Despicable Me 2_2013

DESPICABLE ME 2
    by
    Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio Universal/ Illumination Entertainment 2230 Broadway Santa Monica, CA 90404 THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF ILLUMINATION ENTERTAINMENT AND IS INTENDED AND RESTRICTED SOLELY FOR ILLUMINATION PERSONNEL. DISTRIBUTION OR DISCLOSURE OF THIS MATERIAL TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONS IS PROHIBITED. THE SALE, DISPLAY, COPYING OF REPRODUCTION OF THIS MATERIAL FOR ANY REASON IN ANY FORM, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO DIGITAL OR NEW MEDIA, IS ALSO PROHIBITED. EXT: ARCTIC CIRCLE - DAY Snow and ice as far as the eye can see. What looks like a windowless MILITARY BASE surrounded by barbed wire fences sits in the middle of the wasteland. TITLE CARD: TOP SECRET RESEARCH LABORATORY. ARCTIC CIRCLE. At the GUARD GATE, two RUSSIAN GUARDS play poker using an overturned barrel as a table. Russian Guard 1 shows a five of diamonds... and four Aces. The other Guard folds. Russian Guard 1 LAUGHS and drags in the pile of coins. While he SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN and does a celebratory dance, the coins fly up into the air. Russian Guard 1 stops dancing and sees that the coins are gone. He accuses the other Guard of stealing them. Russian Guard 2 swears he didn't take them. Russian Guard 1 grabs a shovel and wields it menacingly, until it flies up into the air. They both look up to see where it's gone. Then the metal barrel they were using as a table flies up, knocking them over. Russian Guard 2 looks up to see a GIGANTIC MAGNET SHIP LOWERING DOWN FROM ABOVE AND HOVERING OVER THE LABORATORY. A watchtower guard shouts. A door below opens as a bunch of Guards run out and point their guns at the magnet ship. Then...WOOSH! All of their guns are pulled up towards the ship, including the guards themselves, who are strapped to their guns. A SNOWMOBILE lifts off the ground and flies up to the magnet. Other vehicles and small buildings begin to pull away from the ground. Then-- THE ENTIRE LAB STARTS TO GET PULLED UP OUT OF THE GROUND. CLANK! The lab makes contact with the ship. It flies up and down, shaking the scientists and guards off. They fall to the ground. The magnet ship flies away with their lab, vehicles, and weapons. The remaining guards and scientists are strewn across the snow with the remnants of the damaged base. We see a porta- potty door open. A Confused Guard is sitting on the can reading a newspaper, having missed the entire incident. He closes the door. MATCH CUT TO: INT: AVL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT SECURITY FOOTAGE of the research station named PX LABS being carried away by the magnet ship plays on the screens at AVL Headquarters. We see the back of several heads watching the footage. There's a heavy sigh.
    SILAS
    Three weeks and we're still no closer to cracking this?
    No response.
    SILAS
    Right... bring him in.
    LUCY (O.S.)
    Yes, sir.
    EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - DAY Gru steps toward camera, holding some sort of menacing gun, which he loads and cocks. He pulls the trigger, which shoots out an inflatable unicorn balloon. Smiling, he ties it to the windowsill next to some others. EXT: GRU'S BACKYARD - DAY A banner reads: "Happy Birthday Agnes!" and a massive backyard party is in full swing. The yard is decorated with pink balloons and streamers, and a BOUNCY HOUSE shaped like a castle. AGNES and several other LITTLE GIRLS slide down a slide. They are all dressed as princesses, but Agnes is dressed as a princess riding a unicorn.
    AGNES
    This is the best party EVER!!!
    Edith, dressed as a ninja, emerges from beneath a table and climbs across the monkey bars as a series of jousts, blades, and boxing gloves come up from the ground underneath her. She jumps down, narrowly avoiding a bear trap.
    EDITH
    Haha! Yeah!
    Two LITTLE GIRLS fish in a small kiddie pool. One of the girls pulls up a toy duck and then razzes the other girl, but then a LIVE PIRANHA jumps out and eats the toy duck. A BOY and a GIRL sword fight. The Boy does a bunch of fancy moves. The Girl waits for him to finish and then pounds him on the head with a club. Two kids in the background are on a see-saw made of bombs. Agnes runs into the middle of the yard and points offscreen.
    AGNES
    Oh no! A dragon is approaching!
    All of the kids turn and see KYLE dressed as a dragon. He GRUMBLES and then they SCREAM and huddle around Agnes. Then Margo enters wearing a SUIT OF ARMOR and wielding a SWORD.
    MARGO
    Fear not, for here come the gallant knights to save us!
    She gestures to a group of minions wearing tiny suits of armor and wielding various MEDIEVAL WEAPONS. The Kids CHEER as the minions charge toward Kyle. One accidentally hits another with his sword. A fight ensues in which they use the medieval weapons on each other. One minion pounds another with a MACE. One Minion wanders off from the fight with his helmet on backwards, wildly swinging his mace. Across the yard, Gru is busy grilling burgers and talking on the phone. Not happy.
    GRU
    No, no, no! What do you mean she's not coming?! I have a backyard full of these little girls who are counting on a visit from a fairy princess!
    The mace-swinging Minion walks by and accidently, repeatedly hits Gru with the mace in the shin.
    GRU
    Ah! Hurts! Ah! Stop it!
    Gru kicks the minion's helmet and chases him off with a spatula, sending him towards the party swinging his mace. Gru SIGHS and returns to the call.
    GRU
    Listen! I don't want a refund! I want a fairy princess... please! Please, I am begging you.
    (Resigned)
    You know what? I hope that you can sleep at night, you crusher of little girls' dreams!!!
    Gru hits the phone with his spatula and hangs up. Turns and sees Agnes standing there.
    AGNES
    Ooh ooh! When's the Fairy Princess coming?
    Gru stares down at Agnes' big excited eyes. He opens his mouth to tell her the truth, but can't do it.
    GRU
    Any minute now!
    Agnes squeals with excitement and runs off.
    AGNES
    Yayyy!
    Gru looks worried--what do I do now? He signals two minions.
    GRU
    Stall them.
    EXT: BACKYARD - LATER A hand-painted piece of cardboard reading "THE MAGIC SHOW" is placed on an easel. Agnes and all of the little kids sit in a semicircle on the grass. Two minions dressed as magicians are doing a magic act with Edith as their assistant. One minion blows up a balloon and puts it in Edith's mouth. Then the other whips out a CHAINSAW and fires it up, heading toward her. Margo sees this and quickly intervenes.
    MARGO
    Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, alright. That's enough of the magic show!
    The minions don't hide their disappointment.
    MINIONS
    Awwww.
    Margo suddenly looks around as if she just heard something.
    MARGO
    Wait, did you hear that? It sounded like the twinkling sounds of magical fairy dust.
    AGNES
    (gasps)
    It's the fairy princess! She's coming!
    Margo gasps and points up to the sky.
    MARGO
    Look!
    Edith spits out her magic balloon in horror and we follow it up to reveal-- Gru. Dressed in a PUFFY PINK DRESS, fairy wings, glittery eyelashes and tiara and magical wand. Up on top of Gru's house, the minions struggle to lower him down on a rope. Edith's balloon floats by and distracts them. They let go of the rope and Gru swings wildly, smashing into the wall of the house and crashing to the ground.
    GRU
    Aaaaaahh!
    He stands up and tries to cover. Agnes SIGHS HAPPILY, in awe of the fairy princess.
    GRU
    (in falsetto)
    It is I, Gru...zinkerbell! The most magical fairy princess of all! And I am here to wish Princess Agnes a very happy birthday!
    Gru sprinkles the girls with glitter and they continue to stare, frozen. Then a LITTLE GIRL raises her hand and speaks with a lisp.
    LITTLE GIRL
    How come you're tho fat?
    Gru grits his teeth, then forces a smile and speaks with a high-pitched, dreamy voice.
    GRU
    Because my house is made of candy and sometimes I eat instead of facing my problems.
    The girl starts to ask another question.
    LITTLE GIRL
    How come you have-
    Gru cuts her off with a puff of fairy dust to the face. She COUGHS.
    GRU
    Okay! Time for cake!
    As the kids run to the table, Agnes approaches Gru.
    AGNES
    Thank you, Gru-zinkerbell. You're the best fairy princess ever!
    Gru smiles.
    GRU
    (in falsetto)
    You are welcome, little girl.
    She runs off, but quickly returns.
    AGNES
    (whispers in his ear)
    I know it's really you, Gru. I'm just pretending for the other kids.
    She runs off again to join her friends. Gru watches her go. Couldn't be happier. Then he is approached by JILLIAN, a heavily-Botoxed mom.
    JILLIAN
    Hey there, Gru, Mr. Life of the Party!
    GRU
    (forcing a smile)
    Hello, Jillian.
    JILLIAN
    Sooooo, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but my friend Natalie is recently single, and...
    In the background, a homely NATALIE leans against a buffet table and seductively raises her eyebrows at Gru. The table collapses to the ground beneath her.
    GRU
    (realizes what's going on)
    No, no, no, get off of the limb right now. No limb.
    JILLIAN
    Oh, come on...she's a riot. She sings karaoke, she has a lot of free time, looks aren't that important to her...
    In the background, Natalie inadvertently walks in front of a bottle pitch game, is struck by a ball, and falls to the ground.
    GRU
    No, Jill's, that is not happening. Seriously. I'm fine.
    JILLIAN
    (calling after Gru)
    Okay, fine. Forget Natalie. How about my cousin Linda?
    Gru walks off, passing by Edith and Margo.
    GRU
    No.
    JILLIAN
    Oh, oh! I know someone whose husband just died!
    SPLASH! Suddenly Jillian is sprayed in the face with water. Reveal Gru holding a HOSE with a SPRAY NOZZLE.
    GRU
    I'm sorry. I did not see you there.
    SPLASH! He sprays her again. She falls down.
    GRU
    Or there.
    He drops the hose and walks away, CHUCKLING softly. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DUSK Gru takes Kyle out to the front yard. CAMERA POV A camera with nightvision is watching them. The screen analyzes Kyle and a readout comes out as "SPECIES: UNKNOWN." Kyle sniffs Gru's flowers.
    GRU
    Kyle... Kyle!
    Then it analyzes Gru and the readout says "TARGET ACQUIRED."
    GRU
    Ky--Kyle! No, do not do your business on the petunias!
    Kyle lifts up his leg next to Gru's flowers. He picks Kyle up and places him next to his neighbor's bush.
    GRU
    There you go. Those are Fred's. Go crazy.
    Kyle does and the bush immediately withers and dies. Gru CHUCKLES.
    GRU
    Good boy.
    VOICE (O.S.)
    Mr. Gru?
    Gru turns and sees Lucy Wilde standing there.
    GRU
    Wha? I didn't... What... Yes?
    LUCY
    (holds up her badge)
    Hi! Agent Lucy Wilde of the AVL.
    (realizes her badge is upside down)
    Oh. Whoops.
    (clears her throat, all business)
    Sorry, you're gonna have to come with me.
    GRU
    Oh, sorry, I--Freeze Ray!
    Gru whips out his FREEZE RAY and fires it. A WALL OF ICE heads for Lucy. But before it gets to her, Lucy pulls out a retractable gun from her purse, which acts as a FLAMETHROWER. Melting the ice.
    LUCY
    You know you really should announce your weapons after you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example--
    She pulls out a LIPSTICK. Fires it at Gru. The tip flies through the air and connects with his chest, latching on. ZZZZZAPPP! It tases him, which sends his body flailing in different funny poses before passing out.
    LUCY
    Lipstick Taser! Oh, it works so good.
    EXT: STREET - LATER Lucy tries to drag Gru to her car, but he's too heavy.
    LUCY
    Man. Ugh. Large...person.
    She gets an idea. Lucy gets into her car. In the background, we see Gru begin to come to, but he is struck by Lucy's car as she pulls back and is knocked out again.
    LUCY
    Oh...sorry!
    Closer now, Lucy gets out and stuffs his body into the trunk. Just then Tom and Stuart come out of Gru's garage and see their boss being loaded in. Lucy struggles to close the trunk.
    LUCY
    Get...in...there...you...big...man!
    SLAM! Lucy finally slams the trunk then quickly gets into the vehicle. Tom and Stuart exchange horrified looks.
    TOM AND STUART
    Boss!
    They take off running after the car as it pulls away, running as fast as their tiny legs will carry them. They get right behind it and Tom LEAPS up onto the trunk. He reaches his hand out to Stuart, who is falling behind.
    TOM
    Koom ey lah!
    STUART
    Koom ey lah! Koom ey lah!
    Stuart leaps for the bumper and Tom catches him by his overall straps. Tom holds on tight as Stuart dangles from the back of the car, his overall straps stretching way out.
    STUART
    Aaaaaaiiieeeaaaiiieeeaaaah!
    As Lucy turns a corner, he slams into some garbage cans and ends up skiing behind the car in a cardboard box. Now in the box, Stuart continues to ride behind the car, and even starts to get the hang of that, too. He waves at Tom, and Tom waves back.
    STUART
    Woooo!
    TOM
    Ooooh!
    All is good until they go past a clothesline and a sheet gets stuck on Stuart. The sheet forms a parasail which lifts Stuart up into the air. He strikes a Superman flying pose. Then a flock of GEESE fly toward him and one actually slams into his face.
    STUART
    Quack quack!
    It SQUAWKS at him as it flies off. Lucy spots the commotion in her side view mirror and slams on the brakes. SCREECH! Both minions fly forward-- INT: LUCY'S CAR - SAME Lucy sees this, drives forward, and opens the convertible top, causing the Minions to land right in the passenger's seat. They strike threatening karate poses.
    TOM AND STUART
    Hi-YAH!!
    Lucy tases them and they pass out. She floors it. EXT: STREET - SAME Lucy's car continues driving until it reaches a crowded PIER. And doesn't stop. It drives right off the end of the pier. A confused fisherman leaps for his life.
    CONFUSED FISHERMAN
    What the-- Oh!
    SPLASH! INT: OCEAN - SAME Lucy's car now transforms into an UNDERWATER VEHICLE. As the minions come to, one of them tries playing with the radio until Lucy slaps his hand away. They speed through the sea and an octopus slams into her windshield. She turns on the wipers, which hits the octopus in the face until he's had enough and swims off in a cloud of ink. She HONKS her HORN as she passes through a school of fish.
    MINIONS
    Whoa...
    As the fish pass the Minions look ahead to see a shark heading for them with his mouth open. They SCREAM. Lucy quickly steers the car out of harm's way. They pass by several more sharks until they arrive at a GIANT SUBMARINE with the letters "AVL" on the side. A HATCH opens and Lucy's car goes inside. The hatch closes behind her. INT: AVL SUB - SAME The water drains out from the holding dock. A buffer and hair dryer come out to dry off the car. A squeegee wipes off the windshield. Then the platform the car is on lowers down. INT: AVL ROOM - DAY Lucy's car lowers into the center of the room as a large circular table assembles around it, effectively locking them in. Lucy and the Minions get out of the car. She pushes a button on her remote and Gru, with a starfish attached to his head, is ejected from the trunk.
    GRU
    (groggily)
    Ugh...ooh...what...where...ah...oh, foot's asleep...ah...pins and needles...
    SILAS (O.S.)
    Good afternoon, Mr. Gru.
    GRU
    Ehhh...
    SILAS
    I apologize for our methods in getting you here.
    LUCY
    I don't. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I am not gonna lie--I enjoyed that. Every second of it. Gave me a bit of a buzz, actually.
    SILAS
    That's enough, Agent Wilde.
    LUCY
    Sorry, sir.
    GRU
    Okay, this is bogus!
    Gru peels the starfish off his head and drops it onto Tom's. Stuart LAUGHS at him.
    GRU
    I don't know who you people think you are, but--
    A WAITER comes over with tea for Silas.
    SILAS
    We are the Anti-Villain League.
    As Silas summons a map that shows all of the AVL offices around the world, Lucy's car drops out of the way. Stuart is trapped on the lowering platform and he scrambles to get back onto stable ground. Silas continues.
    SILAS
    An ultra-secret organization dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. Rob a bank? We're not interested. Kill someone? Not our deal. But you want to melt the polar ice caps? Or vaporize Mt. Fuji? Or even steal the moon? Then we notice.
    GRU
    First of all, you've got no proof that I did that. Second, after I did do that, I put it back!
    SILAS
    We're well aware of that, Mr. Gru. That's why we've brought you here.
    (beat)
    I am the League's director, Silas Ramsbottom.
    Upon hearing the name, Tom and Stuart start giggling.
    TOM
    Bottom.
    TOM AND STUART
    Heeheheeeeheeehee.
    Silas bristles at this, and glances over at Lucy.
    SILAS
    Hilarious. Agent Wilde...
    LUCY
    Oh, me now...?
    She continues the de-briefing, turning to the screens, which show an image of the Magnet Ship stealing the lab.
    LUCY
    Um, recently an entire top secret lab disappeared from the Arctic Circle. Yeah, the entire lab. Just whoosh. Voom! Gone. Where did it go?
    GRU
    I don't care.
    The screen shows FOOTAGE of a TINY LITTLE BUNNY in a scientific lab. Furry and adorable.
    LUCY
    The lab was devoted to experiments involving PX-41, a transmutation serum. What is PX-41, you ask? Mmmm, it's pretty bad... Look.
    A LABCOAT TECHNICIAN approaches the bunny with a SYRINGE containing the purple liquid. Injects some in its butt.
    TOM AND STUART
    Aaah!
    Instantly the bunny transforms into a HIDEOUS PURPLE MONSTER BUNNY. Gru and the Minions smile, impressed. Then it goes crazy and attacks the scientist. Gru covers his eyes and the Minions pass out.
    GRU
    Oh!
    The bunny attacks the technician, then the camera...and the film is over.
    GRU
    Hmm, you usually don't see that in bunnies.
    SILAS
    As you can see, in the wrong hands, the PX-41 serum could be the most devastating weapon on earth.
    (struggles to get through the opening in the table)
    Fortunately it has a very distinct chemical footprint, and using the latest chemtracking technology, we found traces of it in the Paradise Mall.
    On the screens we see images depicting a highly technical diagram of the shopping mall.
    GRU
    Ha! A mall?
    SILAS
    Precisely. And we believe that one of these shop owners is a master criminal.
    Silas scrolls through pictures of the mall's shop owners.
    SILAS
    And that's where you come in. As an ex-villain, you know how a villain thinks, how a villain acts.
    LUCY
    The plan is to set you up undercover at a shop in the mall, where hopefully you'll be able to--
    GRU
    Okay, I see where this is going, with all the Mission Impossible stuff, but no. No! I am a father now. And a legitimate businessman. I am developing a line of delicious jams and jellies.
    Silas shoots him a look. He CHUCKLES.
    SILAS
    Jams and...jellies?
    GRU
    Oh, attitude! That's right! So thanks, but no thanks.
    (beat)
    And here's a tip--instead of tasing people and kidnapping them, maybe you should just give them a call! Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt!
    SILAS
    Ramsbottom.
    GRU
    (chuckles)
    Oh, yeah, like that's any better!
    Gru turns and heads for the door, followed by Tom and Stuart, who continue to GIGGLE about Ramsbottom's name. EXT: OCEAN - NIGHT Gru exits the AVL headquarters, which he now sees is on a SUBMARINE. Lucy leans out the door and taps him on the shoulder.
    LUCY
    Look, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but your work as a villain was kind of amazing, so if you ever want to get back to doing something awesome--give us a call.
    She hands Gru her BUSINESS CARD. Gru takes it and stares at it. EXT: OCEAN - LATER Gru rows back to shore as Tom yells to him like a coxswain. Gru GRUNTS with each stroke.
    TOM
    ("Stroke!")
    Mack-oh! Mack-oh! Mack-oh!
    INT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gru carries a sleeping Agnes upstairs. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Gru enters to find Margo and Edith not in bed. Margo is texting someone.
    GRU
    (whispers)
    Hey, I told you guys to get to bed.
    MARGO
    Oh, sorry.
    EDITH
    So when ya goin' on your date?
    GRU
    What?
    EDITH
    Remember? Miss Jillian said she was arranging a date for you.
    GRU
    Yeah, well, she is a nutjob. And I'm not going on any date.
    EDITH
    Why not? Are you scared?
    Gru stares back at Edith. Gets a far-away look in his eyes. EXT: PLAYGROUND - FLASHBACK - DAY We flash back to LITTLE GRU on the school playground. He stares, lovesick, at a CUTE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL, named LISA.
    LISA
    (to her friends)
    Hey, did you guys see the moon landing on TV?
    GIRLS
    Yeah, I can't believe it. It's so cool...
    LISA
    Yeah, and you know what--
    Gru approaches her.
    LITTLE GRU
    Excuse me, Lisa?
    But she doesn't notice him. He tries again.
    LISA
    (to her friends)
    I was talking to Billy the other day.
    GIRLS
    No way.
    LISA
    He is so cute.
    Gru clears his throat.
    LISA
    And I think he likes me.
    GRU
    Hey Lisa, I was wondering if you--
    Gru reaches out and taps her shoulder with his pointer finger. Then one of the other little girls points to Gru's finger on Lisa's shoulder.
    GIRL
    Ewww! Gru touched Lisa! Gru touched Lisa!
    The other girls turn and squeal, horrified.
    GIRLS
    Eeeeewww!
    A little buck-toothed red-haired girl shouts out to the entire playground.
    RED HAIRED GIRL
    Lisa's got Grooties!
    The playground erupts with SCREAMS and everyone turns and runs away. Little Gru is left alone. Crushed. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Gru comes out of the flashback.
    GRU
    Scared? Of what? Women?! No, that's bonkers! I just-- I have no interest in going on a date, that's all. Case closed. I'm not scared-- of women... or dates... let's go to bed.
    Gru gives each girl a goodnight kiss.
    GRU
    Goodnight, Edith.
    Then he goes over to Margo, who's already in bed.
    GRU
    Goodnight, Margo.
    She continues texting as he gives her a kiss.
    GRU
    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Well, hold the horses. Who are you texting?
    MARGO
    No one. Just my friend Avery.
    GRU
    Avery... Avery? Is that a girl's name or a boy's name?
    MARGO
    Does it matter?
    GRU
    No, no, it doesn't matter... Unless it's a boy!
    AGNES
    I know what makes you a boy.
    Gru turns to Agnes, concerned.
    GRU
    Uh...oooh...you...do?
    AGNES
    Your bald head.
    Gru nods, relieved.
    GRU
    Oh, yes...
    AGNES
    It's really smooth. Sometimes I stare at it and imagine a little chick popping out. Peep peep peep.
    Gru sighs and gives her a kiss.
    GRU
    Goodnight, Agnes. Never get older.
    Gru turns out the light and leaves the room. INT: LAB - DAY Gru rides the elevator tube down to his lab, passing minions in various stages of jelly making. A sign reading, JELLY TESTING AREA" has been hastily pasted over a nuclear warning sign. A SUPERVISOR MINION checks his clipboard as the MINION next to him steals a banana from his pocket. He turns, but the Minion who stole the banana has hidden it in his mouth. We see the ends of the banana pushing out his cheeks.
    SUPERVISOR MINION
    Hey, oh! Me banana!
    The Minion with the banana in his mouth shrugs. A single apple is passed down a line of Minions in the least efficient way possible. A few Minions mash fruits in large vats ala "I Love Lucy." One wears a bunch of fruit on his head like Carmen Miranda and sings the CHIQUITA BANANA song. His supervisor comes over and tells him to get back to work. The Minion tries to get out of the vat of fruit, but slips and falls down into a large test-tube filled with mashed fruit. Then all of the mashed fruit is flushed down a large hole where it is injected into jelly jars passing by on a conveyor belt. The trapped Minion is injected into one of the jars. Gru enters the lab and greets the minions.
    GRU
    Hey, Tim, nice haircut!
    He points at Tim.
    GRU
    Donnie, hang in there, baby! It's almost Friday.
    Gru high-fives Donnie as he approaches Dr. Nefario.
    GRU
    So, how's today's batch, Dr. Nefario?
    DR.
    I developed a allowed me to of berry into
    NEFARIO
    new formula which get every known kind one flavor of jelly.
    Gru sticks his finger in and tastes the purple goo in the jar. Makes a disgusted face, then attempts a smile.
    GRU
    (faking it)
    That tastes good...
    (gags)
    Love the flavor of that...
    DR. NEFARIO
    It's horrible, isn't it?
    GRU
    No! No! Oh, we're making great progress!
    (to the Minions)
    Here, try some of this.
    He hands a jar to a minion, who tries it. He GAGS! Another minion tastes some and scrapes it off his tongue. They smash the jar and all the minions run away, disgusted.
    GRU
    Whoa... okay, just because everybody hates it doesn't mean it's not good.
    Dr. Nefario hangs his head.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Listen, Gru. There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now.
    GRU
    What? What's wrong?
    DR. NEFARIO
    (clears his throat)
    I miss being evil. Sinister plots, large-scale crimes...It's what I live for! I mean, don't you think there's more to our future than jelly?
    GRU
    Well, I'm also considering a line of jams...
    DR. NEFARIO
    Um...the thing is, Gru...
    (deep breath)
    I've had an offer of employment elsewhere.
    GRU
    Dr. Nefario! Come on, you're kidding, right?
    DR. NEFARIO
    It's a great opportunity for me, bigger lab, more evil, full dental...
    Dr. Nefario presses a button and his stuff folds itself up into a traveling suitcase. Dr. Nefario hangs his head. Gru stares back at his old friend.
    GRU
    Very well. Let us give you the proper send-off.
    (calls off screen)
    Minions!
    INT: GRU'S LAB - LATER Seven minions are lined up with seven fart guns. Dr. Nefario sits in his scooter.
    GRU
    The highest honor awarded. To Dr. Nefario for your years of service. The twenty-one fart gun salute!
    FART! FART! FART! Dr. Nefario COUGHS. His eyes are watering (and not only from the smell).
    DR. NEFARIO
    Uh, I counted twenty-two.
    Dave CHUCKLES, guilty. Dr. Nefario fires up the scooter.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Farewell, my friends.
    The minions CRY. Dr. Nefario pushes another button on the scooter, transforming it into flying mode. He GUNS the engine and it begins flying away. At the slowest pace possible. Everyone just stands there awkwardly.
    DR. NEFARIO
    This may take a while. Go about your business.
    Everyone walks off.
    DR. NEFARIO
    I miss you already!
    Gru examines Lucy's business card. Makes a decision. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT The shadow of a mysterious figure approaches Gru's front door. EXT: GRU'S FOYER - NIGHT A Minion wears a French Maid's outfit and SINGS as he vacuums the floor. The doorbell rings. The Minion opens the door to see who it is.
    FRENCH MAID MINION
    Hello?
    A shadow falls across the terrified minion as something unseen abducts him. EXT: GRU'S FOYER - LATER The vacuum moves back and forth across the floor by itself. Another Minion walks by wearing a different Maid outfit. He doesn't see the other Minion and closes the door. Then he opens it again, cleans the doorknob, and closes it. INT: FAMILY ROOM - DAY It's morning at Gru's house. Margo and Agnes sit on the couch with a LAPTOP. Edith leans over the top of the couch, looking on.
    AGNES
    Are you sure we should be doing this?
    MARGO
    Yes, it's for his own good.
    On the screen is a DATING WEBSITE (CREATE-A-DATE.NET)--the girls are creating a profile for Gru.
    MARGO
    Okay, we need to choose a picture.
    Margo clicks through pictures of Gru. Each one is worse than the last.
    AGNES
    No.
    CLICK.
    AGNES
    Scary.
    CLICK.
    EDITH
    Weird.
    CLICK. The next picture is of Gru in a bathing suit. The girls react in horror.
    GIRLS
    Aaaaaah!!!
    Margo covers Agnes's eyes.
    AGNES
    What is that?!
    Gru enters the family room.
    GRU
    Good morning, girls! I have an announcement to make.
    MARGO
    Hey, what celebrity do you look like?
    GRU
    Ummm...Bruce Willis.
    The girls stare at him blankly.
    MARGO
    Mmmm...no.
    AGNES
    Humpty Dumpty!
    EDITH
    Ooh, Gollum!
    The girls LAUGH.
    GRU
    Okay, what are you doing?
    AGNES
    We're signing you up for online dating!
    GRU
    Oh, okay...WHAT?! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
    Gru grabs the laptop away from the girls.
    EDITH
    Aw come on, it's fun.
    MARGO
    And it's time for you to get out there.
    GRU
    No! Stop! No one is ever getting out there! Ever!
    Gru hands a Minion the laptop, accidentally hitting him in the face.
    GRU
    Okay, now for the announcement: I have accepted a new job.
    MARGO
    Whoa--really?
    GRU
    Yes, I have been recruited by a top secret agency to go undercover and save the world!
    EDITH
    You're gonna be a spy?!
    GRU
    That's right, baby! Gru's back in the game! With gadgets and weapons and cool cars...the whole deal.
    EDITH
    Awesome!
    Agnes looks up at him in awe.
    AGNES
    Are you really gonna save the world?
    Gru looks at Agnes.
    GRU
    Yes. Yes I am.
    He coolly puts on a pair of sunglasses. We pan to Dave mimicking Gru with a pair of sunglasses.
    DAVE
    Mocha!
    And then to Kevin dressed in an Amish beard and tie.
    KEVIN
    Cacao!
    And then Stuart dressed as a little girl with pigtails.
    STUART
    Papadam?
    EXT: MALL - DAY Establishing. INT: MALL - SAME Gru comes down the escalator wearing the sunglasses, with the three disguised Minions behind him. Stuart gets his dress caught in the escalator. It comes off and he hides in a nearby potted plant. Gru glances at a store called the "EAGLE HAIR CLUB." He then arrives at a charming, pink CUPCAKE STORE. The sign reads, "BAKE MY DAY" Gru frowns and takes off his sunglasses.
    GRU
    Hm. "Bake My Day." Blech.
    INT: BAKE MY DAY - CONTINUOUS Gru unlocks the door and enters. JINGLE! BELLS on the door ring. The inside is sugary and clean and quaint. Gru takes it all in. Then turns to the minions.
    GRU
    Alright, here is the cupcake recipe I got off the internet.
    The minions excitedly grab the recipe and head for the kitchen. Gru kicks Stuart, who is still staggering around in the potted plant.
    GRU
    And don't go nuts with the sprinkles!
    Gru is left alone. He looks around. Sees a BUNNY CUPCAKE in a glass cake dish. Then a SHARK CUPCAKE in the next cake dish. And in the next dish he sees Lucy's head. She makes a funny face. Gru SCREAMS, which causes Lucy to SCREAM and jump up, hitting her head on one of the shelves, sending all of the CUPCAKES flying. Lucy immediately goes into action, using incredible and frankly weird-looking MARTIAL ARTS MOVES to dispatch the cupcakes as they fly toward her.
    LUCY
    Ha! Yaa! Ho! Ooof! Zaaa! Ay-ay- ay-ay-ay!
    She successfully eliminates all of the cupcakes, then turns to Gru, out of breath.
    LUCY
    Whoo. Wasn't expecting that.
    (strikes a martial arts pose)
    Or was I?
    Gru has a cupcake stuck to the top of his head, frosting side down. Lucy gestures as if he's got a little food on his face.
    LUCY
    Ooh... you got... You got... a little...
    The cupcake slowly slides down, then falls to the floor. It leaves a long smear on Gru's face.
    LUCY
    Here, I'll-- I'll get it.
    Gru stands frozen as she tries to clean him up.
    LUCY
    Oh, that's just spreading...um...
    GRU
    Alright, alright. I got it. I got it!... Stop it!
    Lucy backs off.
    LUCY
    Oh! I'll let you get it.
    Gru SIGHS and wipes the frosting off his face.
    LUCY
    Yeah, what you just saw there was a little something new I've been working on. It's a combination of Jujitsu, Krav Maga, Aztec warfare, and krumping.
    GRU
    Okay, that's weird--why are you here?
    LUCY
    On assignment from Silas. I'm your new partner. Yay!
    GRU
    What?! No, no "yay." Ramsbottom didn't say anything about a partner.
    LUCY
    Well, seems that because of your checkered past, everyone else refused to work with you. But not me. I stepped up. And I'm new, so I kind of have to do what they tell me anyway.
    Gru is about to respond when Dave the minion comes out the kitchen door. He carries a cupcake in the shape of a Minion.
    DAVE
    Walla!
    Immediately Lucy moves with lightning-quick reflexes. She smashes his cupcake, flips him into the air, and pins him to the counter. Dave SCREAMS.
    LUCY
    You know this guy?
    GRU
    Yes, he's one of my minions.
    LUCY
    Oh, I'm sorry. I should have known.
    She releases him.
    LUCY
    You're free to go.
    Dave stares at Lucy. Immediately smitten. A magical glow appears around her as romantic music plays. We go into Dave's fantasy. EXT: BEACH - DAY - FANTASY Dave and Lucy run along a beach together hand in hand. EXT: FIELD - DAY - FANTASY Dave and Lucy have a romantic picnic together. They toast each other with champagne. Dave drinks from the bottle. EXT: BRIDGE - NIGHT - FANTASY Lucy and Dave sit on the railing of a moonlit footbridge. Both fire ROCKETS into the air to create fireworks and are about to kiss when--
    GRU (V.O.)
    Dave...
    INT: BAKE MY DAY - DAY Back to reality, where Dave is staring up at Lucy, lovestruck.
    GRU
    Earth to Dave! You can leave now.
    Dave goes back into the kitchen, never taking his eyes off of Lucy. INT: MALL - DAY CLOSE ON the Giant Cupcake on top of the cupcake shop. The CHERRY on the Giant Cupcake rotates, revealing a CAMERA hidden inside. VZZZZZT! The lens zooms.
    GRU (O.S.)
    Now, what do we got? Who's on the list? Fire 'em at me.
    INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Gru and Lucy stand next to each other under a domed lamp lowered from the ceiling. Inside the dome of the lamp, Gru and Lucy are uncomfortably close together looking at a video screen.
    LUCY
    First suspect...Hedda Blumentoft, proprietor of Mum's the Word Floral Shop.
    The camera moves over to Mum's the Word Floral Shop and HEDDA BLUMENTOFT.
    GRU
    No. Not her.
    LUCY
    Okay, moving on...
    The camera moves over to the "Stuff-A-Bear" store. CHUCK KINNEY, a small perky man, holds up an empty teddy bear skin for a little boy.
    LUCY
    Chuck Kinney, owner of "Stuff-A- Bear."
    Kinney shoves the teddy bear's butt onto a sharp metal tube. The bear inflates until it EXPLODES into a torrent of bear skin and stuffing. The little boy CRIES.
    LUCY
    Ooh.
    GRU
    I don't think so.
    DING-A-LING-A-LING! The bell rings on the cupcake shop's front door, signaling a customer.
    EDUARDO (O.S.)
    Hello?
    GRU
    Oh!
    Gru and Lucy quickly hide their equipment, look up and see EDUARDO PEREZ at the door. They try to act natural.
    EDUARDO
    Buenos dias, my friends! I am Eduardo Perez, owner of Salsa & Salsa Restaurant, across the mall. Now open for breakfast. And you are?
    GRU
    Gru. And this is Lucy. And we are closed.
    EDUARDO
    This is just gonna take un momento. I am throwing a big Cinco de Mayo party, and I am going to need two hundred of your best cupcakes decorated with the Mexican flag. It looks something like this.
    He rips open his shirt, revealing a TATTOO of the Mexican flag on his chest.
    EDUARDO
    What do you think?
    He flexes and makes it wave. Gru hides his eyes.
    GRU
    Look away!
    Lucy stares at it.
    LUCY
    You-- Whoa... Hooo...
    EDUARDO
    Anyway, I have to go. It's all settled! I pick 'em up next week! Have a good day. Come by if you get a chance, okay?
    He exits. Gru GROANS, relieved. Finally! Then Eduardo pops back in.
    EDUARDO
    And welcome to the mall family!
    Gru studies Eduardo's face and GASPS. He pictures Eduardo in a red luchador mask surrounded by flames. Eduardo turns and leaves. As soon as the door closes--
    GRU
    (whispers)
    El Macho.
    LUCY
    What?
    GRU
    But it couldn't be...
    LUCY
    Wha-- What? What couldn't be??
    GRU
    That guy looks exactly like a villain named El Macho. From about twenty years ago.
    EXT: DESERT - DAY - FLASHBACK Classic Spaghetti western sepia-toned shot of El Macho looking menacing. He looks like the large Hispanic man from the mall, only younger and wearing a Lucha Libre outfit and mask (a mask which looks similar to the one Gru imagined). El Macho pushes the BARKEEP out of the way and grabs a large bottle from behind the bar.
    GRU (V.O.)
    He was ruthless. He was dangerous. And as the name implies, very macho.
    El Macho pours himself a shot and then smashes the bottle over his own head. He reaches down and pulls up a rattlesnake from below the bar. He squeezes its head, squirting venom into the shot glass. He drinks it down and then eats the glass. He sticks the snake's fangs into a few dollars that he leaves on the bar, before breaking through the wall behind him, leaving an EL Macho-shaped hole. EXT: STREET - DAY - FLASHBACK El Macho head butts an armored truck and approaches the passenger side window.
    GRU (V.O.)
    He had a reputation for pulling off heists using only his bare hands.
    When the ARMED GUARDS look over he punches through the bullet- proof glass, knocking them both out of the truck. Then he lifts the truck onto his back and runs down the street with it.
    GRU (V.O.)
    Ah, but sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon.
    EXT: SKY - DAY - PAST A bird, flying in the air, is suddenly struck by an airplane.
    GRU (V.O.)
    He died in the most macho way possible.
    El Macho leaps out of the plane riding a SHARK, a ton of DYNAMITE strapped to him. He plummets toward the mouth of an ACTIVE VOLCANO.
    GRU (V.O.)
    Riding a shark with 250 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest into the mouth of an active volcano.
    He pulls two grenades from behind his back, yanks the pins, and holds onto them as he plunges into the volcano. There is a MASSIVE EXPLOSION.
    GRU (V.O.)
    It was glorious.
    INT: BAKE MY DAY - DAY Lucy stares at Gru, confused.
    LUCY
    Yeah, sounds like El Macho's pretty dead...
    GRU
    They never found the body. Oh no. All that was ever retrieved was a pile of singed chest hair.
    (beat)
    But... that face. It has got to be El Macho.
    Lucy gets an excited look on her face.
    LUCY
    Then what do you say you and I break into his restaurant? Tonight.
    Gru nods at Lucy's invitation.
    GRU
    Yes, that's good, because I'm telling you--if anybody in this place has the PX-41 serum...
    Gru looks out the window and points at Eduardo riding up on the escalator, scratching his butt.
    GRU
    ...it's him.
    INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Gru enters and pushes the girls into their beds like a tour guide anxious to finish a tour.
    GRU
    Alright, alright, homework done, pajamas on, teeth brushed, time for bed.
    MARGO
    What's the big hurry?
    GRU
    I just... I have a lot of work to do.
    EDITH
    Work, what kind of work?
    GRU
    Very important business. So...hugs, kisses...
    (hugs and kisses them)
    ...good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs blah-blah-blah-blah- blah--
    Gru turns to leave, but Agnes is standing at the doorway.
    AGNES
    But you said you'd help me practice my part for the Mother's Day show!
    Gru looks down at Agnes' puppy dog eyes. He SIGHS.
    GRU
    Fine, fine... Let me hear it. Quickly.
    INT: GRU'S FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT On Agnes. She gives her lines.
    AGNES
    (robotically)
    She kisses my boo-boos She braids my hair My mother is beyond compare We love you, mothers, everywhere!
    Gru frowns.
    GRU
    Wow! That was...something else. I really liked the way you smiled at the end. Let's try this one more time, but a teensy bit less like a zombie, okay?
    AGNES
    Okay.
    (still monotone)
    She kisses my boo-boos She braids my hair--
    GRU
    Perfect! Time to go!
    As he heads for the door--
    AGNES
    I don't think I should do this.
    This stops Gru.
    GRU
    Well, what do you mean? Why not?
    AGNES
    I don't even have a mom.
    Ouch. But Gru tries not to let this affect him.
    GRU
    Well, you don't need one to do the show. I mean, you did the Veterans Day Pageant and you haven't been in combat.
    Agnes looks up at Gru.
    AGNES
    This is different.
    GRU
    Okay, well, then...maybe you can just use your imagination.
    AGNES
    You mean I pretend I have a mom?
    GRU
    Yes, right. You can do that, can't you?
    Agnes smiles.
    AGNES
    Yeah! I do that all the time! Thanks, Gru!
    She gives him a kiss and runs off. Gru watches her go, deep in thought. INT: REC ROOM - NIGHT TWO MINIONS raise their ice cream sundaes and clink them together!
    MINIONS
    Hey!
    Pull back to reveal many minions singing and dancing. We move through the crowd, passing by the mace-wielding minion with his helmet still backwards and a smaller server minion with a tray of ice cream sundaes in mugs. We cut up to the rafters, where more minions are dancing and singing in formation, jumping and hopping all over the place in elaborate dance routines. Back on the floor, three arm-in-arm minions take the chorus. One of them clearly having had one too many sundaes is being held up by the other two. Another minion tries to carry empty mugs down a spiral staircase, but he's knocked off by a bunch of minions running up the other way. Several minions sit around a communal bowl of ice cream, lazily sipping at it through long straws. Gru enters and takes it all in. Other minions raid an ice cream cart, hanging from the canopy, drinking directly from the spouts.
    GRU
    Alright, hey, hey-- No, no, no, no! Hey, please!
    The Minions stop singing.
    GRU
    Kevin, Jerry, watch the girls for me, okay?
    (points)
    Dave, Stuart--come this way. With me! Come on!
    Dave downs a jar of maraschino cherries and sprays whip cream into his mouth before running after them, with a toothpick umbrella in his mouth for good measure.
    GRU (O.S.)
    Come on!
    Once they are gone, the Minions go back to singing and laughing. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Margo, Edith and Agnes are fast asleep in their beds. Kevin and Jerry sing them a lullaby. Then smile and quietly close the door. INT: HALLWAY - SAME Kevin holds up a golf ball. Jerry happily jumps up and down.
    KEVIN
    Hey, putt-putt?
    JERRY
    Oh!
    INT: LIVING ROOM - LATER Jerry puts the tee and ball in his mouth as Kevin stands on a dresser, preparing to take a swing. He asks Jerry if he's ready and Jerry gives a thumbs up.
    KEVIN
    Una, doo--
    (laughs as he lowers the golf club to Jerry's head)
    CRASH! CLANG! A noise comes from the backyard. The minions exchange looks. What was that?
    EXT: BACKYARD - NIGHT Kevin and Jerry step out into the yard and look around nervously, armed only with the golf club and tee.
    KEVIN
    Boca!
    JERRY
    (scared)
    Boca!
    They walk over to the garbage cans. The cans begins to rattle. Kevin and Jerry SCREAM as a CAT pops up from one of the cans. The cat MEOWS. Kevin LAUGHS at him and imitates Jerry's scared face.
    KEVIN
    Looka too!
    Jerry slaps him. Kevin slaps him back. They start to slap fight until-- A SPOTLIGHT comes down from above, lighting up the terrified minions. Before they can scream... WOOSH! Jerry is sucked up into the air as if being abducted by aliens. Kevin grabs onto a flower, and then the cat to try and anchor himself down, but they both fly up into the air. The light goes out. A few seconds later the light comes back on and drops the cat back down. It turns off again and the Minions are gone. EXT: MALL - NIGHT The mall is dark and the parking lot is empty, except for two minions and Lucy's car. INT: MALL - SAME A lone SECURITY GUARD walks through the dark mall, listening to music on his headphones. He passes by Eduardo's Salsa & Salsa. Shines his light inside. All clear. He moves on. Once the guard is gone, a floor tile is moved aside and Gru peeks out. After making sure the coast is clear, Gru calls down.
    GRU
    (whispers)
    We're stealth ninjas. We make no sound.
    LUCY
    Right. Gotcha.
    INT: EDUARDO'S SALSA & SALSA - LATER Lucy kicks the door open. She enters. Gru reacts.
    GRU
    Alright, El Macho, you're going down.
    But before Gru takes a step, Lucy stops him.
    LUCY
    Wait! Wait!
    GRU
    What?
    She produces a SPRAY CAN and sprays the air in front of her. Gru frowns.
    GRU
    What are you doing?
    LUCY
    I'm checking for laser beam alarm triggers.
    GRU
    It's a restaurant!
    LUCY
    You never know what kind of booby traps this guy could have set. Huh? C'mon!
    GRU
    There are no booby traps!
    Gru takes a step and kicks a TRIPWIRE attached to a tiny bell. TING-A-LING! Lucy points to the bell.
    LUCY
    Ha! Booby!
    Lucy GASPS as a door begins to creak open. She hides behind Gru. A tiny CHICKEN hops out. It CLUCKS. Lucy is confused.
    LUCY
    Oh. There's a chicken. Are you lost little guy? You must be lost!
    GRU
    Ha! Some guard dog.
    Suddenly, the chicken leaps into the air and lands on Gru, pecking his bald head.
    GRU
    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiigh!
    Gru runs in circles, trying to get the chicken off.
    GRU
    Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!
    Gru SCREAMS as the chicken goes up his shirt and bursts out of his sweater through the chest, "Alien"-style. He grabs it.
    GRU
    I got you!
    It pecks him on the head, escapes, and continues to attack him. Lucy thinks fast and grabs a tablecloth from a table. She lunges and covers the chicken with the table cloth.
    LUCY
    I got it! Ha!
    She tightens the tablecloth around Gru's neck, trapping the chicken and Gru's head inside. A muffled scream comes from under the table cloth and Lucy realizes what she's done. Gru runs around trying to get the tablecloth off his head. Lucy does a karate flip/body slam on Gru and the chicken. She removes the table cloth. Gru's head has been replaced by the chicken!
    LUCY
    Ha!
    She goes to karate chop the chicken, but it flies off and she hits Gru in the face instead.
    LUCY
    Oh!
    The chicken regroups, CLUCKS, and attacks. Lucy acts fast and presses a button on her watch, squirting FOAM onto the chicken. FSSSSSSHT! The foam instantly hardens into a glass ball around the chicken. Only its head sticks out. It wobbles back and forth like a Weeble. Lucy turns to Gru.
    GRU
    (dazed)
    Ugh...
    LUCY
    What is wrong with that chicken?
    (beat)
    Hey, that pollo? Es loco.
    Gru is unimpressed.
    LUCY
    (noticing Gru's wounds)
    No? Okay, let's go.
    INT: KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Gru and Lucy step into the kitchen. Lucy pulls out a HIGH- TECH SCANNING DEVICE and aims it around the kitchen.
    GRU
    You getting anything?
    LUCY
    No. Not yet. But hey, maybe you can find something with these x-ray goggles.
    Lucy produces a pair of HIGH TECH goggles. Gru shakes his head.
    GRU
    (skeptically)
    Bah...
    Gru puts them on and looks around the kitchen. We now see the room from his X-RAY POV.
    LUCY (O.S.)
    How're they working? Tell me, tell me!
    Gru turns to Lucy and sees her as a SKELETON.
    GRU
    Ahh! Ooof!
    LUCY
    What's wrong? Something wrong?
    GRU
    Oh, that's an image I'll never get out of my brain. Blagh!
    Gru makes a face, disturbed. Then quickly turns away and spots something behind a painting on the wall...a safe. Sees something inside it--a METAL CANISTER. Smiles.
    GRU
    I knew it!
    He goes to the wall and removes the painting, revealing the SAFE.
    GRU
    The serum is in here!
    LUCY
    Ooh, then let's get it!
    He produces a SAFE-CRACKING DEVICE and places it over the combination wheel. Lights blink and it goes to work.
    GRU
    (gleefully giggling)
    Oh, this is going to be good! Ahh...
    CLICK. The safe opens, revealing--a JAR OF SALSA ("EDUARDO'S SECRET RECIPE").
    GRU
    A-ha!
    (registering it's not the serum)
    What? It's... salsa?
    LUCY
    (disappointed)
    Awww man.
    INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo enters the restaurant. Senses something isn't right. Frowns angrily.
    EDUARDO
    Oh... somebody's going to die tonight.
    He cautiously walks through the restaurant. Sees the chicken in the ball of cement. Gasps.
    EDUARDO
    Pollito!
    Eduardo runs over to Pollito and picks him up.
    EDUARDO
    What'd they do to you? Pollito? Can you hear me?
    POLLITO
    Boc!
    EDUARDO
    Who would do this to such a sweet little chicken? What? Who's there?
    His eyes darken. INT: KITCHEN - SAME Gru and Lucy, who are ravenously eating the delicious salsa with chips, turn to the door. Uh-oh. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo, carrying the chicken, makes his way to the kitchen. Grabs a LARGE KNIFE off of a table.
    EDUARDO
    You coming out?! Or am I gonna go in?!
    INT: KITCHEN - SAME Gru and Lucy react to hearing Eduardo's voice. Gru pulls a LASER CUTTER out of his jacket. Aims it at the ceiling. TWEEEE! The LASER fires, cutting a hole in the ceiling. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo approaches the kitchen, brandishing the knife. Ready to confront any intruders. He shoves open the door and sees chips and the salsa container sitting in the open wall safe. INT: KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Eduardo enters the room, just in time to see a pair of legs disappear into the ceiling.
    EDUARDO
    Stop!
    Lucy quickly pops down and hits him in the eyes with her foam- shooting watch.
    EDUARDO
    My eyes!
    He rubs his eyes, dropping the chicken and cracking its encasement. INT: MALL - SAME Lucy and Gru quickly run through the mall.
    LUCY
    Gru, call one of your munchkins!
    Gru produces a communicator and calls into it.
    GRU
    We've been spotted! Come get us!
    INT: LUCY'S CAR - SAME One minion sits on the hood of the car. The other leans against a tire, toothpick in his mouth.
    DAVE
    Huh?
    (to the other minion)
    Hey! Loo-koo-meow-plah!
    STUART
    Ah! Koom-kwat!
    INT: MALL - SAME SMASH! The car crashes through the glass doors and speeds through the mall. They crash into a bunch of cleaning supplies being pushed by a janitor. Gru and Lucy watch them from the balcony above.
    LUCY
    Hm. Subtle.
    They both run over to meet the car at the escalators. The car heads for the escalators. As they reach the bottom, Gru and Lucy realize the minions are about to go up the other one!
    GRU
    Over here, over here! Over... here.
    Too late. The minions shake as they go up the bumpy stairs. Once they reach the top they take a left and start driving in circles around the balcony. Gru pulls out a grappling hook and aims for the balcony railing.
    GRU
    (grabbing Lucy)
    Hold tight!
    They shoot up and land right back where they started - at Salsa & Salsa! The minions zoom by in the car and Gru SIGHS in exasperation. Just then, Eduardo emerges from the restaurant with fire in his eyes and a knife in his hand. Eduardo produces many more KNIVES and heads straight for them.
    EDUARDO
    I have you now!
    BAM! Eduardo is struck unconscious by Lucy's car. Just in time. Lucy opens the car door. One of the minions holds a toothpick in his hand and leans on the steering wheel, seductively.
    DAVE
    Rawr, rawr!
    The other minion revs the engine suggestively. Eduardo starts to wake up. The car zooms past him. EXT: MALL DOME - SAME CRASH! Lucy's car plummets towards the ground. Gru SCREAMS hysterically, but Lucy just hits a button and the car TRANSFORMS into a jet. They fly off into the night sky. EXT: GRU'S NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING It's a beautiful morning. An ICE CREAM TRUCK makes its way down the street (playing the song the minions were singing earlier). It stops and a couple of CHILDREN run to meet it. Stuart opens Gru's front door, having heard the commotion. Two other minions approach as well. Stuart spots the ice cream truck and points to it, excited.
    STUART
    Oh! Oh! Gelato!
    And then suddenly a MOB OF MINIONS appears running for the ice cream truck alongside the group of children. The minions shove the children aside and clamor around the truck holding out their money.
    MINIONS
    Gelato! Gelato! Gelato!
    Stuart pushes himself to the top of the unruly pack and tries to maintain order.
    STUART
    Stopa! Stopa!!
    A hush comes over the minions.
    STUART
    (knocking on the truck)
    Hey-ho! Gelato!
    Suddenly the ice cream cone on top of the truck transforms into a LARGE TUBE and extends itself above the minions. Stuart offers the tube a wad of cash and attempts to order gelato, but the it begins SUCKING the minions into it. ZUP! ZUP! ZUP! One by one the minions (dozens of them, including the minion with his head still trapped in the jelly jar) are sucked into the truck until there is only one left. He tries to make a break for it, but the truck lowers a popsicle in front of him. He licks it, his tongue sticks, and he is yanked back into the ice cream cone. The it closes and the truck drives away. The children look on puzzled. EXT: PARADISE MALL - DAY The hole that Lucy's car crashed through last night has been patched with plywood boards. INT: PARADISE MALL - DAY PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Gru is inside a GARBAGE CAN DISGUISE. Next to him is Lucy, also in a GARBAGE CAN DISGUISE, using binoculars.
    LUCY (O.S.)
    All right, there he is. Suspect #8: Floyd Eaglesan.
    BINOCULARS POV Floyd Eaglesan attempts to entice a customer to visit his business, Eagle Hair Club.
    GRU
    Oh. Okay.
    LUCY
    See if you can get closer. Go...go.
    Gru quickly stands up, revealing his legs, and takes several steps toward Eagle Hair Club. Floyd looks over his shoulder, and Gru stops. Floyd enters Eagle Hair Club and Gru inches closer.
    GRU
    Alright, what do--
    BINOCULARS POV Suddenly a MAN approaches the trash can with a steaming cup of coffee. The binoculars readout says "WARNING! EXTREMELY HOT."
    GRU
    (to himself)
    Oh no. That's not good.
    The man goes to throw the coffee in the trash and we see Gru's legs pop out from beneath the can. The man looks confused and tries again. Gru dodges and takes off running. The man chases after him. Gru accidentally knocks into a bent-over woman's rear end. Insulted, she turns around, sees the man with the coffee, and slaps him across the face. Unfortunately, Gru doesn't see the escalator ahead and goes tumbling down the moving stairs. CRASH! BANG! CLANG! Finally, Gru pops out of the trash can and lands at the bottom of the escalator with a THUD! Flat on his face, he hears a familiar voice call out.
    AGNES (O.S.)
    Hey Gru!
    Gru looks up and sees Margo, Edith and Agnes.
    GRU
    Oh! Girls! What are you doing here?
    MARGO
    Well, we thought we'd come visit you at work.
    (looks at Gru and the trash can)
    So, you're saving the world in a garbage can?
    GRU
    (sarcastically)
    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...funny.
    Lucy arrives on the scene, joining them.
    LUCY
    Hey, there you are. Oh, who's this?
    GRU
    Lucy, these are my girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes. Girls, Lucy. Lucy, girls.
    MARGO
    Hello.
    EDITH
    Hi.
    Agnes gazes lovingly at Lucy. A magical glow appears around Lucy, who smiles back.
    AGNES
    Are you single?
    LUCY
    Oh! Goodness...
    Gru, immediately uncomfortable, claps his hands together.
    GRU
    Oh! Hey! I have an idea! Since Lucy and I have lots of work to do, why don't you girls go and explore the mall!
    Gru quickly shuffles the girls away from Lucy, trying to get out of the uncomfortable situation. Gru pulls out his wallet.
    GRU
    Here is some money. Go buy some useless mall junk! Some headbands, and--
    AGNES
    Are you gonna marry Lucy?
    GRU
    Are you out of your gourd? No! She just works with me.
    AGNES
    Plus you love her.
    (sings)
    You love her, you love her, you really really love her, and you're gonna get married, and I will be the flower girl, and--
    GRU
    Okay, stop! That is a song of lies. I don't even like her!
    (points to mall)
    Now go have fun!
    Gru SIGHS. The girls run off, but quickly return to hug Gru.
    AGNES
    Almost forgot! Hugs!
    MARGO
    Good luck saving the world. Bye!
    AGNES
    Bye, Gru!
    Lucy watches the group hug. Smiles. Gru heads back over to Lucy, embarrassed by Agnes.
    GRU
    Ha, ha, ha! Kids...right? They're...funny.
    LUCY
    Those girls totally adore you. I bet you're a fun dad.
    GRU
    Huh.
    (beat)
    I am pretty fun.
    INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY The girls are at the MALL FOUNTAIN. Agnes has her eyes closed and a very intense look on her face, as if she's really concentrating on something. There is something in her tightly clenched fist. She tosses a PENNY. Then opens her eyes, waiting for her wish to come true. Then Edith emerges from the water wearing a DIVING MASK AND SNORKEL, hands full of COINS.
    AGNES
    Is that stealing?
    EDITH
    Not if my wish was that I would get a lot of free coins.
    Margo is busy texting. Then something offscreen catches her eye. It's a boy. This is ANTONIO. Suave, cool, and a bit dangerous. We watch in SLOW MOTION as he strolls behind the fountain, and then disappears in its spraying water. Margo looks for Antonio. Backs into the fountain and nearly falls into it.
    MARGO
    Whoa!
    Antonio catches her.
    ANTONIO
    Cool glasses.
    Margo CHUCKLES nervously. He helps her back up.
    ANTONIO
    I'm Antonio.
    MARGO
    I'm...Margo.
    ANTONIO
    I was just going to get a cookie. Care to join me?
    MARGO
    Uh, sure. I'm...Margo.
    They begin walking away together, then Margo is reminded of her sisters when Edith loudly clears her throat.
    MARGO
    Um...I'll catch up with you guys later. Bye!
    She turns and runs after Antonio.
    EDITH
    Can I be the first to say...Ewwww!
    Agnes grabs Edith and shakes her.
    AGNES
    We gotta go tell Gru!
    EXT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - DAY Gru approaches Eagle Hair Club.
    GRU
    All right, I'm going in.
    LUCY (IN HEADPHONES)
    If it picks up any traces of the serum the sensor in your belt buckle--
    Gru activates the high-tech scanning device on his belt buckle. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Lucy is in the cupcake shop monitoring the scanning device results. She can hear him and see from his POV.
    LUCY
    --will make a sound like this-- MEE- MO-MEE-MO-MEE-MO!!!
    GRU
    (annoyed)
    Okay! I get it! I get it!
    INT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - SAME Gru fumbles with the automatic door, then enters Eagle Hair Club.
    FLOYD (O.S.)
    (chuckles)
    Welcome to Eagle Hair Club.
    At the reception desk, a large chair shaped like an eagle spins around. Sitting in the chair is Floyd, looking sinister and petting a FURRY OBJECT that looks like a cat.
    FLOYD
    It's about time you showed up...Mr. Gru.
    His pet BALD EAGLE perched next to him SQUAWKS.
    GRU
    You...know my name?
    FLOYD
    (chuckles)
    When someone moves into the mall who is follically challenged, I make it my business to know all about them. You are bald. And that is bad.
    He strokes the furry object. Kisses it. Then places it on a MANNEQUIN HEAD. It's a TOUPEE.
    FLOYD
    There you go, my sweet.
    INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Lucy monitors the chem-tracking device from inside the shop.
    LUCY
    I'm getting nothing so far. I think you need to move around.
    INT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - SAME Gru listens in on the headphones. He steps over to a wall on which hangs a PAINTING of Floyd flying with eagles.
    GRU
    Wow, this looks interesting. What is it?
    Gru thrusts his hips at the painting. Floyd watches him, suspicious.
    FLOYD
    I take it you're an art lover?
    LUCY (IN HEADPHONES)
    No serum.
    GRU
    Yeah, not so much.
    He walks over to a podium with a TROPHY. He thrusts his hips at that, too.
    GRU
    Oh, how about this impressive trinket?
    FLOYD
    I'd hardly call it a trinket, Mr. Gru.
    LUCY
    (in headphones)
    Nothing.
    FLOYD
    The International--
    GRU
    Yeah, I don't care.
    Floyd GRUMBLES in frustration. Gru moves to a shelf filled with WIG SAMPLES. He straddles it.
    LUCY
    (in headphones)
    MEE-MO-MEE-MO-MEE-MO!!! Hold on. I'm picking up something! Behind that wall!
    GRU
    Ah! And what do we have here?
    Floyd grabs a sample.
    FLOYD
    These are my trial wigs.
    (holds out wig to Gru)
    You should take one.
    Gru sticks his head into the shelf to investigate.
    GRU
    No thanks. So what's on the other side of the wall?
    FLOYD
    Here you are! Look at me! Focus!
    LUCY
    (in headphones)
    Gru?
    FLOYD
    I promise that this wig will transform you from ugly to irresistible.
    Gru stares at the wig. Clearly getting caught up in what Floyd's saying. Gru is about to respond when suddenly Edith and Agnes burst in, out of breath. MARGO HAS A BOYFRIEND! AND THEY'RE GOING ON A DATE! Gru stares at them.
    GRU
    Date??? Boyfriend???
    (yells at Floyd)
    What???
    Floyd shrugs. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gru, Edith and Agnes race across the mall. Then Agnes points over to the salsa restaurant as Margo and Antonio walk in.
    AGNES
    There she goes!
    INT: EDUARDO'S SALSA & SALSA - DAY Gru enters to see Margo and Antonio sitting together in the back of the restaurant together. Margo laughs at something Antonio said.
    MARGO
    Oh, you're so funny...
    EDITH
    Gross! Look, they're in love!
    These words hit Gru like a smack in the face.
    GRU
    Oh, no, no, no! Do not say that they are...no no no, no!
    He storms in. Edith and Agnes follow.
    ANTONIO (O.S.)
    ...and my dream is to one day play video games for a living.
    MARGO
    Wow. You're so complicated.
    Gru storms over to Margo. Attempts a smile.
    GRU
    Margo. What is going on here?
    MARGO
    Oh! Gru, se llama Antonio. Me llamo Margo.
    GRU
    Me llama-lama-ding-dong, who cares. Let's go.
    SALSA MUSIC begins to play and a curtain opens across the room. WOOSH! Someone leaps out, spinning like a tornado, then lands in the middle of the restaurant with a flourish. It's Eduardo.
    MARGO
    Whoa!
    Everyone in the restaurant cheers. Gru frowns. Not this guy! The music continues and Eduardo dances across the floor and out into the mall where he grabs a passing SHOPPER and pulls her into the restaurant. The confused woman holds on for the ride as Eduardo twirls and dances her all around the floor. He dips her and she melts, as do all of the women watching. Eduardo gazes into the woman's eyes and produces a business card.
    EDUARDO
    Kids eat free on Tuesdays.
    The woman grabs the business card from his hand with her teeth. Then Eduardo flings her across the floor and she twirls back out into the mall where she knocks over her confused husband. Then the song comes to an end and Eduardo strikes a final pose. Everyone in the studio cheers.
    GIRLS
    Yeah! Wahoo! Cool! Awesome!
    Everyone except Gru. Eduardo walks over to him and gives him a big warm hug.
    EDUARDO
    So good to see you again, mi compadre!
    Gru tries to get out of the hug as quickly as he can.
    ANTONIO
    Oh, I see you have already met my father.
    GRU
    What the-- Father?!
    EDUARDO
    Si! Look at this crazy small world we live in, eh? Come, sit, let me get you something.
    Gru looks down and sees Eduardo's chicken glaring at him. It SQUAWKS. It's unsettling.
    GRU
    Oh... look at you.
    Eduardo scoops the chicken up.
    GRU
    (nervous)
    Haha. He likes me!
    Gru tries to pet the chicken but Pollito lunges at him.
    EDUARDO
    Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Pollito is usually very friendly.
    (cradling Pollito)
    He had a rough night.
    The chicken stares relentlessly. Gru CHUCKLES nervously.
    GRU
    Well, we really should be going. Girls, come on.
    Gru tries to gather the girls, but Eduardo stops him, pushing Antonio and Margo closer together.
    EDUARDO
    That is a pity. Young love is beautiful, no?
    GRU
    No!
    (chuckling nervously)
    You know, they're not in love. They hardly know each other!
    Eduardo suddenly lights up, having an idea.
    EDUARDO
    You are right, Cabeza de Huevo! They must get to know each other better. Antonio, why don't you invite your girlfriend and her family to our Cinco de Mayo party?
    GRU
    No, no, I am--
    GIRLS
    Si!
    The girls are all thrilled at this, as is Antonio. As if on cue, MUSIC begins playing and they all begin dancing together. Antonio takes Margo's hand and twirls her across the floor. Gru stares at Antonio with a look that could kill. A waiter comes by to give Gru a party drink, and he promptly crushes the glass with his bare hands. His eye twitches. INT: AVL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT Gru and Lucy sit across from Silas at headquarters.
    SILAS
    I'm sorry, El Macho? Hadn't we eliminated him as a suspect? After the whole salsa incident?
    GRU
    Yes, but there has been a new development, and I'm telling you, this is the guy. You need to arrest him immediately. And his deviously charming son. I'm pretty sure that the son is involved, too. The son also. You've got to get the son.
    Gru approaches Silas.
    GRU
    (whispers)
    I think that the son is the mastermind. There's a look. There's a devilish look in his eyes and I don't like it!
    SILAS
    Yes, but I don't really see any evidence for--
    GRU
    Evidence schmevidence! I go with my gut, and my gut tells me that this guy is El Macho! Lock him up! Lock up the son. Don't forget about the son. The kid gives me the creeps!
    Silas takes a deep breath and rubs his temples.
    SILAS
    Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
    Lucy jumps in, trying to save the situation.
    LUCY
    Uh, but, on the less...
    (whistles)
    ..."crazy" side of things, uh, Gru discovered traces of the serum at Eagle Hair Club.
    SILAS
    Hm... Interesting...
    LUCY
    Yeah, and you know who made that happen? Huh?
    (points to Gru)
    This guy. Nailed it. Amazing, right?
    GRU
    No. I mean, sure, but it's not him. It is...
    (whispers)
    ...El Macho.
    SILAS
    Mr. Gru. Please--
    GRU
    No. It is him! And I will prove it!
    And Gru storms out.
    LUCY
    (calls after him)
    Gru, c'mon!
    Once he's gone, Silas gives Lucy a look.
    LUCY
    (laughs nervously)
    He really thinks it's El Macho. Can you tell?
    Silas is not amused. EXT: BEACH - DAY The minion with the popsicle stuck to his tongue wakes up on a beach, disoriented. He slowly sits up-- --and sees hundreds of minions partying! This is where all the abducted minions were taken! There are minions sitting at a Tiki bar, being tended by a bartender minion...

..The French maid minion and a ukelele-playing minion are dancing in the sand. They wave at him...
    Meanwhile, Jerry approaches the popsicle minion with two bananas. He gives him one, does a Hawaiian dance with the other, then runs off for the water. Popsicle minion tears off his overalls and follows suit.
    POPSICLE MINION
    Koonga!
    The Popsicle Minion, now nude, runs across the sand and jumps into a clear, blue ocean. We pull back to reveal that unbeknownst to any of the minions, this is all happening inside a large terrarium, and they are being watched by a mysterious figure in silhouette. INT: FAMILY ROOM - DAY Gru sits with his laptop. He's on the eVillain site. He clicks through various images of El Macho. Edith chases Kevin, who has the wig in his mouth. A minion sets a stack of magazines on the coffee table. Then "YOU ARE NO LONGER CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET" appears on Gru's screen. He grimaces and calls out.
    GRU
    Kevin, the wi-fi's out! Kevin?
    He looks to the minion at the coffee table.
    GRU
    Hey, Lance! Where the heck is Kevin?
    The minion just shrugs and walks away.
    GRU
    Alright, we need to revisit the number of vacation days you guys get. I can't find anybody anymore!
    DING-DONG! Someone's at the door. Gru turns to it.
    JILLIAN (O.S.)
    Gru! It's Jillian!
    Gru pretends to shoot himself.
    JILLIAN (O.S.)
    I've got good news!
    EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - SAME Jillian and her artificially beautiful friend SHANNON stand outside on Gru's porch. Shannon texts on her phone, looking bored.
    JILLIAN
    I have my friend Shannon here with me! I was thinking you two could get some grub, you know, tear it up! See what happens!
    INT: GRU'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
    JILLIAN (O.S.)
    Uhh, open up!
    He sees Agnes walking by, singing softly and playing with her unicorn. He whisper-shouts to her.
    GRU
    Agnes! Agnes! Tell Jillian I'm not here!
    Agnes turns to the door.
    AGNES
    Gru's not here!
    JILLIAN
    Are you sure?
    AGNES
    Yes! He just told me!
    Gru, panicking, shakes his head and wags his fingers.
    AGNES
    I mean no, he didn't just tell me!
    JILLIAN
    (laughs)
    Agnes--where is Gru?
    Gru makes the "zip your lips" gesture.
    AGNES
    He's putting on lipstick!
    Gru waves his arms.
    AGNES
    He's swatting at flies!
    Gru waves his hand around his throat, making a "cut it off" gesture.
    AGNES
    He's...chopping his head off!
    Gru clenches his fists and grunts in frustration.
    AGNES
    He's...pooping?
    Outside, Jillian and Shannon look confused.
    JILLIAN (O.S.)
    I know you're in there, Gru! There's no way you're getting out of this!
    Kyle enters the room, carrying the bag with the wig in his mouth. EXT: RESTAURANT - NIGHT Establishing. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Shannon sits at a table talking to Gru, who's offscreen. A waiter drops off a plate of spaghetti.
    SHANNON
    I have to tell you, I was so nervous about tonight. I mean there's just so many phonies out there!
    CUT TO Gru sitting across from her. Wearing a ridiculous WIG from Floyd. And looking extremely uncomfortable.
    GRU
    Yes, I hear you.
    (awkwardly laughs)
    SHANNON
    Oh, so do you work out?
    GRU
    Well...
    SHANNON
    I mean, obviously, you don't, but would you consider it? Huh?
    SHANNON
    Physical fitness is very important to Shannon. As you can tell, right? Huh?
    Shannon drops to the floor and starts doing push-ups.
    GRU
    Ah. I can tell.
    SHANNON
    (mid-push-up)
    Solid.
    She switches to one-armed push-ups.
    GRU
    We are in a restaurant, you know.
    Gru looks even more uncomfortable. Just then Lucy (unseen by Gru) enters the restaurant. She approaches the HOSTESS.
    LUCY
    Hi. Takeout for Lucy?
    HOSTESS
    Sure, just a sec.
    The Hostess leaves. Lucy looks around and then spots Gru. Sees him with the wig and Shannon who is now doing crunches on the floor. Lucy narrows her eyes, then has an idea. She presses a button on her watch, which transforms into a HIGH TECH EAVESDROPPING DEVICE, and puts it in her ear. Now she's able to hear Gru and Shannon talking. She watches them, intrigued. Shannon has returned to her seat.
    SHANNON
    Your accent is so exotic.
    GRU
    Ah. Well, thank you very much. I was--
    SHANNON
    I know someone who can fix that for you. And you'll be talking normal in no time.
    Gru is starting to sweat.
    GRU
    Hahaha. Hoooo. Is it hot in here? Oof. How's the food?
    He wipes his brow and accidentally shifts the wig on his head. Shannon stares at Gru's hair.
    SHANNON
    Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you wearing a wig?
    GRU
    (really sweating it)
    What? Ah!
    (readjusts the wig)
    I don't think so.
    SHANNON
    I knew it. You're a phony. I hate phonies.
    GRU
    Oh. What? No. These locks are all mine...
    SHANNON
    No they're not! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna rip that thing off your head and show everyone what a bald-headed phony you are.
    LUCY
    I don't think so, Miss Lady.
    Lucy presses a button on her watch and a target sight pops out. Gru watches in horror as Shannon reaches across the table for the wig. Quickly Lucy presses another button on her watch which fires a MINI-DART GUN at Shannon. PLIP. The mini-dart goes into Shannon's butt, knocking her out instantly. And saving Gru from certain humiliation. Gru stares at the now sleeping Shannon, confused.
    GRU
    Hello... Hello, are you...?
    LUCY (O.S.)
    Hey, Gru.
    Gru quickly removes the wig.
    GRU
    Hello, Lucy, how you doin'...?
    LUCY
    (noticing Shannon)
    Wow, looks like your date's out for the count. It's like she's been shot with a mild moose tranquilizer.
    Shannon MOANS like a MOOSE, then passes out again.
    LUCY
    (winks)
    Yeah, I'm winking 'cuz that's what actually happened.
    AN ITALIAN WAITER approaches.
    ITALIAN WAITER
    (re: Shannon)
    'Scusi, whassa happenin' here? She no like?
    LUCY
    Oh, she's just uh--
    (makes drinking gesture)
    The waiter nods and leaves.
    ITALIAN WAITER
    (laughs)
    Oh, oh, si, si...
    Lucy turns to Gru.
    LUCY
    Shall we take her home?
    EXT: RESTAURANT - NIGHT Gru and Lucy carry an unconscious Shannon out of the restaurant. Her head gets stuck in the swinging doors on the way out. They try to dislodge her and accidentally end up throwing her headfirst into a lamp post. They pick her up between them, Weekend at Bernie's-style. They wave to a passing COP. The cop tips his hat. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - LATER Gru and Lucy get in her car. But it's cramped with Shannon in there too. She doesn't really fit. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - LATER Lucy's car drives down the street. Gru and Lucy now have plenty of room in the car. We boom up to see that Shannon has been strapped to the roof like a deer. EXT: SHANNON'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gru and Lucy arrive at Shannon's house. Lucy comes to an abrupt stop and Shannon flies off the roof and slams into the car in front of them. EXT: SHANNON'S HOUSE - LATER Gru and Lucy sit on the front steps of Shannon's house.
    LUCY
    Well, I think you did it. You just officially had the worst date ever.
    GRU
    Huh, tell me about it.
    LUCY
    Don't worry--it can only get better from here, right? But if it doesn't, you can always borrow my dart gun. I've had to use it on one or two dates myself.
    GRU
    Yeah, you know, as far as dates go, I think I'm good with just the one.
    Gru and Lucy exchange looks. He CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY. Time to go.
    LUCY
    Well, good night, partner.
    She pats his shoulder and walks toward her car. Gru gets up to walk beside her.
    LUCY
    This was fun.
    GRU
    Yes. Surprisingly, it was.
    LUCY
    Oh, and uh, just between you and me? You look much better bald.
    They smile at each other, and she gives him a peck on the cheek and walks away.
    LUCY
    See you tomorrow!
    Gru smiles a big smile. Shannon slumps over on the porch behind him. Could he be...falling in love? INT: GRU'S BEDROOM - SAME RIIIING! Gru's ALARM CLOCK goes off. He reaches out and turns it off. Ready to greet the day. INT: SHOWER - DAY Gru happily washes in the shower, acting out a puppet show with his rubber ducky.
    GRU
    Quack! Quack! Quack!
    INT: BATHROOM - DAY Gru brushes his teeth with two toothbrushes. He jokingly arranges them in his mouth like walrus tusks, then BARKS like a seal. INT: KITCHEN - DAY HEART-SHAPED PANCAKES are served to the girls sitting at the table. Edith makes a face at getting hers.
    AGNES
    Yeah!
    MARGO
    So I take it the date went well?
    GRU
    No! It was horrible!
    He laughs gleefully. The girls exchange looks. What? Then he skips out of the room, dancing with a minion in the kitchen. Agnes's face lights up. Yes! EXT: STREET - DAY Gru makes his way to work--on foot: --he strolls down the sidewalk. --he passes a MAILMAN and gives him a high five.
    GRU
    High-five!
    Then a POLICEMAN, with whom he exchanges mimed gunfire. Then a NUN, with whom he bumps rumps.
    GRU
    Bump it.
    Seeing something offscreen, Gru GASPS. --he stops traffic so a happy family of DUCKS can cross the street. --he plays ultimate frisbee with a bunch of COLLEGE KIDS, balancing the spinning disc on his pointy nose. --he joins a group of OLD LADIES doing Tai Chi. --he "air" drums with a couple of BUCKET DRUMMERS on the curb. --he picks a flower, then walks by a MAN and a WOMAN sitting alone with their backs to each other at a cafe. He quickly turns their chairs around so they find each other and hands the man the flower for the woman. They smile and Gru goes his merry way. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gru continues happily dancing through the mall on his way to the cupcake shop. He shimmies with a FAT WOMAN on the escalator, then GAPS and stops suddenly upon seeing Eagle Hair Club closed. The MUSIC abruptly ends. Gru sees Silas speaking with an AVL AGENT. Gru approaches him.
    GRU
    (confused)
    Mr. Ramsbottom?
    SILAS
    Oh, hello.
    GRU
    What are you doing here?
    SILAS
    We got him.
    GRU
    Got who?
    SILAS
    Floyd Eaglesan! Our agents located a secret room in his shop last night, and uh, discovered this!
    He snaps his fingers and an AVL agent hands him a METAL CANISTER in a ziploc bag. Silas holds it up.
    SILAS
    It's empty, but we found traces of the PX-41 serum in it. He's our man. So somehow, in spite of your incompetence, we solved this one.
    TWO AVL AGENTS carry Floyd away in handcuffs.
    FLOYD
    I was framed! You won't get away with this! Get your mitts off of me! I am a legitimate businessman!
    Gru turns back to Silas. He is stunned by this.
    GRU
    Ah. Alright. So...what now?
    SILAS
    Well, now you're free to go back to your "business." Mmmm. Jams and jellies. And it looks like Agent Wilde will be transferring to our Australian branch.
    GRU
    (in shock)
    Australia...?
    SILAS
    Yes. But thank you--for everything. And by everything of course I mean...nothing.
    (beat)
    Toodle pip and cheerio, Mr. Gru.
    Silas walks away to join the AVL agents. Gru stares blankly, sadly. And then Lucy approaches him.
    LUCY
    Hey there.
    GRU
    Hey.
    LUCY
    So...we got him.
    GRU
    Yay. That's great.
    (beat)
    And now you're going to Australia?
    LUCY
    Well, it's not definite yet. Still figuring it out. Already been working on my accent.
    (Australian accent)
    Wallaby. Diggeri-doo. Hugh Jackman.
    (beat)
    So...um. Pretty excited...
    GRU
    Great. Well...good luck.
    LUCY
    Thanks. You too.
    (remembering)
    Oh. Here. I wanted to give you this.
    She holds out her lipstick taser.
    GRU
    Your lipstick taser?
    LUCY
    Yeah, it's just a memento. Just, you know, from the first time we met.
    GRU
    Oh. Thank you, Lucy.
    Gru accepts the lipstick taser.
    SILAS (O.S.)
    Agent Wilde!
    Lucy ignores this and just waits, not wanting to leave. She and Gru stand there awkwardly.
    GRU
    Well... it looks like they need you, so...
    LUCY
    Yeah, I uh, I better go. Bye, Gru.
    And she leaves Gru. He stands there. Completely miserable. EXT: STREET - DAY Gru walks back home, completely depressed. Walks past the college kids playing frisbee. Catches the frisbee and tosses it down the sewer. Walks past the group of bucket drummers. As he passes he KICKS one of the buckets. Walks past the old ladies doing Tai Chi. As they balance on one leg he pushes them all and they all fall over. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Gru sits alone outside his house. Miserable. And then an UMBRELLA approaches him. It looks like it's traveling on its own. But when it gets closer it lifts up, revealing Agnes.
    AGNES
    I brought you an umbrella.
    Gru takes the umbrella and Agnes joins him. They both huddle under it.
    GRU
    Ah, thank you.
    AGNES
    What're you doing out here?
    GRU
    Remember when you said that I liked Lucy? Well, it turns out...you're right.
    Agnes's face lights up.
    AGNES
    Really?
    GRU
    Yes, but...well, she's moving away.
    (sadly)
    I'm never going to see her again.
    Agnes's face falls. All her hopes and dreams shattered. But she tries to encourage Gru.
    AGNES
    Is there anything I can do to help?
    GRU
    Oh, I don't--I don't think so, sweetheart.
    AGNES
    Well, is there anything you could do?
    Gru thinks. INT: GRU'S OFFICE - DAY Gru is on the PHONE.
    GRU
    "Hello, Lucy. This is Gru. I know up to this point our relationship has been strictly professional, and you're leaving for Australia and all, but..."
    (struggles to get it out)
    Okay, here is the question. "Would you like to--to go out on a date?"
    PULL BACK TO REVEAL Dave the minion standing across from Gru, pretending to be on a cell phone on the other end of the line. And wearing a RED-HAIRED WIG. He shrugs.
    DAVE
    Eh, no.
    GRU
    Okay, that's not helping.
    He hangs up.
    GRU
    All right. Here we go. For real this time.
    He stares at Lucy's card. Then turns to the phone. It's a stand-off. He does stretches and calisthenics to psych himself up. He SIGHS.
    GRU
    I can do this.
    He stares down the phone again. It sits there, taunting him. We cut back and forth between Gru and the phone, until finally--
    GRU
    Agh! I hate you!
    He produces a FLAMETHROWER and burns up the phone. Dave dives out of the way.
    GRU
    (satisfied)
    Ah.
    RIIIIIING !!! The FIRE ALARM goes off. CHOP! Suddenly AXES chop through the wall. Several minions in FIREMEN'S GEAR enter. Another minion imitates a siren through a bullhorn.
    SIREN MINION
    Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Beedo!
    One continues chopping everything in sight with his axe, then chops his way right through the wall of the house and falls outside. Another minion brings in a MASSIVE HOSE, turns it on, and goes flying around the room as it whips around like a snake. Dave tests out a fire extinguisher.
    SIREN MINION
    Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Beedo!
    Gru takes away the bullhorn from the Siren minion. But he keeps on making the noise.
    SIREN MINION
    Beedo! Beedo! Beedo!
    Dave fires the extinguisher at the Siren minion. He makes the noise again and Dave sprays him with the fire extinguisher, sending him flying offscreen. INT: MINION BEACH HABITAT - DAY The minions enjoy another day at the beach. Kevin the Golf minion drifts out in the water on an inner tube. He fixes his coconut bra, then unpeels a banana and eats it. INT: CONTROL ROOOM - SAME A hand pulls a lever in a control room. INT: MINION BEACH HABITAT - SAME Suddenly a WHIRLPOOL appears in the water right next to him. He gets sucked into it. Kevin is pulled down to the bottom of the habitat and into a TUBE. INT: LAB - SAME Kevin pops out of the tube and lands in a waiting metallic chair. His hat follows him down the tube and lands on his head. CLICK! A metal strap fastens around his waist. He shrugs and continues to eat the banana.
    FRENCH MAID MINION (O.S.)
    Kevin?
    Kevin looks over and sees the French Maid Minion strapped into a chair nearby. He has a banana too.
    KEVIN
    Tom?
    They raise their bananas in the air.
    KEVIN & FRENCH MAID MINION
    Bello! Compai!
    And then a GIANT DEVICE appears, looking like a huge, scary HYPODERMIC NEEDLE filled with purple liquid. The needle comes toward the French Maid Minion.
    FRENCH MAID MINION
    (to the needle)
    Compai!
    The needle is injected into him and administers the serum. The French Maid Minion starts to shake. Contorts. Then MORPHS into a PURPLE MINION.
    PURPLE FRENCH MAID MINION
    Blaaah!
    Kevin points and LAUGHS at him. He doesn't see the needle come down behind him. It injects him with the serum as well.
    KEVIN
    Oh...
    EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - DAY Gru's vehicle makes its way up the winding road to Eduardo's house. INT: GRU'S VEHICLE - SAME Gru drives the vehicle, looking deeply depressed. The girls sit in the back, dressed up for the Cinco de Mayo party.
    MARGO, EDITH & AGNES
    Cinco de May-yay-yo! Cinco de May- yay-yo! Cinco de May-yay-yo!
    Gru's expression doesn't change. They pull up to the front gate. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE GATE - SAME Gru's vehicle pulls up in front of the open gate in front of Eduardo's house. His car almost knocks a bunch of parked cars off the cliff. The grounds are set up for the most elaborate and fun Cinco de Mayo party of all time. Sumptuous spreads of MEXICAN FOOD everywhere. LANTERNS hanging from trees. PEOPLE having a great time. Gru and the girls enter the compound.
    EDITH
    Whoa! This place is awesome!
    GRU
    Okay. Let's party. Ah? But first let's go over the rules. Because what is fun without the rules?
    On Agnes with her mouth and arms full of churros.
    GRU
    Agnes, easy on the churros.
    On Edith, swinging her ninja sword.
    GRU
    Edith, try not to kill anyone.
    EDITH
    Hai!
    GRU
    Margo--
    As Gru turns to Margo he sees that she is holding hands with Antonio, face-to-face, almost close enough to kiss.
    ANTONIO
    Hello, Mr. Gru.
    Gru furrows his brow.
    GRU
    Aghhh! Okay...
    He grabs Antonio and drags him far away from Margo.
    MARGO
    Gru!
    GRU
    There must be the standard six feet of space between you and boys.
    (re: Antonio)
    Especially this boy.
    Gru turns and sees that Antonio is back next to Margo.
    ANTONIO
    (laughs)
    You are a funny man. There are no rules, Señor! It's Cinco De Mayo!
    (to girls)
    Come on! They're starting the dance!
    He grabs Margo's hand and takes off. Edith and Agnes follow. Agnes explodes with delight.
    AGNES
    (rolling her r like crazy)
    Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriba!
    Gru watches them go. Frowns. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru, sneaking through the party, spots Antonio and Margo dancing. Gru sneaks up on Antonio, using the flashing strobe lights to cover his approach. Suddenly Antonio is gone and Gru is the one dancing with Margo, who has her back to him and is oblivious to what's going on. Antonio reappears and kicks Gru in the crotch from behind. He dances once again with Margo while Gru hunches over in pain. Gru then gets the upper hand and starts choking Antonio and shaking him. Margo turns around and sees this. Gru and Antonio see they are being watched by Margo and start casually dancing next to each other as if nothing is wrong. As the song ends, Margo takes Antonio's hand and pulls him away from Gru off the dance floor. Gru is defeated and all alone. INT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru sits by himself in the corner, sulking and staring at Lucy's lipstick taser. A WAITER walks by and places a tortilla chip sombrero on his head with the rim filled with guacamole. He breaks off a piece, dips it, and eats it.
    EDUARDO (O.S.)
    So glad you could make it, mi compadre.
    Gru looks up and sees Eduardo standing there. Gru quickly hides the taser.
    EDUARDO
    (sensing something's wrong)
    Hey, what's wrong?
    GRU
    Oh, nothing. Nothing is wrong. I'm just chilling with the guac...from my chip hat.
    Gru takes another scoop of guacamole, smiles, and gives a thumbs up. A glob of guacamole falls from the sombrero. Eduardo puts his arm around him.
    EDUARDO
    Gru, please. I know that look all too well. It is the look of a broken heart.
    GRU
    How did you know?
    EDUARDO
    Believe me, my friend, I too have spent many nights trying to drown my sorrows in guacamole.
    GRU
    You?
    EL MACHO
    Yes. But we are survivors. There's much more to us than meets the eye. Enjoy the party.
    Eduardo gives Gru a meaningful look. And then walks away. Gru watches him go. Deep in thought. Gru notices Eduardo suspiciously sneak away from the party and head into the house. Gru gets up from the table and follows Eduardo. As he walks through the party, several partygoers break tortilla pieces off his sombrero to eat. INT: EDUARDO HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Eduardo enters a dimly-lit room. Gru sneaks behind and peers through a crack in the door. INT: SECRET MAYAN ROOM - CONTINUOUS Eduardo stands in the center of a secret room, which is lined with Mayan-style totem poles. He dances on the tile floor, which lights up and plays "La Cucaracha" with each strategic step. The musical pattern is a code which opens a secret passageway through the largest totem's mouth. Eduardo enters and the mouth closes behind him. Gru tentatively enters the room. He pauses at the tile floor. He tries to replicate Eduardo's "La Cucaracha" code, but a glob of guacamole from his sombrero falls to the floor and hits the wrong tile. This activates a booby-trapped totem pole, which halves Gru's sombrero with a spear.
    GRU
    What the--oh!
    Gru observes the destroyed sombrero in his hands.
    GRU
    Huh.
    Gru attempts the code again, but missteps. An axe from the wall swings at him and misses.
    GRU
    Oooh!
    Gru missteps again and one of the totems lights up and spits fire at him, burning his face.
    GRU
    (dazed)
    Aaaahhh...
    He missteps again and a club whacks him over the head.
    GRU
    Oh!
    One of the totems shoots darts at him, piercing his nose.
    GRU
    (in pain)
    Aaaahhh!
    Gru falls to the floor.
    GRU
    Oooohhh.
    His head hits the correct tile, and the Mayan passageway opens. Gru walks to the door, pointing at the totems and gloating.
    GRU
    Aha! Ha ha ha--
    The passageway doors slam on his arm.
    GRU
    (in pain)
    Oh!
    He pulls his crushed arm through the doors.
    GRU
    Ouch!
    EXT: SKY - DAY A 747 jets through the sky. INT: AIRPLANE - SAME Lucy sits alone and stares out the window. Depressed. She SIGHS. She grabs an in flight magazine and opens it up to an ad for wristwatches. It reads; "IN THE SKY, HE IS THE ONE MAN EVERYONE CAN TRUST" and shows a picture of Gru giving the thumbs up in a cockpit.
    LUCY
    Say what?
    Lucy reacts, shakes her head, and now the picture is just a regular airline pilot in the cockpit. Lucy turns the page. It's another ad, saying simply "Gru Now!" and showing a picture of a muscular Gru diving from a waterfall. She GASPS and slams the magazine shut, then slowly reopens it to find the picture is really just a random muscular guy diving. It says "GO NOW - TO HAWAII!"
    FLIGHT ATTENDANT (O.S.)
    Would you like some peanuts or pretzels?
    Lucy looks up from her magazine to see the flight attendant, who looks like Gru. She REACTS. Then looks across the aisle and sees a lady that looks and sounds like Gru, talking to another man who looks like Gru.
    FEMALE GRU PASSENGER
    Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good joke.
    Then Lucy looks behind her and sees the young mother looks like Gru. The baby turns around and also looks like Gru.
    GRU BABY
    I just did a boom boom.
    The flight attendant tries to get Lucy's attention.
    FLIGHT ATTENDANT
    I really need you to make a choice, hon.
    Close on Lucy as she has a moment of epiphany.
    LUCY
    I choose Gru.
    (to everyone)
    I CHOOSE GRU! Lucy runs to the exit door and flings it open. WOOSH! Air rushes throughout the cabin.
    LUCY
    Thank you, Gru stewardess!
    The flight attendant stands up, recovering from her twirl.
    FLIGHT ATTENDANT
    You're welcome!
    The other passengers wave as the plane's oxygen masks fall from each overhead console. And with that, Lucy jumps from the plane, holding her purse. EXT: SKY - DAY As Lucy falls from the sky she presses a button on her purse and it transforms into a hanglider. She flies off with purpose. INT: TUNNEL - DAY Elevator doors open revealing EL MACHO'S UNDERGROUND LAIR. Gru stands in the doorway, pulling the dart out of his nose. The lair is a massive villainous complex that looks a lot like hell. Gru takes the place in. It's awesome and terrifying. The magnet ship is there!
    EDUARDO (O.S.)
    You have not lost your touch, my friend.
    Gru turns around and sees Eduardo dressed in El Macho's old wrestling outfit, like we saw in the flashback.
    GRU
    Ha ha! I knew it! You are El Macho!
    EL MACHO
    That's right!
    GRU
    Nobody believed me! Ho ho! But I knew you weren't dead!
    EL MACHO
    (laughing)
    Of course not. I merely faked my death, ha, ha!
    (beat)
    But now it's time for me to make a spectacular return to evil! Doctor, I think it's time we showed Gru what we're up to here.
    Standing in the middle of the lair's walkway is the one, the only...Dr. Nefario.
    GRU
    Dr. Nefario?
    DR. NEFARIO
    Nice to see you, Gru.
    GRU
    Whaaat? This-- So, this is your new job opportunity?
    DR. NEFARIO
    Absolutely. You're gonna like this.
    Dr. Nefario pulls a lever. A platform rises with the Purple Minion version of Kevin strapped to a chair on it.
    EL MACHO
    Sorry--I had to borrow some of your minions, but it was for a worthy cause.
    GRU
    Oh! Kevin? Agh!
    EL MACHO
    No, he's not Kevin anymore. Now he is an indestructible, mindless killing machine!
    KEVIN
    Blah!
    EL MACHO
    Just watch this!
    He then presses a BUTTON. --a machine gun lowers and the purple minion's RIDDLED with BULLETS, but unhurt. --a FLAMETHROWER shoots fire at the purple minion, but he's completely unharmed. --an axe is swung at him, but he just eats it. --an atom bomb falls on him, but he just swallows it and it explodes harmlessly in his belly. --a POLICE CAR is dropped onto him, and he devours it whole. Gru stares, stunned.
    EL MACHO
    And here's the best part! I've got an ARMY OF THEM!
    The lights come on above El Macho, revealing hundreds of caged PURPLE MINIONS. Gru can't believe his eyes. El Macho LAUGHS.
    EL MACHO
    Soon I will unleash them on the world--and if anyone, anyone, tries to stop them...YEOW! Their city gets eaten!
    (beat)
    We can do it together!
    GRU
    Together?
    EL MACHO
    Together! I have admired your work for years, amigo. Stealing the moon?! Are you kidding?! We would be unstoppable! Men like you, men like me, we should be ruling the world!
    (excitedly)
    So, are you in?
    Dr. Nefario pops a celebratory noisemaker in the background.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Woo-hoo!
    El Macho eagerly awaits Gru's reply. Gru just stares at him. How does he get out of this?
    GRU
    Uh...yeah...probably...
    El Macho is taken aback.
    EL MACHO
    Probably?
    Gru realizes he's in danger and quickly tries to backpedal.
    GRU
    I mean, yes! Yes. Of course, yes, I just have a lot going on right now...I just need to get some things off my plate before we start taking over the world, that's all.
    EL MACHO
    'Scuse me?
    GRU
    No--no, forget it! One hundred percent! I am in!
    (pretending to hear something)
    I think--what is--do you hear that-- I do. That's Agnes calling me from on the surf--
    Gru steps into the elevator and the door shuts. Then opens. He's frantically trying to press the button that will return him to the surface.
    GRU
    Totally in!
    The doors close and Gru is gone. El Macho stares, deep in thought. Clearly suspicious.
    EL MACHO
    You know what? I am not so convinced that he is in.
    El Macho presses a button that releases the Purple Minion.
    KEVIN
    Blah!
    EXT: EL MACHO'S HOUSE - SAME Edith knocks a piñata down with a BAT, then beats the crap out of it.
    GRU
    Edith! Agnes! Come on!
    SMACK! Edith accidentally hits Gru in the face with the bat.
    GRU
    Ooof!
    Edith takes off her blindfold.
    EDITH
    Sorry.
    GRU
    We need to go home now! Where's Margo?
    AGNES
    But I didn't get a turn!
    EXT: OTHER SIDE OF EL MACHO'S HOUSE - DAY Margo sits at a table alone and depressed, wearing the chip hat. She looks like she's been crying.
    GRU
    Margo!
    Gru approaches her with the other girls in tow.
    GRU
    Come on, we're leav--hey, what's wrong?
    MARGO
    I hate boys.
    Gru turns and sees Antonio dancing with a PRETTY GIRL. Gru frowns.
    GRU
    Yes...they stink. Sorry, honey, we've got to go.
    He takes her hand and leads her offscreen before popping back into frame and firing the freeze ray at Antonio. We see he is now frozen in a block of ice. EXT: EL MACHO'S DRIVEWAY - DAY SCREEECH! Gru's car pulls out of the driveway and speeds down the mountain, just as Lucy's hang glider lands at Eduardo's. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - DAY Lucy looks around, but doesn't see Gru. She maneuvers her way through the crowd.
    LUCY
    Oops, sorry!
    She makes it through, but still no sign of Gru. Suddenly Pollito appears and exchanges looks with Lucy. He SCREECHES and flies towards her. She strikes a martial arts pose ready to defend herself. As she does, her purse falls to the ground. The attack never comes and she looks down to see Pollito pecking at her purse.
    EL MACHO (O.S.)
    Pollito! What's the matter?
    El Macho appears and picks up the chicken, petting it.
    LUCY
    Oh, hey! Eduardo!
    EL MACHO
    Lucia! I apologize. Pollito, he's usually not like this. The same thing happened the other day with... with Gru and...
    El Macho drops off, deep in thought. Connecting the dots. Lucy is oblivious.
    LUCY
    Oh, speaking of Gru...uh, have you seen him? I really need to talk to him.
    EL MACHO
    Yes, I think he's somewhere around here. You two are close, no?
    LUCY
    Oh, I don't know. I mean close... I wouldn't say we were close. Why, did he say we were close? Did he say that?
    EL MACHO
    It's more what he didn't say. For instance, he never mentioned...that you were both working for the Anti- Villain League!!!
    Suddenly El Macho turns Pollito around revealing that he has her AVL credentials in his beak. El Macho grabs Lucy.
    EL MACHO
    (threateningly)
    You're coming with me.
    He leads her away.
    LUCY
    Hey!
    We see Dr. Nefario watching this, in shock. He's holding a drink and a Mexican flag cupcake.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Crikey.
    EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY The vehicle pulls into the driveway. INT: GRU'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Gru walks the girls into the family room. Two minions sit in front of the big screen TV playing a video game.
    EDITH
    So Eduardo's actually El Macho? Cool!
    GRU
    No, it is not cool. Plus, I pretty much knew it was him all along, so if anyone's cool, it's me.
    The BIGSCREEN TV BEEPS. Gru and the others turn to look. It's Dr. Nefario. He's at El Macho's, whispering and looking anxiously around him from under a table.
    DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN)
    (whispering)
    Gru!
    GRU
    Well, Dr. Nefario...
    DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN)
    (hurriedly)
    El Macho's on to you. He knows you're working for the AVL. And he's got your partner!
    Gru is confused.
    GRU
    Lucy? Wha--that's impossible! She's on her way to Australia...
    EL MACHO (O.S.)
    Nefario!
    Dr. Nefario looks nervously offscreen. El Macho's coming.
    DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN)
    Sorry, gotta go!
    Nefario disconnects the camera. The screen goes blank. Agnes GASPS and turns to Gru.
    AGNES
    He's got Lucy?
    GRU
    (determined)
    Not for long.
    Gru begins to walk out of the room. He turns to the minions.
    GRU
    Come on.
    (beat)
    We're getting her out of there.
    Gru marches out of the room, fire in his eyes. A man on a mission. To save the woman he loves. The minions are visibly disappointed to leave their video game. One of them clutches the controller in his hand and continues to play until the moment he exits the frame. INT: GRU'S GARAGE - DAY Gru gets on his motorcycle. It's the GRUCYCLE, a Gru-style motorcycle, like Arnold in Terminator 2. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY A playhouse in Gru's front yard drops away, revealing a hatch in the ground. Out drives Gru. Two minions sit behind him holding on. He speeds down the road. Ready to kick some butt. EXT: EL MACHO'S COMPOUND - DAY The yard is now filled with ROCKET SHIPS. From behind, we watch El Macho emerge from his home to survey the troops. Some minions file into the rocket ships. El Macho watches them and LAUGHS maniacally. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY EVIL MINION POV: The evil minion Kevin runs down the street, nearing Gru's house. He is scared by his own reflection in a shiny parked car. He spots a tricycle and eats it. Then Kyle spots him and GROWLS. Kyle runs off and evil minion Kevin gives chase. He stops when he sees the front door. INT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY Margo and Agnes sit on the floor playing a princess board game. Next to Agnes is her unicorn. They hear a SCRATCHING SOUND outside the window. Agnes looks scared.
    AGNES
    What was that?
    Margo stands up. Makes her way toward the window, which is covered with drapes. Then reaches a nervous hand and pulls back the drapes.
    MARGO
    I don't see anything.
    Suddenly, evil minion Kevin appears at the window, looking really scary! Margo SCREAMS. SMASH! Evil minion Kevin crashes through the window and lands in the family room surrounded by shattered glass and tangled up in the curtain. He turns to the girls, who slowly back away. He looks at Agnes and ROARS.
    MARGO
    Run!
    Margo grabs Agnes and they run out of the room, accidentally dropping the stuffed unicorn behind. Agnes stops and runs back for it.
    AGNES
    My unicorn!
    MARGO
    Agnes, no!
    Agnes stops and sees evil minion Kevin already has it in his mouth. Agnes screams a crazy HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM. It SHATTERS all the glass in the room, including the glass in evil minion Kevin's goggles. He spits out the unicorn. He is slowed him down for a bit, so Agnes safely grabs the unicorn, and Margo grabs Agnes's hand. They run for the elevator to the lower level, with the purple minion hot on their tails. The elevator drops just in time. Evil minion Kevin slams into the glass door. INT: GRU'S LAB - SAME Margo and Agnes run into the lab to find half a dozen minions milling about.
    MARGO
    C'mon! Hurry!
    AGNES
    Whoa!
    Edith plays ping-pong with the minions using nun-chucks like Bruce Lee. Margo shuts the big iron door. Edith and the minions stare back at Margo.
    EDITH
    What's the matter?
    CRASH! The purple minion has eaten its way through the ceiling!
    AGNES
    Whoa!
    It drops down into the lab and lands on a dazed yellow minion. The girls SCREAM as it jumps up and dashes towards them. Evil minion Kevin stomps toward the girls. They are backed into a corner. It's all over. Then suddenly a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE enters frame and injects evil minion Kevin. He falls over, writhing on the floor. Then he sits up and-- Has turned back into a YELLOW MINION. It's Kevin!
    KEVIN
    Ooh-la-la! Pilatos?
    AGNES
    Kevin!
    The other minions dog pile on him with friendly hugs.
    MARGO
    Dr. Nefario! You're back!
    Reveal Dr. Nefario holding the needle.
    DR. NEFARIO
    In the flesh.
    Nefario produces a VIAL filled with YELLOW LIQUID.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Behold, the antidote!
    He walks over to a vat of the jelly.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Come on. Let's finally put this horrible jelly to some good use.
    He pours the antidote into the vat. EXT: EL MACHO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru makes his way up the road leading to El Macho's house. He is wearing handcuffs, and being led at spear-point by Dave and Stuart, who have been painted purple to look like Evil minions. But they are goofing around and giggling. And they still have a few yellow spots.
    GRU
    Hey, guys. Come on! Stay focused here!
    The minions somber up.
    MINIONS
    Okay, okay.
    Gru covers a smeared yellow spot with purple paint. They approach the front gate, which is closed. Dave boosts himself onto a stray box and speaks gibberish into the intercom. He hears Evil Minion gibberish in response. He responds back in Evil Minion gibberish. The intercom buzzes and the gate begins to open. The gate opens and there are DOZENS of PURPLE MINIONS milling about. They eye Gru and his captors suspiciously. Dave and Stuart poke Gru with a spear.
    GRU
    (attempting to act)
    Curses. Foiled again. These guys captured me.
    The Evil Minions CHEER at seeing this. Gru, Dave and Stuart have to walk all the way to the house surrounded on all sides by evil purple minions. The painted yellow minions are very nervous. The purple minions eye them as they pass. They GROWL and the yellow minions attempt to GROWL back. It's extremely intense, but it looks like they're going to make it. Then one of the evil minions makes a slobbery raspberry at one of the painted ones. They get into a raspberry fight until the painted minion is grossed out and tries to rub the slobber off him. It rubs off the purple paint. One of the evil purple minions points and SCREAMS. They're exposed! All of the purple minions run towards Gru, Dave and Stuart. Teeth bared. Ready to chomp.
    GRU
    Run!
    They take off running. EXT: EL MACHO'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS Gru and the yellow minions burst into El Macho's backyard. The Evil Minions give chase.
    GRU
    Up that tree! Hurry, hurry!
    They climb a tree up to the roof of the house, only to be pursued by more minions up there. And the Evil Minions have devoured the tree so they can't go back that way either. With no escape, Gru and the minions run up a tower until they reach the top--a dead end. Here come the purple minions. They're trapped. Gru kicks them away and the yellow minions try to fight off the purple ones. But they are clearly doomed. And then Gru's ship appears hovering above them! Modified as a jelly-dispensing weapon and with Dr. Nefario at the controls! The minions hang on the sides holding JELLY BLASTERS. The ship opens fire on the evil minions, transforming them. POP! POP! POP! POP! One by one they transform back into yellow minions. One of the Minions wipes the horrible tasting jelly off his tongue. Dr. Nefario sticks his head out the side of the ship.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Hello, Gru!
    GRU
    Hey, hey! Nice work, Dr. Nefario!
    Gru leaps onto the ship.
    DR. NEFARIO
    I put an antidote in the jelly.
    (beat)
    I mean, I'm happy to create an evil army to destroy the world, but nobody messes with my family.
    GRU
    Thank you, Doctor! Now let's go get the--
    Gru looks over to see Margo, Edith and Agnes onboard the ship, holding jelly blasters.
    AGNES
    Hi!
    Gru is flabbergasted. He turns to Nefario.
    GRU
    You brought the girls?
    DR. NEFARIO
    Yes!
    (beat)
    Oh. Was that wrong?
    Gru's ship flies toward El Macho, blasting purple minions all along the way. From behind a large jelly gun Edith unloads round after round.
    EDITH
    Wooooo! Yeeeaaahhh!
    El Macho witnesses his evil minions being converted back to regular ones.
    EL MACHO
    Oh no! What's happening to my minions?
    (beat)
    Gru?
    Gru turns to Nefario and the girls.
    GRU
    You guys take care of the rest of the minions.
    (beat)
    I'm going to find Lucy.
    Gru leaps out of the ship down to the roof El Macho is on. He has two big jelly weapons in his hands. Meanwhile the ship flies off with its jelly blasters firing, and comes to land on the ground below. The minions and the girls start jumping from the ship. Agnes takes aim.
    AGNES
    Eat jelly, you purple freaks! Waaaaah!
    Agnes' gun is a little too big for her and the kick sends her a bit out of control. But she still manages to hit a number of Evil Minions. The tide is turning. Meanwhile, Gru has gone ballistic on the evil minions. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He takes the remaining few out. El Macho kicks an evil minion at Gru, but he manages to hit it with jelly and transform it back to yellow. Gru holds his gun up to El Macho and gives him a threatening look.
    GRU
    It's over, El Macho. Now where is Lucy?
    EL MACHO
    (chuckles)
    Let me show you.
    He turns to a computer and pushes a button. A fountain stops spewing water and underneath it STEEL DOORS open from the ground. And out of them rises a ROCKET. Strapped to it is Lucy. Tied to a SHARK with TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS OF DYNAMITE strapped to her. Gru is horrified. He GASPS.
    LUCY
    Oh, hey Gru! Turns out you were right about the whole El Macho thing, huh?
    (unconvincingly)
    Yay!
    El Macho calls to Gru, brandishing a remote.
    EL MACHO
    One push of this button and I send that rocket straight into the same volcano where I faked my death. Only this time--it's for real!
    GRU
    (horrified)
    No!
    Dave swoops in on a rope and grabs the remote, Tarzan- style...
    DAVE
    Tally ho!
    But unfortunately he smacks a roof support and drops the remote. It bonks a bunch of minions on the head and lands on the ground. El Macho stares down Gru. Fire in his eyes.
    EL MACHO
    We could've ruled the world together, Gru. But now--you're gonna die.
    He pulls out a vial of PX-41 and drinks it. Gru GASPS. El Macho transforms into a giant, purple, furry creature. He ROARS. Gru pulls the trigger on his jelly gun, but he is out of ammunition. He then pulls out the FREEZE RAY and fires, encasing El Macho's fists in blocks of ice. El Macho GROWLS and slams his fists to the ground, shattering the ice and knocking Gru off the platform and onto a scaffolding. Gru SCREAMS. The scaffolding tips over. El Macho grabs the scaffolding and holds it above his head, ready to crush Gru. Suddenly Gru pulls out Lucy's lipstick taser and fires it at Purple El Macho! The jolt of electricity has him shaking and dancing and ultimately sizzling and smoking, until he finally collapses on the ground.
    GRU
    Lipstick taser!
    Lucy smiles at this.
    LUCY
    Aw...he copied me.
    Gru runs off to save her. The minions surround El Macho, cocking their jelly guns.
    EL MACHO
    (dazed)
    I am not afraid of your jelly guns.
    DR. NEFARIO
    Oh, this ain't a jelly gun, sunshine.
    Dr. Nefario fires the Fart Gun directly into El Macho's face, causing him to pass out. The minions CHEER, firing their jelly guns into the air. One of the minions stands on top of El Macho and poses for a big game hunter-style photo. Dr. Nefario smiles for the camera as well. Gru runs toward the rocket.
    LUCY
    Don't worry about me, Gru! I'll be fine. I have survived lots worse than this.
    (beat)
    Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm actually kind of freaking out up here!
    GRU
    Don't worry--I will get you out of this!
    Gru attempts to untie Lucy. And then sees Pollito has walked over to the remote. Gru and Lucy GASP. The chicken looks at Gru and Lucy, then pecks the button.
    GRU
    I really hate that chicken.
    The rocket blasts off into the air. The Minions and Girls watch in horror as Gru and Lucy fly off on the rocket. EXT: SKY - CONTINUOUS Gru uses his knife to cut Lucy's ropes. They SCREAM as the shark gets loose and falls down to a SUSHI BAR below where all of the CUSTOMERS and SUSHI CHEF CHEER. Meanwhile, on the rocket Gru rips a panel off the side, revealing a mess of WIRES inside.
    LUCY
    Is there a red one? It's usually the red one.
    Gru starts to pull out wires left and right. To no avail.
    LUCY
    Gru, anytime now!
    Gru GASPS, realizing they are approaching the VOLCANO. Time is running out. Death is imminent. He looks Lucy in the eyes.
    GRU
    Listen, Lucy--we may not get out of this alive, so I need to ask you a question.
    LUCY
    Uh, better make it quick!
    GRU
    If I'd asked you out on a date, what would you have said?
    LUCY
    Are you kidding me?! Yes!
    Gru smiles. Then realizes that the rocket is still careening toward the volcano. He grabs Lucy.
    GRU
    JUMP!!!
    Gru and Lucy grab hands and leap off the rocket. The rocket plunges into the volcano. Gru and Lucy plummet through the air. KA-BLAAAAM!!! The volcano explodes in a massive tempest of fire and smoke and lava. The impact of the blast hits Gru and Lucy and sends them flying. SPLASH! They hit the water. BAM! BOOM! The volcano continues exploding. SPLASH! Gru emerges, soaking and out of breath. Fire and lava flying all around him. He can't find Lucy.
    GRU
    Oh! Lucy!
    (looks around, panicking)
    Lucy! Where are you?!
    After a few moments, Lucy also emerges. Gru is incredibly relieved.
    GRU
    Oh, Lucy!
    LUCY
    Gru!
    Lucy smiles and hugs Gru. They both go underwater. Then come back up. Sputtering. And in love.
    LUCY
    Sorry...I guess you kind of need your arms to tread water, huh?
    The Minions appear in the rowboat.
    TOM
    ("Stroke!")
    Mack-oh! Mack-oh! Mack-oh!
    But they pass right by them.
    GRU
    They'll be back...
    TITLE CARD: 147 DATES LATER... Romantic music plays under the title card. EXT: HILLSIDE - DAY Four minions, dressed in matching suits, begin to sing a All- 4-One's "I Swear," pronounced "Underwear" in Minionese. We are at Gru and Lucy's wedding reception. We PULL BACK to the WEDDING CAKE, and then to Gru and Lucy dancing. As they dance we see all of the wedding guests watching: Gru's Mom, Dr. Nefario, Silas, Jillian, Shannon, Natalie, etc. Gru dips Lucy and they attempt their kiss, but their noses keep bumping. They finally manage to kiss and the crowd CHEERS. We see the three girls watching in their beautiful bridesmaid dresses. Agnes can barely contain her glee. PAN OVER TO Edith, who makes a face.
    EDITH
    Can I be the first to say--ewwww!
    The minions finish the song. The girls sit at their table. Agnes clearly has something on her mind. She SIGHS.
    AGNES
    Okay.
    She stands up on the table.
    AGNES
    Excuse me!
    Looks out at the crowd, but they can't hear her.
    AGNES
    Um...hi! Excuse me!
    She still doesn't have the crowd's attention, so Margo taps on her glass. Everyone looks to Agnes, who is visibly nervous.
    AGNES
    Uh...hi, everybody! I'd like to make some toast. Uh...
    She looks out at the crowd. Is really nervous. Looks over at Gru. He smiles. Mouths "okay." This helps, and Agnes pulls herself together and recites the Mothers Day poem from earlier.
    AGNES
    She um...she um, kisses my boo-boos. She braids my hair. We love you mothers, everywhere!
    Agnes turns to Lucy and looks her right in the eyes.
    AGNES
    And my new mom Lucy is beyond compare.
    Lucy smiles, melting. The crowd goes "awwwww." Agnes and Lucy spin around in a hug. The crowd cheers and applauds. Gru, Margo and Edith join Agnes and Lucy in a group hug. The family is complete.
    AGNES
    To the bride and Gru!
    A minion begins to spin The Village People's "YMCA" at the DJ table. The minions, several of whom are dressed as The Village People, begin to perform the song. The minion dressed as the Chiquita banana lady also joins in. Then the entire family boogies across the dance floor, including Dr. Nefario and Gru's Mom. I'M SO HAAAAPPPPYYYYYYY!!!! EXT: HILLSIDE - MOMENTS LATER A minion poses Gru, Lucy, and the girls for a formal picture. Everyone looks good. They all smile. CLICK! Another picture adds Gru's Mom, Dr. Nefario, and two minions to the group. CLICK! Another picture adds even more minions to the group. CLICK! An evil minion pops up and photobombs the last picture!
    EVIL MINION
    Blaaaaah!
    THE END

Summary: A mysterious aircraft steals a highly potent mutagen known as PX-41 from a secret laboratory in the Arctic Circle. Silas Ramsbottom, director of the Anti-Villain League (AVL), sends agent Lucy Wilde to recruit former supervillain Gru. Gru is forcibly brought to the AVL headquarters and asked by Ramsbottom to help them track down the culprit and recover the mutagen. However, Gru refuses, claiming that he is now a legitimate father and owner of a jelly-producing business. Later, Dr. Nefario, Gru's friend and assistant, quits to accept a more villainous job offer; this causes a reluctant Gru to decide to work with the AVL after all. He and Lucy are stationed at the Paradise Shopping Mall, with a cupcake store as their front. Gru immediately suspects that Mexican restaurant owner Eduardo Pérez might be "El Macho", a supervillain who supposedly died by riding a shark into an active volcano with 250 pounds of TNT strapped to his chest. Gru and Lucy break into Eduardo's restaurant at night but find no evidence. Meanwhile, Gru's three adopted daughters, Margo, Edith, and Agnes, who dream of having a mother one day, believe that Gru will fall in love with Lucy. Gru denies it, saying his relationship with Lucy is only professional. Despite holding Eduardo as his prime suspect, Gru agrees to pursue other leads, including the shop of wig merchant Floyd Eaglesan, where Lucy discovers traces of PX-41. After witnessing Eduardo's son Antonio woo Margo, Gru renews his focus on Eduardo, who in turn invites the Gru family to his Cinco de Mayo party. Lucy helps Gru escape a blind date gone wrong, and the two begin to form a bond. The AVL arrests Floyd after finding an almost-empty jar of the mutagen in his shop. Silas closes the investigation and reassigns Lucy to Australia, leaving Gru heartbroken. At the Cinco de Mayo party, Gru follows Eduardo and discovers that he is indeed El Macho. Having faked his death, El Macho has hired Dr. Nefario, and had abducted most of Gru's Minions, using the stolen PX-41 mutagen to transform them into an army of indestructible and savage purple beasts. El Macho plans to launch rockets full of the evil Minions into major cities to dominate the world. He offers Gru the chance to team up with him, but the terrified Gru walks away with the girls. Suspicious, El Macho sends an evil Minion, Kevin, after them. Lucy, having decided to disobey orders and return home to Gru, arrives at the party right after Gru leaves. Realizing that Lucy and Gru are working for the AVL, El Macho kidnaps her. Dr. Nefario witnesses this and informs Gru of the situation. Gru infiltrates El Macho's fortress with two of his own disguised Minions, but the evil Minions see through the disguise and attack them. Meanwhile, Kevin breaks into Gru's house and attacks Margo and Agnes. They lure him to Gru's lab, where Dr. Nefario arrives with an antidote and reverses Kevin's transformation. Dr. Nefario puts the antidote in Gru's jelly reserves, and he and the girls hurry to Gru's aid. Gru, Dr. Nefario, the girls, and the surviving Minions use jelly guns to restore all the other evil Minions to their normal state. El Macho threatens to kill Lucy, and uses the PX-41 to become a monster himself, but is defeated by Gru and Dr. Nefario. Gru attempts to rescue Lucy from El Macho's TNT-loaded shark rocket, but El Macho's pet chicken Pollito launches it, sending them toward a volcano. Lucy accepts Gru's invitation for a date, and they jump into the ocean before the rocket explodes in the volcano. One hundred and forty-seven dates later, Gru and Lucy get married, giving Margo, Edith, and Agnes a mother.