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Saturday, 27 December 2008

image for Postmen's Union Decry Pet Attacks
ASBO Rabbits: 4 Postmen and the Paperboy

Police do not take pet animal attacks on postal delivery workers seriously enough, irate union leaders told press hacks during their annual Christmas piss-up at Smegmadale's Fighting Dog and Pikey pub.

The claim comes after postman Sheldon Scrunt suffered severe injuries when he was savaged by two supposedly-tame man-eating Komodo dragons while delivering a batch of spam junk mail to a fortified end terrace on Smegmadale's Skidrow Housing Estate.

"Them effin' lizards bit 'is bleedin' leg off at the bollocks," his transvestite partner Sally Scrunt told the media. "'e's 'ad no fuckin' appetite since an' 'is sex drive 'as gone all tits up as well."

Communication Workers Union health and safety officer Ms. Candida Gimp said "Some police officers don't know enough about the law on dangerous pets.

We want to see the police taking vicious pet attacks more seriously."

She opined the 1991 Dangerous Pets Act had "failed" and called for new legislation to allow the authorities to act earlier, with anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for savage or offending pets.

"The current law does not apply to private property which is where attacks on staff are most likely to take place," Ms. Gimp added.

"Too many times postmen, milkmen and newspaper delivery boys are cannon fodder for these animals."

"There seems to be an acceptable cartoon caricature image of small furry pets tearing into postmen with razor sharp claws and teeth in the mindsets of the British public. Being attacked by a deranged guineas pig or hamster simply isn't funny."

The law and public services personnel are in a quandary over solutions to this problem.
Earlier this year a cat burglar was attacked and savaged by a kindle of feral Sudanese kittens while breaking into a Sodding Chipbury residence in the early hours of the morning. The police prosecuted the owners of the house and the burglar received a six-figure sum in compensation for his injuries and psychological trauma.

Juxtaposed to this farcical legal judgement is the case of Rumanian immigrant Virginia Twatrot, who while working as an Ann Summers saleslady, was attacked by a flock of Greater Crested Budgerigars as she canvassed her product line around a sedate Dorkford cul-de-sac.

Ms. Twatrot fought off the budgies with her riding crop and a Rampant Rabbit vibrator, killing a score of the birds while suffering severe talon and beak wounds herself.

The RSPCA filed a case against her for animal cruelty which resulted in a large fine and her subsequent deportation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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