Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her ideas and development?
An elephant's trunk has many purposes, including breathing, smelling, drinking, lifting, and communicating. It contains about one hundred thousand different muscles. Elephants have a very long gestation period: a female is pregnant for nearly twenty-two months before giving birth. Newborn calves weigh as much as two hundred pounds. Sadly, thousands of elephants are killed every year for their ivory tusks. Even though the ivory trade is illegal, it has not been completely stopped. As a result, elephants are endangered.
by including more details by clearly stating the main idea by focusing on one main idea
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her ideas and development by focusing on one main idea.
For example, the writer could choose one of the underlined ideas and develop it more fully instead of touching on several different ideas.
An elephant's trunk has many purposes, including breathing, smelling, drinking, lifting, and communicating. It contains about one hundred thousand different muscles. Elephants have a very long gestation period: a female is pregnant for nearly twenty-two months before giving birth. Newborn calves weigh as much as two hundred pounds. Sadly, thousands of elephants are killed every year for their ivory tusks. Even though the ivory trade is illegal, it has not been completely stopped. As a result, elephants are endangered.