Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her ideas and development?
In the second half of the story, the man finally recognizes the power of nature. He tries to build a fire because of the extremely cold temperature. He is able to start a fire, so he thinks he will survive. However, melting ice from the branches above extinguishes the fire. His half-frozen fingers are too stiff to move, so he clutches desperately to relight the fire. Despite having plenty of matches, he realizes that he won't be able to make it.
by including more examples from the text by removing the second main idea by including more analysis
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her ideas and development by including more analysis.
For example, the writer could provide analysis for the underlined examples by indicating how the man's sense of hope underscores his arrogant attitude towards nature, how small incidents like an extinguished fire and cold fingers can be all that separates life from death, and how the man is defeated by the brutality of the wilderness.
In the second half of the story, the man finally recognizes the power of nature. He tries to build a fire because of the extremely cold temperature. He is able to start a fire, so he thinks he will survive. However, melting ice from the branches above extinguishes the fire. His half-frozen fingers are too stiff to move, so he clutches desperately to relight the fire. Despite having plenty of matches, he realizes that he won't be able to make it.