id large_string | author large_string | title large_string | selftext large_string | score int64 | log_score float64 | num_comments int64 | created_at timestamp[us] | num_tokens int64 |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
16scdqo | The_GuyInTheHat | A Celebrity was Arrested for Stealing Cheese | The Authorities said it was Brie Larson | 1 | 0 | 2 | 2023-09-26T03:09:11 | 17 |
17pabjt | GentlemanLevi | Are irish people just Thor worshipers? | I mean, all they do is eat, drink ungodly amounts of alcohol and fight, so it is a possibility. | 1 | 0 | 16 | 2023-11-06T19:07:41 | 34 |
16okwbh | Snowandicefan | The farmer and the police | A farmer was on his way to bed when his wife said he had forgotten to turn off the light in the garage.
The garage was adjacent to the house and the farmer opened the back door to go and turn it off, but suddenly discovered that there were people inside who were breaking in.
He called the police, who asked if someone had entered the house.
He said no. The police replied that all the police cars were busy and
therefore advised him to lock all the doors, and they would send a car when one became available.
OK, said the farmer, hung up and counted to thirty. Then he called the police again. “hey, I just called about someone breaking into the garage. Now you don't have to come, because I have shot them"
Then he hung up.
Within minutes, 6 police cars, a helicopter, a fire truck and two ambulances were on the scene. They caught the thieves in the act.
One of the policemen went up to the farmer and said, "Didn't you say you shot them?"
The farmer replied: "- and I think you said you didn't have any police patrols available..." | 1 | 0 | 91 | 2023-09-21T16:51:41 | 271 |
tpq9ur | Zimsrevenge | Haven’t heard from Chamillionaire in a while… | He probably got tired of the game after making few million and decided to blend into society. | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2022-03-27T18:45:48 | 30 |
1g5749z | FM596 | Two friends argue online about who has the worst internet addiction problem. | "I'm so addicted, that even when I can barely keep my eyes open, I don't leave the damn social media, until late in the morning."
"That's nothing", his friend replied. "I'm so addicted, that I'm actually having this conversation with you in my dream, and once again I see that I can't stop chatting and go to sleep." | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-10-16T18:57:58 | 89 |
1dth8gv | LunarLeopard67 | The history of F1 is disgusting | Even looking at old drivers gives me the Ickx | 1 | 0 | 6 | 2024-07-02T08:58:28 | 18 |
1fc00th | VRPlayerOne | Why didn't the chicken cross the road? | Because she's too chicken. | 1 | 0 | 2 | 2024-09-08T15:10:34 | 15 |
s4llxy | Lava_Wolf_68 | Why don't Scuba Divers make good grades? | They are always below C level. | 16 | 2.772589 | 0 | 2022-01-15T14:35:35 | 18 |
1ehfl99 | Jamesyroo | My shower just admitted to me that it is going through therapy for sex addiction. | It said every naked person turns it on | 131 | 4.875197 | 13 | 2024-08-01T12:36:46 | 24 |
r77e1d | XxkayraproxX | Why can't Medusa find a lover | Because everyone she meets has a heart of stone | 7 | 1.94591 | 3 | 2021-12-02T13:24:18 | 17 |
t6shon | lewismaz | I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... | I didn't want to interrupt her! | 19 | 2.944439 | 1 | 2022-03-04T20:45:17 | 18 |
14ud63p | porichoygupto | My friend decided to quit almost all social media, but suddenly got addicted to the latest one by Meta. | He is hanging on…by a Thread. | 4 | 1.386294 | 1 | 2023-07-08T19:33:46 | 30 |
ykofen | Competitive_Bad7599 | Got sent home from work for my Halloween costume.. | Apparently, being a brillo pad was too abrasive for some people. | 24 | 3.178054 | 4 | 2022-11-03T01:24:48 | 24 |
ztatii | master-virus | How were the pyramids built? | Using a pyramid scheme
Dad jokes rule, peace out. | 15 | 2.70805 | 3 | 2022-12-23T09:04:50 | 20 |
118hr1m | TGOTR | Jesus is getting ready for a hot date | His friend asks, "You think you'll get some?"
Jesus replies "You kidding, she'll screw anything not nailed down" | 3 | 1.098612 | 5 | 2023-02-21T22:54:39 | 34 |
wmgrib | Firegoat1 | Sex offender registry | Did you know that there is a sex offender registry in every state? I mean, who is buying gifts for these people? | 3 | 1.098612 | 2 | 2022-08-12T09:18:04 | 28 |
16ekr2y | handsofmudd | Husband eats dog food | A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.
"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier food. I had a big pot on the stove simmering and my husband came home and got big a ladel full and ate it. I told him it was for the dogs but he said it was delicious and insisted that is what he wanted for dinner that night. Well I make the dogs food every week and every time I make a new batch my husband eats it for dinner. I'm concerned about him eating the dogs food."
The doctor proceeded to ask her what was in the dog's food and how it was prepared. After she describes in detail the ingredients and the preparation the doctor final says "I don't think there is anything that can hurt him. I wouldn't encourage him to eat it but it sounds safe enough to eat.
A year goes by and the woman goes back to the doctor for her annual checkup. As was standard procedure the doctor sits down with the woman and discusses the test results. As he is going through her file he sees a note from the previous year regarding her husband's propensity to eat the dog food made by her. He asks her " So is your husband still eating the dog food you prepare?"
"Oh, no doctor, my husband died"
Oh, my lord I'm so sorry. It wasn't because of the dog food was it?
Well, not directly, no.
Not directly? What happened?
"Well", the lady said in a very sad and grief stricken voice, " he got hit by a car when he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls." | 1 | 0 | 16 | 2023-09-09T23:46:00 | 382 |
11pldic | Cyber_monkey7 | My family is like a treasure to me… | You need a shovel and a map to find them | 109 | 4.691348 | 6 | 2023-03-12T18:12:03 | 19 |
wwnun2 | Poopy_Nose42 | Do you know why they're banning smart-glass in some places? | It's too cutting-edge! | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2022-08-24T16:23:52 | 20 |
136cur4 | Vishwasm123 | Yo mama so fat that | She uses Macrowave instead of microvave. | 71 | 4.26268 | 34 | 2023-05-03T06:48:33 | 15 |
1801iuw | MALESTROMME | Which one does not belong? Wife, meat, blow job or dog? | You can beat you wife, dog and meat but nothing beats a blow job. | 1 | 0 | 12 | 2023-11-20T22:47:57 | 31 |
15ix5hj | monkeybuttsauce | I used to be a boob doctor (yes that is the technical term)… | There were a lot of good times and a lot of bad times.
During my career there were a lot of ups and downs
But over all, I’m thankful for all the mammaries | 1 | 0 | 4 | 2023-08-05T14:29:37 | 54 |
wuyx38 | NeverBob | My grandfather was arrested several times... | ...for selling a phony immortality elixir.
Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021... | 81 | 4.394449 | 6 | 2022-08-22T16:57:42 | 55 |
103x7zw | gary6043 | Two jobs |
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it!" | 3 | 1.098612 | 0 | 2023-01-05T11:58:31 | 96 |
11ncx1x | Tickpot | A Fighter, a Rogue, a Wizard and a Cleric walk into a dungeon... | The fighter says "Keep an eye out for mimics!"
"Got it!" said the Rogue.
"No problem!" said the Wizard.
"Of course!" said the Cleric.
"Psh! Mimics aren't real!" said the treasure chest. | 69 | 4.234107 | 4 | 2023-03-10T03:09:43 | 70 |
17s23e0 | Exotic_Chocolate9572 | My dad made a joke | Have U heard of the new twilight coming out
No I haven't
It's gonna be a revamp
I CLAIM THIS JOKE NO ONE CAN TAKE IT | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-11-10T11:34:27 | 38 |
ycekkc | Ideocracy | So Rishi Sunak is going to be the next British Prime minister | I think it's Rishi.
Too Sunak? | 0 | 0 | 2 | 2022-10-24T15:43:24 | 26 |
ysibw8 | FuzzyMatterhorN | Meaty or Shower? | What is the difference between a hamburger and a shooting star?
While one is meaty...the other...is a little meteor.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is a heavy aquatic mammal...the other is a little lighter. | 12 | 2.484907 | 4 | 2022-11-11T18:17:38 | 61 |
rjgdld | Axemic | Lifeguards hear a woman screaming for help and see that she is drowning | They rush out and find her from under water. They drag her out of the water and get her to the beach, then one of the lifeguards: "I do not think it's her, she has the skates on." | 0 | 0 | 7 | 2021-12-18T20:54:52 | 64 |
v9pz66 | ViktorSwimwell | How many Pianos did Liberace have? | Nobody knows for sure, but it's believed that he had Organs up the ass. | 5 | 1.609438 | 0 | 2022-06-11T04:44:19 | 28 |
17e3548 | iamtenbears | I ordered the wrong canvas for my boat’s mast, but I think it’s too late to cancel. | That sail has shipped. | 1 | 0 | 8 | 2023-10-22T20:59:02 | 26 |
y1rfxj | creepndeath84 | God will save me | A man was out swimming one morning when suddenly he was swept out to sea. The man didn't panic though, for he knew in his heart, that God would save him. After treading water some time, along comes a kid on a small sail boat.
The kid see the man, waves,
"Howdy mister! Need some help?"
But the man replied, "Fear not! God will save me!"
Bewildered the kid insisted but still the man refused and so on his way went the boy.
After awhile longer, no getting nervous and tired the man calls our, "My Lord God, humble am I, yet please save me! My wife! My kids! Save me God!"
Dark had started to set in when along came the boy and his sail boat,
" Hey mister! Is God running late? Or what? Let me give you a ride back to shore!"
Yet again. "God will save me. Im sure of it" and the young boy shook his had sadly and set off for home.
The man could no longer last and finally, he drowns.
When he gets to heaven he see God and demands,
"God! Why? Why didn't you save me!"
And God looks at him and says
" I sent the boy twice you idiot" | 3 | 1.098612 | 6 | 2022-10-12T02:17:50 | 278 |
wjo9l7 | [deleted] | I have an online gf | If for any reason I were to die, could someone please tell my wifi lover | 33 | 3.496508 | 2 | 2022-08-08T23:58:07 | 21 |
1dgmegg | Sad-Reception-2266 | A man was walking past the cemetery... | As he passed by a hearse came out and rolled up next to the guy. The guy walked a little faster and the hearse kept going past the man. As the hearse passed the man, a coffin rolled out the hearse and was coming right at the man. He started backing up and the coffin kept coming. He turned and ran around the corner. The coffin came around the corner still following the man. The man took off and ran home, up the stairs and locked the door. The coffin followed the man, rolled up the stairs and broke through the door. The man ran to the bathroom and closed and locked the door. The coffin rolled down the hall and broke through the bathroom door. The man reached into the medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of cough syrup and threw it at the coffin. The coffin stopped. | 36 | 3.583519 | 7 | 2024-06-15T16:59:34 | 176 |
11o1ilk | cornmilly | In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm. | He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.
He attempted this great bovine burglary by stealing a train one night that ran on a line that went past both farms to load up the cows. The cows he tried to steal were all the shortest cows of the herd, and people use this fact to try to prove their point.
“Oh those were probably the ones most mistreated”,
“ah, see those cows are lowest to the ground, they’ll eat the grass more efficiently, growing faster than all the others!”,
“No no, they’ll be low enough to the floor of the train carriage, any passers by wouldn’t be able to see them through the window!”
Unfortunately, no one will ever know for sure, as on the way back, cows in tow, he crashed the train and sadly passed away later that night. Thankfully the cows survived and were returned home. Once more, questions arose as to how this happened. Was it a problem with the train itself? Could it have been his own incompetence? We’ll never know.
And so, this farmer became a local legend. A hero brought down by a faulty train to some, a villain taken out by his own hubris to others.
No one ever figured out if he did have good low-cow motives. | 12 | 2.484907 | 5 | 2023-03-10T21:32:51 | 333 |
wufkoa | dagher5568 | why did 50 cent become 48 cent when asked about abortion? | because he gave his two cents. | 0 | 0 | 3 | 2022-08-22T00:59:09 | 23 |
rslshj | Several_Marzipan3807 | I just lost my virginity to the hottest girl in school | I don’t get what the fuss about homeschooling is about | 15 | 2.70805 | 5 | 2021-12-31T04:51:40 | 24 |
1d45p7b | andItsGone-Poof | I just finished watching Morbius, | Do i still have to atone for my sins? | 7 | 1.94591 | 4 | 2024-05-30T14:43:10 | 20 |
18r0v5o | tharkibudda | Those who choose minimum age as 18 in dating sites are similar to companies which pay the minimum wage. | They wouldnt mind going lower if they could legally do so . | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-12-26T05:32:03 | 35 |
v4h7ok | mothershipbagels | Two kinds of nerds: |
May the force be ____________
a. equal to mass times acceleration.
b. with you. | 56 | 4.025352 | 13 | 2022-06-04T04:34:24 | 27 |
1177iqj | bullsaint | A young man's estranged father had passed away... | As he sifted through his father's effects, he realized how much farming and cattle-ranching clothes and equipment his father had, so he decided to start to organize them. What happened over the next 5 days was a roller coaster of emotions as he found item after item which brought back all kinds of good and bad memories of growing up here.
He found the tan onesie he wore as an infant with a giant cartoon gun and blue bubble letters saying, "Big Shot!". He then realized this was where the nickname he hated as a teenager came from. He found the baseball mitt, still pristine in its box, that his father bought for him when his elementary school was beginning practice for little-league baseball.
The days flew by as item after item flew brought back memories; some were good, but most were painful. On the 5th day, the young man's wife came in and surprised him. After looking around, she stated that she was impressed at how organized everything was. The young man pulled out a picture of how it looked before to show contrast and the wife gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "It's like night and day!"
He put the finishing touches on the organization and stood up, back aching after bending and lifting for as many days as he did, she stood and grabbed her purse, "I met a bunch of his friends at the local gas station, they said that before you left they wanted to invite you to the local bar to have some drinks in his memory."
He nodded at the thought of putting a postitive cherry on top of this particular cake. He looked down and looked at his clothes, "I am covered in dust and grime. I am not going out like this."
An idea popped into his wife's head, "What about your dad's old cowboy clothes? Wouldn't it be fun to wear one of his old fancier outfits?"
Thinking for a moment, the young man nodded as a cold drink sounded very satisfying right now. "Let's do it. Let's look through his old clothes. If I remember correctly, he has some 'fancy duds' that he'd bust out when he would want to impress my mom before they got married."
His wife, excited at the prospect, froze in her tracks. "Wait, where did you organize the cowboy clothes?"
Stretching, the young man pointed, "Over there in the 'R' section."
"R?" she replied, thoroughly confused.
"Yeah. Fancy cowboy clothes are just ranch dressing." | 0 | 0 | 3 | 2023-02-20T14:06:32 | 533 |
1fbpjcd | Meme-Galaxy | A blind man walks into a bar… | and a chair… and a table… | 177 | 5.17615 | 14 | 2024-09-08T04:25:36 | 16 |
rd0tez | orgasmic2021 | I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer | I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick." | 12,354 | 9.421735 | 377 | 2021-12-10T05:02:02 | 110 |
10aqt1y | cruiserman_80 | My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend. | So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out? | 8,970 | 9.101641 | 337 | 2023-01-13T10:00:30 | 58 |
15ztxmg | vareesha1996 | What was Steve Job’s least favorite dessert? | Apple Turnover, he loved a big piece of that pie | 1 | 0 | 4 | 2023-08-24T06:45:24 | 21 |
17wnvnh | RibaldPancake | Hey girl, are you a white dwarf star? |
'cause you're pretty hot but kind of dim. | 81 | 4.394449 | 19 | 2023-11-16T14:14:10 | 22 |
umg3le | Status-Victory | My father only hit me once as a child. | But he used a Ford Transit. | 17 | 2.833213 | 0 | 2022-05-10T11:02:54 | 17 |
16kio2y | subillusion | Spectacled Optimist | Did you hear about the spectacled optimist who had a part-time job as a jester?
Yeah, he was a glasses, half-fool, kind of guy... | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-09-16T21:31:09 | 43 |
ufggeb | Waitsfornoone | Cohen Nails | Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.
He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
Within a year, his son had completely automated the company, upgraded the business in ways old man Cohen never imagined. He didn't get all this new stuff as he walked around his old office.
He froze when he saw plans for a new Billboard: a depiction of Jesus nailed to the Cross with the slogan: "Cohen Nails, for the toughest jobs..."
Cohen barged into his son's office to say, "Absolutely not, they'll never go for it, son! You have to change it!" His son calmed his father down and assured him he would.
Relieved Cohen relaxed for a few days until he drove past a Billboard with Jesus laying on the ground in a heap in front of the cross with the slogan: "Should Have Used Cohen Nails!" | 10 | 2.302585 | 2 | 2022-04-30T18:01:25 | 227 |
uqh20x | Animeking1108 | How to say "hi" in other countries | France has "bonjour."
Japan has "konichiwa."
Germany has "guten tag."
England has "fuck off, yank."
China has "nihao." | 14 | 2.639057 | 3 | 2022-05-15T22:19:05 | 44 |
twdzd1 | Dannoz1 | Who's there? | What was said on the first telephone call?
"Mr. Watson--come here--I want to see you."
What was said on the second telephone call?
" Hi, this is Nicole from Dealer Services..." | 2 | 0.693147 | 5 | 2022-04-04T21:43:33 | 46 |
10ofihd | Doom_and_glooms | What do you call a humble miner? | A really down to earth person | 5 | 1.609438 | 2 | 2023-01-29T19:03:49 | 14 |
tb2hrz | usatransporter | Check the oil |
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in:
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Coastal Alabama
Coastal Mississippi
Coastal Texas
North Dakota
Wyoming
Colorado
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
And Texas
Our dipstick is located in the White House!
Edit: formatting | 2 | 0.693147 | 3 | 2022-03-10T16:28:53 | 129 |
18m1qmp | Mrhilal | Parrot with bad manners | Married couple have this parrot.
Whenever the wife goes out, the parrot would say, “Where are you going, bitch.” When she returns home, it would say, “Where did you come from, bitch.”
The parrot would never miss a time calling her a bitch.
The wife, agitated by the parrot’s behaviour, went to her husband demanding a solution for this dirty mouth parrot.
The husband took the parrot to the parrot fixer and told him what it does; “It keeps calling my wife a bitch whenever it sees her.”
The parrot fixer told him to come a week later and everything will be fixed.
The husband went to him a week later and asked him how is the parrot now. The parrot fixer said, “It’s perfect now and well mannered. Actually, if you lift its right leg it will speak french and if you lift its left leg it will speak german.”
The husband was very thrilled and happy with the result and rushed back home to his wife to give her the good news.
When he arrived, he said, “Honey, honey, the parrot is fixed and a bonus over that is if you lift its right leg it will speak french and if you lift its left leg it will speak german!”
The wife said, “What if I lift both legs?”
The parrot said, “I’ll fall, BITCH!” | 152 | 5.023881 | 12 | 2023-12-19T13:21:07 | 295 |
1gdj8nw | breakskater | There is a drug that helps with memory.. | It's on the tip of my tongue | 16 | 2.772589 | 9 | 2024-10-27T19:35:32 | 18 |
15puimy | streetcred99 | My girlfriend likes to tickle my my plums before a blow Job. | I've since hidden the fruit bowl. | 1 | 0 | 4 | 2023-08-13T09:34:05 | 23 |
t1d109 | LeoFink222 | Knock Knock Joke | "Knock", "Knock"
"Who's there?"
"It's Jesus"
"What do you want Jesus?"
"I'm here to save you"
"Save me from what?"
"From what I'm going to do to you if you don't let me in" | 0 | 0 | 3 | 2022-02-25T20:02:11 | 66 |
rfyz54 | K1bedore | Little Timmy’s playing with his trains | He’s sitting at the dining room table and his toy train pulls up to the station. Timmy says “We’ve arrived at Union Station, if this is your stop, get the fuck off, if you’re heading north, get the fuck on we’re ready to go.”
Timmy’s mom hears him say this and scolds her son. She tells him that language is unacceptable and he needs to go spend the next two hours in his room thinking about it.
Two hours goes by and Timmy heads back to the dinning room table to play with his trains. The train pulls back into the station and Timmy announces “we’ve arrived at Union Station, if this is your stop, please exit carefully and have a good day. If you’re heading north, please board the train carefully.” “Oh, and if you’re wondering why this train is delayed two hours, take it up with that cunt in the kitchen!” | 48 | 3.871201 | 2 | 2021-12-14T04:19:04 | 199 |
11oa37q | a_nonprofit_prophet | The Portrait Artist | A local Irishman was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist... His fees were very reasonable and the Locals kept him busy.... One day a stretch-limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car.... "I will gladly pay you 10,000 Euros if you'll paint me in the nude.".... The Irishman had never been given such a proposal for his work... "One moment as I will have to talk this over with me wife.".... Inside the house the painter and his wife talked it over and decided it would be OK... The painter returned to the Beautiful lady and said.. " I will paint you in the nude but I must leave me socks on so I have someplace to wipe me brushes." | 26 | 3.258097 | 6 | 2023-03-11T03:57:53 | 155 |
skgo6i | Boogie_Sparrow | A guy walks into a bar on the 15th floor of a building. | He orders a shot and looks to the woman sitting next to him and says, “This shot right here is special stuff. I bet you I can down this shot, jump out that window, and come back up the elevator just fine.”
The woman says, “you’re on!”
So the guy downs the shot, jumps out the window and comes back up the elevator just fine.
The woman is absolutely shocked and impressed. She demands to see it again.
So the guy downs another shot, jumps out the window, and returns on the elevator without a scratch.
He turns to the woman at the bar and says, “Miss, why don’t you give it a try!”
So the woman downs a shot of the same stuff, jumps out the window…and dies.
Bartender looks at the guy and says, “Superman, you’re an asshole when you been drinking!” | 18 | 2.890372 | 0 | 2022-02-04T15:57:39 | 199 |
13ugnw3 | Gaberonian | I’m depressed because I lost all my blankets | Hopefully I will recover soon | 40 | 3.688879 | 6 | 2023-05-29T01:06:02 | 14 |
14kjp7s | Pleuel | Everybody got sick after my party. | They blame me, since I am the German. | 13 | 2.564949 | 12 | 2023-06-27T17:21:04 | 17 |
vvqjyt | Paarth691 | Why do men make jokes on blondes? | Because they are jealous of their smartness | 0 | 0 | 3 | 2022-07-10T12:34:21 | 17 |
1endytf | porichoygupto | Einstein: Honey, I finally finished my paper on space! | Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time, Albert.
Einstein: Holy cow! How did you know? | 440 | 6.086775 | 26 | 2024-08-08T18:48:43 | 35 |
wn5gh4 | [deleted] | The Correct Way to Pee .. |
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted | 333 | 5.808142 | 19 | 2022-08-13T04:32:44 | 226 |
1dzti5d | Oblivious_Anuj | I guess the God is black | Everybody calls him father, but nobody seen him | 1 | 0 | 6 | 2024-07-10T11:33:41 | 16 |
14z1eq7 | Monksdrunk | Literally | It's going around like the flu | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-07-14T00:33:02 | 9 |
155d40r | Alpha-Studios | Yo mama is so fat | She has her own ZIP code. | 1 | 0 | 12 | 2023-07-21T04:17:39 | 12 |
szkprd | ThatOnePogger | A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice. | “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
​
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
​
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
​
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
​
“What’s for dinner honey?”
​
No answer. He moves closer.
​
“What’s for dinner honey?”
​
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
​
“What’s for dinner honey?”
​
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
​
“What’s for dinner honey?”
​
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN” | 8,048 | 8.993179 | 99 | 2022-02-23T15:56:11 | 321 |
103vqai | Lucky13westhoek | If you ever feel useless in life | Remember it is someone's job to install turn signals on BMW's | 625 | 6.437752 | 93 | 2023-01-05T10:29:23 | 20 |
uve4x8 | TigerPoppy | I think the tomatoes in my garden are actually round red time travelers. | They all seem to be developing wormholes. | 7 | 1.94591 | 0 | 2022-05-22T16:13:10 | 23 |
zxoc7b | jcmatthews66 | What is a pirates least favorite letter? | One from his manager saying he has been traded to the Mets. | 12 | 2.484907 | 13 | 2022-12-28T23:15:34 | 21 |
u9z2il | Swiitch_U | Why was the number 10 scared? | Because it was between 9/11. | 1 | 0 | 5 | 2022-04-23T06:24:44 | 19 |
14usb2v | undiscovered_tumor | You get in me when you're feeling dirty, you get out when you feel clean. Sometimes when you get in me you might sing a little song, and your fingers get wrinkly if you stay in me too long. Sometimes there are bubbles. What am I? | 94 year Old Mrs Johnson's disgusting grey pussy | 1 | 0 | 3 | 2023-07-09T07:40:39 | 65 |
sqdiiq | Hinekura14 | A man sits on an axe. Did you laugh? | Well, at least he laughed his ass off | 0 | 0 | 7 | 2022-02-11T23:59:51 | 20 |
10qc3yq | MrP8978 | My wife knows I’ve been cheating. | She found the letters that I’ve been hiding around the house.
She says she is upset. She says she is angry. She feels disappointed, let down an hurt.
She’s lost trust and doesn’t know how we can get past it.
Worst of all though, she says she doesn’t know if she can ever play Scrabble with me again. | 221 | 5.398163 | 8 | 2023-01-31T22:10:38 | 81 |
rqapho | Lexicham | A person at the bus station asked me where these wheels were going. | I told him that the Bus itself was going to the next town over, but the Wheels on the Bus go round and round. | 7 | 1.94591 | 5 | 2021-12-28T08:09:35 | 40 |
157rjb5 | audiofankk | A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules. | Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.
Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your two words" says the head monk.
"No heat", says the still-young monk. The head monk nods. The meeting is over.
Twenty more years pass, the head monk, now very aged, receives the not-so-young monk again, who now appears upset.
"Bad food", says the middle-aged monk. The head monk nods. The meeting is over.
Twenty more years pass. The old monk has died, to be replaced by a younger head monk.
The once-teenage monk, now himself nearing an old man, appears before the head monk.
"I quit", he says.
"So be it. I'm told you complain too much anyway". | 1 | 0 | 26 | 2023-07-23T21:55:18 | 211 |
12ktx5n | DugardRef | Golf and a Priest | So there's this guy, and he goes golfing with a priest.
Everytime they came to a hole, the man would miss his putt and exclaim "God fucking dammit, missed the bastard!"
At the 18th, the priest turns to the man and says
"If you curse, and take the Lord's name in vain one more time, a bolt of lighting will come down and strike you dead."
The man apologises and for his final putt, he takes his time, lying down behind the ball, clearing leaves, checking wind direction. He takes the putt and misses.
"God fucking dammit, missed the bastard."
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning screams out of the sky and strikes the priest, killing him instantly.
"God fucking dammit, missed the bastard" said a deep voice. | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-04-13T16:01:32 | 172 |
12cs7f4 | Dadpool2420 | A guy meets his friend at the bar | As they sit and catch up on things he gets a glimpse of a sea creature in the corner booth.
Over the next two hours he keeps glancing over until his buddy noticed and asks him what he keeps looking at.
"There's a strange sea creature sitting in that corner booth over there and I can't quite figure out why it looks so familiar."
His friend looks at the booth and then back at him, "That thing looks familiar to you? How so?"
"Well, it kinda reminds me of that actor that plays Wolverine in the movies."
"You mean Hugh Jackman?" his friend asks.
He snaps his fingers. "That's it. Yeah! Oh! The Hugh Manatee."
*original joke by me, hope it brings groans and eye rolls
Edit: for potential better understanding (I hope) | 0 | 0 | 9 | 2023-04-05T17:47:27 | 171 |
sqq5ld | Babushka942 | What's the difference between an American school and a Canadian school? | In a Canadian school, you'll be suspended for making a racist joke.
In an American school, you'll be suspended for making a joke about racists. | 5 | 1.609438 | 2 | 2022-02-12T12:07:59 | 45 |
x40nft | tyunsflwr | Scientists say that 90% of £5 notes carry germs. | That's not true, even a germ can't live of £5 these days! | 3 | 1.098612 | 0 | 2022-09-02T12:46:21 | 32 |
ww81kp | ZaBaronDV | Why can’t you sue a deaf person? | They can’t show up to the hearing. | 2 | 0.693147 | 2 | 2022-08-24T02:59:21 | 18 |
ursulg | Jane-in-the-jungle | What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding? | Pay the parking meteor. | 15 | 2.70805 | 1 | 2022-05-17T18:24:37 | 20 |
103y6j7 | HiddenOutsideTheBox | So happy! I’ve been writing code for a mixed (girls and boys) dyslexic school for the last 10 years and I’ve finally got it right!! | Just found out it’s actually spelt co-ed. | 4 | 1.386294 | 1 | 2023-01-05T12:50:41 | 46 |
1cg90w7 | yourcomedyminute | Whoever Came Up With The Saying "Everything Happens For A Reason" | Has never shit their pants | 9 | 2.197225 | 11 | 2024-04-29T20:10:04 | 20 |
15ye8ci | Alpha-Studios | Pulled out a nose hair yesterday afternoon to see if it hurt…. | judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus it seems pretty painful …. | 1 | 0 | 17 | 2023-08-22T18:29:37 | 51 |
u9vyu6 | SafetyDanceInMyPants | A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband… | “Walter,” she said.
Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”
“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the same old same old. So we’re going to tell you a sex tip that will have him coming back for seconds and thirds.
When he’s laying on the bed, gently roll down his pants and his boxers. Then very gently take his member in your hand and stab repeatedly with a sharp kitchen fork to aerate and allow juices to flow. Let sit three minutes, then put the meat directly onto a baking sheet and bake in a 400 degree oven for ten minutes. Let it come to room temperature, slice, and serve to your guests.”
“What the hell?!” Walter finally said.
“And that’s why you’ve got to stop getting my magazine pages sticky,” she replied.
(Terrible joke, I know… but used to make me laugh.) | 40 | 3.688879 | 2 | 2022-04-23T03:12:43 | 249 |
rrhs11 | vilidj_idjit | A chicken walks into a bar | "oops, i'm in the wrong joke" | 13 | 2.564949 | 3 | 2021-12-29T20:26:35 | 16 |
tzho64 | cupcakewithbatwings | A love story |
**This man told me how he met the love of his life at a gay bar.**
**He was at the urinal when he noticed this really cute guy beside him. One thing led to another, and now they’re married.**
**They were meant to pee together.** | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2022-04-09T00:47:44 | 65 |
14jq865 | mallama | Rate My Joke | No wonder the pilgrims killed the Indians. Having all that corn stuck in your teeth after Thanksgiving probably felt like a direct attack. | 1 | 0 | 10 | 2023-06-26T19:10:28 | 31 |
rhz3n0 | Beat_Saber_Music | How do you know that someone sent you a message by accident? | By the fact they sent you a message. | 17 | 2.833213 | 1 | 2021-12-16T20:13:17 | 22 |
s4neqc | YZXFILE | During a pandemic Garlic is |
The most effective social distancing enforcer. | 0 | 0 | 3 | 2022-01-15T16:02:11 | 14 |
12lb2tn | laziest_engineer | Millennials being the first generation to grow up online should have been called Gen-E | But Forrest Gump ruined it for us | 21 | 3.044522 | 6 | 2023-04-13T23:24:27 | 25 |
1dnfamo | sad_wolf_95 | What do you call a welcoming hurricane? | Katrina and the Waves | 4 | 1.386294 | 6 | 2024-06-24T14:48:44 | 14 |
1b9vi6a | Hypnotic-Toad | Mesopotamian warning | In ancient Sumeria there was an uprising against the king. The king defeated the rebels but wanted to capture all their leaders, so sent his greatest general to hunt them down.
The remaining rebels had taken refuge in an abandoned step pyramid. Because it was so chilly at night, they lit a fire for warmth. The general saw the smoke coming from the step pyramid and quickly seized the rebels.
And this is how we got the saying "The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats is hazardous to your stealth." | 258 | 5.55296 | 8 | 2024-03-08T18:35:41 | 111 |
ucn1yw | TheRedditLifeChoseMe | I just check to see if my Chinese food was being delivered yet | Site says it's still in the woks | 4 | 1.386294 | 3 | 2022-04-26T21:19:49 | 22 |
w544ij | REDGOESFASTAH | what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ? | .
.
.
.
You call the hambulance. | 4 | 1.386294 | 5 | 2022-07-22T07:15:49 | 28 |
s5mxsj | ramboStallone965 | Snail with an attitude | A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ | 26 | 3.258097 | 2 | 2022-01-16T22:06:12 | 83 |
watlab | proychow1 | Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer. | I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can’t handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea. | 14,161 | 9.558247 | 443 | 2022-07-29T03:11:55 | 136 |
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