Still no resolution. It’s not time to panic just yet, but we’re almost there.
To those who have been living under a rock, the NHL CBA is set to expire on September 15th and if a new deal isn’t reached before then, there will be a lockout. Also, just a side question, what’s it like living under a rock? Is it renter friendly? I may need a place to stay soon as there are too many reminders of hockey in my apartment.
It’s unfortunately so close I can taste it. And it tastes bloody terrible. After yesterday’s look at the young and awesome Vancouver Giants, and last week’s spotlight on the sport of football, I’ve decided to continue the trend of “looking elsewhere” for your sports entertainment.
Nope, sorry I’m thinking of something a little more obscure. Who among us doesn’t love getting in on the ground floor of the next sports craze? I know I do. So instead of focusing on the NBA, MLB or heaven forbid the LTL (Left Turn League aka NASCAR), I’ve hit the internet in search of a sport awesome enough to temporarily fill the hockey void in my life.
You don’t have to speak the language to love the sport. In four days it’s going to get awfully crappy around here, so here are seven obscure sports I’m going to follow instead.
I’m also going to find a way to get a pool going for each of them. If you want in, let me know.
Day 11 – Alternatives.
Sport # 1 – Hurling
What is it? I was on a date once (yes, it happens!) and the television in the bar was playing a sport which I had never seen before. It was fascinating. The girl in question was quite pretty, but I became incredibly engrossed in what was happening on TV. She didn’t go out with me again (definitely saw the future of me keeping one eye on the TV while conversing with her) but my affinity for the sport of Hurling remained.
Simple Terms: Baseball, soccer and rugby banged and Hurling was their offspring. Their incredible offspring.
Sport # 2 – Sepak Takraw (translation: “GREATEST THING EVER”)
What is it? The most amazing sport involving feet on the planet. Yes that is a direct shot at soccer, kickboxing and extreme foot rub.
Simple terms: “No hands” foot volleyball.
Sport # 3 – Botaoshi (translation: “CRAZY JAPANESE POLE GAME OF DEATH”)
What is it? One of the most intense and brutal sports I’ve ever seen. In a nation filled with crazy sports and athletic deathwishes, the high art of Botaoshi impresses even the most jaded sports fans. One team of 75 protects a pole. One team of 75 needs to tear it down. Yep, those numbers are correct. Holy freaking yes!
Simple terms: Tear down the pole, let none stand in your way.
Sport # 4 – Octopush
What is it? How Sean Connery says “Octopus”
Simple terms: Underwater hockey with snorkels and the constant threat of drowning.
Sport # 5 – Equestrian Vaulting
What is it? Probably the most irresponsible and dangerous sport I discovered while doing my research. On a list that includes Botaoshi, that statement carries some weight. For people who think gymnastics is just too freaking easy, add a real horse to the mix and watch the fun. Pommels are the laziest breed of horses. They just stand there.
Simple terms: Gymnastics on a freaking horse. This is the maximum amount of badass gymnastics can be.
Sport # 6 – Unicycle Hockey
What is it? … hockey… on a unicycle.
Simple terms: You want simpler terms than that? Fine: “hockey for virgins”.
Sport # 7 – R.P.S.
What is it? A game of intense mental focus and concentration. A sport that will push you to your very limits. An incredible athletic contest that will shatter your preconceived notions of what it means to be “athlete”.
Ok, it’s actually just “Rock, Paper, Scissors”. But they have a league with official rules and everything. So maybe watch some of this instead of hockey?
Or don’t. Yeah, probably don’t.
Simple terms: Ultimate Timewasting Championship
Riveting.
Well that about wraps it up. I said I’d share seven new sports with you, and I have. So I suppose that means it’s time to move on and–
NOPE!
I’ve saved the best for last. A sport that I have legitimately been into for a few years now. One of the greatest combinations of physicality and mental acumen I have ever witnessed. A sport so awesome it could only have been born in the shadow of communism. A contest so beautiful no number can dare be attached to it. It belongs on no countdown, it cannot be ranked and it will not get out of your heart.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you your hockey replacement:
CHESS BOXING!
What is it? Boxing, only instead of sitting in your corner during round breaks, they bring out a chess board and you play your opponent. You can either win by knockout or checkmate.
Think about that for a minute.
Say you are playing chess and your opponent takes your queen. As all my fellow chess nerds out there know, that means your ass in most games. So if the chessboxer makes it to the end of the chess round, he has got to beat his opponent in boxing before another round of chess happens. That means haymakers folks!
On the flip side, if you are getting pummeled in the ring, your only hope is to out-chess your opponent before you have to fight him again. That means… well whatever the chess equivalent of a haymaker is.
Watch some highlights and enjoy.
So that’s what I’m doing today, and while I’ll check back in with the NHL tomorrow, that’s what “Day 12″ is for.
Let us all hope a deal is miraculously reached and there is no “Day 13″….
You folks want more Botaoshi, don’t you?
Amazing.
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You can follow j.Bowman on twitter (@jBowmancouver). He tried unsuccessfully to be the “bad boy of rock paper scissors”. Apparently using a middle finger every round will get you disqualified and kicked out of the sport. Jerks.