UnNews:Federation censures Romulans

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Federation censures Romulans

Straight talk, from straight faces

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16 October 2006

Romulan-empire

The Romulan Star Empire is under censure from a bunch of Humans, Vulcans, and Andorians for just trying to have a good time.

SAN FRANCISCO, Earth -- (Stardate 12345678.9) The United Federation of Planets has voted unanimously in favor of a resolution imposing sanctions on the Romulan Star Empire over its claimed violation of the Temporal Prime Directive, which involved an antimatter bomb, a travel to an M-Class world, the notoriously promiscuous 22nd-century Vulcan babe T'Pol, and a whole lot of Polywater. Resolution 1718 imposes weapons and financial sanctions but is not backed by the threat of Starfleet action. The Romulan ambassador to the Federation, said he totally rejected the resolution and walked out.

After hours of talks, the Ferengi agreed to back the resolution but said they had "reservations" about provisions for cargo checks on Romulan ships. Said Quark, a bartender on the Alpha Quadrant station Deep Space 9, "This could decrease our profits. Nothing's more important than profits!" Captain Jean-Luc Picard said the Federation had taken a "swift and tough" step to show its determination to keep the Beta Quadrant free of "asinine temporal escapades."

The Romulan envoy, Senator K'Darrel T'Jennings, left the Federation chamber after rejecting the "unjustifiable" resolution and accusing the Federation of neglecting the fact that "Romulans just want to have fun." He warned that any increase in Federation pressure would be considered as a "declaration of war on fun and an embracing of Surak's boring philosophy of nerdiness."

The resolution:

  • Demands the Romulans go back in time and fix their damage;
  • Requires all countries to prevent the sale or transfer of materials related to Romulus's unconventional weapons programs, as well as large-sized military items such as men-of-war, warp cores and cloaking devices;
  • Demands nations freeze funds of people or businesses connected with the Romulans's time travel programs;
  • Allows nations to inspect "as necessary" cargo moving in and out of the Neutral Zone to check for banned items;
  • Bans export of luxury goods (including Orion Slave Girls) to the Romulans;
  • Calls on Romulus to return "without precondition" all the booze they stole from twenty-first century Earth.

Delegates from the Klingon Empire and the Cardassian Union were present, but unavailable for comment.

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