I’m just tweetin’ ‘bout my generation!

Journalists everywhere – and I don’t really claim to be one, unless I need entry to a fancy party – seem to have grabbed on to Twitter with the enthusiasm of a pervert in a crowded bus. Every other headline now seems to contain the word ‘tweets’, as in, ‘Lalit Modi says Shilpa has a nice pair of tweets.’

For those of you still wearing animal pelts, let me explain that Twitter is a micro-blogging site that allows you to provide real-time updates about what body part you’re currently scratching, and even who that body part belongs to.

Of course, there’s a solid, journalistic reason for Twitter featuring prominently across media: Celebrities are using it. Twitter breaks down barriers between stars and commoners, and as you read the innermost thoughts of men and women considered to be demigods, you realise that these demigods were dropped on the head as babies. In fact, the ‘thud’ sound they made was so awesome that they were dropped again and again, and even used for free-kick practice.

Take, for example, Salman Khan who recently joined Twitter, which means he now mumbles and slurs his way through 140 characters. Now don’t get me wrong – I do like the man. He’s truly an international star, with an accent that’s part British, part American and part Bandra West. (Throw in some Afrikaans and you have the audio equivalent of a Benetton ad.)

His tweets, however, make as much sense as Sidhu after an acid trip. Have a look at this actual, untouched Salman tweet: Being human clothing line nt out yet , vil launch in 4 mnt,s , all fake,s out thr. Being human watche,s out in abt 2 mnt,s

Notice how the tweet reflects his personality, in that it looks as if the alphabets have drunk-driven themselves on to the page. (But Salman does serve an important function on Twitter – he makes Vaseline Boy Shahid Kapoor look literate in comparison.)

The point is, Twitter needs normal people to counter the barrage of celebrity droppings on the site. So sign up now. The following Twitter FAQ list should clear all doubts.

TWITTER FAQs

Q. Ok so I signed up for Twitter. Now what?
A. Your objective is essentially the same as that of any organised religion – to get more followers. Sex scandals are optional.

Q. How is Twitter different from Facebook?
A. It’s far easier to stalk people on Facebook.

Q. Will Twitter help me get laid?
A. Only if you can get Shashi Tharoor to follow you. Once that’s done, it won’t matter if you look like Shibu Soren – all the ladies will want to have an external affair with your minister, if you know what I mean.

Q. So SRK and Salman are on Twitter. What about Aamir?
A. He’s still trying to figure out the perfect username, and should be done in about a year or so.

Q. How do I respond if Shahrukh Khan actually replies to my tweet?
A. Play it cool. Never do what a top journalist – who we shall refer to as Darkha Butt – did and go “OMFG! SRK tweeted to me first LOLZZ!!11!”

Q. Hhhhnnnzzz v’rw snreeee mumble m in gym hw r u LOL.
A. Seriously Salman, stop tweeting.

(Note: This was my HT column dated 2nd May 2010.)

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23 responses to “I’m just tweetin’ ‘bout my generation!

  1. Hahaha.. well written, man. I like your writing style and make it a point to read your column every week. Keep it up.Btw, you forgot to mention @BeingSalmanKhan's penchant for putting up pics of his nude torso (and his fast-growing forehead).

  2. Amazing! Choosing not to read this at work was probably a wise career move 😀

  3. Good but not awesome. The best joke I liked was the "external affair with your minister" part! How the hell does your brain correlate such things man? 🙂

  4. I absolutely abhorr what Twitter is doing to language, and to popular culture. Pritish Nandy tweets all day, so does Tharoor. Where do these people find time for work (using Twitter to promote said work doesn't count)?Also, Ashish, you are hilarious! 😀

  5. Loving it!I think you should write a post JUST about celebrity tweets and how they define their personalities :PLike Vivek Oberoi has a few lakhs followers. And that's not post release of Prince.Also, Minnisha Lamba tweets about 'cute' dresses she found and describes them.

  6. I don't know if the FAQs are of any help. But they are amusing for sure. Loved the drunk-driven alphabets. Keep up!

  7. Great you are back in form..wow..HILLARIOUS..really laughed..benneton ad comparison..wow..alphabets of salman..so funny ..the way you have described…Chahey woh Priyanka chopra ki apni karwaa chauth ki mehendi ki tweet pic ho…ya phir sonam ko miley raah chaltey spider ki tweet pic..no one can beat what salman tweetpicd…he said hez with a fan of his..and he tweeted the pic of the zameen electric fan..now beat that creativity..LOL

  8. You do know sms lingo was the in thing when these celebrities were lying they were in their 20s right?

  9. brilliant. For once the 'commoners' have an edge..

  10. Dear, Ashish Shake Ya! Twitter also ushers people to update in detail the ingredients found in their poop. hohohoho..Man, I enjoyed the comment by one certain Lalit Modi on another certain Shilpa’s tweets.Well researched piece. Luck to you and misfortune to “Vaseline boy Shahid (who tries very, very hard to be funky).

  11. I don't have a twitter account, and now I am happy about it. Brilliant article though!

  12. Hahah great written and one thing r u journalists? Contextual Ad Network India

  13. And that Salman never replies?

  14. Christ, this one is howlarious! :DPlease oh please write another post about twitter comments!!

  15. Thank you.I guffawed water all over my keyboard. Thank you.

  16. as always…your blog had me Falling Off My Chair Clutching My Somach (FOMCCMS 😉 ) ….hurray…i just invented a new kinda sms abbreviation! 😀

  17. ^ *Stomach …sorry for the error in spelling!

  18. Hahaha this was funny. And the Shashbomb can minister to my internal affairs anytime.

  19. I read the first paragraph and laughed for a good five minutes, before moving on to read the rest of the article! Amazing and hilarious, your writing gets better and better 😀

  20. Couldnt stop laughing. Salman Khan has someone to be careful of. 😀
    Well written.

  21. Pooja Sachdev

    am a fan of your blog…your writing style is simply super!!!!!!

  22. Notice how the tweet reflects his personality, in that it looks as if the alphabets have drunk-driven themselves on to the page.

    Letters not alphabets. An alphabet is a collection of letters. The English language has one alphabet with 26 letters.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alphabet

  23. awesome post…

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