment people could form an "earned secure attachment", which basically means developing autonomy for preoccupied people and being more comfortable with intimacy for dismissive people. Meditation rewires the neural synapses in the brain so that we can respond more effectively in relationships.

Through informative but clear introduction to the relevant cognitive neuroscience involved, Dr. Marsha Lucas illustrates the concept of neuroplasticity, aka. the ability of the brain to rewire itself through experience and focused practice, as related to relationships. Even though the focus of this book is on romantic relationships, I find the information and practice provided to apply to other relationships as well.

Her writing style is fun and informative. She manages to break down difficult concepts into easily understandable chunks of information. I enjoy the meditation practices, some of which I was not familiar with before. Even though I'm already aware of the multitude of benefits meditation offers, I find it intriguing and hopeful to see that its benefits pertain to relationships as well. Along with the anecdotes provided through her own experiences with patients, Dr. Lucas shows that we can literally change the neural connections so that our brain can be rewired for love.

Update November 26, 2013:
I have meditated for 25 minutes everyday almost 3 months. Both my boyfriend and I have noticed I'm less moody and becoming more joyful and relaxed. My response to anger and irritation are also not as reactive as before. I'm slowly getting better at becoming mindful of my anger. Now, when I get can feel the anger rising, I'm more quick to catch it on its path and soothe myself. The progress comes subtly and slowly but it's definitely encouraging to see positive changes.