Malibu's Most Wanted_2003

EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAY
    A tricked - out Cadillac Escalade with the windows tinted deep black rolls INTO FRAME .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` It's like a jungle sometimes, It makes me wonder how I keep from going under.'
    ESCALADE passes three people doing tai chi on a bluff overlooking the ocean .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` Broken glass everywhere, people pissing on the stairs you know they just do n't care.'
    ESCALADE passes a gorgeous Labrador retriever snatching a Frisbee midair .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` Ca n't take the smell, Ca n't take the noise, Got no money to move out I guess I got no choice.'
    ESCALADE passes two horse back riders galloping along the beach .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` Rats in the front room, Roaches in the back.'
    ESCALADE passes a gleaming mansion with a massive putting green - like lawn .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` Junkie's in the alley With a baseball bat.'
    ESCALADE passes blonde Little Leaguers playing baseball in crisp new uniforms .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . ) '
    A crazy lady, livin' in a bag, Eatin' outta garbage pails, Used to be a fag hag.'
    ESCALADE passes two rich housewives clutching shopping bags from the most expensive stores on the planet .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` Do n't push me cuz I'm close to the edge, I'm tryin', not to lose my head.'
    ANGLE ON ESCALADE Drives through a security gate and into a gated community of brand new mansions .
    FLASH
    ( V.O . )
    ` It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, How I keep from goin' under.'

EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION (MALIBU) - DAY
    A small crowd and the press are gathered around BILL GLUCKMAN , his wife BESS -LRB- 40s , lots of plastic surgery -RRB- and daughter BRENDA -LRB- 11 -RRB- who are on the porch of their 12,000 - square - foot mansion .
    BILL
    And so if you elect me governor, I promise to take care of California the same way I take care of my own family ; with compassion, caring, kindness, and most of all, with an interest in everyone. My friends.
    ( catch phrase . )
    ` California is my family!'
    The crowd cheers and waves `` Gluckman For Governor '' signs .
    BILL
    Speaking of family, I'd like to introduce my wife Bess.
    Bess smiles and waves .
    BILL
    and my daughter, little Brenda.
    Brenda smiles and waves like a campaign - trail veteran .
    BILL
    Any questions?
    The press begins shouting questions . Bill picks .
    BILL
    Deb?
    REPORTER #1
    Where's your son?
    Bill is instantly flustered and TOM GIBBONS , Bill 's campaign manager -LRB- African - American , but the soul of William F. Buckley -RRB- steps in front of Bill .
    TOM
    Thank you for all your questions, but we've run out of.
    Just then the ground shakes with a frightening RUMBLE . Everyone quiets down - is it an earthquake ? As the RUMBLE HITS again , the surface of the water in the koi pond ripples , a la Jurassic Park . Reporters look around anxiously as another RUMBLE HITS ; Bill 's face falls as he sees . The Escalade rolls into the driveway , hopping up and down on its amped - up hydraulics like something from Crenshaw Boulevard on a Friday night . The rear doors pop open and MOCHA -LRB- a.k.a. CHADWICK VAN PELT -RRB- , dressed head to toe in hip - hop gear , steps out of the passenger side .
    MOCHA
    Yo yo yoooo! Listen up, y' all!
    He lays down a beat `` human beat box '' - style as MONSTER -LRB- a.k.a. MIRIAM SHAIDELBAUM -RRB- climbs out . She 's big , wearing short shorts , a tight leather halter , huge hoop earrings and oversized designer sunglasses .
    MONSTER
    Y' all better chill.
    Next out is HADJI -LRB- a.k.a. YUSEF AMIRASLANI -RRB- , a skinny Persian kid with cornrows .
    HADJI
    ` cuz B - Rad G about to get ill!
    The driver 's door swings open , and a gleaming white pair of four hundred dollar , untied Nike sneaks as they step to the pavement ; we CRANE UP , PAST Nike sweats , to BRAD GLUCKMAN , wearing a do rag under his Nike baseball cap .
    BRAD
    Yo! What's up all you media people?! This is B - Rad G, kickin' it real from the ` bu, represizzin'!
    Four fine white girls in bikini tops , vinyl shorts and Timberlands come out and dance behind Brad , shaking everything they 've got . Reporters move in like vultures .
    BRAD
    ` Y' all gathered here on this special occasion. Listen to my pops, he's your West Coast liaison' So show up, do n't make me throw up.
    ( MORE . )

    BRAD
    ( CONT 'D . )
    Take out your purse and cough some dough up. My chickens get wit you, if you vote right. And do n't worry y' all, cuz my girls is tight. Immigration, education, runaway inflation. California ai n't flowin' like old constipation. Vote Bill G on your election ballot. If you do n't I'm gon na hit you wit a mallot! Get Glucked y' all!
    Tom again steps in and blocks Brad from view .
    TOM
    That's it for today, guys, very busy schedule, thank you!
    Reporters shout questions as Tom herds Bill up the steps . Two staff members hustle Brad into the house .

INT. MANSION - DEN - 15 MINUTES LATER
    Bill Gluckman 's election team -LRB- GARY , JEN , and BRETT -RRB- work the phones as Tom paces ; Bill stares out the window , lost .
    TOM
    What's the damage?
    JEN
    We're down nine points in the polls.
    BILL
    In fifteen minutes?
    GARY
    And dropping.
    BILL
    It's a disaster.
    TOM
    What's the spin?
    BRETT
    I called the Times and the Chronicle, they're gon na play the whole thing off as a joke.
    BILL
    Thank God.
    TOM
    How the hell did this happen?
    BILL
    I have no idea. I thought he was out of town.
    TOM
    Jen, I gave you specific orders to get some handlers and keep Brad locked down until after the announcement.
    JEN
    I did! They flew to the ranch in Maui last night!
    TOM
    Maui?! Was n't he at the villa in South Hampton?
    BILL
    I thought he was at the chalet in Aspen.
    GARY
    ( checking laptop . )
    Nope. It was the compound in Bermuda.
    TOM
    Oh for God's sake! Ca n't we -
    Brad enters and Tom shuts up .
    BRAD
    Yo, Pops, that was off the hizzook! I just got you another million votes right dare!
    Brad 's pants are so baggy , they fall to his ankles , exposing his boxers . Brad pulls them up .
    BILL
    What are you doing here, son?
    BRAD
    I knew I had to show up in order for you to blow up. So I had Captain Tony fire up the Lear jizzy and booya! I'm in da hizzy, gon na be on the campaign trizzy, 24/seven, you know, kissin' babies and whatnot. Pound it!
    Brad holds out his fist and Bill reluctantly hits it . On his way out , Brad chest - bumps Tom .
    TOM
    Bill, you've got to shut this down, now. Tell Brad he ca n't work with you, period.
    BILL
    No, no. I love his enthusiasm. It's just a little misguided. There must be something he can do for the campaign, where he ca n't hurt us.
    TOM
    Such as?
    BILL
    I do n't know. phones, stuffing envelopes, making signs, something.

EXT. HANCOCK PARK - BACK YARD - DAY
    Bill is at the end of a stirring speech to the Women 's Organization of California .
    BILL
    in Bill Gluckman's administration, women will have better health care, women will have better day care, and women will have better jobs! From here on in, my campaign has a new slogan!
    IN WINGS Tom signals Brad , who enthusiastically yanks a cord , and we . WIDE SHOT - HUGE BANNER unfurls behind Bill . It is spray - painted graffiti - style , and reads : `` BILL GLUCKMAN 'S DOWN WITH THE BITCHES AND HO 'S ! '' IN WINGS Brad looks on proudly ; Tom closes his eyes , a migraine kicking in .

INT. LIMO - DAY
    An angry mob of women chase the limo as it backs down the driveway full speed .
    BILL
    ( stunned , hollow . )
    Bill Gluckman's down with the bitches and ho's'?
    TOM
    It was supposed to read, ` Women are first with Gluckman.'
    BRAD
    That's old school. Pops, you got to keep your pimp hand strong.

EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - DAY
    The limo pulls in . Bill , Tom and Brad get out .
    BRAD
    Peep y' all later. I ` ma go work on my new campaign rhyme, ` Election Erection.' It's gon na be large! Yo! I ` ma start on a new sign.
    He heads for the house .
    TOM
    That's it, Bill. If Brad does n't straighten up, your political career is finished.
    BILL
    No, Tom. I promise you, I will not lose this election over my son.
    TOM
    What are you going to do?
    BILL
    Set up an appointment with my shrink.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY
    Plush . Brad sits unhappily on an overstuffed couch opposite DR. FELDMAN . Bess and Bill sit off to the side .
    DR. FELDMAN
    So. Bradley.
    BRAD
    Why you keep callin' me dat?
    DR. FELDMAN
    Well that's your name, is n't it?
    BRAD
    It's my slave name, a ` ight? I told you like fi ` ty times.
    DR. FELDMAN
    ( sighs . )
    Yes, okay. B - Rad.
    BRAD
    Wassup?
    DR. FELDMAN
    Let's play an association game.
    He picks up three CD 's , keeping the backs to Brad .
    DR. FELDMAN
    Alright, B - Rad. I want you to look at these.
    He turns the first one around . It 's an NWA CD . Next is a Snoop CD , then a Naz CD , and last is Brad 's high school yearbook photo .
    DR. FELDMAN
    Now, which one does n't belong?
    BRAD
    Shoot. N.W.A., fool. They broke up a long time ago.
    BILL
    ( losing temper . )
    Dammit, Brad, stop acting like a gang member. You're from Malibu, you live in a nice home.
    BESS
    With nice maids!
    DR. FELDMAN
    Bill, Bess, go to your happy places.
    Bill sits back , frustrated .
    DR. FELDMAN
    What are your goals, B - Rad? What do you want out of life?
    BRAD
    To be the biggest rapper dere ever was! See, I got something to say, and I need the world to hear it. I'm the shiznit. I'll buy y' all cars!
    DR. FELDMAN
    I see. And when did you first start feeling like you were this. shiznit?
    BRAD
    Oh, damn. way back in the day. I've had these beats in my head since I was a little shortie.
    FLASHBACK - INT . GLUCKMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY -LRB- 1980 -RRB- Toddler Brad -LRB- 3 years old -RRB- sits on the floor , playing with a toy as GLADYS , Brad 's housekeeper -LRB- African - American , thirty -RRB- vacuums , while listening to her Walkman . The PHONE RINGS , Gladys pulls off her Walkman headphones and answers the RINGING PHONE .
    GLADYS
    Gluckman residence.
    Brad takes the headphones and pulls them over his ears .
    GLADYS
    No, Bill and Bess are out of the country until December.
    His eyes go wide as the hip - hop gold enters his head for the first time .
    BRAD
    ( V.O . )
    From then on it was hip - hop 24/seven.

INT. GLUCKMAN DINING ROOM - NIGHT (1984)
    SEVEN - YEAR - OLD BRAD sits alone at the table , wearing a Run DMC hat -LRB- a la `` Rock Box '' , playing with his food . His headphones , around his neck , BLARE NWA .
    BESS
    ( V.O . )
    Finish those vegetables, Bradley.
    BILL
    ( V.O . )
    You ca n't be excused until you do.
    SEVEN-YEAR-OLD-BRAD
    Tch. Forget y' all.
    REVEAL : on the table across from Brad is a video conference system . Both parents are on separate monitors - Bess 's has a sign that reads , `` Paris , '' and Bill 's reads , `` Tokyo . '' There is a place setting in front of each monitor , as if they 're dining with him .
    BILL
    ( V.O . )
    That's it, mister.
    BESS
    ( V.O . )
    When we get home. sometime in the near future. you're going to be in big trouble!
    Using the remote , Brad changes the channel on his parents ' monitors to `` Yo MTV Raps . ''

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT)
    DR. FELDMAN
    What I'm sensing, Brad, is that your parents were n't really there for you.
    BRAD
    Nope.
    BESS
    ( defensive . )
    That's ridiculous!
    BILL
    What about your bar mitzvah?
    FLASHBACK - INT . GLUCKMAN MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY -LRB- 1990 -RRB- Bill and Bess enter with suitcases . The house is crowded with relatives and Brad 's 13 - year - old friends .
    BILL
    Mazel tov, Bradley!
    UNCLE LOUIE , fifty and fat , with prayer shawl and yarmulke , moves past them and calls out to Brad :
    UNCLE LOUIE
    ( O.S . )
    What's the theme of your party, kid? Star Wars? Baseball? Superheroes?
    REVEAL : THIRTEEN - YEAR - OLD BRAD dressed like Flava Flav , a big clock around his neck , looking like he 's just smelled a fart .
    BRAD
    It's O.P.P., bitch!
    Brad exits through French doors , and as we FOLLOW him OUTSIDE NAUGHTY BY NATURE 'S `` O.P.P. '' KICKS IN .

EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BACK YARD   - SAME TIME
    It 's like we 've suddenly stepped into a hard - core rap video - big - bootied home girls in bikinis freak with clean - cut Jewish kids as the staff serve barbecue and malt liquor to the freaked - out guests . Among them , we see a 13 - year - old HADJI , MONSTER , and MOCHA , all nicely - dressed for temple . Above , a huge spray - painted banner reads : `` MAZEL TIZZOV B - RAD , ON HIS BAR MITZVAH ! ''

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT)
    Bess sniffles and dabs her eyes .
    DR. FELDMAN
    Bess, I'm sensing you'd like to share.
    BESS
    B - Rad, you're a wonderful son. it's just that, well -
    BILL
    Oh stop beating around the bush, Bess. What we're trying to say is, Brad, that your behavior is, well, it's an embarrassment to the family.
    BRAD
    Yo, Pops, that hurts my feelings.
    BILL
    I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
    BRAD
    Do n't be hatin'.
    BILL
    And, Brad. I ca n't have you on the campaign any longer.
    BRAD
    What?! Oh that's how it is? A'ight then. I'm Audi! I need to take a drive.
    Brad leaves , slamming the door behind him .
    BESS
    What can we do, doctor?
    DR. FELDMAN
    Well, his lack of parental guidance left Brad wide open to outside influence, allowing hip - hop culture to firmly imprint on his psyche.
    BILL
    Do you think we can bring him back?
    DR. FELDMAN
    ( grim . )
    I do n't know. This is the most advanced case of gangsta - phrenia I've ever seen.
    BESS
    Oh no, not gangsta - phrenia!

EXT. GLUCKMAN BACK YARD - POOLSIDE - DAY
    Brad relaxes in a lounge chair , wearing sunglasses and sipping on a forty . Bess enters wearing a Chanel suit . She sits on the lounge chair next to him .
    BESS
    Bradley, I know you're busy, but we need to talk.
    Brad lifts his sunglasses and turns to his mother .
    BRAD
    What's up?
    BESS
    After our therapy session I realized that your father and I could have been better parents. We neglected you and I feel terrible.
    BRAD
    For real?
    BESS
    Yes. So from here on out I'm going to be a better mother. I want to get closer to you. be there for you. If ever you need -
    Just then , her CELL PHONE RINGS . She pulls it out from her hip and answers .
    BESS
    Hello? Celeste! When did you get back?! What?! Oh my God! I've been waiting for that bag for six months!
    ( to Brad , covering phone . )
    It's my personal shopper.
    ( back to phone . )
    Stay right there. I'm on my way!
    She stands .
    BESS
    So. where we. Oh yes. I'm always here for you, Bradley. Do you have my cell number?
    She hands Brad a piece of paper and exits . Brad pulls down his shades and takes a long sip from his forty .

EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - PATIO - NOON
    Brad sits at the massive dining room table as Gladys pours him a big glass of grape juice , then cuts up his food .
    BRAD
    Gladys?
    GLADYS
    Yeah?
    BRAD
    Ever feel like you do n't belong?
    GLADYS
    All the time, baby. Most folks only feel comfortable around folks who are the same as them. When they meet someone different, they get scared and angry, wan na keep'em down.
    BRAD
    What do you do about it?
    GLADYS
    Nothin' to do but keep it real. Be proud of who you are.
    BRAD
    Yeah, you right. Gladys, when they gon na leave our people alone?
    GLADYS
    ( emotional . )
    I do n't know, baby, I just do n't know.
    ( notices Brad 's plate . )
    Eat your greens before they get cold, boy.
    A PAGER GOES OFF . Brad searches his pockets , pulls out a pager - that 's not it ; pulls out another pager - that 's not it either ; pulls out a two - way - that 's the one .
    BRAD
    ( reading pager . )
    Oh no, not again!
    He gets up and runs out of the room .

INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - WAR ROOM - DAY (SAME TIME)
    Bill , Tom , the staff , and several AIDES of varying ethnicity are mid - meeting .
    TOM
    How'd it go with Feldman?
    BILL
    Great news. If he sees Brad five days a week, he says we'll see improvement in three to four years.
    JEN
    But. the election's in two months.
    BILL
    Right, good point.
    TOM
    We've been brainstorming on some different approaches, and I think we may have something solid here.
    BILL
    I'm all ears.
    TOM
    Guys?
    The team gathers around - it 's a gang pitch .
    BRETT
    Brad might act ` ghetto,' but let's face it, he's never been east of Beverly Hills.
    JEN
    But what if we give him a little dose of reality?
    GARY
    Let him get a firsthand look at the ghetto.
    BILL
    You mean, have Brad actually. go there?
    TOM
    Exactly.
    BILL
    Sounds dangerous.
    BRETT
    It'll be perfectly safe.
    BILL
    How does it work?
    JEN
    We hire actors to play gangsters.
    TOM
    They car - jack Brad, then take him on a ` tour' of the ` hood. give him a little taste of what thug life's really like. It might just scare the black out of him.
    Tom gets strange looks from everyone .
    AFRICAN-AMERICAN AIDE
    Excuse me?
    TOM
    Look, I'm as down as the next brother, guy. fellah. I grew up in Compton, okay? But let's get over the P.C. thing and face facts. Unless we do something soon, Brad's gon na cost us this election.
    The team all nods .
    BILL
    I do n't know. it sounds so drastic.
    TOM
    Maybe drastic is what Brad needs, Bill. He is twenty - four. I mean, what's he gon na do for a living, rap?
    They all chuckle . Bill sighs .
    BILL
    Who do we get for the gangsters?
    TOM
    Remember the anti - crime spot we shot last month?
    GARY
    We've got it cued up.
    They turn to the TV and Gary hits PLAY . On the monitor : A Gluckman campaign ad plays .

EXT. GHETTO BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
    A young , black gangbanger -LRB- SEAN -RRB- , glares at camera .
    NARRATOR
    ( V.O . )
    For too long, street violence has torn Californians apart.
    A second banger -LRB- PJ -RRB- , glares at camera .
    NARRATOR
    ( V.O . )
    Bill Gluckman wants to put our divisions behind us.
    We cut wide : to reveal Bill Gluckman standing in between the two gangbangers . He 's in shirtsleeves , tie loosened .
    BILL
    ( V.O . )
    Fellas, instead of thinking of yourselves as what set you're from, or what crew you're rolling with, why ca n't you both be brothers. What do you say?
    SEAN
    ( V.O . )
    I guess we never thought of each other like that.
    PJ
    ( V.O . )
    Me neither, dawg.
    PJ and Sean think is over , nod and shake hands .
    BILL
    ( V.O . )
    You see.
    ( turning to camera . )
    ` California is my family'.
    Cut to angle on Bill and the gangbangers playing basketball , having a wonderful time .
    BILL
    ( V.O . )
    If we work together as a family there's no telling how high we can go.
    Bill flies by , obviously from an O.S. trampoline , and soars over the gangbangers for a monster dunk . Freeze on : the two awestruck `` gangbangers . '' BACK TO SCENE As they talk we see Brad , out the window , raising a banner .
    TOM
    Those are our guys, right there.
    BILL
    Will he be safe?
    TOM
    Absolutely.
    BILL
    ( fed up and confused . )
    I do n't know. ca n't we just.
    He looks out the window and sees Brad 's new banner . It reads , in graffiti colors : `` ELECTION ERECTION . ''
    BILL
    Alright, fine, just do it.

INT. MALI-BREW - DAY
    Brad urgently runs into the Mali - Brew Coffee Shop -LRB- Starbucks clone -RRB- , where he and his crew spend ninety percent of their time . He is stopped at the door by a very worried Mocha and Monster .
    BRAD
    Lem me go.
    MOCHA
    You do n't want to see him like dis.
    BRAD
    What happened?
    MOCHA
    He O.D.'d again.
    BRAD
    Why did n't you stop him?
    MONSTER
    I tried, yo!
    BRAD
    How many did he do?
    MOCHA
    Like twelve, thirteen, I do n't know!
    BRAD
    Damn. Twelve Frapachizzo's. Brotha's caffeined out. Move aside.
    Brad pushes past and looks on in horror at Hadji , pacing and talking to himself like a rabid dog on angel dust .
    HADJI
    I ` ma get mine! Step, fool! I'll cut you, I swear!
    BRAD
    Just chill, Hadji, we're here to help. What's up?
    HADJI
    ( frenzied . )
    I. I. I was pickin' up aromatherapy candles at Illuminations for Moms, right? And the counter trick gave me lemon when I specifically axed for lilac!
    Brad turns to Hadji .
    BRAD
    It's on now!
    MUSIC : PUBLIC ENEMY 'S `` Fight The Power '' KICKS IN as we -

EXT. MALI-BREW - DAY
    Brad , followed by his crew , exit , ready for battle .

INT. MALL - DAY
    We 're still listening to `` FIGHT THE POWER , '' only now it 's a Muzac version , piped in through the mall 's PA SYSTEM . Brad , Hadji , Monster and Mocha strut through the mall . Rich shoppers get out of the way .

INT. MALL - ILLUMINATIONS - MOMENTS LATER
    Brad and his crew approach the OLD WOMAN CASHIER .
    BRAD
    Yo, fool! We got some hard - core drama ` bout to go down right neow!
    HADJI
    Dat's right!
    BRAD
    Dis is our mall. Always was and always will be!
    MOCHA
    Woof woof!
    OLD WOMAN
    Oh, Mr. Amiraslani. I'm so glad you came back. Our clerk accidentally gave you the wrong aromatherapy candles. Here you go.
    She hands Hadji a box marked `` Lilac . ''
    BRAD
    You better be validatin' my parking?
    OLD WOMAN
    Of course, sir.
    BRAD
    Dat's what I'm talkin' ` bout. We get ours!

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
    Tom , standing by a limo , is speaking with Sean and PJ , dressed as their actual , preppy selves .
    SEAN
    ( incredulous . )
    Hold the phone, buddy. you want us to scare this kid until he starts acting like a nice little white boy again?
    TOM
    Do n't think you can handle it?
    SEAN
    Of course I can handle it. I studied at Juilliard for God's sake.
    TOM
    Fantastic.
    Tom hands them a manila envelope .
    TOM
    Here's some background information on Brad.
    PJ pulls Brad 's CD from the envelope . INSERT - CD COVER It is Brad , throwing the Malibu sign , surrounded by women in thongs with gigantic asses . The title , in graffiti font , reads : `` MALI - BOOTAY ! ''
    PJ
    ( O.S . )
    Malibootay?
    BACK TO SCENE
    TOM
    He considers himself a ` rapper.'
    SEAN
    Frickin' A.
    They all laugh . Tom hands them a checklist/itinerary .
    TOM
    Okay, so here's the story - it's your basic kidnapping.
    SEAN
    So we hold him for ransom?
    TOM
    Right. But when you see him acting ghetto and all, it pisses you off so much, you tour him around the ` hood to show him what things are really like.
    ( hands PJ a list . )
    I had my guys brainstorm a few ideas.
    PJ
    ( reading list . )
    ` Mugging, drive - by shooting, crack deal gone bad.'
    SEAN
    Why do n't you have him steal some watermelon while you're at it?
    TOM
    Pays fifteen grand apiece.
    SEAN AND PJ
    ( quickly . )
    We're in.
    TOM
    Good.
    SEAN
    Wait - we're kidnapping him, could n't we get arrested?
    TOM
    Got you covered. Mr. Gluckman's a billionaire - if you run into any problems with the law, we're very close with the commissioner. On the flip side, if you screw up and a single hair is touched on Bradley's over - privileged head, I will make sure that you do serious time. Clear?
    SEAN
    Cris. tal.
    TOM
    Good.
    PJ
    What about the money?
    Pulls out a smaller envelope .
    TOM
    Five up front, twenty - five when you return him to us, white.
    SEAN
    As the driven snow.
    TOM
    I'll call you.
    Tom gets in the limo and leaves as Sean and PJ head for their car .
    PJ
    Congrats, my brother. We just booked another gig.
    SEAN
    Yeah, but it's totally dangerous, dude. You know what it's like in the ` hood. We could get shot!
    PJ
    We can handle ourselves. Come on, man, it's the ultimate acting challenge.
    SEAN
    You know what really chaps my ass? After years of training and study, the only parts they'll give us are gangbangers. Just once I'd like to play a character who has decent grammar and does n't wear Timberlands.
    PJ
    Beats gettin' dunked on by Bill Gluckman.
    SEAN
    Do we even know anybody down there?
    They think , then come up with it at the same time .
    PJ
    My cousin.
    SEAN
    Shondra.

INT. MALL FOOD COURT - WIENIE IN A BUN - CLOSE ON SHONDRA - DAY
    in a Wienie In a Bun uniform , chewing gum and looking like she 's smelling something nasty . She 's at the counter facing Sean and PJ . PJ studies the menu .
    SHONDRA
    You zooted, nigga?
    WIDER
    SEAN
    Honest to God.
    SHONDRA
    That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I got better things to do with my time, boy.
    SEAN
    Like work at Wienie In A Bun?
    PJ
    Really. You're the one always talkin' about improvin' yourself.
    SHONDRA
    I am improvin' myself, fool. I broke up with no - good gang - bangin' Tec, I'm going to beauty school, then I ` ma hook up my own salon.
    PJ
    In the meantime, how about hooking a brother up with a Pepsi and some fries?
    SHONDRA
    Shut up, stupid.
    SEAN
    Do this, Shondra. You'll get some real money so you can quit this minimum wage crap and start up your business.
    SHONDRA
    What you payin'?
    SEAN
    A grand.
    SHONDRA
    Make it trey, we on.
    SEAN
    Jesus Christ, three grand?
    SHONDRA
    Or you can kiss my ass.
    PJ
    Deal. Now how about those fries?
    MUSIC : An UPTEMPO RAP TRACK KICKS IN as we .

INT. SEAN AND PJ'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
    Sean sits on a second - hand couch in their barren , low - rent apartment , concentrating on reading an Ebonics dictionary . PJ enters from outside , sweating and carrying a heavy box marked : `` JOHN 'S PROP HOUSE . '' He wears a stylish Nike baseball cap .
    PJ
    We're strapped now, my brother.
    He sets the box down and begins pulling out guns .
    SEAN
    They have everything we ordered?
    PJ
    Glocks, Uzis, Tec - 9s.
    PJ takes off the cap to wipe his brow , revealing that his hair has been braided into cornrows .
    SEAN
    What the hell is that?
    PJ
    Oh, my hair? Shondra just did it.
    ( off Sean 's look . )
    What? You hate it?
    SEAN
    No. I just think it's a choice my character would have made.
    PJ
    Do n't go there, Sean. You're just jealous you did n't think of it first.
    SEAN
    Whatever.
    SAME SCENE - LATER Sean enters with a big box marked `` THUG LIFE . '' He has on a wig identical to Larenz Tate 's braids and beads in Menace II Society .
    SEAN
    Okay, got the gangsta wear.
    PJ bursts into laughter .
    SEAN
    What's so funny?
    PJ
    That wig, man! I did n't know this was Halloween. Bring me back some candy!
    He doubles over , falling on the floor .
    SEAN
    Whatever.
    Sean yanks the wig off and whips it into the corner . SAME SCENE - LATER PJ has on baggy jeans . Sean yanks them down so his boxers are hanging out . PJ smiles - perfect . SAME SCENE - LATER PJ and Sean , now in full gangsta gear , practice their pimp struts . SAME SCENE - LATER Sean and PJ stand side by side in front of a full - length mirror , practicing making angry faces and pulling guns from their pants , as we . CLOSE ON SEAN His face filled with rage .
    SEAN
    Gim me your ride, punk, or I will dust yo ass!
    WIDEN to reveal PJ watching Sean , shaking his head .
    PJ
    Nope, you're not convincing me. Remember your core character. You're an oppressed black man from the ghetto.
    SEAN
    Yeah, I know, I'm having trouble finding this one. Lem me try it again. Gim me your ride, punk, or I will dust yo ass!
    PJ
    Add a ` beeyotch' and I think you're there.
    MUSIC : the MUSIC SEGUES from our MONTAGE RAP BEAT TO Mocha 's HUMAN BEAT BOX , as we .

EXT. MALI-BREW PARKING LOT - LOW ANGLE - DAY
    as a car door opens , boots hit the pavement , and Shondra 's incredibly fine ass slides INTO FRAME . We FOLLOW it as it moves to :

INT. MALI-BREW - DAY
    Shondra enters , looking ghetto fab hot . People look at her like she just landed from Mars . She raises her sunglasses , sees Brad and crew playing dominoes at a table . Brad slaps down the winner ; points at Monster .
    BRAD
    I'm thin to win!
    ( raps to Monster . )
    ` The name is B - Rad, Not Robbie Van Winkle. Go get my latte nonfat, And do n't forget the sprinkle!'
    They pound and congratulate Brad on his brilliance . Shondra drops her shades back down and moves in . Hadji sees her first . His jaw drops , then he tugs on Mocha 's shirt , whose jaw drops , then Mocha tugs on Brad 's shirt .
    BRAD
    Yo, what up, fool? I'm -
    Brad sees Shondra and freezes . Everything goes SLOW MOTION . BRAD 'S POV - SHONDRA strutting toward him . BACK TO SCENE
    BRAD
    Girl you fly.
    SHONDRA
    Thank you.
    BRAD
    Let me get them tig ol' bitties.
    SHONDRA
    Word up.
    She throws open her shirt , and before we see anything we . REVERSE ANGLE - BRAD His eyes go wide , then we 're . BACK TO REAL TIME : Brad snaps to as Shondra brushes by and then moves to the counter .
    BARISTA
    Can I help you?
    SHONDRA
    Coffee.
    BARISTA
    Tall, Grande, Venti, nonfat, soy -
    SHONDRA
    Big.
    ( pointed . )
    . black.
    BRAD
    ( to Barista . )
    Yo, Krista the Barista. Put it on my account.
    ( to Shondra . )
    Get yourself a blueberry scizonne too, girl.
    SHONDRA
    Cool, playa.
    She smiles . Brad follows her over to the condiment table .
    BRAD
    I ai n't seen you in here before. Where you reside?
    SHONDRA
    Compton. You?
    BRAD
    The streets.
    SHONDRA
    Which streets?
    BRAD
    Malibu. Represent.
    Bard throws the `` M '' sign .
    SHONDRA
    Right. I guess it's pretty hardcore up in here.
    BRAD
    Hell yeah.
    ( points to his crew . )
    I'm down with the P.C.H. Hustlers. And dems over dere.
    Brad points to three white wannabes in another corner .
    BRAD
    ( O.S . )
    The Calabasis Crabs. and behind dem.
    We PAN TO another table , where four thug posers sit .
    BRAD
    the Palaside Pimps.
    SHONDRA
    Damn. How do you deal?
    BRAD
    All day every day.
    She smiles seductively .
    SHONDRA
    Was that you droppin' rhymes when I came in?
    BRAD
    Hell yeah, I'm a rhyma on tima.
    Brad hands her his CD .
    SHONDRA
    Mali - boo - tay, huh? Looks phat. You gettin' any air play?
    BRAD
    I'm holdin' out for Power 106. I sent Big Boy a CD, he just ai n't gotten back to me yet.
    SHONDRA
    Sounds just like that fat fool. I'll talk to him ` bout it.
    BRAD
    ( blown away . )
    Hold dup? You know Big Boy?
    SHONDRA
    Hell yeah. I see him at the swap meet almost every Sunday.
    BRAD
    For rizzill?!
    SHONDRA
    For rizzeal.
    BRAD
    Yo. Holler at him for me.
    SHONDRA
    I do n't know. I guess you do kinda got it goin' on. It's funny. I was just on my way down to see him. Wan na roll with me?
    BRAD
    Now?
    ( thinks . )
    Well, tonight was my Seder dinner.
    SHONDRA
    Just helping out a brotha.
    BRAD
    ( kisses Chai . )
    Let's bounce.
    SHONDRA
    I'm just gon na hit the ladies' room, a ` ight, pimp juice?
    She heads off . Brad turns to his posse .
    BRAD
    Yo, y' all, this fine dimey is hookin' me up with Big Boy hisself.
    HADJI
    Shut up!
    BRAD
    I ai n't lyin'!
    They pound , shake , hug .
    HADJI
    Yo, but what about us?
    BRAD
    Start droppin' beats. Soon as I sign with Biggy, we gon na need some sick tracks.
    HADJI
    Bet!
    They all pound as Mocha starts throwing beats .

INT. MALI-BREW BATHROOM - SAME TIME
    Shondra 's on her Nextel cell phone .
    SHONDRA
    It's on.

INT. CAR - DAY
    Sean listens to Shondra on his Nextel , then looks at PJ and nods gravely . 31A .

INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - MOVING - DAY
    They drive along the Santa Monica Freeway , heading east .
    SHONDRA
    So what do you rap about?
    BRAD
    Oh, I can rap about anything.
    SHONDRA
    For real?
    BRAD
    Yeah, lem me kick it freestyle.
    ( raps . )
    ` Traffic, traffic, Lookin' for my Chap Stick, Feelin' kinda carsick, There's a Ford Maverick.'.
    ( back to talking . )
    See? Dat's a million - dollar song right dare.
    SHONDRA
    So, how did you get to be so down?
    BRAD
    I been a playa all my life, girl. And I must say, of all the sisters I been wit', you de finest. So, you got a man?
    SHONDRA
    ( bitter . )
    I did, but I just got through kickin' his sorry ass to the curb. I ai n't nobody's ` gangsta hoochie.' I am an entrepreneur.
    BRAD
    Word.
    ( then . )
    What's that?
    SHONDRA
    A businesswoman.
    BRAD
    Oh.
    SHONDRA
    One day I ` ma have a chain of beauty salons all up in the 90210, just like Starbucks, only instead of coffee, with hair and nails. Makin' sick money turnin' all the rich hoochies ghetto fab.
    BRAD
    That's genius, girl. Damn. You fine and smart too. You gon na blow up huge, no doubt.
    She 's taken aback by his sincerity . She does n't get much validation from guys .
    SHONDRA
    Thank you.
    BRAD
    For real, girl. You like a cross between Martha Stewart and Oprah. I ` ma call you Mothrah.
    She gives him a strange look , then notices where they are .
    SHONDRA
    Take this exit.
    Brad swerves across three lanes of the freeway to take the exit , and suddenly finds himself actually in South Central . He 's awestruck - he notices a homeless guy with a shopping cart loaded with bags of stuff .
    BRAD
    Yo. He really should use delivery.
    Suddenly Sean pops his head into the car and stares directly at Brad . He puts a prop Tec 9 in Brad 's chest and yanks him out of the car .
    SEAN
    Gim me yo ride, punk, or I will dust yo ass. beeyotch!
    BRAD
    What?!
    SEAN
    You're gettin' jacked! Move!
    BRAD
    Shondra?!
    SHONDRA
    Shut up, fool!
    BRAD
    Dis a come - up?!
    SEAN
    No. It's a stickup.
    BRAD
    I think I'm gon na throw up.
    PJ
    And I'm about to wet you up if you do n't move!
    BRAD
    ( meekly . )
    Does this mean we're not going to Big Boy's?
    PJ
    Big Boy's? What this fool talkin' about?!
    SEAN
    You jus' been kidnapped.
    They throw Brad in the car and get in .

INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
    Sean takes off .
    BRAD
    Kidnapped?!
    PJ
    Yeah. We got your rich Gluckman ass now!
    BRAD
    How you know me?
    SEAN
    We saw you on the news the other night!
    ( mocking . )
    B - Rad!
    PJ
    Your papa's gon na pay or you're gon na pay!
    Brad sneaks out his two way and types in . INSERT - TWO - WAY as Brad 's frantic message pops on : `` 911 ! 911 ! I BEEN CAR JACKED ! HELP ! B - RAD ! '' A hand slaps a domino violently down next to the pager as we .

INT. MALI-BREW - WIDE SHOT - DAY
    Monster has just slammed down the winner , and the PAGER with Brad 's message flies off the table and SHATTERS on the floor . Monster , Mocha and Hadji are unaware .
    MONSTER
    Bam! Y' all owe me seven hundred dollars!
    Hadji reluctantly hands her a wad of cash as she laughs .
    HADJI
    A'ight, come on now, let's stop messing around. B told us to lay down some beats for the new album.
    MONSTER
    Lem me go free style.
    HADJI
    Free style, please! Your momma rap better than you.
    MONSTER
    Do n't you talk about my momma.
    HADJI
    I'll talk about your momma all I want.
    MONSTER
    You ai n't got the bizalls, bitch!
    HADJI
    Oh yeah? Peep dis. Your momma's so poor, when she shops at Barneys, she has to drive herself!
    MOCHA
    Oooh!
    MONSTER
    Yeah? Well your momma's so poor, when she went to Monte Carlo, she flew commercial.
    MOCHA
    Dang!
    HADJI
    Your momma's so poor, her round the world cruise ended in Spain!
    MOCHA
    Bam!
    MONSTER
    Your momma's so poor, when she stayed at the Four Seasons, she could only afford three.
    MOCHA
    Oh damn, it's on now!

EXT. SHONDRA'S FRONT YARD - DAY
    The ESCALADE pulls into Shondra 's driveway and SCREECHES to a stop . PJ hauls Brad out of the back as Sean climbs out .
    PJ
    Let's get him inside.
    BRAD
    Dang. Why you doin' this to a brother?
    SEAN
    A brother?
    PJ
    Oh no you did n't.
    SEAN
    Whose brother?
    BRAD
    Yours, y' all. I'm down.
    SEAN
    Down? God damn!
    PJ
    Uh - oh. You done did it now.
    SEAN
    You are not black! You can never be black. And your perpetratin' ass is stealin' the only thing I got - my culture!
    PJ
    What the hell makes you think you know what's goin' down in the ` hood?!
    BRAD
    B.E.T.
    PJ
    You think this is a joke, wigga?!
    BRAD
    I'm sorry. Do n't be hatin'.
    SEAN
    You a long way from the beach now, punk! You in South Central. The ghetto. The ` hood. It's hard core up in here! People here die every day!
    Two LITTLE GIRLS are walking by .
    LITTLE GIRL #1
    Hey, Shondra! Can you come on by later? Princess just had her litter of puppies.
    SHONDRA
    ( seeing Brad looking puzzled by this ; waving . )
    Okay then.
    PJ
    ( covering . )
    They're pit bulls.
    SEAN
    Mean pit bulls.
    PJ
    Now get ya ass inside.

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - DAY
    Sean and PJ push Brad in . Bars are on the windows . Sean pats Brad down , and pulls out his pager .
    SEAN
    You got anything else on you, fool?
    BRAD
    Uh. just this.
    Brad pulls out another pager , a phone , another phone . Sean and PJ both pull several more out of his other pockets , as well as his wallet .
    PJ
    All that James Bond electronic crap ca n't save you now, fool. Sit ya ass down.
    Brad does , and PJ duct - tapes his hands behind his back .
    PJ
    We gon na go call yo daddy.
    SEAN
    You better pray he home. If he not, you're one dusted trick!
    Sean , PJ and Shondra exit , slamming the door behind them .

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
    Sean and PJ immediately drop their bad - ass personas .
    SEAN
    Did you buy my rage?
    PJ
    You're indicating.
    SEAN
    I'm indicating?
    PJ
    ( imitating . ) '
    I will smoke your dumb wigga ass'? Come on.
    SEAN
    ( imitating back . )
    ` If he not, you're one dusted trick!' Please!
    SHONDRA
    Would you two fools shut the hell up?
    SEAN
    Sure, Shondra, sorry. You're on. Go play good cop. We've got ta call Tom.
    Shondra rolls her eyes and heads back into the room .

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
    Shondra enters . Brad turns away .
    SHONDRA
    You a ` ight in here?
    BRAD
    Oh yeah. I just been kidnapped, carjacked, hands tied behind my back, but other than that, it's all good.
    SHONDRA
    Look, I'm sorry about all that, it was n't my idea.
    BRAD
    I thought you liked me.
    SHONDRA
    I do.
    BRAD
    Then how come you set me up?
    SHONDRA
    I had to. They.
    ( emotional . )
    . they threatened to kill me if I did n't play along.
    BRAD
    ( wide - eyed . )
    For real?
    SHONDRA
    Oh yeah. They straight - up killas.
    BRAD
    ( even more wide - eyed . )
    For Real?!
    SHONDRA
    Lem me school you on something, help you to stay alive, a ` ight? The one thing they hate more than anything, that really sets them off, is posers.
    BRAD
    I feel you, girl, me too.
    SHONDRA
    I'm talkin' ` bout you!
    BRAD
    Me? But I hate posers! I got a Ph.D.. - a Poser - Hater Degree.
    SHONDRA
    Come on. Quit frontin'.
    BRAD
    I ai n't fron ` in'.
    SHONDRA
    Listen to reason. If you just be a nice little white boy and say you're sorry, I think I can convince them to let you go.
    BRAD
    Damn. I am who I say I am. Why wo n't anyone believe me? This is a issue that's been comin' up a lot in my life lately.

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
    Shondra exits , shakes her head `` no '' to Sean and PJ .
    SEAN
    What's next?
    PJ refers to the itinerary they got from Tom .
    PJ
    How about. number three?
    SEAN
    Yeah, perfect. Let's take it to another level, my man.
    He and PJ `` get into character '' and head in .

INT. SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
    They enter and glare at Brad .
    SEAN
    A'ight, we put the call in to yo pops, and you know what he said?
    BRAD
    Huh?
    PJ
    That he'd have to think about it.
    BRAD
    ( incredulous . )
    What? Straight up?
    PJ
    He's not sure he wants you back, cuz.
    SEAN
    Ca n't see as I blame him.
    BRAD
    Come on, y' all, quit hatin'. I'm just a rapper, that's it.
    SEAN
    Wigga please!
    Sean cuts the duct tape with a blade .
    SEAN
    Come on.
    PJ
    What you doin', fool?
    SEAN
    I ` ma teach this little white girl a lesson!
    PJ
    No, dawg, stick to the plan. Lay low here at the crib'til we get the ransom.
    SEAN
    The plan just done changed, Tree. Wannabe claims he down, I ` ma show him just how un - down he is.
    Sean yanks Brad out by his collar .

INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - LATE AFTERNOON
    Sean pulls in and parks in front of a small Korean grocery .
    SEAN
    A'ight, Malibu, go get us six 40s of O.E.
    PJ
    And a fifth of Henny.
    ( to Sean . )
    Anything else?
    BRAD
    I'd like some Pringles.
    SEAN
    This ai n't a picnic, bitch!
    BRAD
    I'm sorry, I'm sorry. y' all got some duckets,'cause I'm tapped.
    SEAN
    You about to go up in there and give this Korean bitch yo ends? Hell no.
    PJ
    You jack that shit.
    SEAN
    And if the Asiatic gives you any static, show the brotha this.
    He hands Brad one of the prop guns - a Glock . It 's heavier than Brad thought . He drops it .
    PJ
    Little trick claims he down, ca n't even swing a gat.
    BRAD
    But.
    SEAN
    Do it, punk, or I'll use that on you.
    BRAD
    Okay, a ` ight, I'll do it.
    PJ
    You try to get away, I ` ma let you get a little taste of my steel, understand?
    He holds up his prop gun .
    BRAD
    I feel you.
    Brad sticks the prop gun into his pants and gets out . As soon as he 's in the store , Sean and PJ burst into laughter .
    PJ
    This is gon na be classic.
    SEAN
    He's gon na run out of there a scared little white boy.
    They laugh again and pound it .

INT. KOREAN GROCERY - SAME TIME
    Brad walks in , very nervous . He looks back - his car is parked so that PJ can see him through the door . PJ smiles and shows him the gun again . Brad swallows and approaches the counter . The KOREAN GUY behind it watches him closely .
    KOREAN GUY
    Yes?
    BRAD
    Yeah, uh, where the Old English at?
    KOREAN GUY
    Back there, under security camera.
    BRAD
    Thank you, sir.
    Brad hurries to the back of the store , and spots a door by the beer cooler . He tries to open it . It 's locked . Brad looks up to the security mirror and sees that the Korean Guy is watching him . He moves to the beer cooler and tries to calm down .
    BRAD
    Namyoho renge kyo, namyoho renge kyo, namyoho renge kyo and whatnot.
    It 's not working . Brad tries a cleansing breath . It does n't help either . Brad gathers up an armful of Old English 40s and heads for the front . The Korean Guy watches him as he walks past the counter toward the door .
    KOREAN GUY
    Can I help you?
    BRAD
    Naaw, but I ` ma help myself to all this O.E., and whatever else I want!
    KOREAN GUY
    No, stop.
    Brad drops the beer . It CRASHES to the floor in SLOW MOTION . Brad makes a crazy , threatening face as he pulls back a fist , but the Korean Guy throws a fast right hand , landing squarely on Brad 's chin . Brad goes down like a sack of hammers ; then we FLASHBACK TO : Moments earlier : We realize we 've just been in a fantasy , as Brad again approaches the counter with his beer .
    KOREAN GUY
    Can I help you?
    BRAD
    ( nervous . )
    Let me axe you something. Ever been robbed?
    KOREAN GUY
    Oh sure. Last week was my fifty - fourth time. But they were cool, no gun to head, never scream ; you know, good people.
    BRAD
    Cool.
    He sets the 40s on the counter , then reaches into his waistband for his gun , and we .

INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - SAME TIME
    SEAN
    How much did you have to give this guy, anyway?
    PJ
    What are you talking about?
    SEAN
    ( slowly . )
    When you set this thing up yesterday, what did you pay?
    PJ
    I thought you set it up.
    SEAN
    You mean the owner does n't know this is all fake?
    PJ
    Oh damn.
    SEAN
    Get in there! He could get shot!
    PJ
    I'm not going in there! You go in there!
    They continue to argue as we .

INT. KOREAN GROCERY - CASHIER COUNTER - SAME TIME
    Brad finishes reaching into his waistband for the Glock , but feels something else . He pulls out a small wallet that was Velcroed to his belt .
    BRAD
    My emergency stash. Thank you God.
    He pulls out a hundred and kisses it .
    KOREAN GUY
    ( cheerful . )
    Glad you got cash,'cause if you try to jack me, I was gon na have to lay you out wid dis.
    He whips a .44 from under the counter and aims it at Brad .
    KOREAN GUY
    and wid dis.
    The Korean Guy 's wife has an AK - 47 on Brad , the red dot of its laser sight trained steadily in the middle of his forehead .
    KOREAN GUY
    And wid dat.
    The Korean Guy 's six - year - old boy has a sawed - off shotgun pointed at Brad 's knees . The gun is bigger than the boy . The Koreans laugh at Brad . Brad drops the hundred on the counter .
    BRAD
    Keep the change.
    KOREAN GUY
    ( ringing it up . )
    Thank you very much. Come again.
    As Brad looks out to make sure PJ and Sean have n't seen anything , the Korean Guy sticks the receipt in between two of the 40s . Unaware , Brad gathers his stuff and heads to the door .
    BRAD
    Uh, I know this is gon na sound wack, but what I'm about to do is just a joke, so do n't shoot me, okay?

EXT. KOREAN LIQUOR STORE - SAME TIME
    Sean and PJ , who are just running up to the door , watch stunned as Brad exits the store , pulling his gun out .
    BRAD
    That's right! Next time I'll bust a cap in yo trick ass!
    PJ
    Did he actually do it?
    SEAN
    This ca n't be happening.
    BRAD
    ( still shouting . )
    Yeah. I ` ma come back later and get some more.
    Brad turns to the guys .
    BRAD
    Let's dip!
    SEAN
    ( incredulous . )
    You did it?
    BRAD
    Straight up. Trick did n't do nothin'.
    PJ
    Yo, what up with this?
    PJ pulls the receipt off of his 40 .
    PJ
    If you jacked this, how come you got a receipt?
    Brad freezes . They both stare at him .
    BRAD
    I stole that too!

INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - SPA - NIGHT
    Bill and Tom lie facedown on matching massage tables , while massage therapists rapidly pound their backs . ANGLE UNDER TOM 'S TABLE Tom is reading the itinerary through the face hole in his table . As the masseuses pound their backs , Tom and Bill 's voices vibrate .
    TOM
    a meet and greet with Greenpeace, then drinks with the offshore oil lobby.
    CLOSE ON BILL face through hole .
    BILL
    Terrific. How's the Brad project doing?
    TOM
    ( O.S . )
    Smooth. he's in South Central.
    BILL
    And he's okay?
    TOM
    ( O.S . )
    He's in excellent hands.

EXT. KOREAN LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT
    Sean , holding Brad by the shirt , slams him against the Escalade .
    SEAN
    I've about had it, boy!
    BRAD
    Who you callin' boy?
    SEAN
    You got about five seconds to get real, or I ` ma Timbo stomp your ass to de curb!
    BRAD
    What do you mean, get real?!
    SEAN
    Act your white self!
    He shoves a prop gun into Brad 's ribs .
    SEAN
    Five! Four!
    BRAD
    ( freaking . )
    Okay, a ` ight, chill.
    Brad takes a deep sigh , looks them in the eye , and begins to talk like a conservative white guy .
    BRAD
    I guess I now know I can never be as cool as you guys. I promise I will never, ever front or act like a thug again, and I'm really really sorry if I offended you.
    Sean and PJ move off to the side .
    PJ
    You buying it?
    SEAN
    I ca n't tell.
    PJ
    Me either.
    SEAN
    Let's give him the test.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - ANGLE ON BRAD - NIGHT
    Brad , in the seats , eating popcorn non - stop . He is flanked by Sean and PJ . They both watch Brad , as he stares at the horror film play on the screen .
    SEAN
    ( off Brad 's look . )
    You a ` ight, man?
    Brad snaps out of it for a minute .
    BRAD
    ( `` white '' guy . )
    Great, fine. Terrific popcorn.
    SCARY MUSIC KICKS IN ; Brad 's eyes snap back to the screen . He struggles to contain himself . The MUSIC INTENSIFIES , we hear FOOTSTEPS , then a DOOR HANDLE TURNING , and Brad ca n't hold on any longer . He leaps up , screaming .
    BRAD
    ( as himself . )
    Run, bitch, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun! He gon na kiiiiiilllllll you!
    Other Patrons -LRB- multi - ethnic -RRB- turn and angrily `` shush '' Brad . Sean and PJ lock eyes : he failed the test .

INT. ESCALADE - DRIVING - NIGHT
    Sean and PJ are furious . Brad is apologetic .
    BRAD
    I'm sorry, y' all, but this is just who I am. I'm a rapper straight - up.
    SEAN AND PJ
    Wigga, please!
    BRAD
    No, for real. I can rap about anything.
    ( goes into rap . )
    ` Bloodbath and Tree, hang all day, They real tight, but they ai n't gay. No, they okay.'
    PJ
    ( incensed . )
    You think you got mad skills, huh? Well, we'll see about dat.

EXT. PROUD CHICKEN - LATER
    Sean , PJ , and Brad approach the club .
    SEAN
    I done had it with you, fool. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself. This ai n't Malibu!
    BRAD
    ( sotto . )
    Represent.
    PJ
    Yeah, we gon na see what you represent neeow. We at the club.
    SEAN
    Cube, Snoop, they all came up through here.
    PJ
    You want to prove yourself, this the place to do it.
    They shove Brad into the club , then turn to each other and giggle like school girls .
    SEAN
    This is definitely gon na do it.
    PJ
    Pay day!
    They pound and follow Brad into the club .

INT. THE PROUD CHICKEN - NIGHT
    Brad enters and takes in the club . Think 8 Mile . Hardcore GANGSTER TYPES and some tough HOME GIRLS check out rapper , DROP , whose ferocious , gravel - voiced raps show you exactly what kind of place you 're in .
    SEAN
    How you feelin' now, Malibu?
    BRAD
    Finally, a place where I feel at home.
    PJ
    ( disgusted . )
    Get yo' ass in there.
    Brad boldly fist - shakes jaw - dropped patrons as he wades through the crowd , AD LIBBING `` Whassup ? '' and `` Pardon me , homey . '' ON STAGE DROP finishes and the MC brings up STEEL and YOUNG DRE , announcing the Battle Rap Competition . Steel and Young Dre battle - both are top - notch . At every insult , the crowd ROARS . ON BALCONY Shondra is talking to a HOME GIRL , checking out the crowd below . She suddenly sees Brad . She 's eyes - wide horrified . Steel finishes , the crowd CHEERS , and Young Dre starts in on the mic . SAME SCENE - MEANWHILE Sean and PJ leave Brad and fight through to the DJ table , where the MC is standing , timing Young Dre . Brad looks around , then up . He sees Shondra and starts for the stairs . ON THE BALCONY
    TEC
    ( O.S . )
    Hey, girl. Where you been?
    She turns and faces TEC , her ex - boyfriend , a no - nonsense roughneck gangbanger . He 's very soft - spoken , almost expressionless .
    SHONDRA
    None of your damn bizness, Tec. Now let go.
    She yanks her arm away from him .
    TEC
    Y' all been busy, huh?
    SHONDRA
    Too busy for you.
    TEC
    You been gettin' busy?
    SHONDRA
    Hell no.
    TEC
    Come on, girl, I'm cool. Just tell me who it is.
    SHONDRA
    All you need to know is that it ai n't you, okay?
    TEC
    You know, you ai n't shit, Shondra. You're just a chickenhead, and that's all you'll ever be.
    Just then , Brad walks up , grinning like a fool .
    BRAD
    What up, girl?!
    He gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek .
    SHONDRA
    You a ` ight?
    BRAD
    I'm fine, but you the finest!
    ( to Tec . )
    She a genius too, man! I'm tellin' you, one she gets set up, Mothra gon na blow up like Rosie O'Donnell's head!
    TEC
    Do n't tell me you been hittin' that?
    She tries to pull away , but Tec holds on tight .
    BRAD
    Damn, man. Do n't you know how to treat a lady? That's not nice.
    SHONDRA
    Brad, do n't -
    TEC
    It's cool, Shondra. The brutha's right.
    Tec releases Shondra 's arm and immediately grabs Brad by the throat and hangs him over the balcony .
    TEC
    Did n't yo mama teach you to mind you own bizness?
    BRAD
    ( being strangled . )
    Do n't be hatin'.
    SHONDRA
    Do n't do it, Tec!
    BRAD
    Auuuuuuuuu!
    Tec feels everyone looking at him . Now is not the time . He releases Brad and composes himself .
    TEC
    Y' all both gon na be sorry.
    Tec stalks off .
    SHONDRA
    You alright?
    BRAD
    ( coughs . )
    I'm okay. Who was that?
    SHONDRA
    Old history. Come on.
    Shondra grabs Brad and moves him to the stairs . AT THE DJ TABLE Sean and PJ finally make it to the MC , who stands with the DJ .
    SEAN
    Yo!
    Sean bumps the DJ table . A vicious look from the DJ , as Sean tries to play it off . The MC just looks at him disdainfully .
    PJ
    Uh. My boy want Young Dre next.
    The MC looks them over .
    MC
    Hell, nah.
    SEAN
    Maybe a C - Note would open some. equal opportunities?
    MC
    ( takes the cash . )
    What's his name?
    SEAN
    B - rad. From Malibu.
    The MC makes a face , but puts down Brad 's name anyway .
    PJ
    ( enthusiastically . )
    Hey playa. You got any Will Smith back there?
    The MC just looks at him . SAME SCENE - MEANWHILE Shondra hauls Brad down the stairs and stops near the entrance .
    BRAD
    Damn Shondra, where's the fire at?
    SHONDRA
    ( fishing in her bag . )
    You're going home.
    BRAD
    You settin' me free?
    SHONDRA
    No. I'm savin' your ass. I'm not havin' your blood on my hands.
    ( hands him keys . )
    It's the blue Honda across the street.
    FROM THE STAGE
    MC
    A - ight y' all. Up next, to challenge Young Dre, we got. B - rad from Malibu.
    Looks of confusion , as the Crowd searches for `` B - rad . ''
    SHONDRA
    Wait a second. Brad, do n't do it.
    Brad turns to Shondra , looks at the keys , and shakes his head .
    BRAD
    Shondra, I gots to do ` dis. this is my shot. I got ta prove myself.
    Shondra ca n't argue . Brad starts to the stage . A WAVE OF SHOCK , as the crowd realizes who B - rad actually is .
    SHONDRA
    This is gon na be like an episode of ` Oz.'
    Brad gets his game face on and walks the gauntlet on his way to the stage - an imposing path of intimidating looks . He is then dragged up onto the stage . He misinterprets the ANTAGONIZING CHANTS as encouragement and tries to high - five the crowd - no takers . The MC and Young Dre laugh at him .
    YOUNG DRE
    Nah, nah, nah. I ai n't gon na battle no bitch. What am I? Ike Turner?
    The crowd LAUGHS . Brad cluelessly laughs along with them .
    MC
    A - ight, a - ight. We got ta do this. Yo, Saltine. Heads or tails?
    BRAD
    Tizzaizzlszzs!
    Everyone is totally confused .
    BRAD
    ( apologetic . )
    Tails. I want tails.
    The MC flips and `` tails '' it is .
    MC
    You wan na go first?
    BRAD
    Nah. Ladies first.
    Brad LAUGHS , turning to the crowd to appreciate his lame burn . Nothing . Young Dre looks furious . Young Dre grabs the mic and the DJ spins . Young Dre proceeds to incinerate Brad . With every line , the crowd goes insane . -LRB- NOTE : Actual Young Dre Rap to Come . -RRB- As Young Dre flows , Brad is visibly shaken , but tries to play it off - not so discreetly scribbling notes on his hand and up his arm . Young Dre finishes with devastating blow , dropping the mic on the stage . The crowd goes wild .
    MC
    Whooo. GOD DAMN! Now, let's see if this Eminem melts in yo ass and in your hand.
    The DJ kicks the beat and the MC throws Brad the mic . He misses it and it drills him in the forehead . The crowd LAUGHS . Brad tries to regain his composure .
    BRAD
    Can we start again? I lost my place.
    TAUNTS and LAUGHS as the beat plays again . Brad wags his head , ready to come in strong . He looks down at his notes . He 's sweating so badly his arm is a mess of runny ink . He freezes again . The crowd is really on him now - collectively making the `` choke '' sign .
    BRAD
    I'm cool. I'm cool.
    Brad finally starts up .
    BRAD
    ` You big and rough, You act all tough, I bet in your childhood You never had much love.
    ( finishing . )
    Alert the media, I'm a rap encyclopedia, My shrink says I suffer from a case of gansta - phrenia, I'm tryin' to be meania, I'm feeling much vigor, I'm the `` Bu's'' number one, hardcore NIGGAA!
    Complete silence .
    PJ
    ( terrified , to SEAN . )
    Let's get the hell out of here.
    Brad looks around as blank faces stare back at him .
    BRAD
    I'm sorry.
    The crowd erupts with outrage and rushes the stage . BRAD WAILS with terror as he 's passed hand - over - hand above the CURSING CLUB PATRONS , -LRB- crowd surfing - style -RRB- toward the exit . Four THUGS run Brad out of the back door , into the .

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
    where they launch him into the dumpster with a resounding THUD . Brad 's landing causes the lid to SLAM violently shut , and forces Sean and PJ , who 've been hiding behind it , to pop up .
    SEAN
    What was that?
    A RUMBLE comes from the dumpster and they pull back the lid . ANGLE ON : Inside the dumpster where Brad lies in the bottom - his fall was broken by several loaves of old Wonder Bread . PJ and Sean fall into hysterics , as Shondra emerges from the club . She finds PJ and Sean apoplectic with laughter , shakes her head and begins to help Brad out of the dumpster . BY BAR Tec watches it all going down . SNUFFY , 20 , skinny but tough - looking chollo , and not a member of Tec 's crew , is standing next to Tec .
    SNUFFY
    You gettin' played, ese.
    TEC
    Excuse me?
    SNUFFY
    ( laughing . )
    Loco boy hittin' your lady, homes, and she's diggin' it.
    TEC
    Yeah, Snuffy, that's right.
    Tec starts to laugh , then suddenly his fist explodes into Snuffy 's face . Snuffy drops , and Tec starts to stomp him until his boys , 8 - BALL and DEUCE , pull him off .
    8-BALL
    Not here, Tec.
    TEC
    A'ight, y' all, let's roll.
    DEUCE
    Whatchoo wan na do?
    TEC
    Bag me a white boy.
    As they move toward the exit we .

EXT. HIP-HOP CLUB - NIGHT
    Sean and PJ are laughing uproariously . Brad walks in between them , devastated . Shondra 's behind , looking bummed out as they head for the car .
    SEAN
    Hey y' all, check this out. I can rap about anything! Haaa!
    PJ
    Word.
    ( bad white rapping . )
    ` Listen, all you rappers, the name's Brad Gluckman. When on the mic you could say I really suck man!'
    They burst out laughing . Brad just stares ahead , pouting , sick to his stomach .
    SHONDRA
    A'ight, y' all had your fun, why do n't you chill.
    PJ
    ` Cuz B - Rad G about to get ill!
    They burst out laughing again as they head for the car .
    SEAN
    Damn. I have n't laughed like that in a long time. ` Fess up, boy, you ca n't hang.
    BRAD
    I just want to go home.
    PJ
    Uhn uhn, ai n't happening. By the way, forgot to tell you. We heard from your pops, and guess what? He ai n't payin'.
    SEAN
    He thinks y' all belong down here in the ` hood with us brothas, seein' how you so ` down' and all.
    PJ
    So, I guess that means we got to ice your punk ass.
    BRAD
    I do n't care no more. I got nothin' to live for. Go ahead and smoke me.
    Brad gets in the car . Sean and PJ look at each other - this is n't what they expected .

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    -LRB- NOTE : Scene A50 was formerly scene 54 -RRB- Brad 's lying on the bed , looking up dreamily .
    VOICE
    ( O.S . )
    Psst. Hey, dawg.
    BRAD
    Huh?
    VOICE
    ( O.S . )
    Down here, dawg.
    Brad looks over the edge of the bed . A small gray RAT looks up at him .
    BRAD
    Stuart Little?
    RAT
    Negro, pleeeze. That little white rat ai n't got nothin' on me - yo, I'm Ronny rizat, represizzat.
    BRAD
    I ai n't never seen no talking rat before. Although at the Malibu County Fair they had a chicken that played tic tac toe. Man, I hated losing to that chicken.
    RAT
    Why you so down, dog?
    BRAD
    I'm a failure.
    RAT
    Nah, nah it's not like that. You need to stop listening to what all them perpetrators is running and believe in yourself.
    BRAD
    For real?
    RAT
    For riz - real. Pound it.
    They punch it in .
    BRAD
    So you saying if I put my mind to it I can be whatever I want to be?
    RAT
    Damn straight.
    BRAD
    I could be a highstylin' pimp?
    RAT
    They stylin - est..
    BRAD
    I could drive a mad'63 El Camino with 43 - inch gold - plated dubs and a trunk full o' bitches?
    RAT
    You could have a roof rack full of bitches. And some teeny - tiny little bitches in the glove compartment.
    BRAD
    And I could be the biggest rapper in the world.
    RAT
    Rapper? Hell no! You stink! I'd rather eat garbage than listen to your tired ass rhymes.
    ( thinks about it . )
    Hmmm, garbage. That's making me hungry. Peace out.
    The Rat runs off . Brad sighs , flops back down on the bed , utterly depressed .

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    Brad lays on the bed , moonlit through the bars of the window . Shondra enters . Brad rolls over , away from her .
    SHONDRA
    Hey. You okay?
    Brad sniffles .
    SHONDRA
    You know, it's not as bad as it seems.
    BRAD
    It's worse. Everybody's right. My rhymes is weak.
    SHONDRA
    You just need a little experience.
    BRAD
    I should've run when you gave me the chance.
    SHONDRA
    Naw. You were right. I respected you for getting' up there.
    BRAD
    But you heard'em laughing. I ai n't nothin' but a busta.
    SHONDRA
    They just do n't understand you. None of them know how hardcore it is up in. Malibu.
    BRAD
    ( perking up . )
    Yeah?
    SHONDRA
    Yeah with the. traffic, and the. parking, and.
    BRAD
    ( getting excited . )
    Like, when the public be all up in your private beach?
    SHONDRA
    Right. You just got to stick with it, you know, do n't let anyone tell you who you are.
    Brad smiles , looks at her .
    BRAD
    Thanks, Shondra.
    ( beat . )
    You know what I was sayin', earlier, in the car, about being a playa and all? Well. I was just foolin'. I never been with a sister before.
    SHONDRA
    ( mock surprise . )
    For real?
    BRAD
    Except for on the internet.
    SHONDRA
    I never would've known.
    BRAD
    ( shy . )
    I think you about the finest girl I ever met in my whole life, and, well, since they gon na ice me in the morning, I was wondering. could I, kinda like, kiss you?
    She thinks , smiles , then sits down next to him on the bed . Brad sits up and looks at her face in the moonlight .
    BRAD
    You're so pretty.
    SHONDRA
    Thank you.
    Brad leans in and kisses her tenderly . She kisses him back . Encouraged , Brad opens his mouth wide and tries to stick his tongue down her throat . She pushes him back .
    SHONDRA
    I said kiss, fool. Damn.
    She gets up and heads for the door .
    SHONDRA
    I offered you a snack, not the whole kitchen.
    BRAD
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm chill.
    She rolls her eyes and leaves . Brad falls back on the bed , a dreamy smile on his face .
    BRAD
    Totally chill.

EXT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
    Tec , with his crew , drives up , lights out , and KILLS the ENGINE . He looks at the house with death in his eyes .

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    Shondra exits the room and faces Sean and PJ .
    SHONDRA
    A'ight, that's it, this game is lame. I want my money, and then y' all can get out.
    PJ
    But we're not done yet.
    SHONDRA
    You ai n't never gon na be done. Did it ever occur to you two jackasses that this is the way he really is?
    SEAN
    No way.
    PJ
    Not possible.
    SHONDRA
    Whatever. Look, I did what you asked, and I want my money.
    SEAN
    Okay, I'll get it, you know, but settin' everything up was expensive, and I do n't exactly have it right now.
    SHONDRA
    Excuse me? You playin' me?
    Shondra hands Sean the phone .
    SHONDRA
    Y' all get me my money now, or I ` ma go in there and tell him what's up.
    SEAN
    Alright, okay, just relax.
    As Sean starts to dial , we -

INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN OFFICE - NIGHT
    TOM
    Yes, Sean. How's our little project going?
    SEAN
    ( O.S . )
    Great, terrific, we're making real progress here.

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
    Sean reads from the checklist Tom gave him .
    SEAN
    Your suggestions were really helpful. He totally bought the car jack and kidnapping.

INT. SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
    Brad listens intently as Sean continues .
    SEAN
    ( O.S . )
    we staged a fabulous liquor store robbery. Mr. Gluckman's going to be very happy.
    Brad 's eyes widen .
    SEAN
    ( O.S . )
    But, he's still posing, so we wanted to put him in a drive - by shooting next. but, it's a little more money then our original projections.
    Brad slumps back . He ca n't believe it . BACK TO SEAN
    SEAN
    So I was wondering if I could get an advance.
    TOM
    ( V.O . )
    No deal. You get the rest when Richie Cunningham steps through the door here, and not one second sooner, understand?
    SEAN
    But - Mr. Gibbons, hello?

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Brad crawls out from the vent and goes to the mirror .
    BRAD
    Damn. they been playin' me all along. How could dey do dat? How could she do dat?
    ( getting angry . )
    What - ever. If them fools wan na play, then let's play.
    He heads for the door , bad - ass and hardcore .

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
    Suddenly , Brad 's boot comes through the door . WOOD SHATTERS everywhere . Brad steps through with a furious look on his face . Shondra , Sean and PJ stare in shock .
    SHONDRA
    What the hell do you think you're doing?
    BRAD
    Hey! Listen up. Brad G is in da hiz, and things gon na start changin' round here!
    PJ
    ( to Sean . )
    Do something.
    SEAN
    You must be out yo mind. Get back in that room before I beat your ass!
    BRAD
    You feelin' froggy, den leap!
    Sean backs down .
    BRAD
    Anyone else wan na step?
    SHONDRA
    ( slightly attracted . )
    What the hell got into you?
    BRAD
    Shut up, ho.
    SHONDRA
    Who you callin' ho, ho?
    BRAD
    Yo, ho, the same ho that gave up that weak - ass kiss five minutes ago in the bedroom.
    PJ
    Really? Damn.
    SHONDRA
    ( pissed off . )
    Who the hell do you think you are?
    BRAD
    I'm B - Rad G, from ` Bu, representin'! What y' all do n't realize is that I was tryin' to put my mobbin' days behind me, but rollin' with y' all done re - awoke my inna killa. Let's start droppin' bodies!
    Shondra , PJ and Sean watch , stunned , as Brad grabs a prop gun , his car keys and heads out .
    SEAN
    Come on, girl. Let's go!
    SHONDRA
    Uhn uhn. You created that monster, you deal with it.
    PJ
    But we got big a problem here.
    SHONDRA
    Until I see my money, it's your problem.
    Sean and PJ exit quickly .

EXT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    Brad 's at the car door as Sean and PJ exit and run up .
    SEAN
    Where the hell you goin'?
    BRAD
    I need to take a drive.
    PJ
    Come on, man. Chill.
    BRAD
    Today is a good day to die, did n't have to use my A.K.
    ( Ice Cube - like . )
    Yey yey!
    SEAN
    Why you talkin' crazy?
    BRAD
    ( getting in car . )
    Might as well go out in a blaze of glory. My daddy do n't love me, my rhymes is played. I ai n't down enough for y' all -
    SEAN
    ( panicked . )
    No. You down, right PJ, er, Tree?
    PJ
    That's right, Bloodbath, he's very down. As down as they come.
    Suddenly , Tec jumps up , yanks Brad 's door open and shoves a Nine in his side .
    SEAN
    Oh my God.
    TEC
    Get out of the car, white boy.
    BRAD
    Oh, you dat weak fuck from de club.
    Tec ca n't believe what he 's hearing .
    BRAD
    ( not impressed . )
    Got somethin' for me?
    TEC
    ( pulling a Tec 9 . )
    Just this cap, fool! You ready to die?
    BRAD
    Ai n't that a coinky - dink? I was just talkin' to my homies about just dat.
    TEC
    Move!
    BRAD
    ( getting out of car . )
    A'ight, but y' all should change up your style, cuz these jackings is gettin' tired.
    He heads for Tec 's car .
    BRAD
    Yo, Bloodbath, if there's one tiny scratch on my ride, I ` ma eat y' all's children.
    ( cheerfully . )
    Shotgun!
    TEC
    Tape up this fool's hole, man.
    A crew member yanks out some duct tape and tapes over Brad 's mouth , then they throw him in Tec 's trunk and slam it shut . Tec steps up to Sean and PJ .
    TEC
    What should we do with this Bloodbath and his friends?
    SEAN
    ( panicked . )
    I'm not Bloodbath! My real name is Sean James, I'm an actor. I swear!
    TEC
    Is Shondra hittin' the white boy?
    SEAN
    No way, man. She's in on the scam, just like us.
    TEC
    Scam?
    PJ
    Yeah. We're all being paid to pretend to kidnap Bill Gluckman's kid.
    TEC
    Gluckman? The dude runnin' for Governor.
    SEAN
    You've heard of him?
    TEC
    The dawg who's down with bitches and hoes? Hell yeah, I've heard of him. Just'cause I live down here you think I'm ignorant?
    PJ
    We did n't say that, brother.
    TEC
    A'ight then.
    ( looks at Brad . )
    Damn, we got Gluckman's son. Fool's got ta be worth more alive than dead.
    ( to his crew . )
    Let's roll.

INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HQ - TOM'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
    Tom and the campaign strategy team , Brett , Gary and Jen , are eating takeout , mid - meeting .
    TOM
    All the polls say that since Brad's been out of the picture we're up six points.
    BRETT
    We're still dead in the urban demo, though.
    GARY
    Gays too.
    JEN
    There's no way we can win without them.
    The INTERCOM RINGS .
    TOM
    Yep?
    SECRETARY
    ( V.O . )
    I have a Sean on the phone for you, sir.
    TOM
    Put it through.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL STREET - FREEWAY UNDERPASS - SAME TIME
    Sean is on a pay phone , terrified . Tec stands next to him . The Escalade and Tec 's car are parked nearby .
    SEAN
    Tom, we have a real problem.
    TOM
    I told you, no more money.
    SEAN
    I know you said that, but we're in real serious troub -
    Tec rips the phone out of Sean 's hand .
    TEC
    Listen, fool. Gluckman's boy has been kidnapped for real, along with your punk friends.
    TOM
    Excuse me?
    TEC
    If Mr. Governor wants to see his punk bitch son alive again I'm gon na need five hundred grand by tomorrow midnight.
    TOM
    How do I know this is real?
    TEC
    You think your actors are this good?
    Tec puts the phone up to Sean .
    SEAN
    Help us, please.
    ( hiccup . )
    I'm.
    ( hiccup . )
    so.
    ( hiccup . )
    Scared!
    Sean begins to wail . Tec yanks the phone back .
    TOM
    Okay, I'm convinced.
    TEC
    Good. Now get me my money.
    TOM
    Fine. Please do n't do anything until I talk to Mr. Gluckman and arrange the finances.
    TEC
    You got ten minutes.
    Tec hangs up .
    DEUCE
    Now what?
    TEC
    We wait.
    Behind , no one notices as a low rider cruises by slowly .

INT. LOW RIDER - SAME TIME
    It 's Snuffy , his face swollen and bloody from the beating he took from Tec . He 's with two of his homeboys , members of the Rollin ' G gang , checking out Tec and the crew .
    SNUFFY
    Is that him, ese?
    LOC
    Yeah, that's Tec, homes, from the I - 9's.
    SNUFFY
    Call Cyco, tell him to bring it all. We gon na have a party.
    The homeboy works his cell , as we :

INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS WAR ROOM - NIGHT
    Tom stands there with the phone in his hands , shaken .
    JEN
    What the hell's going on?
    TOM
    Brad's been kidnapped for real.
    BRETT
    What?
    TOM
    They want five hundred grand or they'll kill him.
    GARY
    Oh my God.
    TOM
    Now let's not panic. Lem me just think this through for a minute. We could have a very interesting opportunity here.
    BRETT
    Where are you going with this?
    TOM
    Well, the negatives are obvious.
    GARY
    Bill drops out of the race, emotional distress.
    TOM
    I can handle Bill. Let's brainstorm the positives.
    JEN
    There's so many. No more ` Brad problem.'
    BRETT
    Right, right, I'm liking it.
    They start riffing on the idea , getting excited .
    GARY
    With a dead son, the sympathy factor could give us big spike in the female and gay demos.
    BRETT
    We've had such a problem with Bill's rich guy image, we could spin the issue to make him more ` Everymen,' you know, ` crime touches everyone,' like that.
    TOM
    What about a voter backlash, like how could he run on the heels of a tragedy?
    GARY
    No - we push the ` courage under adversity' angle.
    BRETT
    Helps with his leadership profile.
    JEN
    Bill Gluckman, crusader/martyr.
    BRETT
    I've got the image - Bill weeping over Brad's open casket.
    GARY
    Then, after grieving appropriately, he goes on the offensive.
    BRETT
    Bill Gluckman's war on crime.
    GARY
    drugs.
    JEN
    gangs.
    BRETT
    War's hot now.
    GARY
    War's great.
    JEN
    It's just what we've needed.
    BRETT
    It's like a green light to Sacramento.
    TOM
    Next stop, the White House.
    The PHONE RINGS and Tom picks up .

EXT. INDUSTRIAL STREET - SAME TIME
    Tec is on the phone .
    TEC
    What up?
    TOM
    No deal.
    TEC
    Say what?
    TOM
    Bill Gluckman does not make deals with criminals.
    TEC
    That's it, then, fool. I ai n't playin'. His ass is done.
    TOM
    You do what you have to do, and we'll do what we have to do.
    He hangs up and smiles . INDUSTRIAL STREET - SAME TIME Tec hangs up ; as he looks over , Brad is pulled from the trunk by two I - 9s , his mouth still taped . Tec almost feels sorry for him .
    TEC
    That's cold.
    ( to crew . )
    Lose the tape.
    Tec 's homie rips the tape off Brad 's mouth .
    BRAD
    God damn that hurts! I get out of this I ` ma hafta teach y' all some manners!
    TEC
    Your daddy ai n't payin'.
    BRAD
    Yeah, yeah, tell me somethin' I do n't know!
    TEC
    What?
    BRAD
    You heard me, you half - steppin' moist - ass bitch!
    Tec cocks his nine and aims at Brad .
    BRAD
    ( fearless . )
    Oh what, you gon na do me like this? A'ight, then bring it.
    TEC
    It's brought.
    BRAD
    Man up! Put this wannabe out of his misery.
    Tec is stunned - the white boy is n't showing any fear . Brad steps forward , puts the gun to his own heart , and places his thumb on the trigger .
    BRAD
    That gat's real, right? Then do it or I'll do it myself
    TEC
    ( unnerved . )
    Brotha straight - up crazy, and I can not deal with that shit.
    Suddenly GUNFIRE erupts as Tech 's car is HIT with a BARRAGE of BULLETS . Brad , the crew , Sean and PJ drop to the street and roll under the car . Tec has to dive behind a nearby dumpster . ACROSS STREET Snuffy and three Rollin ' G 's are crouched behind their low rider , FIRING away . UNDER CAR The I - 9s RETURN FIRE . PJ and Sean are in the fetal position , freaking out . Brad , thinking it 's all fake , is laughing , having a great time .
    TEC
    Lay down some cover, fool!
    Tec 's pinned down behind the dumpster . He 's without a weapon , and Rollin ' G 's are FOCUSING their FIRE on him .
    8-BALL
    We're tryin', man, but they're too strapped.
    DEUCE
    What the hell we gon na do?
    BRAD
    Punks. Gim me dem gats.
    Brad grabs the Uzis and rolls out from under the car .
    BRAD
    Y' all wan na play? Let's play! You know who you're dealin' with?
    He jumps up on the hood of Tec 's car and OPENS FIRE with both Uzis , laying down a withering rain of lead .
    BRAD
    I'm B - Rad G, from the ` BU, y' all.
    ( out Denzeling Denzel . )
    King Kong ai n't got nothin' on me! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
    ( STOPS FIRING . )
    Damn. These special effects are the bomb!
    ( resumes FIRING . )
    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
    The Rollin ' G 's try to respond , but Brad 's fire is too intense .
    SNUFFY
    Devil's got some balls.
    LOC
    For real! Let's dip!
    They all hop in their convertible and tear - ass out of there as Brad jumps off the cars and follows on foot , FIRING after them as they turn the corner and SQUEAL away .
    BRAD
    It's safe now, y' all.
    Tec emerges from behind the dumpster . The crew rolls out from under the car , followed by Sean and PJ . They look at Brad in awe . They 're impressed .
    TEC
    That was ill! Y' all definitely got juice.
    He offers his fist to Brad . They pound .
    TEC
    Where'd you learn that shit?
    BRAD
    Damn. Jus' MTV.

INT. CHANNEL 5 NEWS ROOM - NIGHT
    HAL FISHMAN reads the night 's news .
    HAL FISHMAN
    Good evening. A Channel Five exclusive. A security camera captured incredible footage of gang violence tonight, as it flared on the streets of South Central.

EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT (GRAINY SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE)
    of Brad , on top of Tec 's car , FIRING the UZIS .
    HAL FISHMAN
    ( V.O . )
    This hardcore gangster, believed to be the notorious ` White Kong,' leader of I - 9 street gang, fires his weapons with wanton disregard for human life or personal property.
    CLOSEUP - BRAD 'S CRAZED FACE in SLOW MOTION as he FIRES .
    HAL FISHMAN
    ( V.O . )
    If you have any information on the whereabouts of this man, call our hot line at 1 - 555 - GANG.

INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BILL AND BESS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
    They sit in bed , stunned .
    BILL
    Oh.

INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
    She 's on the couch , blocking a wig , stunned .
    SHONDRA
    my.

INT. MALI-BREW - MOVING - SAME TIME
    Mocha , Hadji , and Monster , holding half - drunken lattes , are all staring at a TV mounted in the corner .
    MOCHA
    Gaaaaa.

INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS WAR ROOM - SAME TIME
    Tom stares at the TV .
    TOM
    aaaaa.
    And then , in QUICK SHOTS , we INTERCUT BETWEEN :
    BILL
    oooooo.
    BESS
    aaaaaa.
    MOCHA
    aaaaaa.
    HADJI
    aaaaaa.
    MONSTER
    aaaaaa.
    TOM
    aaaaaa.
    SHONDRA
    aaaaaa.
    BESS
    aaaaaa.
    BILL
    oooooo.
    TOM
    aaaaaa.
    MOCHA
    aaaaaa.
    HADJI
    aaaaaa.
    TOM
    aaaaaa.
    GARY
    oooooo.
    JEN
    oooooo.
    BRETT
    oooooo.
    BARISTA
    aaaaaa.
    SHONDRA
    aaaaaad!

INT. MALI-BREW - NIGHT
    MOCHA
    Dat is some hardcore shiznit, y' all!
    MONSTER
    If dat's what you got to do to get on Big Boy's label, count me out.
    MOCHA
    He ai n't with Big Boy, fool! B - Rad's hangin' with some serious bangers!
    HADJI
    What we gon na do, Moch?
    MOCHA
    Bounce to our respective cribs, jack our moms' and pops' biggest gats, jet down to South Central and save his ass.
    HADJI AND MOCHA
    Word.
    MONSTER
    But. what if they do n't have coffee?
    HADJI
    Krista - six Tsunamis to go!

INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HQ - WAR ROOM - NIGHT
    Bill storms in . Tom quickly switches OFF the TV . The staffers move aside as Bill confronts Tom .
    BILL
    Bradley's been involved in a gang shooting.
    TOM
    Are you positive?
    BILL
    His face was on the news, Tom! I think I know my own son!
    TOM
    I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Why do n't you get some sleep -
    BILL
    Sleep? He's shooting the hell out of South Central. We've got to get him!
    TOM
    What about the debate tomorrow in Sacramento -
    BILL
    Forget the debate!
    TOM
    If you cancel, you can kiss this campaign good - bye.
    BILL
    You can shove the campaign up your ass, Tom! I will not lose my son over this election!
    TOM
    I understand you're upset, Bill, but Jesus, for once in your life think outside the box! We can make Brad's whole gang thing a positive.
    BILL
    ( incredulous . )
    A positive!
    TOM
    If he's arrested or, God forbid injured, we spin it so you are the victim, you know, ` crime reaches everyone,' something like that.
    BILL
    You're trying to get votes out of this?
    TOM
    I'm trying to win, Bill, and you do n't seem to care!
    BILL
    I'm his father.
    TOM
    ( laughs . )
    When did that happen?
    BILL
    I guess right now.
    Bill grabs Tom by the shirt and slams him into the wall .
    BILL
    You're fired.
    As Bill takes off :
    TOM
    All right, guys, let's pitch on how I get my job back.
    They just stare at him .
    TOM
    Guys?
    BRETT
    Just so you know, I never liked the way you ran things around here.
    ( walking out . )
    Bill? Mr. Gluckman?
    The other staffers follow Brett out , leaving Tom alone .

INT. BILL GLUCKMAN'S HUMMER - MOVING - NIGHT
    Bill hauls - ass down the 405 , his headset on .
    HUMAN OPERATOR
    ( V.O . )
    This is Lojack.
    BILL
    I need a location on license number.
    ( reluctant . )
    'D - SHIZNIT.'
    HUMAN OPERATOR
    ( V.O . )
    That vehicle is at the corner of McKinley and 82nd.
    INSERT - ON DASH NAVIGATION SYSTEM SCREEN Suddenly a map of South Central appears , with a red blinking dot at the corner of McKinley and 82nd . BACK TO SCENE
    COMPUTER VOICE
    ( V.O . )
    Your destination is a Lojack designated danger zone. Lojack does not recommend you venture into this area.
    RAP BLASTS IN as Bill punches the gas , as we :

INT. TEC'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
    A party is happening : Homies slam dominoes . Home girlz drink beer and talk . Sean and PJ are standing frozen in a corner , quietly crying . Hip - hop gangsters dancing . and finally we FIND Tec and the other I - 9 's gathered around Brad , as Tec solemnly hands Brad a Tec 9 automatic pistol .
    TEC
    That's yours, B.
    BRAD
    For real? You should n't have.
    TEC
    Welcome to the 9's. Only way out now, is in a box.
    BRAD
    In a box. right.
    Brad laughs . They all join in , laughing hard as we -

EXT. HADJI'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    Mocha , Hadji and Monster stand by Hadji 's dad 's Mercedes .
    MOCHA
    A'ight, Monster, what kind of toast you strappin'?
    MONSTER
    ( proud . )
    This.
    Monster pulls a scuba divers ' spear gun from the bag .
    HADJI
    What the hell is it?
    MONSTER
    My pop's spear gat. From the yacht.
    Mocha laughs and starts doing whale sounds .
    MONSTER
    A'ight Free Willy, think you so bad, what you got?
    MOCHA
    ( embarrassed . )
    Never mind.
    He puts an old musty case in the car and starts to close the doors . Hadji stops him .
    HADJI
    Come on, let's see it.
    MOCHA
    A'ight, a ` ight, chill.
    He opens the case , revealing an antique blunderbuss musket , with a flintlock hammer and a bell muzzle .
    HADJI
    Is that a freakin' musket?
    MOCHA
    What? My pops is a collector.
    ( off their looks . )
    Come on, man, pirates used that shit.
    Monster grabs the musket and points it at Mocha .
    MONSTER
    ( imitating a pirate . )
    Aargh, matey, give up yer treasure or I'll bust me harpoon in yer booty.
    Monster and Hadji start laughing .
    MOCHA
    Shut up! Damn posers!
    He snatches the musket from Monster and carefully places it back in the case .
    MONSTER
    Hadji, how ` bout you?
    HADJI
    Could n't get much, yo.
    Hadji opens a duffel and pulls out three Kevlar vests .
    HADJI
    When I told my pops we was going on a drive - by, he gave me three of these.
    MONSTER
    Good thinking, but what heat you got?
    He opens a plastic case , revealing a Stinger rocket launcher and four missiles .
    HADJI
    dis.
    Mocha and Monster are blown away .
    MONSTER
    Dang! Where'd you get all dat?
    HADJI
    ( nonchalant . )
    Christmas present from Uncle Ahmet.

INT. HADJI'S DAD'S MERCEDES - MOMENTS LATER
    Mocha , Hadji , and Monster snap on their seat belts . Hadji flips on the in - dash SOS Mercedes GPS system .
    FEMALE OPERATOR
    ( V.O . )
    Yes, Mr. Amiraslani, can I help you?
    HADJI
    Hell yes, chicken. I need a location on license number D - SHIZNIT.

INT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    The party is now in full effect , the system up and cranked as the CAMERA FINDS Brad 's in the middle of the dance floor , freaking and doing the robot with a couple of sisters . The girls whisper in his ear , he smiles , and they head for a bedroom . Just as they exit , Shondra enters from the kitchen , and finds Sean and PJ , still tied up and terrified .
    SHONDRA
    Where's Brad?
    SEAN
    ( near tears . )
    I have n't seen anything.
    She moves on . PJ lifts up his bound wrists .
    PJ
    Shondra! Little help, please.
    But she 's gone .

INT. TEC'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
    Brad 's on the bed with the two women , who are kissing him .
    BRAD
    Yeah, I just got tested positive. for G.A.M.E.
    SISTER #1
    ( mock surprise . )
    Cool playa.
    SISTER #2
    Let's get busy.
    They laugh when suddenly Shondra comes through the door .
    SHONDRA
    That's the same damn line he used on me, and now this no good deadbeat weak - ass white boy wo n't take care of little Malik.
    BRAD
    What?!
    SHONDRA
    ( sniffles . )
    You know he's yours.
    SISTER #1
    This gettin' heavy.
    SISTER #2
    Let's jet.
    The girls leave .
    BRAD
    Damn, why you throwin' salt on my G.A.M.E?
    SHONDRA
    I'm savin' your lily - white ass. Come on.
    BRAD
    I ai n't goin' nowhere. I'm a I - 9 neow, straight - up. Peep my tat.
    Brad lifts his shirt and shows her the tattoo on his stomach : I - 9 THUG .
    SHONDRA
    ( urgent . )
    Listen, fool.
    BRAD
    Shut up, Shondra! I know y' all set me up, I know it's all fake, de kidnap, de stickup, de whole nizzy.
    SHONDRA
    Oh, damn.
    BRAD
    Why'd you play me, huh?
    SHONDRA
    For the money.
    BRAD
    What you need money Money?! Tch. for?
    SHONDRA
    Look, fool, this may sound stupid to you, but not everybody has money, and to people that do n't, money is important!
    BRAD
    Please. You prob ` ly still flippin' me anyway, so -
    SHONDRA
    Dammit, Brad, this is real. Tec and his crew are real -
    BRAD
    Oh really? Well if Tec is real then this gat must be real.
    Brad pulls his nine .
    BRAD
    And if this gat is real then the in it have got to be real. caps And seein' how my foot is real, this would really hurt. then
    Brad aims at his foot and pulls the trigger and BLAM ! He puts a BULLET through the toes of his sneaks .
    BRAD
    See dat. I just shot myself in the foot and.
    ( feeling pain . )
    It's reaaaaalll! It's totally reaaaaalll!
    Brad starts hopping around the room .
    BRAD
    I just shot my foot! I just shot my foot!
    SHONDRA
    Stop hoppin' around, fool, so I can look at it.
    Shondra gets down on her knees to get a closer look .
    BRAD
    Oh gaawwwd!
    SHONDRA
    Lucky you're such a weak shot. Cap just grazed your toe.
    BRAD
    But, it's real, Shondra, it's all reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!
    Tec enters , gun in hand .
    TEC
    Who's the hell's poppin' ca -
    TEC 'S POV Shondra , on her knees , kneeling before Brad . ANOTHER ANGLE
    TEC
    ( menacing . )
    What up, cuz?
    Shondra stands quickly , scared .
    BRAD
    ( terrified , covering . )
    Ha ha, Tec, my road dawg, yeah, just the man I wanta see.
    TEC
    ( to Shondra . )
    What's goin' on, Shondra?
    SHONDRA
    ( nervous . )
    It's not what it looks like, Tec, I swear.
    TEC
    Do n't you lie to me. That was always my line to you, and it always was what it looked like. Now what's up with your boyfriend here.
    BRAD
    Yo, dawg, love to kick it wit' you and run the whole thizang, but I got some bidness back in the ` Bu, li'l somethin' somethin' with Big Boy and whatnot, so if y' alls do n't mind -
    TEC
    I do mind.
    Tec grabs Brad and drags him out .
    SHONDRA
    No, Tec, stop!

INT. TEC'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
    Tec hauls Brad in , followed by Shondra . The I - 9s draw weapons ; the room fills with tension . Sean and PJ look on , getting caught up in the action .
    BRAD
    Wait, Tec, lem me explain,'cause I do n't belong here.
    TEC
    You done forgot already, fool? I told you the only one way out of the I - 9s, and your ` E' ticket's in this here chamber.
    Tec cocks his gun . ANGLE ON SEAN AND PJ watching Tec , riveted .
    SEAN
    See how committed he is? That's the rage I was talking about.
    PJ
    ( in awe . )
    Word.
    BACK TO SCENE Tec aims at Brad .
    BRAD
    Please, do n't be hatin'.
    Shondra steps in front of Brad .
    SHONDRA
    I wo n't let you do it, Tec.
    TEC
    No problem, then. I'll just do the both of you.
    Tec levels the barrel at Shondra and Brad . He starts to squeeze the trigger when suddenly Bill 's HUMMER CRASHES through the wall . I - 9 's scatter and duck as the Hummer 's front grill skids to a stop inches from Tec . The driver 's door pops open and Bill jumps out .
    TEC
    Damn fool! You just hit my house!
    BILL
    ( ignoring him . )
    Brad! Are you okay?
    BRAD
    Not really. And unless you seriously strapped, you about to be not really okay too.
    Bill turns : six I - 9s are aiming guns at he and Brad .
    BILL
    Hey there, fellas. Bill Gluckman. I'm running for governor.
    TEC
    We know who you are, fool.
    DEUCE
    You the candidate that's down with bitches and ho's.
    TEC
    Tsss. Dude think we ignorant just'cause we live down here. You better recognize.
    BILL
    I absolutely recognize that street violence is tearing Californians apart. You see, guys, California is my family, and hey, here's a thought. Instead of thinking of ourselves as what set we're from, or what crew we're rolling with, why ca n't we just be brothers? What do you say?
    TEC
    ( thoughtful . )
    Hmmm. I guess I never looked at it like that before. What do you say, ` brothers'?
    The I - 9 's smile , cock their weapons , aim them , and just as they 're about to start blasting , the side WALL EXPLODES and Hadji 's dad 's MERCEDES CRASHES through .
    TEC
    Do n't anybody know where the driveway's at?! Damn!
    Gangsters fall back as Hadji , Mocha , and Monster jump out wearing the Kevlar vests and wielding their weapons .
    HADJI
    ( freaking out . )
    Better step, y' all, or I ` ma have to waste all y' all up in this piece!
    MONSTER
    Yeah! Drop yo gats!
    The I - 9s , unafraid , point their guns right back at Hadji , Monster and Mocha . It 's a multi - player Mexican standoff .
    DEUCE AND 8-BALL
    Drop your gats!
    Nobody does . Brad steps out .
    BRAD
    Hold dup, y' all. Before anybody ices anybody I got to say something.
    No one stops him , so Brad turns to his dad .
    BRAD
    You really were n't gon na pay my ransom?
    BILL
    I did n't know anything about that. You've got to believe me, that was not part of the plan.
    BRAD
    What was the plan? Send me down here to scare me white?
    BILL
    It was stupid, I know. I thought I'd tried everything. I just did n't know how to deal with you anymore.
    BRAD
    You've never known how to deal with me'cause you do n't know me, and you never cared to find out. And now that your election's on the line, that's when you take a stand? That's bullshit, Pops. Look at me,'cause this is who I am, and if you ca n't accept that, then I'll walk out that door, never see your sorry - ass again.
    Shondra , Tec , all the I - 9 's and Brad 's posse slowly turn from Brad to Bill , completely caught in the moment , waiting for his response .
    BILL
    I'm not proud of myself, Brad. I made a lot of mistakes, and I know I was n't there for you, and I ca n't change that, but I always loved you and still do.
    ( MORE . )

    BILL
    ( CONT 'D . )
    and if you say this is really who you are, then I believe you and accept you, and from here on in, I promise to be a real father to you.
    BRAD
    Talk is cheap, Pops. Prove it.
    BILL
    I'm here, ai n't I?
    Brad looks at him . Bill looks back . Everyone looks on , riveted .
    BRAD
    A'ight, Pops, we cool.
    BILL
    Much love.
    They pound . ANGLE ON GANGSTERS getting emotional . A couple sniffle , a few wipe their eyes .
    8-BALL
    ( sincere . )
    Wish I could talk to my pops like that.
    DEUCE
    ( emotional . )
    No doubt. He's raising his kid.
    8-BALL
    ( dialing his cell , wiping tears . )
    I ` ma call my pops right now.
    TEC
    Would y' all get a hold of your fool selves?! It's time to waste these punks!
    The I - 9s straighten up and re - aim their guns .
    BRAD
    ( with confidence . )
    Tec, before we all go out in a blaze of glory, can I say one last thing?
    TEC
    ( sighs . )
    Whatchya got to say?
    BRAD
    Moch, kick it freestyle.
    Mocha rests the musket in the crook of his arm , and does his human beat box thing as Brad begins to rap .
    BRAD
    ` What's up with all this fightin'? We all should be unitin'! Y' all egos need deflatin', Gangstas, please, quit all this hatin'.'
    TEC
    Stop, please! If I hear you drop one more rhyme, I ` ma hafta smoke myself.
    BRAD
    A'ight, cool, but all these gats got to go!
    As Brad grabs the missile launcher from Hadji .
    MOCHA
    ( moved , earnest . )
    Word up, B. All this hatin' is wack!
    Mocha slams the butt of the musket down , and the flintlock slams forward . Everyone cringes . Nothing happens . Everyone looks at the MUSKET , then suddenly it EXPLODES and a rusty musket ball FIRES OUT , slamming Monster in the middle of her Kevlar breastplate . She flies back and slams into the wall , causing her spear gun to fire - a SPEAR SHOOTS OUT and lands directly into Brad 's left ass cheek . Brad howls and drops the MISSILE LAUNCHER . SLOW MOTION : everyone watches it fall to the ground . REAL TIME : it hits the floor and the MISSILE FIRES . Brad . Tec . Bill . and Shondra all watch in horror as the missile flies past gang members , through the kitchen door , and slams into the side of the gas oven . We hear a countdown BEEP BEEP BEEP .
    TEC
    Ruuuuuuunnnnn!
    Everyone runs for the nearest hole in the wall .

EXT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    Bodies stream out of the house scrambling for safety when suddenly . The HOUSE BLOWS in a huge orange FIREBALL .

EXT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT
    We CRANE PAST emergency vehicles parked in front of smoldering remains of Tec 's house , then MOVE TO Tec , who is yelling at a cop .
    TEC
    I know my rights, man, and these fools drove two damn cars into my house, then they blew the shit up! This all better be rebuilt before my ma comes back, or she will make you wish you were never born.
    CLOSE ON a FEMALE TV REPORTER speaking TO CAMERA .
    REPORTER
    I have two witnesses who were at the scene of the explosion.
    She turns and the CAMERA WIDENS to include Sean and PJ ; their clothes are singed and still smoking .
    REPORTER
    Can you tell us what happened?
    PJ
    It was hard core, yo. All these crazy busters was strapped to the nines, and I was like, keepin' the peace, telling the brothers to talk it out, find their common bond.
    Sean steps in front of PJ , speaking directly INTO CAMERA .
    SEAN
    ( going for the Oscar . )
    See, the explosion was just a metaphor for the anger we oppressed young men of color have buried deep inside our hearts. hearts turned dark -
    REPORTER
    ( confused . )
    Okay, thank you, Bloodbath and Tree.
    ( turns TO CAMERA . )
    And all of this mayhem is rumored to have been caused by the mysterious White Kong, who remains at large. This is Soon Yi Baxter - Hernandez, reporting from South Central.
    PJ
    ( speaking normally . )
    When's this gon na air?
    SEAN
    Can I get a copy of this? I need it for my reel.
    She glares and they move off . We FIND Brad and Shondra by an ambulance , talking as a paramedic bandages Brad 's ass .
    BRAD
    Aaah!
    SHONDRA
    You alright?
    BRAD
    I'm cool. still a little confused maybe. I'm still not exactly sure what was for real and what was n't.
    SHONDRA
    Well, as far as being real, I can only vouch for two things.
    She kisses him full on the lips .
    BRAD
    I can deal with a little more of that reality.
    They kiss again , then Brad breaks it .
    BRAD
    Wait a minute. You said two things was real. What was the other?
    Shondra smiles as we . CLOSEUP ON BIG BOY
    BIG BOY
    What up, Shondra?

INT. BIG BOY'S MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY
    It 's an incredibly foofy Baroque nightmare .
    BRAD
    Damn, you knew Big Boy the whole time?
    SHONDRA
    I told you we go way back.
    BIG BOY
    So Shondra tells me you drop rhyme.
    BRAD
    Peep dis.
    He hands over a Mali - Bootay CD .
    BRAD
    Once you hear my demo, you're gon na want to give me Eminem play, dawg!
    BIG BOY
    ( taking the CD . )
    I ca n't wait, y' all. Peace.
    Big Boy pounds Brad and they exit . Big Boy hands the CD to a British butler , who puts it in the system . Big Boy puts on the headphones and the butler hits play . Big Boy listens for a minute , then smiles .
    BIG BOY
    I know exactly what to do with this.

EXT. BIG BOY'S BACK PATIO - DAY
    Big Boy stands there in his bathrobe .
    BIG BOY
    Pull!
    Brad 's CD flies into the sky like a skeet clay pigeon . Big Boy raises a GLOCK and BLOWS it to kingdom come .

INT. AMPHITHEATRE - IN WINGS - DAY
    Brad and Shondra stand off to the side of a huge rally .
    BRAD
    Damn. Twenty thousand people, all here to support my pops. He must have charisma.
    SHONDRA
    Like father like son.
    BRAD
    Shondra, girl. I just have to thank you.
    SHONDRA
    For what?
    BRAD
    You the only one who accepted me for who I really am.
    ( beat . )
    You also car jacked me, kidnapped me and tried to turn me white, but I'm gon na let that go.
    They kiss , tongues and all as Bill walks up .
    BILL
    Hey, kids. Sorry to interrupt.
    BRAD
    ( turning . )
    What up?
    BILL
    Well, I'm about to go on and, Brad. I want you to be part of this.
    BRAD
    You mean, be onstage with you?
    BILL
    I need you to help me get the urban vote. Introduce me.
    BRAD
    Dang, I'd be honored.
    BILL
    And, son, do n't say it.
    ( beat . )
    Rap it.
    BRAD
    ( blown away . )
    For real, Pops?
    BILL
    For real, son, for rizzeal.
    Shondra looks on proudly as MUSIC - heavy on emotional strings , swells , driving the movie audience to feel as good as they 've ever felt in a movie . Brad takes the stage .
    BRAD
    Hey, y' all! I'm here to introduce you to my father, Bill Gluckman! The big Gluck!
    A rap beat kicks in as Brad goes all out .
    BRAD
    We all gather here on this special occasion. To listen to my pops, he's your west coast liaison. A speech from him, dude, is like sex with a hoochi. It's hot and excitin', like shoppin' at Gucci! Asians, Jews, Mexicans, too. Everybody's votin', yo, it's a cultural stew. Once he's in office you'll experience great riches. As a thank you for helpin', you can get wit my bitches! Let's get Glucked! Y' all get Glucked! We get Glucked! Come on everybody put your hands up!
    Bill moves onstage and attempts to dance hip hop style .
    BRAD
    Immigration, education, and runaway inflation. It got me so stressed I need to start masturbatin'. California ai n't flowin' like some ol' constipation. Vote for dad or I'll bash your frickin' face in! Come on everybody put your hands up!
    ( MORE . )

    BRAD
    ( CONT 'D . )
    And if my dad wins this election, he'll grow on y' all like a BAD VD INFECTION! Yeeah! We all need a Gluckin'! Let's all get Glucked! GO GLUCK YOURSELF!
    Brad raises Bill 's hand up in victory and we FREEZE . SUPERIMPOSE : Brad did deliver the urban vote . to Bill 's opponent . Bill Gluckman lost the election by a landslide . CLOSEUP ON FREEZE - FRAME TWO - SHOT - SEAN AND PJ SUPERIMPOSE : Sean and PJ landed jobs more suitable to their talents . We WIDEN to reveal Sean and PJ in uniform and working at :

INT. WIENIE IN A BUN - DAY
    We UNFREEZE . Sean and PJ wait on a TEN - YEAR - OLD GIRL .
    SEAN
    Welcome to Wienie In A Bun.
    PJ
    How about a Double Dog?
    Tom leans in , with a `` Manager '' nametag , whispering angrily :
    TOM
    Push the Mega Meal, or you punks are so fired.

INT. MALI-BREW - FREEZE ON MOCHA, HADJI AND MONSTER  DAY
    sitting at their usual table , in mid - argument . SUPERIMPOSE : Mocha , Hadji and Monster continued to do nothing whatsoever , except for order coffee and argue .

EXT. MANSION - CLOSE - FREEZE ON TEC - DAY
    SUPERIMPOSE : Tec sued Bill Gluckman , and was awarded 100 thousand dollars for damage to his house , and another thirty million for emotional distress . Tec moved . UNFREEZE : to reveal Tec leaving his driveway in a Bentley .
    TEC
    What up, neighbor?
    PAN TO Bill , in his Hummer , leaving his driveway . He waves grumpily as we .

EXT. SHONDRA'S NAIL AND BEAUTY SALON - DAY
    SUPERIMPOSE : While waiting for his rap career to kick in , Brad invested his trust fund into a business that made sense . We CRANE DOWN FROM a sign that reads : `` GRAND OPENING , SHONDRA 'S NAIL AND BEAUTY SALON '' to reveal a crowd of Malibu women gathered around Brad and Shondra as Shondra cuts a ribbon with a huge pair of scissors ; the women rush inside .
    BRAD
    ( V.O . )
    I helped Shondra open up her salon right here in the ` Bu.

INT. SALON
    Shondra puts the finishing touches to a woman in a chair .
    BRAD
    ( V.O . )
    She styled up all the ladies in Malibu so they were stone - cold ghetto fabulous.
    Shondra spins the chair to REVEAL : BEES GLUCKMAN with a crazy ghetto hairstyle . She looks like Busta Rhymes . She checks herself in the mirror .
    BESS
    I love it.
    ( alternate . )
    Boo - ya!
    She smiles revealing a GOLD TOOTH with a DIAMOND in it .

INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT SUPERIMPOSE:     FOUR MONTHS LATER...
    L.A. 's own , Hal Fishman reports .
    HAL FISHMAN
    It's official. Bill Gluckman is California's next governor. We have a live report from the celebration at Gluckman headquarters.
    PUSH IN TO the news monitor over Hal Fishman 's shoulder , to .

INT. GLUCKMAN CELEBRATION - NIGHT
    CHEERS , as Bill takes the mic -LRB- As he speaks , we SLOWLY PULL BACK , gradually revealing the people next to him on stage -RRB- .
    BILL
    This is a monumental day for our glorious state and there are several people I need to thank here tonight.
    ( beat . )
    There's the International Brotherhood of Police Officers.
    APPLAUSE , as POLICE OFFICERS salute Bill .
    BILL
    The Southern California Rotary Club.
    A table full of well - dressed PROFESSIONALS wave politely .
    BILL
    And our friends at the Environmental Defense Fund.
    A group of granola - type ENVIRONMENTALISTS smile . Brad CLEARS HIS THROAT , causing Bill to look at him . Brad gives Bill a `` reminder '' nod .
    BILL
    Oh, and of course.
    PULL BACK TO REVEAL : We 're actually in the PROUD BIRD .
    BILL
    ( matter of factly . )
    . all the Bitches and Ho's.
    A pod of SKANKY WOMEN snap their fingers in Bill 's direction .
    BILL
    The Pimps. The Hoodrats.
    The lavishly - dressed PIMPS raise their canes to Bill .
    BILL
    The Association of Korean Grocers.
    An ASIAN FAMILY give Bill the `` thumbs - up . ''
    BILL
    The Playas. The Ballers. The Shot Callers. And a special shout out to the I - 9's.
    ANGLE ON TEC and his gang . They wear dark suits and do rags .
    BILL
    And. The Women's Organization of California.
    A table full of prim ELDERLY LADIES golf - clap and smile .
    BILL
    And most of all, I'd like to thank my campaign advisor on urban affairs, and my son, B - rad G.
    APPLAUSE as Brad grabs the mic at the podium .
    BRAD
    West Coast Reprezzizzin'!
    Bill and Brad hug . HIP HOP MUSIC KICKS IN and the entire Ballroom turns into one huge dance party . Bill raises the roof as he meanders into the celebrating crowd . People of all different races and backgrounds dance together , all having a blast . Hadji grinds on an ELDERLY CONSTITUENT 's ass . she 's into it .
    HADJI
    I'm totally taxing your ass.
    Bess compares her diamond ring to Tec 's Bling - Bling .
    BESS
    You get that from Tiffany?
    TEC
    I think that was the Bitches' name, yeah.
    They continue to marvel at each other 's decorative accessories . ANGLE ON ELSEWHERE IN THE PARTY We see Sean and PJ are caterers , wearing `` Wiener on a Bun '' outfits/hats and circulating among the guests . They approach a well - to - do PARTYGOER .
    PJ
    Would you care for a wiener? Courtesy of Wiener on a Bun.
    SEAN
    Or perhaps I can interest you in a head shot? I'm trained in jazz dance, tap, and I can do a Southern accent.
    Tom enters wearing a `` Wiener on a Bun '' manager 's outfit .
    TOM
    Idiots. What did I tell you about bothering the guests? Now move it, those wieners are n't serving themselves.
    He pushes them out of there .
    BRAD
    ( O.S . )
    Yo, yo, yo.
    Everyone turns to see Brad still at the podium . Confusion .
    BRAD
    Last time I was here, y' all threw my ass out. But now that I haves yo attention, I gots somethin' I got ta say. And I have to do it the only way I know how. Kick it, Moch.
    TEETH RATTLING BASS THUNDERS , as Brad pulls the mic out of the stand and begins prowling around the stage . -LRB- NOTE : Rap can be shortened . -RRB- SLOW MOTION : Panic , as everyone realizes Brad is about to rap .
    BRAD
    I wrote this one just for you, Dad.
    ( starts to rap . )
    Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
    ( stops . )
    I'm sorry, I lost my place again.
    ( remembers . )
    Oh, here we go. Election, erection, I got an infection. My pops, he won, Defying all the pre - dections.
    Sean and PJ -LRB- waiters -RRB- drop their serving trays ; Tec and the I - 9 's dive for Brad at the podium ; Shondra screams , `` NOOOOOO '' . Brad is grabbed and thrown off the stage by the I - 9 's and is projected out over the audience , where we . FREEZE ON : Brad 's terrified face .
    BRAD
    ( V.O . )
    ( cocky as ever . )
    What can I say, ai n't nothing but a thang.
    UNFREEZE and Brad falls to the ground .

EXT. COP CAR
    HAL FISHMAN
    ( V.O . )
    After months of searching the Southland for notorious criminal White Kong, the LAPD has finally made an arrest. The suspect, a black man, was caught earlier today.
    Footage of a BLACK MAN being put in a squad car .
    TOM GIBBONS
    ` White Kong'? Damn! I'm not even white.
    COP
    That's what they all say.
    ( alternate : . )
    Shut up, White Kong.
    FADE TO BLACK . THE END

Summary: The film centers on the family life of Bill Gluckman (Ryan O'Neal), a wealthy Jewish senator from Malibu, California who is running for the office of Governor of California. His son Brad (Jamie Kennedy) is a wannabe "Eminem", preferring to go by the nickname "B-Rad" despite leading a rich, sheltered life. As a result, members of Mr. Gluckman's political campaign become concerned that Brad's idiotic, outlandish behavior will ruin his father's chances at being elected. The campaign team members hire two actors, Sean (Taye Diggs), and PJ (Anthony Anderson), who don't know any more about inner-city life than B-Rad, to act as gang members. They kidnap him, and take him to South Central Los Angeles, where PJ's cousin Shondra (Regina Hall) lives, and they hope B-Rad will be "scared white" after witnessing what inner city life is really like. The trio engages in mildly dangerous activities such as petty theft in order to convince B-Rad that he should return home. The three involuntary become mixed up in a shootout between rival gangs, in which the leader of one of the gangs, Tec (Damien Dante Wayans), becomes impressed at intimidation tactics portrayed by B-Rad as a result of playing Grand Theft Auto. In the meantime, B-Rad develops feelings for Shondra, who at first is unimpressed and annoyed, but slowly begins to enjoy B-Rad's company. B-Rad comes to find out that the entire excursion to head to South Central was a ploy in order for him to be scared of his current mannerisms. His recklessness leads to the trio becoming actually kidnapped by Tec and his crew, unbeknownst to B-Rad, who just assumes this is part of the act. When Bill Gluckman realizes that his son is in actual danger, he rushes over, and uses his trademark negotiating skills in order to ease the situation. In doing so, he realizes that he should just accept B-Rad for who he is, and decides that he will support his son unconditionally. The two reconcile, and When the family returns to Malibu, the film closes with Bill and B-Rad celebrating a Gluckman win in the Senate race.