The Allergic Dead

| Costa Mesa, CA USA | Friendly | May 6, 2016

(I’m a bit of an oddball and have some unusual allergies as well. I and a coworker are on break talking about allergies. I had just gotten done explaining that while I’m not allergic to gluten & can eat white flour fine, I am allergic to whole wheat.)

Me: “I’m also allergic to pork.” *I pause for a moment because normally people try to tell me such an allergy is impossible, he says nothing, after the pause* “You know, since they call humans ‘long pork,’ I wonder if that means I could never be a cannibal.”

(I have no idea why I even said anything that weird.)

Coworker: “The fact you have to ask that worries me.”

Me: “I’d be the weirdest zombie in the zombie apocalypse!”

Raising Hands And Raising Standards

, | Victoria, BC, Canada | Learning | May 4, 2016

(I am a substitute for the librarian in the school. The last class of the day to come into the library is a very loud grade five class. They have clearly already mentally checked out for the day, but I have to read a chapter of a novel to them before they can take out books and go home. One boy in particular has been very disruptive and is calling out rudely without putting his hand up.)

Me: *reading the novel aloud*

Disruptive Boy: “I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM.”

Me: *reading aloud, ignoring his behaviour*

Disruptive Boy: “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM? I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM.”

Girl: *raises her hand and waits for me to acknowledge her* “Excuse me, miss, may I please use the bathroom?”

Me: “Why, of course! Thank you so much for putting your hand up. Off you go.”

Disruptive Boy: “WHAT? THAT’S NO FAIR. WHY WON’T YOU LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM? THAT’S SO STUPID. THIS CLASS IS STUPID.”

(At this point the rest of the class understands what I’m doing, and the disruptive boy’s friend grins as he puts his hand up.)

Me: “Yes, [Boy #2]? Thank you for putting your hand up. What would you like to say?”

Boy #2: *extremely sweetly* “Miss, may I please use the bathroom?”

Me: “Why, what a polite young man you are! Of course you may. Off you go now.”

Disruptive Boy: *sighs, gives up, and puts his hand up at last*

Me: “Yes, what would you like?”

Disruptive Boy: “MAY I PLEASE GO TO THE STUPID BATHROOM.”

Me: *exaggeratedly looking around the library* “Oh, dear, I’m terribly sorry, but it appears we already have a boy using the bathroom. You’ll have to wait until he comes back.”

(The class erupts into laughter as his jaw drops after realizing what I’ve done. He became much quieter after that and never actually ended up needing the bathroom after all!)

Doesn’t Look Like Anything The Cat Dragged In

| NM, USA | Right | April 22, 2016

(I am sitting in the youth services section of the library, near the desk, reading a book and waiting for my daughter to come out of story time when I observe a boy about nine or ten approaching the desk.)

Employee: “Welcome to the library. Can I help you find something?”

Boy: “I was wondering if you could help me find my grandma?”

Employee: “Sure. Can you tell me what she looks like?”

Boy: “Well, she’s really old and REALLY wrinkly and has old person hair, and she smells like an old person, and I think she’s wearing a purple shirt. Kind of a crazy cat lady look?”

Employee: *blushing at the boy’s words* “Sorry, I haven’t seen anyone fitting that… description.”

Boy: “Okay, but if you see her, will you tell her me and my mom are at story time?”

Employee: “Sure will.”

(Two minutes later, a lady comes looking for her family. She’s probably not a day over fifty and very stylishly dressed with nice hair.)

Employee: “Welcome to the library. Can I help you find something?”

Lady: “Yes. I was looking for my daughter and grandchildren. The oldest boy is wearing a green shirt and brown ball cap. Have you seen them?”

Employee: “Yes. They went into the story time room.”

(The lady leaves, and the employee looks at me, knowing I saw the whole thing.)

Employee: “Really old crazy cat ladies are getting nicer looking every day!”

No Room For Argument

| AR, USA | Right | April 19, 2016

(I work at an academic library and one of the services we offer is for our customers to check out study rooms. I take a call from a woman around noon.)

Caller: “I want to know if I can reserve a study room?

Me: “It’s first come, first serve, and we aren’t allowed to reserve them.”

(I have to repeat myself several times because she insists on a study room and isn’t actually listening to my answer. After I tell her for the fourth time:)

Caller: “That’s fine. I’ll be in at about six.”

(She asked for my name again, and hung up. Around five o’clock I left for the day. But my coworker told me what happened when this woman came in for a study room.)

Customer: “Hi! I have a study room reserved for six.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t reserve study rooms. It’s library policy.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not what [My Name] told me earlier! I was told I’d have a study room! Where am I supposed to study now?”

Coworker: “We do have a study area on the fourth floor if you’d like to use that. But it is an open space; I can’t guarantee how crowded it will be or the noise level. But since this is a library I can ask them to keep it down if it becomes too loud.”

Customer: “That is unacceptable! I was told I’d have a study room! I demand that that promise be kept!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I was here when my coworker was on the phone with you. She told you several times that the study rooms are first come, first serve. But if you’d like I can give you a pager and let you know when the next available study room is open.”

Customer: “That is unacceptable! I demand you clear a study room right now! Or I’ll get you fired!”

Coworker: “First off, ma’am, I’m only volunteering over the summer so good luck getting me fired. Second, you had requested the room for six o’clock and you may only check the room out for an hour at a time because of how in demand they are. It is now seven forty. Even if we did do reserve rooms you would have missed your reservation and the check out time would have already elapsed. Third, you want me to recall a room, kicking someone out who also needs to study in the process, just so you can have your way? I’m not going to do that. Now, it’s fairly quiet on the fourth floor. You can study there either until you’re done studying or until a study room opens up. Or if you can’t be civil you can leave.”

(The customer got red faced, yelled for a few more minutes, cussing out me, my coworker, and library policy, then stormed out.)

A Message From The Messiah

| MD, USA | Right | April 2, 2016

(I am calling a patron up to tell them they had accidentally turned in a DVD case without the disk inside. I get their answering machine.)

Machine: “Thank you so much for calling me on this blessed day Jesus has provided for us. Praise Jesus and all his wonders. Praise God and everything he has given us. For he is our savior and we should all bow down to his golden light. Praise Jesus, praise Him, praise the Lord! Thank you for calling me and have a wonderful, BLESSED day!”

(The machine finally beeps to let me leave a message.)

Me: “Um… hello, Miss [Name]. I am calling today because you returned a DVD case without the disk inside. I have renewed the item and you can return it to us anytime before then. Thank you, and… um… Praise Jesus.”

(I hung up and realized a split second later what I had just said.)

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