Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her organization?
In the 1800s, egrets were hunted in the United States for their long white plumes (feathers). As a result, the birds were nearly wiped out completely. Thankfully, conservation measures were put in place, and the birds were protected. In fact, in recent years, egrets have expanded their range northward, moving beyond their original habitat in the American South. The egret is a large white bird that lives near marshes, lakes, ponds, and other wetland areas.
by removing the sentence about the egrets' expanded range by providing the description of egrets when they are first introduced
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her organization by providing the description of egrets when they are first introduced.
For example, the writer could move the underlined text to the beginning of the paragraph.
In the 1800 s, egrets were hunted in the United States for their long white plumes (feathers). As a result, the birds were nearly wiped out completely. Thankfully, conservation measures were put in place, and the birds were protected. In fact, in recent years, egrets have expanded their range northward, moving beyond their original habitat in the American South. The egret is a large white bird that lives near marshes, lakes, ponds, and other wetland areas.