Getting Rid of the Green-Eyed Monster in Your Marriage
- Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg America's Family Coaches
- 2011 27 Nov
It affects every marriage at one time or another - jealousy. In fact, in a nationwide survey, marriage counselors said jealousy is a problem for one-third of all couples they counsel.
Whether it's a mild or major case, jealousy can have a big impact on your relationship. You may feel jealousy when you experience the heightened threat from a rival. Most of us become jealous when we see our spouse having a great time with a person of the opposite sex - especially if that person seems a little too friendly. No matter how much your spouse may attempt to reassure you, another person's interest in him or her raises all your red flags.
Jealousy can be either healthy or unhealthy. Healthy jealousy is a means to guard your territory. It comes from a sincere care and commitment to a relationship. Unhealthy jealousy includes lies, threats, self-pity, and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurity.
Healthy jealousy guards the heart of a marriage. It guards your jealousy that comes from your spouse in the form of warning of danger ahead. If your spouse is a secure person and desires to protect your marriage against cracks, you need to listen. Confront the issue head-on by finding the reason for the jealousy and then making changes to keep you both out of danger. Listen to your spouse. A husband understands how men think, so it would be foolish of his wife not to heed his warning. A wife can sense when other people have misguided motives. Her intuition is often right on target.
Regard healthy jealousy as a God-given gift that will keep you out of danger.. Women: Trust your husband's instincts. He knows what men want and how they pursue it.
Unhealthy jealousy is altogether different. It stems from comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate, unimportant, inferior, and pitiful. When a person carries this jealousy to pathological extremes, it will dominate a relationship. Some spouses have experienced a lot of loss in life - whether it's divorce, death, or abandonment in childhood - and they may bring unresolved issues into the relationship in the form of jealousy..
Healthy jealousy can guard your heart and your spouse's heart. It can strengthen your marriage and bring you closer together. It can make you feel wanted and loved by your spouse. But when jealousy becomes unhealthy it is destructive and frustrating to contend with. Love is not jealous and possessive. True love thinks about what is best for the other person - not what is best for)
So how do you deal with jealousy in your marriage? Here are some tips for both spouses - whether you have a jealous spouse or you are the jealous spouse.
If you have a jealous spouse:
1. Assess whether you are doing something that provokes the jealousy.
2. Stop that activity or involvement for a time to show your spouse that you're committed to your marriage relationship.
3. Be demonstrative in love toward your spouse.
4. Talk openly with your spouse about the problem. Get his or her take on it (the feelings may be legitimate), and work together to find a solution.
If you are the jealous spouse:
1. Listen to a few trusted friends. Your jealousy may be your own problem, not your spouse's.
2. Be honest with yourself. Ask what is causing the feelings. Are you trying to manipulate?
3. Spend time with God.
4. Think about your spouse more positively. Jealous people use their anxious thoughts and suspicions as cues to misread anything that their spouses do. Instead, take a deep breath and pray - for yourself and for your spouse.
5. Express your feelings to your spouse. Own up to your jealousy. Be honest without being blaming or manipulative.
Originally posted January 5,.