textfiles.com: /magazines/BLAH/blah-011.txt
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    File        ÝßÜ    Ý        ÜÝ   ÝßÝÜÝ        Written August 3rd, 1992
    #011        Ý  Ýig Ýong  ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý   Ýairy
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                         Presents
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                "Why Satanists are Pussies"
               ³            by             ³
                        Constantine
               À            ÄÄ             Ù
                                       
        Just ask Geraldo Rivera-- the Satanic threat is everywhere.  Yes,
dear reader, on YOUR VERY BLOCK Satanists are getting stoned on low-grade
grass and listening to Judas Priest as we speak!  Some are performing
gross acts of self-abuse at this very moment, strange, dark and forbidden
rites involving small animals and PVC tubing!  This evil must be stopped.
To do my part, I present here a partial list of exactly why Satanists are,
for lack of a better word, pussies.

10:  Bad fashion.

9:  Satanic messages are encoded backwords on rock n' roll records, right?
  Who else but a Satanist would invest that much money in record albums?

8:  Tired arms from spinning records backwards.

7:  Stupid hand gestures.

6:  No native symbols-- they have to steal them from Christians and Pagans
  and display their creativity by flipping them upside down.  Wow.

5:  Most teenage Satanists limit their activities to burning cheap incense
  while getting stoned.  Not only do they do everything backwards, they
  do it half-assed.

4:  Succubi aren't as much fun as you think.

3:  They take "Satanic" rock lyrics seriously.

2:  The current leader of the Church of Satan is named Zeena LaVey.  Do
  YOU want to follow someone named Zeena LaVey?

        And, the number one reason why Satanists are pussies...

1:  Dan Quayle is a Satanist.  No joke!  His spelling problems are the
  result of years of writing backwards.

        Stay tuned for my next tfile, "Why Christian Fundementalists are 
Pussies, Too."  With luck, I'll have every religious fanatic in North
America after my ass by Yuletime.  Until next we meet,

                                                Constantine.

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