It’s been almost six months, and I still can’t get this off my mind. What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? Why do I even want to fix it? Why do I feel like it’s somehow all my fault? How can you hate someone for two whole years, all the while pretending to be their best friend?
If anyone had asked me who my best friend was, I would have said C. I’ve not had a real best friend since high school and I was really happy to have found someone who felt the same way about things that I did. We both shared a love of horror movies, the more terrible and cheesy the better. We spent many evenings watching them while the boys went out and played. She got married young and eloped to do it, so she understood some of the things Noah and I have gone through as a really young married couple. Plus it was nice to just have another married couple to hang out with. They came over once a week and ate my cooking, and then usually hung out with us on the weekends too. She is a lot like my husband, whom I love dearly, so I could really understand and relate to her. I called her twice a week and we talked for an hour while I drove to class; it was the highlight of my day. I got her my amazing job with an amazing boss that was really perfect for her and really close to her husband’s job so they could carpool. I confided things in her that I haven’t even told my husband. I confided things to her about our relationship, my job, and just me in general. Things I was afraid of and things I wanted most in the world.
They got pregnant and we were happy for them and supported them b/c that’s what friends do. We made sure that if we went out to eat, we went places that had food she could eat b/c of her gestational diabetes. When I cooked, I made sure I made things she was allowed to have. We ditched our other friends to hang out with them b/c our other friends didn’t want to hang out with pregnant people. We shopped for baby gifts and were so incredibly excited. We talked about where we would go and what we would do after they had the baby and how we wanted to come to their house and hang out if they couldn’t go out b/c we were so happy for them.
The baby came and we were so excited he was here. I took off an afternoon of work and got chewed out for it so I could go see him. I wanted to hold him and babysit for him from the moment I saw him. I told them how beautiful he was and listened to them talk about his birth and all the bodily functions he had done so far.
We tried to hang out with them after the baby was born and come to their house so Noah could see him, and they always had other things to do and were always busy. Finally I just asked what was wrong and they informed me that I had upset them at the hospital when I came to visit. They explained, I didn’t see things the same way but I apologized b/c I definitely didn’t want to hurt their feelings. They emailed Noah behind my back and asked him if they could hang out with him and not me. It came out that apparently they had hated me for the whole two years of our friendship and only put up with me for Noah. They called me a slut and a horrible person and told him that he could do better than a bitch like me.
I still have the emails they sent listing out in detail what a horrible person I am. I still think about what they said about me and about how a really important part of two year of my life was a sham and I was the only one who didn’t know. I don’t know how you play someone like that. I don’t know how you carry on hour long conversations with someone you can’t stand. I don’t know how you go to their house every week and eat their food and make conversation and accept their gifts when you can’t stand them. I don’t know how you think you can call me a slut and a bitch and still believe that Noah is going to hang out with you and choose you over me, his wife. Most of all, I don’t know why I’m still this upset. I still cry when I think about it. It came completely out of nowhere. I was totally surprised by everything they said. They in no way led me to believe they didn’t like me. We hang out with people now, and it’s like I’m waiting for the ax to fall. I’m waiting for them to say that they too have hated me the whole time and only put up with me for Noah. It sucks for him too. J, C’s husband, was Noah’s best friend. They talked about cameras and hung out together. J was one of Noah’s only friends to actually be interested the same things Noah was. J sent an apology email. Sort of. Not apologizing for what they said, but apologizing for the fact that he and Noah couldn’t be friends anymore because of “the way things turned out.”
How do you let go?