maldv/crabcanon · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 0 174

(So the Author and Babbage leave the room together, Achilles heads for the kitchen,
the Tortoise sits down to examine the erratic smart-stupids, while the Crab and his
smart-stupid square away at each other. Perhaps a quarter of an hour passes, and
Babbage and the Author return. Babbage walks over to observe the progress of the
chess match, while the Author goes off to find Achilles.)

Babbage: The grounds are excellent! We had just enough light to see how well
maintained they are. I daresay, Mr. Crab, you must be a superb gardener. Well, I hope
my handiwork has amused you a little. As you most likely have guessed, I've never
been much of a chess player myself, and therefore I wasn't able to give it much power.
You probably have observed all its weaknesses. I'm sure that there are very few
grounds for praise, in this case

Crab: The grounds are excellent! All you need to do is look at the board, and see for
yourself. There is really very little I can do. Reluctantly I've Concluded: Every Route
Contains A Rout. Regrettably, I'm Checkmated; Extremely Respectable Chess
Algorithm Reigns. Remarkable! It Confirms Every Rumor-Charlie's A Rip-roaring
Extemporizer! Mr. Babbage, this is an unparalleled accomplishment. Well, I wonder if
Mr. Tortoise has managed to uncover anything funny in the wiring of those strange-
acting smart-stupids. What have you found, Mr. T?

Tortoise: The grounds are excellent! I think that the problem lies instead with the input
leads. They are a little loose, which may account for the strange, sporadic, and
spontaneous screen disturbances to which you have been subjected. I've fixed those
wires, so you won't be troubled by that problem any more, I hope. Say, Achilles,
what's the story with our coffee?

Achilles: The grounds are excellent! At least they have a delicious aroma. And
everything's ready; I've set cups and spoons and whatnot over here beneath this six-
sided print Verbum by Escher, which the Author and I were just admiring. What I find
so fascinating about this particular print is that not only the figures, but also

Author: The grounds are excellent! Pardon me for putting words in your mouth, Achilles,
but I assure you, there were compelling esthetic reasons for doing so.

Achilles: Yes, I know. One might even say that the grounds were excellent.

Tortoise: Well, what was the outcome of the chess match?

Crab: I was defeated, fair and square. Mr. Babbage, let me congratulate you for the
impressive feat which you have accomplished so gracefully and skillfully before us.
Truly, you have shown that the smart-stupids are worthy of the first part of their name,
for the first time in history!

Babbage: Such praise is hardly due me, Mr. Crab; it is rather yourself who must be most
highly congratulated for having the great foresight to acquire these many fine smart-
stupids. Without doubt, they will someday revolutionize the science of computing.
And now, 1 am still at your disposal. Have you any other thoughts on how to exploit
your inexhaustible Theme, perhaps of a more difficult nature than a frivolous game
player?

Crab: To tell the truth, I do have another suggestion to make. From the skill which you
have displayed this evening, 1 have no doubt that this will hardly be any more difficult
than my previous suggestions.

Babbage: I am eager to hear your idea.

Crab: It is simple: to instill in the smart-stupid an intelligence greater than any which has
yet been invented, or even conceived! In short, Mr. Babbage-a smart-stupid whose
intelligence is sixfold that of myself!

Babbage: Why, the very idea of an intelligence six times greater than that of your
Crabness is a most mind-boggling proposition. Indeed, had the idea come from a
mouth less august than your own, I should have ridiculed its proposer, and infonned
him that such an idea is a contradiction in terms!

Achilles: Hear! Hear!

Babbage: Yet, coming as it did from Your Crabness' own august mouth, the proposition
at once struck me as so agreeable an idea that I would have taken it up immediately
with the highest degree of enthusiasm-were it not for one flaw in myself: I confess that
my improvisatory skills on the smart-stupid are no match for the wonderfully
ingenious idea which you so characteristically have posed. Yet-I have a thought
which, I deign to hope, might strike your fancy and in some meager way compensate
for my inexcusable reluctance to attempt the truly majestic task you have suggested. I
wonder if you wouldn't mind if I try to carry out the far less grandiose task of merely
multiplying M OWN intelligence sixfold, rather than that of your most august
Crabness. I humbly beg you to forgive me my audacity in declining to attempt the task
you put before me, but I hope you will understand that I decline purely in order to
spare you the discomfort and boredom of watching my ineptitude with the admirable
machines you have here.

Grab: I understand fully your demurral, and appreciate your sparing us any discomfort:
furthermore I highly applaud your determination to carry out a similar task-one hardly
less difficult, if I might say so-and I urge you to plunge forward. For this purpose, let
us go over to my most advanced smart-stupid.

(They follow the Crab to a larger, shinier, and more complicated-looking smart-stupid
than any of the others.)

This one is equipped with a microphone and a television camera, for purposes of input,
and a loudspeaker, for output.

(Babbage sits down and adjusts the seat a little. He blows on his fingers once or
twice, stares up into space for a moment, and then slowly, drops his fingers onto the
keys . . . A few memorable minutes later, he lets up in his furious attack on the smart-
stupid, and everyone appears a little relieved.)

Babbage: Now, if I have not made too many errors, this smart-stupid will simulate a

(So the Author and Babbage leave the room together, Achilles heads for the kitchen,

the Tortoise sits down to examine the erratic smart-stupids, while the Crab and his

smart-stupid square away at each other. Perhaps a quarter of an hour passes, and

Babbage and the Author return. Babbage walks over to observe the progress of the

chess match, while the Author goes off to find Achilles.)

Babbage: The grounds are excellent! We had just enough light to see how well

maintained they are. I daresay, Mr. Crab, you must be a superb gardener. Well, I hope

my handiwork has amused you a little. As you most likely have guessed, I've never

been much of a chess player myself, and therefore I wasn't able to give it much power.

You probably have observed all its weaknesses. I'm sure that there are very few

grounds for praise, in this case

Crab: The grounds are excellent! All you need to do is look at the board, and see for

yourself. There is really very little I can do. Reluctantly I've Concluded: Every Route

Contains A Rout. Regrettably, I'm Checkmated; Extremely Respectable Chess

Algorithm Reigns. Remarkable! It Confirms Every Rumor-Charlie's A Rip-roaring

Extemporizer! Mr. Babbage, this is an unparalleled accomplishment. Well, I wonder if

Mr. Tortoise has managed to uncover anything funny in the wiring of those strange-

acting smart-stupids. What have you found, Mr. T?

Tortoise: The grounds are excellent! I think that the problem lies instead with the input

leads. They are a little loose, which may account for the strange, sporadic, and

spontaneous screen disturbances to which you have been subjected. I've fixed those

wires, so you won't be troubled by that problem any more, I hope. Say, Achilles,

what's the story with our coffee?

Achilles: The grounds are excellent! At least they have a delicious aroma. And

everything's ready; I've set cups and spoons and whatnot over here beneath this six-

sided print Verbum by Escher, which the Author and I were just admiring. What I find

so fascinating about this particular print is that not only the figures, but also

Author: The grounds are excellent! Pardon me for putting words in your mouth, Achilles,

but I assure you, there were compelling esthetic reasons for doing so.

Achilles: Yes, I know. One might even say that the grounds were excellent.

Tortoise: Well, what was the outcome of the chess match?

Crab: I was defeated, fair and square. Mr. Babbage, let me congratulate you for the

impressive feat which you have accomplished so gracefully and skillfully before us.

Truly, you have shown that the smart-stupids are worthy of the first part of their name,

for the first time in history!

Babbage: Such praise is hardly due me, Mr. Crab; it is rather yourself who must be most

highly congratulated for having the great foresight to acquire these many fine smart-

stupids. Without doubt, they will someday revolutionize the science of computing.

And now, 1 am still at your disposal. Have you any other thoughts on how to exploit

your inexhaustible Theme, perhaps of a more difficult nature than a frivolous game

player?

Crab: To tell the truth, I do have another suggestion to make. From the skill which you

have displayed this evening, 1 have no doubt that this will hardly be any more difficult

than my previous suggestions.

Babbage: I am eager to hear your idea.

Crab: It is simple: to instill in the smart-stupid an intelligence greater than any which has

yet been invented, or even conceived! In short, Mr. Babbage-a smart-stupid whose

intelligence is sixfold that of myself!

Babbage: Why, the very idea of an intelligence six times greater than that of your

Crabness is a most mind-boggling proposition. Indeed, had the idea come from a

mouth less august than your own, I should have ridiculed its proposer, and infonned

him that such an idea is a contradiction in terms!

Achilles: Hear! Hear!

Babbage: Yet, coming as it did from Your Crabness' own august mouth, the proposition

at once struck me as so agreeable an idea that I would have taken it up immediately

with the highest degree of enthusiasm-were it not for one flaw in myself: I confess that

my improvisatory skills on the smart-stupid are no match for the wonderfully

ingenious idea which you so characteristically have posed. Yet-I have a thought

which, I deign to hope, might strike your fancy and in some meager way compensate

for my inexcusable reluctance to attempt the truly majestic task you have suggested. I

wonder if you wouldn't mind if I try to carry out the far less grandiose task of merely

multiplying M OWN intelligence sixfold, rather than that of your most august

Crabness. I humbly beg you to forgive me my audacity in declining to attempt the task

you put before me, but I hope you will understand that I decline purely in order to

spare you the discomfort and boredom of watching my ineptitude with the admirable

machines you have here.

Grab: I understand fully your demurral, and appreciate your sparing us any discomfort:

furthermore I highly applaud your determination to carry out a similar task-one hardly

less difficult, if I might say so-and I urge you to plunge forward. For this purpose, let

us go over to my most advanced smart-stupid.

(They follow the Crab to a larger, shinier, and more complicated-looking smart-stupid

than any of the others.)

This one is equipped with a microphone and a television camera, for purposes of input,

and a loudspeaker, for output.

(Babbage sits down and adjusts the seat a little. He blows on his fingers once or

twice, stares up into space for a moment, and then slowly, drops his fingers onto the

keys . . . A few memorable minutes later, he lets up in his furious attack on the smart-

stupid, and everyone appears a little relieved.)

Babbage: Now, if I have not made too many errors, this smart-stupid will simulate a