BROS
    Written by
    Billy Eichner & Nicholas Stoller © 2022 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

INT. BOBBY'S PODCASTING STUDIO - DAY
    BOBBY LEIBER records his podcast. He's surrounded by photos with celebrities and media personalities, plus copies of his book GAY LINCOLN and LGBTQ history books he's written. He livestreams to Instagram so Bobby talks straight TO CAMERA.
    BOBBY
    Hi everyone and welcome to Bobbyland, the podcast where I, your host Bobby Leiber, take you on a journey through LGBTQ history and, much more importantly, my own problems and whatever I feel like talking about. As always, Bobbyland is brought to you by Bagel Drone. And this is a big day because as of today Bobbyland is available exclusively on PODIFY and today wew are celebrating one million subscribers! First caller!
    FIRST CALLER
    Hi Bobby! Any plans for more children's books?
    BOBBY
    Not at the moment. As some of you know, I wrote a children's book to help parents teach kids about gay history, which no one bought. Turns out four year olds don't want to hear a bedtime story about Martina Navratilova.
    SECOND CALLER
    Bobby! Will we see you on TV again soon? Love when you're on MSNBC!
    BOBBY
    Yes! I'll be all over promoting my latest book, GAY LINCOLN, so tune in - and don't worry I won't just be talking about gay stuff, I'll be covering a wide variety of topics.
    SMASH CUT: Bobby shouting on various cable news shows. MSNBC:
    BOBBY
    CNN:
    BOBBY
    LEONARDO DiVINCI WAS GAY!
    POD SAVE AMERICA: JAMES DEAN WAS GAY! A5 TODAY SHOW WITH HODA KOTB A5
    BOBBY
    INSPECTOR GADGET WAS GAY! Inspector Gadget was a toxic, cis white gay man. And, quite frankly, yet another example of how for decades Hollywood has glamorized law enforcement!
    BACK TO THE PODCAST...
    THIRD CALLER
    Bobby, I love you but I was wondering if you had any thoughts about the negative reaction to your docuseries? It's currently rotten on Rotten Tomatoes.
    BOBBY
    Can I be honest? I don't give a shit about Rotten Tomatoes. I'll have the folks at Rotten Tomatoes know that that Bobbyland will soon be the first podcast to ever be released on vinyl! And I finally got the footage from my Queer Eye audition! Check it out exclusively on the Bobbyland app!
    SMASH CUT: BOBBY'S QUEER EYE AUDITION. A large bearded Southern straight guy stifles tears as he looks in a mirror. The Queer Eye guys are all crying. Bobby does not cry.
    BOBBY
    I'm sorry but I'm not sad. This is just not sad. You gave him a haircut and a pair of pants.
    The Queer Eye guys shoot Bobby a dirty look. Bobby scrunches his face and tries to cry, to no avail. He shrugs. BACK TO THE PODCAST...
    FINAL CALLER
    Hi Bobby, this is Sarah. Whatever happened with that movie you wrote?
    BOBBY
    Oh right. The movie.
    CUT TO: Bobby pitching to THREE STRAIGHT EXECS - TWO MALE, ONE FEMALE - WHO ARE NODDING ALONG, BUT CLEARLY GETTING MORE AND MORE FREAKED OUT. BACK TO THE PODCAST
    BOBBY
    These big movie producers came to me and said "we want you to write a rom com about a gay couple. But something for everyone, something a straight guy might even like and watch with his girlfriend!" And I said "Something a straight guy might like?" Like what exactly? Am I gonna be in the middle of some high speed chase and then all of a sudden fall in love with Ice Cube? Am I gonna get buttfucked by the Rock while we're both, I don't know, dealing with a volcano?" And they said "We just want a movie that shows the world straight and gay relationships are the same. Love is love is love." And I said "Love is love is love? No it's not! That's bullshit! And I left.
    FINAL CALLER
    Why did you do that?
    BOBBY
    Because I don't trust them. You can't trust these people. Honestly it's for the best. I'm not the right person to write a rom com anyway.
    BOBBY
    In exciting news, I remain very horny and I'm being honored as the Cis White Gay Man of the Year at the LGBTQ Pride Awards tonight!

INT. - THE LGBTQ PRIDE AWARDS - STAGE
    An NFL player is on stage accepting his award. It says OUT \* LGBTQ Athlete of the Year on the screen behind him. \*
    NFL PLAYER \*
    Being in the NFL I never thought I \* could come out. For years I had to \* suffer as a hot, ripped gay person \* living my life in private. But this \* last year has really shown me how \* amazing life can be when you are \* finally, publicly hot. \*
    The audience applauds. \*
    ANNOUNCER (V.O.) \*
    And now please welcome Emmy and \* Tony winner Kristin Chenoweth! \*
    Kristin Chenoweth walks onstage. \*
    KRISTIN CHENOWETH \*
    Good evening. What an honor for me \* to be here tonight. On my head \* tonight is a hat depicting the \* Stonewall Riots, where thanks to \* butch lesbians, trans women and \* especially trans women of color, \* the Queer Liberation movement \* began. And now, the award for Cis \* White Gay Man of the Year. Now, \* please welcome the winner of this \* year's Cis White Gay Man of the \* Year Award, LGBTQ author, \* historian, and not just a podcast \* host but a self proclaimed "pod- \* cactivist" Bobby Leiber! \*
    Ancient hieroglyphics of two Egyptian men touching noses appear on a screen behind her. An actual historic image.
    BOBBY
    Meet Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, the Bert and Ernie of Ancient Egypt. Many scholars believe they are the first recorded same-sex couple in history!
    BOBBY
    Here we see them touching noses, which represents kissing, the most intimate physical contact allowed in hieroglyphics. They were even buried in the same tomb! Yet to this day, there are historians who refuse to accept these men were lovers and insist they were brothers instead.
    BOBBY
    They say we don't have enough proof they were in love and they focus on their doubts. Thus began five thousand years of gay love stories erased from history! No history of gay love affairs to teach us about love and how to love each other. No LGBTQ wing in the Natural History Museum or the Smithsonian. No LGBTQ wing in the Smithsonian but they have Archie Bunker's couch? Well, this erasure ends today. I'm thrilled to announce we are opening the first National LGBTQ History Museum!

INT. GOLD'S GYM
    Bobby's on a treadmill next to a hot, ripped guy named JOEL.
    BOBBY (V.O.)
    Because these Egyptian men weren't lovers! No! They were brothers!
    JOEL
    Whatcha listening to?
    Bobby looks at his phone. It's a Barbra Streisand song.
    BOBBY
    The Weeknd.
    Bobby lies. He's clearly not as confident as he puts on.
    BOBBY (V.O.)
    These two men weren't boyfriends! Of course not! They were just BROS!
    PUSH IN ON THE HIEROGLYPHIC of the TWO MEN TOUCHING NOSES.
    TITLES UP: BROS
    Bobby works out in trendy new fitness classes:
    A CROSSFIT CLASS - Bobby's in ok shape but can't keep up with the other buff gay guys there. TREADMILL CLASS - They run on treadmills. A buzzer goes off and you have to run across the room and start chopping wood. 14 DON LEMON FITNESS CLASS - Bobby and DON LEMON wrestle each 14\* other to the ground. OMIT SCENE POGOTON CLASS - Bobby and a bunch of guys all jump around on pogo sticks with touch TV screens attached to them. CODY RIGSBY instructs. WORLD WAR I CARDIO - Bobby and his best friend HENRY are both in this class. Bobby runs down a trench, has to grab someone who's pretending he's been shot, sling him over his shoulder and run across "no man's land." Bobby falls, dropping the guy. He watches as another guy, AARON SHEPARD, a handsome, very built dude passes him and very quickly scales a large rock climbing wall. Bobby rolls his eyes and mutters.
    BOBBY
    Climbing a mountain. What a useful skill in Manhattan.
    Henry is fixated on a very ripped hot shirtless guy with a "perfect" body.

INT. BOBBY'S APT - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
    Bobby scrolls through Grindr. He gets a message from a guy. They text in the fake-jock/bro tone gay guys sometimes use when texting on sex or dating apps to sound more masculine.
    GRINDR GUY
    HEY WHATS UP
    BOBBY
    HEY WHATS UP
    GRINDR GUY
    LOOKING? INTO?
    Bobby types "Bottom" but deletes it and types "I'm versatile."

INT. GRINDR GUY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
    Bobby walks in. The guy takes off his clothes. Bobby takes off his. No one speaks. The guy starts making out with Bobby intensely. He pushes Bobby into bed and starts jerking off. The guy leans over to finish on Bobby. Bobby grimaces. The guy hands him "Frozen"-themed birthday napkins to wipe off.
    BOBBY
    Why do you have Frozen themed napkins with Olaf on them?
    GRINDR GUY
    Oh, they're left over from my niece's birthday party. Sorry.
    Bobby wipes his crotch off with the napkin.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Well, poor Olaf is just covered in cum. Sorry Olaf. I gotta go.
    Bobby rushes to get dressed in silence and walks out. MUSIC CUE: "OUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY" by NAT KING COLE

EXT. STREET
    Bobby awkwardly tries to throw the sticky napkin into a garbage can on the street. He walks around the city. INTERCUT with doing his podcast.

INT. PODCASTING STUDIO
    BOBBY
    For me, the cold and awkward Grindr hookup is often followed by a walk around the city by myself. Even though it was odd and unsatisfying and you didn't even know the person, you're still feeling this kind of post-sex warmth and wistfulness, only there's no one there to share that feeling with, because you leave their apartment immediately because they're always weird and you're a normal person. And maybe I'll text or call one of my friends. And between the weird sex with strangers you don't like and conversations with friends you love that you don't have sex with, you cobble together a version of a romantic, single life. And it's fine. It's a lot more than what a lot of other people have in this world. And you try to remember that.

EXT. THE LGBTQ MUSEUM
    Bobby's on Instagram Live outside a construction site.
    BOBBY
    I'm coming to you today from the future LGBTQ museum! Today the board is deciding which exhibit belongs in the final wing. We have people on the board from all across the LGBTQ community - everyone is really excited and totally getting along!

INT. LGBT MUSEUM BOARDROOM - DAY
    A tense, panicky room. No one's getting along. Everyone is \* snapping at each other. \*
    BOBBY
    Ok people! It's getting late! We \* still need a donor to fund the \* exhibit in the final wing. And no \* one wants to donate until they know \* what the exhibit is. As you all \* know, Pier One Imports was supposed \* to make a big donation but they \* went bankrupt and have been bought \* by the Taliban. So now that the \* Taliban owns Pier One Imports we \* are short 5 million dollars. We've \* already pushed our opening twice \* and we're running out of time. We \* need to figure out which exhibit \* belongs in the final wing. We need \* new ideas and we need them now. \*
    CHERRY, an angry, cranky lesbian academic stands up.
    CHERRY
    We need to be bold! You know that blue whale hanging in the Museum of Natural History?
    She shows a slide of the blue whale.
    CHERRY
    What about that but instead of a blue whale it's a lesbian?
    Cherry shows a slide of the blue whale having been replaced by a huge sculpture of JODIE FOSTER dangling in the air with open arms as if she's welcoming people to the exhibit.
    ROBERT
    I like the idea of a sculpture but why a lesbian and not a bisexual?
    ROBERT
    Can't it be some sort of big, dangling bisexual?
    ANGELA
    What about a transgender woman from an Indigenous nation?
    CHERRY
    Oh goddammit Angela, what about the 400 lesbians who fought in the Civil War?
    BOBBY
    Well, they weren't lesbians necessarily, some were trans men, some were women who dressed as men so they could fight.
    ROBERT
    Stop. This building is a rare chance to legitimize and validate the history of bisexuals.
    BOBBY
    Oh here we go.
    ROBERT
    We say LGBTQ but we always skip over the B. People don't even believe we exist! This is a chance to change that. I want a Hall of Bisexuals. Like Disney's Hall of Presidents. The most important bisexuals throughout history. I want a stage full of animatronic, talking bisexuals. Talking and moving and gesturing bisexuals. Bisexual holograms. Bisexuals soaring above you, everywhere you look, everywhere you turn!
    BOBBY
    We get it, Robert.
    ROBERT
    Please don't interrupt me. Everyone's always attacking me!
    WANDA
    Robert, I want you to know that I hear you and I love you.
    Angela rolls her eyes.
    TAMARA
    Well, I actually kind of like that cause it is so funny. I mean, we're funny, creative people! The museum should reflect that.
    BOBBY
    I mean sure to a certain degree but this isn't the Museum of the Wacky Gay Neighbor. Let's not turn ourselves into a joke. I think we should just expand the AIDS Memorial and end on that. And, again, respectfully Tamara, you're just here to document this for social media so please leave the brainstorming to us.
    TAMARA
    Well my mother is Cuban and I will not be silenced.
    BOBBY
    Your mother is Cuban? My mother is dead! I mean talk about someone who currently has very limited opportunities!
    TAMARA
    Well I have feelings and thoughts and ideas and they are valid and I'll be sharing each and every single one of them.
    ANGELA
    Well this may be controversial but, I don't think the AIDS Memorial needs to be 4 rooms.
    BOBBY
    Excuse me?
    ANGELA
    I'm just saying, I don't want this place to be all pain and heartache. I see it as more of a victory lap!
    BOBBY
    You don't want a proper AIDS Memorial? This city should have an entire AIDS Museum! We have a museum dedicated exclusively to trains!
    ROBERT
    But does it need to be the final exhibit? The message we leave people with?
    ANGELA
    It is a little unseemly to have the AIDS Memorial drop you off in the gift shop.
    CHERRY
    A lesbian wrote America the Beautiful! Where's her exhibit? Katharine Lee Bates, a lesbian in 1893 - she scrawled the lyrics on a napkin! You can go to her house in Virginia - they have the napkin!
    TAMARA
    I've got it. What if the museum ends with a recreation of a queer wedding? A happy ending!
    EVERYONE BUT BOBBY
    Oh I love that!/That's so sweet!/ My parents would love that!
    BOBBY
    And people can get engaged and register for wedding gifts here!
    WANDA
    Oh that's gorgeous!
    BOBBY
    No! I'm joking. That's terrible. It's too conventional and sentimental. We need people to rethink history through a queer prism - show them the history we've been denied for thousands of years - not comfort them with another gay wedding. It's a museum, it's not Schitt's Creek.
    EVERYONE
    Oh I love Schitt's Creek!/I miss that show!/My parents love Schitt's Creek!
    BOBBY
    Ok enough.
    ANGELA
    I just want it to be about love. So much of the museum is about suffering. I think a wedding might make people happy.
    BOBBY
    But a wedding's not everyone's idea of a happy ending! It's old fashioned, heteronormative bullshit! I don't live in Schitt's Creek ok? I live in Manhattan. The exhibit shouldn't be about settling down, it should be about freedom!
    ROBERT
    Well, here's an idea for an exhibit - what about a huge sculpture of two eyes rolling at the thought of my entire existence?!
    Robert storms out.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    Bobby runs in late to dinner to meet his friends: TINA and her husband EDGAR, his married friends PETER and PAUL, their new friend MARTY and married couple TOM and LUCAS.
    BOBBY
    Hi, hi, sorry.
    PAUL
    Is everything ok?
    BOBBY
    Everyone at the Museum hates me, I don't know what to do. I'm going to be the least welcome member of the gay community since Jeffrey Dahmer.
    TINA
    Oh Bobby, you'll love this - last week we went to a bar mitzvah - the theme was RuPaul's Drag Race.
    EDGAR
    The invitation said "At the ceremony he'll become a man and at the party he'll become a woman." We had the best time!
    BOBBY
    Amazing. How are you guys, Lucas?
    LUCAS
    Well, our surrogate just hit three months. And... not only that...
    TOM
    We're having TRIPLETS!!!!!
    EVERYONE
    AHHHH!/Congratulations!/Amazing!!
    BOBBY
    Triplets? Oh my god. Why?
    TOM
    We didn't really have a choice!
    TINA
    Oh my god this is amazing. We'll give you all our baby clothes.
    PETER
    And we're around whenever you need us.
    They all turn to look at Bobby. Then, awkwardly:
    BOBBY
    When they are older... I will get them tickets to things.
    MARTY
    Guys, I'm so sorry, I have to run - night shift at the bar. Great seeing you guys! Congrats boys!
    Marty squeezes Peter and Paul's shoulders oddly and leaves.
    BOBBY
    Wait, didn't you have an announcement too? Did I miss it?
    PETER
    No! We waited for you. Ok. So, I totally know this is a little weird and unexpected but, ok so, the reason we've been hanging around with Marty so much is that we are...kind of... dating him.
    BOBBY
    What do you mean?
    PETER
    I mean, we're dating him. Together. Like, as a couple. We're seeing him. I guess it's kind of like a... thrupple situation.
    BOBBY
    Like, you're having threesomes?
    PAUL
    Well, we met him at a party and we got drunk and yeah we hooked up. But then we started to hang out a lot and we realized it was more than just sex. We just really like each other's company.
    PETER
    I know it sounds crazy but it's weirdly normal. He's very chill.
    BOBBY
    Well it sounds so chill! I mean, just hearing about it, I feel so relaxed. Oh my God - you're Peter, Paul and Marty.
    PAUL
    We knew you'd like that.
    EDGAR
    How long has this been going on?
    PAUL
    Like, six months?
    BOBBY
    SIX MONTHS??? It's been going on six months and you didn't tell me??
    PAUL
    Well, we didn't know how serious it would get.
    BOBBY
    Serious? You didn't know how serious it would get? How serious can it be? I mean, what are you gonna do next? Tell your grandmother?
    SMASH CUT:

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, GEORGIA
    The PHONE RINGS in a country house in Georgia. A CHARMING OLD LADY, PAUL'S GRANDMA, answers the phone.
    PAUL'S GRANDMA
    Hello?
    PAUL
    Hi Grandma!
    PAUL'S GRANDMA
    Oh hi sweetie!
    PAUL
    Gram, Peter and I have some news.
    PAUL'S GRANDMA
    Yes?
    PAUL
    Well, this is something I've dreamed of telling you for a long time but... Peter and I are jointly fucking a third person!!!
    Paul's grandma screams in joy!!
    PAUL'S GRANDMA
    Oh my goodness!!! Oh honey, congratulations! Joe, it's Paul! He and Paul are jointly fucking someone else!
    PAUL'S GRANDPA
    Oh how wonderful! It's a throuple!
    CUT BACK TO THE DINNER:
    PETER
    Look, Paul and I are always the priority. Marty knows he's just a special guest and that nothing is going to change that.
    BOBBY
    A special guest? You're fucking him - it's not Bob Newhart doing 3 episodes of The Big Bang Theory.
    PAUL
    We'll be fine. We trust each other enough to do this.
    BOBBY
    Wow. I don't think I could ever trust anyone that much.
    PAUL
    That's sad.
    BOBBY
    It's sad? That I don't want to be in a thrupple? I don't even want to be in a couple! Just be careful. You're my friends and I love you and it's a slippery slope. We're men. Men dating men. Love is not love. We are selfish and horny and stupid. I am too! Someone called into my show the other day and asked me why I'm still single. You wanna know why? Because I've been gay my whole life and I don't trust these gay motherfuckers.
    PETER
    Well you might want to see a therapist because that's fucked up.
    BOBBY
    Wait, why do I need to see a therapist? Because I don't need to be in a relationship? Oh because you guys think that means I have some deep rooted issues or something - but I don't. I'm fine! I am perfectly fine! Maybe you're the ones with issues. Ohhh - ever think about that?
    PAUL
    Bobby -
    BOBBY
    Maybe you're the ones who are judgmental about me and my life! With your triplets and your thrupples! Well great, maybe now all the thrupples can babysit all the triplets!
    PETER
    Bobby, I didn't mean -
    BOBBY
    You think you're so progressive? Let me tell you something - with your open marriages and your babies and your thrupples - I think maybe the most progressive thing you can be is alone! That's radical!
    BOBBY
    You want me to support your marriages, fine! But then you have to support me - a happily single, not co-dependent, basically celibate person on Twitter!
    TINA
    And are you happy?
    BOBBY
    I am happy. I am a very happy person.
    A teenage girl approaches.
    TEENAGE GIRL
    Mr. Leiber, I'm sorry, I love your podcast, can I get a selfie?
    BOBBY
    Sure!
    Bobby switches on a scary over the top smile for the selfie. He looks insane. The girl snaps her pic and walks away. Bobby's face switches back to a despondent expression.
    BOBBY
    Shit I'm late. I told Henry I'd meet him at this party. I wanted to run home and change first. Fuck.
    TINA
    Aren't you just going to take your shirts off anyway?
    BOBBY
    No! This is not 2003. You have a very cliched view of what gay men do at a party.

INT. DANCE CLUB - NIGHT
    The dance floor at the club is filled with shirtless men. Bobby stands in his turtleneck with his best friend HENRY.
    BOBBY
    So what app is this for again?
    HENRY
    It's a new hookup app my company is launching. We've had Grindr, we've had Tinder, and now we have Zellweger.
    HENRY
    It's for gay guys who want to obsess about actresses and then jerk each other off. Can you believe Grindr has been around for 13 years?
    BOBBY
    Wow. Grindr, the 9/11 of romance. Time flies when you're pretending it's fun.
    HENRY
    Bobby I had sex with a 60 year old.
    BOBBY
    60??
    HENRY
    I didn't know! He didn't have an age on his profile! He was nice - great body. And he had this big grey beard. I felt like Mrs. Claus!
    ANGLE ON THE DANCE FLOOR where everyone stares down at their phones, swiping. In a sea of heads all looking down, Aaron Shepard looks up at Bobby. It's brief but their eyes connect.
    HENRY
    There's that guy Aaron.
    BOBBY
    I don't know who that is.
    HENRY
    He's at the gym sometimes. He's so hot but so boring.
    BOBBY
    Well, what else is new?
    HENRY
    Oh my god - that's the 60 year old!
    They watch the 60 year old with the long grey beard dance.
    BOBBY
    That body. My god. He's ripped.
    HENRY
    I know! It's like if someone injected steroids into Dumbledore.
    Suddenly, Aaron appears next to Bobby. He is SHIRTLESS and in jeans, with a ripped body and a baseball cap. He initiates conversation but he is quiet and seems shy.
    AARON
    Hey. What's up.
    BOBBY
    Hey. What's up.
    HENRY
    Oh hey. Aaron, this is Bobby. Want a drink? I'm getting a ShitRocket.
    BOBBY
    A Shitrocket? What's that?
    HENRY
    It's like a Redbull but stronger.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Terrible name.
    HENRY
    Yeah. They're sponsoring the party.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Shitrocket and vodka I guess.
    Henry dances off. Aaron stands there hiding under a baseball cap, nodding subtly to the beat.
    AARON
    Not a club guy?
    BOBBY
    No, I like clubs.
    Beat. They stare out at guys dancing on the dance floor.
    AARON
    You look angry.
    BOBBY
    I do? I'm not. That's just how I look. People always tell me I look angry but I'm not. I'm not angry.
    AARON
    I think I saw you fall down at World War I cardio.
    BOBBY
    Ah. Yes. Thanks for reminding me. It's a beautiful legacy. We're all just very proud.
    Beat.
    BOBBY
    I hear you're extremely boring.
    AARON
    What? Who said that? I'm not boring.
    BOBBY
    I don't know. A lot of people.
    AARON
    Oh. That sucks.
    BOBBY
    No, I'm just kidding. Sorry I'm really bad at flirting. And I'm also the type of person who tells you I'm flirting, which is so sexy.
    AARON
    Oh, that's ok. Why are you flirting?
    BOBBY
    Why am I flirting? Um... I don't know. I do not know.
    AARON
    Well I'm not that boring. I'm just shy sometimes.
    BOBBY
    Ohhh yeah, you look really shy.
    AARON
    Why do you assume you know about me?
    BOBBY
    You came up to me and said I look angry! Look it's fine. If you're a basic bitch, be a basic bitch. You're certainly not alone here and if I looked like you, I'd probably be a basic bitch too.
    AARON
    You're really bad at flirting.
    BOBBY
    I'm not flirting anymore.
    AARON
    I think you are.
    BOBBY
    Oh God. Anyway...what do you do?
    AARON
    Like, for work? I'm an estate planner. I write people's wills.
    BOBBY
    Oh, interesting. Do you like that?
    AARON
    Yeah, sure. When I was a kid, whenever I would meet someone the first thing I would think is who's this person gonna leave their shit to when they die. I really wanted to be part of the legal logistics of that.
    Bobby laughs.
    BOBBY
    Actually the head of The LGBTQ \* Senior Center called me and was \* looking for someone with your skills to do some pro bono work for them.
    AARON
    What's that? \*
    BOBBY
    It's the community center for LGBTQ senior citizens. We've never had as many openly gay seniors as we do right now. And there are some very specific issues that pop up around LGBTQ death!
    AARON
    Sounds really fun.
    Bobby points to someone on the dance floor.
    BOBBY
    Wow, that man will just not stop vogue-ing. He's been vogue-ing since we got here. Several hours now.
    They both laugh. Aaron notices a ripped go-go boy dressed as a baseball player dancing on top of a small stage.
    AARON
    That guy's hot.
    BOBBY
    He is.
    AARON
    I'm supposed to fuck him and his boyfriend later.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Cool. That must be hard for such a shy person. My god look at your abs. You're like a tortoise.
    AARON
    I'm like a tortoise?
    BOBBY
    Yeah. And that's your pretty, protective shell that everyone likes and that you can hide in when you're feeling scared and shy.
    AARON
    Harsh.
    BOBBY
    Are you on steroids?
    AARON
    Ha. No.
    Bobby looks at Aaron's body. He can't help but be attracted to him. Similarly, even though Bobby is a bit of a dick, Aaron is amused and drawn to his directness.
    AARON
    You having fun?
    BOBBY
    I mean, I guess. I'm 42. If I was straight I'd be home right now, getting fat on my couch, dealing with kids or, I don't know, doing whatever straight white people do. I think they sit at home watching things with Jason Bateman.
    Aaron laughs. Bobby laughs too. They clink Shitrockets.
    AARON
    I listen to your podcast.
    BOBBY
    Ohhhh. So is that why you're talking to me? Cause I'm famous?
    AARON
    You're not really that famous.
    Aaron winks at him. Bobby is offended. He looks at the dance floor. And when he turns back around, Aaron's gone.
    BOBBY
    Where did he go? (he looks around, doesn't see Aaron). Oh my god.
    Henry returns.
    HENRY
    Where'd he go?
    BOBBY
    I don't know! I hate these people. (Bobby starts singing) "I hate these people! I hate everyone here! I mean I love them as a community! But I hate them individually!"
    JUMP CUT TO LATER: Bobby's at the bar. Aaron appears.
    BOBBY
    Hey. Where'd you go?
    AARON
    I don't know. Nowhere.
    BOBBY
    Who you here with?
    AARON
    My usual crew.
    Aaron points out a group of bro-y buff dudes, most shirtless.
    BOBBY
    Oh all your boring friends!
    AARON
    You're an asshole. They all do really well actually.
    AARON
    The one doing poppers is the global head of marketing for Ralph Lauren.
    BOBBY
    Oh! Well if anyone deserves to blow off some steam!
    They watch a guy in a leather harness dancing with a fan.
    AARON
    Gay guys are so stupid.
    BOBBY
    Oh my God, I know! I. know! Gay guys are usually the absolute smartest or, like, the dumbest people I've ever met. But we've been smart enough to brand ourselves as being smart and clever.
    AARON
    Yup. I've hooked up with guys and then after I'll make a joke or say something sarcastic and the guy does not understand that I am making a joke. Literally does. not. understand. satire.
    BOBBY
    I love you. I've never been in love with anyone in my life but you're the first one.
    AARON
    Can I be honest? I think we're moving too slowly!
    Bobby tries to kiss Aaron. Aaron turns to avoid it. Suddenly the lights strobe. Aaron is gone.

INT. DANCE FLOOR
    HENRY
    What were you and Aaron talking about for so long?
    BOBBY
    Oh just about how a lot of gay guys are secretly really stupid!
    HENRY
    Oh! How fabulous!
    HARNESS GUY WITH A FAN
    WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
    Bobby's face gets hit repeatedly by the harness guy's fan. Bobby Hey! Can you watch it with your enormous fan? (to Henry) He keeps ghosting me. We're having a good time and then he disappears. Suddenly Aaron passes by. Bobby makes a move towards him.
    HENRY
    Bobby, let it go. He's a dick.
    BOBBY
    No! I will not let it go! I do not let things go.
    The harness guy dances up to Bobby again.
    HARNESS GUY WITH FAN
    (to Bobby)
    Why aren't you dancing???
    BOBBY
    Would you leave me alone? I'm dancing ok? What do you want me to do, the fucking Nutcracker Suite?
    Bobby bounds towards Aaron, who's with the baseball player guy.
    AARON
    Hey. What's up?
    BOBBY
    What's up? I tried to kiss you and you wouldn't kiss me back. Is what's up.
    AARON
    I'm sorry. I told you I'm shy.
    BOBBY
    Oh please. You're not shy. What are you into? Some boring, ripped dude with no opinions?
    AARON
    No I like someone who's physically very frail and won't stop talking.
    Bobby goes for the kiss. After a slight hesitation, Aaron leans into it and kisses him back. It's an intense kiss.
    BOBBY
    Come home with me.
    AARON
    I can't.
    BOBBY
    Why? Cause you have fuck the fake baseball player and his husband?
    AARON
    I don't know what to tell you.
    Bobby's fed up and turns to leave. Aaron calls after him.
    AARON
    Hey! Take my number.
    BOBBY
    Absolutely not.
    AARON
    Why?
    BOBBY
    Why? Because I'm one of the smart ones, asshole. What a shock - you're an emotionally unavailable gay man. Join the club. No one's more emotionally unavailable than me! No one! I pride myself on that. Here's my number if you wanna hang. Or not. As Humphrey Bogart said to Ingrid Bergman at the end of Casablanca, "sext me when you're drunk!"
    Bobby turns to leave and is caught in a group of intense vogue dancers who refuse to stop vogue-ing in his face.
    BOBBY
    Oh god, they cannot stop vogue-ing! They cannot stop vogue-ing! Excuse me, I'm sorry, I know you're vogue- ing but can I please go home?!
    Bobby busts through the dancers and runs out of the club.

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
    Bobby swipes through Grindr and texts with a new guy. You've Got Mail plays on basic cable in the background. WHATS UP? NOT MUCH. U? Bobby gets bored of the same texting routine. US TEXTING EACH OTHER ANONYMOUSLY. IT'S JUST LIKE YOU'VE GOT MAIL! HAHA. LOL. DICK PIC? LOL. SORRY, NO. THINK ABOUT YOU'VE GOT MAIL - MEG RYAN WOULD NEVER SEND U A PICTURE OF HER GENITALIA. HAHA. LOLOL. CAN I SEE UR ASS? DON'T HAVE ASS PIC, SORRY. NEED TO SEE ASS PIC THO! DON'T HAVE ASS PIC!!! NOT GONNA MEET UNLESS U SEND ASS PIC! MUST SEE PIC OF ASS!

INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    In a panic, Bobby takes a series of ass photos in the mirror. He looks at the pics. His ass looks blown out and flat.
    BOBBY
    It's too fucking flat!
    He stretches his arm as far as possible while bending over to find a better angle. He falls over while taking it. Bobby then furiously shaves his butt with an electric razor. He cuts his ass cheek - now he's bleeding. MY FUCKING ASS IS BLEEDING? NO! HOW AM I GONNA SHIT NOW? NO FUCKING or SHITTING?! I CAN'T FUCK! I CAN'T SHIT! I'M NOT A PERSON! GODDAMMIT! Bobby frantically shaves a hairy shoulder. He only shaves one shoulder to save time. He poses seductively and takes a pic. INT - BOBBY'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MOMENTS LATER TOOK THIS JUST FOR YOU, BRO. Beat. Bobby has been blocked. HE BLOCKED ME??? Bobby sinks into the couch, totally defeated. There's a "Christmas in June" Hallheart holiday movie marathon on TV.
    HALLHEART ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
    Hallheart proudly presents our first bisexual holiday film, the award winning "Christmas With Either," part of our holiday movie marathon.
    Bobby crawls into a fetal position and watches it.

INT. AARON'S OFFICE - NEXT MORNING
    Aaron sits across from a new client MELVIN FUNK, a wealthy, very blunt, older gay man with a chip on his shoulder.
    AARON
    How can I help you today, Mr. Funk?
    MELVIN
    I need to adjust my will. I will no longer be giving any money to my sister.
    AARON
    Alright. May I ask why?
    MELVIN
    Because I hate her. She's a terrible person. And I hate her husband too. Also can't stand my niece. 7 years old. Hateful.
    MELVIN
    Also, I'm dying. I have pancreatic cancer.
    AARON
    I'm so sorry to hear that.
    MELVIN FUNK
    So I need to figure out where my money goes.
    AARON
    Any spouse or child? Family member or friend you're close with?
    MELVIN FUNK
    No, no and no.
    AARON
    Well, sometimes it helps to close your eyes and think of who really means the most to you.
    MELVIN closes his eyes for 3 seconds and opens them.
    AARON
    Who is it?
    MELVIN FUNK
    Honestly? Cher.
    AARON
    Oh. Ok. So...you want to leave $100,000 dollars to.. Cher?
    AARON'S RECEPTIONIST
    Mr. Shepard, I'm sorry to interrupt. Mrs. Bailey passed away.
    MELVIN FUNK
    God, this is so depressing.
    AARON
    I'm sorry, Melvin, I can't imagine what you're going through.
    MELVIN FUNK
    I mean your job. What a downer.

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT MORNING
    Bobby wakes up suddenly. His phone buzzes. HEY WHATS UP. Bobby doesn't recognize the number. Another text... IT'S AARON. HOW'S GRINDR? A DREAM. I SPENT 45 MINUTES TAKING A PICTURE OF MY OWN ASS.

INT. AARON'S OFFICE - INTERCUT
    DID U HOOK UP? Bobby thinks about his reply and lies. YUP. NICE BRO. YOU MUST HAVE A HOT ASS. YES I MUST. HOW R U? HOW WAS GROUP SEX WITH THAT FAUX-CHICAGO CUB? IT WAS FUN. THEY INVITED ME BACK TOMORROW. THEIR SURROGATE IS PREGNANT AND THEY'RE HAVING A GENDER REVEAL ORGY. U SHOULD JOIN. A GENDER REVEAL ORGY. JAMES BALDWIN WOULD BE SO PROUD. LOL. I WOKE UP LAUGHING ABOUT U SO RUDELY CALLING ME OUT ON MY SHIT. YOU DESERVED IT, BITCH. HONESTLY I'M IMPRESSED - YOU MIGHT BE MORE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE THAN I AM! WELL MAYBE WE CAN BE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TOGETHER... "MAYBE WE CAN BE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TOGETHER?" WHO'S WRITING YOUR TEXTS? MAROON 5? AARON: FUCK OFF. JK! IF U WANNA HANG OUT, LET'S HANG OUT. WERE U ASKING ME TO HANG OUT? I'M DOWN FOR WHATEVER. BOBBY: OK. SAME. AARON: COOL. SOUNDS GOOD. SO...TOMORROW? OR I CAN DO WHENEVER. YEAH I'M GOOD FOR WHENEVER. AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER. YEAH I DON'T CARE WHAT WE DO. YEAH ME NEITHER. SO... TOMORROW? AND HONESTLY WE CAN DO WHATEVER. YEAH. I CAN DO WHATEVER AND I CAN DO IT WHENEVER. THAT WORK FOR YOU? YEAH DEFINITELY THAT WORKS. TEXT IN THE MORNING AND SEE HOW WE FEEL? COOL. AND IF TOMORROW DOESN'T WORK WE CAN DO IT ANOTHER TIME. YEAH ANOTHER TIME DEFINITELY WORKS FOR ME. YEAH ME TOO. SOUNDS GOOD. Aaron and Bobby both stare at their phones utterly confused.

EXT. CHURCH - AFTERNOON
    Bobby and Aaron walk by a church with stained glass windows.
    AARON
    Those windows are pretty.
    BOBBY
    Which? Oh. Wow, I have walked by here like 9000 times in my life and I have never noticed those.
    AARON
    Really? What else are you missing?
    BOBBY
    Churches creep me out.
    AARON
    The windows are pretty though.
    BOBBY
    Yeah, I have a hard time forgetting about the other stuff. You think stained glass windows have ever included gay couples?
    AARON
    I'm gonna say no.
    BOBBY
    Exactly. History has erased gay love stories so we don't grow up learning how to love each other. I did a whole Ted Talk about it.
    AARON
    I'm sure you did. I had an idea for a show called The Masked Ted Talk. It's a combination of the Masked Singer and a Ted Talk, so like you'd have a person giving a speech about female empowerment but they're dressed like a giant caterpillar.
    BOBBY
    You're, like, secretly very funny.
    AARON
    Thanks. I usually keep those things to myself but I thought you might appreciate it.
    A37 OMITTED A37\* \*:

B37 EXT. STREET - LATER THAT DAY B37
    Bobby & Aaron walk and talk.
    AARON
    You grew up here, right? Your parents still in the city?
    BOBBY
    No, my parents both passed away actually.
    AARON
    Oh I'm sorry.
    BOBBY
    Yeah, thanks. It wasn't recent. My mom died when I was in college and my dad died like 7 years ago- A BEE A BEE A BEE A BEE A BEE A BEE!
    Suddenly a bee is flying very close to Bobby's face and lands on him. He panics. He's flailing and trying to swat it.
    AARON
    Stop swatting - you'll kill it!
    BOBBY
    That's what I want to do!
    AARON
    The bees are dying. Don't you read?
    BOBBY
    Yes, about gay stuff and movies!
    Bobby freezes in a very awkward position. Aaron gently removes the bee from the back of his neck and sets it free.
    AARON
    See? No reason to kill it.
    BOBBY
    Well, I'm sure you're very turned on now watching me flail around like the one white dancer in In the Heights.
    AARON
    Sorry, I'm a big animal person.
    BOBBY
    So, what should we do now? Movie?
    AARON
    Sure. What's your favorite movie of all time?
    BOBBY
    My favorite movie of all time? I don't have a favorite movie. What am I, twelve years old? Why, what's your favorite movie?
    AARON
    I don't know. Maybe...The Hangover?
    BOBBY
    The Hangover?! The Hangover is your favorite movie of all time? How many movies have you seen? One?
    AARON
    It's a funny movie!
    BOBBY
    Kinda! And do you remember one of the first lines in that movie?
    BOBBY
    "Paging Dr. Faggot!"
    AARON
    "Paging Dr. Faggot!"
    BOBBY
    That's right. "Paging Dr. Faggot" is the first line of the highest grossing comedy of 2009. And no one ever talks about it! We're just supposed to laugh it off. That whole era of weird bro comedies was so fucked up.
    BOBBY
    And they say "well that's how guys like that talked." And I'm like, oh yeah, you know why people liked The Hangover? Historical Accuracy. But then I'm lame if I complain about it!
    AARON
    You're very intense.
    BOBBY
    Yes.
    AARON
    Life's too short to take it that seriously.
    BOBBY
    Really? I think life's too short not to take it that seriously.
    Bobby notices the movie poster for The Treasure Inside.
    BOBBY
    Oh, The Treasure Inside. It's supposed to be really good. (TBD Prestigious Actor) and Nick play \* closeted frontiersmen in Jonas the \* California Gold Rush of 1849. Of course it has to be two straight guys. Straight guys are always allowed to play gay and gay men are hardly ever allowed to play straight. They're worried the audience won't believe it. And I'm like - look at the shit people believe! Star Wars, Transformers, Spider Man - people won't believe a gay man can play straight but they believe in fucking Chewbacca?
    AARON
    So do you want to see it or not?
    BOBBY
    Of course! I'm dying to!

INT. MOVIE THEATER - MOMENTS LATER 37\*
    Bobby and Aaron watch trailer for an animated movie A \* DIFFERENT DANNY. \*
    THEN LATER-- \*
    \*
    ANGLE ON TBD our two Prestigious Actors in the back of a \* barn. Actor 2 draws water from a well, wiping his face with \* his shirt. Actor 1 reaches behind Actor 2 and helps him pump the water. \* It gradually becomes subtly sexual.
    ACTOR 1 \*
    What brings ya to Treasure, Oregon?
    ACTOR 2 \*
    I'm here with the traveling opera.
    ACTOR 1 \*
    I don't care much for op-er-a.
    ACTOR 2 \*
    Neither did I at first.
    Suddenly Actor 2 pulls away. \*
    ACTOR 2 (CONT'D) \*
    What are you doing?
    ACTOR 1 \*
    I don't know.
    They kiss and fall to the ground, about to have anal sex.
    BOBBY
    No lube?
    AARON
    I don't think they had lube in 1849. They didn't even have, like, highways.
    BOBBY
    I'm going to call it. As soon as penetration happens the camera is going to sensitively drift away.
    Actor 1 is about to penetrate Actor 2. Actor 2 screams in \* pain/ecstasy and the camera sensitively drifts away.
    AARON
    Shit! You called it!
    An older straight woman turns around and shushes them.
    STRAIGHT OLDER WOMAN
    Shhh!!! How rude!
    BOBBY
    Oh, you know what lady? We only get one movie about gay people a year. The least you can do is let me rip it to shreds!
    ANGLE ON THE SCREEN: Actor 2 enters Actor 1's barn. \*
    TBD PRESTIGIOUS ACTOR
    Git. Git out. Just git. Git.
    MUSIC CUE: "Che Gelida Manina" from La Bohème. Actor 1 runs \* away, tears in his eyes, through a field. Bobby and Aaron tear up, but hide it from each other. The lights come up.
    STRAIGHT OLDER WOMAN
    That was brilliant. Just brilliant.

INT. MOVIE THEATER LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT
    BOBBY
    Well, it got me in the end.
    AARON
    Yeah. But why does it always have to be so tragic?
    BOBBY
    I don't know. Philadelphia, Moonlight, Milk, Brokeback - happy endings don't win Oscars. People love seeing us miserable.
    JOSH EVANS, a handsome, very bro-y dude, and a WOMAN approach.
    JOSH
    Wait - Aaron Shepard?!
    AARON
    Josh Evans?? Holy shit! Sup, dude? Haven't seen you in forfuckingever!
    JOSH
    Aaron and I played hockey in high school! This is my fiancé Samantha.
    SAMANTHA
    Hey!
    AARON
    Nice to meet you. This is Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Nice to meet you. We just saw The Treasure Inside. Which if you do not want to see gay sex I highly recommend.
    JOSH
    Oh. Ok. Nice.
    AARON
    Just some dumb movie.
    SAMANTHA
    Oh wait - I wanna see that! Gay guys are my jam.
    Bobby grimaces at that.
    AARON
    What're you doing here?
    JOSH
    Just on a little trip! First time in NY actually. This city is sick!
    BOBBY
    This is your first time in New York and you're going to a movie?
    JOSH
    Yeah. Deadpool 7 just opened!
    BOBBY
    Deadpool 7? Weren't there only 2?
    JOSH
    Yeah! They skipped right to 7! Ryan Reynolds is fucking crazy like that!
    SAMANTHA
    Ryan Reynolds is such a badass.
    BOBBY
    He really is.
    AARON
    Sounds awesome! Good seeing ya bro!
    JOSH
    You too bro. Nice meeting you, Bob.
    BOBBY
    Bob?
    Josh and Samantha head off.
    AARON
    Jesus. That's so crazy. I never run into anyone from home.
    BOBBY
    Totally, bro. Just some dumb movie, bro.
    AARON
    He's a dude from my tiny high school who I played hockey with 800 years ago. I wasn't about to get into a dissertation on gay cinema.
    BOBBY
    No, I get it. No I thought he was sick, I thought he was just extremely sick. They were both very lovely, very sick people.
    AARON
    God I had the biggest crush on him in high school.
    BOBBY
    Of course you did! Dumb, bro-y, straight acting men! Like I said!

EXT. BOBBY'S BUILDING - LATER
    They approach Bobby's building. Bobby gestures to it.
    BOBBY
    Well, like the bearded lady in the Greatest Showman, this is me.
    They look at each other. As Bobby goes in for a kiss, Aaron points out Bobby's doorman.
    AARON
    Dude. Your doorman.
    BOBBY
    C'mon, let's not be the guys in the movie who only kiss in the bottom of a mine in what is now Oregon.
    Aaron gets a text. It's a hot pic of the faux-baseball player and his husband. He shows Bobby the pic.
    BOBBY
    The faux Chicago Cub?
    AARON
    Yeah, his husband just sent this.
    BOBBY
    Whoa. They are really hot.
    AARON
    Yeah. Mike and Doug. They're just these big, rugged, roided out meatheads. Not the brightest but... sweet guys. You wanna go over there?
    BOBBY
    Now? Wait - are you ditching me again to fuck the baseball cosplayer and his husband?
    AARON
    I'm not ditching you, I'm inviting you! They want us to come over. You should come!
    BOBBY
    What? No. I thought you were gonna come upstairs.
    AARON
    Look, I don't do the one on one relationship thing very well. If I come upstairs, it becomes a whole thing. You should just come with me. Seriously, it would be fun!
    BOBBY
    What? No. Are you crazy? See this is why I don't get involved - because you people are insane. I thought this was a date and then we'd - anyway, whatever. I appreciate the invite but I can't.
    AARON
    Ok. Maybe another time.
    BOBBY
    Ok. Well... have fun! Goodnight!
    Aaron turns and walks away. He looks down at the pic of the hot couple and then turns around and shouts back at Bobby.
    AARON
    Bobby! Wait!

INT. - AN APT.
    MUSIC CUE: "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran. Tight on Bobby and Aaron making out tenderly. They talk sweetly, almost whispering.
    BOBBY
    Hey, I had a really nice time today.
    AARON
    Me too.
    BOBBY
    I never go on dates but it was fun.
    AARON
    Yeah. I had a great time too.
    We hear light slurping sounds and pull out to reveal the baseball player and his husband on their knees sucking Aaron off. Bobby sits there naked and uncomfortable right next to them, with his hands folded covering his privates.
    BOBBY
    (whispering, to Aaron)
    Hey, I'm gonna go.
    AARON
    Is everything ok? Is this weird?
    BOBBY
    Oh no, no, totally fine, I'm just gonna go.
    Bobby puts on his clothes and leaves.

INT. TINA AND EDGAR'S HOUSE - DAY
    TINA
    Thanks for coming. We're convinced Brian is gay and I think it's good for him to have his gay uncle around.
    BOBBY
    Of course! I will always be here to be a good guncle to my g'nephew.
    BRIAN and his sister HANNAH run in, ages 8 and 5.
    BRIAN
    Uncle Bobby, will you read my report? It's about Freddie Mercury.
    TINA
    He's obsessed with Bohemian Rhapsody.
    BOBBY
    Wow. And like that movie does your report take a story about one of the great gay icons and make it about that one time he maybe slept with a woman?
    TINA
    Bobby. He's eight. Plus I thought Freddie Mercury was bi.
    Bobby rolls his eyes. He keeps checking his phone.
    TINA
    What are those gifs of Liam Hemsworth?
    BOBBY
    This guy I went out with won't stop bothering me.
    TINA
    A guy? Really? A Grindr guy?
    BOBBY
    Nope. I met him in real life.
    TINA
    Bobby! That's fantastic. So when are you seeing him again?
    BOBBY
    Probably never. He's like this wannabe "bro", you know? He's smart but it's like he never got over wanting to be this dude. And I see the guys he looks at. They're all like him. And that's not me.
    EDGAR
    Is he a top or a bottom?
    HANNAH
    Bottom! Bottom!
    Hannah starts doing a dance where she shakes her bottom.
    TINA
    Oooh bottom dance!
    BOBBY
    Oh God. Gay sex was more fun when straight people were uncomfortable with it. Fuckin' Schitt's Creek.
    BOBBY
    Maybe we should stop talking about anal sex in front of your children.
    TINA
    Oh please, it's a natural part of life! Bobby - ask him out again! You never like anyone - give it a shot!
    BOBBY
    I do need a plus one for this work thing.
    EDGAR
    A work thing? With lots of celebrities and fancy people? You gonna peacock to impress him?
    BOBBY
    No, it's just a fundraiser for the museuem and I need to bring someone.
    TINA
    Are you gonna be on stage?
    BOBBY
    No, I am not going to be on stage. Who do you think I am? Some sort of narcissistic sociopath?

INT. LGBTQ MUSEUM - NIGHT
    Bobby is on stage hosting a fundraising party for the Museum. Aaron sits in the crowd, a bit shy and uncomfortable but clearly mesmerized by Bobby and the event.
    BOBBY
    Ok, let's hear it once more for John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who insisted on coming and performing tonight without even being asked! They literally just showed up and refused to leave! Everyone, there are rock paintings in Zimbabwe that date back to the year 8000 BCE which depict homosexuality. If only the men on those paintings could've lived 10,000 years to see a character come out on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Please give generously so the Museum can tell all the stories in between that have never been told. Goodnight!
    ANGLE ON: Aaron who sits at a table with other board members.
    BOBBY
    Hey - are you ok? Sorry I left you alone. You wanna see the Museum?
    AARON
    Are you sure? We can stay.
    BOBBY
    No, let's just go. Before Andy Cohen tries to steal you away from me. He has a four year old - you don't need that baggage.

INT. MUSEUM LOBBY - CONTINUED.
    AARON
    Dude, you were awesome. I could never do that. Speak in front of all those people? You run in some fancy circles, I didn't realize.
    BOBBY
    It's not always that glamorous. You should see the fights we have. I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm pitching my Lincoln exhibit for the final wing. How's work for you?
    AARON
    Fine. Dealing with a very sad rich man, Melvin Funk. He's dying. And he has no idea who to leave his money to cause he's totally alone.
    BOBBY
    God, that's so sad.
    AARON
    Yep. So that's what I do.
    BOBBY
    Maybe you should do something else.
    AARON
    Nah. It's fine.
    BOBBY
    Yeah it's fine if you wanna hate your life and be miserable. Oh wait, let's go this way.

INT. FUTURE LGBTQ MUSEUM - THE AIDS MEMORIAL
    Bobby walks Aaron into a room with a gigantic electronic wall dedicated to those who have died of AIDS.

INT. LGBT MUSEUM - THE LEGENDS PAVILION
    They walk through beautiful displays of photos and artifacts.
    BOBBY
    This is the Legends Pavilion. Unsung heroes from LGBTQ history. This is We'wha, a revered transgender Native American "two- spirit" from the Zuni tribe in the 1800's. She was accused of witchcraft and sent to prison.
    (moving on)
    Magnus Hirschfeld was a doctor who founded the Sex Institute of Berlin in the 1930s, which carried out the first advocacy for LGBTQ rights. It was burned to the ground and destroyed by the Nazis.
    (moving on)
    This is Bayard Rustin, a close adviser to Dr. Martin Luther King and chief organizer of the March on Washington. Rustin was openly gay, even in the face of some homophobes in the Civil Rights Movement, who at one point set up a committee to determine whether it was worth keeping him around. What do you think? Incredible, right?
    AARON
    It's like all AIDS and Nazis and homophobia. It's a bit of a downer.
    BOBBY
    Well it's a painful history. People need to experience it.
    AARON
    I'm just giving you my reaction.
    BOBBY
    Well what did you think it was going to be, "A Night at the Gay Museum?"
    AARON
    You laugh, but every one of my relatives loves that movie. You should maybe do something like that where the things talk at you.
    BOBBY
    Where the things talk at you? Like what? A hologram of Kenan Thompson \* as James Baldwin? Seth Meyers as \* Harvey Milk? Amy Schumer as Eleanor \* Roosevelt? \*
    AARON
    Honestly people would love that shit!
    BOBBY
    No offense but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
    Wanda and Angela run into the hall.
    WANDA
    Bobby! We have Debra Messing's agent on Zoom. It's urgent. Debra's worried she's on the verge of getting cancelled. She said in an interview that she was "the Viola Davis of Tufts" and people are mad. He said she may want to make a big donation to the Museum to save face. And she's loaded.
    BOBBY
    Oh my God! Ok I'm coming. Aaron, I'll be back in 5!
    Bobby leaves. Aaron sees himself reflected in the glass of an empty display, seeing himself in the context of history and all these icons. In his mind's eye the display's blank plaque changes to: "POPULAR ON GRINDR. HATED HIS JOB. WORKED OUT A LOT." WIDE SHOT of Aaron alone in this beautiful exhibit surrounded by heroes. He feels small and lost in comparison.

INT. LGBTQ MUSEUM - THE LEGENDS PAVILION
    Bobby runs back in to find Aaron. Aaron is gone.
    BOBBY
    Aaron? Where are you?
    Bobby looks at his phone. SORRY. HAD TO GO. C U. EVERYTHING OK? Aaron doesn't reply. Bobby calls him. Aaron doesn't pick up.
    BOBBY
    Fuck!!!

INT. LGBTQ MUSEUM BOARDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
    A distracted Bobby sits with the board before his Lincoln pitch. The board waits impatiently as he texts Aaron again. We see his phone as he scrolls through multiple unanswered texts.
    WANDA
    Bobby! Whenever you're ready.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Ok great. Um -
    Bobby sits up and pulls it together to begin his pitch.
    BOBBY
    People wonder if America is ready for its first gay President - I say we already had one. For the final wing, please consider The Lincoln Letters: A Gay American Love Story. For years, historians have speculated about Lincoln's sexuality. He shared a bed and exchanged romantic letters with two different men, Joshua Speed and David Derrickson, Speed for many years-
    ROBERT
    I'm stopping you. It won't work, Bobby. You can't say Lincoln was gay.
    WANDA
    Well, I think it's interesting. And why not be a little controversial?
    ROBERT
    Because there's not enough evidence.
    BOBBY
    Well there you have it - no evidence of love! Of course we
    don't have enough evidence Robert - we weren't allowed to exist!
    ROBERT
    Lincoln was married to a woman and had three children. He wasn't gay, Bobby - at most he was bi!
    ANGELA
    Well if you ask me, Lincoln is just another cis white man.
    CHERRY
    Just another cis white man? He's Abraham Lincoln!
    ANGELA
    Not according to @wokecunt.
    BOBBY
    Who the hell is @wokecunt?
    ROBERT
    A hugely popular TikTok historian.
    WANDA
    Gigantic influencer.
    TAMARA
    @wokecunt is my hero.
    BOBBY
    Well, with all due respect to Woke Cunt, she's not on the board of this Museum.
    ANGELA
    But it's not even accurate. We all know James Buchanan came before Lincoln and he was the first gay President. He was hooking up with Senator and future Vice President William Rufus King. You just don't want to mention that Bobby because Buchanan was a Conservative prick.
    ROBERT
    And Hitler was gay too!
    BOBBY
    Ok we're not talking about that!
    WANDA
    People! Enough! Let's vote on it.
    Everyone writes down which exhibit they want and slips it to Wanda. Bobby looks at his phone. Still no text from Aaron.
    WANDA
    Ok. We have two votes for Great Bisexuals of the World...
    Robert smiles and flips off Bobby.
    WANDA
    And three votes for The Lincoln Letters. Lincoln wins.
    BOBBY
    YES!!!
    Robert looks pissed. A RECEPTIONIST knocks urgently. Everyone looks toward the door. The receptionist pokes their head in.
    RECEPTIONIST
    Debra Messing is in the building!
    Bobby checks his phone again. Still no text.
    BOBBY
    Goddammit!
    WANDA
    Are you ok?
    BOBBY
    Yes. I'm fine. I am totally fine.

INT. LGBTQ MUSEUM - LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
    A frazzled Bobby rushes towards Debra Messing.
    BOBBY
    Hi there, Ms. Messing --
    DEBRA MESSING
    Please call me Debra. I love this space! How did you find it?
    BOBBY
    What? Oh. Yeah. I don't know.
    DEBRA MESSING
    Are you OK, dear? You seem a little flustered. Trust me, I know I'm Debra Messing but I'm only human.
    BOBBY
    Oh. I'm sorry Debra. Boy problems.
    DEBRA MESSING
    Ohhhhh.
    BOBBY
    He was actually here last night. I brought him with me to the fundraiser and then out of nowhere he just left. And I keep texting him and he won't get back to me. I don't know what's happening.
    DEBRA MESSING
    Well, I'm so excited for this tour -
    BOBBY
    I mean, what do you think that is? If I may ask. Is he just not interested in me? Or did something really come up? And why the hell am I even thinking about it? Because I am never distracted like this. This is not who I am!
    BOBBY
    And I'm like do I keep texting him? Do I call him? Do I go over to his house?? What do I do?
    Debra's smile is now frozen.
    DEBRA MESSING
    I have spent the last twenty-five years listening to every gay guy on Earth complain to me. I am not my fucking character. I'm not every gay man's best friend. I'm just out in the world thinking I was going to get a tour of a museum. But no. Instead I get a bunch of tedious complaints I've heard eight thousand times before. Did I waltz in here and lay all my shit on you? I'm a divorced single mother -- you want to hear what that's like?
    BOBBY
    No, I mean, I'm so sorry --
    Wanda, Cherry and Angela rush in.
    CHERRY
    What's going on here?
    DEBRA MESSING
    Do you have some personal shit you want to complain about to me?
    CHERRY
    No --
    DEBRA MESSING
    Of course not. Because lesbians have their shit together! I gotta go. I lose my sitter in an hour.
    Debra Messing exits.
    WANDA
    Bobby, what is going on with you? We're down to the wire. If Debra doesn't donate we're almost out of options. Figure this out, Bobby!!

INT. NEW WORKOUT CLASS - "XXXTREME BALLPIT"
    Bobby, Henry, Tina, Tom and Lucas wade through a colorful ball pit lifting weights above their heads in the new class XXXTREME BALLPIT.
    TINA
    What do you mean he just left?
    BOBBY
    I mean one minute he was in the museum and the next he was gone. Like Casper that Fucked Up Ghost. This asshole has somehow gotten into my head and he has me acting like a crazy person! And now we don't know if Debra Messing will donate! And if she doesn't, we're fucked! This is not who I am! I don't know what's happening to me!
    HENRY
    Aaron doesn't have his shit together. You deserve better.
    Suddenly, Tom and Lucas start squealing in delight.
    TOM
    Wait! Our surrogate texted us this new sonogram! Look at our babies!!!
    Tina and Henry race towards Tom and Lucas in the ballpit.
    LUCAS
    Bobby, look!
    TOM
    Look - one almost has toes!
    BOBBY
    Quite an accomplishment. Sorry I was actually going through something...
    TOM
    Oh stop moping about your one night stand. What did you expect?
    BOBBY
    What did I expect? Well I didn't expect him to just ditch me like that. What I did expect was that you two would adopt!
    LUCAS
    Excuse me?
    BOBBY
    No it's wonderful. I'm just saying at one point you said you would only adopt.
    LUCAS
    Tom decided he wanted his own kids.
    BOBBY
    Well ok but you said your grandfather was a racist and an anti-semite so what's so great about your DNA that you so desperately had to spread it around?
    Bobby laughs at his own joke but the others don't.
    LUCAS
    Gee Bobby, it's just so hard to figure out why you would've scared Aaron away.
    TINA
    Ok settle down various gays. Look, maybe Aaron's not the one but you liked going out with him, right? Maybe it's a sign you should go on some dates!
    BOBBY
    I don't know. I'm not a going-on- dates person, you know that. I'm better off alone - all these guys are full of shit! You can't trust them! And here's the worst part - no one ever looks like their pictures! You meet them on some app and then you meet them in person and they're always exactly 30% uglier than how they looked in their photos. It's not fair!

INT. BOBBY'S APT - LATER THAT DAY
    Bobby scrolls through Tinder. We see a brief MONTAGE of Bobby matching with guys and then meeting them in person. When he meets them, WE SEE THEIR FACES MORPH from their perfect Tinder selfie into the real face sitting across from Bobby on a date, which is always 30% less attractive. Finally, he matches with SAM, a cute guy... and the face is accurate!

EXT. CAFE - DAY
    Bobby and Sam drink beers. They're laughing and having fun.
    SAM
    So, have you ever had sex with a woman?
    BOBBY
    As a matter of fact I have. (joking) Do you know someone by the name of... Kate Winslet?
    SAM
    I don't.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Ok. I didn't have sex with her. She's an actress. Really you don't know her? Titanic?
    SAM
    Never saw it.
    SAM
    Not a big movie guy. \* But I read a lot! \*
    BOBBY \*
    Oh cool. I read a lot too. I \* actually just finished that new \* Walt Whitman biography. Have you \* read it? Ok, this is crazy. Did you \* know Walt Whitman, America's \* greatest poet of the 19th century, \* published a magazine about men's \* physique under a pseudonym? It was \* called "MANLY HEALTH" - it was a 13 \* part series basically teaching men \* how to build muscle and look hot. \* Walt Whitman did this! \*
    SAM \*
    No way. \*
    BOBBY \*
    Yeah! "America's poet." Meanwhile \* if he were alive today, he wouldn't \* have time to write "Leaves of \* Grass", he'd probably just be Chris \* Pratt's trainer. Personal trainers \* are the new poets! \*
    SAM \*
    I feel like he'd probably be some \* kinky jock-sniffing leather queen \* with his cock in a cage. \*
    BOBBY \*
    Exactly! \*
    SAM \*
    Have you ever worn one of those? \*
    BOBBY \*
    A cock cage? \*
    SAM \*
    Yeah one of those little metal \* cages that trap your penis so you \* can't get hard until your master \* unlocks it? \*
    BOBBY \*
    No, but I've seen them - \*
    SAM \*
    So my boyfriend put me in one, real \* hot, but then I broke up with him, \* and he was so angry, he wouldn't \* give me the key. And then my \* grandpa died. \*
    BOBBY \*
    Oh my god. \*
    SAM \*
    Yeah. And I had to go back to \* Michigan for the funeral. But there \* was no way I was getting through \* airport security with that thing \* on. So I rent a car, drive nine \* hours to Ann Arbor, nonstop, then I \* have to sit through my grandpa's \* funeral in a cock cage. \*
    BOBBY \*
    That is very strange. \*
    SAM \*
    Yeah. But it was also kinda hot. \* Like my dick still belonged to \* Ethan. \*
    BOBBY \*
    Wow. (beat). And you've done all \* that but you've never seen Titanic? \*

INT. SAM'S APT. - BEDROOM
    Sam and Bobby are shirtless, making out on Sam's bed.
    SAM
    You're really hot.
    BOBBY
    You too.
    SAM
    You like your nips played with?
    BOBBY
    Um, sure.
    Sam pinches one of Bobby's nipples. Bobby lets out a quiet "ouch" sound. Mildly painful but Bobby doesn't mind.
    SAM
    You like that?
    BOBBY
    I think so.
    Sam pinches one nipple a little harder. Then the other.
    BOBBY
    Ow. Ow.
    Then Sam pinches the other one. Then the first one again.
    BOBBY
    Ow. (beat) Ow. Ow.
    SAM
    You like that? Have you ever tried these?
    Sam leans over to his night table and pulls out what look like 2 small, soft black rubber knobs from the drawer.
    SAM
    They're called nipple plumpers.
    BOBBY
    They're called what?
    SAM
    They suction on to your nipples. They make 'em really swollen and sensitive.
    BOBBY
    Oh. OK. (as Sam puts them on) Ow. Ow.
    Sam puts the nipple plumpers on Bobby's nipples. Sam is now alternating between Bobby's nipples, pinching them one by one, slowly pinching harder and harder, with Bobby saying "ow! ow!" every time but enjoying it. This escalates. Sam's now really going after Bobby's nipples, sometimes one by one, sometimes both at the same time, handling them as if Bobby's nipples are the console in some intense video game. This builds to where Sam has both his fists yanking both nipples at the same time, shaking Bobby's entire body that way. Bobby is flailing and convulsing in ecstasy as Sam shakes him intensely, rocking him back and forth.
    BOBBY
    Oy oy oy oy oy oy oyyyyy!
    Sam goes for one more really intense pinch with both hands.
    BOBBY
    Ahhh!! Ok, ok that's enough. I need a break. Let's take them off.
    SAM
    Oh, ok sure. God that was hot.
    Sam tries to take them off. But they're not coming off.
    SAM
    They're really suctioned on there.
    He pulls them again.
    BOBBY
    Ow. Ow.
    Sam goes for it and pulls harder. Bobby screams "OW!!! OW!!!" but they're still stuck.
    BOBBY
    What the fuck??
    SAM
    I'm sorry - they're stuck!
    BOBBY
    YA THINK? Just let me do it.
    Bobby grabs at them himself, pulling hard, to the point where he rocks himself into a fetal position trying to get them off - but they won't come off.
    BOBBY
    Fuck! What am I gonna do? Why did you put these on me?
    SAM
    I'm sorry! This doesn't usually happen - hold on let me pour some lube on there and they'll slip off.
    Sam gets his lube bottle and pours it on Bobby's chest, then sets the bottle aside. It falls off the bed and drips on to the floor. Bobby starts to gently massage the lube into the suction cups on his very sore chest, which turns Sam on.
    SAM
    God you look hot right now.
    BOBBY
    Are you jerking off?
    SAM
    I'm sorry! You're so hot!
    BOBBY
    Stop it! Oh my god what am I gonna do? They won't come off! They won't come off! I'm panicking!
    Bobby shoves Sam aside. He jumps up from the bed. As his feet hit the floor, Bobby slips on the lube and falls down.
    BOBBY
    OW!!! I SLIPPED ON THE LUBE!
    SAM
    Oh my god are you ok?
    Sam jumps off the bed to help him and Sam slips on the lube too. Bobby gets himself up, slipping and sliding on the lube as he yanks his clothes on.
    SAM
    I'm so sorry, I really am. I had a really good time tonight.
    I DIDN'T!!! THIS IS WHY I DON'T DO THIS! Bobby leaves and slams the door.

INT. - AARON'S OFFICE
    Aaron is in his office on Facetime with his mom, ANNE.
    ANNE
    Your brother is here. Say hi!
    Anne pans over to JASON SHEPARD, 42, playing a video game.
    JASON
    Sup.
    AARON
    Sup.
    ANNE
    Never get divorced, Aaron.
    JASON
    Never get married.
    AARON
    Ok mom, I'm at work so-
    ANNE
    Oh wait - I almost forgot to tell you! You remember Josh Evans?
    AARON
    From high school? Yeah. I just ran into him and his fiancé here.
    ANNE
    Well, they just broke up. And you wanna know why? Because he's gay.
    AARON
    Wait - what? Josh Evans? No.
    ANNE
    Yes! People are shocked! But I'm happy for him! Anyway he's moving to NY soon so I gave his mom your number so you guys can hang out and, I don't know, be gay I guess.
    CUT TO LATER: AARON WATCHES JOSH EVANS'S HEARTFELT COMING OUT
    IG STORY. JOSH IS SUPER BRO-Y, VERY DIFFERENT THAN BOBBY.
    JOSH EVANS
    I'm so nervous. Geez. Well here goes. I'm definitely embarrassed by how long this took me but I'm told everyone does this in their own time. And I'm sorry this took me 35 years but I've been empowered by my heroes, Colton Underwood and Carl Nassib, to say that, as it turns out, I'm gay.
    AARON
    Holy shit.
    Aaron looks at old FB photos of him and Josh on the hockey team. At the prom with girlfriends. Dressed in hunting gear.

INT. PETER AND PAUL'S APT - BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING
    Peter, Paul and Marty are all cuddling in bed together. As they wake up, each one very sweetly says good morning to the two others individually so we hear "good morning" nine separate times.
    PETER/PAUL/MARTY
    Good morning...good morning...good morning...good morning...good morning...
    PETER
    Wait Bobby's calling me.
    Peter picks up and puts Bobby on speaker.
    BOBBY
    Hey. Did you guys get my long voicemail about Aaron?
    PAUL
    Oh so now you want our opinion?
    BOBBY
    Oh stop it c'mon you know I love you, I want your advice.
    PETER
    Do you want us to be honest?
    PAUL
    He sounds like a total basket case.
    MARTY
    I'd move on.
    BOBBY
    Who is that? Is that fucking Marty?
    PETER
    Yeah. Marty's here.
    BOBBY
    Thanks for chiming in, Marty.

INT. BOBBY'S APT. - THAT NIGHT
    Bobby's at home, making dinner, singing to himself while periodically glancing over at his phone.
    BOBBY
    (singing)
    "Don't call him, don't call him, do not caaaaall himmm"
    Bobby stares at his phone. Then, he grabs it and calls Aaron.
    BOBBY
    Hey. It's me. Call me if you're around.
    DING. A text. HEY WHATS UP? Bobby calls Aaron again. It goes to voicemail again. WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER UR PHONE? WHO TALKS ON THE PHONE? HAHA. WHAT'S UP? SORRY I HAVEN'T REPLIED. JUST BUSY. NO WORRIES. SAME. WANNA HANG SAT? Dots appear and then disappear 3 times. Bobby squirms. SURE.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK MEADOW - DAY
    BOBBY
    You sure you don't want to join me on this gigantic blanket?
    AARON
    Nah, I'm good.
    CUT TO A WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT. Aaron lies on the grass, next to Bobby's very large blanket which has plenty of room.
    BOBBY
    So, what's up? I haven't heard from you in a bit. Which is fine I guess but-
    AARON
    Wait sorry - you'll love this. I just got crazy news. That old high school buddy of mine we ran into -
    BOBBY
    The sick one?
    AARON
    Yeah. He just came out. Broke up with his fiancé. I had no clue!
    BOBBY
    Wow. Well, good for him I guess. When did you come out?
    AARON
    In college. To my brother.

EXT. MONTANA WOODS - FLASHBACK - DAY
    Aaron and his brother Jason are on a hunting trip in Montana. Aaron is 20 and Jason is 22. They are in heavy hunting gear. It is quiet.
    AARON
    I need to tell you something.
    JASON
    What's up?
    AARON
    I'm gay.
    JASON
    Ha. Yeah right. You fucking with me?
    AARON
    Nope.
    Jason takes this in and then fires off a ton of loud gun shots. It's very jarring. Aaron flinches at the shots.
    BOBBY (V.O.)
    You came out to your brother while you were hunting bighorn sheep?
    AARON (V.O.)
    Yup. How about you?

INT. YOUNG BOBBY'S PARENT'S LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)
    SPLIT SCREEN between the hunting trip and young, 12 year old Bobby in his parents' living room belting "Maybe" from Annie while Bobby's proud parents watch and beam.
    BOBBY (V.O.)
    It was pretty similar to yours.
    As young Bobby sings on one side of the screen, Jason fires a loud round of gun shots on the other side which overlap with Bobby's song. Jason yells -
    DANNY
    Got 'er!
    BOBBY'S PARENTS
    Bravo!!! BRAVO!!!
    Bobby's very supportive parents give him a standing ovation.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK MEADOW - AS BEFORE
    AARON
    You were a confident little gay boy.
    BOBBY
    I guess so, yeah. Are things ok with your brother now?
    AARON
    We're fine. I mean, I don't talk to him about guys or anything. But it's fine.
    Bobby clocks Aaron staring at some hot frat boys playing football.
    BOBBY
    Look, I need you to be honest. You're not into me, right? I'm not your type? It's fine, I can handle it. I just need to know.
    BOBBY
    Because I don't do this very often - and this is why - so please just tell me so I don't waste my time.
    AARON
    Bobby, it's not that. You're a handsome guy.
    BOBBY
    Then why are you being so weird and passive aggressive?
    AARON
    Look, you're just... you're just very intense and you have very high expectations for people.
    BOBBY
    So what's wrong with that?
    Aaron turns away.
    BOBBY
    You like dumb guys.
    AARON
    What?
    BOBBY
    You heard me. You like these big, dumb, basic, conventional idiots. Why? I don't get it. You're smart.
    AARON
    I don't know. I told you I like to keep things simple. It's just how I am. It's just easier. Not everyone is looking to be challenged ok?
    BOBBY
    I don't have to challenge you! I can be simple! I can be chill! I'll be chill like your boys! Look, Aaron! Look how chill I am!
    Bobby sprawls out on the blanket, attempting very awkwardly to look relaxed. Aaron laughs then looks back at the football players roughhousing, clearly fixated on them. Suddenly, Bobby shoves Aaron hard.
    AARON
    Hey! What are you doing?
    BOBBY
    I'm pushing you! I'm pushing you! I can be tough! Don't stereotype me!
    Bobby shoves him hard again.
    AARON
    Stop it!
    BOBBY
    No! I'm just giving you what you want! You want aggression, tough guy? You want a fucking fight?
    Bobby pushes Aaron. Aaron pushes Bobby back. It escalates. The guys wrestle on the lawn. The football players rush over.
    FOOTBALL PLAYERS
    Hey calm down! Let's cool it boys!
    Suddenly, Aaron and Bobby are passionately making out. Not knowing what to do, the football bros slowly back away.
    AARON
    My place is near here.
    BOBBY
    Let's go the fuck home.
    MUSIC CUE: "It Might Be You" from Tootsie

INT. AARON'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY
    Aaron and Bobby are making out and wrestling on the bed, playfully slapping, punching, shoving each other and pulling each other's hair. Things get increasingly kinky, all set to the song IT MIGHT BE YOU. They each do hits of poppers and go crazy on each other, they get lube out and start using it, they consensually choke each other, they spit on each other, Aaron sticks his whole hand in Bobby's mouth, Bobby licks Aaron's biceps, maybe Aaron gives Bobby a rim job if there's a way to film that, etc etc. Eventually this turns into sex. Aaron's on top. Air gets stuck in Bobby's butt as Aaron thrusts, creating fart noises.
    BOBBY
    (with each fart noise)
    Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
    AARON
    It's ok. Just relax.
    Aaron smiles. Bobby smiles too. They connect. Bobby takes a deep breath and lets go. No more fighting. It's intimate.

INT. AARON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Aaron and Bobby lay in bed. Aaron's looking at his body.
    BOBBY
    That was fun.
    AARON
    It was. I love how your chest goes in like that.
    BOBBY
    Yes it's called a concave chest. One of my many asymmetries. Thanks for pointing it out.
    AARON
    I think it's cool! I love how hairy you are. You're like Austin Powers!
    BOBBY
    Never thought I'd date someone who knows Austin Powers but not Debra Messing. Where did I go wrong?
    AARON
    Date someone? Um, are we dating?
    BOBBY
    Um, no. We're not dating. I like to think of it less as dating and more as punching each other followed by you listing off all my physical deformities. We're not dating. We don't date people, remember?
    AARON
    Oh I remember.
    Bobby cuddles next to Aaron. They both look slightly terrified. Bobby closes his eyes and allows himself to put his weight on Aaron. Aaron starts petting his hair gently. We watch the guys let go and relax into each other.
    BOBBY
    It's so annoying how good a warm body feels laying on another warm body.
    AARON
    Yeah.
    BOBBY
    You are really good at sex. Like, really good!
    AARON
    Ha, thanks. I guess everyone has something they do well.
    BOBBY
    What are you talking about? You're good at your job.
    AARON
    I am. Except I hate it. It's stressful and it's depressing and it's so fucking boring. I hate it.
    Aaron dwells on this. Suddenly, he sits up abruptly, forcing Bobby to do the same. He looks at Bobby very intensely.
    AARON
    Ok I need to tell you something.
    BOBBY
    Oh no. Ok...
    AARON
    There was something I wanted to do. When I was younger.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Cool. What was it?
    AARON
    I...I wanted to make little chocolates.
    Bobby stares at him completely dumbfounded.
    BOBBY
    You wanted to make little chocolates?
    AARON
    Yeah. I was obsessed with chocolate as a kid. I would look up all the different chocolate brands in the encyclopedia and see how they were made.
    AARON
    And I don't mean just like M&Ms, I mean like Ferrero Rocher and Amadei in Tuscany and all these fancy European chocolates. I used to tell my parents I was going to the arcade at the mall and then sneak off to the Godiva. I loved how all the chocolates were wrapped and I thought about how I would design them. And I knew my shit, I was really serious about it. But what was I gonna do with that? What was I gonna be?
    BOBBY
    A chocolatier!
    AARON
    I've never told anyone that.
    BOBBY
    Why'd you tell me?
    AARON
    I don't know. You have this big, exciting life. I didn't come from one of those families where you were encouraged to "find your passion" or turn your hobby into a career or whatever. I was just supposed to get a good job that paid well. My parents wanted me to go to law school, so I did. Got a good job, made good money. I did what I thought I was supposed to do.
    BOBBY
    But why don't you just quit? Do something else. Life is short. You don't need to stay in your miserable job. You could be out in the world, I don't know, making fudge! A hot gay chocolatier? Are you kidding? You'd be huge!
    AARON
    Stop. I'm not quitting my job. You make it sound so easy.
    BOBBY
    Well no, it's not easy. It's never easy. You know what I have to do this weekend?
    BOBBY
    I have to drag my deformed body up to Provincetown and beg donors for money. We need 5 million dollars or we won't make our opening. And it's Pride up there so the Museum has a float in the parade but we can't just have any float cause the board wants to do something special so...ya know... nothing's easy.
    AARON
    Oh. Well, maybe I could come?
    BOBBY
    To P-town?
    AARON
    Yeah. Could be fun. I mean it's no big deal if you don't want me to.
    BOBBY
    No, I mean...sure...could be fun.
    AARON
    No big deal. Either way.
    BOBBY
    Ok. Yeah. Sure. Let's do it.
    Bobby leans back and they both look nervously up at the ceiling. What are they getting themselves into?

EXT. GUEST HOUSE - PROVINCETOWN, MA.
    Aaron and Bobby turn down a picturesque back lane and drive up to a guest house. LOUIS, a gay man (60s) answers the door.
    LOUIS
    Welcome, welcome. I'm Louis. Let me show you to your room.

INT. GUEST HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
    Louis walks Bobby and Aaron down the hallway of his house.
    BOBBY
    This house is so beautiful. How long have you had this place?
    LOUIS
    Well I've been coming to P-town since 1976.
    Aaron and Bobby notice the walls decorated with photos of a group of young men from the late 70s.
    AARON
    Who are those guys?
    LOUIS
    That one's me!
    BOBBY
    Whoa! Amazing! Look at you! You were so hot!
    Louis gives Bobby a withering glance.
    BOBBY
    I mean, you're still so hot.
    Louis look at them and raises his eyebrows really high up.
    AARON
    Wow your eyebrows go really high up.
    He raises them even higher.
    AARON
    Now they're even higher up.
    BOBBY
    Do any of these other guys still come up here?
    LOUIS
    Oh no. By 1996 I think six of the seven were gone. And I lost track of the other one. Then I bought the house in '99 when I realized that, miraculously, I might actually survive!
    AARON
    Wow. I'm so sorry.
    LOUIS
    What? Oh, thank you. What're you boys up to today?
    BOBBY
    I have a work thing this afternoon.
    AARON
    Then we're just gonna take it easy.
    LOUIS
    Take it easy? You're in P-town! Go out. Have fun! You'll be dead soon. Here's your room.
    Louis opens a door to their room. It has a gorgeous view of the bay.

INT. GUEST HOUSE BATHROOM - LATER
    With the shower on, Aaron injects his butt with a small syringe. Bobby knocks fast, walks in, sees it and runs out.
    BOBBY
    Oh shit - sorry! I thought you were in the shower!
    AARON
    Why are you just walking in here?
    Aaron sighs and looks in the mirror. Bobby knows he saw something he shouldn't.
    AARON
    It's just testosterone.
    BOBBY
    Isn't that dangerous? Like for your liver and balls and stuff?
    AARON
    Nah. Half the guys I know use it.
    BOBBY
    Yeah but half the guys you know are roided out morons.
    AARON
    You don't seem to mind when you're obsessing over my body.
    BOBBY
    Well... Ok. Um, I need to shower.
    Aaron walks out and sits on the bed, embarrassed. Suddenly, he hears Bobby in the shower singing "She's Like the Wind" along to the radio.

EXT. MODERN OCEANSIDE HOUSE - DAY
    Bobby and Aaron approach a lovely beachside house.
    AARON
    You have a really nice voice.
    BOBBY
    What?
    AARON
    I heard you singing in the shower.
    BOBBY
    Well, that's mortifying.
    AARON
    Wait, so, you're asking this guy to donate the remaining 5 million?
    BOBBY
    No way. If I can get one million out of him I'll take it. You don't want to scare anyone off by seeming too needy. Kind of like with you!
    AARON
    Who's Lawrence Grape again?
    BOBBY
    Biggest gay TV producer on the planet. Gay and groundbreaking.
    AARON
    Did he do Modern Family?
    BOBBY
    No he did not do Modern Family.
    AARON
    My mom loves Modern Family. It made her ok with me being gay.
    BOBBY
    Oh god.
    The door flies open to reveal LAWRENCE GRAPE, TV MOGUL. He is ageless and wearing what must be a $20,000 sweat suit that says "SOLANGE WAS HERE?" on it.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    You must be with the museum. Come in!

INT. LAWRENCE GRAPE'S HOUSE - DAY
    Bobby sits across from Lawrence. Aaron sits next to Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Mr. Grape, we're thinking the final wing will be about Lincoln.
    Lawrence is distracted as he excitedly dresses his two puppies in ridiculous pride outifts for the parade. One is an adorable small dog, the other is a very large greyhound.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    Love it, love Lincoln.
    BOBBY
    Few people realize our greatest president was also --
    Lawrence continues to futz with the costumes and the puppies.
    BOBBY
    President. First gay president. Wow look at those outfits.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    I had these made! And several fittings later, here we are! (to the dog) Who's a proud puppy? Who's the proudest puppy? So this is a Lincoln museum?
    Lawrence struggles to put some sort of pride hat and little pride shoes on the dogs.
    BOBBY
    No. It's an LGBTQ museum, the world's first, we spoke last year -
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    That damn bush.
    Lawrence looks past Bobby and Aaron out the window. Bobby and Aaron look behind them at a bush that's growing outside.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    My neighbor planted that fucking bush and it blocks my view. Can you believe that?
    Lawrence abruptly leaves. In the BG we see him walk outside, start to yank on the bush and argue with his neighbor.
    BOBBY
    This is a nightmare. He only cares about putting pride outfits on his dogs.
    AARON
    Ok, from my experience at my job, weird rich people like to be listened to. Maybe ask him what he's interested in.
    BOBBY
    But I don't care what he's interested in! Fuck! Listening. Ok, I'll try it.
    Lawrence returns.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    Boys, I have to get going -
    Beat. Aaron nods at Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Lawrence, tell me - what do you think should go in the museum? It could be anything, anything at all.
    Lawrence thinks. Bobby is about to speak, Aaron stops him.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    The final wing of the museum should be a haunted house of gay trauma.
    BOBBY
    What?
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    You get in a cart on a track and you hear some muted 1950s music, like Richie Valens or something --
    BOBBY
    So this is a ride?
    Aaron puts his hand on Bobby's arm.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    Yeah it's a fucking ride. Unless you think a ride is too much --
    BOBBY
    No, not at all. Tell me more.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    We find ourselves in an intimate little bar with some young animatronic men.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    And the men turn to dance with each other when suddenly BOOM! A cop car smashes through the wall and police show up and there's sirens and batons and voices screaming and the cart takes off roller coaster style and then there's blood everywhere and a monster with Reagan's face chases the cart backwards down the hallway Pirates of the Caribbean style and then boom we shoot out into the light and...it ends happy on like a rainbow or something. Point is we gotta shove people's faces in our trauma. Force them to confront it: this is what it was like being a gay man in the 20th century.
    Bobby doesn't know what to say.
    BOBBY
    A gay trauma-coaster. Very provocative! But I'm not sure we can afford that.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    Ok. Well, it was lovely meeting you-
    AARON
    Mr. Grape - I'm not a creative guy but I am a money guy. And I can tell you to accomplish what you want, we'd need more than a little donation. We need five million dollars. And you won't just get your gay trauma-coaster. You get the Lincoln exhibit, you get all of it. You rewrite history for the entire LGBTQ community. You're a storyteller, Lawrence. And this is the ultimate story.
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    But you already pushed the opening twice. Is this really happening?
    BOBBY
    It's happening! I promise!
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    Five million seems like a low number to rewrite history. I'm in!
    BOBBY
    Oh my god, really??? Thank you!!
    LAWRENCE GRAPE
    Congrats on my money. Happy Pride!

EXT. LAWRENCE GRAPE'S HOUSE
    Bobby and Aaron step out of the house. OH MY GOD AARON! YOU'RE A GENIUS! "You're a storyteller?" Where the hell did that come from?
    AARON
    I told you - I'm good at talking to weird rich folks. It's the only thing I know how to do. I could tell he had more money to spend.
    BOBBY
    Aaron! This is crazy! I don't even know what to say! Thank you! Shit, I'm late! I've gotta get on the float. See you after?
    Bobby kisses Aaron quickly. As Bobby runs off:
    BOBBY
    I kissed you! Are we kissing each other now? I don't know! Bye!

EXT. COMMERCIAL STREET IN PROVINCETOWN - THE PRIDE PARADE
    We're in the middle of the Pride Parade. All 6 Museum board members are on a float to promote the LGBTQ Museum. They are dressed in skin tight, spandex modern dance costumes - full body stockings which cover their heads so only their faces stick out. They begin doing an absurd modern dance on the float as a tribute to black LGBTQ icon Alvin Ailey, which they clearly choreographed themselves. The small float just ahead of theirs is filled with fabulous drag queens in colorful outfits blasting club music and dancing. The float just behind theirs is the Gay Bear float, filled with shirtless, plus-sized gay bears guzzling beers, eating, dancing and getting rowdy as they blast Classic Rock. While doing a particularly feminine looking dance step, Bobby looks down at the crowd and locks eyes with Aaron, who's now tipsy and watching the parade with his friends. Bobby is mortified wearing this deeply unsexy costume. Next to Aaron are 3 young, drunk, Gen Z queer friends, all in costume dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West, complete with green faces etc, all holding phones. They notice Bobby on the float. Aaron overhears them as they snicker.
    WITCH #1
    Ugh, why does Bobby Leiber get to run the gay museum? I can't stand him.
    WITCH #2
    I know. He's so loud and obnoxious. He is way too much. And he's not even cute!
    WITCH #3
    He has no style. If you're gonna be that irritating at least wear cool shoes or a fun sock.
    WITCH #1
    Oh my god you have to tweet that!
    WITCH #3
    No one likes him except for straight people and old queens.
    WITCH #2
    Plus he looks like when Shrek turns back into a human.
    Witch #2 shows them a pic of human Shrek on his phone. It does look like Bobby. They all snicker and cackle. As the witches cackle and laugh, a drunk Aaron butts in.
    AARON
    Hey who the fuck are you guys?
    WITCH #1
    Excuse me? We're the Gay Twitter Witches. Everyone knows us and everyone wants to be us. We have 126,000 followers.
    WITCH #2
    And we're not afraid to tell it like it is while selling makeup.
    AARON
    Do you even know Bobby? He's actually a good person and he works his ass off.
    WITCH #1
    Well he must've worked his ass off cause it's totally flat! And who the fuck are you, you fucking roided out pretty boy?
    WITCH #3
    Oh my god an old white muscle queen who thinks he's still relevant? Is it 1998? Am I watching Third Rock from the Sun?!
    WITCH #2
    You're old!
    A drunk Witch #2 shoves Aaron.
    AARON
    Hey! Don't do that.
    He shoves Aaron again.
    AARON
    I'm warning you -
    WITCH #3
    Bring it on, you do nothing, old, capitalist, cis gay bro-bot!
    Aaron shoves him back. BOBBY AND WANDA ARE now at the front of their float, giving a speech to the crowd.
    BOBBY
    Pride Week is so important, because it's not just a party, it's about solidarity -
    The Gay Twitter Witch shoves Aaron. Aaron shoves him back.
    WANDA
    Today is a day about self-love and about loving and respecting our community -
    The Gay Twitter Witch SLAPS Aaron. Aaron tries to slap back but misses.
    BOBBY
    We may have a long way to go but we've also made so much progress -
    THE GAY TWITTER WITCHES ARE NOW KICKING AARON IN THE SHINS. A SMALL BRAWL BREAKS OUT IN THE CROWD. One of the gay twitter witches calls after security.
    GAY TWITTER WITCH
    Officer please - someone from Gen X just touched me!
    ANGLE ON THE BEAR FLOAT where a bunch of bears eat and grill burgers, hot dogs and ribs. SUDDENLY, A BEAR ON THE BEAR FLOAT NOTICES THE FIGHT
    WANDA
    Most of all we want to say we love you and we've never been so proud!
    ROWDY BEAR
    PRIDE FIGHT!!!!!
    The rowdy drunk bear throws food at Aaron and the gay witches. The drag queens get hit. ANGLE ON THE DRAQ QUEEN FLOAT
    DRAG QUEEN
    Oh we never get to do this. I am so ready for this.
    ANGLE ON A GROUP OF LESBIANS
    LESBIANS
    Oh let's do this. It. Is. On.
    ANGLE ON A GROUP OF GUYS DRESSED AS CUB SCOUTS
    CUB SCOUT GUY
    You heard the bear!
    EVERYONE
    Ahhhhhhh!
    ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE AT THE PRIDE PARADE! Some of the bears are fighting, some of the bears are scared and crying. The bears and drag queens jump off their floats and start fighting in the crowd. ANGLE ON DRAG QUEEN and a BEAR holding each other and sort of fighting awkwardly with one hand while both are filming each other with the other hand.
    BEAR
    I need approval before you post that.
    DRAG QUEEN
    I need approval before you post that!
    The drag queen float stops short and one of the drag queens throws up on an adorable grandma below her chanting "I Love My Gay Son!" (ALT: Chanting "Love is love is love!") ANGLE ON A STRAIGHT FAMILY
    STRAIGHT LIBERAL MOM
    I support you! I support you all!
    PAULA, a lesbian, punches the straight mom. \*
    PAULA \*
    We don't need your support!
    STRAIGHT LIBERAL DAD
    Please don't hurt us! We never watched POSE but wew've supported Billy Porter from afar!
    ANGLE ON A GROUP OF BORED GAYS standing right next to the fighting but completely blase and unfazed.
    BORED GAY
    This is so boring.
    SECOND BORED GAY
    There are not hot guys here.
    BORED GAY
    Shoud we just do our drugs now?
    Drag queens, lesbians and bears all push, shove and throw punches. The bored gays lean in.
    BORED GAY
    Do you know where the house party is? (they ignore him. He leans in again but just as unfazed.) Do you know guys know where the house party is?(he gives up) I'll text Garrettt.
    SECOND BORED GAY
    Should we just do our drugs now?
    ANGLE ON LOUIS AND HIS FRIEND, an OLDER GAY
    OLDER GAY
    I don't understands why these children are fighting. The fight is over - we won!
    LOUIS
    Exactly. Pete Buttigieg proved that gay men can be exactly what gay men have always wanted to be - Secretary of Transportation.
    Bobby and Wanda look down at the crowd and see Aaron in the middle of the fight.
    BOBBY
    Oh my god.
    ROBERT sneaks up on Bobby.
    ROBERT
    Well, well, well...looks like your little boyfriend RUINED PRIDE.
    Wanda's still at the mic talking to the crowd.
    WANDA
    We hope to see you all at the LGBTQ Museum! REPRESENTATION MATTERS!
    Cut back to all the queers in the crowd fighting. Bobby jumps off the float, heads into the crowd and drags Aaron away.
    AARON
    They were making fun of you!
    BOBBY
    Aaron you can't hit people!
    AARON
    Those gay twitter witches hit me first! I was defending you!
    BOBBY
    You were?
    AARON
    Yeah!
    Bobby looks at Aaron, surprised and touched by this.
    BOBBY
    Well, physical violence is never the answer but...thank you.
    Bobby touches Aaron's face softly.
    BOBBY
    Is your head okay?
    Aaron nods.
    BOBBY
    C'mon. Let's go. Fucking Pride.
    The bored gays walk past them.
    SECOND BORED GAY
    Should we just do our drugs now?

EXT. GUEST HOUSE, PRIVATE BEACH - SUNSET
    Aaron comes out of the water. He looks insanely hot. Bobby sits on the beach admiring Aaron as Aaron walks over to him.
    BOBBY
    I still can't believe what you did with Lawrence. That was amazing.
    Aaron shrugs.
    BOBBY
    It's not too late, you know? You could quit your job. You could do anything! Open a chocolate shop!
    AARON
    I'm not quitting my job to open a chocolate shop. I don't have your confidence.
    BOBBY
    I'm not that confident.
    AARON
    You're literally the most confident person I've ever met. Like, to a fault. It's actually scary.
    BOBBY
    Trust me - it's all an act. You think I sing well now? I was even better when I was a kid. Had American Idol existed then I would've been the gay guy with an amazing voice who comes in second.
    Aaron laughs.
    BOBBY
    So then I started taking acting classes and in college my musical theater teacher told me I had a "gay walk" and a "flamboyant quality" which would "limit my options." Then for grad school I went to one of the best journalism schools in the country, and a professor - this closeted queen who was married to a woman - pulled me aside and thought he was doing me a favor when he told me that I should stick to writing because my voice was too gay to do the news on TV. My gay history books? Every single publisher I met with told me there wasn't enough of an audience for it. I was always "too gay" or "too niche" or I made people uncomfortable. And if you hear all of that for years, no matter who you are, you start to worry that maybe it's true. But what else was I going to do? That's who I am! So I just put my head down and I did the work and I just hoped that, somehow, against all odds, all those other people were somehow wrong.
    (beat)
    And they were. Which is why you can't trust anybody.
    Beat.
    BOBBY
    TMI?
    Aaron doesn't respond right away. Then:
    AARON
    Want another beer?
    BOBBY
    Sure.
    Aaron pops open two beers and sits down next to Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Did I weird you out? Was that too much?
    Aaron grabs Bobby and kisses him passionately. MUSIC CUE: "Love and Affection" by Joan Armatrading
    BOBBY
    God I love this song.
    Bobby gets up, closes his eyes and starts doing a strange, stiff dance, only swaying his head while his body is still.
    AARON
    That's an interesting dance.
    BOBBY
    Excuse me? At least I dance!
    AARON
    I can dance.
    BOBBY
    Oh really? I've never seen it.
    Aaron stands close to Bobby. He then starts spastically but passionately flailing his arms and legs to the music, like doing little jabs with them. He is rhythmless but his passion is adorable. Bobby starts to crack up. Aaron's movements get bigger and wilder as he spastically dances around Bobby.
    BOBBY
    And you don't think you have confidence?
    WIDE SHOT of Bobby doing his weird stiff dance while Aaron does his flailing dance around the beach as the sun sets.

A71 INT. GUEST HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT A71
    Bobby and Aaron make sweet love. Aaron is on top. Then suddenly he flips over.
    AARON
    Fuck me.
    BOBBY
    Um, are you sure? When was the last time you did that?
    AARON
    It's been a while. But I want to.
    Bobby flips him over and tops him for the first time. In the throws of passion, Bobby starts singing along to the song we hear underscoring the scene - "SHE'S LIKE THE WIND."
    AARON
    I love your voice but could you maybe not sing during sex?
    They laugh and collapse on each other. OMITTED

EXT. GUEST HOUSE - AFTERNOON
    Aaron and Bobby drive back to NYC. MUSIC CUE: Bette Midler's cover of "Beast of Burden"

INT. WORLD WAR I CARDIO CLASS
    Aaron and Bobby now take the class together. We can tell by the changing colors on the leaves in the park that its now fall. Bobby's the "hurt soldier." Aaron carries him through the class.

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
    Bobby works at his desk. Aaron starts kissing his shoulder.
    BOBBY
    Hon, I can't now. I'm working.
    Aaron walks off. Then, from the corner of frame, a soft penis and balls appear and rest gently on Bobby's shoulder. Bobby turns, startled. Aaron scoops Bobby up romantically.

A 75 EXT. STREET - DAY A 75\*
    Bobby, Aaron, Tina, Edgar and Hannah all trick or treat in \* Minions costumes. Brian is dressed as Freddie Mercury. \*

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT - THANKSGIVING NIGHT
    It's a big Thanksgiving dinner. Bobby's friend group, along with Aaron, eat a big holiday meal. The friends love Aaron.

EXT. STREET - A CHRISTMAS TREE LOT
    Aaron and Bobby struggle carrying a large Christmas tree.

EXT. STREET
    Aaron and Bobby struggle to carry a HUGE 6 ft tall menorah.

A78 INT. THE CHOCOLATE SHOPPE - MANHATTAN A78
    Bobby and Aaron walk through a lovely sweets shop that's decorated for the holidays. They're buying treats for Bobby's holiday party. We see chocolate Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen etc. Aaron points out little chocolates he likes and passionately describes them to Bobby.

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT
    A big holiday party. A crew of handsome gays spill in, including Josh Evans. Aaron and Bobby mingle separately.
    JOSH
    Holy shit! Aaron! What's up man? I was wondering when I'd run into you!
    AARON
    How's it going man? Wow. Congrats on everything.
    JOSH
    Yeah, it's crazy. I met these guys at the gym and they invited me.
    AARON
    Awesome. Glad you're here. What have you been up to?
    JOSH
    I got a new tat today. Just to like, remember this moment. It's the Empire State Building but instead of King Kong, that's me. And in my hand, instead of that lady, I'm holding a smaller me.
    Josh lifts his shirt to show Aaron. Bobby watches from across the room. Josh is ripped. Aaron looks impressed and flexes his bicep to show Aaron his tattoo. Bobby clocks all of this.

INT. BOBBY'S APT. - LATER THAT NIGHT
    Everyone is super drunk now and things are getting rowdy. Two large Santas are making out with each other. Aaron is standing with Josh, waving some mistletoe. He calls Bobby over.
    AARON
    Bobby, come over here.
    A drunk Bobby walks over. Aaron grabs him and they make out.
    AARON
    Josh wants to kiss you too. Don't blame him. It's the mistletoe!!!
    Bobby looks at Josh, who seems like he's into it. Bobby and Josh make out. Then Aaron makes out with Josh. A very short muscular man walks up to them.
    STEVE
    Hi, I'm Steve.
    AARON
    Hi Steve!
    JOSH
    Hi Steve!
    Bobby is not as thrilled about Steve.

INT. BOBBY'S BEDROOM
    A four-way ensues. Aaron is making out with Josh on the bed. Bobby and Steve are awkwardly staring at each other.
    STEVE
    Hey I'll give you a massage if you give me a massage.
    BOBBY
    Uh ok.
    Bobby starts massaging Steve.
    STEVE
    Lower. Lower. Higher. Right there! I got real tight ham strings.
    Bobby finds himself giving Steve an intense sports massage, kneading his thighs like dough.
    STEVE
    Harder please.
    BOBBY
    I am not a professional masseur.
    Bobby looks over and Aaron is now really going at it with Josh.
    BOBBY
    Aaron. Aaron. I think we're done here!
    All of a sudden, Henry bursts in.
    HENRY
    Ignore me! I think my scarf is in here. I cannot lose another scarf!
    BOBBY
    Oh my God!
    All four guys scramble to get under the sheets to hide their naked bodies. Henry looks at Aaron and Bobby in bed and they crack up.

INT. BOBBY'S APT - THE NEXT MORNING
    Bobby and Aaron are hungover and cuddle on the couch. Aaron gets a text from his mom.
    AARON
    Ugh sorry my mom won't stop texting me.
    BOBBY
    When do your folks get here again?
    AARON
    The 21st. She wants to do the whole "magical Christmas in NY" thing. They love sightseeing.
    BOBBY
    Well, if you need me I'll be home alone hate-watching Hallheart Christmas movies. Though if I'm being honest sometimes I'm not sure I'm hate-watching them. I may just be...watching them. I'm only human.
    AARON
    (hesitant)
    Well... would you wanna spend Christmas with me? And...my folks?
    BOBBY
    Really? Are you sure? Cause I'm totally fine alone.
    AARON
    No! You shouldn't be alone. That's crazy.
    BOBBY
    I don't know... Are you sure?
    AARON
    Yeah.
    BOBBY
    Well...ok! Yeah, that would be fun! You're sure?
    AARON
    Yeah. Just don't mention my whole job thing. They're very proud I'm a lawyer.
    BOBBY
    Of course. And no one knows this city better than me! I will plan the ultimate New York Christmas.
    AARON
    Amazing. Just keep in mind my parents are quiet folks from a small town upstate. They're sweet but, you know, just be chill.
    BOBBY
    I can be chill!
    Aaron gives him a look.
    BOBBY
    I promise I won't embarrass you.

EXT. STREET IN NYC - NIGHT
    Bobby shows Aaron's parents and his brother holiday windows.
    BOBBY
    And Mrs. Shepard, those are the first holiday windows to ever feature genderless puppets telling the story of A Christmas Carol. Which is so important. There were never LGBTQ characters in the stories we read as kids. There's no gay Cinderella. There's no lesbian Rapunzel. There's no non- binary Ebenezer Scrooge.
    AARON
    I think they get it.
    ANNE
    New York is so fun. I've always wanted to bring my students here!
    BOBBY
    Jason next time you should bring your kids!
    ANNE
    They were supposed to come but they wanted to stay home with their mom.
    JASON
    Yeah. It's OK.
    Aaron can tell Jason is upset. He makes eye contact with Jason. Jason looks back at him but no one says anything.
    ANNE
    Boys, we have to go! I told Josh Evans we'd meet him at the Hallheart Christmas Movie Pop Up Village!
    AARON
    We're seeing Josh Evans?
    THERE'S A HALLHEART CHRISTMAS MOVIE POP UP VILLAGE???

EXT. HALLHEART CHRISTMAS VILLAGE - LATER
    A pop up "holiday village" in Bryant Park. \*
    ANNE
    This is so beautiful!
    Josh enters wearing shorts in winter like a total psychopath.
    ANNE
    Oh, there's Josh!
    JOSH
    Hey fellas! How's Hallheart Village treatin' ya? You see that gay movie they did? That was kinda dope.
    BOBBY
    Yeah. For years they ignored us. Now their audience has gotten 10% less homophobic so we're a new demographic they can sell shit to. I mean, look at these movies.
    Bobby points at a display with all the Hallheart movie posters.
    BOBBY
    "Have Yourself A Heteronormative Little Christmas." "Homosexual Atheists in Toyland." "It's A Wonderful Life But With Gay Guys." "Home Alone But With Sarah Paulson." "Have Yourself A Merry Little Nas Xmas." And "How the Grinch Stole Chris!" It's pathetic.
    AARON
    I assumed you'd think it was progress?
    BOBBY
    Well I don't.
    AARON'S MOM
    Josh! Come get skates! I want you and Aaron on the ice for old time's sake! Bobby, Aaron and Josh played hockey together in high school!
    Josh heads towards her.
    AARON
    Can't you take it down a notch?
    BOBBY
    What're you talking about?
    AARON
    We've only been with my parents two hours and you've already mentioned transgender mannequins, HIV prevention and you pointed out the route for the 1976 Dyke March.
    BOBBY
    They're fine. What is your problem?
    AARON
    I'm nervous ok? I've never introduced them to anyone. I don't want them to get weirded out. I just wanna have like a chill, normal time.
    BOBBY
    I'm just being myself.
    AARON
    Well can you maybe be a little bit less of yourself? Just for like 3 hours? I want them to like you.
    BOBBY
    (hurt but covering)
    Oh. Ok. Sure. I'll just...be quiet.
    PETER
    BOBBY!!! Oh my god, hi!!!
    Suddenly they all turn around and PETER, PAUL, AND MARTY are walking towards them holding hands. \*
    AARON
    (under his breath)
    Oh Jesus Christ.
    BOBBY
    We should go. We have a reservation.
    AARON
    Where's dinner again?

INT. THEME RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    A very flamboyant singing waiter is finishing up belting out "I'M FLYING" from Peter Pan either on a small stage or in between the tables at a restaurant where the servers sometimes break out into song.
    SINGING WAITER
    (singing to a track)
    "I'm flying...look at me, way up high, suddenly here I am, I'm flyyyyinggggg!"
    The diners including Aaron's family applauds.
    AARON
    How're the Polar Bears doing, dad?
    (to Bobby)
    That's the team Josh and I were on.
    Bobby smiles and nods. He doesn't seem like himself. He's clearly trying hard to seem quiet and not say much.
    BRUCE
    Haven't won all year. I told Josh they need you boys to come back!
    They all laugh. Bobby puts on the weird "polite" smile again and nods without making sound.
    ANNE
    Bobby, you seem quiet tonight. Is everything alright?
    BOBBY
    Me? Oh yes I'm fine. I'm sorry, I hope I didn't talk too much today. This is actually how I usually am. I'm very quiet.
    BOBBY
    Very quiet and just very, very normal. Most people think I'm straight.
    Aaron sighs. His parents are confused but laugh politely.
    ANNE
    Well, thank you again for planning such a lovely day. It was perfect.
    BOBBY
    You're so welcome, Mrs. Shepard.
    ANNE
    But you have to stop calling me Mrs. Shepard. You sound like one of my students! Call me Anne.
    BOBBY
    Ok I will!
    AARON
    Mom's been teaching 2nd grade for almost 40 years now.
    BOBBY
    That's so great. Good teachers are so important, now more than ever.
    ANNE
    Thank you, I agree! And Aaron says you're working in an American History Museum?
    BOBBY
    Well...yes. Yes it is. It's an American History Museum.
    Bobby takes a sip of his drink.
    BOBBY
    Well, specifically, it's an LGBTQ History Museum. It's actually the first major queer history museum in America. Do you teach your students any gay history? I know in a few states they're finally teaching it.
    ANNE
    Well I teach 2nd grade so, no.
    BOBBY
    Ah. Right. I see.
    Bobby takes a sip of his drink.
    BOBBY
    Out of curiosity, why not?
    ANNE
    Well, second grade - I think they're a little young for that. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure that history is fascinating, I just think that's a little young.
    BOBBY
    Right, right. I understand.
    (beat)
    I don't think so though.
    AARON
    Bobby.
    BOBBY
    If I may disagree. Respectfully. Honestly that's the best time to teach them - when they're young. That way they have an appreciation for LGBT people before they start bullying each other or hating themselves if they're gay.
    ANNE
    Well, maybe you're right.
    Anne takes a sip of her drink.
    ANNE
    Feels a little young though.
    BOBBY
    Oh totally. I get it.
    Bobby takes a sip of his drink.
    BOBBY
    It's not though. You should think about it. Illinois passed a law that mandates LGBT history be taught in elementary schools. So did New Jersey.
    ANNE
    Oh I know, dear. It just - it just feels a little young.
    BOBBY
    I understand. I'll drop it! Agree to disagree!
    ANNE
    Cheers to that!
    They all laugh and clink glasses.
    BOBBY
    It's not really that young though. It's not that young.
    AARON
    Can you please drop this?
    BOBBY
    Well no I can't. We're talking about gay kids here, it's important. Look at the things we teach kids all the time. We keep gay people a secret to 5 year olds but they literally know everything about mermaids??
    AARON
    Oh my God.
    BOBBY
    I'm telling you - one of the things that saved me is that my parents exposed me to gay stories when I was young. When I was 12 years old we saw a Broadway play called "Love and Compassion" about gay men spending a summer on Fire Island. And all of a sudden the curtain goes up and there are 7 completely naked gay men on stage. There I am at age 12 - sitting in between my mom and dad - looking at 7 soft penises. And it. was. wonderful. And then two men start kissing. And then they start talking dirty. At one point one of them yelled out "Pound my prostate! Pound my prostate!" - Anne, I swear I didn't even know what that was! But it was amazing. It had a profound effect on me. To know that I could sit there with my parents and see seven soft penises - seven penises, Anne - I was 12 - and to know my parents were ok with that?
    BOBBY
    My point is, we need to remove the stigma from all of this so gay kids can feel good about themselves. I mean, look at Aaron and how much he hates his life-
    AARON
    Bobby -
    BOBBY
    I'm just saying, there is a direct correlation between how unhappy you are and what you didn't learn about your potential as a child -
    AARON
    Bobby. What is wrong with you? He's just performing. This is what he does.
    BOBBY
    Performing? This is the truth about gay kids, some of whom are in your class, Anne. We're all accountable!
    AARON
    Enough. Seriously. I will kill you.
    ANNE (V.O.)
    (with real worry and concern)
    Aaron - you hate your life?
    Suddenly waiters start to sing the "RAMA LAMA LAMA" bridge from "We Go Together" from Grease while they dance joyously around the table, circling the family.

EXT. THEME RESTAURANT - NIGHT.
    Bobby and Aaron wave goodbye as the parents drive off.
    BOBBY
    Well your brother's a real chatterbox.
    Aaron remains silent. He hails a cab.
    BOBBY
    Hey. Are you mad?
    AARON
    (clearly mad)
    Me? Nah. I'm great. Josh is texting me. I'm gonna go to this bar.
    BOBBY
    I think we should talk about this.
    AARON
    Oh you wanna talk more?
    BOBBY
    I think it's more important than going to party with Josh the Self Loathing Giant who took 35 years to come out.
    AARON
    Not everyone's you, Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Ok but 35 years? My god, J.R.R. Tolkien took less time with his journey.
    AARON
    God, you are fucking relentless.
    Aaron gets in a cab and slams the door as it drives off.
    BOBBY
    Fuck!!!
    Bobby paces. He jumps in a cab and follows Aaron.

INT. GAY BAR
    Bobby walks through the bar but can't find Aaron.

EXT. GAY BAR ALLEY
    Josh and Aaron are in an alley outside the bar. They're drunk and kinda flirty. Josh tries to kiss him. Aaron pulls away.
    AARON
    Whoa whoa whoa -
    Josh tries again. This time Aaron lets it happen.

EXT. GAY BAR ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
    Bobby walks outside and sees Aaron and Josh making out.
    BOBBY
    Aaron! What the fuck are you doing?
    Aaron pulls away from Josh.
    AARON
    Oh shit. Bobby it's nothing, we were just playing around.
    BOBBY
    You were just playing around? What the fuck is wrong with you??
    JOSH
    This is my fault. I'm sorry man. I kissed him. It's not his -
    GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!! Josh stumbles away.
    BOBBY
    What the hell are you doing?
    AARON
    Bobby, calm down.
    BOBBY
    My God I was so fucking stupid! I knew it from the beginning and I tried to tell myself it wasn't true! Cause I see the guys you look at Aaron! All these wannabe straight fucking bros, at the club, in the park. Everywhere we go. Josh? Fucking Josh??
    AARON
    That's not true-
    BOBBY
    Then just go be with them Aaron! If that's what you want. But I will not let you drag me into this any further and I will not let you break my heart. I am too smart for that.
    AARON
    Bobby! God! Let me speak! You think you're so perfect? You think you never do anything wrong? Why did you say that shit about me in front of my parents? I begged you not to embarrass me. But you couldn't help yourself! What is wrong with you?
    BOBBY
    Oh don't turn this around on me. This is all on you. "Tone it down, Bobby." "Take it down a notch, Bobby." "Can't you just be a little bit less of yourself?" Fuck you. How dare you. You don't think I know what that means? You don't think I know what that's code for? You don't think I've heard that my whole fucking life? I didn't come this far just to have a self- loathing sad aging frat boy tell me I'm embarrassing. All of a sudden I embarrass you? I will not apologize for who I am. I will leave that to you.
    AARON
    Oh my God Bobby I am so sick of this whole self-righteous act. Stop being so fucking dramatic. I wasn't asking you to "change who you are." I was just asking you to be sensitive about my insecurities in front of my parents. And yes I know that's pathetic for a 38 year old man but I'm a fucking human ok? And I just wanted you to be a little understanding. But no - you had to turn it into The Bobby Show and make it about you like you always do. Who does that? I got drunk and kissed an old friend behind a bar. I'm not saying it was right. And I'm sorry. But don't act so virtuous because you're just a selfish mess like the rest of us.
    BOBBY
    But what exactly were you so embarrassed by today? Huh? That's what I want to know. That I talked about what I do? That I sound the way I sound?
    BOBBY
    That I couldn't keep up with you and Josh during your little hockey game? Or that no matter how much you like me I am still not as hot to you as a real man? Isn't that right Aaron? Just fucking say it because I already know.
    Aaron doesn't respond. Bobby is devastated.
    BOBBY
    I can't believe I trusted you. Simple men. With bad taste. Never trust them.
    AARON
    You can trust me -
    BOBBY
    It's fine. I'm fine. But you are who you are, Aaron. You like what you like. And I know how this ends. And it does not end well for me. And we don't have to put each other through this. Isn't that the great thing about being guys like you and me? Because I have never needed this. Until now. And I am mad at you for making me want it.
    Bobby starts to walk off.
    BOBBY
    Look, maybe we're just not relationship people. I guess we knew that. It's ok. We tried.
    Bobby starts to walk away, fighting back tears. As he does a man approaches with a clipboard.
    PRODUCER
    Bobby, I'm so sorry but do you mind signing this release?
    BOBBY
    Wait, what? Release for what?
    PRODUCER
    There are cameras here. We're filming a new Netflix series.
    PRODUCER
    It's called "Dude, Where's My Dude?" It's like "Dude Where's My Car" but instead of looking for a car we follow these hot, recently out male athletes looking for love with other hot recently out male athletes. We're following Josh Evans in this episode.
    BOBBY
    Are you fucking kidding me? Get the fuck out of here!! You're filming Josh Evans? You think it's hard to be gay for 6 weeks? Try being gay for 40 fucking years!!!
    A camera crew rushes up to Bobby. He pushes them away and storms off.

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT - NEW YEAR'S EVE
    A sad, disheveled Bobby is curled up watching TV. The apt is a mess. Empty pizza boxes, whiskey, and candles from a menorah melted on to a copy of GAY LINCOLN.
    HALLHEART TV ANNOUNCER
    "And now, Hallheart proudly presents our first polyamorous holiday film, "A Holly, Poly Christmas."
    On TV, 7 lovers stand on a pretty, Christmas-y street.
    POLYAMOROUS MAN
    Look! It's snowing! It's snowing on all 7 of us!!!
    The 7 lovers on TV all embrace. Bobby tears up. He switches to watching a Queer Eye makeover and now sobs uncontrollably.
    BOBBY
    What is happening to me???
    But Queer Eye gives him an idea...

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
    Bobby FaceTimes with Henry.
    BOBBY
    I want steroids.
    HENRY
    What? No you don't. You're insane.
    BOBBY
    I just want to try it!
    HENRY
    Bobby -
    BOBBY
    I keep working out but I don't get bigger! I wanna be big.
    HENRY
    But how big do you wanna be?
    BOBBY
    I wanna be big like The Rock. I wanna be so big people think I'm headed back to Jumanji. I wanna be fucking HUGE.
    HENRY
    You know steroids don't make you big on their own, right? You still have to work out and you can't miss the window.
    BOBBY
    I know! Let's do it!!!

INT. BOBBY'S BATHROOM - DAY
    Bobby's nervous to give himself the steroid injection. He closes his eyes and jabs the needle in. It hurts.

INT. CRUNCH GYM - LATER THAT DAY
    Bobby sees Joel about to bench press. He walks over to introduce himself but loses his confidence. In SLO-MO, Bobby turns his baseball cap around to look more like a BRO. Bobby changes his personality and does a fake, deep, bro-y voice.
    JOEL
    Sup.
    BOBBY
    Sup.
    There are two 45 lb plates on the bar. Joel loads up six more plates, way more than Bobby could possibly help him with.
    JOEL
    Can you spot me bro?
    Joel lies down under the bar and starts to strain on the bar.
    JOEL
    Gonna need some help here, bro.
    Bobby strains, turning red, as he attempts to lift the bar.
    BOBBY
    Yeah bro. I got it, bro.
    This is rapidly turning into a slow motion emergency, where NEITHER Bobby nor Joel can lift the bar.
    JOEL
    Gonna need some help bro.
    BOBBY
    (to a passive stranger)
    Gonna need some help here, bro.
    No one stops. Then, using all possible strength, Joel verrrrrrrry slowly lifts the bar up onto the rack while Bobby grunts along with him. They both catch their breath, then:
    JOEL
    So... hope you don't mind me asking this but...you wanna get a juice?
    BOBBY
    Fuck yeah bro. Love juice.

INT. JOEL'S APARTMENT - LATER
    PAN FROM half empty juices to Bobby and Joel hooking up. Joel's apt is full of Rangers memorabilia. They finish.
    JOEL
    Would you, uh, wanna hang out sometime? Maybe watch a game?
    Bobby accidentally drops the bro voice and speaks normally.
    BOBBY
    Um, oh yeah, sure, I'll give you my number.
    JOEL
    Whoa. What the fuck happened to your voice?
    BOBBY
    Oh shit. So, um, I'm sorry, I know this is really weird. When I walked up to you, I just kinda did this voice. To see what you would think. But it's not my real voice. I'm so sorry, I know that's really weird.
    JOEL
    Holy Shit. Dude are you a serial killer? Are you gonna fucking kill a bro right now?
    BOBBY
    No, no, I'm not killing a bro, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I'll just get my clothes and go, so sorry.
    JOEL
    You need to leave right now.
    Bobby starts frantically putting on clothes.
    BOBBY
    Ok. But one question. If I had used my real voice, when I came up to you, would you have been attracted to me?
    JOEL
    Wow. That's really sad. But yeah. I think so. Always thought you were cute in the locker room.
    As he walks out, Bobby walks past a Barbra Streisand poster.
    BOBBY
    Streisand?
    JOEL
    Of course. I love her. Streisand fucking rules.
    BOBBY
    Oh. Ok. I'm so sorry. Goodbye.

INT. BOBBY'S APARTMENT - DAY
    Bobby gives himself another steroid shot. Again, he screams. He gets a text: EMERGENCY MEETING. LINCOLN EXHIBIT DEAD.

INT. MUSEUM, LINCOLN EXHIBIT - DAY
    A manic Bobby charges into a chaotic meeting where the board and other museum employees are discussing replacing the Lincoln exhibit. Movers are carrying out a Lincoln statue.
    BOBBY
    What are you doing? NO! STOP!!!
    WANDA
    Bobby! The Lincoln exhibit is cancelled. People are threatening a boycott. They're pulling donations. There's simply not enough proof!
    BOBBY
    You wanna put Lincoln back in the closet? FINE! I'll put him back in the fucking closet!
    Bobby wrestles the statue away from the movers and throws Abraham Lincoln in a closet. He slams the closet shut.
    BOBBY
    Are you happy now? Abraham Lincoln is back in the closet where you want him to be! I'm on steroids!
    CHERRY
    Get a hold of yourself, Bobby!
    TAMARA
    Bobby, calm down and let's move on. Angela and I have proposed that the final exhibit be called Post-Gay.
    BOBBY
    Post-Gay???
    ANGELA
    Just being "gay" is old news.
    TAMARA
    Exactly! This will be a tribute to bisexuals, non-binary people, intersex people, asexuals, aromantics, polyamorous couples and open marriages. No boring, heteronormative gay people. All the possibilities. It's so exciting!
    BOBBY
    What? So now I'm too gay for Aaron but I'm too straight for you? What do you want? Should I just be some big flaming queen you can laugh at and not take seriously? Or maybe I should just pretend I'm straight so guys will want to fuck me? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME EXACTLY HOW GAY I'M SUPPOSED TO BE! I mean, you won't even let poor Abraham Lincoln be gay now??
    WANDA
    Because he wasn't gay, Bobby!
    ROBERT
    HE WAS BI!
    BOBBY
    Ok ENOUGH! You need Lincoln to be straight! You need Lincoln to be bi! Why can't he just be gay? You wanna know why? Because you don't want to be gay, Robert! You're trying to hold on to some bullshit shred of masculinity!
    ROBERT \*
    (hurt) \*
    Are you serious? \*
    WANDA \*
    Once again our love stories are being erased from the record! Which is one of the reasons we're so fucked up when it comes to love! If you can't see it, you can't be it! You know who said that?
    CHERRY
    Buddha?
    BOBBY
    No! Gayle King! You wanna get rid of our stories, fine! Let's get rid of them! I have roid rage!
    In a swift move, Bobby grabs a gay pride flag and flips the flagpole over like a weapon. Next to him is a bust of Pete Buttigieg. He raises the flagpole as if he's about to demolish the statue.
    ANGELA
    Bobby, NO!
    Angela and Cherry grab the gay pride flag. They fight over it \* in the world's gayest tug of war. Angela yanks it hard, it rips in two, sending Bobby tumbling to the ground.
    WANDA
    Angela and the lesbians, HOLD HIM DOWN!
    Angela and the lesbians run and pin Bobby to the ground.
    CHERRY
    You're on steroids?
    ANGELA
    You can't tell.
    BOBBY
    You're all fired!
    WANDA
    You can't fire us. It's a nonprofit!
    ANGELA
    You know what? I don't need this shit!
    CHERRY
    Me neither! Lesbians, disperse!
    ANGELA
    You think kids are gonna wanna come here? No one likes museums! They're boring as shit! Why would I go to a fucking museum when I can sit in my living room, put on my VR goggles and instantly be living in Tokyo? So as long as we're all airing our grievances can I be honest? I hate the museum and I really fucking hate storytelling!
    There are GASPS in the crowd when Angela says she hates storytelling. And maybe whispers amongst the crowd of "She said she hates storytelling! and "She doesn't like telling stories!"
    ANGELA
    We have too many goddamn stories! All we do is tell stories! Read stories, watch stories! Watch documentaries about the making of a story! History turns into a story which turns into some exhausting thinkpiece about the story which gets read more than the actual story itself! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it all! I'm sick of reading things and I'm sick watching things! Maybe the final wing should be a big empty room where people can go to just shut the fuck up! I don't want to tell stories!
    ANGELA
    I just want to live! DOESN'T ANYBODY JUST WANT TO LIVE?!
    Angela storms out.
    WANDA/CHERRY/TAMARA/ROBERT
    Yeah! I quit!/Me too!/Enough is enough!
    They all leave.
    BOBBY
    Good! LEAVE! All of you! I don't need anyone! I'll open this place alone if I have to! I'll do it all alone!!! Shit! My window! My workout window!

INT. FITNESS CLASS - "CANDLELIGHT CROSSFIT." - DAY
    Bobby runs to meet his friends at a late night Crossfit class lit by candlelight. He is a broken man.
    HENRY
    Oh my God - are you okay?
    BOBBY
    No, Henry. No I'm not. I lost it all. The board quit which means we're not going to make our opening which means donors are going to pull their funding which means the entire museum is going to fall apart. All because I tried to be a bro and I have roid rage.
    HENRY
    Roid rage? You only did steroids twice.
    BOBBY
    Henry, you don't understand.
    (Bobby starts crying)
    I have roid rage.
    HENRY
    Bobby, people with roid rage aren't openly weeping. Sweetheart, Aaron broke your heart so you're falling apart.
    BOBBY
    That's not it. My heart is fine. I'm fine. I'm like you. I don't need a relationship and I tried to have one and it didn't work because I'm not a relationship person and I'm better on my own.
    HENRY
    No Bobby, you're not like me at all because I'm happy right now and you're miserable.
    BOBBY
    I wasn't until I met Aaron!
    PETER
    You were unhappy then too. That's why you judge people so harshly. Like you judged us. You try to act like you don't need anyone but clearly you do. It's ok. You're human. Technically.
    PAUL
    Of course the board walked out. Because you don't trust anyone else's point of view. You don't think about where they're coming from. Maybe they just got scared. Maybe, just maybe, not everything is a personal attack on you.
    BOBBY
    Oh my God. Maybe you're right. Maybe...you're right and...I'm wrong? Is that even possible?
    MARTY
    Of course they're right. That's why I love them.
    HENRY
    If I were you, I'd go back to the board, apologize profusely and really listen to what they have to say. Before something else you love passes you by.
    BOBBY
    I love you boys. Thank you.
    They hug. Then all of their phones ding. They look down.
    BOBBY
    OH MY GOD THE BABIES! WE GOTTA GO,

INT. HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD - DAY
    CUE SONG: "Love is Simple" by KD LANG. Bobby watches from the sidelines as everyone takes turns holding the adorable triplets. He misses Aaron. He's the only one who feels alone.

INT. HOSPITAL CHAPEL - DAY
    Bobby walks by a hospital chapel with stained glass windows. He gets an idea.

INT. MUSEUM BOARDROOM - THE NEXT DAY
    BOBBY
    I brought cookies from Levain. And brownies that are vegan. And crudités for the diabetics among us.
    CHERRY
    Get to it.
    ROBERT
    The clock is ticking.
    WANDA
    Now in the interest of empathy, I said we'd hear him out. But I do have a hard out in twenty, Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Look, I know I've been a very angry, judgmental person. Now, anger can be good sometimes. For years it was the fuel I needed to keep going -
    CHERRY
    I'm bored.
    BOBBY
    When I was starting out, I'd get upset when I saw another gay man succeed, not because I didn't think they were worthy, but because I thought it meant there wouldn't be room for me. It wasn't that long ago the straight world didn't allow for that many of us to really succeed in a big way -
    TAMARA
    Oh my god, remember straight people?
    ANGELA
    Yeah. That was a cute moment.
    BOBBY
    So I decided I'd be the most determined, the strongest, the loudest, the least penetrable and I would just steamroll over everyone, and, over time, that turned me into this self-centered, angry, control freak. But the truth is, this is the only community that I love being a part of. You're my people - and we fight like crazy and we always have - but you're my people, and I'm very sorry I was so rude and that I talked down to you. I should've shown you more respect. There is no group of people I love and respect more. That's the truth. And I'm just very embarrassed and I'm so, so sorry.
    ROBERT
    Man, that shit you said about me -
    BOBBY
    Especially to you, Robert. Here's the thing - when I was growing up, sometimes guys said they were bi to avoid admitting they were gay. It was a way of hiding, a way of holding on to their masculinity in order to save face or something.
    BOBBY
    I don't want young gay boys to think they can't just be gay, if that's what they really are. I just want them to know that's ok. That's all I've ever wanted.
    ROBERT
    I understand that, and of course I want that too! But times have changed, man. Things don't have to be black and white. Life is short, Bobby. I'm not going to deprive myself of love just to fit into your limited understanding of the world. And that's not me hiding, I'm not ashamed, this is just who I am. And it hurts when someone tries to tell me who the fuck I am. Especially someone who is supposed to be on my side.
    BOBBY
    You're right. And I'm so sorry. And you shouldn't have had to explain all of that. But I appreciate it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you.
    Wanda stands up. Gives Bobby a good hard look.
    WANDA
    Bobby, I want you to know that I hear you. And... I forgive you.
    BOBBY
    You do?
    Wanda looks at Cherry.
    CHERRY
    Yeah, me too. You can be a self centered prick but I guess we should give you a chance to redeem yourself.
    TAMARA
    I was never that upset with you to begin with. It's been fun watching you melt down actually!
    Everyone looks at Robert for his response.
    ROBERT
    Well, I give you credit for owning up to your hypocritical bullshit. Most people are too proud to do that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm still angry. But if we just keep fighting that's all we're ever doing. And I insist on progress. Not just for our LGBTQ heroes but for our LGBTQ assholes too. Like you. So... I forgive you Bobby.
    BOBBY
    Thank you so much, Robert. I know I don't deserve this. Thank you.
    CHERRY
    How about you Angela? You still hate museums? Are you still gonna quit this place to go out and live your life?
    ANGELA
    Well, I realized that in order to live my life, I need health insurance. So yeah, I'll come back. \*
    WANDA
    Well then, we should probably discuss the final exhibit. And may I remind you we open in two weeks!
    BOBBY
    I had a thought actually.
    ROBERT
    Oh here we go.
    CHERRY
    That didn't take long!
    BOBBY
    No. It's not my idea. It's actually inspired by what you all said. It's about love and hope and freedom and history but mostly it's about... (Bobby looks at Tamara) all the possibilities.
    Tamara takes out her airpods. Reveal she's been listening to \* music. \*
    TAMARA \*
    Sorry, what? \*
    BOBBY \*
    Consider this just the beginning of \* the conversation.
    Bobby rolls out presentation materials. They smile at them.
    ANGELA
    I have some ideas too!
    BOBBY
    Yes please! Bring it on. Let's bring all the ideas on.

INT. GAY CLUB - NIGHT
    Aaron and Josh hang at a club. Aaron shouts over the music.
    AARON
    Did you read that Atlantic article about the gender binary being a relatively new construct?
    JOSH EVANS
    Nah. Dude there are so many guys here I can't focus. Wanna dance?
    AARON
    No, I'm good. Not much of a dancer. But you go have fun.
    Josh dances off. Aaron is alone. He looks around and realizes it's not the same without Bobby. He opens Instagram and sees that Bobby's at the same club. Aaron confronts Bobby.
    AARON
    Hey. Can we talk?

EXT. GAY CLUB - NIGHT
    Bobby sits down on a bike in a row of stationary Citibikes. Aaron sits down on one across from him.
    BOBBY
    What's up?
    AARON
    Bobby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Bobby. I was angry and I got caught up in the moment. It wasn't right. And I should've never asked you not to be yourself. That was awful. I just panicked.
    BOBBY
    Are you still hanging out with him? You must've hooked up with him.
    AARON
    No. Not at all. He's really sweet but... he's really stupid. Gay guys can be really stupid remember?
    BOBBY
    How could I forget?
    AARON
    I miss you so much. I know I fucked up. But this is new for me too.
    AARON
    And you blew up in front of my parents and I was embarrassed. And angry. And, to be honest, it felt like you were doing it on purpose.
    BOBBY
    I was. And I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. I shouldn't have handled it like that. But that doesn't change the fact that you are infatuated with a certain type of guy - and that isn't me.
    AARON
    Look, you're right - I always pictured myself with a guy like -
    BOBBY
    Like Josh.
    AARON
    Yes. A guy like Josh.
    BOBBY
    He's hot. Very symmetrical.
    AARON
    He is hot. And yes, very symmetrical. Too symmetrical. Simple. Conventional. Basic as hell. Not someone that actually makes me happy. My whole life I've always done what I thought I should do, never what I want to do. Never what really made me happy. And you - you are very different for me. You're not afraid to take up space in the world - and you challenge me - which at the beginning freaked me out because who the hell wants to be challenged? - but I love it. You're what's been missing. I know I fucked up but please accept my apology and give me another chance. Please. I miss you so much.
    BOBBY
    I miss you too. A lot. I didn't realize until after we broke up that there were actually a few months there where I was - what do they call it - "in a good mood?"
    Aaron smiles and puts his hand on Bobby's knee. Bobby puts his hand on Aaron's hand gently.
    BOBBY
    But no. I can't. I'm sorry. My whole life I've prided myself on being self-aware and self- reliant and self-possessed. And it didn't matter. Because at the end of the day, I just ended up in the street looking at you and Josh and thinking "I'm not enough for him." That is not who I am.
    AARON
    Bobby, I'm sorry. I feel awful. But don't throw this away because of one mistake! That's crazy!
    BOBBY
    I don't know what to tell you.
    AARON
    Say you'll give me another chance!
    BOBBY
    I can't.
    AARON
    Why not?
    BOBBY
    Because I don't trust you.
    AARON
    I love you.
    BOBBY
    I love you too. You made me realize that maybe I am just another basic bitch who wants some love in his life. As much as I hate to admit it.
    AARON
    I know! And I'm here. You're gonna ignore that and punish us forever? I mean, what are we gonna do?
    BOBBY
    I don't know. Go back to our lives I guess?
    BOBBY
    I have to go open "America's first gay history museum" remember? The board decided the final wing should be above love. The one subject I don't know a goddamn thing about.
    MUSIC CUE: "Love and Affection" by Joan Armatrading. They sit in silence on their stationary Citibikes as we get a wide shot of them against the dark city sky. Bobby gets up. He looks back at Aaron. Aaron stares back. Bobby walks away.
    AARON
    Hey!
    Bobby looks back at him. Aaron has tears in his eyes.
    AARON
    If you don't trust me, that's fine. But if for some reason, under all that strength and all that confidence, you still don't trust that you're lovable enough, I'm here to tell you I am living proof that you're wrong.
    Bobby takes that in, a bit taken aback by how much Aaron understands him. But he turns and walks away.

A102 INT. THE LGBTQ SENIOR CENTER - MANHATTAN - DAY A102\*
    A common room at a community center for LGBTQ senior citizens. A group of 3 elderly adorable old queens sit around on chairs and gossip. Aaron walks in arm in arm with Melvin Funk, who clearly doesn't want to be there.
    MELVIN FUNK
    I'm not leaving my money to these old queens.
    AARON
    I told you that's not why we're here.
    MELVIN FUNK
    Then why are we here?
    AARON
    Because, Mr Funk, it's never too late to make friends.
    MELVIN FUNK
    Oh, take me home!
    Just then, Melvin and Aaron walk past the three old queens and listen to them gossiping.
    ROGER
    Well if they ever do the movie version of the Sunset Blvd musical, it has to be Glenn Close!
    JERRY
    Well Glenn would commit suicide if it wasn't her but I'd rather see Cher.
    MAX
    I think Meryl would be good.
    Melvin can't help himself and chimes in.
    MELVIN FUNK
    No, no, no, you're all wrong. Two words: Diana. Ross.
    ROGER/JERRY/MAX
    Oh I love that!/That's brilliant!/ That's genius!
    Melvin yanks himself away from Aaron, pulls up a chair and starts gossiping with the queens. Suddenly, an even older queer person who's sitting in a chair nearby calls after Aaron.
    COLMAN
    Son, what's your name?
    AARON
    I'm Aaron.
    COLMAN
    Hi Aaron. I'm Colman Yiddlesworth.
    AARON
    Hello Mr. Yiddlesworth.
    COLMAN
    Can I ask you a question Aaron? Will you hold my hand? You're very cute.
    AARON
    I'm not sure I'm allowed to do that sir.
    COLMAN
    Oh do an old faggot a favor and hold my hand! You've got your whole life ahead of you! I'm fading fast! We only go around once, sugarbutt.
    Aaron smiles and reaches out his hand. Colman takes it and squeezes it gently. After a beat, Colman playfully slaps Aaron's butt.
    AARON
    Now Mr. Yiddlesworth that isn't appropriate.
    COLMAN
    I'm a 92 year old non-binary pansexual. Cancel me.
    Aaron laughs and sit down next to Colman. They sit there in silence holding hands. It's sweet and a little sad.

AB102 INT. AARON'S BEDROOM AB102\*
    Aaron sit in his bed, scrolling through photos of his phone \* of him and Bobby. He eats chocolates out of a box. After \* looking through some photos, he looks down at the chocolates \* and has a realization. \*

B102 INT. AARON'S OFFICE B102
    Aaron sits across from his assistant ready to have a heart to heart.
    AARON
    Hey. So, I'm sorry to spring this on you out of nowhere but I've decided to quit. The truth is, I need to follow my passion. Life is short and if I don't do it now, I'll never do it. So I need to try, no matter how scary that is. I hope you understand.
    ASSISTANT
    Ok. Honestly I've worked here for 3 weeks so this really won't have much of an impact on me. I'm not even sure I'm the one you're supposed to tell?
    AARON
    Ok. Well, thanks.

INT. BOBBY'S APT - NEXT DAY
    Bobby looks at guys on GRINDR. He gets a text from Aaron.
    AARON TEXT
    GUESS WHO QUIT HIS JOB TODAY?
    Bobby starts to write back but stops himself. He throws his remaining steroids and syringes away. '

A103 INT. AARON'S APT. - DAY A103
    Aaron's in his kitchen experimenting with making little chocolates. The kitchen is covered in chocolate, ribbon, bows, string and that sort of thing. EXT THE CHOCOLATE SHOPPE - DAY Aaron walks into the small chocolate shop he and Bobby visited together at Christmas.

INT. THE CHOCOLATE SHOPPE - DAY
    Aaron is talking to the OWNER of the shop and pitching him an idea. Aaron seems very passionate as he pitches his vision.

A105 INT. THE CHOCOLATE SHOPPE - LATER A105
    Aaron has been given a small corner of the Chocolate Shoppe to sell his uniquely designed chocolates and treats. The display is in honor of the LGBTQ Museum opening soon. Aaron has created little chocolates and treats as a tribute to various LGBTQ cultural icons, including a chocolate Billie Jean King and cookies with very serious looking faces on them made out of frosting including Rachel Maddow, Larry Kramer, Frank Ocean, Laverne Cox, Kristin Stewart, Megan Rapinoe, Wanda Sykes, Jim Parsons and a gingerbread Elliot Page. He takes a selfie in front of the display and texts it to Bobby. Aaron films a video on his phone to show Bobby his chocolate \* display. \*
    AARON \*
    Hey Bobby. So, I wanted you to be \* the first person to see this! \* Welcome to Aaron Shepard's \* Chocolate Factory. I made some \* little chocolates. And these are \* some special treats I made to \* celebrate the opening of the \* Museum! These are Harvey Milk Duds; \* this is the first brick thrown at \* Stonewall made out of red velvet \* cake; \*
    AARON
    instead of a Valentine's Day heart \* filled with chocolates we have this \* Pink "Silence equals death" \* Triangle filled with chocolates. \* Plus we have cookies featuring \* LGBTQ icons, a gingerbread Eliot \* Page, and a tribute to my favorite \* gay character from TV, TiramaSusan \* from Friends. Ok bye. \*

INT. BOBBY'S APT. - SAME DAY
    Bobby gets Aaron's text. He is shocked but puts the phone down and doesn't reply.

INT. AARON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
    Aaron and Jason play a duck hunting video game together in silence. Aaron is clearly upset but not saying much.
    JASON
    Dude thanks for letting me crash here. I know Mom forced you to invite me but...it's cool of you.
    AARON
    Yeah. Sure.
    JASON
    You ok, bro? Aaron? Yo!
    AARON
    What? Yeah. Fine. Happy as fuck.
    They play silently until a bottled up Aaron needs to talk.
    AARON
    I mean, there was that guy but whatever. It's over. I'm fine.
    Jason's surprised Aaron's bringing this up but plays it cool.
    JASON
    Oh. Yeah. Totally. Dude, these ducks drive me fucking nuts!
    AARON
    That's all you're going to say?
    JASON
    What do you want me to say?
    AARON
    How about "Hey Aaron, how you holding up? Have you seen him? Have you spoken to him?" Or any of the other questions normal people ask when you've been dumped.
    JASON
    I'm sorry dude! We don't talk about this shit! I'm crashing here cause I'm in the middle of a divorce and you haven't asked me about it once!
    AARON
    Yeah. You're right. Sorry.
    (then, awkwardly)
    So... how are you doing with your divorce?
    JASON
    It's torn my entire life apart. If you want to know the truth. So... what happened with you?
    AARON
    Well, when mom and dad came I just asked him to... tone it down a bit.
    JASON
    Tone what down?
    AARON
    You know, just to be a little ...less...you know...gay.
    JASON
    But...you are gay.
    AARON
    No, I know! I just - look, I fucked up! I panicked! I just wanted mom and dad to like him!
    JASON
    They do! Mom said she liked his passion! Dad said he was smart! I thought he was fucking hilarious.
    AARON
    That's all they said?
    JASON
    That's all they said! And of course the guy's pissed - you told him not to be himself in front of us.
    AARON
    I know, I know! Fuck!
    JASON
    Did you try to get him back?
    AARON
    I've been texting him like crazy. He won't respond. Bobby's the best but he's a stubborn son of a bitch.
    JASON
    And do you love that stubborn little bitch?
    Aaron thinks about this and then nods.
    AARON
    But it's too late. It's over. Bobby's so strong. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone.

EXT. LGTBQ MUSEUM - OPENING NIGHT
    Celebrities and politicians mob the opening. It's huge.
    INT. LGBTQ MUSEUM - OPENING NIGHT
    ANGLE ON: Debra Messing posing in front of THE DEBRA MESSING
    HALL OF ALLIES. Two guests walks out of the exhibit.
    PARTY GUEST #1
    There are so many allies in there!
    PARTY GUEST #2
    I've never seen so many allies!
    ANGLE ON: A roller coaster cart coming out of THE LAWRENCE
    GRAPE HAUNTED HOUSE OF GAY TRAUMA.
    TINA
    That was absolutely terrifying!
    BRIAN
    I want to go again!!!
    ANGLE ON ROBERT AND HIS GIRLFRIEND watching an animatronic Leonardo Da Vinci in THE GREAT HALL OF BISEXUALS.
    ANIMATRONIC LEONARDO DA VINCI
    Hi! I'm Leonardo Da Vinci! I changed the world with my work as an inventor, scientist, artist and mathematician but most importantly, I may have been bi!
    ANGLE ON BOBBY TALKING TO TAMARA in THE PARTY AREA. A person whose face we don't see comes up to TAMARA.
    MYSTERIOUS PERSON
    I just want to say... I approve.
    The person drifts off. TAMARA starts to cry.
    BOBBY
    Who was that?
    TAMARA
    That was @wokecunt. They say never meet your heroes but whoever said that never met @wokecunt.
    Bobby and Tamara hug. A112 ANGLE ON ANGELA TAKING A SELFIE OF HERSELF WITH WANDA AND A112
    BOBBY IN FRONT OF THE ENTRANCE TO AN EXHIBIT CALLED THE
    GALLERY OF GENDER NON-CONFORMING ICONS 10,000 BCE-2022.
    We see a monitor at the entrance with a video welcoming people to it. The video is a fast succession of 4-5 still photos of genderfluid/GNC people each with a chyron with their name and the era/location they lived in. This short montage is followed by the title THE GALLERY OF GENDER NON- CONFORMING ICONS, which is followed by the words POWERED BY SHITROCKET which appear with some very aggro Redbull style energy drink lightning bolt graphics. ANGELA posts to IG.
    ANGELA
    I swear those VR goggles are still listening to me! Instagram won't stop showing me ads for this guy selling LGBTQ themed chocolates and deserts! One of them had a little chocolate ice cream version of Billie Jean King served inside a waffle cone!
    Bobby realizes that must be Aaron she's referring to. Tina approaches Bobby.
    TINA
    Bobby, seriously, this place is incredible! Are you happy?
    BOBBY
    Yeah. I think so. It's weird. This was my dream and it actually happened, so why do I still not know the answer to that question?
    Bobby holds up his phone and shows Tina Aaron's text with photos.
    BOBBY
    I think he quit his job and started making little chocolates. Plus this gingerbread Elliot Page. Can you believe it?
    TINA
    OK can I say one thing? I know what he did was wrong. But you didn't have to argue with his parents.
    BOBBY
    I did though! And I apologized.
    TINA
    And he apologized too. You both fucked up! I know you think there's no one you can really trust in the world. And I understand that. But I also know that this is supposed to be the biggest night of your life and you look miserable. Is there no part of you that wants to give him a second chance?
    BOBBY
    I don't know. You know what it really is? I don't want to want someone else this much.
    TINA
    But you do! Bobby, it doesn't make you look weak to love someone. Vulnerability is NOT a boner killer! Were you happier with him or without him? That's really all that matters.
    Bobby thinks about that but doesn't answer.
    BOBBY
    Let's just drop it ok?
    TINA
    Ok. Fine. I've just never seen you that happy. And I loved seeing it.
    She looks at Bobby tenderly. Edgar and the kids run up and pull Tina to the dance floor. Bobby watches alone from the sidelines as his friends and all the board members dance. We see a MONTAGE of images playing in his head from his time with Aaron. He looks down at the photo of Aaron in the chocolate shop, struggling with whether or not to text him. Finally, he decides to. But he can't decide what to write. He starts feverishly writing a long winded text about his feelings - then he deletes it. He starts writing something funny and snarky - then he deletes that too. He finds a TREASURE INSIDE meme and almost sends that but changes his mind. Finally, he settles on what to text and chooses these IMMORTAL WORDS:
    BOBBY TEXT

INT. AARON'S APARTMENT
    Aaron and Jason play Duck Hunter. Then, Aaron gets the text!
    AARON
    HOLY SHIT! HE TEXTED ME! BOBBY
    TEXTED ME!!!
    JASON
    What'd he say???
    AARON
    He said "Hey What's Up"!!!!
    JASON
    AHHHHH! "HEY WHAT'S UP!!!" FUCK
    YEAH, BRO!!!!
    They both start cheering.
    AARON
    Ok, ok! I'm gonna wait to text him back. I have to play it cool. Oh shit, I've got the gym. I gotta go.
    JASON
    Aaron, what the fuck is it with you and Crossfit every day? What exactly are all you people training for? Are you going to war? Bro, you've been running in place on a treadmill every goddamn day for years. Stop playing it so fucking cool! You're both so proud, you're gonna ruin your lives forever. Go tell him how you feel!
    AARON
    What about your divorce? What about never getting married and keeping it young and fun?
    JASON
    Whatever! Straight people are so weird and fucked up - we're so set in our ways. You gay guys - you're all so smart! You'll figure it out! My story is not your story. So go make your own damn story. GO! NOW!

EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
    Aaron jogs through the city. He jogs past a wall of FYC posters for The Treasure Inside. He sees a fleet of cabs with taxi top ads for the LGBTQ MUSEUM. He stares at them. Then, he starts running as fast as he can. Music Cue: "Che Gelida Manina" from La Bohème (and The Treasure Inside).

INT. MUSEUM OPENING NIGHT PARTY
    WANDA
    Bobby, it's time for the toast!
    Bobby looks down at his phone. No response from Aaron. He's disappointed. Meanwhile outside... 115 OMITTED 115\*

INT. MUSEUM - STAGE
    Bobby and the board stand on stage. He addresses the crowd.
    BOBBY
    One of the hardest parts of putting the museum together was figuring out what the final exhibit would be, the message we want to leave people with about who we are. But the truth is, we are not one thing. We are not a monolithic group. We are still angry and we are so strong and we are selfish and we are sad and we are lonely and we are totally fine and we are all of it. We are the smartest, most self- reliant people you've ever met and we are so stupid and we are a total mess and we are great.
    BOBBY
    We've been around since the beginning of time and yet it feels like we're still at the beginning of being able to tell our own stories. Isn't that strange? In many ways, I think we're still getting to know each other really. So much of our history has been denied and second guessed for so long that, believing it, especially love stories which we often don't have enough evidence to prove true - it requires a leap of faith. It requires choosing not to focus on doubt, but to focus on the love that you know in your heart had to be there.
    Bobby sees Aaron in the crowd. They make eye contact. Bobby smiles. So happy to see him.
    BOBBY
    Now, I'm just a boring old cis white gay, but one thing I've learned from my trans and bi and non-binary family is that happiness for all of us comes from staying fluid, staying open to change, open to evolution, to being more than one thing, more than what you thought you were, or thought you had to be. You can allow yourself to just be happy and not question everything and not torture yourself all the time. That one's tough for me but I'm working on it. We finally did agree on a theme for the final wing: ALL THE POSSIBILITIES. So, this is a toast to all of us. We've come a long way. (Bobby looks at the board). And there are a lot of people who deserved to live long enough to see this. And we are here. And they are not. And we are very lucky. We are very lucky. I have no complaints.
    Bobby runs off stage, through the crowd, to meet Aaron. Suddenly, Debra Messing runs up to Bobby.
    DEBRA MESSING
    Bobby! I just want to tell you --
    BOBBY
    In all my years I'd never thought I'd say this but: Debra Messing, it'll have to wait.
    He passes Debra and walks up to Aaron with tears in his eyes.
    BOBBY
    I want you to know that I don't need you.
    AARON
    Well I don't need you, either!
    BOBBY
    Good! But I really love you. Dammit!
    Bobby grabs Aaron and kisses him passionately.
    BOBBY
    You've been working so hard trying to be a bro on the outside but I realized that, even though I'm like the gayest person in the world, inside I've been trying too hard to be strong and impenetrable too. You were trying to be a bro on the outside. But I was trying to be a bro on the inside. And I don't want to be that way anymore. So...
    Bobby gets down on one knee in front of Aaron. At this point all the friends are gathered around them on the dance floor.
    AARON
    Wait - what are you doing?
    BOBBY
    Just let me do this! Oh shit, I don't have a ring!
    Bobby turns to Tamara, who's wearing a huge, bejeweled ring.
    BOBBY
    Tamara, can I borrow that?
    Tamara gives it to Bobby and he gets down on his knee again.
    BOBBY
    Aaron Shepard - I know we're not relationship people but - will you date me for 3 months and then we'll reassess?
    Aaron cracks up laughing.
    AARON
    Yes, Bobby Leiber. Yes I will date you for 3 months and then we'll reassess.
    All of Bobby's friends start crying and cheering.
    TINA'S DAUGHTER
    Mommy, what's happening?
    TINA
    (through happy tears)
    It's a miracle! Uncle Bobby's gonna date someone for 3 months!
    Bobby slips Tamara's huge ring on Aaron, who shows it off to the crowd, and everyone cheers again. Bobby dips Aaron and they have a big movie kiss. Suddenly, we hear:
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #1
    YUCK!
    Bobby and Aaron turn around. It's the GAY TWITTER WITCHES!
    BOBBY
    Oh no! The gay Twitter Witches! What are you doing here?
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #2
    Of course we're here. We're everywhere.
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #3
    What happened Bobby? I thought you said you were happy being alone? I thought you said on your podcast you didn't need anyone?
    BOBBY
    Oh don't believe any of the bullshit I say on there!
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #1
    Aaron Shepard in love with Bobby Leiber? Seems a little far fetched!
    Tina's 8 year-old, Brian, walks up to the witches in awe.
    BRIAN
    Excuse me. Are you guys Gen Z?
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #2
    That's right, sweetie.
    BRIAN
    Wowww. What's it like being so old?
    The witches realize they are the old ones compared to Brian. They shriek in horror and literally START TO MELT LIKE THE WICKED WITCH, their outstretched hands holding their phones being the last part to melt into the ground.
    BOBBY
    Wait, Aaron - the final wing!
    MUSEUM - CONTINUOUS Bobby takes Aaron by the hand and they run towards the last exhibit. A sign above the room says ALL THE POSSIBILITIES. Just as they're about to walk in, they're interrupted by a hologram of BEN STILLER dressed up as a museum guard.
    BEN STILLER
    Hey everyone! I'm the museum guard here. Just gonna do some dusting...
    Ben dusts a bust of Eleanor Roosevelt. Suddenly a hologram of Eleanor Roosevelt (played by Amy Schumer) COMES ALIVE. \*
    ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
    Hello! What're you doing dusting me? I'm lesbian first lady Eleanor Roosevelt!
    HARVEY MILK
    (played by Seth Meyers) \*
    I'm Harvey Milk!
    JAMES BALDWIN
    (played by Kenan Thompson) \*
    I'm James Baldwin!
    BEN STILLER
    It's a Night at the Gay Museum!
    AARON
    You ended up doing this? You told me you hated it!
    BOBBY
    I did at first. But Tamara grew up with those movies and loved them.
    BOBBY
    She said it would help make the museum not - and I quote - "as depressing as a dick."

INT. MUSEEUM - CONTINUOUS
    Bobby opens the door and leads Aaron into the exhibit, a gorgeous installation of stained glass windows like the ones they saw on their first date - but this time featuring diverse LGBTQ couples and families. It shimmers. MUSIC CUE: HEARTBREAKER by Mariah Carey
    AARON
    Do we have to dance?
    BOBBY
    I'm afraid so.
    They run to the dance floor. Bobby starts doing his stiff dance where he barely moves. In response, Aaron starts doing his awkward dance from the sail boat, jumping and flailing spastically all over the dance floor. Tom and Lucas dance holding their triplets, Henry dances with Lawrence Grape, Tina and Edgar dance with their kids. We pan over to see Peter, Paul and Marty locked in a deep, three-way kiss right next to them. The camera sails around the room. We see portraits of real LGBTQ people from past time periods - not icons, just real people, looking down over everyone, ending on the Egyptian hieroglyphic of a gay couple from the start of the film. Bobby and Aaron kiss beneath them. ANGLE ON the GAY TWITTER WITCHES, now alive again and vogue- ing on the dance floor.
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #1
    Imagine thinking we would ever die.
    GAY TWITTER WITCH #2
    Oh my god, you have to tweet that!
    They all cackle and dance.
    FADE TO BLACK. THE END.
    Over End Credits:

INT. MUSEUM - CHYRON: 3 MONTHS LATER
    Bobby and Aaron look up at the stained glass exhibit. Then, Aaron's mom, followed by her second grade class, walks in on a tour led by Wanda. The kids look up at the windows in awe.
    AARON'S MOM
    Bobby!
    Bobby and Aaron's mom hug.
    AARON'S MOM
    My god Bobby this is spectacular! And the kids are loving it!
    BOBBY
    Thank you! I'm so glad you're here. It means so much to me that you'd make it part of your trip.
    AARON'S MOM
    Of course! I'll admit, when you first mentioned it, I wasn't sure about bringing the kids. But you were right. Of course they should see this! It's their history too!
    A precocious, judge-y second grade boy - looking and sounding a lot like a young Bobby Leiber - pipes up.
    JUDGE-Y YOUNG BOY
    I don't know. It looks nice but it's so sentimental.
    Bobby laughs, looks down and whispers to the kid.
    BOBBY
    Honestly, I said the same thing. Not everyone is on our level.
    JUDGE-Y YOUNG BOY
    Well, what else is new?
    Bobby looks back up at the windows, taking them in.
    BOBBY
    They are pretty though.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE MUSEUM
    Bobby and Aaron wave goodbye from the museum steps as Aaron's mom puts the kids on the school bus.
    AARON
    You know we just hit 3 months. How do you think it's going?
    Bobby looks at Aaron and smiles.
    BOBBY
    I think it's going really well.
    AARON
    I think it's going really well too.
    A beat as they watch the last of the kids hop on the bus.
    AARON
    You want kids someday right?
    Bobby is horrified.
    BOBBY
    Oh no.
    AARON
    Bobby...
    BOBBY
    Oh absolutely not -
    AARON
    C'mon...
    BOBBY
    No! No!!!!
    Bobby runs down the steps, jokingly running away from Aaron.
    AARON
    Wait! Where are you going?
    Aaron chases after Bobby. He catches up to him and they laugh. As they walk off, Bobby throws his arm around Aaron. Then Aaron throws his arm around Bobby. They walk off as Marc Shaiman's Love Theme from BROS plays us out...

Summary: Italian-American brothers Mario and Luigi have recently opened a plumbing business in Brooklyn, to the derision of their ex-employer Spike and the disapproval of their father. After seeing a significant water main leak on the news, Mario and Luigi go underground to fix it but are sucked into a Warp Pipe and separated. Mario lands in the Mushroom Kingdom, ruled by Princess Peach, while Luigi arrives in the Dark Lands, ruled by the evil Koopa king Bowser. Bowser seeks to marry Peach and will destroy the Mushroom Kingdom using a Super Star if she refuses. He imprisons Luigi to threaten Mario, whom he sees as competition for Peach's love. Mario meets Toad, who takes him to Peach. Peach plans to ally with the primate Kongs to help repel Bowser and allows Mario and Toad to travel with her. She also tells Mario that she ended up in the Mushroom Kingdom as a baby, where the Toads took her in and eventually made her their leader. In the Jungle Kingdom, King Cranky Kong agrees to help if Mario defeats his son, Donkey Kong, in a fight. Despite Donkey Kong's immense strength, Mario defeats him using a Cat Suit. Mario, Peach, Toad, and the Kongs use karts to drive back to the Mushroom Kingdom, but Bowser's army ambushes them on Rainbow Road. When a blue-shelled Koopa General destroys part of the road in a kamikaze attack, Mario and Donkey Kong plummet to the ocean while the other Kongs are captured. Peach and Toad return to the Mushroom Kingdom and urge the citizens to evacuate. Bowser arrives aboard his flying castle and proposes to Peach, who reluctantly accepts after Bowser's advisor Kamek tortures Toad. Mario and Donkey Kong, having been eaten by an eel-like Maw-Ray, learn they both want the respect of their fathers. They escape the Maw-Ray by riding a rocket from Donkey Kong's kart and hurry to Bowser and Peach's wedding. At the wedding ceremony, Bowser intends to execute all of his prisoners in lava in Peach's honor. Toad smuggles an Ice Flower into Peach's bouquet, which she uses to freeze Bowser. Mario and Donkey Kong arrive and free the prisoners, with Mario using a Tanooki Suit to save Luigi. Bowser frees himself and summons a Bomber Bill to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom, but Mario knocks it off course and directs it into the Warp Pipe, where it detonates, creating a vacuum that sucks Bowser's castle and its current occupants into Brooklyn. Mario attempts to grab the Star but is attacked by the enraged Bowser, who also swiftly defeats Peach, Toad and Donkey Kong. As all hope seems lost, Mario is encouraged by his own advert to stand up and face Bowser, who almost incinerates him. Luigi saves Mario, with both grabbing the Super Star. They defeat the Koopas, destroy Bowser's castle and incapacitate Bowser. Peach then shrinks Bowser with a Blue Mushroom and imprisons him. Mario and Luigi are hailed as heroes by Brooklyn's populace, including their parents and Spike. Afterwards, the brothers move to a house in the Mushroom Kingdom and begin a day of plumbing work together.