The Battle of Shaker Heights_2003

EXT. FOREST - DAY
    DISTANT GUN AND MORTAR FIRE Muffled by the wet green forest . The very earth seems to tremble . A RABBIT Darts out of a log , lifts itself on its hind legs and sniffs the air . LOBBED GRENADE EXPLODES VOICES and SHOUTS , closer now , mix with the rumbling WAR SOUNDS in a veritable symphony of violence and confusion . A DEAD AMERICAN GI lays splayed out , careless in death . A pair of SOLDIERS flash among the trees , running hunched over and low , and disappear into the gray blooms of SMOKE . For a moment the forest takes a breath . Nothing but trembling leaves . Then - The RATTLE of a Jeep Coming closer in fits and starts , GRINDING through low gears . A Willys MB appears , CRASHING through the undergrowth . It 's driven by Private First Class KELLY ERNSWILER . Eighteen , if that . Not much meat on him . His insignias indicate he 's in the 29th Infantry . His face might be attractive , under other conditions . He pauses and pulls a map from the pocket of his M41 standard - issue field jacket .
    KELLY
    Where the hell are those Krauts?
    To give himself courage , he SINGS Tommy Dorsey 's `` I 'll Be Seeing You -LSB- in all the old familiar places -RSB- '' while maneuvering the Jeep through the bushes and rocks . He drives straight for a fallen LOG , GUNS the engine and tries to go over it . The Jeep 's FRONT WHEELS catch on the log . The BACK TIRES spin . Kelly gets out . Takes off his M1 combat helmet and wipes his face . Assesses the situation . He grabs a BRANCH . Jams it under the wheel , trying to lever the Jeep free . When - The STUTTER of a nearby MACHINE GUN startles him . The branch SNAPS against Kelly 's weight . He slips and falls in the mud .
    KELLY
    Shit.
    Determined , he grabs his pack and carbine and sets off on foot through the forest .

EXT. CLEARING
    Kelly strides purposefully out of the woods . Pauses against a split - rail fence beneath the innocent sun . Across the clearing stands a seemingly abandoned BARN . But not for long , as TWO GERMAN INFANTRYMEN appear around the corner of it . Kelly moves behind a tree to assess the situation . Unaware , the Germans smoke and talk . Kelly 's too far away to hear them but he watches their every move . They 're relaxed , not as on guard as they should be . Their Karabiners rest slung across their backs .
    KELLY
    Bingo.
    AGAINST THE TREE Kelly focuses himself . Then he shoulders his carbine . Pulls out his dog tags and kisses them grimly .
    KELLY
    `` And so they buried Hector, breaker of horses.''
    He takes his Smith & Wesson 1917 PISTOL from his pistol belt and steps out into the SUNLIGHT FIELD in plain sight of the guards . Surely he knows they can see him . He must want them to see him . But they do n't . Too busy passing nudie wallet photos . Halfway across the open grass , Kelly raises the pistol but does not aim it . Just strides steadily closer , arms spread out , making himself an easy target . Crazy as it seems , Private Kelly Ernswiler is trying to get himself killed .

EXT. BARN
    Kelly pauses not twenty feet from the Germans , FIRES into the air and waves - - when from behind him comes a voice .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( O.S . )
    Eine maus findet den kase.
    Kelly whips around to face a third German , the OFFICER . His pistol points right into the Officer 's shocked pink young face . Point blank range . Only - Kelly does n't fire . He just lowers the pistol . The German smiles .
    KELLY
    Kill me Adolf.
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Mien Prisoner!
    The Infantrymen have recovered from their idle and come running . One of them yanks Kelly 's hands behind his back and pushes him into the barn roughly . Kelly does n't struggle .
    KELLY
    Hey, Siegfreid and Roy. What are you waiting for? Kill me.

INT. BARN
    Kelly sits slumped in a chair , legs tied up . One of the Germans shines a flashlight in his face . Kelly squints .
    KELLY
    Come on you pussies. Let's get this over with.
    The German Officer produces a piece of paper and a fountain pen .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( German accent . )
    You will write your mother. Tell her how you will die now.
    Kelly takes the pen and examines it .
    KELLY
    Genuine Third Reich issue, no less. Nice work.
    The Officer pokes the paper .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    You will write. How you die alone.
    KELLY
    My mother and I do n't have that kind of relationship.
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( hisses . )
    Write.
    Kelly thinks about it for a minute - should he or should n't he - but sighs and begins writing . After a few lines , the Officer snatches the paper away and passes it to an Infantryman .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Enough. Now you will beg for your life.
    KELLY
    What do n't you understand?
    INFANTRYMAN
    ( interrupts sheepishly in German accent . )
    The protocol says we should -
    The Officer wheels around and scowls at the speaker . He seems to be getting a bit hysterical .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    I am the fucking protocol.
    ( to Kelly . )
    Beg!
    He and Kelly glare at each other . The Officer FIRES his Luger into the rafters .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Beg - for - your - life!
    KELLY
    You got to be kidding me.
    The Officer grabs his throat .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Silence. Now I have a little fun.
    Kelly laughs . The officer slaps him . Kelly jerks away .
    KELLY
    Now that's against the rules.
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( sneers . )
    There are no rules in war.
    Suddenly another AMERICAN GI appears behind the German in the shadows . Only Kelly can see him . The GI motions to Kelly `` keep talking '' while he gets into a better position with his M - 1 rifle .
    KELLY
    ( to Officer . )
    You've never killed anyone before, have you?
    GERMAN OFFICER
    I shower in the blood of my victims -
    The GI shoots the two infantrymen who fall in exaggerated pain and commence death throes . Quick as a flash , the GI 's Colt 1911 PISTOL is at the German Officer 's neck , his M - 1 in his other hand .
    GI
    No wonder you smell so bad.
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Do n't shoot, please.
    The GI 's eyes widen . He looks at Kelly .
    GI
    Will you look at the manners on this guy?
    ( to German . )
    Remember to thank me when I kill you.
    GERMAN OFFICER
    No, really, not in the neck -
    But the GI does anyway . The Officer SHRIEKS , grabs at his neck , and falls .
    GI
    ( to Kelly . )
    You all right?
    KELLY
    Yeah. My elaborate death scene was n't going anywhere anyway.
    GI
    You want me to give you a minute?
    KELLY
    That's okay. They'll get me eventually. If you ca n't get killed in a war, when can you?
    GI
    That's right. Look on the bright side.
    The GI holds out his hand .
    GI
    Bart. Bart Bowland.
    Kelly takes the hand of the grinning all - American type guy . About his own age , but BART takes up more space .
    KELLY
    Kelly. Kelly Ernswiler.
    BART
    Kelly?
    KELLY
    ( mimics . )
    Bart?
    BART
    I mean - that's Irish, right?
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( from the floor , now with a decidedly American accent . )
    Wow man, this is a really beautiful scene and all, but I have to interrupt.
    ( to Bart . )
    Why the fuck did you have to shoot that cap so close to my neck? You gave me a powder burn.
    KELLY
    Listen you wienerschnitzel. You should talk. You slapped me. I'm not your bitch.
    The Officer gets up and dusts off his uniform .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Well, what was that whole creepy death wish thing about?
    KELLY
    Well it did n't work, now did it?
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( shrugs . )
    Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment.
    KELLY
    And what was that ridiculous shit about making me write to my mother?
    The Officer grins .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    Inspired, was n't it?
    BART
    Dude, you made him write to his mother? Who are you, Dr. Phil?
    INFANTRYMAN
    ( also with American accent . )
    Can we get up now?
    Bart helps him up and checks his regulation - issue Timex .
    BART
    Might as well. There's only an hour left anyway.
    The German Officer crosses his arms .
    GERMAN OFFICER
    ( to Kelly . )
    Admit it. You were scared.
    KELLY
    ( snorts . )
    Right.
    Kelly gets up from the chair and falls over . His legs are still tied .

EXT. FOREST
    The DEAD GI gets up and walks off with the GERMANS and some other SOLDIERS , done for the day . Bart and Kelly walk back to the stranded Jeep .
    BART
    That Willys yours?
    KELLY
    Yup. Just got her. Three summers packing out at Shop Rite.
    Bart unfolds an entrenching tool from his belt and digs under the back wheels , building up dirt . Then he goes around to the front and puts his shoulder against the hood . Bart rocks the Jeep while Kelly pumps the gas . The Jeep finally pulls free and SPRAYS Bart with mud .
    KELLY
    My bad. Thanks though.
    Kelly looks over his shoulder and starts backing away .
    KELLY
    See you.
    Bart stands there , dripping with mud , shocked . About a hundred feet away Kelly stops .
    KELLY
    Well, come on.
    Bart walks towards the Jeep . Kelly backs it up again .
    KELLY
    I could n't resist.
    Bart climbs in .
    BART
    Real funny, Ernswiler. You might still get your chance to die today.

INT. DINER - DAY
    The customers are all REENACTORS . Some Yanks , some Germans , a few Scottish and North African irregulars . `` Boogie - Woogie Bugle Boy '' plays on the jukebox . Bart and Kelly sit in a booth together . Bart has an easy , confident manner and expansive gestures . Kelly eats hunched over , like someone might try and steal his food .
    BART
    Character building? Those crazy guys from Ann Arbor tied them to a dock.
    KELLY
    ( shrugs . )
    That's what you get for invading Wisconsin.
    BART
    D - Day at Kenosha was nothing. At Guadalcanal Chillicothe there was a guy who actually injected himself with malaria.
    KELLY
    That's crazy.
    They both eat for a minute .
    BART
    Where do you live, anyway?
    KELLY
    Shaker Heights.
    BART
    That explains the death wish. Me too. What street?
    KELLY
    Penn Place.
    BART
    ( chewing . )
    Hmm, do n't know it.
    KELLY
    It's not technically in Shaker Heights - but I go to Shaker Heights High.
    Pause . Kelly looks at Bart .
    BART
    Langely Prep.
    KELLY
    Sorry to hear that.
    BART
    Well, I got kicked out of Shaker Heights High because my birdhouse came unglued in honors woodshop.
    KELLY
    Of course. I would have gone to Langely myself only my polo pony had the fits.
    Bart throws his napkin on his plate .
    BART
    No matter.
    ( raises his voice to address the room . )
    We're all soldiers here.
    CROWD
    That's right. / Here, here. / Whooping, cheers, etc..

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly pulls up into the circular gravel drive . Bart 's house is fancy . A nice yard and a pool . Bart hops out .
    BART
    You should come over some time. Service our lawnmower.
    KELLY
    I would, but then I might soil my croquet whites. You understand.
    BART
    How bourgeois. Cheerio then.
    Kelly watches Bart go into his house and smiles in spite of himself .

EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE - DUSK
    Kelly 's house is a also pretty nice , nothing to be ashamed of . It is smaller and weirder . The flowers and bushes are overgrown and strange sculptures dot the yard , some leaning at precarious angles . Kelly washes his Jeep in the driveway .

EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE - NIGHT
    Kelly buffs the headlamps with a chamois . The Jeep looks good as new . He pulls a canvas cover over it .
    KELLY
    Sleep tight Hot Lips.

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT
    Kelly walks in on his dad ABE making sandwiches . A great big pile of cheese and PB&J .
    ABE
    Sergeant Keller! How was the war? Did we win?
    Kelly does n't smile at this . He looks at the sandwiches and puts his finger to his chin in a gesture so facetious it 's downright angry .
    KELLY
    Let me guess. Happy Meals for the wavy gravy wellness center?
    Abe grabs two pieces of bread from a loaf . He looks kind . A bit ill - used by life . The phrase `` rode hard and put away wet '' comes to mind .
    ABE
    As usual, your cynicism is refreshing.
    He finishes that sandwich and adds it to the pile . Kelly pauses while opening the refrigerator . His back tightens . He slams the door with his foot .
    KELLY
    As usual, your cheerful optimism makes me ill.
    Abe pauses over a slice of bread only briefly . The hostility is nothing new .
    ABE
    ( lightly . )
    You should get that checked.
    Kelly walks through the kitchen and out the back door .
    KELLY
    ( O.S . )
    Sure thing, doc. Say hello to Leif Garrett for me.

INT. ERNSWILER GARAGE - NIGHT
    Kelly opens the screen door and pokes his head in . A family of Chinese immigrants , the Lings , paints canvases at long worktables . There 's a MOTHER , father MAO , grandmother XIOU - XIOU , SON and DAUGHTER . Finished canvases hang from the walls and lean in piles against it . All of them are portraits of animals . Some have on hats or clothes . Kelly 's mom EVE shows grandmother XIOU - XIOU a few strokes with a paintbrush . Eve wears jeans . She 's one of those young - looking mothers Kelly 's friends would have crushes on . If he had any friends .
    MAO
    ( to Kelly . )
    Son of Eve. You are very dirty.
    KELLY
    ( awkward . )
    A rough charge. You know.
    EVE
    ( to Kelly . )
    Do n't touch anything. We have to get ready for the Starving Artist show.
    ( to Xiou - Xiou . )
    Now Nana, the gold has to be feathery, not gloppy - see?
    Eve demonstrates on the painting - a pair of monkeys in French court dress . Kelly looks over his mom 's shoulder .
    EVE
    Now you try.
    Grandmother Xiou - Xiou dabs at the painting .
    EVE
    ( to Kelly . )
    She loves the gold. Always overuses it. And usually her touch is so light.
    XIOU-XIOU
    Gold is the color of the sun.
    Eve moves along the row , stopping to look at the paintings in progress .
    KELLY
    You know why we never have anything to eat in this house?
    But Eve has stopped behind Mao 's painting . She 's not paying attention to Kelly .
    EVE
    Mao, what did we say about the eyes?
    She gestures at the image of a horse done Santa Fe style , lots of pastels , very abstract . Mao looks at her quizzically .
    MAO
    More - empathy?
    EVE
    That's right. And did n't I tell you to put in more cacti?
    MAO
    ( shakes head . )
    No, no more cacti. Too busy. Simplicity is best.
    His family nods in support of this rash aesthetic statement . Eve rolls her eyes .
    EVE
    Oh boy. I'm not having this battle with you again.
    Kelly breaks in .
    KELLY
    Because your husband takes food from his own family to feed every loser druggie in Cleveland.
    Eve moves down the line .
    EVE
    Well, you can always chip in here. We're ordering pizza later.
    At this the family nods and smiles to each other , pleased with the news .
    KELLY
    No. Some people have to work later.
    ( casual . )
    Will you drop something off at the dry cleaners for me tomorrow?
    Eve looks up at him for the first time . Takes in his filthy uniform .
    EVE
    Sweetie, you know what we said about paying for the war things. Nothing's changed.
    KELLY
    It's the only thing I ever ask you for -
    EVE
    Do n't be dramatic.
    KELLY
    But it's important to me.
    Eve stops at Mother Ling 's painting .
    EVE
    You're just going to have to find a way to pay for it yourself then, I guess.
    ( to Mother Ling . )
    No - not that way - the sky should be stormier. Angry clouds.
    Mother Ling looks up at Kelly , who 's scowling . She smiles and nods , understanding .
    KELLY
    Why do I bother?
    Kelly leaves . Eve 's busy talking .
    EVE
    More brown, less blue.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
    Kelly comes back in a grabs a sandwich off the pile .
    ABE
    Now Keller, who needs that sandwich more - you or the daughter of a crack addict trying to make a new life?
    Kelly looks at him and bites into the sandwich .
    KELLY
    How about the son of a heroin addict trying to get ready for work?
    Kelly leaves with the sandwich . Abe sighs and picks up more bread .
    ABE
    That went well.

INT. KELLY'S ROOM - NIGHT
    On the walls a poster for the Civil War miniseries next to one of Led Zeppelin . Some maps . A globe . Models of fighter planes and a set of old tin soldiers . Oh yeah , and his mom 's ORIGINAL PAINTING , the one that started it all , this one signed by her - a very intense looking pink rabbit glaring out of the canvas with huge eyes . He sits on the edge of the bed for a minute staring into space before he peels off his muddy uniform piece by piece .

INT. GROCERY STORE - NIGHT
    Ah , the graveyard shift . Musak Steely Dan . Kelly unpacks cat food . Thousands and thousands of little cans of it . It 's hard to keep the rows straight on the shelves . SARAH , the night cashier , stands at her register . She 's plain - looking now but she 'll be beautiful later when she figures out who she is . Not another soul in the store . Sarah wanders over to Kelly 's aisle as if pulled by a magnet .
    SARAH
    So how'd your battle go today? I still do n't understand how you could reenact the Battle of the Bulge in seventy - two degree weather.
    ( plays with hair . )
    Did n't all those guys freeze to death?
    Kelly does n't stop working . He 's got a system .
    KELLY
    Well, a Port - a - John fell over on a couple of guys.
    SARAH
    That's gross.
    KELLY
    War is hell.
    Kelly grabs another handful of cans .
    SARAH
    Then why do you do it?
    Kelly pauses . He puts two cans on the shelf very deliberately .
    KELLY
    You're never more alive then when facing simulated death.
    SARAH
    Really? Maybe I should try it.
    Kelly looks at her , thinks about this , and stands up .
    KELLY
    You are William J. Stone of the 1st Airborne, pinned down in Noville. The Germans have the high ground and they're shelling your position heavily.
    ( starts throwing cans . )
    You're holed up in a stone barn. Sustaining heavy casualties. Running low on ammo. The cries of wounded men fill the air like the cries of hungry babies.
    Sarah covers her head , huddled behind the boxes of cat food , dodging cans .
    KELLY
    Your commanding officer gets hit in the face, dies. At 1 p.m. you lose radio contact with headquarters. If you withdraw, the Germans will flank the entire Allied forces arrayed along Bastogne and break the front. What do you do? What do you do?
    SARAH
    Stop it!
    Kelly goes back to stocking , satisfied .
    KELLY
    Battle of Bulge, the Southern Shoulder, December' 44.
    SARAH
    Sorry I asked.
    Sarah stands up and starts to wander away but Kelly makes a peace offering .
    KELLY
    Hey. Want a snack? We got a whole shipment in of busted Oreo's.
    Sarah looks at her feet , considering whether or not to accept it .
    SARAH
    I'll accidentally drop a couple pints of milk and meet you over there.

INT. DAIRY BACKROOM
    Sarah and Kelly sit on milk crates , pass the cookies back and forth and get philosophical .
    SARAH
    The frozen food woman came in with her kids. They must eat out of those little cardboard trays every night. One of the kids looked like cardboard.
    KELLY
    Do you know we stock more flavors of cat food than we do baby food?
    SARAH
    No.
    KELLY
    Sixteen flavors of baby food including the toddler meals - in - ajar, thirty - one flavors of cat food.
    He fishes for a cookie .
    KELLY
    Next time you should tell that woman to buy her kid some cat food.
    An ANGRY WOMAN pushes open the swinging door of the backroom with her loaded shopping cart .
    WOMAN
    Is this store open? I've been waiting up front. If the store's closed, it should n't have a sign that says twenty - four hours.
    Sarah gets up . Kelly stays right where he is , finishing a cookie .
    SARAH
    Sorry about that.
    WOMAN
    I have a lot of coupons and I do n't want to be here when they expire.
    KELLY
    ( to Sarah . )
    Charge her double for everything.
    Sarah smiles and hurries away .

INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    Kelly walks down the hall with his army - issue BACKPACK slung over one shoulder . Besides a serious case of bedhead , he looks normal . No one says hi to him as he makes his way to his locker . As he twirls the combination and opens it , he notices LANCE - short and wide , built like a tank , prematurely balding , and his girlfriend BRIDGET embracing a few lockers down . They kiss raunchily , their tongues darting in and out of each other 's mouths . Lance sees Kelly looking and stops kissing .
    LANCE
    What the fuck are you looking at, GI Jane?
    Kelly shakes his head and gets a book out of his locker .
    LANCE
    No really, what makes you think you can look at me?
    KELLY
    I honestly did n't know it was you. I thought it was a free preview of the Spice Channel.
    LANCE
    That's pretty funny. You got dental insurance?
    Kelly closes his locker and walks away . Bridget wipes her mouth guiltily . Lance shakes his head and pulls Bridget to him , grinding his pelvis against hers .
    BRIDGET
    Stop it.
    She walks away .
    LANCE
    What? What?

INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY
    The lights are off in history class . The teacher MR. NORMAN shows slides on the Civil War . The more we see the clearer it becomes that they are his own photos from a vacation spent visiting the memorials . Mr. Norman smiles out at his class in shot after shot . He clicks the remote and a photo of his WIFE , crouched over and wearing shorts , drinking from a garden hose appears on screen .
    MR. NORMAN
    Whoops!
    He hurries through to the next slide . It does n't matter anyway . Everyone is almost asleep . Except Kelly , who becomes increasingly irritated the more Mr. Norman talks .
    MR. NORMAN
    And here, at Gettysburg, the ranks of Union soldiers fought bravely on. They were willing to give their lives so that others might be free.
    Kelly shifts in his seat .
    MR. NORMAN
    Is there a problem Mr. Ernswiler?
    KELLY
    No.
    But Mr. Norman does n't start talking again . He waits , looking at Kelly , smiling blandly . Until the silence becomes uncomfortable . And Kelly gets mad .
    KELLY
    Come on. Is n't this analysis a tad simplistic? I mean, maybe for a second grade history class, sure - but to insist on still characterizing the Civil War as some moral struggle? The soldiers were drafted - the only ones who had to fight were the ones who could n't afford to pay their way out.
    ( losing it . )
    Why do n't you talk about the Draft Riots? Where are your slides for that?

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
    Fresh flowers and a crocheted tissue box hoodie make the place cozy . Kelly sits across the desk from PRINCIPAL HOLMSTEAD , a well - groomed woman with a gentle talk show host demeanor .
    HOLMSTEAD
    What gives you the idea that you can or ought to question the curriculum?
    Kelly does n't move . He 's not into this .
    HOLMSTEAD
    Or question your teacher?
    KELLY
    I know. I mean, who ever heard of a classroom dialog? Not Socrates.
    Ms. Holmstead is exasperated , but she likes him in spite of herself . He 's a smart cookie . She 's got to change her strategy . She leans back in her chair .
    HOLMSTEAD
    Kelly, you're a very bright boy. But you're making some serious mistakes.
    KELLY
    I do n't need to. Everyone else makes them for me.
    Her chair SQUEAKS as she leans forward and looks at Kelly intently .
    HOLMSTEAD
    This anger must be masking a lot of hurt.
    KELLY
    I was wondering what the tissues were for.
    Holmstead tries again . She looks down at his file .
    HOLMSTEAD
    I see you're not going to college next year. What are your plans?
    Kelly shrugs . Holmstead searches his face for any clues .
    HOLMSTEAD
    How do I get through to you?
    KELLY
    Advertisers use status and sex to appeal to my demographic.
    She shakes her head and swings her chair towards the window and gazes out at the front walkway of the school . Her face clears . Something 's clicked .
    HOLMSTEAD
    I think we can come up with a punishment which might actually be more of an opportunity for you to realize your true potential.

EXT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    School 's been out for a while . The first rush had already left . Kelly comes down the front steps and starts across the parking lot to his Jeep . Lance steps out from behind an SUV and intercepts him .
    LANCE
    You upset Bridget.
    Kelly hardly stops walking .
    KELLY
    Give me a break.
    LANCE
    You need to apologize.
    KELLY
    What are you going to do, make out with me?
    Lance runs and grabs Kelly 's backpack .
    LANCE
    Why are you fucking with me? You little fucker. Want to play, fuckface?
    KELLY
    You just used fuck as a verb, noun, and adjective. Impressive.
    Kelly tries to start walking again but Lance has hold of him .
    LANCE
    Let's see what Beetle Bailey's got in his knapsack.
    Lance grabs Kelly 's arm and yanks it back . Kelly still seems unconcerned . Suddenly he pulls away , but Lance keeps hold of his backpack . Lance holds the backpack up next to his head and points at it , gleeful . Lance walks away towards his car . Kelly runs after him . Lance holds Kelly off easily with one hand and throws the backpack into his SUV . They STRUGGLE for a minute , until Lance pushes Kelly away , gets in the car . Kelly runs next to the car and pounds on the window as Lance drives off . Finally , Kelly gives up . Lance turns out of the parking lot and HONKS the horn . Kelly shakes his head .
    KELLY
    Rim job.

INT. ARMY NAVY STORE - DAY
    Kelly sifts through a pile of backpacks looking for a replacement . From his post behind the counter , Bart sees him and comes over .
    BART
    Kelly. Hey.
    KELLY
    You work here?
    BART
    Just a couple days a month, to get a heads - up on the latest stuff. What are you doing?
    KELLY
    Looking for a backpack.
    BART
    Is that all? Do n't bother. I have a couple extras at home. I could give you one if you want.
    KELLY
    ( beat . )
    Sure, I guess.

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, DAD'S LIBRARY - DAY
    Kelly stands a bit awkwardly waiting for Bart to get the key from the desk to open the door in the corner . The door finally swings open .

INT. STOREROOM
    Bart and Kelly stand between shelves piled high with war memorabilia . Uniforms in vacu - pac sealed bags , weapons in shoeboxes , cannonballs and tattered and gunsmoke - darkened flags .
    KELLY
    Very impressive.
    BART
    My dad's real into hoarding.
    Kelly holds up a flask in a leather case .
    KELLY
    What's this?
    BART
    Grant's field flask.
    KELLY
    Wow. Your dad should meet my history teacher. He sent me to the principal's office today for questioning his G - rated interpretation of the Civil War.
    BART
    Forget him.
    KELLY
    I would, but now the principal's making me give a speech on the Civil War at an assembly.
    BART
    ( laughing in sympathy and amusement . )
    What is he, some kind of sadist?
    KELLY
    She thinks she's doing me a favor.
    BART
    Jesus, she must think you're really screwed up. Are you?
    KELLY
    Depends on who you ask. Everyone's got an opinion.
    BART
    ( grabs box . )
    Take this. That'll shut them up.
    Bart opens the long box . Nestled inside is a leg bone with a foot attached to it .
    BART
    Stonewall Jackson's.
    KELLY
    Yeah right.
    BART
    Can you imagine that? Losing your leg and getting back up on your horse? Unbelievable. What balls.
    Kelly nods . That is balls .
    BART
    He's got so much crap crammed in here he does n't even notice when it's missing. I saw a backpack in here somewhere.
    Bart puts down the box carelessly and paws through the piles .

INT. BOWLAND KITCHEN
    Bart and Kelly sit at the kitchen table drinking sodas , waiting for MINNIE , the housekeeper , to finish making them dinner .
    BART
    I thought he had a couple.
    KELLY
    I'd feel weird taking one out of the tomb of Tutenkamen anyway.
    BART
    Trust me, you should n't.
    ( burps . )
    Where'd your old one go?
    KELLY
    I lost it.
    BART
    How?
    A pause . Kelly decides to tell him .
    KELLY
    Someone took it.
    BART
    You let someone take it?
    KELLY
    I did n't let him. I told off some idiot -
    BART
    Sounds like your mouth gets you into trouble a lot.
    KELLY
    I'm telling you, it's not me, it's the world.
    TABBY , Bart 's older sister comes in . She 's older . Definitely in college , if not out . And totally shockingly beautiful . Otherworldly .
    BART
    Tabby, this is Kelly.
    TABBY
    ( to Kelly . )
    Do n't give him any money, whatever you do.
    BART
    Shut up.
    TABBY
    All these little old ladies are looking for him in Arizona. He took their retirement money and bought defective bazookas with it.
    Kelly laughs . And looks at Tabby more closely .
    BART
    Very funny. We're paying attention to you, are you happy now?
    TABBY
    Finally, my life is complete. Fait accompli.
    BART
    ( to Tabby . )
    Minnie's making sloppy joes. Want one?
    TABBY
    Sloppy joe? Sloppy no.
    She opens the fridge and gets a yogurt .
    TABBY
    I have to go take a shower. Will you call me when Miner gets here?
    Tabby leaves . Kelly 's distracted .
    KELLY
    Who's Miner?
    BART
    The fiancé.
    Bart rolls his eyes , indicating what he thinks of good old Miner . Kelly nods , does n't say anything .
    BART
    Listen, I'm going to the flea market on Saturday. I have a line on a couple dealers. You could get a backpack there.
    Kelly glances at the door Tabby left from .
    KELLY
    Oh yeah? Flea market, land of bargains.
    BART
    Especially if you know who to talk to.
    Kelly looks at Bart with suspicion - and respect .

EXT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - MORNING
    Kelly hops out of his Jeep and walks towards the front of the school . Lance is there , hanging out with Bridget and some of his Cro - Magnon FRIENDS . He wears a WW II CAP , overseas airborne style , obviously Kelly 's .
    LANCE
    Hey fuckface. Like my new hat? I just joined the Boy Scouts.
    The Cro - Magnons grunt approvingly at this witty repartee .
    KELLY
    If you stay in it long enough, maybe you'll get your fudgepacker badge.
    Ooh . The Cro - Magnons laugh at Lance and EGG him on - `` You gon na take that ? '' / `` He just called you a fag '' , etc. . Lance frowns and grabs Kelly .
    LANCE
    You're a regular Howie Mandel.
    Still holding on to him with one arm , he SLAPS Kelly hard across the face with the other . Kelly 's knees give a bit . Lance holds him up .
    BRIDGET
    Lance!
    Lance looks over at her and releases Kelly .
    LANCE
    Okay babe.
    ( to Kelly . )
    One day you and me will be alone. And wo n't that be nice?
    Kelly is hurt but covering .
    KELLY
    Too bad my mom wo n't let me date yet.
    Kelly frowns and adjusts his clothes . Tries to re - wet the dry inside of his mouth with his tongue . He turns slowly and trudges up the stairs . Sarah has been watching the whole thing from the door .
    SARAH
    Why do you mess with him?
    KELLY
    You're right. I should give him a break.

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly watches TV in the living room . His cheek has a nice bruise on it . Eve enters .
    EVE
    Oh, Kelly, you're home. Good. I need you to go to the art supply store for me.
    Kelly looks at the TV .
    KELLY
    Get Abe to do it.
    Eve goes to her purse and rifles through it to find her wallet .
    EVE
    He was going to but he had to go lead a meeting at Care House.
    KELLY
    What a surprise.
    EVE
    I'll make it up to you.
    KELLY
    Where have I heard that before?
    Eve sighs .
    EVE
    When are you going to give me a break?
    Kelly jabs at the remote .
    KELLY
    Let me think - maybe when I finally forget every single word of The Little Mermaid soundtrack I'd listen to in the car waiting for him to score. No, probably when I do n't prepare myself before I go into the bathroom, expecting to find him passed out on the floor.
    Eve waits through this .
    KELLY
    Actually, you know what? I know I'll be able to put it all behind me when I go away to college.
    ( slaps his forehead , pretend remembering . )
    Only, I ca n't go because someone spent my college fund on Mexican Black Tar. So looks like I'll have to try to forget at Shop Rite, where I'll be working for the rest of my life.
    EVE
    You're right. You have every reason to crawl into the corner and give up. But please just get me some paints first.
    Eve comes over to Kelly . He sighs and puts his hand out .
    KELLY
    What do you need?
    She gives him the money .
    EVE
    We need burnt sienna, cadmium red, and midnight blue. Two tubes of blue.
    ( looks at him . )
    What happened to your face?
    She puts her hand up but he moves away from it .
    KELLY
    Forget it.

INT. ART SUPPLY STORE - DAY
    Kelly looks through the paints , picking out tubes . He looks up and sees Tabby browsing the paintbrushes . He 's suddenly nervous . He knocks over a few cans of thinner . Almost leaves . Instead , he gathers his courage , goes to the display opposite hers and waits to catch her eye .
    KELLY
    They're having a sale on glitter.
    It takes Tabby a second to recognize him .
    TABBY
    Oh, hello. What happened to you?
    KELLY
    ( shrugs . )
    Tennis injury.
    Tabby looks at him suspiciously like she 's not sure whether to believe him . Tabby finishes with the mediums and moves onto the paints . Kelly follows her , staying in the opposite aisle .
    TABBY
    You paint?
    KELLY
    Well, you see. That's a difficult question.
    TABBY
    How so?
    KELLY
    I do n't really feel comfortable calling anything done since the Renaissance `` painting.'' We might have a more experimental interaction with the picture plane, but our skills have suffered from it.
    In spite of herself , Tabby laughs at this . This gives Kelly more confidence . He leans over the aisle to see what she 's looking at .
    KELLY
    You're working with acrylic. Why? Oil's much - richer.
    TABBY
    Oh you're not one of those oil snobs are you?
    KELLY
    Of course not.
    Kelly comes around and leans nonchalantly against the shelves , knocks more things over and fumbles to replace them .
    KELLY
    It's just - is n't acrylic a bit - jejune?
    TABBY
    Jejune? You're jejune. How old are you anyway?
    KELLY
    Older than my years.
    Tabby walks to the counter with her brushes .
    TABBY
    And you paint?
    Kelly looks down and partially confesses .
    KELLY
    Well, you know, my mother's kind of an artist, so -
    TABBY
    That explains it.
    Tabby signs the slip and takes the bag . She walks out , Kelly with her , matches her pace , talking .
    KELLY
    That explains nothing. Does n't anyone believe in innate knowledge anymore? Michelangelo was fifteen when he painted the Infanta.
    TABBY
    Infantas are Spanish. Michelangelo was Italian.
    Tabby gets into her car . Kelly leans into her window .
    KELLY
    Exactly. One world, one people. Just like Jesse Jackson envisioned.
    Tabby tries to conceal her smile and starts her car .
    TABBY
    Well - Kelly. Nice talking to you.
    She drives away . Kelly stands there watching . Then he winces .
    KELLY
    What the hell did you just say?

EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly pulls up in his Jeep . He turns off the engine but does n't get out . Just sits there . He does n't want to go in .

EXT. FLEA MARKET - DAY
    Colored plastic flags droop in the sun . MILITARY STALL Bart sweeps his eye over everything . A SKINNY GUY wearing a wife beater has some not half - bad stuff . Kelly , bruise faded to yellow and green , examines a glass mason jar of what seems to be dirt .
    SKINNY GUY
    ( to Kelly . )
    That there's actual sand from Iwo Jima.
    BART
    Or your sister's sandbox.
    The guy shrugs .
    SKINNY GUY
    Well, it do n't come with no certificate of authenticity.
    ( considers . )
    I could write one up for you, I suppose. Get it notarized.
    BART
    No, that's quite all right. Actually, I'm in the market for medals.
    SKINNY GUY
    Sure. I got a couple purple hearts. A Silver Star. DSC. Ca n't sell them to you though. They were gramp's.
    ( wink . )

    Bart acts casual , hands clasped behind his back .
    BART
    Are you sure?
    SKINNY
    They have a lot of sentimental value -
    BART
    Yeah. How much?
    SKINNY GUY
    A lot.
    Bart pulls out a paper bag and offers it to the skinny guy , who looks inside .
    SKINNY GUY
    What's this?
    BART
    General Ulysses S. Grant's field flask, my friend.
    Kelly is shocked . The skinny guy looks at his suspiciously .
    BART
    Throw in one of those backpacks and we'll call it even.
    The skinny guy looks at Bart , and in the bag again . He goes to get the backpack . Kelly 's impressed by this smooth exchange . FLEA MARKET - BETWEEN ROWS Kelly and Bart weave through the maze of stands . Kelly now holds the backpack .
    KELLY
    Buying and selling US service medals is illegal.
    BART
    Exactly. That's why the resale value is so high.
    KELLY
    Is that what they teach you at Langely?
    BART
    Do n't be so naïve. We all have our skeletons. Some of them just pay more than others.
    KELLY
    And I'm not even going to ask about the flask.
    BART
    Do n't ask, do n't tell. The army gets everything right, do n't they?
    CAMPAIGN PIN STALL A frowsy WOMAN in a muumuu sits fanning herself in front of an extensive display of pins and buttons .
    WOMAN
    You boys look like Goldwater fans.
    KELLY
    I've never been accused of that before.
    WOMAN
    Well jeez, you do n't have to be insulted.
    BART
    Anything military?
    The woman considers this , her fan working back and forth lazily .
    WOMAN
    Fish around in that cigar box.
    Bart paws through the box . Acts casual .
    BART
    What do you want for the box?
    WOMAN
    Twenty dollars.
    BART
    Fifteen.
    WOMAN
    Do n't be so hasty.
    ( fanning . )
    I got a few Geraldine Ferraro pins I'm looking to unload.
    FLEA MARKET FOOD COURT Kelly and Bart , now wearing the smiling black & white face of Geraldine Ferraro , eat disgusting yet delicious flea market food and watch a slow - motion bingo game .
    KELLY
    Goldwater fan. I think that's some kind of insult.
    BART
    Not at Dartmouth. Where are you going to go to school?
    KELLY
    I'm not.
    BART
    Ah, you have that luxury.
    KELLY
    You do n't?
    BART
    ( shrugs . )
    I did n't have much say in the matter. Everything has been decided for me since birth. I'm not whining about it. Play the hand you're dealt, right?
    KELLY
    Easy for you to say. You got a royal flush.
    BART
    Are you crazy? My life sucks. Everyone's always telling me what to do. You ca n't fight it. Go with the flow.
    They eat for a minute to the soothing sounds of the BINGO CALLER : TWENTY - ONE , THIRTEEN , FOUR , SEVENTY - EIGHT .
    KELLY
    What about Tabby?
    BART
    She got to go where she wanted. Sarah Lawrence. Six years. She's almost done with grad school. Yale.
    KELLY
    I did n't think people actually went to Yale.
    BART
    ( thinking . )
    I do n't know. I mean, she drives off in her car in September. For all we know, she could just pull her car over in Albany and sleep there until May.
    KELLY
    What do you mean?
    BART
    It was a joke. Joke?
    Bart does some fake sign language to help Kelly out .
    KELLY
    Oh. Is that what one of those sounds like? Somehow, I always imagined they would be funnier.
    Bart pushes Kelly , who grabs his arm like it got hurt .
    KELLY
    Sarah Lawrence? Is n't that for lesbians?
    Bart shrugs .
    BART
    What happened to your face?
    KELLY
    Remember the backpack incident?
    BART
    Same guy?
    KELLY
    The one with mad cow - diseased hamburger meat for brains? That would be the one.
    Interested , Bart leans forward .
    BART
    What are you going to do about it?
    KELLY
    I'm not going to lower myself to his level.
    BART
    Of course not. But there are alternatives...
    KELLY
    Alternatives?
    BART
    Have n't you ever heard of the 193rd Special Operations Wing?
    Kelly shakes his head .
    BART
    Well do you want to get this guy or what?
    KELLY
    Yes.
    BART
    All right. Let's get the fuck out of here, then.
    Bart tosses his wrapper at the trashcan . Kelly watches it hit the rim and go in .
    BART
    ( on the move . )
    I have some things to show you.

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT
    Bart and Kelly sit amidst a spread of books , papers , and electronic equipment .
    BART
    Once we've gathered the intelligence, the plan will reveal itself.
    KELLY
    We do n't plan first?
    Bart opens a pad .
    BART
    No, it limits our scope - what's the objective?
    KELLY
    Humiliation. Rage. Despair.
    BART
    Easy enough. ` Nam's probably our go - to war for that sort of thing. I have the declassified briefs from the Phoenix Project around here somewhere.
    Bart grabs a book and starts flipping through pages . Tabby enters with an armful of art supplies .
    TABBY
    Hey. I have some stretcher bars out in the car. Can somebody help me bring them in?
    BART
    Of course we'll drop what we're doing because what you're doing must be more important.
    Bart does n't look up . He grabs another book .
    KELLY
    Sure. I mean, I'll help.
    Bart raises his eyebrow . Kelly shrugs off the look .
    BART
    I'll find those reports.

INT. TABBY'S STUDIO - NIGHT
    Tabby drops the canvas and points at the table . Kelly dumps the bars and stands there looking around . At the wood floors and skylights . Couch covered with a sheet . Painting , serious ones , with layers of paint and mysterious objects stuck to them lay against the walls . They all seem faded , like a vacation photo that 's been through the wash . Kelly moves to the PAINTING on the easel . Very yellow and pink . Kind of looks like castles .
    KELLY
    Gold. The color of the sun.
    Tabby wrestles with the bolt of canvas .
    TABBY
    That's the Cleveland waterfront.
    KELLY
    As the viewer, I get to decide what it is, I'm afraid. And it does n't look a thing like it.
    TABBY
    It's the light. I was playing with diffusion.
    KELLY
    Well make sure you put it away when you're done with it.
    TABBY
    Very funny, wiseass.
    Kelly resumes his tour of the room .
    KELLY
    It must be nice to have a place like this to get away to.
    TABBY
    It is.
    KELLY
    What about Farmer?
    TABBY
    Farmer?
    Tabby unrolls the canvas and measures lengths .
    KELLY
    The boyfriend.
    TABBY
    ( laughs . )
    Miner? What about him?
    KELLY
    Is he an artist, too?
    TABBY
    No. Definitely not. Thank god.
    Kelly is silent for a while , fiddling with a clamp light .
    TABBY
    You said your mom was a painter?
    KELLY
    She was, well - is I guess.
    Tabby cuts the canvas .
    TABBY
    What do you mean?
    KELLY
    She used to be. But then my dad - was n't working anymore so she turned it into a business. She has a family of Chinese immigrants in the garage making them for her.
    TABBY
    Like Andy Warhol's Factory.
    KELLY
    More like Andy Warhol's tool shed. It was nice before, though. My playpen used to be in her studio.
    TABBY
    Wow. So you really grew up with it. What does, did, your dad do?
    KELLY
    He's a VH - 1 documentary without the music.
    TABBY
    `` Tragedy struck?''
    Kelly nods .
    KELLY
    `` And then, things took a turn for the worse.''
    TABBY
    Well, just wait. Those burnout types always have a triumphant comeback tour.
    KELLY
    I already changed the channel.
    Tabby sits back on her heels and looks at him . Bart 's head appears in the open door .
    BART
    Christ Kelly, I let you go out on a little supply line assist and you're gone for days. Come on.
    TABBY
    Have fun, boys.
    KELLY
    If only it were fun. War's deadly serious, ma'am.
    TABBY
    ( to Bart . )
    And I used to think you were the only crazy one.
    BART
    Enough with the mind pollution, Hanoi Hannah.
    Bart leaves . Kelly stands by the door . This is his only chance .
    KELLY
    I'm worried about you playing with diffusion unsupervised.
    TABBY
    Are you?
    KELLY
    Yes. I might have to come by and show you the proper safety procedures. Some time in the presence of an art prodigy would do you good.
    TABBY
    I do n't think I have room for a playpen in here.
    KELLY
    Ouch.
    Tabby smiles . Kelly leaves .

EXT. BOWLAND YARD - NIGHT
    Bart and Kelly walk across the yard .
    BART
    So, you have a thing for my sister?
    KELLY
    What? No, no.
    BART
    Everybody does.
    They skirt around the pool .
    KELLY
    We just have a few things in common.
    BART
    Oh really, like what?
    KELLY
    I ca n't tell you. It's my feminine side.
    BART
    You do n't wear women's clothes when you're alone, do you?

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
    Kelly comes out of the kitchen with a glass of water in pajama bottoms and a T - shirt . The TV 's on static . He sees a FIGURE sleeping on the couch and starts to walk through the room . Then he stops , sighs , and backtracks . He turns off the TV . Then he sees the empty bottle of wine next to the couch .
    KELLY
    Dad.
    The figure does n't move . Kelly does n't know what to do .
    KELLY
    ( louder . )
    Dad?
    Kelly looks around , worried . In this house an unresponsive dad is n't necessarily sleeping . Should he wake up his mom ? He shakes the figure slightly . It rolls over , only it 's not his dad . It 's some scabby ADDICT . Kelly yanks his hand away .
    ADDICT
    Wha?
    A moment .
    KELLY
    Sorry.

EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, BACK YARD - NIGHT
    Abe sits on a lawn chair . Kelly comes out , unfolds another chair and sits next to his dad - a good distance away . They both look up at the sky .
    ABE
    Keller. There's a meteor shower.
    Kelly frowns .
    KELLY
    A funny thing just happened. A little trip down memory lane. I thought you were on our couch, dead.
    Abe laughs .
    ABE
    Oh, you mean Emmett? They did n't have an empty bed for him at Care House.
    Kelly nods , considering this .
    KELLY
    Well that's one of your more brilliant ideas.
    ( anger rising . )
    Have you thought about the fact that it might be dangerous? That he might steal something, or go into cardiac arrest? Drink all our cooking wine? Which he seems to have done.
    ABE
    He just needs a place to sleep for the night.
    KELLY
    You're right. Besides, having him here makes it feel like home.
    Abe slams his hands down on the arms of his chair .
    ABE
    I've been straight for four years, almost five. A third of your life.
    Kelly claps slowly .
    KELLY
    Big whoop. I've been straight the whole time.
    Abe closes his eyes .
    ABE
    I hate to tell you this, but I'm not your problem anymore.
    Kelly gets up .
    KELLY
    No. That's the one thing I get to decide.
    Abe looks at Kelly .
    ABE
    Let me know. I can wait.
    They look at each other . Kelly shakes his head and goes inside . Abe looks up at the sky .
    ABE
    ( to himself . )
    Keller, there's a meteor shower.

EXT. LANCE'S HOUSE - DAY
    In a backyard tree house next door sit Kelly and Bart , Kelly looking through a pair of M3 field glasses .
    KELLY
    I have the target in sight.
    BINOCULAR MATTE Through the twin circles Lance gets into his car in front of his house .
    KELLY
    I think he's leaving.
    BART
    Let me see. Do n't be a farb, give them up.
    Kelly hands the glasses over . Bart looks through them . Then he puts them down .
    BART
    The coast is clear.
    The boys looks at each other .
    BART
    Let me prepare to deploy.
    Bart opens up a duffel bag and pulls out a yellow jumpsuit which he puts on . Kelly looks through the binoculars .
    KELLY
    Is this going to work?
    BART
    We've planned for every contingency using the tried and true techniques of the last great world power.
    KELLY
    Save it for the press conference.
    THE LAWN The boys climb down out of the tree house . Bart is dressed in an official - looking yellow jumpsuit with telephone repairmen 's tool hanging from his belt and a hard hat on . Kelly carries a toolbox .
    BART
    Stay low. On my signal.
    He looks at Kelly . Then he holds up one finger and gestures `` go . '' They sneak hunched over towards the fence . A LITTLE GIRL comes out of the house and stops when she sees them . Bart and Kelly look at each other . Bart takes the toolbox and gestures to Kelly by pointing at the girl and covering his mouth . Kelly peels off towards the girl while Bart continues across the lawn . The girl starts to SCREAM . Kelly swoops up and covers her mouth with his hand . He tucks her under his arm and runs towards the opposite side of the house . He puts the girl down , still covering her mouth .
    KELLY
    We're the good guys. If you scream, the bad guys are going to come and burn down your house. Okay? So stay here and be quiet.
    The girl nods . Kelly takes his hand off her mouth and starts to sneak away .
    GIRL
    My dad has a gun.
    Kelly runs across the street to get a view of the front door . IN FRONT OF LANCE 'S HOUSE Bart turns up the driveway and RINGS the doorbell . LANCE 'S MOTHER opens the door . Bart confers with her briefly and steps inside . The door closes behind him . Kelly stares so hard at the door he does n't see the NEIGHBOR come up behind him .
    NEIGHBOR
    Can I help you, young man?
    Kelly starts and turns .
    KELLY
    I was just inspecting your lawn.
    Kelly grabs a few blades of grass .
    KELLY
    Have you thought about Astroturf? It takes a lot less water to keep green. I mean, no water, technically.
    NEIGHBOR
    I'm not interested.
    KELLY
    Oh. I see. Okay then.
    Kelly gets up and starts to walk down the street , only - Lance PULLS UP in his SUV . Kelly darts behind a parked car and watches Lance go into the house .
    KELLY
    Oh, shit.
    Lance comes right back out . He forgot something in his car .
    KELLY
    Oh, shit.
    Kelly moves around the car , trying to keep it between him and Lance . Bart comes down the front walk whistling and eating a cookie . He smiles at Lance , now coming back up the walk .
    LANCE
    Smile worker bee. I'll be your boss some day.
    Bart nods and tips his HARD HAT . Kelly follows him on the other side of the row of cars until Lance 's house is out of sight . Then he gets in step beside Bart .
    BART
    What an asshole. His mom gave me cookies, though.
    KELLY
    Did you get it done?
    BART
    Do n't ask stupid questions. Let's go home and listen.

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S ROOM - DAY
    The boys sit around an FM receiver/recorder .
    BART
    It was a five - watt FM bug, so we should be in range -
    Bart FLIPS the ON switch and Lance 's Mom 's voice fills the room . The boys smile with delight .
    LANCE'S MOM
    ( O.S . )
    So then I told her, `` Harriet, with potato salad like that it's no wonder Ray - Ray's cheating on you.''
    WOMAN
    ( O.S . )
    You did n't.
    LANCE'S MOM
    You're right. But I was thinking it. Instead I just told her to add more vinegar next time, and -
    Kelly shakes his head as the women natter away .
    KELLY
    I do n't think we can use any of this.
    BART
    Be patient. It's voice activated, so we'll get everything. Trust me. It's going to be great.
    KELLY
    All right, then.
    Kelly gets up to leave while Bart fiddles with the knobs .
    BART
    We reconnoiter tomorrow at nineteen hundred hours.

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT
    Abe and Eve have dinner together .
    EVE
    - And if we do n't sell them there, we'll set up on the corner of Stevens and Lane, by the gas station. That's a good location.
    Eve looks at her husband and sees he 's not paying attention . He seems a little out of it . He 's pushing his food around on his plate .
    EVE
    Are you listening to me?
    ABE
    Did you make this with more chili pepper than usual?
    EVE
    The same as always.
    Kelly comes in , walks through the kitchen and up the stairs .
    EVE
    Kelly. Want dinner?
    KELLY
    ( O.S . )
    I ate.
    His parents eat for a minute in silence . Abe winces and puts down his fork . Eve smiles tenderly at him .
    EVE
    One day, we're all going to be happy.
    Abe puts his hand over hers .
    ABE
    That sounds nice.

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S ROOM - NIGHT
    Bart moves around the room excitedly .
    BART
    It's really too perfect, actually.
    KELLY
    What? What?
    BART
    I ca n't describe. Just hit play. It's all cued up.
    Kelly hits a button . The tape clicks ON . From the speakers comes :
    BRIDGET
    ( recorded . )
    I told you, that makes me nervous. Me no likey.
    LANCE
    But baby, my birthday's coming up.
    BRIDGET
    Still. That's not a good enough reason.
    LANCE
    Come on. A little action. A little prime time action.
    BRIDGET
    But people might see us.
    LANCE
    That's the point. That's what makes it sexxxy. Dangerous.
    Kelly stops the tape .
    KELLY
    Dangerous.
    BART
    Exactly.
    Bart and Kelly share a look . Kelly grins .
    KELLY
    Let's draw up the plans.
    BART
    I have a few notes jotted down.
    All we have to do is fill in the details and let Operation Deadmeat begin .

INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    Bridget primps at her locker while Kelly watches nervously from his . When she starts to close the locker door , Kelly rushes towards her and BUMPS into her . Her books and papers spill to the floor .
    KELLY
    Oh Jesus, I'm so sorry -
    He starts picking them up .
    BRIDGET
    Oh, it's okay -
    She looks around . If Lance showed up it would n't be good for either of them . Kelly hands her the rest of her stuff . They part ways . Kelly shoves a piece of paper into his pocket . Principal Holmstead CLICKS down the hall in her heels and Kelly DUCKS into a doorway just in time . He turns and pretends to look at a posted announcement as she passes .

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Bart inspects Bridget 's book report with a jeweler 's loop . He swings over to a piece of stationary Kelly 's working on .
    BART
    She dots her I's with hearts. And her L's are loopier. The L is very important.
    KELLY
    I'm working on it.
    They both crouch over the paper .
    KELLY
    I feel kind of bad for her. She's a nice girl.
    BART
    Sometimes collateral damage ca n't be avoided.
    KELLY
    Stop it.
    He pushes back from the table .
    KELLY
    How does that look?
    BART
    ( inspecting . )
    Pretty good. I think we're ready to manufacture a document.
    Kelly takes out a fresh sheet of paper .
    BART
    ( clears his throat . )
    Begin. `` Hey Daddy. It's your birthday and you've been a very bad boy. But so has the baby. Both baby and Daddy have to get punished, only this time -

INT. LANCE'S ROOM - NIGHT
    Lance , shirtless , reads aloud from the letter .
    LANCE
    ( Cont . )
    - baby makes the rules. Await further instructions at school tomorrow -

EXT. STREET - DAY
    Bart wears his school uniform and sits in the passenger seat next to Kelly .
    LANCE
    ( V.O. cont'd. ) - Baby will be waiting where Daddy least expects her .
    Love , Bridgie . ''
    Yes !

    BART
    Do you have everything?
    Kelly just looks at him . Bart 's already asked this question .
    BART
    We ca n't afford any errors.
    KELLY
    You do n't need to tell me. It's my ass on the line.
    Kelly pulls up in front of Bart 's school . Bart turns to him and puts a hand on his shoulder .
    BART
    I wish I could be there to see it.
    KELLY
    You'll get the de - brief.
    BART
    It's a day that will live in infamy.
    KELLY
    You could n't do any better than that?
    BART
    I do n't hear you coming up with anything.
    Bart hops out and salutes Kelly , who give him the thumbs up in response and pulls away .

INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    Lance ca n't keep his hands off Bridget .
    BRIDGET
    What's gotten into you?
    LANCE
    Nothing, you bad girl.
    Lance cackles .
    BRIDGET
    Did you drink a bottle of Robitussin before school again?
    The bell RINGS .
    LANCE
    See you soon, my naughty baby.
    Bridget looks a little scared .

INT. HISTORY CLASS
    Lance slouches into a seat next to Kelly , who drops another STATIONARY NOTE into Lance 's open backpack . Kelly watches as Lance grabs his book , sees the note , opens it , and leers .
    LANCE
    It's my birthday! I'm going to get a present.
    Kelly looks down at his desk and smiles .
    LANCE
    Damn it, fuckface. What're you smiling about? You wish you were me.
    Lance raises his hand .
    LANCE
    Mr. Palmer? May I be excused?
    Lance leaves like a house afire .
    KELLY
    ( to himself . )
    Eine maus findet den kase.

INT. HALL
    Lance sneaks down the hall towards the STORAGE CLOSET and whispers into the door .
    LANCE
    Daddy's here for the Easter egg hunt.
    He pulls open the door . Nothing .

INT. STORAGE CLOSET
    Lance turns on the light . No one there . But propped up on the shelf next to a vase with a rose in it is another note .
    LANCE
    Ooh, push my buttons.
    He snatches the note . His eyes widen as he reads .
    LANCE
    Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You little minx.

INT. LANGELY PREP, BATHROOM - DAY
    Bart crouches in the stall , looking at his watch . When the second hand sweeps past the twelve , he opens his cell phone and punches in a number .
    BART
    ( serious grownup voice . )
    Yes, I need to get a message to Bridget Shumann. This is MENSA.

INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH, CAFETERIA/GYM - DAY
    Lunchtime . Typical bedlam . KIDS mill around . At one end of the cafeteria/gym is a small stage , the kind pep rallies are held on . Lance edges his way through the crowd , making a beeline for the STAGE DOOR .

INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH, MAIN OFFICE
    A confused Bridget stands at the SECRETARY 'S desk .
    BRIDGET
    But I just got this note last period.
    SECRETARY
    Well I do n't have anything here for you - let me look again. Oh yes, the MENSA called.
    The secretary hands Bridget the message . She looks at it .
    BRIDGET
    Cool. They want me to be an honorary member.
    ( pause . )
    Is that like a sorority or something?

INT. BACKSTAGE
    Lance looks around eagerly . He peeks through the curtains at all the kids and can barely contain his excitement .
    LANCE
    Bridgie? Come on, daddy's sick. He needs his medicine.
    He spots a WOMAN in the shadows . It must be Bridget . He unbuckles his pants and lets them drop to him knees .
    LANCE
    I brought our friend along. He's happy to see you.
    He rips off his shirt and shuffles across the dark stage toward her .

INT. LIGHTING BOOTH
    Kelly looks at his watch .

INT. LANGELY PREP CLASSROOM
    Bart looks at his watch in anticipation .

INT. LIGHTING BOOTH
    Kelly flicks a switch and presses a button .

INT. CAFETERIA
    The crowd falls silent and turns towards the mechanical sound of the STAGE CURTAIN OPENING . They squint from the BRIGHT STAGE LIGHTS . SHOCK ripples through the crowd as they take in the tableau revealed to them : A frozen half - naked Lance on his knees before a BLOW - UP DOLL tied to a chair .
    LANCE
    What the fuck are you all looking at?
    Bridget , standing in the doorway , covers her mouth in horror .
    STUDENT 1
    Look, he's got a hard on.
    STUDENT 2
    Eeeeew.
    Lance stumbles off stage to HOOTS and CATCALLS , but mostly hysterical LAUGHTER .

INT. LIGHTING BOOTH
    Kelly smiles , laughs and claps his hands with delight . Then he returns to military precision . He turns all the switches back to how they were and uses his shirtsleeve to cover the doorknob so as not to leave fingerprints .

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, DAD'S LIBRARY - NIGHT
    Bart pours them two glasses of his dad 's scotch . He 's overjoyed .
    BART
    You're kidding me.
    KELLY
    Yup. There it was. The whole school saw it. Was n't too impressive either.
    They raise their glasses to each other .
    BART
    To Operation Mincemeat.
    KELLY
    To the 193rd.
    They both take swallows of scotch . Kelly retches .
    BART
    How does it feel to give better than you get?
    Kelly finishes his scotch .
    KELLY
    Good. Real good.
    BART
    You want some more?
    KELLY
    ( croaking . )
    Do n't mind if I do.
    BART
    That's my boy.
    The drink again . Kelly 's feet are up . For the first time , he looks comfortable .

INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT
    Sarah stands at her register , flipping through a magazine . Kelly pulls up on the ELECTRO - SHOPPER with field goggles on .
    KELLY
    You know what this is?
    He puts his foot down like a kickstand .
    KELLY
    Eighteen volts of pure freedom.
    SARAH
    Sounds dangerous.
    KELLY
    Oh, it is. Unless you know how to handle it.
    Kelly runs his hand lovingly along the frame . Then he looks up at Sarah .
    KELLY
    You ever seen the freshly waxed floor in the produce section glistening under full florescence? It's breathtaking.
    Sarah gets on behind him .
    KELLY
    Hold on tight.
    He puts his foot up and kicks it into gear . The Electro - shopper takes off - barely . Kelly takes the corner too sharp and clips the edge of an END CAP DISPLAY of cereal boxes - they fall to the floor . The Electro - shopper inches forward .
    KELLY
    Close call.
    SARAH
    Have you been drinking?

INT. PARENT'S BEDROOM - MORNING
    Kelly looks in at his parents , checking to make sure they 're still asleep . When he leaves ABE opens his eyes and listens to the door CLOSE downstairs .

INT. EVE'S STUDIO
    Kelly throws some paints and brushes into his backpack .

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly stands awkwardly on the front stoop with his backpack . Minnie opens the door .
    MINNIE
    Kelly? Bart's not here, he -
    KELLY
    Oh, that's all right. Actually, I'm here to see Tabby. Just to do a little painting with her.
    MINNIE
    She's out back in her studio.
    KELLY
    Thanks.

INT. TABBY'S STUDIO
    Tabby stands barefoot in the sunlight , a palette knife in her hand . Music 's playing . Jeff Buckley . She looks over as the door opens , surprised .
    TABBY
    Kelly?
    KELLY
    Hey. I warned you I'd come.
    TABBY
    You did.
    She goes back to painting . Kelly stands there for a minute , waiting for her to say something else , give him an invitation . She does n't . Until she looks up and sees him standing in the same place .
    KELLY
    Maybe I should go -
    TABBY
    Well you're here now. Go ahead. Set your canvas up. Use one of the ones in the corner.
    Kelly looks through them and picks one .
    TABBY
    Brushes are in the jar. Paint's in the drawer.
    KELLY
    I brought my own.
    He takes off his backpack and opens it .
    TABBY
    Well then.
    Kelly busies himself pulling out paints and other supplies . He ca n't help but look at her . The light hits her hair and she glows . She catches him looking .
    KELLY
    Does it mess up your concentration? Me being here?
    TABBY
    No.
    She turns back to her painting .
    KELLY
    Oh. That's good.
    Kelly sets up his canvas .
    TABBY
    Just do n't talk.
    KELLY
    Why would I?
    TABBY
    ( pause . )
    I'm kidding.
    KELLY
    Right. Irony. I like that.
    Kelly feels the tubes of paint . Nervous . Squirts some color out . Looks over his shoulder at her . He 's trying to get his act together , to be cool about being there , in the studio , alone with her . Trying to figure out how to play it .
    MINER
    ( O.S . )
    Hey! Hey babe.
    Miner opens the door . See Kelly . Smiles like the stockbroker he is and crosses to him .
    MINER
    Miner Webber.
    Miner holds out his hand for a good old - fashioned shake . Kelly takes it .
    KELLY
    Webber Miner.
    Miner looks confused .
    TABBY
    Kelly. This is Kelly -
    KELLY
    Kelly Ernswiler. Sorry. I -
    MINER
    Quite all right.
    ( smiles as an afterthought . )
    So, what do we have here, a little painting class?
    TABBY
    Kelly's a friend of Bart's. He paints.
    MINER
    Oh? What's your real job?
    Kelly smiles eagerly at Miner over the edge of his canvas .
    KELLY
    That would be stock boy at the Shop Rite. But, as President Don Kaminsky says, every employee is part owner. So you could say I'm a captain - of - industry in training. Kind of capitalist larva.
    MINER
    That's quite an image.
    KELLY
    Only if you see the most magical part. Do you see?
    MINER
    What?
    Kelly spreads his arms out and flaps them a little .
    KELLY
    One day I'll be a beautiful butterfly. First I'll have to be a pupa though. I figure I wo n't be going out much then. Pupa : the awkward adolescence of the insect world.
    Miner stares at Kelly . He ca n't tell what he might be making fun of , or if it might be him .
    MINER
    Whatever it takes to get you through the day.
    Kelly rolls his eyes at this uninspired response , though Miner does n't see it . He grabs Tabby 's paintbrush and pulls her to him .
    MINER
    I have the afternoon off. Come away with me.
    TABBY
    I'm not at a good stopping point.
    MINER
    Oh, come on. They'll still be here.
    ( to Kelly . )
    I know you'll still be here.
    Kelly smiles his most idiotic energetic smile and slaps paint on his canvas in exaggerated strokes .
    TABBY
    I really should n't.
    MINER
    But everyone will be coming soon. And it will get all crazy, and we wo n't have any time to ourselves.
    TABBY
    We will. I promise.
    Tabby kisses Miner . He realizes there 's no convincing her and sighs .
    MINER
    Like tonight? We can practice honeymoon suite.
    TABBY
    Maybe. Probably.
    Miner looks at Kelly , who looks away . Then he puts his hands in his pockets and leaves . Tabby and Kelly paint in silence for a while . Kelly moves around to look at his canvas from different angles , like he 's copying what he thinks a painter would do .
    KELLY
    Is he always like that?
    TABBY
    Like what?
    KELLY
    Overbearing.
    Tabby stops and puts down her brush .
    TABBY
    Just because he did n't want to picture you as a pupa?
    KELLY
    Oh, he will - later. When he's alone. Whether he wants to or not.
    Kelly paints .
    KELLY
    Not that though. How he wanted you to stop.
    TABBY
    He wants to be with me. What's so bad about that?
    KELLY
    Just because some one wants to be with you does n't mean they're good for you.
    Kelly is suddenly very involved with his painting . He has a hard time making eye contact with Tabby .
    KELLY
    No one should ever ask you to stop. If you stop, you might not be able to start again. Or you might start again, only things will be different.
    TABBY
    Well, that's sweet -
    KELLY
    It's not sweet, actually. It's just the truth.
    TABBY
    Hey, I can take care of myself.
    She picks up her brush .
    KELLY
    When's the wedding?
    TABBY
    At the end of the month. But do n't ask me about it. It makes me nervous.
    Kelly looks at her seriously .
    KELLY
    Why? Is something wrong?
    TABBY
    No.
    Awkward silence .
    TABBY
    What are you painting?
    Kelly stops and sighs , now back in serious artist mode .
    KELLY
    Really, there are so many layers of - imagistic symbolism - that I really do n't feel comfortable summing it up, but, well - it's a recurring dream image. A mermaid riding a rocket ship.
    Tabby stops painting .
    TABBY
    How?
    KELLY
    What do you mean, `` how?'' Sidesaddle. She's riding it sidesaddle. She's got a fish tail, for chrissake. I have n't decided yet if she's got scuba gear on or not.
    TABBY
    Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
    Kelly puts up his thumb in an approximation of an artist 's gesture .
    KELLY
    Does that matter?
    TABBY
    Well, some people actually say what they really think.
    KELLY
    What if they do n't know what they really think?
    TABBY
    It does n't matter. It's called being yourself.
    KELLY
    Sounds boring.
    TABBY
    Not boring. Scary and wonderful and exciting.
    Kelly stops squeezing paint onto his palette . His gestures slow down . He 's taking this in . Then he shakes it off .
    KELLY
    Hey. I'm trying to create here. Stop distracting me.

INT. EVE'S STUDIO - NIGHT
    Kelly comes in to return the art supplies . Xiou - Xiou 's alone working . She looks up and smiles at Kelly .
    KELLY
    Mom's got you working late?
    XIOU-XIOU
    No.
    Kelly walks over and sees what she 's working on . A beautiful spare Chinese landscape .
    KELLY
    Wow. You're really good. Why do you make those stupid animals for mom?
    XIOU-XIOU
    Each painting is a lesson. Here -
    She gets out a piece of paper for him .
    KELLY
    I'm making a lot of art these days. I guess that means a lot of lessons.
    XIOU-XIOU
    Each line has a whole drawing contained in it. Each drawing has a whole life contained in it.
    KELLY
    Oh, that's all?
    Kelly watches her for a minute , the delicate whoop and swirl of her strokes . He dips a brush into the ink and watches Xiou - Xiou 's restrained and confident movements . Eve leans against the doorframe .
    EVE
    Hey you two. I'll try not to act surprised. It might spoil the moment.
    Kelly puts down the paintbrush .
    KELLY
    I ca n't do this. I have to go.
    EVE
    Keller, I think I'm missing some art supplies. Have you seen them around the house?
    Kelly avoids her eyes as he leaves .
    KELLY
    No, I have n't.
    EVE
    I do n't know what to do with him.
    XIOU-XIOU
    You son is not yet cooked. Give him time.
    Eve looks over Xiou - Xiou 's shoulder .
    EVE
    When are you going to let me give you your own show? We could do it for real.
    XIOU-XIOU
    No problem. When you offer me an eighty - twenty split.

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, DINING ROOM - NIGHT
    Kelly eats with the Bowlands - Bart 's mom , MATHILDA , his dad HARRISON , and Tabby and Bart . The Bowlands dress up a bit for dinner , like any good Wasp family .
    BART
    ( to Harrison . )
    - But I told you I want to take German -
    HARRISON
    German's a Cold War language. You ca n't get any kind of State Department position without more diverse linguistic training than that. You'll take Chinese.
    Bart frowns .
    HARRISON
    Are we on the same page?
    BART
    ( mutters . )
    Same page.
    Everyone eats in silence .
    MATHILDA
    ( to Tabby . )
    So darling, when are you going to bite the bullet and do the seating arrangement?
    Tabby puts down her fork .
    TABBY
    I ca n't deal with that stuff, ma. I do n't care who sits next to whom. I should have eloped.
    KELLY
    After all, Mrs. Bowland, sometimes when you bite the bullet, it explodes in your mouth.
    Mathilda looks surprised . This could go either way .
    MATHILDA
    ( tentatively . )
    Why, I've never thought about it before but that is a rather strange expression, is n't it? You would n't say, `` Sooner or later you've got to put the grenade in your pants,'' would you?
    HARRISON
    But have you ever noticed how in movies they always bite the grenade before they throw it?
    KELLY
    Yeah, but they never take a bite out of their pants.
    Everyone but Bart LAUGHS . Tabby throws Kelly a grateful glance , for getting her out of a conversation she did n't want to have .
    MATHILDA
    What an unusual conversation! Do you have similar discussions at the dinner table with your family, Kelly?
    KELLY
    Basically. I ask why all the furniture is missing and my Dad reminisces about dropping acid and watching Neil Armstrong walk on the moon.
    All but Bart LAUGHS again .
    TABBY
    He talks about art.
    BART/MATHILDA
    You do?
    Kelly looks down at his plate .
    KELLY
    My mother's kind of an artist, so -
    HARRISON
    You come from a creative family, do you?
    Mathilda salts her food .
    MATHILDA
    I wish my boys would talk to me about my passions. I ca n't get them anywhere near the subject of my garden.
    KELLY
    I noticed your magnolias. Very fine specimens.
    MATHILDA
    They are fine, are n't they?
    Mathilda beams .
    BART
    ( ironic . )
    Is there nothing you ca n't discuss?
    If anyone notices the slight edge to Bart 's voice , they ignore it .
    HARRISON
    Here, Kelly, try a bit of these leeks. Minnie has a way with the white sauce.

INT. BART'S ROOM
    Kelly and Bart play PlayStation II `` Medal of Honor '' in Bart 's bedroom . Bart is sulking , almost imperceptibly .
    BART
    My dad has this friend who's a director. He's shooting a documentary for the History Channel.
    KELLY
    Cool.
    BART
    He needs some guys to do a reenactment of some European theater battles for him.
    Kelly stops playing and looks at Bart .
    KELLY
    We're going to be on the History Channel?
    Bart 's eyes stay on the screen .
    BART
    I have n't asked you yet.
    KELLY
    Oh, come on.
    Kelly jabs at his controller .
    BART
    Well, if you want to. Next weekend. But you have to take it seriously.
    Kelly gives Bart a derisive glance .
    KELLY
    What do you mean? Of course I will.
    The flickering TV light illuminates Bart 's pinched look .
    BART
    From what I've seen, you play fast and loose with your characterizations. This has got to be straight up.
    This annoys Kelly .
    KELLY
    I'm not `` fast and loose.'' I play the emotional truth. I make it real.
    Bart glances at him .
    BART
    Like back in the dining room?
    KELLY
    What does that have to do with it?
    Bart shakes his head .
    BART
    ( mimics . )
    `` I noticed your magnolias. Very fine specimens.'' That was real?
    Kelly 's video game character dies . He drops the controller .
    KELLY
    What is this about?
    BART
    ( shrugs . )
    You just seem to have your own agenda, that's all.
    Bart plays on . He 's keeping a lid on everything while Kelly gets more and more agitated .
    KELLY
    My own agenda? What other reason is there to do anything?
    BART
    I'm just saying. I know the difference between fantasy and reality.
    Kelly looks at Bart in disbelief .
    KELLY
    Are you saying I do n't?
    Bart wo n't meet his eyes .
    BART
    I do n't know.
    Bart pauses the game .
    BART
    Why did n't you tell me your dad was a burn - out?
    Kelly gets up and grabs his jacket .
    KELLY
    Why do you steal from yours?
    He leaves . Bart un - pauses the game and continues playing .

INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    Kelly drinks from the fountain and wipes his mouth on his sleeve . Principal Holmstead 's smiling face greets him when he straightens up .
    PRINCIPAL
    Kelly! I told some of your teachers about your presentation. We're all really looking forward to it.
    Kelly frowns at the Principal 's back as she CLICKS away . Sarah appears . They walk down the hall together .
    SARAH
    What presentation?
    KELLY
    I do n't want to talk about it. As a matter of fact, do me a favor and pretend you never heard anything about it.
    SARAH
    Okay. Um.
    KELLY
    What, Sarah?
    SARAH
    It's nothing. I -
    Kelly starts to pull ahead .
    SARAH
    I have an extra ticket to Aerosmith this weekend.
    KELLY
    Aw Sarah, that's really great, I mean. It's just that - I'm busy.
    SARAH
    Oh. Yeah, I figured. Okay. I'll see you in the dairy section, though.
    KELLY
    Right.
    She stands there looking lost .

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly smoothes the cover over his Jeep . Bart pulls up to the curb in his BMW .
    KELLY
    What are you doing here?
    BART
    I tracked you down. There's someone I'd like you to meet.

INT. OLD SOLDIERS' HOME - DAY
    A few OLD SOLDIERS sit sunning in chairs in the industrial feeling living - room . Bart and Kelly sit across from CHARLIE HAYES , an old black guy , playing dominos .
    CHARLIE
    ( to Kelly . )
    Are you one too?
    KELLY
    Yup.
    CHARLIE
    And what do you see in that?
    KELLY
    Living, dying, camaraderie, bravery - the big stuff. Things we do n't have anymore.
    CHARLIE
    I see.
    Charlie sorts his tiles and scowls . He leans in to Kelly 's face , giving him the eye .
    CHARLIE
    And do you think it's brave getting trench foot and syphilis, eating another ration of spoiled frank and beans out of a dented can?
    Kelly is taken aback by this .
    KELLY
    Well, no -
    Charlie leans back and nods , thinking about Kelly 's response . He no longer seems angry .
    CHARLIE
    Yeah, that would n't be much fun, would it?
    KELLY
    No, sir.
    Charlie sets down a tile and pulls at his chin .
    CHARLIE
    Parts of it were kind of fun though. I got separated from my platoon and lived for two weeks in the forest of the Ardennes living off what I could kill.
    ( pause . )
    I felt very close to the land.
    Bart gives Kelly a significant look . Kelly does n't notice . He 's looking closely at Charlie .

EXT. GAS STATION - DAY
    Kelly sits in the car . Bart pumps gas . They talk through the window .
    BART
    I met him when my mom made me go around caroling with the Youth Group.
    KELLY
    You do n't really believe that stuff about Berlin? And Hitler's compound?
    BART
    Does it matter?
    KELLY
    Of course it matters. Does n't the truth matter?
    Bart grins .
    BART
    I do n't know. You tell me.
    Kelly avoids this by getting out of the car .
    KELLY
    I want a drink. Let me borrow a couple bucks.
    BART
    I told you not to play him for money.
    KELLY
    I was trying to be nice. He's your friend.
    Bart returns the pump and screws in the gas cap .
    BART
    Exactly. You should know better. What do you want.
    KELLY
    Mountain Dew -
    Just then he glances towards the gas station and sees EVE , set up in the adjacent abandoned lot . She 's got the van parked there with the sliding door open and paintings propped around on display .
    KELLY
    - Oh shit.
    But Eve has seen him . She shields her eyes with her hand and calls to him .
    EVE
    Kelly!
    Kelly backtracks towards the car .
    BART
    That woman's calling you.
    Eve walks over to them . Kelly ca n't get out of it .
    KELLY
    ( low . )
    Bart. Meet my mom.
    Eve smiles brightly .
    EVE
    What a nice surprise. It's so nice to finally meet you.
    Bart is surprised but recovers his manners quickly , just like he 's been taught to .
    BART
    Likewise. So, doing a little business?
    EVE
    A little is right. But I work it as much as I can.
    Eve laughs . Kelly shifts his weight from foot to foot . Eve looks at both of them .
    EVE
    So, what have you boys been up to?
    KELLY
    Bart took me to meet his friend Charlie at the Old Soldiers' Home.
    EVE
    Charlie at the Old Soldiers' Home?
    KELLY
    You do n't know him.
    EVE
    You boys should swing by Care House. There are some Vets there.
    KELLY
    We ca n't.
    EVE
    Oh. Well - okay.
    Eve watches a car pull into the lot next to the van .
    EVE
    I should go. But you boys should come over to our house some time.
    ( to Bart . )
    I know your family must get tired of him.
    Kelly visibly bristles at the thought of his parents entertaining Bart .
    BART
    Not at all. But I'd love to, anyway.
    Eve looks at Kelly . Then she runs back over to the van .
    KELLY
    There you go. Now you know everything.
    BART
    What's your problem? She's pretty cute.
    Kelly rolls his eyes and gets back in the car .
    BART
    Do n't you want your soda?
    KELLY
    Forget it.

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Kelly watches Bart pick through parts of his uniform . After the encounter with mom , he 's retreated into himself .
    BART
    So filming's on Saturday. Can you make it?
    KELLY
    Are you kidding?
    BART
    Good. It's gon na be really cool. He's got an explosives expert coming.
    Kelly does n't say anything .
    BART
    What's up?
    Kelly runs his hand through his hair . He ca n't bring himself to say what 's really on his mind .
    KELLY
    Remember that stupid speech?
    Kelly picks up Bart 's Colt and sights with it . Bart frowns . He knows Kelly 's avoiding the real stuff .
    KELLY
    I'm supposed to give it next week.
    Bart polishes his combat boots .
    BART
    Maybe you should talk to my dad about it.
    KELLY
    You think he'd go for that?
    Bart keeps his head down , polishes intently .
    BART
    Of course. He loves you. He was talking the other day about helping you out.
    ( ironic . )
    Want to go to Dartmouth?
    KELLY
    Are you serious?
    BART
    He was. If you applied for Spring Semester, he could `` pull some strings.''
    KELLY
    ( shakes his head slowly . )
    I do n't think that would work for me. Considering - my background.
    BART
    Yeah, probably not.
    KELLY
    I'm not properly socialized. I would n't fit in.
    Bart checks his bandoleer and cartridges .
    BART
    That's bullshit.
    KELLY
    No, it's not.
    BART
    Tell that to my family. They're like your fucking fan club.
    Bart pauses , darts his eyes at Kelly .
    BART
    Even Tabby likes you.
    KELLY
    So much she ratted me out to you.
    BART
    Well, she's inviting you to the wedding.
    KELLY
    Oh.
    Bart watches Kelly 's face .
    BART
    But you probably wo n't enjoy that much, will you?
    KELLY
    I do n't know what you're talking about. Weddings? I love weddings. I always get drunk and make out with someone's cousin.
    Bart throws his olive drab socks at Kelly 's head .
    BART
    Good, I'll call mom's nephew Fletcher and tell him to expect a little action.
    KELLY
    Fletcher, eh?
    BART
    He's twelve. Let me give some advice. He's very into sharks at the moment.

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - NIGHT
    Kelly waves to Minnie and goes out the front door . There he pauses , trying to decide what to do . Then he scowls . He goes around the corner . Towards Tabby 's studio .

INT. TABBY'S STUDIO
    Tabby sits on the couch facing away from the door . Kelly enters .
    KELLY
    Why did you tell -
    Tabby turns toward him . She 's crying .
    KELLY
    What? Oh, I'm sorry.
    He knows he should leave , but Kelly just stands there . Kelly runs his hand along his pants in a nervous gesture . Tabby dabs at her face .
    TABBY
    Miner and I broke up.
    Beat .
    KELLY
    I'm sorry.
    TABBY
    Yeah.
    KELLY
    Honestly? I did n't think you two were right for each other.
    TABBY
    You did, huh?
    Kelly walks over to her painting .
    KELLY
    Like this painting. Stare at it too long and you ca n't see it anymore. But if someone else sees it for the first time, they can tell exactly what it is.
    TABBY
    I do n't need any more bullshit right now.
    Kelly stops , taken aback . He walks away from the painting .
    KELLY
    He could never understand you.
    TABBY
    I'm not as complicated as you think.
    Kelly walks to the window and looks out .
    KELLY
    I never said you were complicated.
    Tabby laughs/cries at this .
    TABBY
    Oh.
    KELLY
    He just was n't the right one.
    Tabby nods . She 's starting to calm down a little .
    TABBY
    There's more to it than that.
    Tabby looks at her shredded tissue . Kelly sits down on the couch next to her .
    KELLY
    I'm really sorry. I really am.
    TABBY
    Thanks.
    Kelly pats her knee awkwardly .
    KELLY
    Do n't cry.
    Tabby turns her face to Kelly 's .
    TABBY
    You like me, do n't you?
    KELLY
    Of course.
    Tabby closes her eyes .
    TABBY
    No, I mean - you like me.
    Kelly looks scared . He wants to retreat . But he calms himself down .
    KELLY
    Yeah. I think you're amazing.
    TABBY
    Well, do something.
    Long pause . Then - Kelly kisses her . She kisses back and they fall against the couch together .

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - NIGHT
    BART
    ( O.S . )
    All right, all right. I'm going.
    Bart comes out in his pajamas to turn off the sprinkler . He looks up and freezes . Kelly comes out of Tabby 's studio . He shuts the door carefully and walks around the pool . Kelly does n't see Bart . Bart does n't say anything . He just watches Kelly go .

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly throws parts of his soldier 's kit onto his bed from corners of the room . The canteen underhand . The Jeep cap as a free throw . This is the best day of his life . Until he finds his uniform crumpled up behind the door , still crusted with mud .
    KELLY
    Damn it. Damn it.
    He flops on his bed . But he ca n't help it . Soon he 's smiling again . He gets up , gathers up the uniform , and tears out of the room .

INT. KITCHEN
    Kelly comes down the stairs two at a time , singing . Eve and Abe watch surprised from the table . Abe looks pale .
    KELLY
    What?

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S ROOM - NIGHT
    Bart sits in his desk chair , frowning . Mathilda knocks and opens the door .
    MATHILDA
    Minnie's starting dinner. Is Kelly coming over?
    BART
    Not tonight, ma.
    Mathilda pauses and looks at her son .
    MATHILDA
    Okay, then.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY
    An ASSISTANT DIRECTOR and CAMERAMAN unload equipment from a van . The DIRECTOR looks off into the distance , trying to visualize . Kelly pulls up next to the van . He wears a spotlessly clean uniform .
    DIRECTOR
    Are you with the 101st or the 82nd?
    KELLY
    Well, 82nd today. It's not my usual division. Technically, my patches indicate -
    DIRECTOR
    Whatever. Make yourself comfortable. We'll be a while setting up. Some of the other boys are over by craft service.
    KELLY
    Oh?
    Kelly does n't go anywhere .
    DIRECTOR
    The snack table. It's over there. Someone will come get you when we're ready.
    KELLY
    Right. Is Bart Bowland here yet?
    DIRECTOR
    Bart? Oh, Harrison's son. I do n't know.
    KELLY
    Ok. Thanks.
    CRAFT SERVICE Kelly and a half dozen other SOLDIERS stand or sit in the grass around the table . They talk and rest on their backpacks . A MAKEUP ARTIST makes the rounds .
    MAKEUP ARTIST
    ( to Kelly . )
    And you are?
    KELLY
    Kelly Ernswiler, private first class.
    MAKEUP ARTIST
    All right, Kelly. Let's take a look at you.
    She gets out some pomade and runs a comb through his hair , slicking it back .
    MAKEUP ARTIST
    That's it, handsome.
    Kelly grins . When she walks away he messes up his hair again . He scans the crowd . No Bart . The A.D. walks over .
    A.D.
    Okay, everyone. We're going to start positioning. Then we'll go through a few rehearsals.
    ( points at soldiers . )
    You, you and you - go over there by that tree. You and you guys, behind the hill.
    ( looks at clipboard . )
    Okay, who's got the Jeep?
    KELLY
    That MG? She's mine.
    A.D.
    Great. We'd like to use it. Can you drive it beyond the hill over there?
    Kelly tries to act casual .
    KELLY
    Sure. I do n't think that would be a problem.
    He walks towards his Jeep and pauses .
    KELLY
    Have you seen Bart Bowland? Has he checked in?
    A.D.
    Do n't know. We've got enough people. It does n't matter.
    Kelly nods , wondering a bit . But it 's soon forgotten .
    KELLY
    ( to Jeep . )
    Hot Lips, old girl, you're going to be famous.
    A.D.
    ( yells . )
    Okay people. Listen to my voice. From now on, you do whatever this voice says. Take your place.
    BEHIND THE HILL Kelly waits with his rifle next to his Jeep , bored . He sees a FIGURE in the shadows of the trees . He raises his rifle and points it at the figure .
    KELLY
    Password.
    Bart steps out of the barn .
    KELLY
    Hey! Where the hell have you been?
    BART
    No where.
    KELLY
    They put you over here with me? That's great. I think we'll get some close - ups. They want me to drive old Lippy. Is n't that awesome?
    Bart does n't say anything .
    KELLY
    What the hell's your problem?
    BART
    I ought to fucking kill you.
    KELLY
    What?
    BART
    You had to do it.
    Kelly shakes his head , avoiding Bart 's eyes , trying to keep it normal .
    KELLY
    What are you talking about?
    BART
    You just do whatever the fuck you want. And consequences do n't matter, do they?
    KELLY
    Are you out of your mind?
    Bart looks at Kelly . Sees nothing but a kid in an old Army uniform .
    BART
    What the fuck do you think she's going to do, run off with you?
    The blood rises to Kelly 's face . But he still wo n't look at Bart .
    BART
    You're a seventeen - year - old bag boy. She's a Yale grad student. Talk about living in a fucking fantasy world.
    Kelly 's hands turn white around the rifle .
    KELLY
    No. You'd rather have me be miserable like you are.
    Bart comes closer . Uncomfortably close .
    BART
    ( biting sarcasm . )
    Once again, you've displayed your uncanny ability to nail the truth of a character.
    Kelly finally raises his head . And looks Bart right in the eyes .
    KELLY
    Stop talking out your dad's mouth and use your own for once.
    Bart lunges at Kelly .

EXT. FILM SHOOT
    The camera 's set up . The groups are in position . The A.D. stands by the cameraman .
    A.D.
    Standby for rehearsal. Cue the explosion.
    GRAY CLOUD EXPLODES In the field . Soldiers leap out of trenches .
    A.D.
    Cue the Jeep.
    Nothing happens .
    A.D.
    Cue the Jeep. Cue the fucking Jeep!
    The A.D. shakes his head . BEHIND THE BARN The A.D. comes around the corner followed by the cameraman . Bart and Kelly roll around on the ground .
    A.D.
    What the H. Christ is going on over here?
    Bart and Kelly continue to fight .
    A.D.
    ( to cameraman . )
    Hey, roll this. Get this. Are you getting this?
    The cameraman puts his camera up to his eye and films . Kelly finally pushes Bart off him , gets in his Jeep and drives away .
    A.D.
    ( to cameraman . )
    Follow him. Are you getting it?
    Bart sits on the ground , out of breath .
    A.D.
    We can use this. We'll cut it together.
    The A.D. directs the camera at Bart .
    A.D.
    Get close on him.
    Bart pushes the camera away .

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, KELLY'S ROOM - DAY
    Kelly lays in bed staring at the ceiling . There 's a cut across his eyebrow . Eve comes in carrying her car keys and sits on the bed .
    KELLY
    I do n't want to talk about it.
    EVE
    Well, you're going to have to. Your father's at the hospital.
    KELLY
    Which one of his loser friends ended up there?
    Eve plays with her keys . Then she stops .
    EVE
    They think he has stomach cancer.
    Kelly feels the sensation of falling , like a dream . Then he snorts and rolls over , away from his mom .
    KELLY
    Oh this is just perfect.
    Eve looks at the back of Kelly 's head . She 's tired but still trying to deal .
    EVE
    Why would you say something like that?
    KELLY
    Because it seems to fit.
    EVE
    `` Seems to fit.'' Do you understand what I just said?
    Kelly gets up . Puts his feet on the floor . His shoulders are slumped .
    KELLY
    Why, do you want to say it again?
    EVE
    Kelly -
    KELLY
    I have to go to work.
    He gets up and holds the door open for her . Eve looks at him , heart heavy . She leaves . Kelly sits on the bed . Then he looks at the rabbit painting . He grabs it off the wall and SLAMS it backwards against the floor so he does n't have to look at it . The painting falls back against the bayonet fixed to Kelly 's rifle and TEARS . He KICKS it .

INT. GROCERY STORE - NIGHT
    Kelly angrily wrestles with giant boxes of paper towels . He RIPS open the box and they roll everywhere . Sarah watches from checkout . She comes over to help him pick them up .
    SARAH
    I forgot to tell you this box was booby - trapped.
    Kelly does n't say anything .
    SARAH
    The concert was lame. The opening act singer ripped his leather pants during a stupid dance routine and stormed off stage.
    ( pause , looks at his cut . )
    Are you okay?
    KELLY
    No.
    SARAH
    Lance?
    KELLY
    No.
    Kelly gathers an armful of paper towels .
    KELLY
    Listen, I'm busy.
    SARAH
    Sure. I understand.
    KELLY
    I doubt it.
    Sarah puts a couple of rolls on the shelf .
    SARAH
    Um, I do n't have a perfect life, if that's what you're asking.
    Kelly stops what he 's doing .
    KELLY
    No, Sarah, actually, I'm not asking. I never ask you anything but you just talk anyway. Have you ever noticed that?
    Sarah drops the rolls she had in her hands .
    SARAH
    Fuck you.
    She leaves . Kelly shakes his head .

INT. TABBY'S STUDIO - MORNING
    Kelly , still in his work clothes , comes in without knocking .
    KELLY
    Hey, I hoped you were up -
    He stops when he sees Tabby and Miner sleeping together on the couch . Tabby opens her eyes .
    TABBY
    Kelly?
    Kelly goes and takes his painting off the easel .
    KELLY
    I just came to get this.
    Kelly leaves .

EXT. BOWLAND YARD
    Tabby follows Kelly across the yard .
    TABBY
    Hey.
    Kelly stops and turns around .
    KELLY
    I guess the wedding's back on.
    TABBY
    We talked.
    Tabby smiles sadly .
    TABBY
    I'm really sorry.
    KELLY
    Do n't be.
    They stand there in the yard . Tabby wraps her arms around herself .
    KELLY
    My dad's got cancer.
    Tabby looks at Kelly , pained .
    TABBY
    Oh, Kelly.
    She takes a step towards him . He backs up .
    KELLY
    I guess we all get what we deserve.
    Kelly looks at Tabby for a second , then turns and walks away .

EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY
    Kelly drives along an open stretch of road . He throws the painting out of the Jeep . He comes to a turn and takes it much too fast . The Jeep SKIDS , teeters on two wheels , and goes over the embankment . BOTTOM OF DITCH Steam trails up from the Jeep 's radiator . The front end is completely smashed . Kelly bangs his fist against the steering wheel .
    KELLY
    Stupid bitch.
    Then he calm himself , gets out , and starts walking .

EXT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    Kelly rides an old bike up to the bike rack and locks it .

INT. HISTORY CLASS
    Kelly comes in late .
    MR. NORMAN
    Kelly! There you are. I was just telling the class about our special treat today. Mr. Ernswiler is going to be giving the three first - period history classes a little talk about the Civil War.
    Kelly closes his eyes . He had forgotten - or tried to forget .
    MR. NORMAN
    Let's all make our way in an orderly fashion down to the auditorium, shall we?
    The class bolts for the door .
    MR. NORMAN
    Orderly, I said orderly.
    Mr. Norman looks at Kelly pleasantly .
    MR. NORMAN
    Well, what are we waiting for? I'm so looking forward to hearing your views.

INT. AUDITORIUM
    Kelly sits in a chair on the stage next to Mr. Norman . A scattering of KIDS sit out in the auditorium . Principal Holmstead stands at the podium .
    HOLMSTEAD
    For those of you who have n't had the chance to get to know Kelly, you should know he has a very interesting hobby. He takes part in reenactments of World War II battles right here in Ohio.
    AUDIENCE KID
    I did that too. When I was seven.
    Scattered LAUGHTER . Kelly frowns .
    HOLMSTEAD
    He has an unusual first - hand knowledge of history. We recently discovered that this extends beyond World War II to the Civil War, which he is going to discuss with you today. Kelly?
    Kelly rises to scant applause . He stands at the podium , looking out at the crowd . He looks down and thinks . He looks back up . The silence stretches . Kids start giggling . Finally he leans into the microphone .
    KELLY
    I'm sorry.
    He walks off stage .
    HOLMSTEAD
    ( to Mr. Norman . )
    Well, go after him.

EXT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH - DAY
    On his knees Kelly fumbles with his bike lock , getting madder and madder . Just as he 's about to get it undone - Lance appears .
    LANCE
    What, they re - assign you to the bicycle brigade?
    Kelly frowns at the lock .
    KELLY
    I'm busy.
    LANCE
    Too bad, cause I'm not. Remember that little show I put on for the school?
    KELLY
    I do n't know what you're talking about.
    LANCE
    Oh, come on. Pants down? Doll? Hard on?
    Kelly looks up at Lance .
    KELLY
    Oh that. I heard about it.
    LANCE
    And did you hear me and Bridget are n't going out anymore because of it?
    KELLY
    I have n't been following the story.
    LANCE
    Yeah well, let's get this over with.
    KELLY
    It is over.
    Lance pushes Kelly away from his bike . Kelly falls back on his hands . He squints up at Lance and moves back towards his bike . Lance KICKS him back with his foot and looks at him .
    KELLY
    Just let me go home.
    LANCE
    Did you call me a homo?
    Lance KICKS him again . Kelly breathes hard .
    KELLY
    This is n't a good time for me. Let's re - schedule.
    LANCE
    No time like the present.
    Lance picks Kelly up and SLAPS him hard on the face .
    KELLY
    First you should probably get me to write home to my mother.
    Lance PUNCHES Kelly and he reels . Then Kelly lunges for him and they fall to the ground . Kelly swings wildly but Lance pins him down and gives him a few good ones . Then Mr. Norman comes out .
    MR. NORMAN
    Stop it!
    Mr. Norman rushes over to them . Kelly scrambles up and rips at his bike lock , gets on his bike and rides away . Mr. Norman tries to take a panting Lance by the arm but Lance shakes him off .
    LANCE
    Get off me.

EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly rides by his house and keeps going .

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY
    Kelly stops and looks up at the hospital but ca n't bring himself to go in . He pedals on .

EXT. CLEVELAND WATERFRONT - DAY
    Kelly sits on the loading dock of an abandoned factory . He watches the rusty barges glitter on the water . The wind ruffles his sweaty hair .

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly 's at the front door .
    MINNIE
    Bart's not here. Sorry.
    She closes the door . Kelly wheels his bike down the driveway . He sees Bart sitting out by the pool with a couple of LANGELY BOYS . Bart sees Kelly and ignores him , laughs at something one of the guys says .

INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, BATHROOM - DAY
    Kelly sits on the toilet , putting a bandage on a red scrape down his arm . Eve appears in the doorway .
    EVE
    Oh Kelly. What happened?
    Kelly looks up at her . He 's still got the cut eyebrow , which has split back open , and some dried blood under his nose .
    KELLY
    Nothing.
    EVE
    Jesus. Let me see that.
    Eve comes over and tilts Kelly 's head back to look at the cut . This is the first time she 's touched him . She gets some antiseptic and ointment from under the sink along with Band - Aids and goes to work .
    KELLY
    Ow.
    Kelly lets her dab at his face . He closes his eyes .
    EVE
    I'm going over to see dad.
    Kelly opens his eyes and pulls away .
    KELLY
    Oh.
    Eve puts a butterfly bandage across Kelly 's eyebrow .
    EVE
    And you need to come.
    Kelly pulls his head away .
    KELLY
    I do n't want to.
    EVE
    At this point that's not an option.
    KELLY
    Now's not a good time, ma.
    Eve looks at Kelly sadly .
    EVE
    It's never a good time.
    KELLY
    You ca n't make me.
    Eve shakes her head .
    EVE
    ( voice rising . )
    It's not about you anymore -
    KELLY
    Do n't you get it? It was never about me.
    Eve rises to her feet . He 's just sent her over the edge .
    EVE
    ( yelling . )
    What is wrong with you? When are you going to stop blaming us, blaming him? I'm sick of you being angry. I want to be angry! They just took out half of your father's stomach -
    KELLY
    Enough.
    EVE
    ( screaming and crying . )
    You will not tell me what's enough. You do n't know about anything. All you do is fight fake battles, in the woods, on the playground. But this, right here, us - this is the real one, the only one worth anything.
    She stops and breaks down .
    EVE
    The man I love is dying.
    KELLY
    That's between you and him.
    Eve looks at her son . Her face looks older .
    EVE
    If I made a mistake, if you felt left out, I'm sorry. But I can only deal with one thing at a time.
    Eve leaves . Kelly sits on the toilet , lost .

INT. KELLY'S ROOM - MORNING
    The sun shines in through Kelly 's window . He 's laying in bed awake - has been for a while . He gets up and starts dressing slowly and deliberately . He puts on his best shirt and tie , sensing trouble when the tie 's too short . He pulls the suit out of his closet . The jacket does n't fit . The sleeves do n't even go down to his wrists . And he can hardly button the pants . He rips off the jacket . He pulls everything out of his closet . Nothing there . He sits on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands . He looks at his DRESS UNIFORM , hanging on the back of the closet in its dry - cleaning bag , right where his mom left it . He shakes his head . No , he could n't do that . Then he sighs .

EXT. EPISCOPAL CHURCH - DAY
    It 's decorated for a wedding . Flower garlands trail up the banisters . GUESTS trickle in . Harrison , dressed in a suit with a boutonniere on his lapel , talks to an USHER .
    HARRISON
    Do n't sit any of Mathilda's sisters next to me if you can help it.
    ( to guest . )
    Oh, hello. So nice to see you. Thank you for coming.
    Bart comes outside , also dressed as an usher .
    HARRISON
    ( to Bart . )
    Where's the priest?
    BART
    He should be here any minute. Calm down.
    Bart walks down the steps and looks down the street . Kelly 's walking towards him . IN HIS DRESS UNIFORM . Bart walks down the street to meet him .
    BART
    What the fuck are you doing?
    Kelly looks down . He ca n't meet Bart 's eyes .
    KELLY
    I was invited.
    BART
    I uninvited you.
    KELLY
    It's not your wedding.
    Bart looks at Kelly and shakes his head .
    BART
    Why are you wearing that?
    Kelly does n't answer .
    BART
    ( softening . )
    I ca n't let you come in.
    KELLY
    Why?
    BART
    Because you know why. Just go home.
    Kelly finally looks up at Bart and nods . A Town Car pulls up . Tabby gets out in her wedding dress . Has there even been a more glorious woman ? Will there ever be again ? Her MAID OF HONOR leads her around to the side of the church . Kelly watches every step .
    KELLY
    She looks beautiful. Tell her - give her my congratulations.
    Kelly walks off . Bart watches him go .

INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, KELLY'S ROOM - DAY
    Kelly sits on the edge of the bed , head in hands . He sees the torn rabbit painting . After a minute , he picks it up and looks at it .

INT. EVE'S STUDIO
    Xiou - Xiou sits painting . Kelly enters with the rabbit .
    XIOU-XIOU
    Oh! Son of Eve. You startled me.
    KELLY
    Grandma Ling. Can you fix this?
    She examines it and takes out a wet sponge . She wipes it across the back of the canvas .
    XIOU-XIOU
    Your mom made it for you. I can fix it.
    She works silently for a minute . Kelly watches her . She cuts a small piece of canvas to repair the hole .
    KELLY
    Did you come here to work on your own stuff? Do n't waste your time on this.
    XIOU-XIOU
    I never waste time.
    She turns the painting over and gets out some paints to touch it up .
    XIOU-XIOU
    See. Everything can be mended.
    KELLY
    You're trying to tell me something, are n't you?
    XIOU-XIOU
    Oh no. I could not tell you anything.

INT. HOSPITAL, ABE'S ROOM - DAY
    Eve sleeps in a chair next to Abe , in bed sleeping . He looks pale but otherwise fine . Kelly stands in the doorway , still in his uniform . Abe comes to and sees him standing there .
    ABE
    Hey. Kelly.
    KELLY
    Hey dad. How you feeling?
    ABE
    Not bad.
    KELLY
    They gave me some stitches downstairs.
    ( points to eyebrow . )
    Three.
    ABE
    Did you get punched?
    KELLY
    A couple times, actually.
    ABE
    I know the feeling. Come on in and watch some television. Do n't worry, this one's bolted to the wall. As you can see, my reputation precedes me.
    Kelly comes into the room and sits in a chair .
    ABE
    Any battles this weekend?
    KELLY
    A few.
    ABE
    Busy, busy.
    Abe and Kelly look up at the television in the corner .
    ABE
    Answer me this : how come no one ever reenacts the Vietnam War?
    KELLY
    It'd be pretty depressing, would n't it?
    ABE
    I guess it would.
    Both continue to look up at the television .
    KELLY
    Plus that, you'd have to have protesters and stuff.
    ABE
    Folks dressed up like your mom and me. People reenacting fleeing to Canada, burning draft cards. I guess that would ruin the spirit of the thing, now would n't it?
    KELLY
    I could make it work.
    Abe looks at Kelly .
    ABE
    I bet you could.
    Kelly nods . Eve wakes up .
    EVE
    Kelly, is that you?
    KELLY
    You were expecting some one else?
    HOSPITAL CORRIDOR Kelly and Eve get snacks from the vending machine .
    KELLY
    He looks good.
    Eve looks at Kelly , her face full of love and sadness .
    EVE
    He looks just like you.
    Kelly nods slowly , taking this in . And it is finally too much . He breaks down and cries . For the fear and the misplaced rage , the fights and the stubbornness . But finally , relief . They walk back down the hall together . Eve reaches out and puts her hand on Kelly 's neck .

EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE - DAY
    Kelly rides his bike past the house and stops when he sees the car packed up in front . Bart comes out with a box of stuff .
    BART
    Hey.
    KELLY
    Hey. You going away already?
    BART
    Yeah. The have this intensive summer orientation thing.
    KELLY
    Is that good?
    Bart puts the box in the car .
    BART
    Well, it's optional, but dad thinks it would be `` a good way to meet people.''
    KELLY
    He's probably right.
    BART
    He usually is.
    They stand there .
    KELLY
    Well, go Big Green.
    Kelly gives him a little ra - ra with one hand . Bart smiles . Kelly 's been doing his research .
    BART
    Thanks.
    Kelly lifts his foot up to the pedal of his bike .
    KELLY
    Have fun. And get laid, will ya?
    Bart laughs a little and shakes his head . Kelly is gone . Harrison comes out .
    HARRISON
    Is that everything?
    BART
    Everything you'd let me bring.
    Harrison checks the ties on the roof .
    HARRISON
    Give me a break.

INT. GROCERY STORE - NIGHT
    Kelly stocks shelves . There 's a NEW GIRL working the register . Kelly sees SARAH come in . He follows her to the bakery .
    KELLY
    Hey.
    SARAH
    Hey.
    Sarah picks some bagels .
    KELLY
    How come you do n't work here anymore? The Electro - shopper's getting rusty.
    SARAH
    I've got a summer internship at an ad agency.
    KELLY
    Fancy.
    SARAH
    It's all right, I guess.
    KELLY
    No, it's great.
    Kelly moves around to her other side , closer .
    KELLY
    Hey -
    Sarah moves away . Once bitten twice shy and all that .
    SARAH
    When are you going to get a real job?
    KELLY
    I do n't know. Probably when I figure out something better to do.
    SARAH
    You ca n't be a stock boy your whole life.
    Sarah walks to the front of the store . Kelly walks with her .
    KELLY
    Yeah I can. I mean, I probably wo n't, but I could.
    Sarah turns to him at the checkout aisle .
    SARAH
    Well, it was good seeing you.
    KELLY
    Um.
    SARAH
    What?
    KELLY
    Remember that presentation I told you never to ask me about again?

INT. OLD SOLDIERS' HOME - DAY
    Kelly stands in the front of the room , pointing to a battle plan with large arrows drawn on it . Charlie , Mr. Norman , Principal Holmstead , Eve and Sarah sit among other OLD SOLDIERS .
    KELLY
    Lee arrayed his defenses over here. Only this time, Grant was ready for him.
    Kelly keeps talking . Many of the OLD SOLDIERS sleep .
    OLD SOLDIER 1
    ( to old soldier 2 . )
    This is boring.
    OLD SOLDIER 2
    Yeah. Let's see that slide of the wife again.
    DOMINO TABLE Sarah , Kelly , and Eve play dominos with Charlie and Mr. Norman .
    MR. NORMAN
    ( to Charlie . )
    Remarkable, remarkable. And they never knew?
    CHARLIE
    The real kicker was moving those cutouts of tanks around. The thought we had a whole regiment over there, but it was just a couple of us and those Hollywood props.
    EVE
    That's amazing. Art playing a part in war.
    CHARLIE
    You're damned right. We practically won the thing right there.
    ( eyeing Sarah and Eve with approval . )
    Now this is more like it. Anyone care to place a wager on the table?
    Kelly tries to gesture to Sarah `` no . ''
    SARAH
    If you think it would be more fun.
    MR. NORMAN
    I ca n't imagine having more fun that I am now.
    Mr. Norman smiles at the group .
    CHARLIE
    You're never been to a French whorehouse, I take it.
    EVE
    I have.
    MR. NORMAN
    Oh, my.

EXT. OLD SOLDIERS' HOME - DAY
    Eve waits while Kelly and Sarah walk out to Sarah 's car . Kelly helps Sarah into it and closes the door for her .
    KELLY
    I still do n't understand how you did that.
    SARAH
    I spent my summers with my grandma in the Catskills. She did n't give me any spending money.
    ( shrugs . )
    So I played the bones for ice cream.
    She pulls away . He watches her go .
    KELLY
    Hot damn.
    THE END

Summary: Kelly Ernswiler, a young war reenactment enthusiast, works at his local store with love interest Sarah and Bart Bowland. Kelly's father, Abe, works with drug addicts, being clean himself for over 5 years. His mother, Eve, is a commercial artist. Kelly attempts to woo Bart's older sister, Tabby, even though she's set to get married to Miner Weber, a handsome businessman. Kelly becomes a regular at Bart's house, being over for dinner often, and he impresses Bart's father, Harrison, with their common fondness for war memorabilia, and Bart's mother by complimenting her on her flowers, and he often talks to Tabby in her workshop. During this time, Sarah asks him to go to an Aerosmith concert, which she has a spare ticket for, telling him it would be good for him to get out more. When he bluntly makes it clear that he knows it would be a date, he tells her he is seeing someone else, obviously meaning Tabby. Before Kelly and Bart perform their plan for Lance's humiliation, Bart makes it clear to Kelly that he knows he has "his own agenda", at which Kelly is insulted and angry, and Bart displaces it as "pre-mission nervous energy". They recreate an invasion on the street where Lance lives and drag him out of the house pointing guns at him and shouting at him with German accents. They videotape the whole thing and he urinates out of fear. Afterwards, the boys are drinking whiskey at Bart's house and Bart passes out in a chair by the fire. Kelly makes to go home and goes to the workshop to say goodbye to Tabby. He walks in on her crying, as she now thinks the marriage will be off and goes to comfort her, and they kiss. As Kelly is leaving, Bart sees him and is furious as he knew he was in the workshop. The next day, as Kelly is on a set for a war program that Bart got them in, Bart hasn't turned up. Kelly is cast in a role to be a jeep driver and when his cue is called, Bart turns up out of the bushes and confronts him about Tabby. Kelly denies it at first and then becomes speechless. As he is about to drive for his cue, Bart attacks him in the jeep and they make a mess of the set. The next day, Abe is taken into care again for relapsing and Kelly is emotionless. He goes to the wedding the same day, only to have an annoyed Bart tell him that he can't let him in. He sneaks into Tabby's limo before it pulls in and he talks to her, and it is a moment in which he finally realizes he must grow up. He gets out of the car and everyone at the wedding sees him and are all confused. He goes round the back of the church to get his bike and leave and meets Minor again, who has no idea of what happened with Kelly and Tabby, and is civil towards him. Kelly cycles to the clinic where his father is staying and is surprised. They begin to watch television and his mother walks in and is surprised and happy to see Kelly. In the end, it shows the voicemail message where Kelly apologizes to the Bowlands for his behavior and asks Bart if he will meet him where he will be selling all his old memorabilia, and gives a hat Bart acquired for him back. He is shown walking down the street with Sarah and they hold hands. Kelly sees Lance again on his lawn where they faked the invasion, and goes over to him and confesses, only to be punched in the jaw. The film ends with Kelly lying on the lawn, holding his bruised jaw saying, "I deserved it".