I think I got Ants in my Pants from reading this.
342581
Ants in My Pants truly hold the funny incidents that as children we get into.  Mary Ann Vitale did a great job of bringing back those memory in words and illustration.  This is a great books for young kids to be read to at bedtime.
1121184
If you have a weak stomach, please don't read this. I was recently pregnant when I began reading this book and wow, I got pretty sick while I was reading it. Also, I didn't at all like the way that it was written, but that was a personal style issue.
854657
I need to quit reading books written by comedians, even the smart ones. Even the ones I love.

Patton Oswalt is a passable writer, for sure. But is his writing as funny as his comedy? Nope. Not even a little bit.

I'd best describe "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland" as a decently-written blog. Some jokey content here, some personal anecdotes there, but at the end of the day, it adds up to a bunch of nothing.

I didn't chuckle at all and only laughed out loud once (and trust me, I'm not a tough crowd). That was when he wrote down a joke concept called "horrible things that have popped into my head while masturbating that didn't stop me from masturbating." HA! I'm still cracking up.

But there you go. That was the funniest part. Go read something else. Sorry, Patton. I'll come see your shows anytime!
977448
I will never again deliberately kick in an anthill. (Nor should anyone who lives in tick-infested areas, because ants kill ticks.)
  Anthropomorphism is perhaps all but unavoidable in storytelling about non-human creatures; but here it is limited to the ants' thoughts and conversations; and how can we really prove they don't think deep thoughts and hold conversations? Otherwise, while I admit I am no entomologist, their life patterns struck me as realistically convincing: I even found a rationale for the author's applying the male pronoun to everyone but the queen(s). At the same time, parables applicable to human society are going on here, with elitist vs. democratic forms of government and the menace of a ruthlessly totalitarian enemy. Above all, the main characters -- all ants -- become sympathetic individuals: These little creatures became very real to me, and I grew very concerned about who would survive, and how; saying more than once, "Oh, I didn't want that one to die!"
  It is one of the very few books that, as soon as I had finished, I began rereading at once.
278889
I have re-named this book "Act Like A Stepford Wife, Think Like A Brainwashed Co-dependent Puppet". It made me puke in my mouth just a little bit while I was reading it. If this is what I have to do to make a man happy, then I'm switching to women!
1652262
This read is so LOL that I simply have to tell you about some of the stuff in it, so you can Make(ing) Your Mind Up (another UK Eurovision song, ha!) about it before buying.

The tale has a male character in Macio, and a female in Aiden - and no, I'm not being insulting or funny, as I love femme MM leads/Twink MM leads, in fact pretty much any type of MM lead - see my reviews of the many kinds of MM and occasional MMM that I read. Yes, he was seriously written as a woman, but called a guy's name. He cried, he clasped his hands together, tears glistened, he channelled his inner female ESP, his inner 'female dog', amongst other things.

Macio may have been an MMA fighter, but we got told nothing about the sport, about his training, about the build-up. The matches, with perhaps the exception of one when he wasn't on his game, were over in under 4 mins, and then it was a quick bit of media, Sir Alex F-style (he of the English footy club, who hated talking to the press) and that was it. There was some mention of calories and food, but this tale 'didn't go there' with regards anything MMA-ish. It was pretty much a cop-out.

The older guy thing? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (and yes, that's deliberate, as you'll see momentarily) blatantly obvious and so LOL that I can't believe that Macio went along for it, even for the seconds before he came to his senses.

The break-up was so poorly orchestrated (Oh, no, we won't break up, followed by OK then, we'll have to break up) and then suddenly got forgiven and forgotten three months later, with pretty much no questions asked.

Here's the other stuff that had me LOL'ing. FYI, 'fark' replaces the most obvious sex word that starts with an F, as without this, the review won't be allowed by Amazon.

Their PUBIC outing. Yes, stuff that involves intimate body hair??

Phrases like: Drooling precum like a leaky faucet, and Pinnacle of ecstasy, and May I have a conscious [conscience].

'Fark me pls. Fark me so hard! I wanna walk out of here limping!' Aiden flirted.

'Ahhhh,yeah. Ooooohhhh, fark.' (Aiden)

'Yeah, farking shoot that sexy load'. (Aiden)

'Ahhhh, arrrrggg, faaaaaark.' (Aiden)

'Fark, argghh, god. I want you inside me forever.' (Aiden)

'Ahhhhh, I'm cumming.' (Macio)

'Oohh, yes, cum inside..' (Aiden)

'Oohhhhh, shiiit, yeeeaaaah...' (Aiden)

Oh, and then, in one scene, post-creepy old guy's arrest, another character seemingly morphs into him so that creepy old guy's sat at the bedside of the guy he's just shot. How did the betas miss this? How did the editors? Or should that be 'what editors/betas?'

Seriously, the above are quotes and stuff directly from the novel; I kid you not. So now do you get the reference to the Gina G song?

Deleted from my Kindle. And, it's a pity that the freebie bit showcased the best bits of the tale, as if it had been any longer, I wouldn't have bothered with it. Even more of a pity, as ANW's recent solo mystery tale was excellent, and a nice departure from her long-running Fated Hearts series, which itself was almost consistently good. I think the readers giving this 5*, may not have read the same book I did. Lucky them.
4261187
Wow, this was...not good. But I ended up finishing it because I'm stubborn like that, and it ended up being unintentionally amusing. Unfortunately, I don't think the author meant it to be.

Oh, the descriptions and the metaphors. So bad. Here's a small sample for your amusement:

"his heart was thumping like a meat pulveriser in his chest, and his thighs swirled with a cyanide gloom"
"passed them to Marcus, like a penguin passing an egg on the ice"
  (this one was the most fun to picture in my head)
"her eyes sashayed across his cheekbones"
"his thighs felt as if they were filling with glitter"
  (apparently this is a good thing)
"felt as gawky as a half-chewed toffee"
"let out and ejaculation-style whimper"
  (this was in relief, and not of the sexual variety)

This is throughout the whole book!
And the bad guy, wow that he over the top and ridiculous.
1139615
That I loved Water for Elephants so much (I did), that I would be so eager to read her next book (I was), I would
shell out fifteen bucks for the hardback even (which I also did)?  I feel like a chump- what a disappointing read.  I'd give it zero stars if I could.  All bonobos everywhere are signing gimme book book bad dirty toilet book.
2531069
I loved this book and God more than my pants and Jesus. It is a great read if you can read. I cannot. However, my pants is off and I am about to jiggle like the year of our lord 19 and 99. This is a best book forever. Get it or I will get you. Got it?
3475130
Are you kidding? I felt like putting on my acid-wash jeans and sitting by the fire with my girlfriend in her flashdance sweatshirt and stirrup pants. This is not music to appreciate - this is music to accompany some cheasy 80's movie or Aaron Spelling series.
2755105
This book gives 50 shades a run for their money. This book was just incredibly dirty it puts every porno to shame. Just reading about the characters dig bick made me blush. What I would do to have the up me *pants*

Hands down the best erotica ever. So many sex scenes it left me satisfied for days. The way Onision wrote it just had me grasping the pages as I let out orgasmic moans.

Well done, onision. Well done.
4071191
I'm 22 years old. I remember having the sand ant farms as a kid. So one day my dad spontaneous buys me this for some reason. I thought the idea of having those red fire ants would be cool, and it would be fun to watch them do their thing.

This "toy" is fun, I guess. It comes with a useless plastic tool to make tunnels, and a vague, cheap instruction booklet. I use the word toy rather loosely because I cannot BELIEVE the company thinks 5 year old children should have the ability to play with these ants. They are not the red fire ants I thought, they are even more dangerous Red Harvester Ants, which have a sting so painful it is a 4 out of 5 on the Schmidt pain scale. And these ants are aggressive, even if they are all females.

I would say the best thing about this product is maybe the educational value, but come on, I could learn more on Wikipedia about ants and not have to watch them suffer in this useless and poorly designed product. It is fun to watch the ants interact, when they do that. They will clean each other, but they put NO effort into building tunnels. They will just tunnel out the side of the wall and then climb to the ceiling and fall to the bottom. You can tell these ants don't want to be in this thing and will literally die trying to get out.

Here are more flaws with this product: Despite being rather sturdy I suppose, the top of this thing is just weird to take on and off. It's rather horrible because if this thing fell, the top would definitely come off, it's just not secure enough. That is a scary thought considering this "vivarium" houses almost 20 angry female ants.

Why are the ants angry? Like I said, I followed the directions to a T. They are angry because despite this being made of "Space Age NASA" technology, they hate this farm. The gel is too thick for them to burrow any tunnels. In fact, they never made any progress on the three tunnels I pre-dug for them with the tool that was included with the kit. If tunnels WERE to be dug, you couldn't see them, even with the stupid light it comes with. Y'know, the company says to "wait two weeks any insert the tool to widen the tunnels". It must all be a joke to Uncle Milton, that is a pretty joke name, after all. Yeah, it's a joke because like I'm ever really going to be sticking my hand in this thing with these ants in it. The gel is too green anyway and you can't see through it well enough.

Back to the angry ants. The ants simply burrowed the sides and one part of the farm away. Then they proceeded to climb up to the ceiling and dropped into the bottom, killing themselves. If they aren't doing that, they spend time climbing up the wall trying to escape or if you use a magnifying glass, you can see them trying to bite the plastic wall, trying to escape. They hate the gel.

It never molded, I read someone's complaint that "white stuff" accumulated in the corner. That is just gel they have been piling up. It doesn't matter, because after one month or so of having this thing, about 5 ants are left and the rest are trying to kill themselves or have already done so.

Most people say they have problems getting the ants in the mail. I just tried to watch for them and they arrived, although a couple were dead.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this review before I threw this thing away. I almost feel like throwing it into the woods and letting the ants run free, it would do them better than to let them continue to pile up in this literal ant cemetery.

Don't buy this. Do research and buy one that is better than this piece of crap. Seriously. And don't let your children around ants like these, they are aggressive and WILL give you a nasty bite if you let them!
2182498
I made it thirty pages. The book starts with a Jupiter miner who swears a lot. Then we flash to a battle scene between mechanical spiders (Skinnies in Starship Troopers and A Deepness in the Sky by Vinge probably covered this gerne fully - but I digress) and psi-marines. Then we were somewhere I couldn't figure out where it was skimming, as I had begun to read the book looking for substance. Then, I think we were back on Jupiter, but then there was this girl in her sweaty underwear experiencing her dead brother's dream...because she was more psychic than...others...maybe psi-marines...or her brother? Maybe the big crime organization on Freeport (aka Mos Eisley)?
Well, she was more psychic than me. I was rattled and confused, and saw not profit in continuing the book.
2597480
I bought these after having no luck with the Raid ant baits.  I moved to Florida and started seeing tiny, tiny ants in my apartment bathroom, of all places.  Then I started seeing them in the kitchen.  The kitchen ants I was able to control once I found that they were nesting underthe  metal piece where the faucet meets the base of the sink. Ew.  Flushed that with a water/soap/vinegar mixture over, and over, and the dead ants washed right out.  Tracing the trails back revealed that the ants weren't coming in from a window, or door. They were in my walls. Ick.
So, the baits are really simple, although I was super worried about my dog, since these seem easier for him to get to than the black plastic ones.  I keep him out of the area, or place a piece of cardboard around the trap so he can't eat it, but the ants can still get it.
Holy heck- be prepared for a LOT of ants. I not only attracted every sugar/ghost ant, I attracted species I hadn't seen before. The ghost ants were all gone within 48 hours. The little black ants..those took about a week. They were coming out of electrical sockets and down the walls- it was a horror show.  And I bought more traps.  A tip- don't leave anything on the floor for them to hide under.  I picked up the bathroom mat I had draped over the side of the tub and HUNDREDS poured out. After gagging, gaping, and taking the mat outside to beat against a tree until the ants were gone and my skin stopped crawling- I returned and violated the trap instructions.  You aren't supposed to interfere with the ants.  But there were SO many on my bathroom floor.  I hit the whole swarm with vinegar/soap/water mixture, then wiped the carcasses away with a paper towel.  It probably added a few days to my total extinction time, but it was worth it.

After two months of not being able to use the bathroom without seeing a dozen ants scurrying past, I have not seen an ant in there for 5 days. I no longer feel the need to hold my feet off the floor when I pee.  I will continue to place a few traps out to curb new colonizations, and I will continue to use Terro traps. They work.
4785783
I expected to enjoy this story; I didn't expect that it would bring out such strong emotions in me.
I spoke to Jacqueline Patricks a few weeks ago, and she warned me that she wrote a book that was real to the way guys think an act. She should know. She worked as a paramedic for over twenty years with a predominantly male workforce that let everything fly. All I can say, if this is how young adult males think and act, I'm moving to the Amazon Island like on Wonder Woman .

To be fair, the guys and the girls both had their faults. I'll start with the guys.

Mike-overly jealous and stupid. You fought with Amanda over some of the dumbest things.
***********************************************************Spoiler**************************************************************************************************[ I was surprised they stayed together for as long as they did. And deliberately getting into a wreck cause you're fighting with your girlfriend. No seatbelt??!!! Drama queen much???
***********************************************************End Spoiler**************************************************************************************] You're always talking about the bro code, but you drop Jay like a hot potato when you want to spend time with Amanda. Dude, don't drop your friends when you get a girlfriend.

Jay-When you're not lusting over your best friend's girlfriend, you're just trying to get laid without any emotional attachments.
**********************************Spoiler************************************************************************************************
You are a class A turd to the one character I actually liked in the story. At the end, when you put her in the friend zone, was the only time you were actually decent to her.
*********************************************End Spoiler****************************************************************************************

Amanda-The whole time with Amanda, I kept hearing the song She's Kinda Hot by Five seconds of Summer. She's got a gorgeous body and long legs. And she's smart; she got accepted to med school. But other than making snarky comments to Jay, that seems to be her only purpose. She's kinda hot, though.

Tiffany-The one character in the story I truly liked. She was truly kind, and it hurt to see her beg for little crumbs of attention from Jay just so he could get laid. Girl, you are so much better than that.

It was a great story with infuriating characters and I really didn't expect things to turn out the way they did. I do have to agree with Jay at the end. "...for some reason, (she) fell in love with me too. Still haven't figured out why, and I'm hoping she doesn't either."
2157779
I must admit, ths book was very... ironic. Ms. Andrews is a good writer, the way she writes is legible. But, what she writes about is... weird. This book freaked me out a little, because: Could someone be that harsh and imprison 4 innocent siblings in an attic? The fact that the two oldest siblings committed incest was beyond gross. Their parents committed incest themselves, so I see why those two ended up following their parents' footsteps. I really, really felt sorry for the twins. Especially that little boy, because he was killed! If Ms. Andrews took out the whole "incest" event, I would have rated this book as "*****". This book was full of suspense, and I must admit I couldn't put it down. (Besides going to the bathroom and going to bed.) If you like to read different books, I guess you should read this. :)
766140
Withing the first chapter or two the lurid sexual references kept me from reading any farther. I was truly disgusted. This is truly a male adventure only. I want to burn it so no one else will be drug down with its pages.