Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her narrative voice?
During our last game, our pitcher Hansen suddenly grabbed his wrist after throwing a fastball. Coach Chu asked him if he was OK, and Hansen said that it hurt. None of us knew what was wrong with him and he was whisked off to the doctor, who ultimately diagnosed a forearm strain and wrist tendinitis. After three weeks of rehabilitation, Hansen finally returned. Coach Chu said he was glad Hansen was back, and Hansen said he was happy and relieved.
by removing biased language by using active voice by adding dialogue
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her narrative voice by adding dialogue.
For example, the writer could replace the underlined sentences with exchanges between Coach Chu and Hansen.
During our last game, our pitcher Hansen suddenly grabbed his wrist after throwing a fastball. Coach Chu asked him if he was OK, and Hansen said that it hurt. None of us knew what was wrong with him and he was whisked off to the doctor, who ultimately diagnosed a forearm strain and wrist tendinitis. After three weeks of rehabilitation, Hansen finally returned. Coach Chu said he was glad Hansen was back, and Hansen said he was happy and relieved.