Prompt:
So, I (M29) have a step son who is 6 years old. I love the little fucker. He is hilarious and very articulate for his age. Better than I am honestly. Little shit.

He speaks ALL DAY LONG. Every morning he wants waffles for breakfast. Doesn't matter what morning it is or what we have in the house. Waffles. Just waffles. So... I started fucking with him. I told him "You know... if you continue to eat waffles like you do there is a chance you will turn into a waffle". Then I get a "What do you mean?" So I just spill some bullshit about how it's some disease that is extremely difficult to get blah blah blah.

A few weeks of this goes by every morning. He never believes me and I always laugh at his. Yesterday morning however... was different. I kept looking at the back of his head and when he would quickly turn to look at me.. I'd look away with that "Yup I wasn't looking!". He kept asking me what I was looking at and I told him that the back of his head is turning into a waffle and I think he has the disease. He kept feeling his head and said no it's not and I kept saying stuff like "Okaaaay" and "Whatevvvvveeerrr". Then finally... I told him that he was eating his waffle cousins and that might be why he is turning into a waffle.

He spit the waffles out and was BAWLING HIS EYES OUT and ran to find his mom and at the time I was laughing so hard.

My wife is mad at me. AITA? ######

Response: NAH. Kids react weirdly to things. Quite unpredictably. Some kids can fully get that you are joking and get a kick out of it. Other kids don't get it and the joke fizzles out. And then there are kids like your step-son who start crying over it. It's so hard to guess how a kid will interpret something, so the best you can do if the kid flips out like he did, is just say you're sorry and were just kidding, and thought he'd find it funny. Then y'all move on. ######


Prompt:
Some backstory: My ex had a child with a woman I'll call Karen. They split up when their child was a baby. We got together and had a child. We broke up, he got back with Karen, and they had another child. So my child was the middle child in that house and they were very close in age, but there was no infidelity.

One day on his time, they got into a serious car accident due to a drunk driver. Karen wasn't in the car, but all 3 kids were. Karen's children both passed away, my child had only minor scrapes. My ex is now disabled for life, and would not be able to care for himself alone.

I now have sole custody. My ex doesn't have visitation time as such as he is incapable of any childcare, but I bring my child to see him regularly as the agreement states. These visits are in a public park or his mother's house with me, Karen, his mother, and our child present.

Every time I go over there, she's giving me an angry look. It's been a year of these visits, so I finally asked her what her problem with me was. She decided to let it ALL out. She is furious with me because I'm always "gloating" that my child lived and hers didn't, starting with the hospital, where I was "overjoyed" (duh) and running up to collect my child without thinking about anyone else. I'm apparently the worst because I'm always so happy when she sees me, and I "don't ever acknowledge" that my child isn't my ex's only child. AITA here? ######

Response:
 NAH. Just remember before you shout back at her that two of her kids are dead and her partner is severely disablex because of a drunk driver. Of course you are not at fault in this situation. She is grieving and jealous and angry and a little bit of extra sympathy  for this women who helped raise your child for a time is not going to hurt you.

If you can manage it reach out in a positive way, you don't have to but its the kind thing to do here. ######


Prompt:
I live in a house with three other girls (all 20F). We don’t have an AC in our house due to our housing development claiming that we don’t need one since we live so close to the ocean so I tend to walk around in an oversized shirt and underwear to keep cool, as do the other girls. In short, my tits and naughty bits are completely covered.

One of my roomies invites her boyfriend over pretty regularly, but never gives warning as to when he’s gonna show up. Half of the time I’m awkwardly sidestepping back to my room, stumbling to throw on a pair of sweats when I’ve realized he’s come over.

We had a “house meeting” of sorts and it was suggested that we don’t walk around in our underwear anymore because of roommate’s boyfriend being a regular guest in our house. All of the girls agreed, except for myself. My issue with that is the fact that this man doesn’t pay any bills, so why does he have a say so in how we dress in our own house? My roommates say it’s just common courtesy, but I disagree because I’m not going out of my way to greet him in my underwear. WIBTA if I continued to dress how I like? ######

Response: NAH. It’s not too much to ask for your roommate to give you a heads up when her bf is coming over and it’s not too much to ask that you wear pants when he does. As long as there’s communication in your house, this shouldn’t be a problem. Just ask her for a better heads up so you can follow the rules your housemates agreed to. You should be comfortable in your house, yes, but your roommates should be comfortable, too. ######


Prompt:
He would give the sperm, and his sisters wife would give the egg and carry the baby. This way both Moms are related.

What is really happening for me as the gf is internal rage that he is having his first kid, but not with me, even though he explicitly told me he wouldn’t raise the kid because it would be the child of his sister and her wife. He would be more like the friendly uncle and the kid would know everything of course.

And I feel like it’s not fair for me to be mad, because he is doing this as an act of genuine love for his sister, and it’s a weird loophole where it’s not infidelity at all, but it’s him doing a humungous milestone that I would’ve liked to do together.

At the same time, we aren’t super super serious yet, but we also aren’t casual...it’s been about 7 months, but we have discussed how we are here for a real relationship. He is 31 and I am 30.

So needless to say I am conflicted. I have guilt for being upset but also frustration around this even happening. Share your thoughts. ######

Response:
 NAH. It’s a complex thing and as much as people think it’s progressive to say that biology doesn’t matter, it does have a real impact on some people’s feelings. I’m not one of those people, but I can understand it.

You’re not an AH for how you feel. You can only be an AH for how you choose to handle those feelings. I hope you’re able to get some outside support and work through this. And if it turns out that this whole scenario is a dealbreaker for you, well, that’s your prerogative. ######


Prompt:
So.. Let me set the scene: we have been planning our wedding from the beginning of 2019.
We set a date for next June, and sent out invites just a couple of weeks ago.
We descided for multiple reasons to make it a kids free wedding.

Well, just after we sent out our rsvp's, I got a message from my sister, asking what to do with her kids.
So I answered honestly; please get a sitter.
She got all riled up, saying how I could come to her wedding at her son's age (he's my nephew, I'm her sister) and how her sons must be able to be tought some valuable life lessons by attending weddings, funerals, etc.
Thankfully I was able to stand my ground, things simmered down, and she rsvp'd yes.

She announced last Christmas she is pregnant again. I am so happy for her, don't get me wrong, but it had some nasty consequences.

You might understand that because of this virus, my wedding has to be postponed. So we decided to move it to next September.

She is due next June, and her baby will be around 8 weeks old.
We sent out some cards this week to announce our decision to move the wedding to September.

And off course: I got a message from her. She just assumed that because we rescheduled our wedding, her baby would be allowed to come.
I told her no, and explained there were other acquaintances with young babies who were supposed to arrange a sitter too.
She proclaimed to me she thought it was irresponsible to drop an 8 week old at a sitter/family member, and therefore, will not be attending my wedding.

AITA? ######

Response: NAH. It's your wedding and if you want it child free that's totally fine. Your sister however is totally fine to put her 8 week old child first and to skip your wedding. ######


Prompt: I (a woman) have a 9 year old son with my ex wife. We got divorced 5 years ago and he lives with his birthmom and her girlfriend for 4 years. Although I am not his birthmom, I am his adoptive mom and has the same legal rights as a father would have with shared custody and i have him every other weekend. My son has always called both of us mom and his stepmom her own name. They has started insisting that he should call her mom as well. This make me feel like the "extra mom". Am I just being to sensitive? ######

Response: NAH. It's your son's decision what to say, but that wouldn't make you the asshole for expressing your opinion. ######


Prompt:
I'm in my 30s and almost all my friends now have babies or young kids. Every time they suggest something social it's me traveling to their place so we can chat while we walk the baby, or wait while they put the kids to bed and then we can game. If I turn them down they act put out, like I'm being flakey.

The other day I invited over one friend to mine for a change. She said 'You know I have Kayla, right?'. For most of my friends I'm also usually driving out to see them so it gets a bit tiresome. If I even mention the word 'tired' though I get an eyeroll like I don't know the meaning of the word. ######

Response:
 NAH. It's hard when friends have kids as their free time becomes a lot less. Also keep in mind that all of the kids stuff is at home, so it's easier to keep them entertained.

I have a 2yo and a 4yo and if we go to my friends house I'm never comfortable as I'm worried they will smash something. At least at home it's my stuff they will break or smash on accident. ######


Prompt:
My elderly neighbor is hard of hearing, and lives across about 30 yards from me in a different building.  Our patios face each other.  With all of my windows closed and curtains drawn I can tell faintly that he is watching tv when he keeps his patio door closed.  When it is open, which he does during warm weather, I can hear ever single word blaring from the tv inside my house - it's booming loud.  With the stay at home orders, I will definitely have to work from home 100% of the time until June, and likely quite a bit thereafter and find it really tough to concentrate with the commercial jingles and his political news shows screaming all day (literally 9 am to 9 pm).  I am so tempted to purchase a sound amplifier system that includes headphones to give to him as a hopefully peaceful solution, but I don't interact with him much and don't want to offend or come off as demanding him to use the headphones.

Should I just continue living with it and be grumpy about it, or should I try and offer him a tool that helps him, myself, and our other neighbors? ######

Response: NAH. It's all in the delivery. Telling him "use these, you're annoying me" would make you TA. Telling him "I'm not sure if you knew we could hear your tv, these should help you hear better! Let me know if you need help setting them up!" would be NTA. ######


Prompt:
Me(15m) my sister(15f)

This is a throwaway account because my sister knows my main.
My sister has been transitioning for about a year at this point. I have tried my best to be supportive of her in any way I can , for eg I call her by her new name and I have introduced her to some of my female friends cause I guess she'll need their support.
However , my sister has recently been very upset with me because I no longer share my private info with her. So for example, I don't tell her my crushes . I also refuse to roughhouse with her. This is something my parents support( when I was younger , my dad used to get upset if I roughhoused with my girl cousins). This has also extended to my friends. Now that she is a girl , we no longer feel comfortable telling her about how hot a friend looks.etc. what I don't understand about her being upset is that when she was a boy , she would not have said those things to a girl either! I do think she is being hypocritical.
My closest female friend (who is now close to my sis ) has told me that she thinks I am punishing my sis . I think that is bs , cause it is not as if I tell those things to any other girl.
So aita for no longer being comfortable with telling my sis somethings? ######

Response:
 NAH. It's a transitional period of change where everyone needs to get used to the new dynamics.

It's probably fear of not being as close to you as she used to be that scares her and is looking for something familiar to help her through this process.

Given how young you both are I would expect this to be a difficult time and that you will both need to find a time to talk about it and how things are changing and you will probably need time to get a new base line relationship, potentially not any worse than before but different. ######


Prompt:
Hi, I am a college student with an apartment in Philadelphia. Due to the coronavirus I moved back home with my parents. In my old room the only furniture I have is my bed and a trunk filled with clothes. (I don’t even have a closet.)

In High school I had an art studio in the basement. I saved up about $300 to convert my old playroom into a functional art studio, and did all the renovations myself. This includes purchasing a $50 shelf.

Anyways last night I was cleaning my room and I have a lot of random stuff from the move that doesn’t have anyplace to be stored. My books, headphones, perfume, sketchbooks were all in a pile on the floor. I went to the basement to look for my $50 shelf and saw that my family decided to use my shelf as a TV stand. I got the old TV shelf out of storage and set everything back up. Then, I carried my shelf up to my room. I didn’t think it would be an issue nobody goes into the basement.

Anyways my aunt is coming over for memorial day and is staying the night in the basement. They saw that I switched the shelves and had a meltdown. My mom says she just wants the room to look nice for company and is apparently very very upset over the ordeal (she suffers from depression, this isn’t out of the ordinary). My dad is screaming at me for stealing “their TV stand”. I told them that if they want the shelf downstairs that I will sell them the shelf for $50. Am I the asshole? ######

Response: NAH. It's a cheap shelf you weren't using. You and your family need to communicate better, but nothing was "ruined." Tell them you're taking the shelf when you move out, so they shouldn't get used to it. ######


Prompt:
I’m pretty sure I am in the right because my intention is solely to keep her healthy...but I feel terrible about it sometimes.

My grandma is 72 with Alzheimer’s. She does not understand that Advil, Motrin, Bayer, etc...are all essentially the same thing. She will take a couple Motrin for her headache, then 30 min later take Advil for her back pain. Sometimes she will forget when she took them and take them too close together.

This only came to my attention when she had stomach pain and was then diagnosed with gastritis, and me being home all day due to the shutdown. So I told her I’m hiding all those pills because she abuses them and everyday she comes to me asking for more for some new pain she has.

I ask now because I just found like 15 pills god around the house.

Am I being the asshole by not giving her access to subdue her pains? ######

Response:
 NAH. It's **essential** that you make sure your grandma can take her medication responsibly. you would be TA if you didn't.

See if you can get your hands on some sugar pills, place those in the boxes.

If she has real pain to manage, it needs to be managed responsibly under advice of a doctor, and not by taking loads of OTC meds whenever she feels like. ######


Prompt:
Ignore username, old burner account just incase.

I’ll start by saying that I am SO incredibly unaffectionate.  I’m awful at handling emotions.  I always have been.  I’m also notoriously insensitive, hence the post to see what other people think.

That said, I love my boyfriend with my whole heart.  We’ve been together for almost four years, about a year long distance currently, and are getting engaged soon.  He’s perfect for the most part, but y’all, I swear he tells me he loves me EVERY OTHER SENTENCE.  It wasn’t always like this, but ever since he moved for work and we only see each other once every few months, it’s non-stop.

He says it, and then expects me to say it back.  Every single time.  If I don’t, he gets upset, so I typically suck it up and say it back.

I get it, that part sounds awful, but I just feel like we’ve been together for long enough that I don’t need a constant verbal reminder that he loves me- I know he does, and he knows I do, too.

I confronted him about it last night.  I asked him to stop saying it so much because it bothers me, and he twisted it into me not wanting to say it ever, insinuating that he thinks I’m not in love with him anymore.  That’s definitely not it, I’m just someone who finds the constant reassurance more annoying than actually reassuring.

But, he hasn’t talked to me all day, and now I feel like I might be an asshole.  Am I?  It all feels so high school drama-esque, I can’t stand it. ######

Response: NAH. It sounds like your partner's primary love language is words of affirmation and yours isn't. Being partnered with someone who has a different primary love language than you can be a challenge, both because you may not always appreciate their way of expressing love and because you may have trouble expressing your love for them in a way they'll appreciate. It's understandable that you're frustrated with feeling smothered and it's also understandable that he feels rejected and hurt. Nobody's really in the wrong here, you just need to communicate about how you each feel and why and then look for a solution together. ######


Prompt:
I'd like to start by saying that both of my parents are very much still in my life. Their divorce happened when I was about 12 and from what I remember, it wasn't very messy, but I know that they really talk much outside of stuff about me like when to drop me off or whatever. I'm 16, so I still live with them, alternating weeks, if that makes sense. But that's been on hold since quarantine.

My mom started dating this guy, my now stepdad, about two years after the divorce and he's really nice, we get along pretty well most of the time. He tries really hard to be a part of my life too, he goes to a lot of my softball games and we have a tradition of going out for ice cream afterwards. About a week ago we were watching TV while my mom was at the grocery store and he said something along the lines of "You know you can call me dad I wouldn't get mad." I thought it was really weird because he said it out of the blue and he said it kinda jokingly. I didn't know how to really respond so I basically said, "Sorry, you're really awesome and I appreciate everything you do for me and mom but you'll never replace my dad."

After that, he didn't say anything and seemed kinda upset, to the point where when my mom got home she asked what happened. And since then, it feels like he's been avoiding me and when he talks to me, it's only one or two words. I feel bad, like I know I could have phrased everything better, but the thing is I don't see him as a dad. Like, he does a lot of things in a "fatherly" way, but he didn't raise me and I don't like to think of him as a replacement of my real dad. Like I said earlier, I still see my dad and we have a good relationship. AITA for feeling this way and refusing to call him dad? ######

Response:
 NAH. It sounds like the way you put things was perfectly reasonable and not meant to be hurtful. It's okay if you don't see your stepdad as a father figure now, and it's okay if you never end up seeing him as a "dad" either. He is probably just disappointed and needs time to process what you said. He may see you as his child now, and was hoping that you would see him as more of a father figure (just speculating here).

I hope that your relationship can be mended soon though! ######


Prompt:
So here's the thing- I've been dating this girl for only a few months. I was going to get her a kayak for her birthday. Word got out that I was going to get her a kayak, so it kind of got ruined. She likes the idea of it though so that's still cool. I'm thinking about just switching it up and getting her something completely different now but I still want to get her a kayak regardless so we can go use them together.

Now here's where it gets a little fucked up- my kayak is really nice and it's in good shape- but I always wanted one more designed for fishing- rod holders and whatnot. More storage. I was thinking about getting myself a new kayak and letting her use my old one - and have it not have anything to do with her Birthday- just get her something completely different and she STILL gets a kayak.

I also added that we've only been together a short time because this is the first birthday we're going to be together for and I think maybe getting her something a little more personal or romantic than a kayak might be a better idea anyway.

So let's hear it.. how much of an asshole am I?? ######

Response:
 NAH. It sounds like in the comments you know what your personal standards are for a gift already. Is there a way you could make this into a more personal thing? Maybe gift her the kayak but get it painted with her name on it? Or bring it to her with a picnic packed in it and a small gift (telling you right now: antique stores for jewelry are the fucking bomb as presents, my ex-girlfriend would go nuts for an old locket with my picture in it).

I do want to note that I think it's incredibly sweet that you're thinking about it this much. ######


Prompt:
My boyfriend [27M] and I live together in his apartment, we have been together 6 months. He has 2 dogs, a whippet (6) and a CKC spaniel (3).

My BF spoils his dogs. He buys them really expensive, obscure luxury brand dog foods. He normally has a dog walker come and take them for a walk when he’a working (not now obvi).

His dogs have a large water basin. Yesterday I filled it with water from the tap. He caught me doing this and got mad at me. He said I should only give the dogs FILTERED water from the Brita. I said it doesnt really make a difference. He argued with me and said it DOES make a difference.

We live in London UK so its not like we live in an underdeveloped country where you can’t trust the water supply. AITA here? Or is he just being really unnecessary? ######

Response: NAH. It kinda depends where you live, and how good the tap water is. I give my dog filtered water, because I don't drink water straight out of the tap either. But unless you're living somewhere with bad water, the dog is almost certainly gonna be fine. ######


Prompt:
I (28f) am a doctor in a relatively large hospital in Australia. Since January I've got a new work mate, I'll call her S. S moved here from the US. She has recently told me that she's having an unexpectedly hard time making new mates. She's a nice enough girl so I decided to take her along to a barbie that was happening yesterday.

When we were there we were all having a good time. I talked to her a d must have used the words get fucked or fuck me when talking about something. She asked me to please not use these words. I didn't think too much of it but over the course of the night multiple friends approached me asked me what S's deal is. Apparently she asked everyone she spoke to not to say stuff including bloody, cu.nt, fucking hell, bloody hell, wanker, dickhead and so on.

People were a bit annoyed cause that's just how we talk here, it's not even rude. So when she was leaving I asked if she had a good time to which she said yes. Then I asked if I could give her a word of advice and she agreed. I told her that it is hard for people to relax and socialise if they are not allowed to talk the way they usually do around her. I suggested that if she could be a bit more tolerant lots of people would be happy to invite her out to gatherings as she is a witty person. She got really upset and said that she doesn't want to be friends with rude people. I told her that this is how most Aussies talk and if that's a deal breaker she will not find friends easily.

Looking back I feel a bit bad because she does seem quite lonely but I genuinely thought it could be a cultural misunderstanding and that she'd be more accepting of it and as a consequence get more friends.

AITA? ######

Response: NAH. It is a cultural misunderstanding (although I border on her being ta for asking everyone to speak differently). She'll either get used to it or be lonely for a long time. You were right to let her know it's cultural. ######


Prompt:
So, the husband suffers from migraines. He gets one every three or four months. But they’re pretty debilitating. The kids and I are extra quiet and leave him alone to sleep for hours or until the next day when he has one. That’s fine, I’ll hold down the fort. Usually by the time I go to bed, he will have made the room uninhabitable for me. The a/c will either be set extremely cold or heat on high and he’s wrapped himself in all the bedding. Like a cocoon. There won’t be anything left for me to use except the scratchy spare blanket. If I make any noise or turn on any lights  getting to bed or sleeping, he snaps at me. Usually by that point he goes to sleep in the living room, snapping at me that I should be the one to sleep on the couch.
Today he had a migraine and has been out of it since noon. I’ve dealt with the kids alone, including the newborn baby. I’ve brought him food and medications and whatever else he needed. Finally I got the other kids to bed and
I was exhausted. I told him to get up and get his stuff and to sleep on the couch. He started protesting and said to just grab my own stuff to sleep on the couch...but there’s literally nowhere safe for me to put the baby to sleep. Her crib is in our room, next to my side. We don’t have a bassinet and besides, she sleeps really well in her own crib. She’s still way too young to be alone in her room and she’s breastfeeding. It doesn’t make sense for me to have to sleep on the couch away from her.
I feel really sympathetic that he’s going through this, I know it’s really painful and knocks him out. I really do everything I can to make him more comfortable during the day and before bedtime, but AITA for telling him to sleep on the couch while he has one?
BTW it’s a pullout couch with an upgraded mattress. It’s pretty comfortable but definitely not safe to cosleep with baby. ######

Response:
 NAH. It doesn’t sound like either of you are being nasty, just that you don’t really have enough space for him to properly deal with his migraines.
It would be a good idea to figure out what’s causing them and try to stop it, or  at the very least to find him somewhere quiet and dark to sleep that isn’t your bedroom.

I hope you manage to find a way to work this out, but you definitely aren’t an asshole for not giving up your bed, especially when you have an infant who needs you there. ######


Prompt:
My \[45M\] daughter \[17F\] passed away about 8 months ago unexpectedly. My wife \[46F\] and I were completely (and still are) devastated by her passing. We have two other children \[15F\] and \[14M\] who have taken the death of their older sister very hard. I don't think we will ever fully recover from this but slowly as a family (with the help of therapy) we have started to move forwards.

Her room until now has mostly remained untouched and the door is hard to look at every time we go upstairs. Our family therapist has recommended that we start to go through her belongings when we are ready. My wife and I feel as though we have slowly reached that point and that now would be a good time to do this (as painful as it was going to be). We talked to our other kids and they both agreed that they wanted to help.

My daughter loved to write and she has religiously kept journals since about age 5 or so. When we were going through her room the other day, my wife and I came across the box full of them. We would love to be able to read through them and feel connected to her but we are both worried that it would be a huge violation of her privacy (our kids' privacy is a huge deal to us and before she passed we would have never dreamed of reading them), and an insult to her memory.

I feel like I should also add that prior to her passing, my wife and I both maintained a strong relationship with our daughter. She would generally tell us a lot about the drama of what was going on in her life and the only disagreements we would have were the typical teen moments. So reading the journals for us isn't to catch her out on things she hadn't told us but rather way to have a piece of her with us still.

WIBTA if we decided to read through them? My wife and I are at a stalemate on the decision. We have decided no matter what to keep the journals but as for if we should read through them.... ######

Response: NAH. if you believe it will bring you peace, do it. if you believe it will harm your grief, preserve them as they are. it may be worth asking your therapist what they think about the journals specifically. ######


Prompt:
Background info:

My wife  (20F) and I (21M) started dating my senior year of highschool, her junior year. Before we got together, she dated this guy who graduated the year before me. He used her, treated her like shit, and was generally a douche. When first got together she talked about him a lot. It didn’t bother me because our relationship was fresh and she no doubt was still hurting.

Fast forward to now, 4 years together and she just spent an hour crying about how he hurt her and how much she loved him. I was a little upset this time, because we’ve been together for a long time, are married, and she’s still crying over this guy (they dated for 3 months FYI). It’s gotten to the point where I’m worried she still loves this dude (who still lives in the same town as us and is in the same social circle as her). I told her I understood pain can last a long time, but that my anxiety was kind of getting the best of me. She got pissed and stormed out. AITA? ######

Response: Nah. If he was as bad as you make it seem it sounds more like ptsd than still being in love. I was in a psychologically abusive relationship and it can effect you long term. She might be more upset with herself for being in it and sad about that ######


Prompt:
Well, it was more of an agreement than outright telling her.

So, to start off, quarantine has been hitting all of us differently, and some of us harder than others. I (27m) am an “essential” employee, and because the nature of my work is related to Covid, I’ll sometimes be at work for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. This gives my girlfriend (24 f) a lot of free time, which she often fills with her favorite hobby - baking. I should mention she is a very talented baker, and some day dreams of opening a bakery. But this also means she eats a lot of sweets.

Anyways, the AITA comes in last night. We are laying in bed talking about our current day to days, and she asks me if I want to do some yoga with her. I say that I’m exhausted, but it shouldn’t stop her. She starts complaining about how bloated she is (periods on the way) and how yoga is getting harder, “because she is getting chubby”. I say, “yeah, I understand, but at least you’re still trying to do it, maybe you can do some crunches too.” Apparently this was the wrong response.

She is upset because I was supposed to say she’s not getting chubby. But, to be honest, she is. When we started dating she was 120 lbs, now she’s 155. She’s been very self conscious lately, asking if I’m still attracted to her, etc, so I feel bad for making her insecure. But I don’t want to lie to her either. What’s the right move here Reddit, am I the asshole? Should I have been nicer? ######

Response:
 NAH. I’m not sure I can defend this, but my gut (lol) instinct is to say it would have been fine if you just encouraged her to do the yoga but suggesting the crunches was over the line.

If she’s gained 35 lbs I don’t think you should give her a hard time about it, but I also don’t think you have to pretend it hasn’t happened. And for those of us at home during quarantine, it can be hard not to eat too much and exercise too little. Not comparing it at all to the sacrifice of front line workers, just saying its a weird time and hard to motivate and pretty depressing for a lot of us. Something like yoga could really help with that. It can help with period blahs too. And it did seem like she was wanting encouragement to go through with it.

Adding the comment about the crunches is just a tad judgy though and kind of changes the tone of the convo. I’m preparing myself to get ripped for this opinion, but whatever. ######


Prompt: I am getting married next month.  I WAS very excited, but then the pandmeic happened, and everything has been chaotic.  I've never been married before, so there is still some excitement there, however, there have been minor spoilers all along the way.  Back to the story!  Our wedding is just around the corner, so I've been busy making sure I get all the small details done.  Because of this, I haven't been on many social media platforms in a while.  Last weekend, my fiance showed me a picture of one of the girls in my wedding party with very bright dyed hair.  She loves it, as the post states that, and it really does look good on her.  I was shocked by the choice in color, as I've known her for many years, and she has never dyed her hair a color that wasn't considered natural. I thought on it for a couple of days, and finally decided to call her. I told her I loved her hair, was happy that she loves it, but at the same time, would prefer that it not be that color for the wedding, and that I would cover all expenses.  I explained that I do like it, however, during the ceremony she will be right next to me, as well as in most of the pictures, and, while I don't take offense to the color, I would like the attention to be on my fiance and myelf, and that I feel her choice in hair color will take away from that. She became extremely defensive and upset, and refuses to see my side, or understand my feelings on this.  We talked for a bit, she explained her feelings and reasons, and while I understand where she's coming from, I still would prefer her to change her hair color. I offered multiple solutions that wouldn't require her to dye her hair again, but all attempts made by me were shot down.  The conversation ended with her saying she had to go and hanging up on me. So Reddit, AITA for asking my friend to change her hair color for our wedding? ######

Response: NAH. I’m going to go against the crowd here. I don’t think you asking this makes you an asshole. I can see your side on how you want a certain aesthetic for photos and a more natural look. Also, this friend hasn’t always been into alternative hairstyles, so you weren’t expecting this. If she was, maybe you wouldn’t have asked her to be in the wedding party or maybe it wouldn’t have stood out to you as much. I have a pretty personal experience with this. My bff asked me to be in her wedding. I said yes. About a month before, I dyed my hair bright pink because I was going on vacation and I’ve always wanted to try it. This is the first time my hair has been a bright color. A week or so before the wedding, she asked me if I could change it back. I didn’t take offense to this because I was already planning on doing it. I get both sides, but I think you have a right to ask, especially if this color change was unexpected. However, I would ask if this is worth losing a friendship over? At the end of the day, she is your friend and you love her. Purple may be a bright color, but this is still your day and all eyes will be on you. ######


Prompt:
I (27M) proposed to my fiancé (28F) 6 months ago. It was atop of a mountain in a picturesque scene and was totally unsuspected. I used my great grandmother’s platinum 1923 engagement ring with a 0.5 carat diamond and six ornamental 0.1 carat diamonds. It’s been in my family for 97 years and I was in possession of it for 1.5 years before proposing.

Today, out of the blue (not really, several of our friends have gotten engaged in the past few months with larger diamonds and more modern designs), she said she wants to modify the ring by taking some of the diamonds and making a new engagement ring that “more suits her style.”

This was met with resistance and shock because in my opinion, the ring is beautiful and unique, but also because it is historically significant. AITA for thinking it’s wrong for her to change the ring?

P.s. she mentioned that her friends were consulted about what kind of ring they want before being proposed to. This was her justification for changing it.

Edited for clarification:

1. We’ve dated for about 5 years before the proposal. We've talked about getting married etc., just never about ring style, which is my fault I guess.

2. Within the days/weeks after the proposal, I offered to get a bigger rock or different style, etc. She declined.

3. We got it fitted to her finger about a month after the proposal.

4. [Potato quality photo of the ring in question.](https://i.imgur.com/HflIQJo_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)

5. I'M NOT OPPOSED TO GETTING A NEW RING, JUST OPPOSED TO MODIFYING THE EXISTING RING. ######

Response: NAH. I would suggest you propose putting that ring in a safety deposit box or somewhere safe, and then save for a ring she finds more her style. I wouldn't modify it. I hate to say it, but marriages aren't what they were in 1923, and if it falls apart, I would hate for your heirloom to have been destroyed. She is the one that has to wear it everyday, so it should be a style she likes.  Does it suck that this only came up when he friends apparently influenced it? Yes, but that's life. I wouldn't allow the modification. If she balks at the idea of not having a ring, she can wear it as is until you can afford a reasonably priced one she likes. ######


Prompt:
My daughter (30F) currently lives with me (54F) just for the lockdown period so that we weren't isolated entirely alone. She announced to me a few days ago that she's been dating a woman online and plans to meet up with her and keep dating after lockdown is done. To be honest, I'd suspected that she was seeing someone because she had recently begun talking about a new 'friend' almost every day, and I've heard her using Skype a lot. I didn't know that it was a woman, though. She has only dated men up to this point. In retrospect, I can't say that I'm very surprised. Nearly every single one of my daughter's friends are gay and I've always told her that people's sexuality literally doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't affect how I view anyone, I just don't consider it at all. It's none of my business as far as I'm concerned.

After she told me, my response was to ask about her name and what she did for a living and try and show some interest in her, and that was it. Then she changed the subject. I thought I was helping by not making a big deal of it, but for the past few days she's been very quiet with me and has barely made eye contact with me. Did I somehow act like a huge asshole in how I responded? Should I have made a bigger deal of her coming out to me? ######

Response: NAH. I would have a conversation with her about it. It probably took her a lot of courage to come out. You responded just fine, but maybe your tone indicated something else? Maybe she just wants reassurance that you truly don’t care & it’s the same as if she told you she was dating a man. ######


Prompt: I'm 15 male and my sister(21F) and I(15M) decided to die my hair bleach blond today. My siblings hairs are blond because they are blood related to my parents and my dad has diry blond hair and my mom has just straight up blond hair but I'm Korean they adopted me from Korea when I was 5. I have recently been feeling a disconnect from my family and kind of feeling like the odd one out. When I told my sister(21F) this we decided to dye my hair not because it will help me look like that cuase there is no way I can look white but to just help me feel better about myself she dyes her hair different colors and she said after she dyes her hair she feels refreshed and able to do anything she wants it give her confidence which is something I'm lacking right now. We were originally going to dye my hair blue but we just went for bleach blond. Well we did it and when my mom saw she freaked out on me and my sister. She told me I ruined my hair and blamed my sister for giving me the idea. We didnt think I needed permission to die my hair at 15 years old. AITA? ######

Response:
 NAH. I was adopted and, although I am the same race as my parents, I don’t look like them (they both have dark eyes and hair while I’m very fair)
When I was younger I dyed my hair a darker shade for the same reasons, I had heard “why don’t you look like your parents?” So many times I could scream! My parents (especially my dad) hates that I dyed my hair and it really upset him..
It upset him so much because I’m his daughter, he loves me, he thinks I’m beautiful and it hurt him to know that I wanted to change myself. You’re never gonna look like your parents and I’m never gonna look like mine BUT, as a parent myself, I can tell you that your parents think that your perfect. Your parents have watched you while you slept and thought you were the most precious thing, watch you in school plays and thought that you were the cutest on the stage! Your parents love you and it hurts that you don’t love yourself. ######


Prompt: So i went to a gynocologist for a pelvic exam and she asked if i had any anal sex and I told her that my boyfriend and I do it regularly. She told me that I need to stop because it’s not designed for that purpose and it can cause tearing. I told her that we know what we are doing and use lots of lube and don’t have any issues. Then she goes “You don’t have to do a painful sex act to please your boyfriend” I got irritated and replied “I enjoy it as much as he does and it’s really none of your business” , she didn’t reply and the whole visit was awkward from there on. I understand there’s risks but there’s risks with every sex act. did i go too far? I just felt like she was dragging it on and i didn’t know another way to reply. AITA? ######

Response:
 NAH. I want to echo everyone who said that if your gynecologist could tell you'd been having anal sex, then there was already damage. That tissue regenerates pretty easily, so for her to notice, you had to have been doing it a lot and/or unsafely.

You have a right to feel defensive, but part of the doctor's job is to provide resources for patients being abused or coerced into sex. Painful sex acts and coerced anal, especially for women, are on the rise because of how common they are in porn. In terms of the number of patients she's seen who do anal sex, she was more likely to be right than wrong in assuming that you only did it reluctantly. She just happened to miss the mark. ######


Prompt:
Last week my wife and I went through the drive through at the local coffee shop.

When we got to the window, the guy at the window said that the car in front of us paid for our coffee!

I was pleasantly surprised and my wife made a comment about us paying for the car behind us to keep the chain going.... Although there was really no indication that there was a chain.  Just the car in front.

I said, "naw, I'm good" and drove away.

My wife has been making fun of me since saying that was douchy of me to do and that I should have paid for the car behind us.

Am I the asshole here? ######

Response:
 NAH. I used to work at a drive through coffee place when I was in university and I genuinely hated when people started that pay for the person behind you chain.

 It makes people confused and then guilty more than happy. I also felt bad when a person later in the chain was just getting a coffee and they felt compelled to buy the much more expensive order behind them.  I was always like no don't pay for that!

IMO it would be much nicer to just give a small tip to the staff as they don't make much money ######


Prompt:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and we live together. He told me he made 90k, which is around what I make. We split most stuff evenly. Yesterday he said he had something to tell me and said that he actually makes 150k, and also has millions in inheritance.

Now that doesn’t in it of itself change how I feel about him and I would still split stuff equally. But the fact he hid something so big for 3 years? It made me pretty upset that he didn’t trust me even after moving in together. I told him this and he said I was overreacting and that it was just to protect himself. I didn’t talk to him today until dinner and he told me again that I’m overreacting and that it’s not a big deal.

AITA? ######

Response:
 NAH. I understand why you're upset - being lied to by someone you love, even if it's for a good reason, feels bad.

But his actions make total sense. When you first met, YOU knew you were trustworthy - but he didn't. I'm sure you can understand why he chose to keep the fact he is very wealthy a secret from you in the beginning.

And it's not like you found out by accident - he actively decided that he *does* trust you now and chose to tell you.  Sure, maybe he should have told you sooner in an ideal world, but he trusts you now and is telling you now. ######


Prompt: So the wife and I have four rowdy boys and are pregnant with a little girl. Due to current events my wife was let go from her job. Now normally this wouldn't be an issue as we could've lived off my income alone. However, our little princess made that not possible. So in addition to my business, I've picked up some freelance work to replace my wife's income. Since my business is essentially a cash machine I did most of the babysitting but now that I'm freelancing my wife has to do it. I scheduled my gigs so that I start around four am and I'm home by one in the afternoon. This way my wife only has to watch the boys by herself for like five hours. I go out for gigs about three times a week. My normal routine when I get home is I take a shower to say hi to the wife and kids and take a two hour nap. After I wake up I become a doting husband and equal participant in the parenting. After I got up from my nap today she asked if I needed to take a nap every time I get back and that the kids are overwhelming her. I told her I appreciate everything she's been doing but this hasn't been easy on me either. I also reminded her that when I go to work there's seven I hours were I'm working and her and the boys are sleep and without the naps I'd only be operating on like five hours of sleep. I told her that I felt that after we factor in everything that our time and effort we both put into the prosperity of our family is equal. We're going to discuss this more tomorrow. I just want to know if I'm being reasonable. I felt like since she's only babysitting by herself for five hours and I have to get up so early, me taking a nap when I get home would be NBD but my wife is acting like I'm an AH. AITA? ######

Response:
 NAH. I understand it's such a shitty situation. Your working a lot so you need your sleep, but you also have to be a decent partner to your wife and a decent parent to your kids. Anyone would find being a 'stay at home' parent to 4 kids exhausting as well. So you're both doing some hard grafting right now. She's also pregnant which is exhausting on it's own.

It sounds like your wife is drowning though if she can't manage 5 hours on her own and it's only going to get worse after giving birth. Having a newborn is rough without 4 high energy kids to look after aswell. I am worried about how you're both going to cope. Especially  with your wife, she's more likely to get PPD if she already feels overwhelmed.

This problem is only going to bigger as time goes on. So you need to talk and work out a compromise that works for both of you. Because you're both heading to resentment town. You need to start making a plan right now as it is clear that your wife is not coping with the size of your brood.

Who watched the kids while you were both working? Perhaps they'd be comfortable watching the kids for a few hours while you both have a break. Can babysitting money be factored into the budget? I'd suggest getting your wife help like a nanny or someone to take care of chores, but that is a very expensive option that I reckon is not on the table.

I also suggest making long term birth control a priority after she gives birth. Whether that is a vasectomy or something like a coil/implant etc.

Also, I'm not going to vote YTA because you used the term 'babysitting' but it is a really shitty term to use when they are your kids. You're not babysitting, you're parenting. It doesn't help people to take fathers as seriously as they do for mothers.

Your wife needs help though. So you need to make that a priority right now. She needs some time for herself without the kids. So you need to factor that time into your schedule.

What time do you go to sleep? Is there any chance of going to sleep earlier? How many hours do you sleep? Do you snore? (If you snore, you might have sleep apnea which would mean you're getting poor quality sleep). Do you have a sleep routine?  If you're getting 8 hours a night, then napping for 2 hours daily, I would understand why she is getting pissed. If you slept 4 at night, plus 2 hours, then it's more reasonable because very little people can thrive on 4 hours sleep. Do you stay up all hours of the night when you could be sleeping? I would understand the frustration there too if that was the case.

I just think it's a shitty situation from all angles. But you do have to start coming up with a plan because this can't continue.  I don't think YTA for needing a nap if you get little sleep at night nor do I think she's TA for asking you to skip that nap so you can help her instead. Voting ESH would mean I think the wife is also the TA, which I think she isn't.  So NAH. You both have needs right now, you need to work out how you can fulfil both of them right now. ######


Prompt: My wife has wanted a vegetable garden in our backyard. Now that it's starting to warm up I thought I would try to tackle something this weekend. I did some research online, looked up some designs, and tried to show my wife to get her input. She would only give me short answers and told me just to make something nice and show her when I had a plan. I mapped out our backyard and did some measurements, started planting some flags so she had a frame of reference, and called her out to the backyard to talk to her. The entire time I was trying to show her the design and get her opinions she was either on her phone, playing with our dog, playing with our kids, or just being randomly inattentive ("oh I like the flowers the neighbors planted"). I got fed up and asked her if she wanted a garden or not. She said yes, what I have is fine (she didnt look) and went inside. This morning I went to the store and bought about $200 in tools and supplies (not even building materials to start yet) and when I get home she asks me why I spent so much. I told her I needed the stuff we had and asked her how much she thought we would spend. She told me no more than $500 and I told her that's extremely unrealistic (it's a 15x15 foot garden with fencing surrounding it, gravel paths, and above ground planter boxes). I told her we could have figured this out before I spent $200 if she hadn't blown me off. She told me she didn't and I told her I'm just going to cancel the project and not do it. Am I an asshole here? ######

Response:
 NAH. I think your timing is off. You have the bandwidth to do it so you leapt in.  She does not have the bandwidth to do it. Most "essential workers" I know have no bandwidth whatsoever left over right now. They're exhausted and demoralized.

As someone with a husband who leaps into action once he's finally got the bee in his bonnet, I have sympathy for both of you. I find my husband's version of leaping into action very overwhelming. every minute of every day is about some aspect of the project that I do not care about. Cedar or redwood? I don't care. Boxes 18 in or 24 in high? I don't care. Now lets have a long discussion of Simpson ties! No thank you. 48 hours into the project and I regret ever having mentioned it to him, and he feels devalued and take it for granted. ######


Prompt:
My daughter (30F) currently lives with me (54F) just for the lockdown period so that we weren't isolated entirely alone. She announced to me a few days ago that she's been dating a woman online and plans to meet up with her and keep dating after lockdown is done. To be honest, I'd suspected that she was seeing someone because she had recently begun talking about a new 'friend' almost every day, and I've heard her using Skype a lot. I didn't know that it was a woman, though. She has only dated men up to this point. In retrospect, I can't say that I'm very surprised. Nearly every single one of my daughter's friends are gay and I've always told her that people's sexuality literally doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't affect how I view anyone, I just don't consider it at all. It's none of my business as far as I'm concerned.

After she told me, my response was to ask about her name and what she did for a living and try and show some interest in her, and that was it. Then she changed the subject. I thought I was helping by not making a big deal of it, but for the past few days she's been very quiet with me and has barely made eye contact with me. Did I somehow act like a huge asshole in how I responded? Should I have made a bigger deal of her coming out to me? ######

Response: NAH. I think you responded well! Those are normal things parents should ask their kids about potential partners. But that said, your daughter may feel like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if there is no other shoe. If I were you, I'd just directly let her know that you love her for who she is, and accept her completely. No need to make a big deal, but addressing it head on will clear up any uncertainty. ######


Prompt:
So you guys were a massive help with my last post so I figured I'll ask for help again.

So my husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years now, I know it's not that long. We have an adorable 4 month old girl. She obviously requires lots of care and attention. Since she was 2 months old my husband wanted her to be moved to get room to sleep because then she wouldn't wake him up. He used to have to get up at 6 every morning but because of coronavirus he doesn't have to get up till 7.

I was ok with moving her she didn't like her bassinet but loves her bed I'm very grateful. We got a baby monitor so I could hear her. Like all babies she doesn't sleep all through the night, every time she cries I go in and rock her back to sleep after seeing to her need.

Last night she was up a lot and I guess after i got her back to sleep at 3 she woke up again at 6, i didn't hear her because apparently I was out cold. The baby monitor sites right next to my head so it's kind of impossible for me not to hear but I never heard her.

This morning I found the baby monitor off and asked my husband why.

H: "Because it wasn't doing it's job ago I just turned it off."

M: "What does that mean?"

H: "Well I had to get up and take care of the baby cause you didn't wake up to it. I don't understand I mean I know im supposed to help weekends but I thought you would take care of her during the week so I can sleep I need the sleep."

I didn't respond after that but now he leaves the house in like 6 minutes and he laid cause cause he 'needs more shut eye' and I feel awful cause I know he'll be tired. He's a maintenance guy by the way. Reddit help I feel like an asshole AITA? ######

Response:
 NAH. I think most of the votes will be N T A, but this is precisely the kind of conflict that needs cooperation, not blame.

You're both new parents, you're both exhausted, and it sounds like you made an agreement to get up for the baby during the week while your husband's the sole breadwinner, and he'll get up on weekends, which *in theory* was a great plan.

*In practice,* however, you're both tired humans, not robots programmed to function a certain way at all times, and looking after a new baby is pretty demanding. Explain that to your husband. You both need to be especially patient with each other at the moment. ######


Prompt:
My (25F) fiancé (26M) and I have been together since our junior year of college. He was always such an insanely hard worker who was very goal oriented. Back then he’d spend pretty much all of his time chasing his career goals.

He was successful in landing his dream job which is a combination of high pay and very high hours (70-100hours per week). It was his dream for so long.

Now that we are going to get married, he wants to quit and do something more “mundane” that is just a standard 9-5 job. He says it’s because he wants to spend a lot more time with me, which obviously I understand, but he also used to tell me how his current job was his absolute dream job since middle school. I remember vividly how hard we worked to get where he is, and I don’t want him to have to give up his dreams for me.

Because of that, I’ve told him how I don’t want him to leave, and he is getting a little upset about it now. It’s really not at all about the money for me. It’s 100% because I don’t want him to leave his dream job he worked so hard for.

AITA for tell him him he should stay? ######

Response: NAH. I think it’s obvious his “dream” in life switched from being his at his job to being with you at some point in the last 5 years. ######


Prompt:
I'm a 42 year old gay man, married to my wonderful partner of 11  years.

When I was in college, I was a sperm donor. I didn't really think of it much - I was young, healthy, they paid me.

Recently I got a message request from this girl on Facebook. (I guess you can see where this is going). She claims to be one of the children fathered by my sperm, and apparently she's also in contact with another boy (raised by another family) who has my DNA.

I honestly don't even how they would have traced me,  but I looked through some of her FB post - this seems to be a real person, not a spam account.

So it seems they want to meet. I told her that I find all of this weird and I need to think aboout it.

I'm really...creeped out by this. starting by them looking for me. She seems like a nice enough kid,  but to be honest I just nutted in a container and got cash. I knew on a rational level that kids would be created by it, but in no way did (or do) I actually consider myself a dad. Or anything remotely in that area.

I feel like meeting them would be very awkward (and God, what if there's more?) and I don't really feel the desire to.

I always presumed that this would be for people with fertility issues and that those are the "real" parents. I never thought there would be people tracking me down 20+ years later.

WIBTA if I just message that I don't really want to meet? ######

Response: NAH. I mean, I understand that these kids want to meet their biological father, but I also completely understand that you don't want to meet them. You're a sperm donor (literally), not a dad. I'd say be honest. ######


Prompt:
My fiancé proposed to me with an heirloom engagement ring that belonged to his great grandmother and has been passed down from generation to generation. It’s art deco style with a large, multiple carat diamond in the center and many smaller ones surrounding it and in the band. I love the ring’s history and the things it symbolizes, but I personally find it gaudy and impractical to wear because of its size.

I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of wearing something so expensive and important every day, aside from the fact that I don’t really like how it looks. But at the same time I felt like it’s kind of wrong not to wear an engagement ring when I’m engaged, like how it feels kind of wrong when a married guy doesn’t wear his wedding ring on a regular basis. So I asked my fiancé if he could get me another ring, a simpler one. I told him that he doesn’t need to follow the three months salary ‘rule’ or anything like that. All I would like is a ring with a small solitaire stone that I can wear everyday as a symbol of our engagement.

My fiancé seemed disappointed at my request and said that I should try to wear the ring for a few weeks first because it might grow on me. When I told him that I’m worried about the risk that I would lose it someway, he said that if I take care of it, I won’t lose it. I don’t agree with the things he said and I think it’s not fair that I’m expected to just endure my discomfort about my own engagement ring for the sake of pleasing people who are not the ones who have to wear the ring. At this point I kind of just want to buy myself an ‘everyday’ ring that I can wear as a symbol of my engagement.

AITA? ######

Response:
 NAH. I know someone who lost their heirloom ring, they were absolutely devastated. It's very commendable of you to not see the ring as a status symbol and instead value it so much that you worry about losing it. I also see your husband's point that he thinks wearing the ring is an important gesture to him.

>he said that if I take care of it, I won’t lose it.

And with this attitude, he would be of the opinion that if you lose it, you weren't taking care of it.

You need to sit down with your husband and explain that:

* You do not see the ring's worth as something you're comfortable with -- YET. This might change over time. He needs to respect that.
* You do not want to lose rings, he probably does not normally wear rings so he might not realize PEOPLE LOSE THEM ALL THE TIME. You should be able to dig up 10 articles where people lose their rings easily. I'm reminded of a farmer who re-found a ring that he lost 20 years ago in a carrot patch when a carrot grew inside of it.
* Not wanting to wear the ring every day is NOT a sign of disrespect to the ring or him or your marriage, it's a sign that you respect him, the family and the ring enough that you don't have to wear it as a status symbol. That HE should not consider wearing you and you wearing the ring as a status symbol, either.
* It's not out of the ordinary to wear a hereditary ring in for instance a chain around your neck, or only on special occasions *(weddings, parties, etc)* -- again, special ring, special occasions.

You should get each other matching simple rings, for instance silver or white gold, in fact why not suggest that to be your yearly anniversary gift, it's relatively inexpensive and it's something he'll never forget. That's a good wedding gift to a husband!

Anyway, this is a communication issue which you should be practicing anyway --  you should both focus on trying to see the other person's point of view and then figuring out what you want to DO as a couple.

Good luck! You can do this! ######


Prompt: I (24M) have an 8 month old daughter with my fiancé (24F). Our daughter has been constipated for the last 3 days. After a lot of juice and prunes today she had an explosive bowel movement. I was napping (I work 2 jobs while my fiancé is a STAHM/Student about to graduate) when my fiancé woke me up requesting help. No problem! I helped clean up and get them through it. After it was over my fiancé asked me why I wasn’t talking much. I replied I was just annoyed with the whole situation (poop went everywhere out of the diaper). My fiancé immediately went off her hinges saying she just needed my help and next time she won’t even wake me up. I’m confused. I never once blamed her or the baby I just explicitly said it was the situation that annoyed me. I’ve never met anyone over joyed by cleaning up poop everywhere. AITA? ######

Response: NAH. I have a 3 year old and I understand how much poop sucks. Not justifying her freak out but she’s probably stressed. Babies are stressful in general and an incident like that doesn’t make it easier. I remember quite a few times when a poop or puke blowout would make me anxious or cry. ######


Prompt:
To be honest I don't know if I would ever have the heart to tell him this. I also wonder if it's even my place.

He has never gotten an A in any class other than electives. I rarely saw him do honework. The one time i did it was extremely surprising  He ended high school with a 2.5 gpa. He told me college would be different because he knows it really determines his future. At the end of freshman year his gpa was a 1.8. he said it was like this because he took too many credits(21 or 18 I can't remember)  because his adviser didn't explain how most people take 12-15. He failed is anatomy 1 class. He says it was because his professor was a really hard one and he didn't study as much as he should have. He re took the class, this time saying he was gonna try his hardest.  He said he would spend hours studying and he got a D+.   Anatomy isn't even the hardest pre requisite class. There's still organic chemistry, physics, biochem, ect. It's junior year now and his gpa is a 2.3. lStrictly objectively speaking, I cant see him succeeding in med school, if he can barely make it through the pre reqs. And that's even if he can pull his grades up enough to get in. He plans on getting a post bacc, basically a degree where all you do is take med school pre reqs to bring up your gpa. This is a lot of money though and takes about 2 years. I'm not sure if I would be in the wrong if I told him what I think. ######

Response:
 NAH. I get your brother’s perspective, because I’ve been there. He really wants to be a doctor and has apparently sticked that route through college despite his poor GPA. The poor GPA should have been a hint, though.

From the bit of information you’ve given it seems like he’s really not cut out to be a premed student. And that’s okay! Not everyone can be a doctor and not everyone should. It seems like he’s good at other things though - his electives. I would tell him sooner rather than later so he has a chance to take non-premed classes to spread his wings.

Not to mention, post-baccs are expensive and there’s no financial aid other than loans (I think). As long as you’re not telling him in a soul crushing way or stomping on his heart I don’t think you’re TA. ######


Prompt: Don't be scared by the title, I'll explain. (I'm a bit new to reddit, sorry if I don't do everything like I should !) So, a few hours ago, my mother took a picture of me. Seems harmless right ? I was dressed, in a normal position, nothing wrong with the picture itself I guess. But here's the twisted part : She took it without asking, to send it to her cousin (A nice woman, but I still don't want her to receive a random photo of me). I asked her to delete it, I dislike having pictures taken of me in general. She didn't delete it, and started getting mad because I was angry at her and talking a bit roughly. My father supported her. It didn't seem weird to them to do something like that. It's actually not the first time she does something like that. Did I overreact? AITA for getting mad at them ? ######

Response: NAH. I get that you don't like pictures, but you really need to dial it back. Your mom snapping a picture for memories and sharing it with family is not a big deal. ######


Prompt: My wife’s best friend died in a tragic accident at 12 years old. She still celebrates her birthday every year and I know she was important to her, of course. I absolutely empathize with that, and I hate seeing my wife still go through that pain of losing a childhood best friend when she was just a child herself. And it’s not the I hate the name itself, the name is alright. It just feels weird to me and feels like a bad omen, or bad luck. Not to say that the child herself was bad luck or anything, that probably sounds awful, but her death was very bad unfortunate luck. I also don’t really want something like that attached to my daughter. I don’t want my wife to attach her friend to our daughter in that kind of way, I’d rather her just have her own name, without the presence of someone else. ######

Response: NAH. I can see both sides, but I reckon when deciding what to name your child both parents ought to have veto powers pretty much regardless of the reason. ######


Prompt:
AITA

A quick preface all of this is said with no vocal escalation unless otherwise indicated and my wife does know I have very high functioning aspergers we have been together since 2014 and were married in 2015. Also we both are on good terms with her mom. Her mom is 78.

Okay so tonight my wife tells me her mum has cancer, it is not terminal. So I say we need make time to go down Her response is we cannot go once she has started treatment. I ask has her mom started treatment She says no her mom hasn’t So I say I may say this wrong but we really need to try to go before your mom starts then. Then she responds this is why I didn’t tell you. So I say sry nicely and that I know I stuck my foot in my mouth some how. After that I come back a minute later or so and ask her to please tell me what I did wrong so I can learn from it in the future. She refuses So I say look I am asking because the aspergers and I genuinely don’t want to get it wrong again. To which she responds this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I finally say okay I just want you to be able to tell me things. To which she says I just needed time to process it. At which point she is upset visibly so I say sry again I leave you be At this point I apologize briefly and go hop in the shower. This is where you lot come in as I am upset that she didn’t feel she could tell me and even more concerned and confused as to what I did wrong. But rather than get a thousand opinions I simply ask Am I the asshole. ######

Response: NAH. I believe what she expected was some sort of "OMG that is awfull, how you feeling, what can i do to help you" followed by a hug. She wanted emotional support not for you to try to solve the issue. You just jumped to sensible rational plans when she wanted a shoulder to cry on. You more than likely missed all the non-verbal cues showing she was emotionally upsed about it. She is thinking about the fact that her mother may end up dying. You jumping right to: we need to go an see her (because that is the logical think to do because she may die) was like saying to her: i guess we need to start a funeral emergency fund (I know that is kind of an hyperbole, both that how that would had feel like if you ignore the fact that what she needed was for you to acknowledge her feelings) ######


Prompt:
My (17F) sister (21F) had a baby almost 3months ago, she started work only 4 weeks after giving birth, her partner had broken up with her a few days before giving birth so she had to move back in with my parents.

The whole situation has been very difficult for her and she's very sad lately, so all the family has chipped in to help her with the baby so she can have a break (I've been helping by buying baby stuff where I can and doing errands for her)

She's been picking up more hours at work and when she isn't working she's sleeping.

My dad works from home and I work at a shop, my mother stays at home and helps look after my sisters baby and my sister.

It was my day off yesterday and my sister was at work, so my mother was babysitting, she was making lunch for me and my sister (10F) when baby started crying.

She yelled out for me to get baby, I told her I was busy (I was helping my sister with her work)  and since it was my day off I didn't want to deal with baby.

My dad called me a "selfish asshole" when he found out I refused to help with the baby, since apparently I live here rent free I'm obligated to help.

It was my day off after working hours on my feet all day after being screamed at by horrible customers.

AITA? ######

Response: NAH. I almost said everyone's the asshole here but I feel bad for everyone in this situation. Obviously you didn't choose to be a live in babysitter, so I understand that you feel like your down time is being intruded on and your parents are being unfair. I also understand your sister being sad and exhausted and needing the help. And I also understand that your parents who were probably not expecting to be parenting a baby again (I mean, a 10 year old and 17 year old are enough of a handful) and your dad probably yelled at you because he was stressed out and vented in a slightly inappropriate way. Of course, there's no excuse for calling you an asshole- that's not something that a parent should say to a child. I'd wait a bit for things to calm down from this incident, and call a family meeting or talk to your sis and parents individually, and try to set up some boundaries. For ex, you have already said you're contributing to the little one financially out of your own volition. Maybe you can be clear that you were expecting that to be the extend of your involvement. Who knows? It's not so long since your sister was 17 and she might be more sympathetic than your parents and help out with the boundary setting. Try to stay in a place of compassion if you can and understand that everyone here has been blindsided with conditions that they weren't expecting to be dealing with. And ask that your involvement be regulated and that limits be set up, because even if you care about your family (and it seems like you do) that doesn't mean you need to drop everything all the time just because they need it. ######


Prompt:
My fiancee and I are scheduled to get married next month, but for obvious reasons that's all in question right now. My state has started the process of reopening, but everything is still up in the air as to when restrictions will be fully lifted.

Now to the problem. We picked a date that has major personal significance to us. It won't occur on a weekend again for another 5 years. So we have a choice to make: give up our date or put off the wedding for another 5 years. Neither of us is keen about either of those options.

I've recently been thinking about option 3: go through with the wedding as planned, just with some changes. Weddings are still allowed to be performed as long as the only people there are the officiant, the couple, and the parents or witnesses. WIBTA if I kept my date but uninvited everyone other than our parents? I've thought about maybe setting up a live stream for everyone else and just having the reception once everything calms down. I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions about this whole mess and just need some objectivity. ######

Response: NAH. Honestly that plan is solid. Setting up the livestream for people who can be there in person to watch is a great idea. Having the reception once it’s safe to gather again is a perfectly fine idea. Anyone who would be upset with the kind of arrangement you’re considering during this crazy uncertain time is probably not someone you should want to have around anyway. Good luck! ######


Prompt:
So here's the thing- I've been dating this girl for only a few months. I was going to get her a kayak for her birthday. Word got out that I was going to get her a kayak, so it kind of got ruined. She likes the idea of it though so that's still cool. I'm thinking about just switching it up and getting her something completely different now but I still want to get her a kayak regardless so we can go use them together.

Now here's where it gets a little fucked up- my kayak is really nice and it's in good shape- but I always wanted one more designed for fishing- rod holders and whatnot. More storage. I was thinking about getting myself a new kayak and letting her use my old one - and have it not have anything to do with her Birthday- just get her something completely different and she STILL gets a kayak.

I also added that we've only been together a short time because this is the first birthday we're going to be together for and I think maybe getting her something a little more personal or romantic than a kayak might be a better idea anyway.

So let's hear it.. how much of an asshole am I?? ######

Response:
 NAH. Honestly just get her something different. It's only been a few months, what's with the big ticket items anyways? Figure out her love language, fill that to the brim on the day and get her a different gift. A couple months later get yourself the kayak and give her the old one. Bonus points if you paint it differently so it's more hers.

Edit: if you think this is her humor get her an adorable little model kayak on top of the gift

Edit 2: NTA to NAH ######


Prompt:
First and foremost I love this child with my whole heart, just like I do with all my nieces and nephews.

Like most kids, my nephew is stuck at home right now and going to school online, so I imagine he has a lot of extra time on his hands. My fiance and I on the other hand are essential employees and still work outside the home. Recently we got Facebook messenger requests from our three oldest nephews and niece, asking to connect (apparently there is a feature called messenger kids that allows children to connect with family members using their parents account.)

The problem is that Nephew A (7) is WILD about this feature and has been messaging us quite a lot. And because he's a kid, he'll continue doing this until he gets bored. I've been at work and by the time I check my phone I have 17 missed video calls, 36 stickers, clips of him playing with Snapchat (Facebook?) Filters, and little videos of him asking why I'm not picking up my phone. We get this when we're at home too, but we don't have kids, it's just the two of us. So usually we're not "decent" for a video call when they come through (plus somehow they always seem to start when we're napping after long shifts or taking a shower.) My fiance can't help but answer the video calls or he'll be heart broken, I'll usually respond with a written message, like "sorry sweetheart I was at work, love you!" We wouldn't be opposed to setting specific times with his parents that he can call and video chat with us, we understand that he misses us and is probably worried, but it's becoming quite disruptive at work.

My fiance says he'll talk to his sister (Nephews mom)but hasn't done so yet (it's been a few days since I asked) and we're both worried about hurting his feelings. I'm wondering if I just blocked him if maybe he wouldn't understand and just think Facebook was broken or something? Would that make me the asshole? ######

Response: NAH. He’s just a little kid and wants to talk to you so he’s NTA, but you have work and can’t really deal with it so neither are you. His mom needs to talk to him about it ASAP.  I wouldn’t block him but I think Facebook has a thing where you can unfollow or mute people but still be friends? I would look into that this way he could see your still friends but you can still say your fb not working. I totally get what you mean by hurting his feelings and I wouldn’t want to do that either. But I think most of this falls on your fiancé and soon-to-be sister-in-law. But I’d say look into that muting thing. If you don’t want to lie to him you can always just mute him and say that you are too busy to reply this way the messages aren’t buggin you but also you don’t have to lie to him ######


Prompt:
We are both in our early 20s, together for 2 years and live together

His work schedule is a standard mon-Thursday 8-5. We usually go to bed at very reasonable hours and get good amounts of sleep.

He used to smoke weed in high school/college but stopped when he got a job that required drug testing. He recently got a new job that doesn’t test so he started smoking again.

I have nothing against smoking, but I do have an issue with how it’s changed our lives with each other. He will smoke as soon as he comes home from work, he’ll play some video games, we’ll eat dinner and then he falls asleep. For the past few weeks he’s been falling asleep between 7pm and 9:30pm. The other day he fell asleep right after dinner at 6:30.

The problem is, between dinner and bedtime was our time to hang out with each other. We would watch a movie or hang out or do naughty things. We haven’t done any of that lately because he’s sleeping so early.

The next morning he will wake up groggy and drowsy because he’s sleeping so much. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he says that it’s not because of the weed and if he is sleeping early it’s because he needs it. I told him it’s not normal for him to get 12 hours of sleep and then be tired again at 7pm. Also this didn’t start until he started smoking again.

Now he thinks I’m mad about the weed and I’m sincerely not I just hate the fact that we don’t get any time together anymore and I’m getting very frustrated. AITA for being mad about this? ######

Response: NAH. He's tired and wants to sleep. You miss spending time together. Have you maybe looked at other underlying issues? Depression, for example, can make a person feel excessively fatigued. When I'm in an episode, I can sleep 14 hours straight, wake for an hour or two, and feel so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep more. ######


Prompt:
My [F26] boyfriend [M28] and I have been together for 5 years now and moved in with each other last summer. My parents are divorced as are other family members, and I just don't like the whole idea of feeling trapped in a marriage.

Boyfriend (who I will refer to as Brody) knew how I felt since when we first began dating I acknowledged flat out I wasn't interested in getting married. Brody seemed good with this, and the conversation never came up again.

Not once has he brought the idea up in all the years we have been together. At least, not until very recently when a box came in the mail.

Brody had been acting kind of weird and secretive with the box so I asked what was wrong, and that was when he took out its contents and popped the question.

I was really shocked because he hadn't ever addressed wanting to do this, and I feel it's something that should have been discussed.

I politely turned him down because I don't see marriage as very important or necessary, and he got upset and we aren't speaking much.

AITA for rejecting him? ######

Response:
 NAH. He's an idiot, but not an asshole.

I'm curious: Did you say "no" immediately, or did you take some time to consider what would happen next? ######


Prompt: We have been dating for a year and he was showing me old photos from years ago, then photos of him and his ex came up. I said he should probably delete those now considering how serious we are, but then he snapped back saying they are memories and when he gets older he wants to have them to reminisce. AITA for wanting him to delete the photos off the phone or am I being immature for being mad that he wants to keep them? I personally always delete photos of my exs when I’m in a new relationship, but he is calling me crazy for saying he should delete them. ######

Response: NAH. He should probably save them somewhere not on his phone if he wants them years later. He probably shouldn't snap at you for such a silly reason. Personally, I don't permanently delete any pictures. They all go on 2 different hard drives. ######


Prompt:
I am battling breast cancer for the second time in my life (no need for sympathy, I’m going to be fine! We caught it early enough that it’s not too life threatening!) My hair started falling out earlier this week, three weeks after starting chemo.

On Thursday night, after our kids (6 and 2) fell asleep, me, my husband, and my 21 year old sister who is visiting went into the bathroom and my husband shaved my head for me, completely smooth. It was really liberating and fun, my sister even mentioned she might shave her head as well in solidarity.

That night, my husband and I cuddled and made love and he rubbed my newly bald head the whole time and it felt really nice and put me to sleep. The next day, pretty much every opportunity he got he touched or rubbed my head. I will admit, it feels really nice and I love to feel it too.

Now here comes the issue. I felt like it was a problem today when we were backing out of our garage and normally he will put his hand on the back of the passenger seat but instead but it on the back of my head. We were standing in line at Lowe’s and he kept touching and kissing it. I don’t care what people think of my bald head in public but I felt like he was just drawing more attention to us.

I want to confront him but at the same time I don’t want to, he was been the best husband throughout my whole cancer journey and I don’t want to make him feel bad if he doesn’t know he is doing it or doing it subconsciously.

Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? Any advice would be helpful or any way to confront him as softly as possible. Thanks in advance ######

Response: NAH. He seems to really love you- my partner has Crohn’s disease and I very often rub her belly or touch it. Sometimes it’s tender or she doesn’t want the touch but I have to understand that. If your husband is anything like me, he’s trying to protect you from the disease in his own way. ######


Prompt:
My (36M) daughter (17F) was born with tons of medical issues, including physical disabilities, malformations, mental handicaps, and the need for an ever growing list of medications.

It's started to get to the point where the combined incomes of me and my wife cannot manage the expenses with it, as they total to more than what we spend on rent, close to $1500 a month.

So we're considering putting her in a home that can care for her more easily and hopefully affordably, but there's a hitch. My work health insurance - my wife doesn't have *any* health insurance - is crap and only covers a couple specific facilities, both of which are very obviously geared towards taking care of people in their 70s and older, not a teenager or young adult.

Just keeping her at home could soon mean we end up losing our home, or having to skip rounds of medicine for her, so I feel like I've got no other option. ######

Response: NAH. Have you looked into any group home facilities meant specifically for people with disabilities like the ones your daughter has? Because they exist. And depending on where you live, they are often covered by Medicare. ######


Prompt:
Using my throwaway, as a coworker knows my main.

My fiancée died in an accident a few months ago and I haven’t told my coworkers. I was off that week for unrelated reasons. I panicked and said our friend died and my fiancée’s leg got wrecked when  asked why I looked upset. In reality, what happened was the opposite. Our friend lived because my fiancée pulled them out of a burning vehicle while bleeding out. I still refer to him in present tense out of habit, and how despite everything I keep expecting him to burst in with a smile on his face. Admitting this to the people I’ve worked with for so long will somehow make this real, and I can’t handle that right now.

I've been following up on my incorrect statement by not every fixing my story.

I feel horrible because I’m lying during any interaction mentioning him during work. My coworkers are very nice, and only a few of them ever met him. I am on very good terms with all of them. A friend of mine there had jokingly asked when she’d finally meet my elusive fiancée, and I responded with a vague someday. It's probably going to come out at some point, most likely when I slip up. I can see why they'd be pissed that I've been avoiding/lying about this.

First time posting in this sub, just let me know if I need to move it elsewhere/did something wrong. ######

Response:
 NAH. Grief stretches itself out in strange shapes.

I understand why you’re worried about this, however. Whether they think poorly of you or not, your coworkers are going to be surprised and concerned about how long this fabrication has been going on. Depending on the size of your company, I would strongly encourage you to seek out a HR person and speak to them about the troubles you’re experiencing and ask them to recommend a company counselor or course of action to help you move forward. ######


Prompt:
I graduated before my boyfriend so I've been working for 4 months drawing a decent salary while my boyfriend is finishing up his final semester in uni. We started discussing about our next chapter in life, including marriage and finances plans.
We both plan to pool a fixed amount of our income together into a joint account after marriage, which will further spilt into sub categories such as household expenses, vacation fund, kids' education fund, etc.
Now this is where the difference comes in. The money that I have left after contributing the fixed amount into the joint account and after savings, I wanted to keep the remaining as a personal expandables that I can spend on fun things that I like, for myself. My boyfriend however wanted to pool both of our expendables together, which will fund either of our 'splurge'. That essentially means I have to go through him whenever I want to splurge on myself.
It's fine if we're both frugal or equal spenders. I'm however a spender while he's frugal. I believe in treating myself for the little happiness in life, within my means, to motivate myself for work and for life. He however believes in minimizing spending and transferring the max amount he can from the expandable fund into savings at the end of every month.
If we were to pool our expandables, that is essentially pooling 100% of our income together. He views keeping our own personal money as 'drawing too thick a line' and it isn't couple-like. He wants to view us as one entity. I however foresee future problems and arguments arising from pooling 100% of our money together, due to income inequality and differences in spending habits, which can be avoided if we were to have the joint account and personal money separated.
AITA for not wanting to pool our personal expandables fund and 100% of our income together? ######

Response:
 NAH. Finances are something every couple just has to figure out for their own situation, and there is no “one size fits all” plan that all couples can make work.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to spend the excess you make, and nothing wrong with him wanting to save his- unless someone starts resenting the other. You keeping yours separate means he can’t start resenting that you’re spending too much of what he contributed, and you won’t resent saving more than you’d like to spend. Seems like this is a pretty good compromise for now. Things will change and you’ll adapt as you go on, as you find what works and what doesn’t. Nothing is set in stone!

My husband and I pool ours, with a specific account and set amount for saving. We also both have separate spending accounts, initially so we can buy each other gifts without the other knowing every detail... but it also turns out my hobbies are more expensive than his, so I only use my separate account for my hobby, so I don’t end up spending what he’s trying to save. :) That works for us, but may not work for others.

No ah’s here at all, just two people communicating, working out future planning and willing to listen to each other. You’ve got this! ######


Prompt:
I (34f) met my husband while I was doing an exchange semester in Australia when I was 20. We later got married and I moved to Australia permanently. We have two kids 6f and 4f and I'm 4 months pregnant.

My husband passed away 3 months ago. It was and still is horrible. With my husband not being here anymore I want to move back to my home country. I think it will be good for my kids because the education system over there is heaps better but the main reason is that I need my family. My 4 year old doesn't really have an opinion on it, my 6 year old is excited because my parents have horses.

Here in Australia, my husband's parents look after our kids Monday to Friday as my husband and I both had full time jobs. So, obviously they are close. Mil and FIL are very attached to the kids and love being grandparents.

Last weekend I broke the news to them. I didn't expect them to be happy but I was hoping they'd understand. They didn't. It was ugly. They asked me how dare I taking away their grandchildren after they lost their only son. They said my husband would be disappointed and he'd want his children to grow up in Australia. I had to leave because I couldn't handle the situation.

I feel guilty because my husband did want to stay in Australia but mainly because that's where we settled. I don't think he'd be disappointed. I think he'd understand. But I feel so guilty but also angry? I feel like it was cruel of mil and FIL to say what they said.

I plan to come back to Australia regularly because I don't want to deprive my children of their heritage and it has become my home over the years.

Basically, is it wrong to move back home? ######

Response:
 NAH. Everyone is grieving right now, and all of you have valid emotions. They lost their son and now they're losing their grandchildren. You lost your husband and now you're alone in a foreign land.

Family therapy is definitely needed here, but I dont think anyone is TA. ######


Prompt:
So the other day I had some friends over and my half brother stopped by (by surprise) and brought me a cake because my birthday was a while ago but I don’t really celebrate it. I introduced them and later after they left he complained why I always tell people he’s my half brother (and not brother)  and I said that’s because he is.

Then he complained why they never even heard of me before and I said it’s because it never came up. Idk why he was so angry but he ended up leaving ######

Response: NAH. Every half/step sibling dynamic is different dependent upon whether you grew up in the same household, age difference and other factors. The problem is that you and your brother are not seeing eye-to-eye on this dynamic, but nobody's TA for it. If it bothers you to call him your "brother" without further explanation, try to figure out the reasons why and explain them to him. If it doesn't bother you but is just force of habit, then try to change your habit since it's obviously something that means a lot to him (and he did bring you cake). ######


Prompt:
Now, don't get me wrong, if this was a normal pregnancy during a normal time I'd want his in 100% but...

I'm giving birth to triplets in about three to four weeks. It's a very high-risk pregnancy. I plan on having a C-section and getting induced if the baby doesn't come in 3 weeks.

The doctor told us that with all the complications, it would be good if I didn't have many people in the room. My husband was on the call when he said that and assumed it meant it would be just me and him. After the call, I explained that with all the complications I wanted it to be just me. This was yesterday and he has locked himself in his gaming room and hasn't left. I am bed bound, so I only got up a few times to ask him to come out.

AITA for wanting him to wait in the waiting room while I give birth? ######

Response:
 NAH. Even if it was a normal pregnancy, I think that if you don't want someone in the room for a birth they don't get to be in the room. But I also absolutely understand why it's upsetting to him. He's missing the birth of his children and he gets go sit out in the waiting room worrying about all these possible complications rather than being with you.

I don't entirely understand why you don't want him in the room though. Are you worried his presence will increase the chance of complications or stress you out or...? Just curious. ######


Prompt:
Background:

My husband’s (30m) Federal job has taken us first to Oklahoma for several months and now to California. I quit my job and became a stay at home mom to make the transitions easier since childcare is so expensive.

I also lost both my mom (50f) and my brother (17m) within 4 years of each other when I was 17 and 21 (I promise this is relevant).

Scenario:

In November my dad(63m) had a massive heart attack that required an emergency triple bypass and mitral valve replacement. My husband was able to take a week off from work and stay home with our daughter(2f) so I could fly back to TN to be there. The surgery went fairly well, but it was hugely stressful for me. The thought of being an orphan at 30 is heartbreaking. (Can you be an orphan if you’re an adult?) I flew back to California once he was stabilized and have been here since.

My husband’s job has a process where you can submit a request to relocate back home for medical emergencies. We qualify for this relocation and I’ve asked him to consider moving back to be closer to my dad. My husband is reluctant due to the difference in workload (The TN job would be busier and more work) and the logistics and cost of moving cross country.

Meanwhile, Dad has had 2 more surgeries to correct a persistent heart murmur and install a pacemaker. I continue to bring up this transfer and I continue to get a response about the logistics, cost, and workload differences.

So I lost my shit. I told him that I would resent him if we don’t have a real conversation about this transfer. I have sacrificed so much for this opportunity for him and I truly feel like our marriage will suffer if he won’t even consider it. I want our daughter to know her grandfather, I want to spend time with my dad while he’s relatively healthy.

AITA? I hate ultimatums, but I don’t know if I could forgive my husband if something happens to dad and I’m not there. ######

Response:
 NAH. Damn, this is so stressful and sad for everyone involved.  I don’t know if it’s even possible, but you both need to work together to come to a solution here. Career and family are typically the two most important things in people’s lives, and this essentially is a tear between both.

I’m so sorry for this and truly wish you the best of luck! ######