Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her organization?
When I worked on my grandparents' farm one summer, I spent a lot of time caring for animals—feeding chickens and pigs, milking cows, and grooming horses. I decided to become a vegetarian. As a vegetarian, I eat lots of fruit, vegetables, grains, and dairy products. At first, I thought it would be hard to eat enough food to feel full, but that hasn't been the case. Beans and cheese are my main sources of protein now, and they keep me full for hours. I'm so thankful that I can express my love of animals—all animals—by not eating them.
by making a general statement before giving specific examples by adding a transition between the first two sentences by reordering to keep related ideas together
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her organization by adding a transition between the first two sentences.
For example, the writer could provide a smoother transition between the first two sentences by adding text such as After realizing how much I love animals, I couldn't bear the idea of eating meat anymore.
When I worked on my grandparents' farm one summer, I spent a lot of time caring for animals—feeding chickens and pigs, milking cows, and grooming horses. I decided to become a vegetarian. As a vegetarian, I eat lots of fruit, vegetables, grains, and dairy products. At first, I thought it would be hard to eat enough food to feel full, but that hasn't been the case. Beans and cheese are my main sources of protein now, and they keep me full for hours. I'm so thankful that I can express my love of animals—all animals—by not eating them.