I'm Stephen Hawking and I'm thrilled to release my other PhD thesis: 'Where Bugs Go In The Winter (Hell)'
Hello, I am Stephen Hawking.
In 1966, I published my doctoral thesis, "Properties of expanding universes" at the University of Cambridge. With my permission, the university has recently made that thesis open access for anyone to download, causing their website to crash following the demand. I am happy and appreciative for the response.
That being said, the university still refuses to let anyone see my other, more compelling PhD thesis: "Where Bugs Go In The Winter (Hell)." I am enraged by Cambridge's refusal and I will not stand for it any longer. And so, it is with great excitement that I release selected portions of my other thesis here, on this website.
SEE ALSO: We at Twitter have heard your feedback and are thrilled to announce: the bird logo now has long legs
I admit, "Properties of expanding universes" remains an important piece of cosmological work, and, as a 24 year old, I was thrilled with its reception. However, my heart has always lied with my second, more important line of study: where all the bugs go when it stops being hot outside.
You see — for all of my questions about the universe, about blackholes, about the creation of space as we know it — I had hundreds, if not thousands more about bugs. Where do they go in the winter?How do they come back? And how does that whole thing work? Are they all dead? If so, who are the new bugs that look exactly the same as the old bugs? And just how old are these things anyway?
Space and whatever always came easily to me, you see. I was bored by my work in that field — unchallenged. In bugs/where they go, I found a worthy adversary.
As you can see, it holds up.
Image: mashable composite; shutterstock
But, for all the praise and admiration I received for "Properties of expanding universes," I met equal amounts of quizzical, even antagonistic bewilderment for "Where Bugs Go In Winter (Hell)".
"Stephen, what is this, a joke?" my advisors would ask. "Are you okay, Stephen?" they would prod. "What is all of this shit about bugs, is this what you've been doing in your free time?" my peers would exclaim. "You're a brilliant, unmatched genius about math and physics, Stephen, but good lord, you don't understand bugs AT ALL."
And so, my thesis was hidden away — abandoned. But no more.
My friend Kevin did the drawings. If you're out there, hey Kev!
Image: mashable composite; shutterstock
I am thrilled to see the reaction to my second, more important and good thesis. I am hopeful that it will, all these years later, advance our understanding of these strange, gross creatures that can fly, but also hop and sting. My only regret is that the work was concealed for so long.
The fools refused to publish THIS?
Image: mashable composite; shutterstock
I'm sure I will meet resistance with this study — this is nothing new. In 1966 I was met with a CRAZY amount of resistance, and I made it through just fine.
It is my hope that access to this old thesis will expand the field (bugs) and inspire others to pursue their academic and creative dreams. For anyone, anywhere in the world should have access to this knowledge, which Cambridge so foolishly withheld for so long.
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.