Bad Words_2013

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - MORNING
    KIDS and FAMILY mill about in front of an elevated stage bedecked with rows of folding chairs. A giant banner reads: "SOUTHLAND DISTRICT'S 15TH ANNUAL REGIONAL SPELLING BEE... NEXT STOP, WASHINGTON D.C.!!!" At the snack table, GUY DUNCAN, disheveled 30s, shoves donuts into the worn pockets of his shitty blazer.
    CRISPLY DRESSED DAD (O.S.)
    You must be so proud. I know I am.
    Guy looks up to see a CRISPLY DRESSED DAD.
    CRISPLY DRESSED DAD
    Aren't kids amazing? Which one's yours?
    Guy tears into a donut. An avalanche of powdered sugar falls down his blazer.
    GUY
    (full mouth)
    Are you fucking kidding me?
    Guy shambles away, leaving the Dad confused.

INT. GYMNASIUM, STAGE
    A PAUNCHY WOMAN in a SALMON COLORED PANTSUIT steps behind the microphone and dartles a smile out into the gymnasium.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    OOOOKAY everyone! The Spelling Bee is about to begin so will all of our noble competitors please take their seats up on stage.
    Parents take their seats down below as the students make their way up on stage. Guy sits between two students up on the stage in the back row. He looks at the OVERWEIGHT BOY, 12, sitting on his left.
    GUY
    Christ. Would it kill you to lose some weight? I barely have any room here.
    The overweight boy self-consciously looks away. In front, Salmon Pantsuit notices Guy sitting up on stage.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    I'm sorry, Sir?
    Guy morosely looks up.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    (precious tone)
    These seats are for the competitors, only, so if you can just-
    GUY
    I am a competitor.
    Salmon Pantsuit chuckles just for a moment. But Guy doesn't. CUT TO:

EXT. GYMNASIUM - MOMENTS LATER
    Guy stands outside with Salmon Pantsuit and the TWO OTHER JUDGES- a SMALL, BALD MAN, 70s, with huge eye GLASSES and a WOMAN, 50s, proudly wearing a BEDAZZLED DENIM VEST. Guys sucks on his teeth as all three scrutinize a shitty tattered PIECE OF PAPER. The Bald Judge puts his huge glasses on, making his eyes as big as planets, which startles Guy.
    BALD GLASSES
    (old man forcefulness)
    Mr. Duncan, I'm not going to allow it. You are not eligible. In any fashion, way, shape, or manner!
    The Bald Judge pulls his huge glasses off.
    GUY
    NO, your Honor, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!
    GUY
    Page thirty nine of the Scribbs National Spelling Bee rule book. Rule Twenty Four Sub point B. Quote: "The speller must not have passed beyond the eighth grade on or before February 1, 2011." That, Sir, is a rule made by YOUR INSTITUTE, NOT MINE!
    (re: shitty tattered paper)
    You're looking at my transcript! Try not to wrinkle it any more than it is, okay? As you can see, I haven't passed beyond the eighth grade. Not on or before February 1, 2011! Not ever!
    BALD GLASSES
    That may be but-
    GUY
    -Page sixty nine of the Scribbs Institute National Spelling Bee rule book. Rule Fifty One Sub Point A: "The speller must not have earned a high school diploma or the legal equivalent of a high school diploma." Guess what, chicken butts? I haven't! A total of 83 paragraphs, five hundred and eighty one lines of rules in your rule book and I am complying with every stupid one of them!
    BEDAZZLED JUDGE
    The Spelling Bee is meant for kids. Not adults who couldn't even graduate the 8th Grade.
    GUY
    "Couldn't?" "Couldn't?" So now you're saying you won't let me participate because you think I'm stupid? Did you just call me fucking retarded?
    BEDAZZLED JUDGE
    (flustered)
    That's not what I meant at all.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    There's no need for such salty language, Mr. Duncan!
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    You don't have a sponsor present. Every speller must be sponsored by a nationally published newspaper.
    JENNY WIDGEON, 30s, approaches.
    JENNY
    Guy! There you are!
    (to Judges)
    Jenny Widgeon. Daily Probe- Guy's sponsor. Sorry I'm late.
    BALD GLASSES
    The Daily Pro- HA! That's not a newspaper.
    JENNY
    Well let's not argue over semantics, shall we?
    GUY
    They don't want to let me participate.
    JENNY
    (feigning shock, gasps)
    They don't want to let you participate?
    GUY
    And they called me a retarded.
    Jenny pulls out her cellphone. Dials. Waits.
    JENNY
    (into cellphone)
    You were right. Ok. Thanks.
    Jenny slams her cell off.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    What was that? Who did you just talk to?
    JENNY
    Lead council of The Daily Probe's legal team.
    GUY
    They're more like Piranhas with scorpion tails for dicks than actual lawyers.
    JENNY
    As you can guess, the Daily Probe is involved in its fare share of legal suits and boy do these guys know how to gum up the works! So, in about a half hour you will receive a Temporary Restraining Order and Preliminary Injunction prohibiting the continuation of this competition until we clear this whole legal matter up.
    Jenny cringes, whispers.
    JENNY
    Sorry.
    BEDAZZLED JUDGE
    Legal matter? This isn't a legal matter!
    GUY
    It is now. We're suing the three of you personally as well as The Scribbs Institute for discrimination and fraud for the amount of ten million dollars.
    All the color drains out of the Judges' faces.
    BALD GLASSES
    How dare you try to hijack this spelling bee! You can't do that!
    JENNY
    Hmm. Maybe. Maybe not. Again. Semantics. But getting down to the bottom of that will take weeks. Months.
    GUY
    Until then, no spelling bee. Hey, can I at least stay to watch you tell that entire gymnasium full of kids and parents that they won't get their shot at the Nationals.
    Salmon Pantsuit nervously looks at the other judges. She has no choice, it seems.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    (resigned)
    The rules are the rules, I guess.
    Salmon Pantsuit eyeballs Jenny's phone.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    So can you just...
    JENNY
    Oh, right. Yes. Certainly.
    Jenny speed dials her cellphone.
    JENNY
    Yep. Yep. Yeeep. Okay.
    Jenny hangs up the phone.
    JENNY
    Well, okay. Looks like we have a spelling bee to get to!
    Salmon Pantsuit looks like she swallowed a wasp.

INT. GYMNASIUM, JUDGE'S TABLE
    A crowd of concerned parents has bloomed around the table.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    There's nothing we can do about the loophole he found. He's clearly an alcoholic or a drug tweaker. I think the least unpleasant option is to just humor his derangement a bit, let him participate, and when he loses, his pathetic reality of a life will sink in. The best child will win. I assure you. Social justice will prevail. Don't you all believe in your kids? I do!
    The parents nod.
    SALMON PANTSUIT
    Then let's be the bigger people in this situation, mkay?
    CUT TO:

INT. GYMNASIUM, STAGE - MOMENTS LATER
    Brace-Faced girl stands behind the microphone. Bald Glasses is the proctor.
    BALD GLASSES
    Oleaginous.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous?
    BALD GLASSES
    Oleaginous.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. Can I have the definition, please?
    Bald Glasses shoots Guy a look.
    BALD GLASSES
    "Having the nature or qualities of oil." Or "Unctuous; fawning; smarmy." Oleaginous.
    Guy subtly scratches his nose with his middle finger.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. Can I have the language of origin?
    BALD GLASSES
    Latin.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. Does it contain the Latin root "olea" meaning "olive?"
    BALD GLASSES
    That is correct.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous...
    Brace-Faced Girl starts ghost-spelling the word in her hand.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. Can you use it in a sentence?
    GUY
    Oh my God!
    All the kids sitting around Guy squirm with discomfort.
    BALD GLASSES
    "The oleaginous man knew he shouldn't attend the party, but came anyway.
    GUY
    (cough)
    Koughissmyass.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous.
    Brace-Faced Girl ghost-spells it in her hand again.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous.
    BALD GLASSES
    Oleaginous.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. Can you tell me the part of speech?
    PROCTOR
    Adjective.
    Guy turns to the Overweight Boy.
    GUY
    No shit it's an adjective.
    She ghost-spells it one more time.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. Any other pronunciations?
    PROCTOR
    No.
    BRACES
    Oleaginous. O-L-E-A-G-I-N-O-U-S. Oleaginous.
    PROCTOR
    That is correct.
    Everyone in the room applauds except Guy. Relieved, Brace Faced Girl sits back down. Next, a BOY, 11, with a HUGE MOLE on his cheek walks to the microphone. Guy leans over to the Overweight Boy.
    GUY
    (re: Mole)
    Hey, if he ever ends up in prison I know what his cell-wife will be aiming for every single time! Am I right? Am I right?
    The Overweight Boy nervously shifts in his seat.
    PROCTOR
    Recidivism.
    MOLE
    Recidivism.
    PROCTOR
    Recidivism.
    MOLE
    Recidivism.
    PROCTOR
    Recidivism.
    MOLE
    Recidivism. Can I have the definition?
    PROCTOR
    "A tendency to lapse into a previous condition or pattern of behavior; especially, a falling back or relapse into prior criminal habits." Recidivism.
    MOLE
    Recidivism. Can I have the part of speech?
    PROCTOR
    Noun.
    Mole ghost spells it in his hand.
    MOLE
    Recidivism. Can you please use it in a sentence?
    Guy turns to the Brace-Faced Girl.
    GUY
    Holy balls, who doesn't know this fucking word, huh? Jesus. You. Are. All. So. Lame.
    MOLE
    R-E-C-E-D-I-V-I-S-M. Recidivism.
    Bedazzled Vest sadly hits a crude buzzer. The parents in the audience "AWWWs" but applauds with appreciation for the attempt. Guy's laughter erupts over it all. Mole lowers his head Charlie Brown style and walks off the stage. The applause dies down and everyone sits uncomfortably as Guy's laughter continues to ring through the gymnasium. Back in the seats, Jenny shakes her head from Guy's obnoxiousness. Finally, Guy finishes, dabs his eyes.
    GUY
    Oh, so pathetic. Hoo...
    Guy notices everyone's waiting for him.
    GUY
    Oh, I'm up.
    Guy moves to the mic. The crowd murmurs. Bald Glasses sighs.
    BALD GLASSES
    Absquatulate-
    GUY
    (impatient. Quick.)
    A-B-S-Q-U-A-T-U-L-A-T-E.
    Guy turns and heads back to his seat.
    BALD GLASSES
    (Horrified. Surprised.)
    That's- That's correct.
    Nobody applauds. Just silent shock. Back at his seat, an evil smile creeps across Guy's face as he addresses the kids sitting around him.
    GUY
    I hope all of your pillow cases are waterproof, because tonight they're gonna be soaked with lots of nerdy little snot tears! Boo hoo hoo...
    TITLE: BAD WORDS

EXT. GYMNASIUM, PARKING LOT - LATER
    GUY RUNS OUT WITH THE GIANT FIRST-PLACE TROPHY TUCKED UNDER HIS ARM. An ANGRY MOB of parents burst out after him, throwing coffee cups and donuts. Jenny screeches her car to a stop in Guy's path.
    JENNY
    (half reluctant)
    GET IN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
    Guy quickly piles in and slams down the lock.
    A HOME BAKED MOM hawks an angry LOOGI on the window right level with Guy's face.
    As the loogi drips down the window, the Crisply Dressed Dad rushes the car and screams:
    CRISPLY DRESSED DAD
    YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!!
    The car peels out of the parking lot just as Crisply Dressed Dad launches a fold-up chair, smashing a tail light. CUT TO:

INT. CAR, MOVING - LATER
    Guy slouches in the seat next to his trophy. Jenny drives like a bat out of hell's ass.
    JENNY
    Did you see that back there?! Total Parentocalypse! You owe me a tail light!
    GUY
    Just watch your driving, will you?
    JENNY
    "Grown man goes to National Spelling Bee!" by Jenny Widgeon. Oh, God. This is the only time I wished the nation's illiteracy rate was even higher.
    GUY
    I'm glad I could help.
    JENNY
    Nonono. Thank you! Thank you for walking into the Probe and convincing my editors to help you pull off this craptastic stunt!
    GUY
    (mocking)
    Wah! I have integrity but the world won't let me show it. Wah!
    JENNY
    Hey! I am a real reporter, you get that? I've covered presidential elections! I've uncovered international corporate scandals! And if it wasn't for the collapse of the newspaper business I'd still be doing that.
    GUY
    Here's a headline for you: I DON'T GIVE A DANCING SHIT.
    JENNY
    Packing for Washington D.C. is going to be simple for you, isn't it? Because you just stuff all of your clothes in the hole where your heart would be if you had one. You're your own carry on!
    CUT TO:

EXT. CAR, MOVING - SAME TIME
    Jenny's car speeds away as we pan up to a PASSENGER PLANE FLYING OVERHEAD. CUT TO:

INT. PLANE, FLYING - MUCH LATER
    Guy sits with his eyes shut tight. Jenny sits next to him. She lowers Guy's tray and places a tape recorder on it in front of him. Guy opens his eyes.
    GUY
    ...the fuck's this?
    JENNY
    Time for a obligatory interview.
    GUY
    Not now. I'm getting my beauty rest.
    JENNY
    Yeah, and it's really working for you. It is. I mean it. Alright. Where to begin? Hmm. I wonder. Oh yeah! Why are you doing this? Why have you decided, at this late stage in your life, to compete against children in the National Spelling Bee?
    GUY
    Sleepy time.
    Guy points to his closed eyes.
    JENNY
    You gonna make this hard or easy?
    Guy flips her the bird.
    JENNY
    I've had bigger challenges than you. Trust me.
    Guy remains still, his eyes shut. Jenny impatiently snaps her recorder up.
    JENNY
    Fine. I'm going to the bathroom. We'll settle this later.
    Jenny gets out of her seat and storms up the aisle. Guy keeps his eyes closed. Suddenly, an INDIAN BOY, 12, CHAITANYA CHOPRA- as awkward as the day is long- pops up from the seat behind Jenny's.
    CHAITANYA
    Hi. I'm Chaitanya Chopra.
    GUY
    (annoyed)
    What?
    CHAITANYA
    My name.
    GUY
    Congratufuckinlations.
    CHAITANYA
    What's your name?
    Guy says nothing.
    CHAITANYA
    What's your name?
    GUY
    Guy.
    Chaitanya stares at Guy squeezing his eyes shut.
    CHAITANYA
    "Guy" what?
    GUY
    Does it matter?
    CHAITANYA
    I'm going to the National Spelling Bee. My parents are up in first class. My Dad says that economy class builds character.
    GUY
    (who cares)
    Amazing.
    Chaitanya leans over Guy a bit more, looks out of his window.
    CHAITANYA
    You have a great view. I've gone to the National Spelling Bee twice before. I overheard you say you're going to the National Spelling Bee, too. You're the grown-up who's competing, huh?
    Guy keeps his eyes shut. Says nothing.
    CHAITANYA
    I heard about you. What was your winning word?
    Nothing from Guy.
    CHAITANYA
    Your word? Your winning word?
    GUY
    (annoyed)
    What?
    CHAITANYA
    What was the word you spelled to win your regional? To get here? Mine was "Intelligentsia."
    GUY
    I don't fucking remember.
    CHAITANYA
    Come on, try to remember.
    GUY
    Shit, I don't know.
    CHAITANYA
    Think. You should remember. How can you forget? It's such a special word.
    GUY
    (tired)
    "Autofellatio."
    CHAITANYA
    I've never heard of that word. What's it's origin?
    GUY
    Loneliness.
    CHAITANYA
    No that can't be right...I know "Auto" is of Greek origin meaning "self," right? Fellatio...fellatio fellatio... is that derived from the Latin "fellare" meaning to suck?
    GUY
    (incredibly annoyed)
    Listen, don't get your tits in a tangle. It's just a fucking word. Jesus!
    Guy closes his eyes again.
    CHAITANYA
    Hey, can I trade seats with you? I enjoy sitting next to the window on airplanes.
    GUY
    No.
    CHAITANYA
    Why not?
    GUY
    (flustered)
    Because my seat is over an especially important part of the plane. I move and the plane won't be balanced and we'll all plummet and crash in a fiery nightmarish death.
    CHAITANYA
    (unbelieving)
    What? Are you sure?
    Across the aisle, A LITTLE BOY, 7, overhears this. He looks straight ahead and sits rigid, completely freaked out.
    GUY
    Shit. See what you did? Now I got to take an eight-ball piss.
    Guy gets up.
    NOOO!
    I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!
    Guy walks up the aisle to the lavatory as FLIGHT ATTENDANTS rush past him to the screaming boy. CUT TO: ESPN INTRO Sweeping music rises as A Camera pans across an empty mid-western school auditorium. A COLLAGE of children's voices start spelling random letters, but all at once.
    NARRATOR
    Can you hear the buzz of the bee?
    Various shots of spellers in moments of victory and defeat.
    NARRATOR
    The buzz that started long ago. We all have our memories of when we first heard it.
    Various shots of chairs with numbers. Of dictionary pages flipping.
    NARRATOR
    An old school-time competition is about to capture your imagination.
    The music starts to swell.
    NARRATOR
    We all have our hometown heroes. But the genius of these competitors is spellbinding.
    Images of victorious kids pop up one after another.
    NARRATOR
    And like bees to honey, our lust for competition leads us hungrily to the epicenter of this quest for greatness.
    Images of one teen after another taking the giant check from SCRIBBS COO BILL BOWMAN, 60s- executively handsome for his age.
    NARRATOR
    The prize is just a word away, and those who compete want to take that check from the Legendary Scribbs COO Bill Bowman. They've dreamed of it all their lives.
    Images of teens holding up the spelling bee trophy...
    NARRATOR
    And that's why it's the drama of "The Bee." So, can you hear the buzz? Well, can you?
    The images suddenly turn to MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL type graphics as the faint sound of bee buzzing morphs into the robotic WHUP WHUP WHUP of military helicopters as... TWO ROBOT WARRIOR BEES FLY IN FROM OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE SCREEN AND COLLIDE WITH A VIOLENT MECHANICAL EXPLOSION TO BLARING ELECTRIC GUITARS! Suddenly TWO YUCKITY YUCK ANNOUNCERS appear in the ballroom auditorium in front of the stage.
    CHUCK
    Welcome everyone to the 85th annual Scribbs Institute National Spelling Bee, I'm Chuck Wilde coming at you live from the Historic State Plaza Hotel here in the heart of our country's only capital, Washington D.C.!!!
    PETE
    And I'm Peter Yates. Chuck, over the years the popularity of the National Spelling Bee has grown to sick proportions and this year viewership promises to rival that of any championship sporting event.
    CHUCK
    You don't have to spell that out for me, Pete. What can we say? The world loves a good showdown and what. A. Showdown. It will be! Let's get to know some of this year's most noteworthy alphabet gladiators!
    From here on out, all broadcast graphics of names will be produced by these violent mechanical bees blowing things up and shooting lasers with their stingers. Thunderous music plays over montages of pre-filmed, in-studio shots of competitors standing awkwardly for the camera. The insane graphics and production go totally against the grain of how nerdy they all actually are... JOYCE SACKS, 14 years-old with pigtails, acne and a crooked grin.
    PETE (V.O.)
    Joyce Sacks. A fourteen year old spelling assassin hailing from Plymouth Minnesota. Came in 8th last year but this year retreat is not an option. Word has it that she's been working with three different coaches- one for English, one for Greek and one for Latin- and she's ready to declare "All your bases are belong to us!"
    Next, BAXTER FLOURNEY, 9, BRACES and a BOWL HAIRCUT complimented by uncomfortable glances at the camera.
    CHUCK (V.O.)
    That kid with braces stealing your soul with his death stare? Oh nothing, just nine year-old mind killer Baxter Flourney from Worcester, Massachusetts. His Dad crushed the National Spelling Bee in 1980 at the age of 9. Last year, his older brother Benjamin beheaded first place at the age of 9. And what does this mean? The Bee runs thick in his blood and he's about spill some of his competition's!
    Next, Chaitanya, the boy from the airplane...
    PETE (V.O.)
    Some say that twelve year-old Chaitanya Chopra from Olathe, Kansas has ice for blood. Others say that if you opened up his skull you'd find Stephen Hawking AND Albert Einstein in a mixed martial arts fight. Whatever the truth is, Chaitanya has placed third for the last two years and he isn't going to take it anymore! He's focused. He wants it. And word on the street is he's gonna spine-rip anyone who gets in his way!
    The graphics explode to reveal ERIC TAI, 14- weird is an understatement.
    CHUCK (V.O.)
    Don't let his virgin exterior fool you! Eric Tai from San Diego California is an absolute spelling bee Mongoose! Two years ago, he placed second. Last year, he lost by a syllable to Benjamin Flourney. One syllable! Now, Eric wants to proverbially pop out of the Mekong Delta with a knife in his mouth and disembowel the final round.
    Next we see a montage of rough video footage of Guy constantly walking away from the camera and flipping the bird.
    PETE (V.O.)
    And finally, in what has been the strangest turn of events in Bee history, we have contestant Guy Duncan from St. Louis, Missouri. Oh, did we forget to mention? Guy's thirty four years-old! This man has made huge waves in the competitive spelling world by exposing and capitalizing on a loophole in the competition's rules, and OH MAMA! Have things been topsy-turvy! But he's here and the only way we're gonna get rid of him is if he loses!
    Finally, we see quick footage cuts of Scribbs COO Bill Bowman all around the world: Spoon feeding a hungry African child, skydiving, Ostrich racing, climbing to the top of a human tower in Sardinia.
    CHUCK (V.O.)
    And all of this spelling bee action is constantly promoted, lauded, and endorsed by one of America's most charismatic COOs, Scribbs Institute's own Bill Bowman.
    We cut to a LIVE SATELLITE FEED of Bowman, donning an X-Games helmet, being harnessed to a zipline that stretches beyond the fiery lip of a volcano!
    CHUCK (V.O.)
    We have Mr. Bowman joining us on a live feed right now to share a few words.
    BOWMAN
    Thanks Chuck, Pete. I'm sorry I'm not in town yet. I'm at the mouth of the Kilauea Volcano on the island of Kauai, as I zipline across all the major volcanos of the world in my ongoing attempt to raise awareness about the literacy epidemic in America. You know, it's a lot more dangerous than it looks- and I'm talking about our literacy rate, not the ziplining. But never fear, I'll make it to Washington in time to hand out first prize to our next National Spelling Bee champion. Who will be the next champion? I don't know.
    BOWMAN
    But I'll tell you this, you can't be a Bee champion, unless you've shown honor, sportsmanship and integrity. It's just impossible. As always, I can't wait to meet all of our noble competitors. Well, most of them. I'll be arriving with high hopes, as well as that much loved giant check!
    Bowman turns away from the camera, gives the people around him a thumbs-up, and ZIPLINES OVER THE VOLCANO!

INT. HOTEL HALL - DAY
    Guy and Jenny follow a crisply walking REGISTRATION REP down the hall. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL OFFICE - DAY
    Guy and Jenny enter the office to find NATIONAL SPELLING BEE DIRECTOR BERNICE DEAGAN, 40s, tall, peter pan hair, sitting behind the hotel manager's desk. Director Deagan motions toward the two seats before the desk.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Have a seat. I'm Bernice Deagan, Director of the National Spelling Bee.
    (beat)
    Struthious.
    GUY
    Excuse me?
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    S-T-R-U-T-H-I-O-U-S. Struthious. That was my winning word. 1973. National Champion. Just thought you should know that. If you didn't already.
    GUY
    Oh.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Guy. I don't like you.
    JENNY
    Listen-
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Now you just shoosh!
    (beat)
    You know, when I was a little girl, I was always picked last in P.E. I hated sports. That's probably what, thankfully, thrust me into the welcoming bosom of the spelling bee. Now, I'm proud to say, we are projected to have more viewers than the Superbowl. That feels kinda nice to say out loud. So how did I accomplish this? Elbow grease? Yes. Hard work? Maybe. Integrity? You betcha. But what I didn't do is use slimy gimmicks just as yourself!
    Director Deagan pulls out a competitor number from her desk.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    So I wanted to personally give you your number...
    She moves around the table and hangs it around Guy's neck.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    You think you're smart because you found a loophole- and you're taking advantage of it. B-R-A-V-O. But I know you're not smarter than even the poorest speller in this competition. So may this number serve as the noose you hang yourself by.
    GUY
    Wow. Thanks.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Don't mention it. Oh, and one other thing. I personally arranged your hotel accommodations for you. Just wanted you to know that.
    GUY
    You shouldn't have.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    But I did.
    GUY
    So that all you got? Some sort of weird veiled threat? You could have done that in an e- mail. Jesus.
    Guy gets up. Jenny follows.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    I just thought it would mean more in person.
    GUY
    Not in this day and age!
    Guy exits.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    (calling after him)
    I'm watching you.
    GUY (O.S.)
    (calling back)
    GOOD!
    The door slams behind Guy and Jenny.
    CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
    The place is packed with Bee parents and kids. Guy bulldozes his way through. Jenny keeps up.
    JENNY
    Hey! Where are you going? The contestant ice cream social is that way!
    Guy walks off, raising his middle finger as he goes.
    JENNY
    (to herself)
    Wow. What a complete asshole.

INT. ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
    As the doors start to close, Guy sees Chaitanya running toward the elevator.
    CHAITANYA
    Hold the door!
    Guy doesn't budge, forcing Chaitanya to wrestle between the doors himself.
    CHAITANYA
    Whew! I made it. Hey, I know you!
    Guy doesn't answer.
    CHAITANYA
    You're Guy, from the airplane.
    Guy stays silent.
    GUY
    No I'm not.
    CHAITANYA
    I'm Chaitanya, remember? Cool. I like words. What's your favorite word?
    Guy tries to ignore him.
    CHAITANYA
    Come on. What's your favorite word in the whole wide world?
    GUY
    I don't-
    CHAITANYA
    -Favorite word?
    GUY
    I don't have a favorite word.
    CHAITANYA
    Mine is "assassin." It just sounds so cool, you know? Assassin. Assassin. Assassin. Assassin. ASSasSIN. AssASSin.
    Guy presses the button some more.
    CHAITANYA
    What's yours?
    GUY
    (shut up)
    I. Don't. Have. One.
    CHAITANYA
    Of course you do. Everyone does. I bet you even Helen Keller had a favorite word. She was blind and deaf. Everyone's got a favorite word.
    GUY
    Well, I guess I'm a fucking oddball, then.
    CHAITANYA
    I bet Abraham Lincoln had a favorite word. Mark Twain. Neil Armstrong. Charles Schultz. Bill Clinton. Charlie Chaplin...and he did silent films.
    NO SHIT!
    BUT I DON'T!
    CHAITANYA
    Well, if you were to have one what would it be?
    GUY
    (gritted teeth)
    I don't.
    CHAITANYA
    Say you're on a desert island and this Gorilla comes out of the jungle and holds a gun to your head and says, "HOO HOO! Tell me what your favorite word is!" What would you say?
    Guy gets flustered.
    GUY
    Listen, Chet...Chick...whatever the fuck your name is.
    CHAITANYA
    Chaitanya.
    GUY
    STOP TRYING TO GET ALL UP IN MY
    FUCKING HEAD, SLUM DOG!
    CHAITANYA
    Okay. The elevator door opens and Guy angrily pours out.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Before Guy can open the door all the way, it hits the mattress, which is ON THE FLOOR.
    GUY
    What the...
    Guy fights his way in to see that the gray, tiny room is nothing but a mattress flanked by gray industrial shelves. On the other wall stands a deep, mildewed washbasin... AND NO BATHROOM. CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    Guy takes a close look at the door. He notices the faded indentation of the words "Cleaning Staff Only" underneath his polished brass room number. Guy clenches his teeth. CUT TO:

INT. FRONT DESK - MOMENTS LATER
    Guys stands before a BARBIE DOLL FRONT DESK CLERK, 20s.
    FRONT DESK REPRESENTATIVE
    Unfortunately, the hotel is completely sold out.
    GUY
    I don't have a bathroom!
    FRONT DESK
    (patronizing)
    Yeah. Ouch.
    GUY
    I DON'T HAVE A BATHROOM.
    The front desk clerk crinkles her nose. Guy storms away.

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, BAR - LATER
    A small, stylish bar. Guy stands out like a black-nailed thumb amongst this polished, smiling crowd. He spots Jenny sitting at the bar. The only open seat is right next to her.
    JENNY
    Bartender. Old Fashioned.
    If Guy wants booze, he has no choice. He sighs and sits down next to her.
    JENNY
    (to Bartender)
    Make that two.
    (to Guy)
    No mini-bar, huh?
    GUY
    No nothing.
    JENNY
    I think the Queen Bee is sending you a message.
    GUY
    Damn Skippy.
    JENNY
    Man. There are so many parents around here. This place is bursting in the seems with them.
    GUY
    No shit.
    JENNY
    Where are your parents?
    GUY
    Oh Jesus Christ. I just want to have a drink in peace. Is that too much to ask?
    JENNY
    Listen, I'm trying to make the best out of my situation, okay? I'm supposed to cover you, so I'm going to do it the best way I know how. By asking questions. By starting with the basics. By getting to know you.
    GUY
    Well do me a favor and don't get to know me. Just report what you see, and leave it at that. Stop trying so hard.
    JENNY
    You're like an insolent child hiding secrets from his mother.
    GUY
    Heh, you don't amount to half the broad my mother was!
    Guy realizes he just revealed a personal fact. He grimaces and curses at himself under his breath. Slugs his drink.
    JENNY
    I'm sorry. When did she die?
    GUY
    Fuck off.
    Jenny flags the bartender.
    JENNY
    I'm gonna need another.
    GUY
    I'm gonna need two!
    CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, BAR - LATER
    Now several empty glasses sit before Guy and Jenny...
    JENNY
    Look, it's my job! I'm just doing my job.
    GUY
    Is that how you justify being what you are?
    JENNY
    What I am? Look at you!
    CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, BAR - LATER
    Now twice as many empty glasses litter the bar in front of them. They both stubbornly sit, tipsy and angry.
    GUY
    Look, screw you.
    JENNY
    Whatever.
    GUY
    SCREW YOU!
    JENNY
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    With his pants around his ankles, Guy desperately humps Jenny on his mattress.
    JENNY
    Yes. YES! Don't look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT ME.
    Guys cranes his head away to the side as far as he can- his face practically presses against the nasty mop sink.
    GUY
    Jesus Christ okay I'm not looking at you!
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Guy lies on the mattress on the floor as Jenny hurriedly puts her skirt back on.
    JENNY
    Wow. That was a mistake.
    GUY
    It was great for me, too.
    JENNY
    I'll...I'll see you tomorrow.
    Jenny leaves. Guy spots Jenny's forgotten underwear on the floor. He picks them up. Shoves them in his pocket. There's a KNOCK on the door. Guy gets up. Opens the door.
    GUY
    Yeah, if you're so together then why'd you forget your under-
    Chaitanya standing there, holding a JAR OF NUTS.
    CHAITANYA
    Sorry to bother you, but I heard you were still awake. Would you mind helping me open this jar of mixed nuts?
    Chaitanya peers past Guy.
    CHAITANYA
    Wow. Small room.
    Guy slams the door in the boy's face. Chaitanya knocks some more.
    CHAITANYA (O.C.)
    Can you help me? I haven't had anything to eat all night. I was studying my words so hard I missed room service hours and this jar is too hard for me to open.
    Guy opens the door.
    GUY
    Oh yeah well we all need something, don't we? Life is filled with disappointment!
    Guy grabs the jar and SMASHES IT against the opposite wall. He slams the door shut. Guy listens to see if Chaitanya has left.
    CHAITANYA (O.C.)
    I...I was wondering if you wanted to be my friend.
    Guy opens the door.
    GUY
    Listen Slum Dog, I dunno what makes you think that I want to be your friend but you better baba ghanoush that idea right out of your head!
    Guy slams the door.
    CHAITANYA (O.C.)
    Okay. It's cool. I just thought it would be fun to study together before tomorrow. Drink soda pop from the mini-bar and stuff.
    Guy opens the door.
    GUY
    Your room has a mini-bar?
    CHAITANYA
    Yeah.
    GUY
    What about your Mom...Dad?
    CHAITANYA
    My Dad believes that I should learn how to be my own man, and that means staying in my own hotel room myself this weekend.
    GUY
    What...is he in the room next door?
    CHAITANYA
    He's staying at a fancier hotel a few blocks away.
    GUY
    (hell yeah)
    Bummer.
    CHAITANYA
    It's kind of neat. I get to jump on the bed as much as I want. But tonight I messed up and missed room service.
    CUT TO:

INT. CHAITANYA'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya happily picks through the mixed nuts AND BROKEN JAR GLASS- now gathered in a wad of toilette paper- on the hotel room desk. Guy leans into the mini-bar and pulls out every bottle of booze there is.
    GUY
    (more focused on his drink)
    Careful of the fucking glass.
    CHAITANYA
    Okay. I will.
    Chaitanya happily eats a nut.
    CHAITANYA
    I think I know what your favorite word is.
    GUY
    Really.
    CHAITANYA
    The "F" word.
    Guy ponders this. Shrugs.
    GUY
    Maybe.
    CHAITANYA
    You say it a lot.
    GUY
    Everyone should.
    CHAITANYA
    My father says bad words. But I'm not allowed to. What about your dad?
    GUY
    I never knew my dad. But my mom said bad words a lot. You can say bad words. I don't give a shit.
    CHAITANYA
    I shouldn't.
    GUY
    Do it. Who has the right to decide what is a bad word and what is a good word? Shouldn't it be that whatever word best expresses how you feel is a good word? Do it.
    The very thought makes Chaitanya grin.
    CHAITANYA
    No.
    GUY
    Stop acting like a little fucking Quaker and do it.
    CHAITANYA
    Okay.
    (relishing every syllable)
    Mutherfucker.
    Chaitanya laughs.
    GUY
    Did your soul burst into flames?
    CHAITANYA
    Okay. All done.
    GUY
    You're a real fucking weirdo, you know that?
    Chaitanya shrugs. Guy pours a mini rum into his glass.
    CHAITANYA
    Do you like rum?
    GUY
    I do.
    CHAITANYA
    You can be like a pirate with your rum! And if you had a cigarette you could be a total butt pirate!
    GUY
    Don't ever call me a butt pirate.
    CHAITANYA
    Why? You smoke, don't you?
    GUY
    "Butt Pirate" has nothing to do with cigarettes.
    Chaitanya blankly looks at him.
    GUY
    You'll find out one day, I'm sure.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING
    Guy sits asleep in the desk chair with his head lolled back and a rope of drool stretching from his mouth. Chaitanya taps him on the shoulder.
    CHAITANYA
    Hey. Hey!
    Guy starts awake. Chaitanya's now in a pair of TRANSFORMER PAJAMAS. Guy looks him up and down.
    GUY
    The fuck happened to you?
    CHAITANYA
    It's morning. You passed out last night and I was scared to wake you. My Dad will be here any minute, you should go.
    GUY
    Fine. Fuck. Yeah.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - LATER
    Guy shuffles down the hallway. He passes an INDIAN MAN going the other way.
    GUY
    Solemn a lick 'em.
    Guy keeps his head low and walks on. The Indian Man turns and looks after him. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL, HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
    Guy and Jenny speed-walk down the hall. Guy stumbles along, completely hung-over.
    JENNY
    Did I leave my underwear in your apartment last night?
    GUY
    Who knows?
    JENNY
    You look like hell.
    GUY
    I don't have a shower.
    An awkward beat.
    JENNY
    Baxter Flourney's in your round. He comes from Bee royalty.
    GUY
    I'm so scared.
    JENNY
    Maybe you should be. He's awesome.
    GUY
    Right.
    Guy walks in.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM - MOMENTS LATER
    Stage lights instantly hit Guy as he enters. Everyone murmurs as he makes his way to the stage.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH - SAME TIME
    Chuck and Pete are on the air.
    CHUCK
    AND HERE COMES OUR MAN OF MYSTERY!
    PETE
    Pure drama, Chuck. Pure drama. Ladies and Gentleman of the world, we have all one hundred and fifty competitors, let the Bee begin!
    Guy passes Director Deagan, who grimaces to herself in disappointment that he made it. CUT TO:

INT. HOUSEHOLD - SAME TIME
    A FAMILY gathers on the couch to watch the Spelling Bee...

INT. BEST BUY - SAME TIME
    Crowds of SHOPPERS cluster around the FLATSCREEN DISPLAY, which is turned to the Bee...

INT. SPORTS BAR - SAME TIME
    BAR REGULARS order rounds of beer and shush each other as they watch the Bee...

INT. TENT, SOMEWHERE IN AFGHANISTAN - SAME TIME
    SOLDIERS huddle in a camouflage tent around a small TV that is tuned to the Bee. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Guy finds his seat up on the stage right next to Baxter Flourney. A few rows up sits Chaitanya, who tries to get Guy's attention to wave at him, but fails. The PROCTOR and JUDGES sit facing them, and a crowd of uneasy parents watch from their seats. Jenny sits in the last seat in the last row.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    First up, Ling Quan, 13 years old from Pleasanton, Oregon.
    PETE
    Chuck, Ling says when she grows up she wants to be president of the United States.
    CHUCK
    (chuckling)
    Not a chance.
    Pete shoots chuck a look.
    CHUCK
    ...that...there is a single person who wouldn't vote for her. Let's go to the competition.
    They both chuckle.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    An ASIAN GIRL LING, 13, BRACES, moves up to the microphone.
    PROCTOR
    Dactylogram.
    LING
    Dactylogram?
    PROCTOR
    Dactylogram.
    LING
    Dactylogram.
    PROCTOR
    Dactylogram.
    Guy rubs his temples.
    GUY
    Oh God.
    The Asian Girl ghost-spells in the palm of her hand.
    LING
    Can I have the definition, please?
    PROCTOR
    A fingerprint.
    LING
    Dactylogram. Can I have the origin, please?
    PROCTOR
    Dactylogram. From a Greek combination dactylos meaning "fingers, toes."
    LING
    Dactylogram.
    PROCTOR
    Dactylogram.
    Ling ghost-spells in her palm one more time.
    GUY
    I'm in hell.
    Guy turns to Baxter.
    GUY
    Hey. Wassup. I'm Guy. You're Baxter, right?
    Baxter snobbishly looks over at Guy.
    BAXTER
    I'm not supposed to talk to you.
    GUY
    Why not?
    BAXTER
    Because my Dad says you're probably just some unemployed bum trying to steal the prize money that I deserve. And that you're a cheater.
    GUY
    Really?
    BAXTER
    Yeah.
    Guy chuckles at this slight. Baxter inches away. Guy puts his hands in his pocket and discovers he still has Jenny's underwear. Guy leans over to Baxter and nods out toward the audience.
    GUY
    Well, your Dad's kind of right. I don't blame him for being so angry. Do me a favor, will you?
    Guy pulls JENNY'S UNDERWEAR out from his pocket. Wads it into Baxter's hand.
    GUY
    Can you give these back to your mom? She left them in my room last night. I'd do it myself but your Dad's around and who wants to deal with that. Good luck with the divorce, by the way. Divorces suck.
    Baxter's snobbish look melts into shock.
    BAXTER
    What?
    Stunned, confused, Baxter takes the underwear, takes the news. The audience applauds as LING victoriously takes her seat.
    GUY
    Oh shit, you're up.
    Not knowing what else to do, Baxter quickly shoves the underwear into his pocket. Blinking hard, Baxter walks up to the mic- the underwear bulging in his pocket. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    PETE
    Next up, probably the next Spelling Bee king, Baxter Flourney.
    CHUCK
    Pete, Baxter says he wants to be president of the United States when he grows up. And win a Nobel.
    PETE
    Well, shall we cast our votes now?

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    PROCTOR
    Noctivagant.
    Baxter looks out to his parents. His FATHER watches sternly while his MOTHER offers a hopeful thumbs-up.
    PROCTOR
    Noctivagant.
    Baxter blinks back to consciousness.
    BAXTER
    I'm sorry, can you say the word again?
    PROCTOR
    Noctivagant.
    BAXTER
    Noct...
    PROCTOR
    Noctivagant.
    Baxter looks out at his parents again.
    BAXTER
    Noctivagant....definition?
    PROCTOR
    "Going about in the night; night- wandering."
    BAXTER
    Uh...Noctivagant. Can...can you use it in a sentence?
    PROCTOR
    "The noctivagant alley cat kept the entire neighborhood up all night by sitting on the fence, yowling out to her many suitors."
    The audience chuckles off this playful sentence. Is Baxter's mother chuckling the most? Baxter tries hard to focus. He starts to ghost-spell in his hand, but he can't concentrate. He sweats. He breathes hard.
    BAXTER
    Noctivagant. Other pron... pronunciations?
    PROCTOR
    I have just Noctivagant.
    Baxter swallows hard.
    BAXTER
    Noctivagant. N-O-C-T-I-V-I-G-A-N- T. Noctivagant.
    A delicate DESK BELL tings to alert everyone that Baxter spelled the word incorrectly! The crowd "AWWs" in disappointment. Some gasp. Baxter's parents erupt with surprise. Crushed, Baxter walks off the stage and down the isle. CUT TO:

INT. HOUSEHOLD - SAME TIME
    The MOTHER on the couch gasps and covers her mouth.
    CHUCK (TV)
    I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! DOWN GOES
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    A smile creeps across Guy's face. Then he starts to laugh.
    PETE (O.S.)
    Well Chuck, not everybody is displeased by this shocker...
    The camera zooms in on Guy's devilish grin. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    Well, Chuck. Now that the room seems to have recovered from that shock, up next, something even weirder...Guy Duncan.
    PETE
    Guy said when he grows up he wants to be a...well, he's already grown up.
    CHUCK
    Most people believe that Guy is pulling a stunt, and he'll immediately strike out here, let's listen in and see.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Guy heads to the mic.
    PROCTOR
    Frabjous-
    GUY
    (quick)
    F-R-A-B-J-O-U-S.
    Guy turns around and sits back down. He turns to all the kids around him.
    GUY
    (ominous)
    Are you ready to get your shit pushed in?
    The kids all look at Guy in shock. CUT TO: We pop around to televisions around the world as Guy easily spells his words throughout round one: On a television in a Barber shop...
    GUY
    (quick)
    F-R-A-B-J-O-U-S.
    On a television in an executive's office...
    PROCTOR
    SANG-FROID
    GUY
    (quick, unceremonious)
    S-A-N-G DASH F-R-O-I-D.
    On a television in a retirement home...
    PROCTOR
    EMOLUMENT.
    GUY
    (quick)
    CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - LATER
    Director Deagan faces a CROWD of screaming, angry parents in her office. She holds up her hands to shush them, and has to shout them down.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Listen, LISTEN! WE ARE DOING ALL THAT WE CAN to find a happy resolution to this situation!
    RAGING MOTHER
    Aren't you embarrassed? This is going to go down in history as the most ridiculous national spelling bee ever! And it will be on your head.
    RAGING FATHER
    HE IS A GROWN MAN!
    BEET-RED FATHER
    DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I'VE
    SPENT ON GOD-DAMNED COACHES?!
    RAGING FATHER
    He's a lunatic! He's infected!
    BEET-RED FATHER
    I swear on my child's life as God as my witness, this will be the last year you are Director of the Bee.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Look, Mr. Duncan doesn't possess the discipline and practice that all of your children have. I'm confident he's not going to make it much farther. I swear on all your children's lives that if he makes it to the final round, I'll step down as Director of the Bee. Immediately.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Guy lies on Jenny's bed, a mini rum bottle sticking out of his mouth.
    GUY
    You're room is bigger than mine. Thanks for letting me shower. I'll get to it as soon as my buzz picks up.
    JENNY
    Wow. You thanked me for something. Lemme ask you a question, what is the grammatical significance of the sentence, "Why run from fire ants?"
    GUY
    (barely thinking about it)
    I dunno. It contains all the vowels in the English language in reverse alphabetical order.
    JENNY
    Yeah but that's a sentence, too bad there isn't a single word that contains all the vowels, but in alphabetical order.
    GUY
    Facetious.
    Jenny stands up.
    JENNY
    Son of a bitch.
    GUY
    What?
    JENNY
    You are brilliant. No, really, you're a freaking genius!
    GUY
    Fuck you.
    JENNY
    Those questions I just asked you? From a test they give to geniuses. And I'd bet you have photographic memory, or something close to it.
    GUY
    I barely went to school. So your big conspiracy theory is shit.
    JENNY
    Yeah, well I got hold of your school records. Guess what? Your eighth grade counselor made a note in your file right before you dropped out that you showed signs of genius.
    Jenny tosses an old manila file onto Guy's chest. Guy picks it up. Reads it.
    JENNY
    Fed-Ex was waiting for me at the front desk. I told you I'm good.
    GUY
    (reading)
    That fucking fucker. Mr. Leavenworth told me I was a useless loser. And then he secretly makes notes that he thought I was smart. I'm glad I slashed his tires. And let his prized beagle loose.
    JENNY
    You display all the social signs of a genius. Antisocial. Outsider. You think you're better than others. You just never had a chance to shine in school. You never had a chance to realize it.
    GUY
    Boo hoo, I had a bad childhood. Waaah. I never knew my Daddy Waaahfuckinaaaah. You' sound pretty fucking stupid, you know that?
    JENNY
    Sometimes brilliance and photographic memory are inherited. Maybe your Mom was brilliant.
    GUY
    Not likely. She fucking hated it when I had books around.
    GUY
    One time as a kid I tried to sign up for the local spelling bee and she completely lost her shit on me for it.
    JENNY
    So is that why you're here? To do something you weren't able to do while your mom was alive?
    Guy realizes what Jenny's trying to do.
    GUY
    I'm not talking anymore.
    JENNY
    You know what? You have problems. You can't open up!
    GUY
    I have problems? Remember you last night? Now, that was a problem.
    JENNY
    (self-concious)
    So? So?
    GUY
    So?
    JENNY
    Well you can stop worrying about it because its never happening again!
    GUY
    Fucking good.
    JENNY
    GOOD!
    GUY
    Fine.
    JENNY
    Perfect!
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM, SHOWER - LATER
    Through the frosted glass we see Guy taking Jenny from behind, giving her dramatic thrusts.
    JENNY
    Oh God...GOD yes YES...don't look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!
    GUY
    I'M NOT LOOKING AT YOU THE WATER'S
    IN MY FUCKING FACE!
    UGH!
    YES!
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Guy gets dressed as Jenny lies on the bed. He heads for the door.
    JENNY
    Guy?
    Guy turns to Jenny.
    JENNY
    But what about your Dad?
    Guy leaves. CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Guy gets to the door of his shitty hotel room, where he finds Chaitanya sitting on the floor waiting for him.
    CHAITANYA
    Hey Guy! The hotel restaurant is still open. Wanna grab some alimentation for our hyperphagia!
    (beat)
    I'm hungry.
    GUY
    Why don't you do yourself a favor and find some other pre- masturbaters like yourself to nerd out with, okay? This place is crawling with them it shouldn't be hard.
    Chaitanya just gives him a blank look. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
    Guy slouches across the table from Chaitanya, completely lost in thought and fiddling with the salt shaker.
    CHAITANYA
    Without salt, civilization would not be the same.
    GUY
    Where are your folks? Shouldn't you all be eating a dinner of chilled monkey brains or something?
    CHAITANYA
    My father rather enjoys the dinner provided in his own hotel. Plus, he encourages me to spend as much time as possible preparing for each round. You want to practice with me?
    Chaitanya pulls out a HUGE THREE RING BINDER. Starts studying.
    GUY
    Listen, Slum Dog. I'm not here to be your fucking friend.
    CHAITANYA
    Then why'd you come with me?
    GUY
    I dunno. Because you look all pathetic and pussified and I can't stand it.
    Guy watches Chaitanya happily study.
    GUY
    I'm going to humiliate you up there. I'm going to beat you like a mule.
    CHAITANYA
    Not everything is about winning.
    GUY
    Right. You're not here to win.
    CHAITANYA
    It's about the love of spelling. It's about fun.
    GUY
    Fun?
    CHAITANYA
    Yeah.
    GUY
    Reading a bunch of fucking words and roots and all sorts of other wordy shit is fun?
    CHAITANYA
    Don't you think so?
    Guy scoffs.
    GUY
    Then, you've never really had real fun.
    CHAITANYA
    One time, for breakfast I was eating waffles, and I thought to myself, "Hmmm this looks like a scrabble board." So then, without my mother knowing, I opened up a can of alphabet soup and drained all the soup out...and used the letters to play scrabble...ON MY WAFFLES!
    Chaitanya snickers gleefully.
    GUY
    With who?
    CHAITANYA
    What?
    GUY
    Who did you play Scrabble on your waffles with? Against?
    CHAITANYA
    Just myself! It was crazy!
    GUY
    You are a flaming nerd.
    An ANGRY WOMAN walks up to Guy.
    ANGRY WOMAN
    Excuse me. I'm the mother of one of the competitors competing here.
    GUY
    That's what competitors do, right?
    ANGRY WOMAN
    I just want to say what you're doing is an insult to every honest child who worked so hard to be here, including my son.
    GUY
    I have an idea. Why don't you take said son and shove him back up your rusty birth canal.
    ANGRY WOMAN
    How dare you?!
    GUY
    How dare YOU!
    ANGRY WOMAN
    HOW DARE YOU?!
    GUY
    No! HOW DARE YOU!
    Speechless, the Angry Woman marches away. Guy looks at Chaitanya.
    GUY
    Fucking moms, right? Fuck 'em. Let's go get a fucking hot dog. This place is depressing me.
    CHAITANYA
    I can't.
    GUY
    Why the fuck not?
    CHAITANYA
    My Dad doesn't want me to leave the hotel.
    GUY
    Your Dad is off having fun without you, like Dad's fuckin' seem to do, right?
    GUY
    Just running off, having their own wonderful lives. We're just going for a hot dog. Jesus.
    CHAITANYA
    What if he calls to check up on me?
    GUY
    So you miss his call. Say you were on the shitter. Or just say you went fucking out! What's he going to do? Pull you out of the National fucking Spelling Bee? Come on.
    Guy leads Chaitanya out of the lobby. CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
    Jenny sits at a table with a cup of joe. JEREMY, 40s, HANDSOME CRISP SUIT sits down across from her.
    JEREMY
    Jenny Widgeon. How are you?
    JENNY
    Jeremy. It's been a long time.
    JEREMY
    I'll say. I'm glad I was in town to catch your call.
    JENNY
    Wow. You look really, really good.
    Jenny grabs the sugar and starts pouring lots into her coffee.
    JEREMY
    Thanks. I've been staying away from sugar. Cold turkey.
    Jenny self-consciously puts the sugar down.
    JENNY
    Wow. It shows. How's the world's handsomest federal agent doing these days?
    JEREMY
    It's not as fun as it used to be. I miss you digging around where you shouldn't be.
    JENNY
    Yeah, me, too. Listen, I need to call in "the" favor.
    JEREMY
    Oh! What a relief. I was hoping that's why you called. It's been hanging over my head like giant, Cancerous testicle for years. I like to keep a debt-free lifestyle.
    Jenny slips Jeremy a napkin with "GUY DUNCAN" written on it.
    JENNY
    Anything you can find would be appreciated.
    JEREMY
    That's it? Just a background run?
    JENNY
    Yep.
    JEREMY
    I expected so much more. It doesn't seem like enough. You saved my ass...my career!
    JENNY
    After this we're even steven.
    JEREMY
    Just this? No sex? I mean I'm married but I'll do it.
    JENNY
    No.
    JEREMY
    Or I dunno...I could frame somebody for drug possession...have their records wiped...a mysterious deportation of an annoying neighbor, maybe?
    JENNY
    Nope. This is it.
    JEREMY
    Put someone on the most wanted list? It's really easy to do.
    JENNY
    Not necessary.
    JEREMY
    Fill their facebook page with kiddie porn?
    JENNY
    Really, no.
    JEREMY
    Well, I'll take it! A small price to pay. Thanks Jenny.
    JENNY
    No, thank you.
    CUT TO:

INT. BEN'S CHILI BOWL - LATER
    Sitting across from each other, Guy and Chaitanya chomp Chili Dogs. Chaitanya smiles with each bite, chili drips all over his mouth.
    CHAITANYA
    This is the best hot dog I've ever had in my entire life!
    GUY
    Slow down, Slum Dog. You've got fucking chili everywhere. You look like you've eaten out someone's ass.
    CHAITANYA
    Ha ha! Funny. You look like there was a person who pooped their underwear and then you paid them five dollars for their pooped underwear and then they sold it to you and then you used it for a bank robber mask and then you threw the pooped underwear away and forgot to wash your face!
    Chaitanya takes a happy sip of his soda.
    GUY
    You should really not try to insult people. You can't do it.
    CHAITANYA
    This soda pop is so delicious.
    GUY
    Just call it "soda" okay? Otherwise you're asking to get raped.
    CHAITANYA
    Wow. I can't believe it. I am actually out in Washington D.C.
    GUY
    So?
    CHAITANYA
    I've never been out before.
    GUY
    Bullshit.
    CHAITANYA
    Really. My father says that seeing the sights would prove to be too big of a distraction.
    GUY
    Let me get this straight. This is the third year you've been to Washington D.C. and you've never left the fucking hotel? Ever?
    CHAITANYA
    Yeah.
    GUY
    Well, doesn't that make you fucking mad?
    CHAITANYA
    As my father says, I'm here for the spelling bee, not to be a tourist. Plus, he always brings me back a souvenir.
    GUY
    Wait, while you bleed and shit all over your study words your dad goes and sees all the sights?
    CHAITANYA
    One time he got me this cool snowglobe with the Lincoln Memorial in it.
    GUY
    Listen to me. Your life has been total horseshit. You gotta see stuff to know stuff. You gotta really give it to your old man. Don't let him get away with this!
    CHAITANYA
    Get away with what?
    GUY
    Being a selfish asshole.
    CHAITANYA
    No he's not.
    GUY
    I call "Horseshit." I call it! I'm saying it out loud right now. No wonder you're such a fucking oddball.
    CHAITANYA
    I've always liked the word "oddball." A useful synonym for that is "heteroclite."
    GUY
    You. Are. A. Fucking. Heteroclit.
    CHAITANYA
    (correcting Guy)
    "clite."
    GUY
    No, I meant, clit, because that is how you are acting right now. Come on. Finish up. There's no time to waste. You gotta do shit.
    CHAITANYA
    Like what?
    GUY
    How about being a little like a fucking kid, for starters.
    CUT TO: MONTAGE

INT. SUBWAY STATION - NIGHT
    Guy and Chaitanya jump over a subway turnstile and dash into a subway car...

EXT. REFLECTING POOL - LATER
    With his pant legs rolled up, Chaitanya wades across the pool and picks up as many coins as possible. Guy encourages him to pick up more... CUT TO:

EXT. HARDWARE STORE - LATER
    Guy and Chaitanya each dash out of the store with a spray paint can in hand...

EXT. ALLEYWAY - LATER
    With his spray paint, Guy scrawls graffiti words "COCK" and "DICK" and "ASS" on the alley wall. With his can Chaitanya scrawls "COPRAPHAGIA!"

EXT. D.C. BAR - LATER
    Guy gives Chaitanya the "Shhh" signal as they sneak up on a LOBBYIST who is passed out on the sidewalk and take off his shoes. They run away before the Lobbyist comes-to.

EXT. D.C. STREET - LATER
    After Guy ties the laces of the expensive looking stolen loafers together, he coaches Chaitanya on how to launch them up in the air to tangle them in the overhead power line. Chaitanya gives the shoes a throw, and they catch on the first try. The two high-five underneath the dangling shoes.

INT. LIQUOR STORE - LATER
    Guy and Chaitanya are in the back by the refrigerators. Guy opens a glass door and pulls out a MICKEYS 40. He shoves it in Chaitanya's jacket. The two conspicuously walk out, but get away with it. END MONTAGE

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL STEPS - LATER
    Guy takes a swig of the Mickeys. Hands it to Chaitanya. Chaitanya takes a swig. And chokes. COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!
    GUY
    Easy there, Slum Dog.
    CHAITANYA
    Wow. I think that went all the way to my balls.
    GUY
    Hell yeah, it did.
    CHAITANYA
    I said "balls."
    Guy takes another swig.
    CHAITANYA
    I like having you as a friend.
    GUY
    I'm not your friend.
    CHAITANYA
    I really don't have any friends at home. At first, I thought being good at spelling would get me friends, but kids just make fun of me more. I hate being picked on.
    GUY
    You know, when I was a kid I moved a lot, running with my mom from credit collectors, ditching apartments to avoid the rent...I was never in one place long enough to have any friends.
    Guy remembers, snickers... Chaitanya pulls a TOY TAXI CAB out of his pocket, rolls it on the step.
    GUY
    What the fuck is that?
    CHAITANYA
    (sheepish)
    I grabbed it in the liquor mart.
    CHAITANYA
    Toys are fun to have when you can't play with other kids. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
    GUY
    I had a toy car once. It was this shitty little matchbox police car. It never left my pocket. But one night, as we were ditching this one apartment, it fell out of my pocket in the dark. I never saw it again. So yeah...no toys. No friends.
    CHAITANYA
    I don't really have friends, either. It's hard to have friends when you're always studying.
    GUY
    Jesus. That wasn't my problem.
    CHAITANYA
    Well, I'm your friend now.
    This catches Guy off guard and he needs to avoid it.
    GUY
    So tell me, Chaiwala, you got a girlfriend? I was just joking. I know you don't have a girlfriend.
    CHAITANYA
    You don't know that!
    GUY
    Yes I do. If there's anything I know, it's that you don't have a girlfriend.
    CHAITANYA
    Well, maybe I don't have a girlfriend, but I've felt a girl up, before.
    GUY
    Oh yeah?
    CHAITANYA
    Yeah!
    GUY
    I'm not talking about hugs with grandma.
    CHAITANYA
    No! Not my grandma, a real girl!
    GUY
    Oh, a real fucking girl! I get it, now.
    Guy points the Mickeys up at the statue of Abraham Lincoln.
    GUY
    You know who that is, right?
    CHAITANYA
    Lincoln.
    GUY
    He fucking died so that you could feel up any type of girl you want.
    (beat)
    Point is, you're Indian, right? But thanks to that guy, if you wanted to feel up, say, a white girl, they can't arrest you. Because you're fucking equal. Thanks, Lincoln!
    CHAITANYA
    Thanks, Lincoln. Okay, I've never felt up a girl.
    GUY
    No shit you haven't. Fucking liar.
    CHAITANYA
    But one day I will.
    GUY
    I bet.
    Guy takes another swig.
    CHAITANYA
    I just hope I get one with nipples.
    Guy chokes a bit.
    GUY
    What?
    CHAITANYA
    I just hope that the first girl I feel up has nipples.
    GUY
    Every girl has nipples.
    CHAITANYA
    Well, you must be very lucky then. But every girl does not have nipples. No.
    GUY
    Why in the fuck do you think that not all girls have nipples?
    CHAITANYA
    Just look around at any girl walking by! Look at their shirts. On some you can see the little...nipples poking through their shirt. On others...there's nothing.
    GUY
    Oh sweet Jesus. You're in bad shape, you know that?
    CHAITANYA
    Every time I think about it I get worried. I also worry that if I am lucky to get a girl with nipples, I hope they're round.
    GUY
    You know what? Let me help you put your mind at ease. Come on.
    CHAITANYA
    Where we going?
    Guy leads Chaitanya off the Memorial steps. CUT TO:

EXT. 5TH STREET - LATER
    Guy walks with Chaitanya.
    CHAITANYA
    Where are we going?
    GUY
    Just fucking hold your horses. If my old man was around, I wish he did something like this for me.
    CHAITANYA
    Are we getting a sundae? I could really go for a sundae right now.
    Guy pulls Chaitanya into an alley.

EXT. ALLEY
    GUY
    Okay. Stay here. Don't fucking move.
    CHAITANYA
    Are you going to get ice cream cones?
    GUY
    Fucking NO with the ice cream! Just wait here.
    Guy disappears out of the alley back onto the street.

EXT. 5TH STREET
    We follow Guy as he spots a PROSTITUTE standing directly under a sign that reads, "PROSTITUTE FREE ZONE."

EXT. ALLEY
    Guy returns with the prostitute. Chaitanya, who was leaning against the wall, straightens up.
    GUY
    Slum Dog, I want you to meet Marzipan. Marzipan, Slum Dog.
    CHAITANYA
    Hi.
    MARZIPAN
    You said he was sixteen!
    GUY
    He is sixteen, he just has a hydro- thyroid retentional problem. You know, like Gary Coleman.
    MARZIPAN
    Oh, jeez. God rest his sweet, funny soul.
    GUY
    Alright, Chaiwala. All I can say is, "You're fucking welcome!"
    CHAITANYA
    For what?
    Marzipan PULLS UP HER SHIRT. Chaitanya's eyes go wide as wagon wheels as he stares at Marzipan's naked tits.
    MARZIPAN
    ...three...four...five...six... seven...eight...nine...ten.
    Marzipan lowers her shirt. Guy pulls out a ten dollar bill from his pocket. Hands it to her.
    GUY
    Here.
    MARZIPAN
    What, no tip?
    GUY
    Don't ask for the only ten I got and then I'll have something to tip you with next time. There's a tip.
    MARZIPAN
    Asshole.
    (to Chaitanya)
    Bye sweetie. Good luck with your glands and shit.
    Marzipan leaves the alley. Chaitanya hasn't moved a muscle since the tit unveiling.
    GUY
    I actually lied, I have a couple more bucks. You wanna get ice cream?
    CHAITANYA
    Fuck the ice cream, I want to grow up right now!
    They both leave the alley. CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, LOBBY - LATER
    The sleepy DESK CLERK watches as Guy and Chaitanya drag their exhausted bodies across the lobby to the elevator. CUT TO:

INT. ELEVATOR, MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
    Guy and Chaitanya both lean against the back of the elevator. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya stops at his door. Guy keeps shuffling on.
    CHAITANYA
    Hey, Guy? This was like, the best night of my life. Are we friends now?
    Without turning around, Guy flips Chaitanya the bird, and steels a small smile to himself, but keeps on walking to his room.
    CHAITANYA
    Cool.
    Chaitanya, opens his door, where we see his father, the Indian man from before, sternly waiting for him inside. He goes in and the door closes. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL HALL - THE NEXT DAY
    Jenny and Guy walk down the hall to the next round. Guy keeps looking at Jenny, but whenever she looks at him, he looks away.
    GUY
    Fuck it. Yes, it was just me and my mom growing up. Life sucked, and then she died last year. It's as simple as that.
    JENNY
    I think you like me.
    GUY
    What? Don't flatter yourself. You just suck at your job and I'm tired of watching you beg.
    Chaitanya approaches them.
    CHAITANYA
    Guy! I wanted to give you something before the round starts. For good luck.
    Chaitanya hands Guy his toy taxi that has been crudely converted with black and red markers, into a police car. This is the first time we see Guy being touched by anything.
    GUY
    Thanks.
    CHAITANYA
    I'm going to totally bust your nut.
    GUY
    No, you don't mean that.
    CHAITANYA
    I do!
    GUY
    The nut busting...It's not what you mean...I'm not...just say you're going to kick my ass.
    CHAITANYA
    Okay. See you in there!
    JENNA
    What was that all about?
    Guy puts the toy car in his pocket.
    GUY
    Let's go spell some fucking words.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    And welcome everyone who's tuned in to watch Round Two of the Scribbs Institute National Spelling Bee. I wonder what today will offer, Pete?
    PETE
    Ninety Nine problems, but I'm sure a misspelled bitch ain't one of them, Chuck.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM PROCTOR'S TABLE - SAME TIME
    Director Deagan leans over to the Proctor.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Sorry. There was an error with the randomization programming, I need to give you the fix before the round.
    PROCTOR
    Okay.
    Director Deagan inserts a USB stick into the Proctor's computer and uploads the program, with a devilish smile.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE - LATER
    Guy sits among the competitors, in his own personal hell, as Round two drones on. A KOREAN BOY with Cowlick Hair stands in front of the mic.
    COWLICK
    Rhapsodize... can I please have the definition?
    PROCTOR
    "To talk with extravagant enthusiasm." Rhapsodize.
    COWLICK
    Rhapsodize. Any other pronunciations?
    Guy sees Joyce Sacks sitting in front of him. He taps her on the shoulder.
    GUY
    Excuse me.
    Joyce turns.
    GUY
    That's your Dad out there in the audience, right?
    JOYCE
    Yeah.
    Guy pulls a pair of HIS OWN UNDERWEAR out of his pocket.
    GUY
    This is kind of embarrassing, but he left these in my room last night and I don't want to humiliate him by handing them back myself. It was just horseplay, I swear.
    (beat)
    He truly loves your mom.
    With horror, Joyce takes the underwear and stares at it for a long beat. Tears well up in her eyes. Her lower lip quivers. Joyce stands up out of her seat. All eyes are directed at her as she points out into the audience at her father.
    JOYCE
    (shrill)
    I KNEW IT!!!
    Joyce storms off the stage. Guy smiles, pleasantly surprised. All the other kids remain seated, somewhat rattled.
    Joyce's parents get up and run after her.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    PETE
    Annnnd end scene! Unbelievable! Joyce Sacks flames out without misspelling a single word!
    CHUCK
    Pete, she caved like a skull hit with a ball peen hammer, Pete.
    PETE
    I'd hate to have a look in your freezer.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    PROCTOR
    I, um, apologize for that.
    COWLICK
    It's okay. R-H-A-P-S-O-D-I-Z-E. Rhapsodize.
    PROCTOR
    That is correct.
    The audience applauds.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    AND LEE PARK HITS A BULL'S-EYE!
    PETE
    Maybe one day Lee Park will have a park named after him. The "Lee Park Park." And then they can add a park and ride adjacent to it. The "Lee Park Park Park and Ride." Something to be proud of, Chuck.
    CHUCK
    Yeeesss.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    It's Guy's turn. He turns to the kids as he gets up.
    GUY
    I hope you're fuckin' ready, because I'm about to get all Optimus Prime on your asses.
    Guy steps up to the mic. He watches as the Proctor's eyes go WIDE for a moment.
    PROCTOR
    PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICO-
    VOLCANOCONIOSIS.
    The audience gasps. Guy pauses.
    PETE (O.S.)
    Can you spell Uh-oh, Chuck?
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    Chances are I can spell it better than that word!
    GUY
    Damn it.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, AUDIENCE - SAME TIME
    Director Deagan smiles. Leans forward in her chair. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Guy steps away from the mic for a moment. Paces. We think he's panicking. But then he spots something in the back of the auditorium.
    GUY
    Thank God. I was worried there for a second.
    Guy waves to the back of the auditorium. Everyone turns around to find a wide-eyed WAITER from the hotel bar, holding a MARTINI.
    GUY
    Yeah, that's me...
    Unsure, the waiter walks up the aisle to the stage.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    PETE
    UN. BELIEVABLE! Guy is pulling a Thurston Howell the Third right here at the Bee!
    Director Deagan makes a B line to the Judges' table.
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    Looks like Director Deagan doesn't agree with Guy's methodology.
    PETE (O.S.)
    But I can tell you right now, Chuck, that Deagan's gonna come up dryer than Grandma's sex toy on this one. There is no rule that states a contestant can't drink during a round- because usually the contestants are under the legal age to drink.
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe? Not this fella!
    After quietly conferring with the Judges, Director Deagan throws her arms up in the air and storms back to her seat.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Guy watches Director Deagan go and then bends down to the waiter, takes the Martini.
    GUY
    What's the damage?
    WAITER
    Eleven dollars.
    GUY
    ELEV- there better be like, angel semen in this drink, or something.
    The audience gasps as everything Guy's saying is being picked up by the mic. Guy plops his room cardkey in the waiter's hand.
    GUY
    Here, put it on the room account, and check back every once in awhile. I'm gonna dry out real fast.
    WAITER
    Yessir.
    Guy leans into the mic.
    GUY
    Oh yeah. Sorry.
    (fast)
    GUY
    P-N-E-U-M-O-N-OU-L-T-R-AM-I-C-
    R-OS-C-O-P-I-CS-I-L-I-C-OV-O-L-
    C-A-N-OC-O-N-I-O-S-I-S.
    Guy unceremoniously returns to his seat with his drink.
    PROCTOR
    (unbelieving)
    Correct.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, AUDIENCE - SAME TIME
    Director Deagan crosses her arms with a huff. MONTAGE We cut between Guy and the other competitors standing at the mic. Guy spells lightning fast every time, and simply turns back to his seat, cocktail in hand, knowing he spelled correctly. The others pause, ghost-spell in their hands, and spell with uncertainty. Angry viewers around the world boo and throw stuff at their TVs every time Guy is up...
    GUY
    H-E-P-A-T-I-C-OC-H-O-L-A-N-G-I-OC-H-
    O-L-E-C-Y-S-TE-N-T-E-R-OS-T-O-M-I-E-
    S.
    FRECKLE FACED BOY
    Can I have the root origin please?
    GUY
    A-P-O-T-H-E-G-M.
    CHAITANYA
    Pertinacious. Can that be used in a sentence please?
    As Chaitanya spells we see Guy very subtly spelling along with him...almost with encouraging enthusiasm.
    GUY
    F-L-O-C-C-IN-A-U-C-I-N-IH-I-L-I-P-I-
    LI-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N.
    CHUCK
    This is amazing! The luck of the draw is not going Guy's way as it seems he's getting every mile-long word in the English language!!!
    CAMBODIAN GIRL
    Hagridden. H-A-G-R-I-T-T-O-N.
    Ting! The girl's face falls.
    GUY
    A-N-T-ID-I-SE-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-HM-E-N-
    TA-R-I-A-NI-S-M.
    SHAVED HEAD BOY
    ...H-I-P.
    Ting! He's out. His lowers his head.
    Ting! Another girl is out. She turns to walk off as her face sours into a big sob.
    Ting! Another boy is out. He smacks his forehead and walks away.
    Ting! And another. He turns and leaves.
    Ting! And another. He turns and leaves.
    GUY
    (burp spells)
    H-O-N-O-R-IF-I-C-A-B-I-L-IT-U-D-I-N-
    IT-A-T-I-B-U-S.
    PROCTOR
    (horrified disappointed)
    That is correct.
    One clap can be heard in the back. Coming from Chaitanya. Guy spells one word after another...with more physical flare each time. By his last word, Guy's busting ELVIS KARATE KICKS on his way back to his seat. END MONTAGE. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - EVENING
    The pack of angry parents surround Director Deagan as she fights her way through.
    ANGRY MOM
    He's in the final round!
    Director Deagan looks to all the angry parents.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    Okay, well, obviously I'm not going to resign. That would leave the Bee rudderless in this storm!
    ANGRY DAD
    BULLSHIT!
    The crowd of parents grow loud with protest. Director Deagan, for the first time, looks like the pressure is getting to her. Elsewhere, Guy exits the ballroom amid very harsh stares. Chaitanya catches up with Guy.
    CHAITANYA
    Alright! We're both in! Top twenty five!
    Chaitanya tries to hi-five Guy but misses and hits his chest. Jenny approaches.
    CHAITANYA
    I'm going to kick your ass. You want to eat dinner together? And then maybe study or something?
    GUY
    Yeah. I don't know, maybe.
    CHAITANYA
    Meet me in the lobby in like, an hour.
    GUY
    Yeah, alright.
    Chaitanya saunters off.
    JENNY
    Did I just see what I just saw?
    GUY
    What?
    JENNY
    You have a friend?
    GUY
    Look. he's an incredibly annoying kid and the only way to keep him from driving me insane is to deal with him.
    JENNY
    Do you have a little buddy?
    GUY
    Hey! It's none of your business, okay?
    JENNY
    Okay! I was just joking. Have all the friends you want!
    GUY
    I will! I gotta go study.
    Guy storms away. Jenny calls after him.
    JENNY
    I know you're not studying you don't study! Have fun with your buddy!
    CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, LOBBY - LATER
    Guy walks past the gift shop. Pauses. Turns to go in. CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, GIFT SHOP - LATER
    Guy stands in front of the magazine stand. Contemplating. With a smile, Guy grabs a Playboy Magazine. Guy passes the freezer. Then returns to quickly grab a pint of ice cream. Guy plops them both down at the register. The OLD LADY CLERK, 80s, raises her eyebrows.
    OLD LADY CLERK
    Gettin' ready for a wild night, huh?
    Guy slaps down money, sneers and leaves. CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Guy approaches Chaitanya's hotel room. The door is slightly ajar. He's about to knock when he hears Chaitanya's Dad.
    CHAITANYA'S DAD (O.S.)
    Just make sure he's locked in, okay?
    CHAITANYA (O.S.)
    Dad. He's totally locked in. He's took me around to see the sights last night! Something you've never done, by the way.
    CHAITANYA'S DAD (O.S.)
    Chaitanya, focus. This man is your enemy. Keep him close but don't forget that. Remember Donnie Brasco. You want to win? Do you?
    CHAITANYA (O.S.)
    Of course!
    CHAITANYA'S DAD (O.S.)
    Then make best friends with him! Get him so that he couldn't bear to beat you!
    CHAITANYA (O.S.)
    Dad, I got it, okay? No problem.
    Guy's face falls. He walks away. Further down the hall we see Guy lean an arm against the wall for support. We see his shoulders heave once- and once only. Guy hurls the ice cream down the all, then continues on. CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, LOBBY - NIGHT
    Guy waits in the lobby, with the bagged magazine in hand. Chaitanya approaches.
    GUY
    WERE YOU PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND
    JUST TO TRY TO BEAT ME?
    CHAITANYA
    What? No! No!
    GUY
    Plying me with booze? Earning my trust? Huh?
    CHAITANYA
    Listen, I can explain.
    GUY
    And what about last night, huh? Thought you'd make me tired? Become best friends along the way so I wouldn't want to beat you?
    CHAITANYA
    Listen, I know it's weird but-
    GUY
    You little shitwit just admit I was your damned mark!
    Chaitanya hems and haws.
    CHAITANYA
    -IT WAS MY DAD'S IDEA, OKAY?
    He felt you were the biggest threat. The wild card. But I really like you.
    GUY
    Liar.
    CHAITANYA
    It was the truth that I'd never left the hotel before last night. It was truth that you and I became friends!
    GUY
    All so that you could win.
    CHAITANYA
    No. Yes. Well, no. The getting you to lose part was my Dad's idea but you're cool and I like you. You showed me my first boobs!
    Guy turns away. Chaitanya scurries around to face him.
    CHAITANYA
    Do you want to see a friend lose? My Dad will be so disappointed in me.
    Guy takes out the toy cab/police car Chaitanya gave him, drops it on the floor and crushes it with his heel.
    GUY
    Fuck you sideways, Chaiwala!
    Guy storms out of the lobby. CUT TO:

EXT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya chases after Guy.
    CHAITANYA
    Guy! Guy!
    As Guy walks off a MASKED ASSAILANT with a PIPE rushes Guy. WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! Right at the knee! Guy crumples to the ground, screaming. The masked assailant stands over Guy, then freaks and spins and dashes off- DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING TAXI CAB. The cab slams on its brakes, sending the Masked Assailant rolling over its hood. A crowd quickly gathers around the commotion. The cabbie gets out of the cab and approaches the Masked Assailant, now out cold on the street. The cabbie removes the mask. IT'S DIRECTOR DEAGAN! CUT TO:

EXT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL
    Police, paramedics, and looky-loos surround the scene. Director Deagan, now handcuffed on a gurney, is being lifted up into an ambulance.
    DIRECTOR DEAGAN
    He's the one you should be arresting! He's a bad man! A B-A- D M-A-N!
    The ambulance doors close and the ambulance drives off. Jenny sits with Guy, who now has his knee wrapped in ice.
    JENNY
    I'm going to go talk to your buddy.
    Guy's holding a death stare on Chaitanya, who stands off in the distance with his father, talking to the police.
    GUY
    He's not my friend and don't go fucking talking to him!
    Chaitanya nervously glances over at Guy. The moment is tense.
    JENNY
    I need to.
    GUY
    Do it and I'll go talk to ESPN. I'll totally open up.
    JENNY
    YOU WOULDN'T!
    GUY
    Try me.
    Guy limps away. Jenny's phone vibrates. She has an e-mail alert. It reads: "Jenny- Guy Trippon info. We're even! Jeremy." Jenny opens up the e-mail on her phone. Reads. Her eyes go wide. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Chaitanya studies from his huge binder. His phone rings. He picks it up.
    CHAITANYA
    Hello?
    FRONT DESK
    Yes, your father left a message saying he'll be waiting for you in the lobby in five minutes.
    CHAITANYA
    (confused)
    Really? Thanks.

INT. HOTEL HALL - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya walks out of his room. Before the door shuts completely, GUY silently limps inside from behind a nearby planter.

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya looks around the lobby. No father. Chaitanya freezes- a horrible thought has just crossed his mind. Chaitanya runs for the elevator.

INT. HOTEL HALL - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya runs as fast as he can to his room.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    Chaitanya scrambles inside...HIS BINDER IS GONE! Chaitanya notices a flickering reflection from his window. Chaitanya looks out his window to see Guy below in the parking lot, standing next to the BURNING BINDER! Guy looks up and flips Chaitanya the double bird. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    There is a knock at Guy's door. Guy limps over to and opens it to face a PIZZA DELIVERY GUY holding TWENTY PIZZA BOXES.
    PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
    That will be two hundred and eighty dollars, not including tip.
    Guy grits his teeth and slams his door.
    GUY
    Amateur.
    CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MUCH LATER
    There's a knock on Chaitanya's door. He opens it and is greeted by MARZIPAN.
    MARZIPAN
    Hey, Sugar!
    Suddenly ANOTHER HOOKER APPROACHES.
    HOOKER
    What are you doin' here, bitch?!
    MARZIPAN
    I GOT THE CALL.
    HOOKER
    WELL SO DID I!
    MARZIPAN
    This is my hood, bitch!
    HOOKER
    WHO YOU CALLING BITCH, BITCH?
    Chaitanya slams his door shut, completely freaked out as the two prostitutes wage war out in the hallway. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MUCH MUCH LATER
    Guy jumps awake to his door being rapped hard.
    GUY
    WHO IS IT?
    POLICE (O.S.)
    D.C.P.D. Open up, Sir.
    GUY
    Yeah, right! Nice try Chaiwala! Who'd you hire, the doorman?
    POLICE (O.S.)
    Sir, we've received a call that you're holding someone against their will in your room, open the door or we will open it for you.
    Guy sits up in bed. Decides to play along.
    GUY
    That's right, coppers! I've got a hostage! And I'll do her if you get any closer! Then, I'll fuckin' do myself, you hear?!
    Guy listens, footsteps hurry away from his door.
    GUY
    Complete fucking amateur.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    Guy lies asleep on his bed. BOOM! The door splinters open!
    GUY
    Huh...whah?
    A horde of SWAT stumble into the room and on top of Guy. CUT TO:

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAWN
    Jenny walks out with Guy.
    GUY
    That little fucking bastard!
    JENNY
    Hey, at least they didn't press charges.
    GUY
    He knew I wouldn't believe it was the real cops. It's war!
    JENNY
    Guy. I gotta talk to you about something. I've been digging around and...I found out who your father is. Maybe...just stop walking for a second.
    Jenny stops Guy. Looks into his eyes. Takes a deep breath.
    JENNY
    As incredible as this sounds, Guy, your father is Scribbs President Bill Bowman.
    GUY
    Yeah. I know.
    JENNY
    Wait, what? You do?
    GUY
    My mother told me when she was dying. He was a traveling encyclopedia salesman, she was a waitress at a diner he passed through all the time. When she got pregnant he stuck around for awhile or something, but once I was born, he headed for the hills and never looked back.
    JENNY
    So Bowman doesn't have any idea who you are-
    GUY
    -Not a fucking clue. And he's not going to until I finish making a mockery out of what he seems to love more than anything else, the spelling bee.
    JENNY
    Guy! This is huge.
    GUY
    It's not important to your story, if that's what you're trying to drive at.
    JENNY
    Like hell it isn't! This is completely important. Everything else falls to the wayside for this.
    JENNY
    This is now the whole point of my article.
    GUY
    No fucking way.
    JENNY
    Look, not wanting me to get a quote from some kid is one thing, but you can't really tell me what to write.
    GUY
    I'm doing it right now.
    JENNY
    I like you and I thought you liked me, but nothing gets in the way of me doing my job well.
    GUY
    Are you kidding me? Nothing gets in the way of your shitty little tabloid piece? Spare me. Why don't you knock off this professional reporter act. You write for a scabby rag that fat housewives wash down with a pint of ice cream every week.
    Jenny's clearly stung by Guy's words.
    GUY
    If you write one word about this, I'll never talk to you again!
    JENNY
    FINE! THEN I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY
    IT HAS TO BE! You just do what you have to do and I'll do what I have to do.
    GUY
    Whatever. You fucking ingrate!
    Jenny scoffs. She's so enraged she's speechless. Jenny storms off. Guy watches her go, angry, yet torn by a tinge of regret. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    And welcome everyone to the big tamale, the final countdown, where the eye meets the tiger! Pete, if you thought the going got weird during the Bee yesterday, just listen to what happened when the semi-final round was over. Reports have come in that National Spelling Bee Director Bernice Deagan has been arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon, on none other than Guy Duncan!
    PETE
    She tried to Tanya Harding him, Chuck. With a pipe. And a ski mask. Allegedly. Much to America's disappointment, Guy only suffered minor injuries and will be competing in the final round.
    CHUCK
    Un. Believable. This morning Scribbs COO Bill Bowman announced that Director Deagan has been removed from her position and that he himself will oversee the final round today. And we are fortunate enough to have Mr. Bowman with us, in Washington D.C., right now.
    Bowman steps into frame.
    BOWMAN
    Thank you, Chuck. I would like to take the opportunity to address this unique situation to everyone watching out there. I regret the alleged actions of former Director Bernice Deagan. As you know, I myself am a former bee champ. Before I became one of the most influential and powerful executives in America, I learned first hand that the bee is about sportsmanship, not assault and battery. I look forward to moving past this ugly incident and am very excited to personally crown our next National Spelling Bee Champ, whoever that may be.
    CHUCK
    From your lips to God's ears. Pete, take it away.
    PETE
    So let's get to it! The final round of this year's Scribbs Institute National Spelling Bee, where the last speller standing walks away with five hundred thousand dollars-
    Bowman leans in to interject.
    BOWMAN
    -And a lifetime supply of dictionaries and encyclopedias-
    PETE
    -blah blah blah FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    All twenty five competitors sit up on the stage as the judges and audience and Bowman sit before them. Disheveled and worse for the wear, Guy limps past Chaitanya, who's wearing a blazer that has one sleeve obviously longer than the other.
    GUY
    What happened to the duds? Looks like a "friend" got hold of them.
    Chaitanya's tired and grumpy.
    CHAITANYA
    You got arrested.
    GUY
    I'm going to fucking end you.
    CHAITANYA
    (through gritted teeth)
    Bring it.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    PETE
    Looks like there's some harsh words being shared between two of the contestants down there, Chuck.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Eric Tai walks up to the mic. He's super awkward, nearly savantish with his rocking back-and-forth.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    This is Eric Tai. Quite the word Ninja.
    PETE
    Yes. If a Chinese person could be a Ninja.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    PROCTOR
    Inchoate.
    ERIC
    Inchoate.
    PROCTOR
    Inchoate.
    ERIC
    Can I have the definition, please?
    PROCTOR
    Presenting favorable circumstances or conditions. Inchoate.
    ERIC
    Inchoate. Part of speech, please?
    PROCTOR
    Adjective.
    ERIC
    Inchoate.
    Eric ghost-spells in the palm of his hand.
    ERIC
    Inchoate. I-N-C-H-O-A-T-E. Inchoate.
    PROCTOR
    That is correct.
    The audience goes wild. Eric pumps his fist in just about the nerdiest way possible, and returns to his seat. Next, Chaitanya comes up to the mic. Guy leans forward in his seat.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    Chaitanya Chopra, Chuck. Chaitanya has been here twice before and hopes three times is the charm.
    PETE
    Let's see if the genie's in his bottle, Pete.
    CHUCK
    That might have been a skosh culturally insensitive.
    PETE
    No more than calling a Chinese kid a Ninja. Let's listen in...

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    PROCTOR
    Tmesis.
    CHAITANYA
    Tmesis. Definition?
    PROCTOR
    "In grammar and rhetoric, the separation of the parts of a compound word, now generally done for humorous effect; for example,'abso-bloody-lutely.'"
    CHAITANYA
    Is the origin from the Greek "a cutting?"
    PROCTOR
    Yes.
    CHAITANYA
    Tmesis. T...
    Chaitanya pauses. Guy leans forward even more.
    CHAITANYA
    ...M-E-S-I-S. Tmesis.
    PROCTOR
    That is correct.
    The audience applauds loudly. Guy skoffs.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    PETE
    That was FAN DASH FREAKING DASH TASTIC!

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Chaitanya returns to his seat. Guy glares at him. A HARELIPPED GIRL, 14, approaches the mic.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    This is Tamara Sweetzer.
    (beat)
    She has such a kind soul. So bright.
    PROCTOR
    Zeitgeist.
    HAIR-LIP
    Zeitbeist?
    PROCTOR
    Zeitgeist.
    HAIR-LIP
    Z-I-T-G-E-I-S-T. Zeitgeist.
    Ting. The audience "AWWWs."

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    PETE
    Ouch. The wheels came off of that wagon. Too rushed. Wayee to rushed.
    CHUCK
    Pete, all the Bee veterans will tell you, "Take your time. Even if you think you know it, ask those questions. Spell it out in your hand."
    PETE
    So right. You want to be the tortoise, not the hare.
    CHUCK
    Wow. That one was the most insensitive of all. I can't believe you went there.
    PETE
    What? "Hare" as in rabbit, not "hare" as in...lip!
    CHUCK
    We should just drop it.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Tamara rushes off the stage in tears.
    GUY
    She spelled it Zitgeist! What a retard!
    Guy is next. As he approaches the mic there are boos and hisses.
    PROCTOR
    QUIET IN THE AUDIENCE PLEASE!
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    And here comes Guy Duncan.
    The booing grows. Guy happily stands before his haters. Guy looks down at Bowman. Bowman looks up at him, with no idea what's going in Guy's head. This is the first time Guy has ever stood before his father. We see a slight change in Guy's face- almost a tinge of emotion.
    PETE (O.C.)
    Holy smokes! I don't think there's ever been booing at the Bee before, Chuck.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    Well, there've been a lot of Bee firsts this year.
    PROCTOR
    WITH DUE RESPECT THIS COMPETITION
    WILL NOT PROCEED UNTIL THERE IS
    QUIET IN THE AUDIENCE.
    The crowd quiets down.
    PROCTOR
    Thank you. Condign.
    GUY
    Can I have the definition, please?
    PROCTOR
    "Wel-
    GUY
    Just kidding C-O-N-D-I-G-N.
    Guy mimes jerking off and blows raspberries in the mic, then returns to his seat. An explosion of boos erupt.
    PROCTOR
    That is corr-
    (over the boos)
    THAT IS CORRECT!
    Guy turns to the BOY WITH A UNIBROW sitting to his right.
    GUY
    They're fucking animals. Your parents are fucking animals.
    Unibrow gets up. It's his turn.
    PROCTOR
    Slubberdegullion.
    UNIBROW
    Slubberdegullion.
    PROCTOR
    Slubberdegullion.
    UNIBROW
    Slubberdegullion. Can I have the definition, please?
    PROCTOR
    Yes. "A dirty, wretched slob."
    The Raging Mother from before stands up in the audience and points at Guy.
    RAGING MOTHER
    YOU MEAN LIKE THAT MAN!
    The audience laughs and cat calls Guy.
    PROCTOR
    Ma'am. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
    RAGING MOTHER
    Not until he does!
    The Proctor nods and two security guards approach the Raging Mother. She goes limp and they have to drag her away. As she gets dragged out she starts chanting:
    RAGING MOTHER
    Take him out! Take him out!
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    Well, we promised fireworks, ladies and gentleman!
    PETE (O.C.)
    Is this a Spelling Bee or the G8 Summit?!
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    Zing! Zow! Petey's back!
    Soon, everyone in the audience is chanting "TAKE HIM OUT!" Guy seems unaffected by all this. Guy leans in toward the rest of the contestants.
    GUY
    Get ready, mongoloids. This only makes me stronger...
    We hold on the contestants up on the stage as Guy stands before the mic. Through quick cuts we see the number of contestants dwindle down, until finally there are only three. ERIC TAI, CHAITANYA, and GUY.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, BROADCAST BOOTH
    CHUCK
    And then there were three. Eric Tai, Chaitanya Chopra and Guy Duncan. They will fight to the finish, when we come back!

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    PROCTOR
    You may stand and stretch your legs during this commercial break.
    Guy looks at Eric Tai who has met his parents at the foot of the stage. His equally awkward father approaches to give him encouragement. Then Guy looks at Chaitanya who is now huddled with his parents. Guy watches as Chaitanya's mother rubs his back, his father gives him quiet words of inspiration. Guy looks across the auditorium to Jenny. She turns her back to him and interviews one of the angry parents. Guy sits completely alone up on the stage. He looks at Bowman, talking to the Proctor, then he turns back to Chaitanya with his parents again. Then back to Bowman. Guys blinks wearily. A change is happening inside of him.
    PROCTOR
    Okay everyone, ten seconds. The three finalists must now sit together.

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE - MOMENTS LATER
    Eric, Chaitanya and Guy all sit side by side. Eric Tai goes up to the mic. Guy glances at Chaitanya, thinking hard.
    PETE (O.C.)
    And here we go, what might be the final leg of the competition.
    PROCTOR
    Kopophobia.
    ERIC
    Kopophobia. Can I have the definition?
    PROCTOR
    "Fear of exhaustion. Otherwise known as "Lexicographer's Curse."
    ERIC
    Is it derived from the Greek "Kopos" meaning "fatigue?"
    PROCTOR
    Yes.
    ERIC
    K-O-P-O-P-O-B-I-A.
    (beat)
    NO!
    Ting! The crowd erupts with upset! Eric sadly leaves the stage.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    OH THAT'S GOTTA HURT! Eric knew he left out the H. This has been a long day and it's clearly taken it's toll on Eric.
    PETE (O.C.)
    How ironic that fatigue made him misspell a word about fatigue.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    That one will haunt him for life. And he's just a kid, so that's a long time to be haunted by something. Long time. And now, Guy Duncan.
    Guy steps up to the mic, amidst boos.
    PROCTOR
    PARISOLOGY.
    GUY
    P...
    Guy stops. He turns to Chaitanya. Then back to the mic.
    GUY
    P-A...
    Guy takes a disgusted sigh. He's decided what he must do.
    GUY
    P-A-R-I-S-A-L-O-G-Y.
    Ting! The audience goes crazy with glee. Chaitanya looks at Guy with shock. Bowman applauds.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    Well what do you know! For the first time this whole tournament, Guy Duncan has spelled a word incorrectly!
    PETE (O.C.)
    But, the rules of the final round dictate that because he's one of the final two remaining contestants, Guy remains on stage.
    Guy sits back down. Looks at Chaitanya, who stares at Guy with amazement, all pretense of anger has washed away.
    GUY
    I know how bad you want this. I get it. So take it. Fuck off.
    Chaitanya slowly gets to the mic. The audience wildly cheers. CUT TO:

INT. HOUSEHOLD - SAME TIME
    The entire family screams for Chaitanya.

INT. SPORTS BAR - SAME TIME
    The bar goers all tense up while they watch Chaitanya at the mic. CUT TO:
    PETE (O.C.)
    All Chaitanya needs to do now is spell his next word correctly and he's the new champ.
    PROCTOR
    Infinitesimally.
    CHAITANYA
    Infinitesimally. Can I have the definition?
    PROCTOR
    Yes. "Exceedingly small."
    Chaitanya looks back at Guy. He knows this word. But we see on his face that he's feeling guilty.
    CHAITANYA
    Infinitesimally. E-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-S- I-M-A-L-L-Y.
    Ting! The crowd erupts with displeasure.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    Oh my. Well, a spelling bee can't be won on an incorrect word, so 'round we go again.
    Chaitanya sits down next to Guy.
    GUY
    Fuck you, Chaiwala.
    CHAITANYA
    If you think everything I said was a lie, then I'll prove it to you. It's not about winning to me...anymore.
    Guy goes to the mic.
    PROCTOR
    Rugose.
    GUY
    R-U-G-O-S.
    Ting! Guy sits back down. CUT TO:

INT. TENT, SOMEWHERE IN AFGHANISTAN - SAME TIME
    The troops all cheer for Guy's misspelling. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    CHAITANYA
    You know these words.
    Chaitanya gets up to immense applause.
    PROCTOR
    Pejorative.
    CHAITANYA
    P-E-J-O-R-A-T-E-V-E. Pejorative.
    Ting!
    PETE (O.C.)
    It's almost as if they're misspelling on purpose! I don't think this has ever happened!
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    Chaitanya's not even taking his time. Something is up.
    Chaitanya sits back down.
    GUY
    Just spell the fucking words. All you have to do is spell.
    CHAITANYA
    Same with you.
    GUY
    Eat shit, Chaiwala!
    Chaitanya stands.
    CHAITANYA
    FUCK YOU!
    Guys stands.
    GUY
    FUCK YOU!
    Chaitanya kicks Guy in the BALLS! Guy instantly buckles form the pain, falling to his knees.
    AUDIENCE (O.S.)
    Oh!
    CHAITANYA
    Oh God.
    Without raising his head Guy SUPERPUNCHES Chaitanya in the BALLS with his FIST!
    AUDIENCE (O.S.)
    OH!
    Chaitanya goes down. Overwhelmed with pain, they both roll on the stage floor for a beat.
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    OH MY GRAVY THIS HAS TURNED UGLY!
    PETE (O.S.)
    INDEED IT HAS, CHUCK!
    Chaitanya leaps on top of Guy, raining wild haymakers down on him. Everyone watches in horror as they plow through empty fold-up chairs and off the stage to the floor.
    GUY
    JUST TAKE IT!
    CHAITANYA
    YOU TAKE IT, JERK!
    Bowman is joined by the Judges as he clambers into the scrum to pull Chaitanya and Guy apart. The audience screams in a frenzy.
    BOWMAN
    Knock it off! Both of you!
    Chaitanya takes a final swing at Guy and mistakenly connects WITH BOWMAN'S NOSE! Blood erupts from his face and down his dapper suit.
    AUDIENCE (O.S.)
    OH!
    CHAITANYA
    Oh shit! Sorry!
    Judges force Guy and Chaitanya back in their seats, leaving them sitting next to each other, heaving from the brawl. Using his handkerchief to stop the blood, Bowman huddles with the judges.
    PETE (O.C.)
    I just, really don't know what to say, Chuck.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    Well, right now, I'm sure President Bowman is looking to disqualify one or both of our finalists, Pete. Let's look at the replay of the inciting incident.
    A SLOW-MO of Chaitanya winding up and kicking Guy in the balls replays over and over.
    CHUCK (O.C.)
    As you can see, Chaitanya really connected to Guy's scrotal theater of pain.
    PETE (O.C.)
    My theater hurts just watching the replay.
    Bowman departs from the Judge's table and sits back down.
    PROCTOR
    Gentleman, it has been decided that neither one of you will be disqualified as you both-
    The audience's boos become uproarious.
    PROCTOR
    (shouting over boos)
    -AS YOU BOTH APPEAR TO HAVE EQUALLY
    CONDUCTED YOURSELVES IN SHAMEFUL
    MANNER! NOW LET'S FINISH THE
    COMPETITION, PLEASE! THE AUDIENCE
    NEEDS TO BE SILENT!
    The audience quiets down.
    PROCTOR
    Now, can we please proceed?
    Guy gets up with a huff. Walks to the mic.
    PROCTOR
    Unguent.
    GUY
    A-N-G-U-E-N-T.
    Ting! Guy sits back down with a "fuck you" face to Chaitanya. Chaitanya gets to the mic.
    PROCTOR
    Please consider carefully...for the love of God...the word...Bucentaur.
    CHAITANYA
    B...
    Chaitanya looks at Guy. The entire audience holds their breath. CUT TO:

INT. BEST BUY - SAME TIME
    Shopper stand frozen in front of the flatscreens.

INT. HOUSEHOLD - SAME TIME
    The wife squeezes the husbands hand in hopeful anticipation.

INT. TENT, SOMEWHERE IN AFGHANISTAN
    The troops all lean in close to the small TV. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    CHAITANYA
    B-U-C-I-N-T-A-U-R.
    Ting! The crowd erupts with disappointment. CUT TO:

INT. BEST BUY - SAME TIME
    The shoppers all scream "NOOOOOO!"

INT. HOUSEHOLD
    The wife beats her husband with a decorative pillow.

INT. TENT, SOMEWHERE IN AFGHANISTAN
    The troops all stomp and kick with frustration. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Guy sighs. Gets back up to the mic.
    PROCTOR
    Sisyphean.
    GUY
    C-I-S-S-Y.
    Guy sits back down.
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    That's not even complete! He just spelled Cissy!
    Chaitanya gets back up to the mic. The audience cheers for him once again.
    PROCTOR
    Please. For the love of mercy, carefully, very carefully consider the word Callithump.
    CHAITANYA
    C-A-L-
    Guy's had enough, he gets up and walks over to Chaitanya.
    GUY
    It's C-A-L-I-T-H-U-M-P.
    CHAITANYA
    No, you forgot an L.
    Guy stands back, knowing what's next.
    CHUCK (O.S.)
    Ruh-Roh.
    Bowman storms onto the stage- his eyes already starting to "raccoon" from the broken nose.
    BOWMAN
    Stop! Stop. I'm sorry. Sir, you were trying to help a fellow competitor cheat, that is against the rules, you are disqualified.
    GUY
    (rote)
    But it doesn't matter, I spelled it wrong, anyway. He corrected me.
    The audience boos.
    BOWMAN
    Which means that even though you tried to help him cheat, he wasn't cheating and he still technically spelled the word correctly on his own, WHICH MAKES HIM THE NEW CHAMPION!
    The audience explodes with cheers. CUT TO:

INT. HOUSEHOLD - SAME TIME
    The wife french kisses her husband while the dog watches.

INT. BEST BUY - SAME TIME
    Employees and shoppers cheer and hug each other.

INT. SPORTS BAR - SAME TIME
    Bar goers cheer and order rounds of shots

INT. TENT, SOMEWHERE IN AFGHANISTAN - SAME TIME
    Soldiers cheers and hug and run out to fire their machine guns. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL AUDITORIUM, STAGE
    Chaitanya's parents run up on stage to hug and kiss him amongst the growing crowd as balloons shower down in the auditorium. A giant check and trophy table are whisked in from the wings as Guy quietly moves toward the exit. Chaitanya cranes his head to look for Guy.
    GUY!
    GUY!
    Guy smiles, shrugs and flips him the bird. Chuck and Pete appear next to Chaitanya.
    CHUCK
    Well, it was a battle royal for the ages. And now it is over. Many have gone home defeated. And one grabbed the brass ring.
    CHAITANYA
    Hi, Chuck.
    PETE
    And now the trophy ceremony. President Bowman?
    BOWMAN
    Chaitanya Chopra, it is my great honor to bestow upon you the first place trophy for this year's Scribbs National Spelling Bee, as well as a check for five hundred thousand dollars and a life-time supply of encyclopedias.
    Everyone applauds. Bowman hands Chaitanya the giant check and trophy. Chaitanya, holds the spelling bee trophy up in the air.
    PETE
    Chaitanya, how do you feel now that you're champion?
    CHAITANYA
    I don't consider myself the champion. I consider myself a co- champion with Guy. I thought it was unfair to disqualify Guy. GUY! GUY! COME BACK! WHERE ARE YOU?!
    Suddenly a spotlight finds Guy just as he's about to leave the auditorium. Guy turns around.
    CHAITANYA
    Come back! Get up here!
    Guy watches as Chaitanya pleads on stage. He heads back. Some people in the audience boo, but nobody cares. Guy tentatively gets back on stage.
    CHAITANYA
    Guy is my friend. And I've decided to split the prize money with him.
    GUY
    (touched)
    Really?
    CHAITANYA
    That's what real friends do.
    Chaitanya holds out his hand. Guy goes in for a shake.
    CHUCK
    That's pretty incredible. Among many many other things this year, I think we've all witnessed what true sportsmanship is here at the Bee. Sort of.
    CUT TO:

INT. STATE PLAZA HOTEL, LOBBY - LATER
    Guy exits the auditorium and spots Jenny at the check-out counter.
    GUY
    Jenny.
    JENNY
    What.
    GUY
    Come with me.
    Guy leads Jenny to where Bowman stands, chatting to a cluster of people.
    GUY
    Bowman. I need to talk to you.
    Bowman nods to the people and they depart. He uncomfortably looks at Guy.
    BOWMAN
    What can I uh...do for you?
    GUY
    My mom, in her day, used to work in a diner in Kansas City. And every so often this business man would come through town, apparently. He started off as an encyclopedia salesman and finished by leaving her with a baby. That baby was me. I'm your son and I just want to say, FUCK YOU and this is a reporter friend of mine who is going to write an entire article about it whether you like it or not!
    Mr. Bowman's face goes slack. Jenny is incredibly touched by Guy's gesture. Guy tensely waits to see what Bowman says next, preparing for the worst.
    BOWMAN
    Oh my. You...you have her eyes.
    GUY
    I'M NOT FUCKING LYING- what?
    BOWMAN
    I've only had one regret in life, and that was walking away from you and Bernice. I thought I had my reasons, but none of them really feel like good reasons, now. How is Berni-
    GUY
    Dead.
    BOWMAN
    Oh. I'm sorry.
    GUY
    Yeah well...it's no skin off your back.
    Guy turns to leave.
    BOWMAN
    Wait!
    Guy stops.
    BOWMAN
    Look. I was supposed to be on a plane out of here today, but let me reschedule.
    BOWMAN
    Meet me at the bar in an hour. We'll talk. I want to talk.
    Bowman sincerely hopes Guy says yes.
    GUY
    Okay.
    BOWMAN
    Okay. Good. One hour.
    Bowman puts his hand on Guy's shoulder and smiles reassuringly, then walks off.
    JENNY
    Wow.
    GUY
    You can say that again.
    JENNY
    Thanks for the scoop.
    GUY
    Jenny, I fuckin' like you.
    Jenny smiles.
    JENNY
    Good.
    GUY
    And it looks like I have an hour before I meet back up with...Dad.
    A sly grin spreads on Jenny's face. She knows what he's thinking. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
    Guy and Jenny hump passionately. Guy's face is turned away.
    JENNY
    Okay...NOW!
    Guy turns and locks eyes with Jenny. They both smile.
    JENNY
    Holy shit that was easier than I thought...aahhhh YES! YES! YES! THIS IS SO HOT!
    CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
    The marquee outside reads "CONGRATULATIONS TO CHAITANYA CHOPRA- NATIONAL SPELLING BEE CHAMP!" We pan down as school lets out. Chaitanya walks along with his full backpack and armful of books. Three kids on bikes approach.
    KID 1
    HEY SPELLING NERD, CAN YOU SPELL
    DOUCHEBAG?!
    CHAITANYA
    Of course. But not for you. The other kid SLAPS THE BOOKS OUT OF CHAITANYA'S ARMS, sending them everywhere. The three kids laugh and ride off. Nobody tries to help Chaitanya.
    GUY (O.S.)
    Hey, Slum Dog.
    Chaitanya looks up to see a POLICE CAR pulled to the curb with Guy smiling behind the wheel. Chaitanya leaves his mess and walks over.
    CHAITANYA
    Wow!
    GUY
    Right?
    CHAITANYA
    Where'd you get this?
    GUY
    It's an old movie police car. I got it at an auction with my half of the winnings. Worth every penny.
    CHAITANYA
    Now you don't need the toy you have the real thing!
    GUY
    But only because of my good friend. So, you want to give it a whirl?
    CHAITANYA
    Who? Me?
    GUY
    Damn fucking straight. I just thought you might want to show it off to some of your...classmates.
    CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - LATER
    The three bully kids casually ride their bikes down the middle of the sleepy street... SIRENS GO OFF BEHIND THEM. They spin around to see CHAITANYA BEHIND THE WHEEL.
    KID 1
    OH SHIT!
    Chaitanya punches it as the three kids ride their bikes as fast as their feet can peddle. AERIAL POV: A high speed chase! As the police car tears after the three screaming kids on their bikes...through the streets, over lawns, through parking lots. And all the while we hear Chaitanya and Guy laughing together. Like friends do.
    THE END

Summary: Forty-year-old misanthrope Guy Trilby discovers a loophole in the Golden Quill Spelling Bee which stipulates that participants must have not graduated from the eighth grade, allowing him to enter since he dropped out of middle school. He attends and wins a regional spelling bee, and progresses to the national competition after confrontations with both the parents of children and the spelling bee hosts. He is accompanied by Jenny Widgeon, a relatively unknown journalist hoping to make a story out of his participation in the bee. On the flight to the national spelling bee, Guy meets Chaitanya Chopra, a 10-year-old entrant in the bee who persistently attempts to befriend Guy. Upon his arrival in Los Angeles, Guy meets the director of the spelling bee, Dr. Bernice Deagan, who expresses anger at his participation in the bee and arranges for him to stay in a storage closet rather than a regular room. Guy learns that Chaitanya is staying in the same hotel, and takes him out one night to expose Chaitanya to the wilder side of life: stealing food, drinking, and hiring a prostitute to briefly "flash" Chaitanya. In the bee, Guy actively tries to distract and disconcert his fellow competitors, at one point insinuating that he was sleeping with another contestant's mother and another where he tricks a contestant into thinking that she had gotten her period by placing ketchup (that he had gotten the night before when hanging out with Chaitanya) on her chair. Despite Dr. Deagan's tampering with the word list to give Guy the most difficult words, he spells long, complicated words with relative ease, impressing and angering both parents and staff at the spelling bee, including the event's founder, Dr. William Bowman. However, the parents petition for his disqualification and the resignation of Deagan. While researching Guy's background, Jenny discovers that Bowman is Guy's father. She reveals this to him and he admits that his prime motivation for entering the bee was to embarrass his father in revenge for abandoning him and his mother when he was a child. Soon before the final stage of the bee, Guy overhears Chaitanya and his father discussing his strategy to win, which is to befriend Guy so that he will allow Chaitanya to win out of guilt. Guy storms into the room and ends his friendship with Chaitanya, despite Chaitanya's pleas that he genuinely wanted to be friends. They later sabotage each other: Guy burns Chaitanya's study book, "Todd," and Chaitanya files a false police report, accusing Guy of kidnapping a young girl. Meanwhile, only ten competitors remain in the bee, and the pool is gradually reduced to just Guy and Chaitanya. When a contestant's mother attacks Guy verbally and is subdued by the police on live television, Bowman is forced to intervene, to his embarrassment. Having accomplished his goal, Guy deliberately misspells a word in an effort to let Chaitanya win. To prove his friendship, Chaitanya also misspells his word, and they soon begin to argue. This escalates into a physical fight, with Chaitanya first kicking Guy in his groin, much to the shock of the audience and when Bowman attempts to intervene, Chaitanya accidentally hits him with a chair. Although the bee is briefly halted, Bowman allows it to continue after deciding that both Guy and Chaitanya acted in an equally embarrassing manner. Their standoff of deliberately misspelling words continues until Guy intentionally misspells Chaitanya's word so that Chaitanya corrects him, thus causing Chaitanya to win the bee inadvertently. As Guy leaves, content, Chaitanya offers to give him half the winnings and names him co-winner of the bee. Guy writes a note to Bowman explaining his actions, which Bowman refuses to read until Guy reveals himself to be his son, and returns home. He resolves his conflict with Chaitanya by buying an old police car from an auction with his share of the winnings, and helping Chaitanya to chase down his school bullies.