Author Archive

Intern Finds Magazine From 2029, TRI Panics

November 22, 2010
By
Oh, I knew it!  Eddie Murphy's a damned cyborg.

It was early Monday morning when TRI intern Jessie Iredale went to retrieve the latest issue of People from the copy room. Lifting up the cover of the copy machine and expecting to see Nick Lachey’s smiling face staring up at her, she suddenly became very still. Fighting the panic rising in her throat,...
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Rare WWI Love Letter Found in TRI Executive’s Vault

November 11, 2010
By
Most Beloved 3

During an uneventful police raid of 89 year-old TRI Board Member Ron Tedwater Jr.’s private holdings, a historical document surfaced. It turns out that Tedwater Senior’s private collection of art and historical works had been passed along to his son, rather than sold on the black market as was widely believed. What was found...
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New Charity “Freaks For Business” Shows Innovation and Poise

November 4, 2010
By
The perfect way to spice up a down economy

Mother nature’s abominations and white collar business: never before have two worlds been so seamlessly enmeshed, thanks to Two Rogers’ newest non-profit, Freaks for Business. Corporations are finding this new class of worker so productive that non-manual freak unemployment rates have plummeted, dropping 50% in the last 6 months alone. This sharp drop in...
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‘Tragedy’ Now ‘Tastee’, Thanks to TRI Employee of the Month

September 2, 2010
By
‘Tragedy’ Now ‘Tastee’, Thanks to TRI Employee of the Month

TRI MIGHTY MISSOURI SLURRY DEPOSITORY-Every month Two Rogers recognizes an employee who goes above and beyond the call of duty; who embodies the spirit of value and dependability, and who is male. This month of August 2010, that employee is Rico Talentino, Director of TRI’s Mighty Missouri Slurry Depository. Rico turned what could have...
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Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

August 10, 2010
By
Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

TOKYO– In pachinko parlors and nantaimori events across the country, the Japanese people are weighed down by collective melancholy.  Yes, it is their beloved merkin industry that is today’s casualty. While not completely eviscerated, the time-honored traditional manufacturing base was dealt a crippling blow after TRI Industries announced its new fall product line this...
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TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

July 1, 2010
By
TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

INDONESIA, 20 BILLION B.C.– E. Melspokanicus was transparent and a little slimy, like most bacteria.  Also like most bacteria, he didn’t feel incredibly sexy.  He had spent most of his life wafting along, flipping people off with his wriggling flagellae.  On this day, after hitching rides on intestinal amobae, he was puked onto an...
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Goren Left His Birthday Wish List at the Copy Station!

April 22, 2010
By
Goren Left His Birthday Wish List at the Copy Station!

Guys! I still don’t know exactly when Goren’s birthday is, but he left his “wish list” next to the copy machine, so it must be close! Lets all try and get him what he wants this year, OK?
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TRI Semester at Sea Student Discovers Worst Paragraph Ever Written

April 13, 2010
By
TRI Semester at Sea Student Discovers Worst Paragraph Ever Written

INT’L WATERS off the coast of CAPE VERDE ISLANDS- University of North Carolina junior Xialou Johnson has discovered what is now unanimously considered the worst paragraph ever written.  While aboard the cruiseship TRI Fantasia during her Semester at Sea, Xialou innocently enrolled in a Philosophy of Science course and discovered this sickie freakshow: Xialou’s...
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Latest Mishap May Spell Doom for Rogerty Arts

April 13, 2010
By
Latest Mishap May Spell Doom for Rogerty Arts

Although its mission statement is clearly defined, confusion over the content of a certain show at the Tacoma Center for Puppetry Arts has endangered one of the most promising wings of Two Rogers. This brave foray into puppet shows known as the Rogerty Arts, is a critical, but not popular, success.  Bold, dynamic interplay...
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SCIENCE: Neptune May Have Facefucked Another Planet’s Wife

March 13, 2010
By
SCIENCE: Neptune May Have Facefucked Another Planet’s Wife

ROGERS, NEW MEXICO — Dr. Vlad Nightengale: “With all due respect, I have seen some hairy shit since I took over as lead astronomer here at TRU Science, not the least of which was last year’s discovery that shooting stars are, in fact, gay, but I have never seen anything remotely as brazen as...
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