Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her sentence fluency?
If I became student council president, I would make significant changes at my school. I would help my fellow students by being the voice of the student body and communicating openly and effectively with the principal, board of education, school faculty and staff, and parents. For example, I would make every effort to represent students' interests on issues such as mobile phones in the classroom, healthy lunch options in the cafeteria, and improved showers and lockers in our gymnasium. In addition, I would focus on organizing more social events for students, including talent shows, sports tournaments, fashion shows, dances with exciting themes, and battle of the band competitions.
by combining sentences containing related information by varying sentence length
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her sentence fluency by varying sentence length.
For example, the writer could shorten the underlined sentences to make the text read more smoothly.
If I became student council president, I would make significant changes at my school. I would help my fellow students by being the voice of the student body and communicating openly and effectively with the principal, board of education, school faculty and staff, and parents. For example, I would make every effort to represent students' interests on issues such as mobile phones in the classroom, healthy lunch options in the cafeteria, and improved showers and lockers in our gymnasium. In addition, I would focus on organizing more social events for students, including talent shows, sports tournaments, fashion shows, dances with exciting themes, and battle of the band competitions.